The "Do Not Mock" List

In yesterday's comments (People I Hate), Kate had the unmitigated gall to rip Eric Lindros. To quote Queen Elizabeth: "We are not amused." This is not the first time someone was tap dancing on a landmine around here. So, as a public service announcement, here are a few people, places, and things that, if mocked, will "bring down the thunder." Pay attention, kiddies.

1. Any television series in my sidebar. I watch "24," Battlestar Galactica," Reno 911!," and "Smallville" religiously. Feel free to mock me because I am obviously a nerd/36-year old virgin, but don't rip my shows!

2. The Denver Broncos. Why in the hell would a kid from Philly root for a football team halfway across the continent? Because my mom made me, that's why. Super Bowl XII, 1978. The Broncos are playing the Dallas Cowboys. For some reason, I was a 9-year old Cowboys fan in Philly (which is actually punishable by guillotine). My mother, a rabid Eagles fan, told me that no son of hers would root for Dallas, so she made me cheer for the Broncs that January eve. Of course, Denver lost the game (and three more Super Bowls after that) 27-10. I've been a fan ever since.

3. NASCAR. I know, I know. I call Dr. Phat Tony a redneck all the time, but I would never mock stock car racing! I'm still not sure why I am such a fan (being a yankee and all), but I love it all the same. My friends and I have been to Pocono, Dover, and Daytona for races - Daytona was excellent, since it was the first race there after Dale Earnhardt died. His son, Dale, Jr. won the event! - and I hope to someday see Talladega and Indianapolis. There's something to be said about race fans, though. Unlike most sporting events (read: Eagles games), I have never seen a fight at a NASCAR race. Never. People take a lot of heat from fans of other drivers - I had a 12-year old girl tell me Jeff Gordon "sucks" - but it's all in good fun. It's definitely a family friendly event.

4. Gary Oldman. In my opinion, Oldman is the most versatile actor in the world today. Keep your Johnny Depp, Gary's got the goods. Sure, he is a freak, but he's a talented freak. In his 23 year career, Oldman has played punk legend Sid Vicious, Shakespeare's Rosencrantz, Lee Harvey Oswald, Dracula, Beethoven, Pontius Pilate, and Batman's Commissioner Gordon. All terrific roles, but for my money, Oldman's at his best as Stansfield in "The Professional." Great scene: After shooting a man six times in the back, Oldman reloads! His partner asks what he's doing (since the man is obviously dead) and Oldman replies, "But he ruined my suit."










Gary Oldman: Do not mock!