Tales Of The Obvious

Apparently, guys are idiots when it comes to reading women. Well, duh!

More often than not, guys interpret even friendly cues, such as a subtle smile from a gal, as a sexual come-on, and a new study discovers why: Guys are clueless.

More precisely, they are somewhat oblivious to the emotional subtleties of non-verbal cues, according to a new study of college students. (H/T - Yahoo!)

How is this news? Of course, men are clueless! It's implanted into our DNA. So, as a service to all of my female readers - both of you - I will now explain the male mindset when it comes to women. You may want to sit down . . . and have some duct tape ready.

Men think about sex 23 hours a day. (The last hour is spent thinking about what to eat for dinner and how our favorite sports teams are faring.) Even during the most inappropriate times - a funeral, an auto accident, our own wedding - we are looking for hotties in the crowd. It's what we do. And because we think about sex 23 hours a day, we believe that women are naturally thinking the same thing. This presents a problem, because when a woman says hello, our caveman intellect immediately tells us, "She wants me."

It doesn't matter if we are troll-like in appearance, battling obesity, or have a third eye; we believe that every attractive woman on earth wants to be ours for eternity. In my case, I believe that woman is Jessica Biel, and men don't get more troll-like in appearance than me.

The inverse is also true. A woman would have to purchase a billboard in front of our house, send us an engraved invitation, and broadcast her feelings during halftime of the Super Bowl in order for us to make the connection that she is interested in us. Ladies, this is important: we cannot and will not pick up on your subtle (and not-so subtle) signals. If you meet us at the door dressed in nothing but a hockey jersey, we will walk past you on our way to the television. (Note to the ladies out there: that is every male hockey player's fantasy.) We need to be beaten over the head with a baseball bat to get the signal through.

So, when you are pulling out your hair wondering why your man isn't noticing your new hairstyle, perfect makeup, and sexy lingerie, remember this: he's an idiot.

I hope this helps.

Barack Obama Has An NCAA Basketball Pool

Wow, he's just like us! Let's all go out and vote for him right away! /Snark.

CHARLESTON, W.Va. - Could Barack Obama's NCAA championship pick have something to do with an upcoming primary?

No, he was leaning toward North Carolina because of its 6-foot-9 star.

The Democratic presidential candidate and avid basketball player selected North Carolina, Kansas, Pittsburgh and UCLA in his Final Four bracket, and is counting on North Carolina to beat UCLA in the championship game.

During his short flight Wednesday from Fayetteville to Charlotte, N.C., Obama began working on his NCAA basketball tournament bracket. The campaign staff is competing in a $10 per person pool.

So, he's admitting he's involved in illegal gambling? Hmm . . .

Pressed in an interview with the Charlotte Observer on Wednesday about his picks, Obama said he was swayed by the Tar Heels' 6-foot-9 star Tyler Hansbrough, not politics.

"That's a big boy, there," he said. "So I've got to fill it out, I've got to do a little bracketology before I make a final decision."

(And in the interest of fairness, McCain allegedly has a Final Four bracket as well. I couldn't care less about that one, either.)

Just Die, Already!

Why is Osama bin Laden not dead yet? This Islamic "stop snitchin'" policy is really grating on my last nerve. Can't we just carpet bomb every country he may be hiding in until we get some results? When did America lose its backbone?

(CNN) -- A new statement attributed to al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden condemns European countries for siding with the United States in Afghanistan and for allowing the publication of cartoons considered insulting to Islam's prophet, Mohammed.

This is the greater and more serious tragedy, and the reckoning for it will be more severe," the speaker in the five-minute audio recording says.

Mocking Islam's founder violated "the etiquettes of dispute and fighting," warned the voice attributed to bin Laden.

He said Muslims have not responded by mocking Jesus, whom they consider a prophet as well.

"The laws of men which clash with the legislation of Allah the Most High are null and void, aren't sacred and don't matter to us," he said. (H/T - CNN)

Okay, he realizes it's a cartoon, right? I never understood why Islamists have such thin skin. You live in the frakkin' desert! The callouses must be so rough that they could stop a bullet. Stop being a bunch of crybabies.

Cripes, liberal wacko "artists" create sculptures of Jesus covered in urine. You don't see me declaring a fatwa on them, do you? Lighten up a little!

And by "lighten up," I mean I hope you are all soon glowing with nuclear radiation. I'm just sayin'.

Geno's Sign Ruled Not Discriminatory

Of course, it is not discriminatory! We needed hearings and commissions to figure this out? How much taxpayer money was wasted over this nonsense?

PHILADELPHIA (AP) March 19, 2008 -- A Philadelphia agency has ruled English-only signs at Geno's Steaks are not discriminatory.

The Commission on Human Relations ruled Wednesday that the sign at Geno's does not violate the city's Fair Practices Ordinance.

Joe Vento posted the signs at his shop in October 2005. They read "This is AMERICA: WHEN ORDERING 'PLEASE SPEAK ENGLISH."'

Critics alleged that the policy discourages customers of certain backgrounds from eating there. They say the signs discourage non-English speakers from going to the shop.

Vento says he has never refused service to anyone because they couldn't speak English. (H/T - 6ABC)

Finally, some common sense returns to a city that has been severely lacking in it. I mean, the sign that started these shenanigans is approximately six inches wide and three inches high. If you blink, you missed it, so don't try and tell me that people were outraged. I'm not buying it.

When I met Right Wing Prof, Sebastian, and Bitter last summer, we all agreed that Geno's Steaks was the place to go - especially after this non-story debacle. Joey Vento is a huge supporter of the city's police officers and firefighters in a town that usually supports neither. He is a hard-working, hard-talking guy who embodies the spirit of Philadelphia. Unfortunately, that Rocky-esque spirit has been abandoned by the P.C. crowd in favor of a "sackless" attitude that is sure to offend no one.

Frank Rizzo is turning over in his grave.

Humpday History Highlight

March 19, 1916 - The First U.S. Air Combat Mission Begins

On this day in 1916, the First Aero Squadron, organized in 1914 after the outbreak of World War I, flies a support mission for the 7,000 U.S. troops who, six days earlier, had invaded Mexico on President Woodrow Wilson’s orders to capture Mexican revolutionary Francisco “Pancho” Villa “dead or alive.”

Why we don't use the term, "Dead or Alive" anymore? It is a rather poignant phrase.

On March 9, Villa, who opposed American support for the newly elected president of Mexico, Venustiano Carranza, had led a band of several hundred guerrillas across the border on a raid of the town of Columbus, New Mexico, killing 17 Americans. The mission to capture Villa, which eventually involved some 10,000 U.S. troops, was commanded by U.S. Brigadier General John J. Pershing, the future commander in chief of American troops during World War I. It was the first U.S. military operation to employ mechanized vehicles, including automobiles and the airplanes of the First Aero Squadron, which were used to scout enemy activity and relay messages for General Pershing.

I wonder if any of the Mexican banditos looked up at the sky and yelled, "De plane, de plane?"

Despite numerous mechanical and navigational problems, the American fliers flew hundreds of missions for Pershing and gained important experience that would later benefit the pilots over the battlefields of Europe. However, during the 11-month mission, U.S. forces failed to capture the elusive revolutionary, and Mexican resentment over U.S. intrusion into their territory led to a diplomatic crisis.

True enough, but this mission was the first step in a storied history of American aviators. While this mission failed to meet its objective, it provided a wealth of knowledge and experience that benefited the military long after 1916.

For his part, Villa continued his guerrilla activities in northern Mexico until Adolfo de la Huerta took power over the Mexican government and drafted a reformist constitution. Villa entered into an amicable agreement with Huerta and agreed to retire from politics. In 1920, the Mexican government pardoned Villa. Three years later, still a symbol of popular resistance against governmental repression, he was killed at his ranch in Parral by an unknown assailant. (H/T - History.com)

I am surprised that Villa has not achieved the cult status of that murderous thug Che Guevara with the liberal Berkeley hippie crowd. Of course, if they are reading this . . .

Spitzer's Whore Did "Girls Gone Wild"

I am shocked and appalled.

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Stop that $1 million check: It turns out the call girl linked to Eliot Spitzer had already shed her clothes for "Girls Gone Wild" as an 18-year-old while partying in Miami, Florida, the video company's founder said Tuesday.

Reply for Dupre: "OUCH!" I guess now she'll go back to whoring. Better luck next time, ho.

Joe Francis reached out to Ashley Alexandra Dupre, now 22, with an offer of $1 million to appear in a non-nude spread for his company's new magazine, plus a chance to join the "Girls Gone Wild" tour bus, his company announced Tuesday.

$1 million for a non-nude spread? (Heh, heh, "spread.") I don't get that at all. She was doing much more for much, much less!

But Francis said someone had a revelation at the Tuesday morning staff meeting: Did anyone think to check the archives?

They did, he said -- and there she was.

Don't worry, I'm sure the videos were tastefully done. Art, really. HA!

"It'll save me a million bucks," Francis said Tuesday. "It's kind of like finding a winning lottery ticket in the cushions of your couch." (H/T - CNN)

That's a shame. I really wanted to see Dupre receive a huge payday and start living the good life. Maybe she would use that money to turn her life around, like Heidi Fleiss or Amy Fisher.

Damnit

Well, we lost our deciding game by a score of 4-3 after an overtime shootout. Season? Over. Personally, I feel sick about the whole ordeal. I'll post more about it later, but in the meantime, here's a New York Islander Ice Girl to make me feel better. I need some cheering up.

This Is Your Life (Sale)

Now, this man is a true entrepreneur.

SYDNEY (Reuters) - A man in Australia is auctioning his life -- his house, his job, his clothes and his friends -- on eBay, after his marriage broke up, saying he wants to start a new life.

Auctioning your friends, huh? I wonder how much I would get for Vinnie, Badger, and Fish?

"It's time to move. A completely fresh start. I want to see where life takes me," Ian Usher, 44, told Australian television on Tuesday from Perth in Western Australia state. Usher said he was auctioning his life as "a package" with his house in Perth valued at around A$420,000 (US$385,000).

On second thought, there's no way my life would come close to garnering $385,000. I wonder if i can auction off my life for a case of Guinness and an autographed photo of Jessica Biel?

"Hi there, my name is Ian Usher, and I have had enough of my life! I don't want it any more! You can have it if you like!," reads his Web site www.alife4sale.com, which has a link to eBay for bidders.

And you just know that this guy is getting bids. Good for him.

Usher said his life auction, which starts on June 22, included not only his house, a car, a motorbike, a jet ski and a spa, but also an introduction to "great friends" and a job at a rug shop in Perth for a trial two-week period.

See, he had me until the job at a rug shop. If he was employed at a race track or a nudie bar, I'd be bidding as we speak.

"When it's over, I will just walk out the front door, take my wallet, my passport and start a new life," he said. (H/T - Reuters)

Ian, with your luck, you'll probably get $400,000 for your life before that harpy you just divorced demands half. Poor bastard.

Win Or Go Home Redux

It's been a hectic seven days for my ice hockey team. We began the playoffs last Tuesday night by facing off against the Rink Rats. Unfortunately, we lost that game by a score of 5-3 when our offense didn't exactly show up. Since the playoffs are Best of Three, Sunday afternoon's game was a must win.

Boy, did we show up for that one.

After taking an early lead, we soon lost it - thanks to a bonehead play by yours truly. Mental note: passing to your teammate is good. Passing to your opponent is bad. After that mistake, my Irish-Catholic guilt got the better of me - as did some choice words from The Badger - so I tried to make up for it. Not my best plan.

Our team threw the puck into the offensive zone, and I pursued. The opponent closest to me must have been drunk - or at least suffering from seizures - because I was beating him to the puck. The goaltender came out to try and pass it away, and I deftly attempted to score.

And after that, I received my first penalty of the season. We'll never speak of the incident again.

(Let's just say it had something to do with gently placing my hands - and stick - on my opponent's back to help him, um, clear the net. Oh, and I guess there was some unpleasantness after the opponent fell to the ice in a heap and broke my fall with his chest. The referee muttered something about cross-checking . . . well, I've said too much.)

Luckily for my health, the Rink Rats didn't score while I was spending time in sunny Sin Binnia, so I was off the hook. Actually, we started playing much better after "the incident," so you could say that I had everything to do with our 7-3 win, right? Right???

Okay, probably not, but in the interest of ratting out my fellow teammates, Vinnie spent a two-minute vacation in the penalty box after burying a guy behind the boards. I think the term used was "Boarding." Not to be outdone, Badger kept his goalie penalty streak alive by politely slashing an opponent. Heh, old time hockey!

Anyway, that leads us to tonight's game. It's the last game of the series, and the winner moves on to the finals. With Randal and Greer out, our chances don't improve with the loss of Donohue and Kirk. Kirk will be on a business trip, and Donohue has the lamest excuse ever: his wife's c-section is scheduled for today. Personally, I think he should play, since the missus will be doped up from the surgery and probably won't even know he's gone.

So boys, drink your Red Bull, put on your foil, and get to the rink early. It's the playoffs, baby!

And if that isn't enough to get the guys going, I give you this:

NY Governor David Paterson Admits Affair

I still say he looks like an African-American Will Ferrell.

Wanted: A self-starting, go-getter for executive position in the Albany area. Morals, good timing, and good judgment is not necessary for the position.

The thunderous applause was still ringing in his ears when the state's new governor, David Paterson (D), told the Daily News that he and his wife had extramarital affairs.

Nice timing, yutz. Eliot Spitzer thanks for for diverting all of the bad press.

In a stunning revelation, both Paterson, 53, and his wife, Michelle, 46, acknowledged in a joint interview they each had intimate relationships with others during a rocky period in their marriage several years ago.

In the course of several interviews in the past few days, Paterson said he maintained a relationship for two or three years with "a woman other than my wife," beginning in 1999.

That's an idiotic statement. Could Paterson have had an affair with "a woman that also happens to be his wife?" Dolt.

As part of that relationship, Paterson said, he and the other woman sometimes stayed at an upper West Side hotel — the Days Inn at Broadway and W. 94th St.

He said members of his Albany legislative staff often used the same hotel when they visit the city. (H/T - Drudge)

Paterson would have to be blind to not see that this announcement was a bad move . . . Oh, sorry.

Personally, I think the part about putting up your side piece and your legislative staff at the Days Inn is more embarrassing than the actual affair. Cheap bastard.