Rumors Of My Death

. . . have been greatly exaggerated.

After working until 11pm last night, my squad hit our usual watering hole. The Guinness flowed, the occasional Red Death shot was downed, and my friend Rob and I improved our bar shuffleboard record to 6-0. (We beat The Godfather and Susie by a score of 21-0.) Nice.

After the merriment, I got home at 4am, hit the hay, and awoke for work. Jumping on the computer was not an option, so I figured I'd skip a day of posting. What's the harm, right?

Well, when I got to work, Sssteve sent me a text message that read, "Hey. Are you okay?" After the next two messages came my way, I figured it out: everyone thought I was dead (or at least in some sort of disfiguring industrial accident). I was pretty impressed that some people actually missed me. Then I wondered if those same people were seeing professional help. Anyway, I am still alive; I didn't quit the blog; and I appreciate the concern. What I appreciate even more is the idea this gave me.

The Top Five Consequences Of My Brutal Demise

5. Hillary loses her cankles in solemn tribute.
4. Uber stalking drops to an all-time low.
3. City funeral - free flag!!!
2. Denny's Caption Contest would never get pimped.

And the number one consequence of my brutal demise is . . .

1. The planet immediately gets lighter.