More Stupid Criminals

There’s nothing more satisfying than getting a confession out of a defendant; except maybe when it takes little to no effort. Such was the case last night, when a suburban, twenty-something female was arrested for filling fake prescriptions at a Philadelphia CVS Pharmacy.

The defendant – let’s call her Penel-dopey – pretended to be an employee of a local doctor’s office, and called in a prescription for painkillers for her fictional grandmother. Thinking that Philadelphia CVS employees were idiots, Penel-dopey thought no one would verify the prescription with the real doctor’s office.

She was wrong.

The CVS wisely substituted the painkillers for sodium bicarbonate (antacid) and gave the pills to the defendant. The defendant went home, took the pills, and when she noticed her pain was not getting better – but her gas problem was much improved – Penel-dopey actually called the CVS to complain. The CVS pharmacist wisely told the defendant to return to the store, and they would fix the order. A moment later, the pharmacist called the police.

When Penel-dopey came back for her real painkillers, she was met by two uniformed officers with her consolation prize – a shiny new set of handcuffs. I brought Penel-dopey up for an interrogation, and after being Mirandized, she quickly admitted that she falsified the prescriptions; and had done so five other times in the past year. She told me she was addicted to the painkillers, and asked if she would be going to prison, because she happens to be twenty-one weeks pregnant. Nice.