Like most teenagers, I was never good at sex. I was clumsy, awkward, and not exactly big enough to please a woman. A quarter century later, nothing has changed. I still rate only slightly above "Clammy" on carnival Love Testers. My inexperience cost me many a girlfriend, but it may help me win this contest. Lord knows I'm adept at having sex by myself.
A comedian by trade, Chris Trew is the founder of a new breed of performance art: the Air Sex Championships. Think air-guitar competition, but with sex.
For the past seven years, Trew has toured the country, inviting the creative and the limber to stage a choreographed bit in which the performer enacts an intimate physical encounter - as realistically or ridiculously as he or she chooses.
Contestants dress in elaborate costumes, build props like the yogurt cannon (a new riff on the penis joke) or simply show off their moves, set to music. The competition has just two rules. First, no participant may achieve climax, although faking it is encouraged. Second, the audience may not see performer's sex partner.
Strangely enough, my nickname during college was "the yogurt cannon." #TrueStory.
The Air Sex Championships will be held at Kung Fu Necktie in Philly tomorrow at 8pm.