Texas Man Arrested For Sticking Antiques In His Bum

Well, this man really knows his antiques, but he never knows where to place them.

A kilt-wearing Texas man today pleaded guilty to taking merchandise from antique stores and shoving the items up his rectum before returning them to display shelves. Mitchell Vest, 60, copped to criminal mischief in connection with vile incidents earlier this year at shops in Spring, a Houston suburb. As part of a plea deal, the 6’6”, 250-pound Vest was sentenced in Harris County Criminal Court to 12 months probation. Since Vest is a first-time offender, if he successfully completes the probationary term, the misdemeanor conviction could be wiped from his record.

I get it. Wiped. Well done.

According to police, Vest visited one store and placed a makeup brush and a “Restoration Hardware piece” in his anus before placing them “back on the shelf for display.” The owner of a second business, “The Curiosity Shop” told cops that Vest took an antique bottle opener and a “Tobacco Tent Can” and “placed them into his anus under his green skirt/kilt, then returned the items to the shelf.” In both instances, the soiled merchandise--valued at a combined $204--had to be thrown away “due to feces on them,” investigators reported.

I mean, if you just get a nice rag, you can wipe that all away.