I Am Not An Animal!

Wow, it's like this broad has known me all my life!

Every time I watched "King of Queens," I was confused. The husband, an overweight UPS delivery guy, is married to a certifiably hot brunette with a tight body, whom he regularly asks to strip (is this normal married couple behavior? I would ask my parents, but that's disgusting).

No, this is hardly normal couple behavior. In fact, my wife usually asks me to put more clothes on in the summer or at bedtime.

At first, I dismissed it, like the beer commercials featuring balding, pot-bellied men cavorting with Tara Reid look-alikes. They're just Disproportionately Attractive TV Couples -- they could never exist in the real world.

I am not balding - not yet - but I am pot-bellied, like the pig. Nevertheless, there are some women who find me mildly attractive. I call them "sickos." Actually, Vincent Antonelli's wife is much more attractive than him. Fish's wife is much, much more attractive than him, and Badger's girlfriend is much, much, much more attractive than him! Basically my friends are trolls - we tend to hang out in clusters.

Or could they? I look around New York, and everywhere I see gorgeous women with only moderately attractive -- or even downright unattractive -- men. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Hell, that's the story of my life. Although I am a disgusting excuse for a man - RT can now attest to this - I have been fortunate enough to land some hot babes. Once in a while, a mating miracle occurs: I'm living proof. Hell, maybe Leah Remini can give me a call!