Happy New Year!

Here's wishing you and yours a terrific 2008! (Here's also wishing that the idiots who inhabit my city will bang some pots and pans at midnight, instead of the usual: firing their guns into the air. You live in Philadelphia, morons, not Beirut!)

Killadelphia!

Philadelphia Mayor John Street: Idiotus Extremus It took all year, but finally the media is getting it. CALL IT 'KILLADELPHIA'? Despite progress, the city's murder rate is No. 1 among big cities. Figures tell the story, but don't nail the solution. AS Philadelphia approaches the new year and a new mayor, the murder rate remains an appalling blight on the city's reputation and a threat to our quality of life. While shootings and other violent crimes are down from last year, there's only slight improvement from the 406 homicides recorded in 2006. As of last night, the city had suffered 391 murders in 2007, the highest rate per 100,000 residents among the nation's 10 largest cities. It hasn't always been this bad. (H/T - The Philadelphia Daily News) No, it hasn't always been this bad. When former incompetent mayor (now current incompetent governor) Ed Rendell was in office, we averaged 423 homicides a year. Hell, in one of Rendell's stellar years at the helm, the count exceeded 550! Yet, for some reason, Rendell is revered as one of this town's greatest mayors. All of the hippies are clamoring for a gun ban here, but again, that will do little to curb the violence. Homicides in Philadelphia are not committed with legally-owned handguns! Street and Rendell can ban everything from Smith & Wesson revolvers to pea shooters: it won't make a difference. The fact of the matter is that the criminals will find ways to procure the necessary firearms, and use them in the manners they see fit. For those of you who still don't get it, let me put it this way: illegal drugs are banned in Philadelphia. Don't we still have a drug problem? I don't know what the final tally will be, but it will definitely be less than last year's count of 406. (The media is three deaths off, by the way - the official current tally is 394, seen at First In!) And although most people would be horrified by that number, the politicians in this city will consider it a victory. And that, dear readers, is the problem.

Back With Flair!

Or, in Sssteve's case, it should be "Back . . . with hair!" In case you haven't noticed, my good friend Sssteve hasn't posted in about, oh, four months. Work, play, and life in general overwhelmed him for a while there, but he's back with a vengeance today, ready to dazzle us with his snark. Just in time for the new year, Sssteve posted a few resolutions - one of them being the usual mainstay: to lose weight. In typical Sssteve fashion, he had to drag me into his mess, and has challenged me to a "Weight Off." Sssteve claims he needs to lose about 100 pounds, and while that much weight loss would turn me into the emaciated stick figure I was in high school, I could certainly stand to lose about 50 or so. Thus, I will accept his final challenge - we still have to work out some of the details - because if it gets him motivated, then I want to help. Of course, we'll post the battle stats on the blog for everyone to enjoy. And by "enjoy," I mean mock. Hell, maybe we can drag some other bloggers into the act, and see who can lose the most weight in six months? When you get a chance, please stop by HIS BLOG and welcome him back. Oh, and while you're at it, wish him a happy birthday, too!

Chelsea Clinton: Scumbag

Yes, those are strong words; but in this case, they are fairly accurate. Read on: VINTON, Iowa - It's one thing for Hillary Rodham Clinton's campaign to turn down interview requests for the candidate's daughter, Chelsea. But can't a 9-year old reporter catch a break? Sydney Rieckoff, a Cedar Rapids fourth grader and "kid reporter" for Scholastic News, has posed questions to seven Republican and Democratic presidential hopefuls as they've campaigned across Iowa this year. But when she approached the 27-year-old Chelsea after a campaign event Sunday, she got a different response. "Do you think your dad would be a good 'first man' in the White House?" Rieckoff asked, but Chelsea brushed her question aside. "I'm sorry, I don't talk to the press and that applies to you, unfortunately. Even though I think you're cute," Chelsea told the pint-sized journalist. (H/T - Yahoo!) It's nice to see that the bitch doesn't fall far from the tree. I'll bet her mother is very, very proud of her.

Shaken, Not Stirred

The Recipe For Wyatt 3 parts Courage 2 parts Grace 1 part Recklessness Splash of Drive Finish off with whipped cream What's the Recipe for Your Personality? (H/T - ALa) Grace? Wow, they are way, way, way off! I mean, I can see the recklessness and the drive, and the whipped cream? Well, membership has its privileges. But grace? Not at all.

Girl Wins Hannah Montana Tix With Despicable Lie

No punishment is too severe for this woman. If you're gonna lie about something, don't lie about a soldier's death in Iraq. GARLAND, Texas (AP) -- An essay that won a 6-year-old girl four tickets to a Hannah Montana concert began with the powerful line: "My daddy died this year in Iraq." While gripping, it wasn't true -- and now the girl may lose her tickets after her mom acknowledged to contest organizers it was all a lie. The saga began Friday with company officials surprising the girl at a Club Libby Lu at a mall in suburban Garland, northeast of Dallas. The girl won a makeover that included a blonde Hannah Montana wig, as well as the grand prize: airfare for four to Albany, New York, and four tickets to the sold-out Hannah Montana concert on January 9. The mother had told company officials that the girl's father died April 17 in a roadside bombing in Iraq, company spokeswoman Robyn Caulfield said. "We did the essay and that's what we did to win," Priscilla Ceballos, the mother, said in an interview with Dallas TV station KDFW. "We did whatever we could do to win." (H/T - CNN) And that, Priscilla is exactly why you are the biggest scumbag in American history. The sponsor is threatening to revoke the tickets. Considering? The tickets should have already been revoked! I realize that it's not the girl's fault that her mother is a despicable, disgusting, slob - who appears to have no remorse, by the way - but the girl should not be rewarded for a lie. It's a damned shame the Garland Police can't charge Ceballos with a crime. They execute people all the time in Texas, and I can think of no person more deserving.

Perfect!

Where did Brady learn to be so good? Michigan! EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. (AP) -- Tom Brady was as giddy as the quarterback of an unbeaten and perhaps unbeatable team should be. Had Bill Belichick spotted him slapping the backs of his New England teammates, the dour coach might have scoffed. After all, a perfect 16-0 regular season won't mean much if the Patriots don't win their next three games and another Super Bowl. "We've been dealing with being undefeated all season," Brady said Saturday night after the thrilling 38-35 victory over the New York Giants in a game worthy of the NFL's championship showcase. "It was kind of a strange game. It really doesn't mean much to either team, but it means a lot." In gaining their 19th straight win over two seasons, the Patriots went on top on Brady's 50th touchdown pass of the year and Moss' 23rd TD reception. It came with 11:06 remaining. Brady beat Peyton Manning's mark of 49 touchdown passes and Moss broke Jerry Rice's record of 22 TD receptions. And the Patriots finished with an incredible 589 points for the season, another single-season record. (H/T - Yahoo!) I'm not a huge Patriots fan, and I think Bill Belichik is an arrogant ass, but with all due respect to Peyton Manning, Tom Brady is the best quarterback in the game.

It's Hockey Heaven

I truly despise Vincent Antonelli. Why would I say such a thing about one of my best friends? Because while I am sitting at my computer typing this post, he is currently in Davos, Switzerland. And why is he in Davos, Switzerland? Because he and Deathlok's brother Sean are attending the 2007 Spengler Cup. The Spengler Cup is like soccer's World Cup, but unlike soccer, its participants are playing an exciting sport: ice hockey. Heh. National teams from Canada, Germany, Russia, Switzerland, and the Czech Republic are playing in the annual round-robin tournament amidst a carnival-like atmosphere. Think the Olympics with a lot more drinking. How much more drinking? Well, for the length of the tournament (December 26th through December 31st) the bars in Davos never close. That's right, they are open all night. Mardi Gras without the broken levees. It's kickass! So, why would I pass up an opportunity to experience a once-in-a-lifetime trip to see my favorite sport? Because my wife is pregnant. Lousy pregnant wife. (Kidding, kidding!) Since the missus is due in early March, and the last two Earp boys came six weeks and four weeks early, respectively, the trip was cutting things close. It also didn't help that I would have been out of the country for the entire Christmas break, and wifey didn't think that would be good for our family togetherness. Like I care. IT'S HOCKEY!!! DOES SHE EVEN KNOW ME??? Kidding again. It sucks that I can't attend, especially since I will miss one or more of the following: Learning to sing with rowdy German fans. Eating horse steak. Yep, it's a delicacy over there. Blecch! Drinking myself silly while picking fights with sissy Swiss guys. Staring at fabulous Slovak broads who happen to like ice hockey. Watching Vinnie try to sweet talk babes that don't speak English. Oh well, it's disappointing, but I understand. Since The Badger wasn't able to attend, either, hopefully, we'll be able to convince the better halves to let us attend a future Spengler Cup. Until then, Vinnie has specific orders to bring me home a HC Moller Pardubice (Czech Republic) jersey. For those of you interested, here's some highlights of a previous Spengler Cup tourney:

Gunman Shoots Up Knoxville Hooters

Cripes, if he didn't want onions on his burger he should have just said so. KNOXVILLE, Tennessee (AP) -- A customer who was upset over his tab fired several shots into a Hooters restaurant, leaving a manager and another patron in critical condition Saturday, police said. Police were searching for the man, who left on foot just after midnight, Lt. Kenny Miller said. Managers asked the man to leave after he refused to pay his bill, according to Miller. The man went outside and started firing shots from a .40-caliber handgun at the building, Miller said. A customer leaving the restaurant and a manager inside were in critical condition Saturday at the University of Tennessee Medical Center. (H/T - CNN) Bastard! I mean, it's Hooters. Who would want to hurt anyone in there? Frakkin' coward. I hope he is brought to justice quickly.

Change Is Good

Especially if it's in the form of a New Year's Resolution. Now, that's a transition! Okay, it's a terrible transition, but it was the best I could come up with to introduce my latest article at Family Security Matters. Here's a sampling: As the final days of 2007 wind down, many folks are dreaming up their New Year’s resolutions for 2008. Whether it be joining a gym to lose some of those holiday pounds or quitting smoking to clear up their lungs, everyone has something about themselves they would like to improve upon. Politicians are no different. Sure, most politicos are black-hearted swindlers bent upon separating you from your money (and your vote), but they are people, too. Of course, the term “people” in this case only refers to the fact that they are carbon-based life forms; these folks have no soul. Nevertheless, many of our friends in Washington are jotting down their self-improvement projects for the election year. You can read the rest of the (hopeful) hilarity HERE. UPDATE: My article is listed just below the one by Newt Gingrich. Boy, talk about a drop off in talent. I should be somewhere in the back of the site by the kitchen!

Joe Paterno Mocked!

And, for some reason, the outrage is indescribable. It's as if someone made fun of Mohammad - who is actually younger than Joe Pa. SAN ANTONIO —Texas A&M apologized to Penn State after a student leader mocked Joe Paterno by telling a crowd that the 81-year-old coach needs "a casket." Paterno and his Penn State team face A&M on Saturday night in the Alamo Bowl. One A& M yell leader, during a pep rally Thursday night, told the crowd that Paterno was "on his death bed" and "someone needs to find him a casket." The remarks drew boos from the crowd. A&M team spokesman Alan Cannon said Friday he did not know the name of the yell leader, though the student has been sent home. The yell leaders - similar to cheerleaders - are A&M's official "spirit" organization and lead fans' cheers during games and other school events. They are elected by the student body. Paterno, at a news conference Friday at the Alamodome, said he was backstage with Aggies interim coach Gary Darnell when the comments were made, but did not hear them. "I think everybody has to take things with a grain of salt," Paterno said. "Some young guy went up there, trying to be funny. Maybe he's accurate, I don't know." (H/T - Rivals.com) Okay, first of all, the casket remark is funny. Does anyone remember when America had a sense of humor? It's college football for cripes' sake! The point of a pep rally is to fire up the home crowd at the opponent's expense. Second of all, Paterno is right; the comments were accurate. The man is 81 years old, he barely knows where he is half the time, he lets his assistant coaches run the games for him, and he's even more humorless than John Kerry. Personally, I think Paterno passed away years ago, but I'm not a doctor, so . . Lighten up, Joe. Life's too short. Heh.

Weekend Caption Contest

Go For The Juggler Caption Contest (Source: AP) Original Caption: Marty Culbertson, left, and Martine Scheuermann toss apples in the air outside their Chagrin Falls, Ohio home on Sunday, Dec. 2, 2007. The two women pooled the $50 they each received at church, and Scheuermann turned their kitchen into an 'applesauce factory', making batches and batches of applesauce which she sold to fellow church members. Other Great Contests: Cowboy Blob Right Pundits Rodney Dill RT WILLisms Wizbang Top 5 Entries: 5. Martine proves that she's had no experience, whatsoever, juggling ball shaped objects. - RT 4. Even a curtain of fruit couldn't conceal their hidden love... - JimmyB 3. Proving once and for all that the apple doesn't fall far from the lesbian. - RFTR 2. "Newton sucked" - Rodney Dill WINNER! - An apple a day keeps the MEN away. - SoHos

It's Funny Because It's True

This is an artist's conception of Mrs. Earp's last ultrasound. (H/T - Jeffro)

150,000!

And, before you ask, no, it the lucky visitor wasn't me. Well, it took two and a half years, but this insipid little blog finally reached 150,000 hits. That's some pretty nice territory. It's not Ambulance Driver numbers - Hell, it's not even GOP and the City numbers, and he's been retired for a year! - but it's pretty nice company. It almost makes me feel good that I didn't quit blogging (although I did seriously consider it twice). I would love to stand here and tell you that I don't care about the hits, but everyone who knows me knows that that's just bunk. I never used to care about the hits. I mean, why worry about readers when you don't have any? But when this blog started to gain a measure of popularity, I started to care about the numbers more and more. Now, it's almost to the point that I care about the numbers more than I care about the blogging. And that's a problem. I started this thing because I wanted to write. Period. It was a release that sorely needed after a day of dealing with idiots at work. It was fun, and I thought maybe, just maybe, it would lead to good things. After landing the column at Family Security Matters, that theory has proven to be correct. If I could quit my job tomorrow and make a career out of writing, I'd do it. I can't - yet - but it's an honor to write for FSM. What I don't want is to see SYLG suffer because of these good things, and I'm afraid it was headed in that direction. I love getting comments, but when there are so few in a post, I fret that the post wasn't very inspiring. I worry about such things, mostly because I am an obsessive-compulsive basket case. I promised myself I would try to respond to every comment on every post, and thus far, I think I have done a decent job. What I'm trying to say - in the most roundabout way possible - is that I am going to put more effort into SYLG, starting today. I promise to do my best to not put up lazy, boring posts. In short, I promise to try and win you over again. Thank you all so very much for reading. Without you, I am nothing.

"Glamocracy" In Action

Last week, Democratic Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton posted an original blog entry on "Glamocracy," the political arm of Glamour Magazine. What is going on here? The magazine that George Costanza made famous is now delving into all things political? And while we're at it, does anyone else see the irony in Hillary Clinton's appearance in Glamour Magazine? That's like having John Goodman appear in Men's Health! Every candidate was invited to either post a blog entry, or be interviewed by the magazine's bloggers. Clinton was the first to accept, and submitted an article entitled, "The Power of Your Voice." Strangely enough, Clinton was not referring to the symbolic power of a woman's vote. She was referring to her mystical power of replicating the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard. A mere shriek of that shrill voice has exploded seagulls in mid-flight, brought Bill Clinton to her heel, and lesser men to their knees. Apparently, Clinton relished her appearance in Glamocracy, because it was yet another chance for the Senator to unleash her "Girl Power" on the unsuspecting public. For example, Clinton hearkened back to her youth, where she "was reminded daily of what I couldn't do—the schools I couldn't attend, the sports I couldn't play, the jobs I could never have." Isn't that just heartbreaking? Imagine how devastating it must have been for young Hillary when she was told she was unable to attend Vassar, and instead, had to "slum" at Wellesley. Or the horror she must have experienced when she was informed that in order to compete in the two-mile relay, she should probably lose the "cankles." One can almost see the tears streaming down Hillary's angelic face when she was told that she was overqualified for the night manager position at Arby's, and was forced to become a lawyer, then partner at the Rose Law Firm. Senator Clinton is obviously pandering to the audience in this piece, and that is to be expected. Unfortunately, she is also talking down to her audience, and that is unforgivable. Clinton is working to become the first female President of the United States, but although she is running in the 2008 election, she is using rallying cries from 1908. American women have achieved amazing accomplishments in the past thirty years, and although the country may be ready for a woman in the White House, it is doubtful that the country is ready for this woman in the White House. November, 2008 cannot come fast enough.

The Most Ironic Headline Ever

Mayor Street honors officers on "Police Appreciation Day" Paying tribute to the city's police force and making one of his last public statements, outgoing Mayor John Street today honored local police officers with Police Appreciation Day. Well, golly gee, Mr. Mayor, we are so honored by your appreciation. Street said the City Hall ceremony - the first official Police Appreciation Day for the 6,700-member force during the Street administration - was "driven by the fact that in this city, as well as other cities, law enforcement officials are coming under unprecedented attack." It was the first Police Appreciation Day of his administration? I guess that's better than Street's usual "Fist the Police Day." And right before he becomes a private citizen again. Hmm. No one will see through that, John. Flanked by city Managing Director Loree Jones, Police Commissioner Sylvester M. Johnson, and Fraternal Order of Police president John McNesby, Street addressed an audience of nearly 100 uniformed officers and 50 city employees, well-wishers and reporters in the Mayor's Reception Room. So with Johnson, city employees, and reporters, the room was just chock full of cop-hating citizens. Who wouldn't want to be a part of that? "We have to make a public statement that, in this city, we appreciate the men and women in blue," said Street, who noted that six police officers were killed since he took office eight years ago, including Office Chuck Cassidy on Oct. 31. Perhaps is Street made this statement when he first took office, killing cops wouldn't be seen as an acceptable practice, and good friends like Chuck would still be here. Johnson, who received a standing ovation when introduced, presented awards to various special-unit officers. Johnson has been criticized for creating special units within the department at the expense of putting more officers on the streets. See, that's just not fair. I mean, why would the PATROL Bureau need officers? What we really need is more officers in the Narcotics Bureau, because the 1,000 or so already there are making such a difference! /Snark. Johnson is retiring next week after a 40-year career as a Philadelphia police officer. (H/T - The Philadelphia Inquirer) Thank God! Don't let the door hit you in the ample behind on the way out, Sylvester. I wish Johnson's exit would mean a better work environment for myself and my fellow officers, but since Johnson's replacement seems equally inept, I fear things won't be improving anytime soon.

Put Your Nose To The Milestone

Did you ever just wake up one day and say to yourself, "Wow, I must not suck as bad as I thought?" Me neither. However, it has come to my attention that this insignificant little blog is fast approaching its 150,000th visit. That's pretty impressive for a guy who can't tell the difference between a schwa and an umlaut. The schwa is the former leader of Iran, right? If trends continue - read: if people keep checking in to read this drivel at the current rate - the 150,000th visit will occur sometime tomorrow. It's pretty exciting. Not as exciting as visit number 100,000, so there won't be a prize giveaway this time - maybe for visit #200,000, if I don't quit this thing by then - but it sure is a humbling achievement. Boy, am I gonna look like an ass is everyone suddenly logs off and never comes back.

Happy Birthday, Jenn The Librarian!

Today is Jenn the Librarian's birthday. You may remember Jenn as the poor soul who is stuck dating my friend, The Badger. She has to deal with his gangly features, his disgusting, smelly feet, and his obnoxious, retarded friends. That's where I (and Vinnie and Fish) come in. We like Jenn because she usually doesn't treat us like the morons that we are, but also because she has a Michelle Trachtenberg (left) look going on. Nice. Actually, and more importantly, we like Jenn because she treats The Badger like gold. So, we reward Jenn with lavish gifts - like lame blog posts in her honor - and tons of respect, not only because she makes The Badger happy, but also because she can get certain chubby hockey players autographed copies of interesting books. Heh. Happy Birthday, Jenn!

Former Pakistan PM Benazir Bhutto Assassinated

If you're in Pakistan today, be somewhere else. RAWALPINDI, Pakistan (CNN) -- Pakistan former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto has died after a suicide attack, according to media reports. Geo TV quoted her husband saying the politician had died following a bullet wound in the neck. The suicide attack left at least 14 dead and 40 injured, Tariq Azim Khan, the country's former information minister, told CNN in a telephone interview. The attacker is said to have detonated a bomb as he tried to enter the rally where thousands of people gathered to hear Bhutto speak, police said. (H/T - CNN) This is not good, and it's gonna get much worse before it gets better. The last thing America - and the world - needs is an unstable Pakistan. Fasten your seat belts, my friends. It's going to be a very bumpy ride.

Senate Shenanigans

Okay, it's enough already. WASHINGTON (CNN) -- The U.S. Senate was called to order for 11 seconds on Wednesday as the last political scuffle of the year between the White House and the Democratic-led Congress played out. Nearly all the senators left the Capitol for the Christmas holiday last week, but Democrats are keeping the Senate in session to block President Bush from making any recess appointments -- a constitutional mechanism that allows the president, during congressional recesses, to fill top government posts for up to one year without Senate confirmation. Sen. Jim Webb, D-Virginia, opened and then immediately gaveled the Senate session to a close. He spent 57 seconds in the chamber. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nevada, announced December 19 that he would keep the Senate open with a series of "pro forma" sessions through mid-January. (H/T - CNN) If you were wondering why Congress has lower approval ratings than President Bush, here it is in blue and white. Shenanigans, chicanery, and tomfoolery are running wild on the Senate floor, all because the Democrats refuse to allow the President to make recess appointments - appointments that have been made by almost every President in modern history. Seems a little juvenile to me, but what do I know? Of course, I am one of the few people in America who remember Nancy Pelosi telling us how magnanimous the Democrats would be when they came to power: "I accept this gavel in the spirit of partnership, not partisanship." Sure, Nance. Sure.

Humpday History Highlight

I actually missed this feature last week, so I apologize. I'll try to make it up with some educational info-tainment this week. Today's edition of HHH is part History Highlight and part This Day in History. Enjoy! On December 26th, Washington's Army crossed the Delaware and surprised the British at Trenton. The main attack was made by 2,400 troops under Washington on the Hessian Garrison. Washington's troops achieved total surprise and defeated the British forces. The American victory was the first of the war, and helped to restore American morale. Despite Washington's defeats in New York, he was not willing to sit idly by while the British occupied all of New Jersey. The front lines of the British were occupied by Hessian troops who held positions along the Delaware River opposite Washington's troops in Pennsylvania. On Christmas Night, Washington surprised the British by leading a group of 2400 troops across the Delaware. At the same time, James Ewing was to seize the ferry just south of the city. Despite the ice floating down the river, Washington succeeded in crossing the river and leading his men and their artillery ashore. At a few minutes before 8:00, Washington and Ewing's troops converged on Trenton. The Americans set up artillery that commanded the streets of the city. As the Hessians who had been up late celebrating Christmas took to the streets, they were struck down. The British commander, Colonel Rall, was soon killed. Within an hour, the battle was over, 22 Hessians were dead, 98 were wounded and almost a thousand were being held prisoner. Only four Americans, however, were wounded. Washington returned with his triumphant forces to Pennsylvania. The next day, Colonel Caldwater who had failed to cross the river the day before, crossed the Delaware with his troops and occupied the empty town of Burlington. Two days later, Washington followed with his men. As the year ended, Washington had 5000 men and 40 howitzers in Trenton. (H/T - American Revolution) (By the way, I also have a decent rant going on over at First In!)

Now That's A Slogan!

Somebody was suffering from a potato overdose here, I think. BOISE, Idaho — A state police academy leader has disavowed the slogan of the most recent graduating class urging one another to "go out and cause" post-traumatic stress disorder. Each class at the Idaho Police Officer Standards and Training Academy is allowed to choose a slogan that is printed on its graduation programs, and the class of 43 graduates came up with "Don't suffer from PTSD, go out and cause it." According to the Veterans Association, tens of thousands of U.S. soldiers suffer from PTSD, which causes nightmares, flashbacks and physical symptoms that make sufferers feel as if they are reliving trauma, even many years later. Crime, accidents and other trauma can cause it in civilians. Ada County Sheriff Gary Raney, who attended the Dec. 14 graduation, pointed out the slogan to the academy's director, Jeff Black, minutes before the ceremony began, Raney said. A photograph of the program was e-mailed anonymously to news outlets throughout the state. "That's not something we encourage or condone," Black said. "It shouldn't have been there. It was inappropriate." (H/T - FOXNews) Okay, so it was probably not appropriate, but it was damned funny!

A Christmas Story

So . . . did everyone survive Christmas? The last two days have been a blur of kids, tossed wrapping paper, and my mother-in-law's fabulous Guinness stew. The late nights seemed like a good idea at the time, but when you're working the day after Christmas, five in the morning comes pretty damned early. The boys had a terrific holiday. Santa brought Kyle the Playmobil Skate Park - where every skateboarder came with its own little toy cellphone - and a remote-controlled car that does wheelies in mid-race. Erik received the Little Einsteins Rocket Ship - it plays Mozart and other classical tunes - as well as the Mickey Mouse airplane. Mom scored Night at the Museum on DVD, as well as some bath gels and lotions from Bath and Body Works. As for me, the missus grabbed me Spider-man 3 on DVD and Medal of Honor: Airborne for PS3. Sweet! Even Captain America got into the act. He signed me up to cover his blog for him while he was on vacation. Of course, he told everyone I was covering for him before he actually asked me, but what the Hell. I can juggle two blogs while trying to write this week's article for FSM, right? Right?

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone has a terrific day, and make sure you remember the reason for the season!

NORAD Tracks Santa

So, we spent Christmas Eve with my brother-in-law (you all may know him here as "Fish") and his family. We went to Mass then back to his abode for Chinese food - a Christmas Eve staple in our family. After dinner, my niece Kaitlin went to check the computer. When I asked what she was doing, she did not say, "I'm reading your blog." Instead, she said she was checking out where Santa was right now. Apparently, I am one of the few parents left in America who do not know about NORAD Tracks Santa. This site is really, really cool. It tracks Santa's route in real time utilizing NORAD radar and Google Earth. His position is updated every five minutes, and even shows real "footage" of Santa flying through the different countries. When Kyle and Erik saw this, they were hooked. They were laughing and pointing, and just getting excited for the holiday. It was great to see. Of course, the first time I checked it, Santa was in Londonderry, Northern Ireland. Naturally, I had to snark, "Jeez, I hope he gets out of there in one piece." As of this posting, Santa is over Puerto Santa Cruz, Argentina. He'll be enroute to North America shortly. Thankfully, my little ones are already asleep.

A Christmas Eve Top Ten List

I couldn't leave that "Chief" atop my blog for the entire evening, so I figured I would lighten the mood with a little borrowed humor. In this case, a top ten list borrowed from David Letterman's Book of Top Ten Lists. It's appropriate for the season, though. Enjoy! Top Ten Christmas Movies In Times Square 10. Hot Buttered Elves 9. Santa's Magic Lap 8. Babes in Boyland 7. Crisco Kringle 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '08 4. Not-So-Tiny Tim 3. Santa Goes 'Roud the World 2. The Nutcracker Swede And the number one Christmas movie in Times Square is . . . 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose

A Christmas Miracle

Apparently, to make Chief in the Philadelphia Fire Department, you don't need a whole lot of experience fighting fires!!! Of course, since she's the first female fire chief, those minor details are lost on this Philadelphia Inquirer fluff piece: The highest-ranking woman in the Philadelphia Fire Department has never battled a blaze. Then again, how many firefighters studied at the London School of Economics or have a photographic memory or saved a runner's life at the Philadelphia Marathon? That "save" is complete and utter fiction. Trust me, I know the real story, but I'll expand upon that in a minute. Meet Diane Schweizer, first female chief in the history of the department, founded in 1736. "I never had an interest in being a firefighter," says Schweizer, 39, who joined the department as a paramedic in 1995. "I didn't feel a passion for it." Then riddle me this, Batman: what gives her the right to make Fire Chief ahead of many, many more deserving officers? One month into her tenure as chief of Emergency Medical Services Operations, Schweizer oversees the city's 300-plus paramedics and 45 ambulances. Meanwhile, the EMS Division came under blistering attack in a yearlong performance audit by city controller Alan Butkovitz released Thursday. The report said that EMS personnel were taking too long to arrive at accident scenes and that the department didn't have enough ambulances. Schweizer says she doesn't have permission to comment on the audit. Oh, how convenient. She's the Chief, and she can't comment on how her medic system is in shambles? Right. Schweizer, an emergency medical technician since she was a high schooler in Whippany, N.J., made an impressive medical run herself at the Philadelphia Marathon last month. After a marathoner collapsed on Kelly Drive near the Art Museum, Schweizer, on patrol there, was summoned for help by the crowd. When she got to the fallen runner, a man in his early 40s, "he was blue. Unconscious. Not breathing. No pulse," Schweizer says calmly, as though reciting a grocery list. She immediately started chest compressions as an onlooker continued mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. When the medic unit arrived a few minutes later, the man was breathing on his own. Ah, yes, the "save" story. Complete and utter bullshit. Yes, she was there when the runner collapsed, and yes she did start compressions, but another person did mouth-to-mouth until the medics arrived, and when they did, the medics saved the runner's life. This broad made the news that night, and gave no credit (or even mention) the medics that did most of the work. Way to stand up for your guys "Chief." Of course, the details on the promotion of a woman who has no firefighting experience become clear with a paragraph later in this article: That's just in the field. Higher up on the, well, ladder, "she can hold her own with the boys, no doubt about it," says Fire Commissioner Lloyd Ayers. "When issues need to be debated, she's in the debate." Sometimes the debate includes Deputy Fire Chief Bill Schweizer, 54, her husband of seven years. A 33-year department veteran, he was tagged "Fireboy" at his first firehouse because he wasn't even shaving yet. A woman with no firefighting experience - who happens to be married to a Deputy Chief - makes Chief at the age of 39? Hmm . . . Sorry, Diane, but if you think your promotion was based upon merit, you are sadly mistaken.

Romney's On The Loose!

"Somebody stop him before he kills us all!" Sounds like the ravings of a madman, doesn't it? Unfortunately, it was the ravings of The Concord [N.H.] Monitor's editorial board yesterday. Apparently, they believe that The Mitt "must be stopped." (CNN) -- In unusually stark language, the newspaper in New Hampshire's capital calls former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney "a phony" and tells its readers Sunday that he "most surely must be stopped" in next month's first-in-the-nation primary. I wonder if they wanted to finish that sentence with the phrase "with extreme prejudice?" With "an athletic build, ramrod posture, Reaganesque hair, a charismatic speaking style and a crisp dark suit" along with "a beautiful wife and family, a wildly successful business career and just enough executive government experience" Romney espouses "some old GOP bromides -- spending cuts and lower taxes -- plus some new positions for 2008: anti-immigrant rhetoric and a focus on faith," the editorial says. You mean to tell me that that son-of-a-bitch has the audacity to be good-looking, physically fit, financially successful, and qualified to be the President of the United States??? Hang him!!! The Concord Monitor editorial page is considered to be liberal. Really? You don't say? But Romney's record makes him "a disquieting figure who sure looks like the next president and most surely must be stopped," the editorial added. (H/T - CNN) Look, if The Concord Monitor wants to decry Romney for his flip-flopping - and they do, later in the editorial - I have no problem with that. The man has undergone more than a few policy "revisions." However, after reading the excerpts from the editorial, I believe that the Monitor looks pretty foolish. Re-read the second highlighted paragraph. They make Romney's case for him. Romney is a successful businessman with serious political experience; something that many candidates - from both sides of the aisle - are sorely lacking. Why would the voters not want to elect this man?

Get Me 50cc's Of Funny . . . Stat!

The world's funniest blog - A Day in the Life of an Ambulance Driver - is exactly one year old today. You can read his anniversary post HERE. The A.D. is a rare breed: terribly funny - like Jerry Seinfeld, he can not not be funny - wildly popular - close to 300,000 hits in a single year - and yet incredibly humble - he won't admit that a link from his site means a hit-a-lanche to someone else's. Basically, he's Glenn Reynolds without the tremendous ego. So, since I am nowhere near the writer that he is, I had to swipe a tribute for the momentous occasion. Just replace the name "Ned Flanders" with "Ambulance Driver." How dare you talk about Ned Flanders like that. He's a wonderful, kind, caring man -- maybe even more so than me. There have been times when I lost patience with him -- even lashed out at him! -- but this man has turned every cheek on his body. If everyone here were like Ned Flanders, there'd be no need for heaven: we'd already be there. Happy Blogiversary, A.D.!

Free Topanga!!!

Does that just scream "classic hippie mantra", or what? NEWPORT BEACH, California (AP) -- Former child star Danielle Fishel, a teen heartthrob on ABC's "Boy Meets World," was arrested this week on a drunken driving warrant from Los Angeles County, police said. Fishel was arrested Thursday just before 5 a.m. after officers stopped a car she was in, said Newport Beach Sgt. James Rocker. She was released from jail shortly after her arrest. Fishel grew up in Yorba Linda and spent more than seven years playing Topanga, the love interest of "Boy Meets World" star Ben Savage. In 2006, Fishel became the spokeswoman for NutriSystem after she announced on The Tyra Banks Show that she was so thrilled about losing 20 pounds with the diet program that she wanted to be the company's spokeswoman. (H/T - CNN) Cripes, I could lose 20 pounds, too, if I were drinking my lunches and dinners!

The Dark Knight Theatrical Trailer

The first theatrical trailer has been released for The Dark Knight, and it's not some lame teaser trailer. This is the goods, movie fans. After watching the entire 2:07 trailer, I have a few thoughts: I'm no fan of Michael Caine, but he is terrific as Alfred. This sequel will be better than Batman Begins, and that's saying something. Heath Ledger will make everyone forget about Jack Nicholson and Brokeback Mountain. Count on it. Here's the trailer . . . Jeebus, this movie is going to be so frakkin' good!

Yet Another Sign Of The Apocalypse

Did you ever wonder how an uber-liberal like Hillary Clinton was elected to the position of United States Senator? Are you constantly amazed that moonbats like Chuck Schumer and Charlie Rangel are wholeheartedly supported in the Empire State? Do you know why there are never any incidents of police brutality in upstate New York? It's because the Ithaca Police Department drives around in Volkswagen Beetles. (H/T - Kitty) For the record, this is not a joke. It is not a doctored photo. It is an actual police car currently used by the Ithaca Police Department . . . now deemed the queerest department in America.

Read All About It!

My latest article, complete with a photo of yours truly, is posted at Family Security Matters. It has a Christmas motif, just in time for Santa's midnight trek. Here's a sample: Although we are still a few days away from Christmas, there have already been reports of Christmas miracles around the world. The U.S. Navy rescued a 14-year-old girl after her appendix burst on a cruise ship. A family that had gone missing in search of a Christmas tree was found alive. And a young Iraqi amputee walked again with the help of prosthesis. Sometimes in the world of politics, Christmas miracles pop up in the strangest places . . . You can read the rest of the article HERE. Oh, did I remember to thank Pam again for the opportunity to write at FSM? Thanks, Pam!

CLEARED!!!

"It's the most wonderful time of the year . . . " Forget the G.I Joe with the Kung-fu grip. I received an even better Christmas gift yesterday . . . My physical therapist cleared me for ice hockey! I received this good news from my PT, Mike, after an hour and a half of therapy, three times a week, for three months straight. He said my strength was almost at 100%, my flexibility is off the charts, and the pain in my knee is non-existent. I have been skating for a while now, and he wants me to get back in the game a.s.a.p. This way, we can track the knee's progress after game conditions. Mike told me to go easy on the shifts, but when I am on the ice, he told me to go all out. It's the only way we can be sure if the knee can take the stress. I am still going to therapy three times a week - until Mike is confident I am at 100% - but considering he has thrown new exercises at me every week, and I have handled them all, I think I'm ready to go. Our next game is January 2, 2008, so I have two weeks to get into playing shape. Pretty soon, Vincent Antonelli and I will be going at it just like the old days. To wit . . .

Weekend Caption Contest

Greek Week Caption Contest (Source: AFP) Original Caption: A statue is pictured in front of the Parthenon on Acropolis hill in Athens. A Greek court acquitted the director of an art show on charges of obscenity and an attack on national symbols, citing freedom of expression, Greek newspapers reported Friday. Other Current Contests: Bullwinkle Blog Cowboy Blob Right Pundits Rodney Dill (I took an Honorable Mention here last week.) RT (I took 2nd Place here last week!!) Wizbang Top Ten Entries (All of them were great!): 10. Gimme head! - GroovyVic 9. He may not have much of a head on his shoulders, but he still thinks he can impress the girls in other ways. - RT 8. What do you mean he has no head. . .It's right there! - Deathlok 7. I think I dated that guy. - Daisy Dorkelina 6. It makes sense, of course, when you find out that he's dating Venus de Milo. - Gollum 5. "At least he kept the one he uses." Hillary talking about Bill's new statue. - Rodney Dill 4. What's a guy got to do to get a little head around this dump? - JimmyB 3. A troubling and heretofore unreported side effect of Viagra. - Jim - PRS 2. Ambulance Driver: "...so then my ego got so out of control my head swelled to like, this big, and then it just exploded!" - Ambulance Driver WINNER! - The statue of Philadelphia Mayor John Street was anatomically incorrect in every way; however the artist did correctly place his head up his ass. - The Man

Mars Attacked!

Well, sort of . . . LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Mars could be in for an asteroid hit. A newly discovered hunk of space rock has a 1 in 75 chance of slamming into the red planet on January 30, scientists said Thursday. "These odds are extremely unusual. We frequently work with really long odds when we track ... threatening asteroids," said Steve Chesley, an astronomer with the Near Earth Object Program at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory. The asteroid, known as 2007 WD5, was discovered in late November and is similar in size to an object that hit remote central Siberia in 1908, unleashing energy equivalent to a 15-megaton nuclear bomb and wiping out 60 million trees. (H/T - CNN) To quote Tommy from Tommy Boy: "That. Is. AWESOME!" Of course, to some of the environmentalist wackos, it is not so awesome. As of this posting, Al Gore and his band of Un-Washables are traveling to Siberia to document the effects of the 1908 asteroid strike. Reports say that the group will immediately gather data from this obvious criminal act and sponsor legislation banning all future strikes. The Gorbots have also threatened to levy fines against the Milky Way to the tune of 60 trillion dollars - the equivalent of one million dollars per precious, precious tree. Said a visibly shaken Gore, "Those bastards will pay. They will pay dearly!"

Philadelphia Priest Accused Of Stealing $900,000

Despicable. A priest who led the largest Roman Catholic high school in Philadelphia stole $900,000 and used some of it to ply a student he had molested with drugs and alcohol, prosecutors said Thursday. The Rev. Charles Newman became president of Archbishop Ryan High School in July 2002 but was fired 15 months later when questions arose about his handling of school finances. Forensic audits show he stole $331,000 from the school and more than $550,000 from his religious order, the Franciscan Friars, District Attorney Lynne Abraham said. Newman, 57, gave $54,000 to a former student, who later sued over what he described as a sexual relationship with Newman that started when he was a high school junior. The pair would meet at Newman's office or residence and often used drugs together while having sex, prosecutors said. The indictment unsealed Thursday charges Newman with six counts of felony theft and one count of felony forgery, the latter stemming from his alleged use of another friar's signature stamp on a $32,000 check. (H/T - CBS3) This story is despicable on its face, but even more so for me, because Newman taught at my Alma mater. Both my wife and I had classes with Newman while at Archbishop Ryan, and we both knew him well. Newman was the moderator of the school play while my wife was in the cast, and he was the moderator of the school newspaper while I was the editor-in-chief. Most of the students thought Newman was an above average teacher and a very decent person. Apparently, the latter was not the case. This news is like a knife in the heart. I sincerely hope Newman is brought to justice, sooner rather than later. (Captain America has some thoughts on this story HERE.)

Alycia-Mania!

Thank goodness for capitalism, eh? Apparently, folks are finally marketing cop-assaulting talking head Alycia Lane in a manner truly fitting her talents. Check this out from today's edition of The New York Post: ENTREPRENEURS are making a fast buck off the cop-slugging bust of Philadelphia anchor-babe Alycia Lane . NB2 Apparel is hawking T-shirts and hoodies with the phrase, "I'm a [bleep]ing TV Reporter, Bitch!" with 20 percent of proceeds going to the Police Athletic League. Meanwhile, CafePress.com has a line of shirts, teddy bears, dog coats, hats, bumper stickers and buttons showing Lane with a big grin on her face and the words, "Free Alycia!" (H/T - Kitty) God, I love this country!

Guilty As Sin

I know I keep harping on this story, but every time I turn around I become more and more outraged. ORANJESTAD, Aruba (CNN) -- In an Internet chat shortly after the May 30, 2005, disappearance of Natalee Holloway on Aruba, one of the three main suspects in the case said the Alabama teenager was dead, the island's chief public prosecutor told CNN on Thursday. The chat, retrieved from a computer hard disk, was among new evidence prosecutors used to justify re-arresting the three in November, Hans Mos said. Judges, however, ruled the new evidence was not enough to keep the suspects -- Joran van der Sloot and brothers Deepak and Satish Kalpoe -- behind bars. Mos' office said Tuesday they will not prosecute the three in Holloway's disappearance, effectively closing the case unless new evidence comes to light. Other chats occurring before May 30 were also found, in which the suspects discussed "picking up American girls and what they plan to do with them," Mos said. Such chats gave authorities an idea of how the suspects operated, he said. (H/T - CNN) Something just stinks about this case, and it isn't the dead fish strewn across the Aruban shoreline. In my opinion, these three men killed Natalee Holloway, and they are absolutely going to get away with it. The three never cracked under interrogation, there is little to no evidence of the crime, and Natalee's body has never - and probably will never - be found. Even with the internet chat transcripts, they walk amongst the free. And they're laughing. They're laughing at the Aruban District Attorney, they're laughing at the world, and they're laughing at Natalee's family. These three are like O.J. Simpson without the snazzy shoes. Please remember this when someone you know wants to vacation in Aruba.

John Edwards As Wyatt Earp?

Jesus, I have to change my blog name right quick. Why? Because John Edwards just took the name Wyatt Earp to new heights of gay. During an Iowa campaign stop, one Edwards supporter asked this question: “You’re going to have to be Wyatt Earp. Are you up to it?” Here is the screen shot of his queer as folk reaction: Observe the cheesy "I'm out of the closet . . . and loving it!" grin, which is only trumped by the limp-wristed gun motion. The only thing missing was Edwards' proclaiming that Wyatt was "fabulous!" It's enough to make Hugh O'Brian roll over in his grave. Here is a gander of the entire exchange. Be forewarned, you'll need the airsickness bags: (H/T - Michelle Malkin) Thank you, John Edwards, for turning the name Wyatt Earp into a laughing stock.

Ron Paul Keeps White Supremacist Donation

I guess Paul needs every dime he can muster nowadays. WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. - Republican presidential hopeful Ron Paul has received a $500 campaign donation from a white supremacist, and the Texas congressman doesn't plan to return it, an aide said Wednesday. Don Black, of West Palm Beach, recently made the donation, according to campaign filings. He runs a Web site called Stormfront with the motto, "White Pride World Wide." The site welcomes postings to the "Stormfront White Nationalist Community." "Dr. Paul stands for freedom, peace, prosperity and inalienable rights. If someone with small ideologies happens to contribute money to Ron, thinking he can influence Ron in any way, he's wasted his money," Paul spokesman Jesse Benton said. "Ron is going to take the money and try to spread the message of freedom." (H/T - Yahoo!) Does anyone else see the irony in a white supremacist named "Black?"

Santa Claus Knocked Out

Jeez, they could have just said they didn't want any presents . . . SPOKANE, Washington (AP) -- A man dressed as Santa Claus was knocked unconscious by a thrown object that hit his face while he was riding on the back of a truck decorated as a sleigh. Kevin Smith says he never saw what hit him Saturday. Whatever it was, it broke his nose and gave him a concussion and two black eyes. "One second I was up there waving to people, and the next minute I wasn't," Smith said. He was taking part in Santa Run, sponsored by the firefighters union, which features off-duty firefighters who dress up as Santa and ride through residential areas handing out candy to children. (H/T - CNN) What a bunch of lightweights. In Philly, we would have killed the guy! Curiously enough, this is exactly what triggered Robot Santa's murderous rampage.

Philly Officer Arrested After Home Invasion

Take a good look at this toad. This piece of detritus, currently being held in the Montgomery Country jail, is a Philadelphia police officer. And they say hiring practices are fine and dandy. A Philadelphia police officer is in the Montgomery County jail, charged in connection with a home invasion early Monday in Pottstown, law enforcement officials said. A second man also is jailed, while a third remains at large, said Risa Vetri Ferman, Montgomery County first assistant district attorney. Malik Snell, an 11-year veteran of the police department, was the alleged getaway driver after the home invasion turned violent, Ferman said yesterday. Ferman said Snell led Pottstown police on a chase that reached 130 m.p.h. Philadelphia police said Snell was suspended for 30 days with intent to dismiss. Snell has been a police officer since 1996, according to city payroll records. He is assigned to the 18th District in West Philadelphia. The break-in took place after midnight on Rowland Street in Pottstown, Ferman said. Snell waited in an SUV while his brother-in-law, Tyree Aimes, also of Philadelphia, and Stephon Gibson, forced their way inside the property, she said. Ferman said the men were looking to retaliate against someone they thought had stolen money from a friend of theirs who was a drug dealer. Apparently, the men picked the wrong address and broke into the apartment of a couple who were not involved, Ferman said. Aimes and Gibson beat the couple at gunpoint and fled, Ferman said. Snell and Aimes left in the SUV; Gibson was left behind, she said. (H/T - The Philadelphia Inquirer) It disgusts me that I have to work alongside people like Malik Snell. And I write "people," because the Philadelphia Police Department has hired more than its fair share of felons since I came on the job in 1994. People like this do not respect themselves, which is their problem. But they also do not respect the badge, and that's my problem. I am deeply ashamed of Malik Snell's actions. He does not represent of the majority of officers currently serving with honor within the PPD.

Putin On The Ritz

Russian President Vladimir Putin is TIME Magazine's 2007 Person of the Year. Wow, I thought for sure they would screw this up and vote for Al Gore. I really did. Apparently, common sense (of a sort) won out. No one is born with a stare like Vladimir Putin's. The Russian President's pale blue eyes are so cool, so devoid of emotion that the stare must have begun as an affect, the gesture of someone who understood that power might be achieved by the suppression of ordinary needs, like blinking. The affect is now seamless, which makes talking to the Russian President not just exhausting but often chilling. It's a gaze that says, I'm in charge. That's just swell, Vlad. You know who else had a gaze that said "I'm in charge?" Joseph Stalin. What gets Putin agitated—and he was frequently agitated during our talk—is his perception that Americans are out to interfere in Russia's affairs. He says he wants Russia and America to be partners but feels the U.S. treats Russia like the uninvited guest at a party. "We want to be a friend of America," he says. "Sometimes we get the impression that America does not need friends" but only "auxiliary subjects to command." Asked if he'd like to correct any American misconceptions about Russia, Putin leans forward and says, "I don't believe these are misconceptions. I think this is a purposeful attempt by some to create an image of Russia based on which one could influence our internal and foreign policies. This is the reason why everybody is made to believe...[Russians] are a little bit savage still or they just climbed down from the trees, you know, and probably need to have...the dirt washed out of their beards and hair." The veins on his forehead seem ready to pop. (H/T - TIME) Do you know what gets America agitated, Vlad? When a Russian President is seen being chummy with Iran, Syria, and North Korea. That really gets our goat. Call us irrational, but we wince a little when a former superpower is talking "nuclear fuel" with a nation that wants to wipe us (and Israel) off the map. But then again, maybe we're misconstruing Russia's good will and friendly nature. Ninety-odd years of Communism will do that.