Tuesday, April 15, 2008

An Open Letter To The Soda Companies

Dear Sir or Madam,

As a youth, I enjoyed a sordid love affair with your products. Your glass bottles and I would take long walks on the beach, dine at the finest romantic restaurants, and hold each other until dawn. It was bliss.

Then, for some unknown reason, you decided to abandon the preferred glass bottles in favor of plastic. My only rationalization for this decision is that Al Gore and his Gorbots twisted your collective arms into accepting a lesser container. This decision was worse than the one that gave Chevy Chase a talk show.

Allow me to explain. You see, plastic soda bottles suck ass. No matter what the temperature of your soda machines or retail store freezers, the soda is never cold enough. Unless you actually lie the bottle against Hillary Clinton's skin, your product will never, ever be cold enough.

And in case you haven't noticed, it is rather difficult to keep ice cubes in a car.

The lasting effect of this change is that I do not buy your bottles - usually diet - anymore if I want a refreshing drink immediately. Have you ever had warm soda? It is akin to sex with Helen Thomas: lukewarm, flat, and motionless. With the plastic bottles comes a production of Cecil B. DeMille scale: grabbing a glass, getting the required ice, and waiting until the soda gets cold enough to enjoy. Who the hell has time for that?

My solution is simple: frak the environmentalist wackos and return to the glass bottles. They chill your product better, exercise our hands - and sometimes teeth - when we pop the cap, and are an instant weapon if we get caught up in a knife fight. They're nature's perfect container.

Glass before plastic. It's what Jesus would do if he were a soda drinker.

Thank you for your time. Sincerely, Wyatt Earp

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