It's Weigh Day!

Well, it's that time again. Time to see how the fat guy - well, less fat guy - has done this past week. After two hockey games and a good week at making Weight Watchers points, I was encouraged. It would be nice to get to 206, which would make for a grand total of 30 pounds lost.

So, when I got on the scale, this little nugget was staring back at me:

207 Pounds
Damn. Like it would kill the thing to lie and say I lost the thirty. Oh well, it's still a one pound loss for the week, and 29 pounds overall. That's real progress kids, and the fact that my pants are almost too loose now and my belt is completely useless is worth the effort.

You know, this contest started on January 1st, with the provision that we would track our progress from then until June 30th. The original competitors were Sssteve, RT, Mrs. Grim, Grimjack, SoHos, Joe Cool, and GOP and College. Now, there are only 58 days left to get on your horses, kids. Let's go!

Of course, if y'all want to submit to my weight loss prowess, I will happily accept your $10 donations.

Other Progress Reports:
RT (I think she's the only other original competitor still in it.)

Obama's Wrong Reverend Wright

I held off commenting about the latest idiotic diatribes from Barack Obama's former pastor Jeremiah Wright, primarily because they were the focus of my article at Family Security Matters this week. The story has been analyzed to death, but I think I really scored a funny here.

Here's a sample:

After six tumultuous weeks of spirited debates and angry diatribes, Democrat presidential front-runner Barack Obama attempted to distance himself from his former pastor, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright. At first, Obama tried taking one step back, and two steps to the left, but his advisors explained that he probably needed to distance himself further.

Luckily for the senator from Illinois, moving away from the good reverend was easier than getting crack cocaine from Amy Winehouse. It is no great understatement to say that Rev. Wright enjoyed a thoroughly busy week. First, he made these remarks at the NAACP’s Fight for Freedom Dinner in Detroit, Michigan:

"I'm not here for political reasons. I am not a politician. I know that fact will surprise many of you because many in the corporate-owned media have made it seem as if I have announced that I'm running to for the Oval Office. I am not running for the Oval Office. I've been running for Jesus a long, long time, and I'm not tired yet."

. . . Immediately after these comments were televised, Barack Obama reportedly sat down, wrapped his head in duct tape, and waited for the aneurysm.

You can read the rest of the snark HERE.

"Bikini Mate" Biology Teacher Fired

Because as everyone knows, if you're an attractive woman who is forced to find another job because your teacher's salary is pitiful, you must be a whore.

A high school science teacher in Florida has been booted from class, a decision she claims administrators made not based on poor job performance but on her moonlighting gig as a bikini mate aboard a local charter fishing boat.

Tiffany Shepherd, 30, a college-educated single mother of three children, ages 2, 6, and 9, had worked for four years in Florida's St. Lucie County School District, just north of Palm Beach, before an ugly divorce early this year caused enough financial strain that she had to seek a second job.

"I wasn't making enough money," Shepherd, a Florida native and self-described lifelong angler, told ABC News. "This was perfect because I could get paid to fish. It was easy money. In two days fishing, I make more that I do in a week teaching."

Her first fishing trip, Shepherd said, was Saturday, April 19. Four days later, she called into her school, Port St. Lucie High, to arrange for a substitute in order to attend a doctor's appointment. In the process, she learned that she was not welcome back for the rest of the year, nor would she have her annual contract for the 2008-09 school year renewed. (H/T - ABC News)

Okay, of course I am mentioning this story because Tiffany is smoking hot, but that's not the issue here. The issue is that this is a non-issue. The fact that the school district is claiming she was fired for excessive absences just shows that their case is weak at best. Just because a woman works as a bikini girl on a fishing charter to earn extra money does not mean she's a bad teacher. Besides, I'm sure the same school district has one or two political wackos in their employ that rant about how the Bush Administration is full of cold-blooded killers or that Barack Obama is a racist hate-monger.

Personally, I'd rather hire Tiffany Shepherd before Ward Churchill.

I mean, it's a frakkin' bikini, not topless, and she lives in SUNNY FLORIDA!!!

Weekend Caption Contest

Stop Snitchin' Caption Contest
(Source: Reuters)

Submit your original caption to this photo in the comments section, or e-mail me your photoshop entries. The winners will be announced on Monday, May 5th. Good luck!

Original Caption: An LAPD officer assists a young boy during a May Day immigration and labor march and rally in downtown Los Angeles, May 1, 2008.

Other Current Contests:
Blonde Sagacity
bRight & Early
Cowboy Blob
Gone Rick Motel
Right Pundits
Rodney Dill
RT
WILLisms

Photoshop Entries:
- B.C.



- bRight & Early






Top Ten Entries:
10. Shorty - "Yo holmes, you didn't see nothing."
Officer - "Thanks for the cabbage, Paco. NOTHING TO SEE HERE FOLKS, MOVE ALONG!" JimmyB
9. "You a cop? You look like a cop." - RFTR
8. So the guy who took your candy was wearing a cowboy hat and red long johns??? - Dennis
7. "So kid, you say your mom is single and works at a donut shop?" - BobG
6. Juan does the age-old trick: Look cute, distract the caring officer, and ten of his relatives can sneak by and get into California's socialist system. - RT
5. bRight & Early's Photoshop.
4. My papa says you are a pendejo. - Vance
3. Brittany Spears is my mother, help me. - The Man
2. You have Court Vision, don't you, little Adriano? Tell me who the Pyro is. - Mope (Bonus points for the Derby reference.)

WINNER! - "Don' taze me, hermano!" - Darth Bacon

Arkansas Storms Kill Seven

Damn.

DAMASCUS, Arkansas (CNN) -- At least seven people, including three members of the same family, were killed Friday and at least 13 people were injured as severe weather swept through Arkansas, emergency officials said.

There's a town in Arkansas called "Damascus???"

Three people -- two adults and a child -- died when their home in Damascus, Arkansas, took a direct hit from what may have been a tornado, Van Buren County Sheriff Scott Bradley said.

Two people were killed in Conway County, Arkansas, and one in Hensley, south of the capital city of Little Rock in southern Pulaski County, said Tommy Jackson of the state Department of Emergency Management. He said he did not have details. (H/T - CNN)

Jesus, what a tragedy. Okay, all of you SYLG readers in Arkansas, please check in so I know you're safe . . .

Liz Taylor Weighs In On Presidential Race

And she weighed in at about 275 pounds.

(CNN) — Actress Elizabeth Taylor urged voters in next week’s Democratic primaries to back Hillary Clinton's White House run, saying in a statement released Friday that the New York senator was “not a flibbertijibbet.”

What the frak is a flibbertijibbet?

“It would be magnificent for our country if Senator Clinton won the votes, hearts and minds of the people in Indiana and North Carolina on Tuesday. She’s a brilliant teacher and powerful leader. We all know what she’s about. We know what she isn’t. Senator Clinton is not a flibbertijibbet [sic]. She’s strong,” said Taylor.

Okay, that's the second time the word "flibbertijibbet" appeared in this article. I swear to God I'm going to pistol whip the next guy who says, "flibbertijibbet."

“It’s also important for great leaders to have a sense of humor about themselves. The future of our great country rests in the hands of the next president. Who sits in the Oval Office will be determined greatly by the citizens of Indiana and North Carolina. In my heart, I know they will choose wisely and they will choose well.” (H/T - CNN)

Wow, has she really gone off the deep end. It's important for great leaders to have a sense of humor about themselves? Oh yeah, Liz; that George Washington was a laugh riot. Imbecile.

Everything's Bigger In Texas

Except, apparently, this toad's brain.

FORT WORTH, Texas - Charles Ray Fuller must have been planning one big record company. The 21-year-old North Texas man was arrested last week for trying to cash a $360 billion check, saying he wanted to start a record business. Tellers at the Fort Worth bank were immediately suspicious — perhaps the 10 zeros on a personal check tipped them off.

Fuller said his girlfriend's mother gave him the check to start a record business. But bank employees who contacted the account's owner said the woman told them she did not give him permission to take or cash the check. (H/T - AP via Yahoo!)

Well played, Charles. Unless you are, in reality, Dr. Evil, you probably are not carrying around a check for three-hundred and sixty . . . billion . . . dollars!

Asshat.

President Bush Makes A Funny

The New York Giants were honored at the White House yesterday, and President Bush was sporting his own "A" game. To wit:

The president's best line of the day came when he mentioned how the team stormed through Tampa Bay and then went into Dallas. The crowd whooped and President Bush replied by smiling and saying, "I'm a good sport." Then, he paused and quipped, "We're going to send Jessica Simpson to the Democratic National Convention." (H/T - NJ.com)

Love him or hate him, that's a pretty funny line.

Israeli Attack Kills Islamic Jihad Chief

To quote Nelson Muntz: "Ha, ha!"

JERUSALEM (CNN) -- One person was killed and three were wounded Wednesday in an Israeli airstrike targeting a metal shop in Rafah, according to Palestinian security and medical sources.

Israel Defense Forces confirmed the airstrike.

The person killed was the deputy commander of the Islamic Jihad military wing, according to the Palestinian sources, who said he also served as a school headmaster at a United Nations Relief and Works Agency school.

UNRWA spokesman Chris Gunnes said he could not immediately confirm that the person was employed by the United Nations, and added that staff members who bring politics into U.N. institutions are fired immediately for violating staff rules. (H/T - CNN)

Score one for Israel. God, how I love them!

Although, to be honest, I find it hard to believe that a terrorist commander would be employed by a United Nations organization. /Snark.

UPDATE: Allegedly, the leader of al Qaeda in Somalia was killed in a U.S. airstrike as well. Sweet.

People Of Lesbos Sue Greek Gay Group

You just can't make this stuff up, folks.

ATHENS, Greece (AP) — A Greek court has been asked to draw the line between the natives of the Aegean Sea island of Lesbos and the world's gay women.

Three islanders from Lesbos — home of the ancient poet Sappho, who praised love between women — have taken a gay rights group to court for using the word lesbian in its name.

One of the plaintiffs said Wednesday that the name of the association, Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece, "insults the identity" of the people of Lesbos, who are also known as Lesbians.

"My sister can't say she is a Lesbian," said Dimitris Lambrou. "Our geographical designation has been usurped by certain ladies who have no connection whatsoever with Lesbos," he said.

The three plaintiffs are seeking to have the group barred from using "lesbian" in its name and filed a lawsuit on April 10. The other two plaintiffs are women.

"This is not an aggressive act against gay women," Lambrou said. "Let them visit Lesbos and get married and whatever they like. We just want (the group) to remove the word lesbian from their title."

He said the plaintiffs targeted the group because it is the only officially registered gay group in Greece to use the word lesbian in its name. The case will be heard in an Athens court on June 10.

The Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece could not be reached for comment. (H/T - AP)

In a related story, a trio of manly lesbians are trying to sue Hans Brinker for sexual harassment after putting his finger in the dyke.