School District Boss Tells Principals, "I Own You"

Only in Philadelphia. Now I know why my wife became a stay-at-home mom instead of working in this cesspool one day longer.

Cassandra Jones, the city school district's chief academic officer who also is vying to become chief executive officer, yesterday denied telling a room full of principals, "I own you."

Jones also said the principals' union took out of context a remark she made about possibly having to take off her earrings to deal with a speaker during the meeting last Friday.

Of course they took the remark "out of context," because to say otherwise would expose you for a common thug, right Cassandra?

Things got raucous at one point after Rachel Holzman, the district's assistant general counsel, made a point about the need to report all incidents, including less serious ones, Jones said.

"They were yelling over her, and I stood back up and said, 'You all need to stop, you are being disrespectful. What she is saying is the law,' " Jones said.

Oh, now I get it. Jones - who is receiving a pension as well as her ridiculous salary: don't ask - is the voice of reason amongst some out of control school principals. Boy, I can't tell you how often I was called to break up a rowdy melee involving principals. They're worse than crack dealers!

She said that after the room had quieted, Vernard Trent, another district official, stood to address the 270 or so principals in attendance. In an attempt to lighten the mood, Jones said she told him:

"If you don't say something uplifting to my principals, I'm going to take off my earrings. I want something uplifting or nothing at all." (H/T - The Philadelphia Daily News)

Lovely. She was going to fight a fellow school district official if she didn't like what he said. This, my dear readers, is the essence of Philadelphia. If you have a disagreement with someone, don't talk it out, punch them in the face. And they wonder why our schools are in such despicable shape; the leaders are bigger thugs than the kids!

Oh, and one more thing. After reading this article, I searched for a photo of Ms. Jones. The papers conveniently forgot to place one in the story, and I couldn't find anything on the web. This struck me as odd, because if a police officer, firefighter, or common schoolteacher made such remarks, their visage would be plastered all over the news.

Could it be that Ms. Jones' race - she is African-American - played a part in the photo omission? Hmm . . .

It's Like They've Known Me All My Life

What Military Aircraft Are You?
EA-6B Prowler
You are an EA-6B. You are sinister, preferring not to get into confrontations, but extract revenge through mind games and technological interference. You also love to make noise and couldn't care less about pollution.

Click Here to Take This Quiz

(H/T - Ambulance Driver)

McCain Fans Need Not Apply

My latest article at Family Security Matters probably won't make you very happy. However, if you're not a McCain-aholic or if you just like reading teh funny, check out this little ditty . . .

Hello, my name is John McCain, and I would like to be your next President. I am currently a United States Senator from Arizona, where I have been serving my constituents since 1879. Believe it or not, my first campaign office is still located along Fremont Street in Tombstone. Stop by and say hello, but you’ll need to check your pistols with the Marshal.

Like any informed voter, you probably want to know a little about my background and qualifications. I mean, we cannot have just any knucklehead be elected to the highest position in the land. We tried that with Warren Harding and it was a miserable failure. And to think, I campaigned for him in the Alaska Territory. What a waste of sled dogs. Anyway, let’s get acquainted, shall we?

You can read the rest of the biting snarkasm HERE.

It's Weigh Day!

Apparently, this is where I'll make my weekly weigh-ins now.

Well, it's weigh day, and I was really looking forward to this one. Although there were no hockey games scheduled and I didn't get the chance to skate at all this week, I had a good feeling. I made my Weight Watchers points every day, so I figured a repeat of last week's -4 pounds would be on tap.

I was wrong.

When I hopped on the scale this week, it read 221. I lost a lousy two pounds. What the frak? I'm never getting skinny at this frakkin' pace! I might as well quit and start stuffing my gullet with HoHo's! Anyway, here's what I learned this week:

• Dieting without exercise is useless. You gotta move, or the loss will be minimal.
• Lean Cuisine Panini sammiches freakin' rule!
• I don't miss sweets at all.
  

So, hopefully I have learned my lesson, and will get off my fat ass a little more this week. I have lost 15 pounds since we've started, but my impatience is getting the better of me. I want to be down to 190 right now, and I have to realize that it won't happen that quickly.

Here's how the other competitors fared:
H20
Mrs. Grim
RT
Sssteve

Nancy Cartwright Gives $10 Million To Scientology

Aye, caramba! This broad's dumber than Tom Cruise and John Travolta!

Actress Nancy Cartwright, the voice behind cartoon character Bart Simpson, has been awarded Scientology's Patron Laureate Award after she donated $10 million to the faith in 2007.

Cartwright's gift -- almost two times her annual salary from "The Simpsons" -- puts her top of a list of celebrity benefactors, who have handed over their hard-earned cash to the Church of Scientology. She gave even more than Tom Cruise -- who is reported to be the controversial religion's second-in-command -- who has donated $5 million in the last four years. (H/T - Randal Graves)

Ya know, that $10 million could have done a lot of good in the real world. Instead, Cartwright just flushed it down L. Ron Hubbard's golden toilet. Nice going, jerkass!

I always wondered why The Simpsons has sucked for the past eight or so years. I guess I know the answer now.

Weekend Caption Contest

Chivalrous Caption Contest
(Source: AP)

Other Great Contests:
Blonde Sagacity
Cowboy Blob
Gone Rick Motel
Right Pundits
Rodney Dill
RT (I took 3rd Place here last week!)
WILLisms
Wizbang

Photoshop Entries:
Cowboy Blob


B.C.








Top Ten Entries:
10. "Yep, just confirming the stick is here." - Chris
9. Don't sit down too fast; I have to get this chair in just the right position. - Steveegg
8. Hillary: "I've never done it this way, before. I'm usually coming in from behind." - RT
7. "GAWD, she smells like musty cigars...the things I do to look like a gentleman." - DL474
6. "Hey Hillary, let me push your stool in." - Randal Graves
5. Obama: "Whazzat beeping sound?" - Rodney Dill
4. "Wonder if the bitch'll bounce if I pull this chair out fast enough?" - Old NFO
3. Cowboy Blob's (Disturbing) Photoshop
2. "'Scuse me while I whip this out." - The Man

WINNER! - "Barack Obama gentlemanly lifts Hillary Clinton's testicles out of the way as she sits down before their latest presidential debate." - B.C.

NASA To Launch Beatles Tune Into Space

After two exploded Space Shuttles, is this really what NASA should be focusing their efforts upon?

WASHINGTON - The Beatles are about to become radio stars in a whole new way. NASA on Monday will broadcast the Beatles' song "Across the Universe" across the galaxy to Polaris, the North Star.

This first-ever beaming of a radio song by the space agency directly into deep space is nostalgia-driven. It celebrates the 40th anniversary of the song, the 45th anniversary of NASA's Deep Space Network, which communicates with its distant probes, and the 50th anniversary of NASA. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Can they send the remaining Beatles into space as well? I may piss off a lot of people with this, but I think the Beatles are the most overrated musical group in history. Sure, their early stuff was entertaining enough, but after the first or second album, we were bored to tears with crap like Hey Jude and Across the frakkin' Universe! It's enough, already!

Another Funny From My Right-Hand Man Of Evil

(H/T - Uncle Ray)

You Know Amy Fisher Would Buy One

What. The. Frak?

LONDON (Reuters) - A chain of retail stores in Britain has withdrawn the sale of beds named Lolita and designed for six-year-old girls after furious parents pointed out that the name was synonymous with sexually active pre-teens.

In "Lolita," a 1955 novel by Vladimir Nabokov, the narrator becomes sexually involved with his 12-year-old stepdaughter -- but Woolworth's staff had not heard of the classic novel or two subsequent films based on it.

Hence they saw nothing wrong with advertising the Lolita Midsleeper Combi, a whitewashed wooden bed with pull-out desk and cupboard intended for girls aged about six until a concerned mother raised the alarm on a parenting website. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Apparently, the staff at Woolworth's saw nothing wrong with the glowing endorsement from Glen Quagmire, either.

"Giggity, giggity, giggity!"

Unhealthy Enemas Put Tourists In Hospital

As opposed to all of those "healthy enemas" that people enjoy during birthday parties and family barbecues? "Hey Bob, throw another steak on the grill while I insert my enema!"

MOSCOW (Reuters) - Russians visiting a health resort received a rude shock when a nurse used hydrogen peroxide instead of water to give them enemas.

Itar-Tass news agency reported Thursday that 17 tourists in the Caucasus spa town of Yessentuki had to be treated in hospital after the mix-up.

Sources at the sanatorium said the mistake was explained by water and hydrogen peroxide looking the same. Hydrogen peroxide, which can be used to bleach hair, is used as a disinfectant but should not be ingested. (H/T - Yahoo!)

See? This is what happens when you utilize the "dreaded apparatus."

Riddle me this, caped crusader? Why in God's name would one tourist - let alone seventeen of them - request an enema during their vacation? This is exactly why the Iron Curtain crumbled.