Hi, I am national hero Jack Bauer. Are you tired of hapless shoe bombers ruining your in-flight movie? Are you a gun-toting, red-blooded American who packs a drop-piece for his drop-piece? Do you wish there was an airline that catered to the average law-abiding citizen? Well, at Jack Bauer Airlines, we can make your travel dreams come true!Safety is the number one concern at JBA, and to prove it, we not only allow our passengers to carry firearms: we encourage it! Some people question this policy, but fear not: I have personally trained and certified every member of every JBA flight crew. My people are proficient in the deadly arts, and there is no tactical situation that they cannot overcome. I guarantee it. If one of my airliners is hijacked, downed, or threatened in any way, I will track down, torture, and kill the person or persons responsible. I will even film it for the entertainment of your survivors. No one is above my law; not even the President of the United States.
The JBA fleet consists of converted C-130 gunships, armed to the teeth with the most technologically advanced weaponry. In addition, a pair of F-4 Phantom fighters escorts the JBA fleet. Your flight will not be shot down, but if it is, we will take some people down with us. Our added defenses do not infringe on your creature comforts, however, because at JBA every seat is considered First Class. Leather seats abound, our meals are prepared by the finest chefs America has to offer – JBA refuses to do business with the French – and our drink carts are plentiful. Let me prove it to you. Call JBA today!
Jack Bauer Airlines: Fly the Deadly Skies.
(Cross-posted at Blogs4Bauer.)
Can I carry those frequent slaughter miles into the next flying season?
ReplyDeleteInsol - ABSOLUTELY!
ReplyDeleteSo how exactly does this jive with the airport?
ReplyDeleteTexas used to have a car jacking problem. Now we have concealed carry.
Hey, I have to go to Alaska on business in September, who do I call to get a ticket? Is there a Jack Bauer Travel Agency somewhere?
ReplyDeleteLoved it!! Awsome!
ReplyDeleteHow many miles do I need on my JBA Flier Card to get a lap dance from Kim Bauer?
ReplyDeleteBWH - I think the airport would be cool with it.
ReplyDeleteFm - There are agencies across the globe, but their locations are eyes only. And congrats on the Caption Contest . . . jerk.
Sssteve - Thanks.
The Man - Surprisingly, only 2,000.
I think Jack should expand to cruise ships. Pirates are making a comeback and they need to feel the wrath (and high speed lead) of Americans!
ReplyDeleteSounds good till I see C-130s! Sure they look awesome- but that fine American food is going to be ALL OVER those nice leather seats. That's one badass bitch of a ride, I tell ya...
ReplyDeleteGunny - Aargh! I mean, I agree.
ReplyDeletePandy - Eh, we'll let CTU Red Shirt Security clean up the mess. They're good for little else.