Gavel Rouser

"I'm this century's Dennis the Menace." - Bart Simpson, circa 1992

I am a troublemaker. I always have been a troublemaker, and I probably always will be a troublemaker. So, when someone gives me grief over some intended mischief, I try and laugh it off. However, when I get lambasted over something beyond my control, my Irish (and Slovak) gets up.

Today was one of those days.

One of my cases, an aggravated assault, was set for a jury trial today. The defendant's attorney declined a plea bargain - six months reporting probation - even though I had a signed confession from her client. The jury was going to be picked in the morning while I was working, and I was placed in "on call" status - as policy dictates. If and when the trial began, the courtroom would give the division a call, and I would come down.

The reason detectives are put on call during daywork is a matter of manpower. If every detective was present for every case, nothing would get done. As an example, we had six detectives working today, and of the six, five of them had court appearances.

Anyway, my jury was picked, and the ADA called at 10:45am. He wanted to know how long it would take me to get there. I wanted to use Mr. Wolf's line:

"It's thirty minutes away. I'll be there in ten."

When I arrived, the DA was annoyed, even though he was well aware of the on call policy. We stepped into the courtroom, and the judge, enraged, ordered me into his chambers.

"I need an adult! I need an adult!"

What followed was a ten-minute, profanity-laced tirade. The judge threatened to hold me in contempt of court for being late, and when I replied, "That is your decision," he was not amused. I calmly explained the on call policy decreed by the police commissioner, and he couldn't care less. I didn't help matters by stating, "Respectively, if you or your family needed a detective, and there weren't any available, would you be upset?"

The judge then called my captain.

Although the captain also refrained the commissioner's policy, it didn't deter this judge from yelling at him as well. He hung up, and told me to get out of his office. I did, and immediately went on the stand for my testimony - since I am sure that this guy would be fair and unbiased towards it - and after a few minutes, I was excused. Not content to rip me and my commanding officer, the judge threw a few snide comments my way - on the record, and in front of the jury - as I left the room.

The day ended with the jury still in deliberations, and while I was waiting for the elevator, the judge came out with his assistant. Ever the a-hole, he said, "Everyone needs to obey the laws of the court, even police officers. I expect you will be here at 9am tomorrow." I gave the "judge" a dirty look and said, "Uh-huh." Then, turning to the court clerk, I asked what time the high and mighty judge began court this morning - it was scheduled for 9am.

His reply? 10:10am.