Shelly Threw It Hard, But The Boyfriend Had A Harder Wick

Meet Shelly Hardwick from, well, you already guessed it, Florida.

Shelly was arrested after throwing a watermelon at her boyfriend. The boyfriend dodged the watermelon, but Hardwick claimed she did not throw it at boyfriend.

Riiight!

Look, I can understand that Hardwick - heh - would be angry at her boyfriend, but throwing a watermelon at the guy was probably not the best idea Shelly ever had.

Obviously, Shelly will be spending some jail time, and maybe she can drop watermelons and toss oranges?

By the way, doesn't Shelly look like Gollum of the Lord of the Rings?

You'd Think She'd Want To Pray To Jesus

Meet Sherri Chegini of, you guessed it, Florida.

Incensed that relatives were “praying to Jesus in her house,” a Florida Woman (via Tehran, Iran) who told cops she “prays using the Quran and does not believe in Jesus” allegedly battered one of the visitors, an attack that landed her behind bars.

What would Jesus do... According to an arrest affidavit, the verbal praying dispute between Sherri Chegini, 58, and her brother, Peter Chegini, a 63-year-old contractor, turned violent yesterday morning.

Peter told investigators he “was praying with his wife Nahid using their cross” when Chegini “got mad at him” and told him to leave.

Chegini, cops allege, first “picked up Peter’s phone and threw it on the ground destroying it.” When she “then went to attack Peter,” he “put up his arms to defend himself, but Sherri bit his right forearm.”

Seen above, Chegini then “threw Peter’s stuff out of the residence and broke his cross.” At one point, Peter told police, Chegini scratched her own neck and told him, “You’re going to jail now.”

When cops arrived to the Vero Beach residence, Peter had a “bite mark on his right arm which had visible bruising and was bleeding.” His phone, cops added, was “shattered” and “inoperable.”

Well, she seems nice. I wonder what she'll be baking this Christmas. Oh, wait...

Someone Should Call Pizza Planet

Meet Ricqui Holly of Florida. Ricqui, it that IS her real name, lost her ever-pizza-lovin' mind after her pizza was cold and uncut.

Angry that her Domino’s pizza was delivered “cold and uncut,” a Florida Woman allegedly drove from her residence to the restaurant, where she quarreled with an employee, flung the pizza, and damaged the store’s telephone, according to an arrest report detailing the 1:30 AM altercation.

You would think someone who cares so much about her hair would try not to toss pizzas around, but it's Florida, so...

Police early Saturday arrested Ricqui Holly, 22, for criminal mischief, a misdemeanor, following the alleged pizza rage incident.

Ricqui spend the night in jail... without a pizza. Oh the horror!

If Nothing Else, She'll Need More Batteries

Meet Chelsea White of Florida. Chelsea really likes her, um, toys... so much so that she has beaten someone with one... twice!

For the second time in two years, a Florida Woman has been arrested for a dildo-related domestic battery. Chelsea White, 35, and her boyfriend were in the kitchen about to eat when the man discovered that his missing “glass dildo” was inside White’s backpack in the couple’s Fort Pierce residence.

The “mother of his child stole something from him and it got physical,” according to an arrest affidavit.

During an 11 PM tussle, White and the 35-year-old victim exchanged assorted blows. After the pair briefly separated, the man told cops, White began hitting him again “after he went to grab the backpack.” White “was standing in the kitchen and threw the glass dildo” at her beau. The dildo missed its target, instead hitting a door and waking the couple’s child.

Sadly, the problem is she won't be able to hug her sex toy while she's in prison... again.

Never Hide Your Drugs In Your Bag Of Drugs

Meet Lauren Riley of Florida. The story claims Lauren is 41, but I assume she is easily 52... and stupid.

If you would prefer the police not find your bag of drugs, perhaps consider placing the illegal narcotics into something other than a container marked “Bag of Drugs.” Cops report that Lauren Riley was a passenger in a car pulled over Saturday morning after the driver was spotted without a seatbelt. During the traffic stop, officers noticed Riley, 41, moving items around on the vehicle’s floorboard.

Yeah, there is no way this "woman" is forty-one years old.

When police peered into the auto, they allegedly spotted drug paraphernalia, which prompted a probable cause examination of the vehicle and its contents. The resulting search, cops report, turned up a bag inside Riley’s purse labeled “Bag of Drugs." The discovery of the “Bag of Drugs” resulted in Riley’s arrest on a variety of felony charges (and a misdemeanor paraphernalia count).

Oh well, maybe next time, she'll purchase a bad of "Obviously Not Drugs."

Florida Woman Called 911 On Herself As She Stole A Vehicle

Ah, Florida. The place where morons go to be stupid.

A Florida woman was arrested after she reportedly called 911 on herself while trying to steal a car from a dealership so she “could do it legally.” Christy Turman, 37, called the Lee County Sheriff’s Office because she wanted authorities to know, deputies said.

I mean, at least she let the cops know she was stealing a vehicle, amirite?

“Because I’m trying to steal a car that’s not legally mine,” Turman said during the 911 call. “So, y’all better come make a report. I’m reporting this.” The 37-year-old told deputies she was being trained in a game of Black Ops to steal a car, but called authorities to make her carjacking legal.

Hey dullard, maybe play "Black Ops" on your Playstation and not on the streets of Florida.

But The Cinnamon Was So Sweet And Tasty!

Meet Ann Maria Luna of Florida. Ann got into an argument that eventually found Ann to throw a cinnanon roll at a male. Wow, isn't she sweet? (I'll see myself out.)

A Florida Woman was arrested Tuesday night after allegedly striking a man in the neck with a thrown cinnamon roll. Cops say Ann Marie Luna, 37, chucked the food item at the back of the 49-year-old victim’s head, “striking him at the base of the neck.” The cinnamon roll incident occurred at a transitional housing facility in St. Petersburg, Florida. An arrest affidavit does not reveal a motive for the alleged cinnamon roll attack, which was recorded by security cameras. After being read her rights, Luna, seen at right, reportedly admitted to tossing the delicacy. The affidavit indicates that no weapon was seized by investigators. The victim was not injured by the cinnamon roll, “but wishes prosecution,” police noted.

Now maybe it's just me, but I cannot fathom this woman will get serious time for throwing a cinnamon roll at some dude.