If It Weren't For Bad Luck . . .

(Jeff Gordon, preparing to give "the finger" to NASCAR.)

What a de-diddly-lightful weekend for this gunslinger. Let's chronicle the misery, shall we?

• On Saturday, my beloved Michigan Wolverines got whupped by a bunch of drunks (read: The Fighting Irish). I can say this, since I happen to be Irish. After replaying the game in my puny little brain, I have come to this conclusion: if Michigan Sophomore QB Chad Henne doesn't fumble at the 1-yard line, the blue and maize win the game. Dang. At the rate they're going, UM is gonna have trouble with Penn Freakin' State!
• Later that evening, the boys of NASCAR ran in Richmond in the final event before the Chase for the Nextel Cup (read: playoffs). Jeff Gordon needed to finish in the top ten in the overall standings to be eligible for this year's title, and as was the case for most of the season, he came up smaller than Ray Nagin. "Wonder Boy" finished a dismal 30th, and looked more like Gordon Shumway than Jeff Gordon.
• Here's a little news flash: I am a nerd. As such, it is my civic duty to join fantasy sports leagues. Football is usually first on the list. I am currently involved in three leagues (one at nfl.com, and two at yahoo.com) and on paper my teams looked fairly decent. That's why they play the games. Barring a miracle, I am going to go 0-3 in my league games this week (including the one created by The Man), primarily because I started players that I thought would do well. From now on, I will do the opposite, a la George Costanza.

There's A New "Kid" In Town

Move over, Jeff Gordon, there's a new Young Gun in NASCAR . . . and his name is Kyle Busch. The 20-year old became the youngest driver ever to win a NASCAR race after taking the checkered flag at California Speedway last night.

"The previous youngest winner was Donald Thomas, who was four days older than Busch when he won in Atlanta in November 1951."

Busch won the race in style, leading 95 of the 250 laps, and surviving a last-minute green-white-checkered finish.

As for Jeff Gordon, the light at the end of the Race for the Chase tunnel is fading fast. Gordon finished 21st last night, dropping in the point standings from tenth to twelfth, with only one race left before NASCAR's post-season. He will need to get back into the top ten to be eligible for big money and big prizes.

I'm not gonna hold my breath.

Bristol Stomp

This is gonna make GunnNutt, well, nuts! Four-time NASCAR champion Jeff Gordon (#24) pulled out a sixth place finish in Saturday night's Sharpie 500, propelling him into tenth place in the standings - and back into contention for the Chase for the Nextel Cup.

Joy-gasm!

Gordon, who had been as low as 15th place, has been clutch as of late, finishing in the top ten in the last two races. Saturday's duel in Bristol, Tennessee was vintage #24. He stayed out of trouble, and challenged when it was warranted. There are still two races left for Gordon to falter, but so far, so good.

Tony Stewart, watch your bumper.

The "Do Not Mock" List

In yesterday's comments (People I Hate), Kate had the unmitigated gall to rip Eric Lindros. To quote Queen Elizabeth: "We are not amused." This is not the first time someone was tap dancing on a landmine around here. So, as a public service announcement, here are a few people, places, and things that, if mocked, will "bring down the thunder." Pay attention, kiddies.

1. Any television series in my sidebar. I watch "24," Battlestar Galactica," Reno 911!," and "Smallville" religiously. Feel free to mock me because I am obviously a nerd/36-year old virgin, but don't rip my shows!

2. The Denver Broncos. Why in the hell would a kid from Philly root for a football team halfway across the continent? Because my mom made me, that's why. Super Bowl XII, 1978. The Broncos are playing the Dallas Cowboys. For some reason, I was a 9-year old Cowboys fan in Philly (which is actually punishable by guillotine). My mother, a rabid Eagles fan, told me that no son of hers would root for Dallas, so she made me cheer for the Broncs that January eve. Of course, Denver lost the game (and three more Super Bowls after that) 27-10. I've been a fan ever since.

3. NASCAR. I know, I know. I call Dr. Phat Tony a redneck all the time, but I would never mock stock car racing! I'm still not sure why I am such a fan (being a yankee and all), but I love it all the same. My friends and I have been to Pocono, Dover, and Daytona for races - Daytona was excellent, since it was the first race there after Dale Earnhardt died. His son, Dale, Jr. won the event! - and I hope to someday see Talladega and Indianapolis. There's something to be said about race fans, though. Unlike most sporting events (read: Eagles games), I have never seen a fight at a NASCAR race. Never. People take a lot of heat from fans of other drivers - I had a 12-year old girl tell me Jeff Gordon "sucks" - but it's all in good fun. It's definitely a family friendly event.

4. Gary Oldman. In my opinion, Oldman is the most versatile actor in the world today. Keep your Johnny Depp, Gary's got the goods. Sure, he is a freak, but he's a talented freak. In his 23 year career, Oldman has played punk legend Sid Vicious, Shakespeare's Rosencrantz, Lee Harvey Oswald, Dracula, Beethoven, Pontius Pilate, and Batman's Commissioner Gordon. All terrific roles, but for my money, Oldman's at his best as Stansfield in "The Professional." Great scene: After shooting a man six times in the back, Oldman reloads! His partner asks what he's doing (since the man is obviously dead) and Oldman replies, "But he ruined my suit."










Gary Oldman: Do not mock!

Rain Man

I hate Tony Stewart. No, really, I despise him. I hate him so much that I shop exclusively at Lowe's for my home repair needs. The driver of the #20 Home Depot Chevy Monte Carlo is an arrogant ass . . . and now he's winning! That really pisses me off.

Ya know what pisses me off even more? Rain delays during NASCAR races. Why they never implemented a system for running in the wet stuff is beyond me. Hell, F1 does it. Why can't we? I turned on NBC last night, ready to enjoy the Pepsi 400 at Daytona, only to be serenaded by their God-awful broadcast team.(Wally Dallenbach is an idiot. Benny Parsons is not much better.) I couldn't take more than five minutes of their blathering, so I went to my neighbor Denny's house to watch Kill Bill, Volume 1.

After the movie, I came back home to watch the race finale. It was midnight, and there were still about 50 laps remaining! The first thing I hear (after seeing that Jeff Gordon hadn't wrecked, thank God) was that Stewart was dominating the event. Yippee. Stewart wound up winning the race (at approximately 0200 EDT) after leading 151 of the 160 laps. Boring! It was his second win in as many races.

And I still hate his guts.

Have You Seen This Man?

If you're a Jeff Gordon fan like I am, keep looking towards the back. Keep looking. Keep looking. Yeah, there he is with the scrubs like Kyle Petty and Dave Blaney. The four-time NASCAR champ has been driving like an Asian octogenarian as of late - a fact I noticed while watching the Dodge/Save Mart 350 this afternoon. (There's four hours of my life I'll never get back.)

Even the die-hard fans can't ignore Gordon's recent pitiful showings. Dave Rodman of NASCAR.com put it rather succinctly (emphasis on suck):

"It was the fifth time in the last six races that Gordon has finished worse than 30th, and it knocked him to 14th in the standings -- his worst position this season."

Fourteenth. That's Jeremy Freakin' Mayfield territory! And with the Pepsi 400 at Daytona next week, the schedule doesn't get any easier.

Pick it up, Pretty Boy, or I'm gonna get medieval on your ass!