Answers. I Got 'Em, You Need 'Em!

It has gotten to the point that I can only do the Q&A thing on my days off. Although it doesn't look like it, there is way too much post prep for these undertakings. And away we go.

The Anti-Hippie asks, "So . . . would I be better off heading off to a big city to be a programmer or going in on cargo-transport business in Alaska with my buddy the pilot? Honestly, I'm torn."

AH, come to the big city. If the movies have taught me anything, you will only hitch a ride home on one of those planes, get stranded on a desert island, and talk to a volleyball.

Linda asks, "If they film the latest "Rocky" movie in Philly, will you volunteer to be in it? And what role would you play?" She then asks, "Why didn't you name one of your sons Wyatt? "

Lin, they have already filmed most of the scenes in Philly, and they were shot in my old sh*thole district. I am actually in the film, playing the token non-I-talian guy, Fatty McButterpants. And I didn't name any of my sons Wyatt because they already have cool real names: Peter Parker Earp, and Bruce Wayne Earp.

Fmragtops asks, "What's with all the online pervs lately?"

Fm, I'm sorry, I can't answer that question because I'm trying to download the Paris Hilton sex tape.

Ssssteve asks, "Why am I here at work when I could be out golfing?" He then asks, "Wyatt, why don't you put those awesome (sarcasm) detective powers to good use and find out what happened to Uber?"

Ssssteve, first, the better question is why are you wasting valuable company time surfing my blog instead of doing your job: keeping the damned Canadians at bay? Second, I have no idea what happened to Uber or Pandy, and I certainly have no idea why the police hit my basement with a search warrant!

Deathlok goes on a tangent about Alaska, and never asks a question. His blog still gets a plug.

Randal Graves asks the following litany of questions: "Why do fat chicks have to wear such small clothes?" "Why is Tom Cruise such a friggin' a-hole?" "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie-pop?" "Why was Yuengling Lager good in college and now it sucks balls?" "Why is spandex made in Large and XL?" "Do ugly people realize that they aren't as beautiful as me?" "Why don't women understand the pleasure of a good buttercup? (For those who don't know what a buttercup is...it's when you're sitting in a chair and you fart. You then cup your hands together down by your taint and pull the sweet smelling fart goodness up to your(or someone else's) nose. It's awesome baby.)"

Randal, cripes! Let's take them one at a time. 1. The clothes are average size - their bums are not. 2. Craig T. Nelson sold his soul on the set of All the Right Moves. 3. According to that damned near-sighted owl, three. It took an unnamed fat guy only one. 4. Because it tasted like Guinness compared to a certain dad's choice, "Schmidt's." 5. So J-Lo's ample backside can fit into them. 6. Come on now. No one is as beautiful as you. 7. You lost me when you wrote the word, "taint."

RT asks, "What do detectives talk about besides the cases when they are on the job?" "Where is the best place to live that is about 70-80 degrees, has low humidity, and has very little precipitation?"

RT, 1. Breasts. 2. Breasts. I mean, I hear Sarajevo is lovely this time of year.

RT and Randal begin to argue in the comments section. I'm not touching that one with a ten-foot pole.

"Anonymous" asks, "Why was retrolicious dropped from the blog ring?"

Anon, I don't know who "retrolicious is," and he or she was never in MY blog ring.

Vinnie Antonelli asks, "My question is: how did this thread turn so damn ugly?" "My other question is: why don't they let cops take all the cash they can find when there's a drug bust? It'd be like a bonus plan for cops! What better incentive to get get drugs off the street?"

Vinnie, when Randal (aka Manute) is involved, it ALWAYS gets ugly. And you mean we're NOT supposed to take the money from drug dealers as a bonus plan? Crap. I gotta go!

Insolublog asks, "Since I have become an aging, overweight silverback gorilla, in my fountain of middle age, when can I expect a courting call from Naomi Watts?"

Insol, climb the Empire State Building and you're in like Flint! Barring that, rent Mulholland Falls. She's WAY naked in it! (Or so I hear.)

"Anonymous" asks, "When you got married were you 'pure?'"

Anon, despite the wiseass remark from Randal, I was pure. I had to marry my wife to not only gain citizenship, but also to avoid being thrown into a volcano.