Zzzzz Zzzzz Top

One of the inherent dangers of working my shift has nothing to do with strung-out heroin addicts, vehicle pursuits, and violent gangs. Sure, they're all great ways to spend your day, but none of them can hold a candle to the Sandman.

Even the best of us occasionally succumb to sleep while on duty (well, not me, but other, weaker officers). Others make it an art form. Take Officer Toad (female version).

Officer Toad is pretty much a waste of a badge on her best days, but on a night like last night she can be downright dangerous. For example, at approximately 1am, she pulled up to HQ while myself and the wagon crew were outside talking. The door of her car swung open, and . . . nothing. The engine was still running, so we figured she was finishing up some paperwork. After about ten minutes, we decided to walk over and see what the problem was.

She was asleep! I kid you not.

Okay, so now we're laughing our asses off, and she wakes up, curses at us, and walks into HQ. Right about now, I'm thinking I've got one of my posts for today. Only it was about to get better. At approximately 4am, Officer Toad gets a radio call to deliver a message. She doesn't respond. Radio tries again. Nothing. A third time. Zilch. Finally, a sergeant comes over the air and asks Toad's status. Radio tells him that her last assignment was in the northern part of the district. I am thinking to myself, "Here we go," and like clockwork, the sergeant says, "Have 16 car check the area for her." Swell.

Now, I am sure I know what happened. She fell asleep again and missed four calls from radio. The laughter has died, because now I have to be babysitter and look on cartons of milk for this moron. I go to the last place she was supposed to be. Nothing. I tell radio that she's not there, and I'm prepared to scour the earth (like Marcellus Wallace from Pulp Fiction).

(Twenty agonizing minutes later . . . )

"18? Are you trying to raise me, radio?"

Um, yeah, butt-head, for about a half hour now!!! She said she was a few blocks from where she was last seen. I was right down the street from her new location, so I fly over there to see if she's okay (and hit her on the head and dump her in a ditch). Of course, she wasn't there, either. But at least she was awake now.

And you think you're co-workers are idiots.