An Open Letter To Major League Baseball

To whom it may concern,

As a pseudo-baseball fan, I wanted to take this opportunity to suggest some ways to improve the game. Of course, your pomposity will compel you to ignore my ideas, but I feel it my duty to mention them just the same. Batter up.

The Season – Okay, a 162-game season is ridiculous. There is no logical reason for the first game of the World Series to be played on October 22. The damned players were wearing mittens and scarves!

The Wyatt Plan: Implement a 140-game season, and it must end by September 30. Otherwise, every team's players from south of the border are permanently deported.

Celebrities – I don't give a rat's ass if there is a celebrity in the stands. I also don't want to hear a celebrity sing during the game. That tradition should have died with Harry Carey. Did anyone hear the lousy rendition of "God Bless America" by Liz Phair last night? I know my dog did, since I heard him howling from six miles away!

The Wyatt Plan: Any cameraman who captures a celebrity "fan" will be strangled with a microphone cord. Also, any celebrity in the stands "rooting" for a particular team must be able to name the players on said team. If not, they are not true fans (read: only there "to be seen"), and will be brutally beaten. Finally, any celebrity requesting to sing The National Anthem, God Bless America, or Take Me Out to the Ball Game will be immediately shot. That outta settle their hash.

Broad-casters – Note to Fox Sports: Jeanne Zelasko is Queen of the Butter Face. The helmet hair doesn't help, either.

The Wyatt Plan: Fire her ugly ass and re-hire someone whose face doesn't shatter my rear-projection television. Think Jennie Finch. She knows baseball, and she makes Jeanne Zelasko look like Leonid Brezhnev.

These three easy steps will revitalize the game, and cut down the incredible amount of Americans who despise baseball in its current form. Try 'em; don't cost nothin'.