I Think I Found Those 72 Virgins

Does anyone know where JT was yesterday?

LONDON - The brown hooded cloak worn by Obi-Wan Kenobi in the "Star Wars" films — and then forgotten for years in a warehouse — sold for $104,000 to an anonymous telephone bidder Tuesday at an auction of movie and TV memorabilia.

Sources claim the anonymous telephone bidder was calling from his parents' basement, wearing only his Star Wars Underoos and ranting about how Boba Fett could kick Darth Maul's ass.

The auction's main attraction was the hooded cloak worn by Alec Guinness as Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi in "Star Wars." It had gone unnoticed in the company's inventory until its provenance was discovered last year. (H/T - Yahoo!)

$104,000. To buy a robe worn by Alec Guinness three decades ago. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the Nerdus Extremus overpaid. It's probably itchy, moth-ridden, and full of "old man stink."

Oh, and what the hell does "provenance" mean, anyway? Damned limeys!

The Best Of Both Worlds

Another gem from YouTube: Motorhead's Ace of Spades and the Mad Max Trilogy. Rock on!

Wyatt's Wisdom Nuggets

It's been a few weeks since I last imparted some wisdom on the blogosphere. Today's nugget - pun intended - is dedicated to Pandy.

Wyatt's Wisdom Nugget #11: The smell of a baby's diaper is directly related to the size of the poop. The smaller the doody, the greater the smell.

Baby, You CAN'T Drive My Car

I need a car.

My 1999 Saturn SC2 has pretty much had it, and it reminds me of this fact almost daily. When it rains, the passenger side door leaks. When it snows, the brakes shudder and shake. When it's sunny, everyone can see the chipped paint. Even in the lousy neighborhood where I work, no one wants to steal the damned thing! Long story short - I know, too late - I am actively searching for my next ride. Thankfully, I have a few vehicles in mind:


1. The Main Force Patrol's V8 Interceptor. The last of the V8's is surely good enough for this humble blogger. It's wicked bad, but I will require a working supercharger/blower for that extra boost while driving on I-95. Oh, and as an added bonus, I wonder if the dealership will rig the gas tanks to explode if someone tries to steal it . . . or if the wife tries to borrow it for shopping?

2. The Pontiac GTO. With the possible exception of Asia Argento, this little beauty was the best thing about XXX. The after-market version - complete with machine guns, a flamethrower, and rockets - is preferable for those times when you're stuck behind an old man in a hat driving a car ten times his size. Imagine, this dream will be the end of rude people flipping you off, seniors driving for twenty miles with their turn signals activated, and the liberal hippies with the "Save the Whales" bumper stickers. Heh.

3. The Tumbler. Ah, Batman, what would highway travel be like without your wisdom? The Tumbler is nigh invulnerable, so there's no reason to leave a note after sideswiping a row of cars. It comes equipped with a weapons system and small mines which can be deployed from the rear - perfect for those tailgating jerks. Stuck in traffic? Just drive over your friends and neighbors! You'll never be late for work again. Okay, the Tumbler isn't exactly roomy, but since the wife owns the minivan, we can compromise a tad.

I'm not sure of the sticker price of my choices, but since JimmyB thinks money is no object for Philly cops, I am sure I can buy at least two of the three.

Rumors Of My Death

. . . have been greatly exaggerated.

After working until 11pm last night, my squad hit our usual watering hole. The Guinness flowed, the occasional Red Death shot was downed, and my friend Rob and I improved our bar shuffleboard record to 6-0. (We beat The Godfather and Susie by a score of 21-0.) Nice.

After the merriment, I got home at 4am, hit the hay, and awoke for work. Jumping on the computer was not an option, so I figured I'd skip a day of posting. What's the harm, right?

Well, when I got to work, Sssteve sent me a text message that read, "Hey. Are you okay?" After the next two messages came my way, I figured it out: everyone thought I was dead (or at least in some sort of disfiguring industrial accident). I was pretty impressed that some people actually missed me. Then I wondered if those same people were seeing professional help. Anyway, I am still alive; I didn't quit the blog; and I appreciate the concern. What I appreciate even more is the idea this gave me.

The Top Five Consequences Of My Brutal Demise

5. Hillary loses her cankles in solemn tribute.
4. Uber stalking drops to an all-time low.
3. City funeral - free flag!!!
2. Denny's Caption Contest would never get pimped.

And the number one consequence of my brutal demise is . . .

1. The planet immediately gets lighter.

BUMPED! Weekend Caption Contest

Come With Me If You Want To Limp Contest
(Source: Yahoo! Sports)

Caption this photo in the comments section, and I'll announce the winners on Monday. Seriously. No early closings this time, I promise. Photoshops are also welcome.

Other Current Contests:
Blogs4Bauer
Cowboy Blob
GOP and College
Rodney Dill

Top 10 Entries:
10. "I present to you, our governor, your friend, and terminator of all that's conservative, leaning on his socialist crutch . . . Ahhhhhnold!" - Sssteve
9. "I got this during the shooting of Terminator 8. GET TO THE CHOPPER! OW, MY LEG!" - Grim
8. "Anyone up for a four-legged race?" - RT
7. "For all you bastards who didn't think I had a leg to stand on." - Dragonlady
6. We were told that only evil could come of crossing a man with a wheelchair. WE SHOULD HAVE LISTENED!!! WE SHOULD HAVE LISTENED!!!" - Damian G.
5. "Hasta la vista, conservatism. I've got my socialist crutch now!" - Pam
4. "It's like my third leg, it's so big." - The Anti-Hippie
3. "If you piss me off, I'll show you it's also a flamethrower." - CHSW
2. The Crutchinator. - Rodney Dill

WINNER! "I'll be back . . . eventually." - The Man

A Brainy Birthday

Today is Brainster's birthday. Why not follow John McCain's lead and stop by to wish him well?

Other party revelers:
Pam
Kitty
Lorie
Aaron
John
Gayle

Beeteljuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!

It looks like Fm's comment on this post conjured up Liz Hurley. And not in a good way . . .

"Elizabeth Hurley married an Indian businessman in a private civil ceremony at a 15-century castle, and photographers and spectators descended Saturday on this quiet town in western England to catch a glimpse of their lavish wedding party. Gloucestershire County Council confirmed that Hurley and Arun Nayar married Friday at Sudeley Castle in Winchcombe, 125 miles west of London." (H/T - Yahoo!)

Yep, Liz is getting married - and not to Fm. Heh. Details are scarce, but SYLG's foreign correspondents have uncovered a few info tidbits. For instance:

* Hurley married an Indian businessman in hopes of inheriting his vast maize empire. No one had the heart to tell her that her new husband was a Slurpee Indian, and not a Casino Indian.

* Former beau Hugh Grant was in attendance with a disheveled, unidentified woman named "Kandy Kain."

* The event was catered by Wolfgang Puck, who was ordered to wash his hands every thirty seconds by armed militiamen, what with that Hepatitis A scare, and all. It appears that even the English don't like English food.

Stay Tuned For An Important Political Message

Good morning. My name is Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton, and I am running for the Democratic nomination of President of the United States. Recently, some radical muckrakers uncovered my Wellesley College senior thesis - Go Shrews! Beat Bryn Mawr! - something my husband assured me was locked away with his testicles. Suffice to say, the release of my term paper did not please me, and the corridors of my office will be slathered in blood.

Some right wing moonbats are making a stink about the topic of my thesis; alleged radical socialist Saul D. Alinsky. I can assure you, Mr. Alinsky was no more radical than George Soros or Ward Churchill. Saul simply believed that the ends justified the means in any and every situation. If killing innocent babies and drinking their precious blood would help people to vote Democrat, than so be it.

As I mentioned in my thesis, Mr. Alinsky had an "exceptional charm." I can still remember the Thanksgiving in 1965 when he dressed up like a turkey and murdered an orphan dressed as Miles Standish. Good times.

Anyway, the release of my thesis is hardly newsworthy, which is why I had Bill lock it away during my, er, his Presidency. The last thing we needed was some of our most fervent supporters reading it and *gasp* thinking for themselves. Thinking. That's what your government is for!

Besides, if I wanted to ban something from my Wellesley days, it would have been this college photo. That's me; young, attractive, smiling, and no cankles! Hardly the impression I want to give to the voters of this country. Free Huey!

The Beckhams: Coming To America

Mmm . . . spicy!

When Victoria Beckham moves to town, the momentous event will be recorded for television by the creator of "American Idol."

Well, if the creators of AI are involved, at least we know it will be a quality program.

NBC has signed a deal for six episodes of a half-hour unscripted series chronicling the former Posh Spice's relocation from Europe with her soccer-star husband, David, who has signed to play with the Galaxy team here, Daily Variety said Wednesday. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Okay, I have a few opinions about this story:

1. Victoria Beckham is really, really hot.

2. If David Beckham can't save the MSL, then soccer is truly dead in this country. Sure, he's lost a step or three, but he's one of the first true stars to join the league.

3. Victoria Beckham is really, really hot.