Friday, April 07, 2006

SYLG Profile: The Badger

(The second in a five-part series.)

The badger’s your friend. Make friends with the badger.” – The Dead Milkmen

Like Vinnie Antonelli, The Badger is one of my oldest friends. He is also a BOD: Brother of Deathlok. Nicknamed for a song by The Dead Milkmen, he attended Archbishop Ryan High School with the rest of my circle. Tall and skinny (read: stork-like and lanky), The Badger made heads turn at the Senior Prom when he showed up with a 5’2” date. The Badger stands 6’3”.

The Badger parlayed his high school hockey experience into a spot on LaSalle University’s hockey team. Wearing number “00” – meaning no goals, no assists – he soon made the transformation from skater to goaltender. He sucked at both positions. Nah, I kid. Any bad goals he let up were a direct result of our constant antisocial behavior at the rink. We berated the referees, challenged opposing players to fistfights, and humiliated The Badger’s coach into giving him more shifts. We were LaSalle’s Hockey Hooligans.

After college – I write “after college” and not “graduation” because The Badger is about one half credit short of his degree – we spent many of our weekends at his parents’ shore house in Sea Isle City. There we drank ourselves silly – one time Vinnie was throwing up a mere hour after our arrival – and watched in awe as The Badger hooked up with hottie after hottie. His trademark line, “Hi, Bruce Wayne,” rarely worked, but for some reason, to this day the chicks dig him.

Unfortunately, after college he married one of those chicks. Okay, in the grand Badger Family Tradition, he had to marry one of those chicks, because The Badger Family Seed apparently permeates any barrier. The new Mrs. Badger was um, “abrasive,” (read: a bitch) and while his wedding party was openly wishing him well, we were putting together a “How Long Will It Last” pool. I guessed five years. They divorced soon after their fifth anniversary, screwing my chances of winning. At least the former Mrs. Badger gave him two wonderful children; a boy and a girl.

Presently, The Badger is working in computer support – he is a tech genius – and seeking the next Mrs. Badger. The last two “possibles” moved to France and Texas respectively, which is a shame because he is a nice guy. Hey Uber, are you looking for a long-distance boyfriend?


  1. You really should have dedicated some space to his uncanny ability to produce noxious gas. I admit that words really do fail to describe just how bad it is.

  2. "The last two “possibles” moved to France and Texas respectively, which is a shame because he is a nice guy"

    - read: They got as far away as possible!

  3. I thought maybe they moved that far away because of what Vincent said above!!
    Hey CSC, did you give yourself that name or is it by reputation?

  4. Vinnie - I couldn't describe it with any justice.

    CSC - Classy screen name! And yes, they got away fast!!!

    Sssteve - No, he's a HUGE Clerks fan. Line from the film.

  5. Slurppp....(kool aid)...nice badger....befriend the badger....

  6. you're both fags. The 'sucks cock by choice' kind.

  7. 'sucks cock by choice' . . .best Deadwood lind ever.

    I got nothing to say about this post. Only to clarify that it was indeed I who coined the Badger name. It was shortly after we quickly left a LaSalle game before we got pummelled by the entire opposing hockey team. . . unlike the hockey game at the basketball court where . . . .hmmm. . . .we almost lost our live in a huge pummelling.

    I feel like a Moray Eel with my suction cup affixed to my brother's friends.

    See Blog about High Maintenance!

  8. RT - You will do as I say. You are getting sleepy. You want to visit SYLG 50 times a day . . .

    CSC - All class. That's why you're mom's favorite.

    Deathlok - Yeah, you coined it, and no, we will NOT talk about that hockey game in the bball court!