An Open Letter To The People Of Philadelphia

Dear idiots,

Today, the city of Philadelphia is experiencing a weather phenomenon. This anomaly is commonly referred to as snow. And in this case, that label does not even apply here, because after six hours of flurries, there is barely a white frosty covering on the roads.

Nonetheless, I can understand your panicked concern.

I mean, who would have thought that a large city stuck in center of the Northeast Corridor would be hit by a passing snow squall? I sure didn't, and I have a college degree! Unfortunately for us, this storm may quickly turn into a Blizzard of Death, which has the capacity to dump one to three inches onto our beloved town. Oh, the humanity!

As Philadelphians, our only chance of survival is to follow our tried and true snow emergency steps. For those of you who are overcome with panic and worry, I will re-educate you:

1. Rush to the store and buy all of the milk, bread, and eggs that you can carry! Apparently, everyone wants to make French Toast when a snow storm hits.

2. Drive as slow as you can as often as you can, and even slower if you are driving an SUV. Believe me, that 4x4 nonsense cannot be trusted in a time like this!

3. Make sure you watch your local news throughout the entire snow crisis. Sure, the weather bunnies will change their predictions fifteen times an hour, but their last prediction - two days after the snow clears - is always correct.

4. For those of you with heart conditions, please use a snow blower to clear the inch of snow from your sidewalks. Better you ruin your neighbor's concrete than have a heart attack.

5. And finally, when you finally dig your car out of its parking space, reserve your spot with a lawn chair. Because a two-ton car is no match against a two-pound piece of aluminum.