It was a slow week on the PIH front - I mean, really, how many times can I list jackasses like Ray Nagin and PA Governor Ed Rendell? - so this week we turn our forward batteries to those annoyances everyone loves to hate: commercials.
Brother P-Touch (aka "The Label Baby")
This radio spot runs ad nauseum on the local talk radio stations here, especially during Sean Hannity's show. Actually, this "grab your sniper rifle and run to the tower" advertisement almost always airs at 3:30pm, Philly time. It is always the same spot: "rock" music breaks the silence, then the ear-splitting lyrics begin: " . . . Simplify! Identify! Brother P-Touch peee-ople!" After your ears begin to bleed, a "hip" Generation X-er does the voice-over, telling "the guys" that there "are things you tell the ladies, and things you don't." This is where I unholster my weapon and place it to my temple. The mental defective gives "the guys" advice on hooking up . . . then I lose consciousness. The awful theme song cues the end of the torture, and I swear to make enough money to buy the company . . . and murder those responsible for this radio ad.
"THINGS YOU DON'T TELL THE LADIES INCLUDE YOUR LATEST STD, NOT WHETHER OR NOT YOU HAVE A LOUSY LABEL MAKER! HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN SEINFELD? PEOPLE RE-GIFT YOUR PRODUCTS!!!"
The 3-Step Plan
Have you heard this one? Another ad which is on a constant loop in talk radio markets, The 3-Step Plan home business system never ceases to leave me running for the duct tape. The spokesperson, Andy Willoughby - I probably butchered that last name, but who the hell cares? - begins every spot with his trademark greeting, "How in the world are ya, anyway?"
"HOW IN THE WORLD AM I, ANYWAY? I'M ABOUT FIVE SECONDS FROM SWERVING INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC IF I HEAR ABOUT YOUR LAME-ASS WORK-AT-HOME PLAN ONE MORE TIME! THAT'S HOW IN THE WORLD I AM!!!"
Heineken Beer
Don't get me wrong; I like Heineken. It was the first legal beer I ordered when I turned 21. That being said, the company's new television spot shows their trademark green bottles moving back and forth in a sort of striptease. The soundtrack for the spot is some dance song right out of a seedy gentleman's club: "Don't you wish you're girlfriend was hot like me?"
"ARE YOU FRAKKIN' KIDDING ME? OF COURSE I DON'T WISH THAT! IS IT YOUR GOAL TO HAVE MEN DUMPING THEIR GIRLFRIENDS FOR GLASS BOTTLES? GEE TARA, I REALLY LIKE YOU AND ALL, BUT I CAN'T GET THAT HEINEKEN BOTTLE OUT OF MY MIND. I'M AFRAID WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BREAK UP. IDIOTS!!!"
AH - The Burger King "King" is uber-creepy. Especially the one when he's lying in the guy's bed. (Shiver.)
ReplyDeleteHoly Crap....the Burger King commercials are THE BEST commercials in the past 5 years; especially the one where he is in the person's bed. I love the Burger King!
ReplyDeleteALL HAIL KING BURGER!
Hey cowboy--we agree again!! Scary, ain't it?! Actually, the only one I'm familiar with is the beer commercial. Evidently you didn't see the video for that song by the Pussycat Dolls, cause that was pretty close to a striptease. Isn't everything nowadays? My guess would be that the producers were hoping to attract the men with the song so they would watch the commercial. Well, it worked didn't it?!
ReplyDeleteI don't drink beer, but I love the commercials where no one says a word and they are always on a beautiful beach. I think it's Corona.
Whoever is doing the BK spots needs to be fired! Those are creepy!
Dude, I haven't heard the other two, but I HATE the new Heineken commercial. Everytime I hear that line about "Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me..." Followed up with "...raw like me..." I can't help but think, yeah, that's it. I want to date a prostitute.
ReplyDeleteThe other commercial makers I want to beat betwixt the head and shoulders with a pitching wedge are the people that came up with the Taco Bell Chicken Ceaser Burrito commercial. One must peak under it's little toga sends me into Full Metal Jacket World of S#*! mode.
Wow, you get different commercials than we do!
ReplyDeleteThe two commercials I hate the most are E-harmony and Netzero (I believe! I believe! I believe!)
ReplyDeleteI ignore the beer ads...I'm a vodka girl. I can't think of any ads I hate...none are memorable enough to remember. So since I listen to the inane, 15-year-old humor of Kidd Chris (I need mindlessnes after a day of 1500 teenagers.), I'll provide a commercial I love. The really bad guardian angel one...I always bust up laughing when the guy he's supposed to be guarding falls to the tarmac (sp). Don't know what the product is, though. I really liked the Super Bowl Bud ad with the streaking sheep, though. :) Life's too short for hatin'....Burger King...very creepy.
ReplyDeleteYou'd have to be in the area here I guess for this one (I'm pretty sure they're not that big), and it's radio only as far as I know, but i soooo hate "The Dump" commercials, with that guy that keeps saying "the dump da da dump da da dump".
ReplyDelete..yeah the BK ones, while at first early on were mildly ammusing, I must say are *very* creepy now.
While some may have gotten tired of them now, they never seem to get old with me - I do still love the "...but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night" ones.
Tivo and an mp3 player...
ReplyDeleteWhat ads?
Re: the Heineken ad:
ReplyDelete"The soundtrack for the spot is some dance song right out of a seedy gentleman's club..."
No, ya think?
Here's a news flash for ya: IT'S SUPPOSED TO. The song is on the Pussycat Dolls LP. Know who they are?
Google 'em if you don't.