The Few, The Proud, The Scumbags

I am referring, of course, to those empty-headed media jackasses who, like those on the Duke Lacrosse “rape” bandwagon, have tried, sentenced, and convicted the Marines accused of killing civilians in Haditha, Iraq. These are the same people who are referring to the incident as a “massacre” and the “willful killing of innocent civilians,” at every turn.

Michael Savage hit some terrific points the other day on his radio program, including posing the question, “Who defends the defenders?” Savage went on to state that everyone in America is innocent until proven guilty . . . unless you are a police officer or a member of the armed forces – then the opposite is true. He couldn’t be more correct. In my profession, when a cop is accused of doing something unsightly, it is always the lead story in the media. The accused’s picture is plastered all over the airwaves, and the gallows is prepared.

The same is true in this case. Far too many people are rushing to judgment before all of the facts are uncovered. What is particularly galling is that these same people were nowhere near Haditha when the alleged incident occurred. They should know better, but of course, they do not. Look, if the Marines are tried and convicted, the talking heads can do and say whatever they want. Until then, they should all drink a tall, cool glass of shut the hell up.

Evil Is Afoot!

While all of you folks were partying like it was on sale for $19.99, I was fighting evildoers. Here's the rundown:

Friday - My first job was also my only job of the day. Get this: scumbag ex-boyfriend pulls up to a bus stop at rush hour. He starts an argument with ex-girlfriend, then forces her into his minivan and takes off. While they are driving and arguing, the scumbag pulls a knife from underneath his seat, and slits ex-girlfriend in the neck, and stabs her in the shoulder. Scumbag says he is going to kill ex-girlfriend, and dump her body.

Ex-girlfriend says she loves him in an effort to make him stop. He agrees to drop her off at the hospital only after she promises not to call the police. Ex-girlfriend agrees, (read: lies) and is dropped off at the hospital. Ex-girlfriend tells the nurses what happened, and the docs call 911. Scumbag locked up.

I get the job, and have to process the crime scene, impound the vehicle, interview the victim, get a search warrant for the minivan - which, if you read Fmragtops' brilliant piece about warrants, you'll know this is a lot of work - and find the weapon, which happened to be back under the car seat, covered - like the minivan - in blood. Swell. I charged this toad with ten counts, including the obvious, attempted murder. When I asked him if he wanted to talk, he said he'd take his chances with a jury. I have a witness, photos of the victim, the knife used, and photos of his van. Good luck, jackass!

Saturday - I am assigned to the desk, which is usually a bit of a break, since the desk person doesn't get any jobs that day. Unfortunately for me, the computer was down the entire day before, so I had to log in almost 50 jobs. Swell.

Sunday - After a lame attempt to get caught up on my jobs, I get another disaster: a domestic stabbing. Scumbag woman is arguing with another woman inside their apartment complex. Scumbag decides a beer bottle is in order, so she breaks it . . . across the other woman's arm. Not satisfied, scumbag takes the broken bottle and slices the woman across the other arm. Scumbag is arrested, and when I ask her if she wants an interview, she tells me to get lucky with myself. Lovely.

Get 'Em While They're Hot!

Did you ever think that you were wasting your life? I think about it about 23 1/2 hours a day. Louie The Lock, however, does not. He and his lovely wife Patty (sorry, Patrice - that's more, um, entrepreneurial) are about to open up their own Philly Soft Pretzel franchise.

A soft pretzel franchise in Philly? Yeah, that will garner a buck or two.

The couple is looking to open their Levittown, PA store by the end of the month. Meanwhile, I am looking for pictures of Nikki Cox to put on my blog. Something's not right here. Any hoo, if any of my loyal readers are in the Levittown area (it's just north of Philadelphia), stop in and help out my friends' small business. I can't eat all of those pretzels by myself.

On second thought . . .

Dudley Do Right Strikes Back

And we all thought Canada was worthless . . .

"TORONTO - Canadian authorities said Saturday they had foiled plans for terrorist attacks in southern Ontario with the arrests of 17 people who were "inspired by al-Qaida."

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police said they had arrested 12 male adults and five youths on terrorism-related charges, including plotting attacks with explosives on Canadian targets. The suspects were either citizens or residents of Canada and had trained together, they said."

Mountie spokesperson Cam Cameron gave SYLG an exclusive sound bite:

"This arrest is the result of the tireless efforts of the RCMP. Our men were going aboot their daily routine, checking Molson Ice for "quality control," when we literally stumbled across this terror cell. Now, that's what I'm talking aboot!"

(I'll try and ignore the fact that this AP writer misspelled al Qaeda.)

Warning Shots

Here's a story that many will find depressing: Thursday, June 1, would have been Marilyn Monroe's 80th birthday! I shudder to think what Norma Jean would have looked like.

"[Iraq's] Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki upbraided the U.S. military over Haditha, which he called 'a horrible crime,' and accused U.S. troops of habitually attacking unarmed civilians." (AP) Um, you're welcome for your freedom, Mr. Prime Minister.

"Sen. Edward Kennedy on Friday declared his vote against the Iraq war the best he has cast since being elected in 1962." The runner-up was his vote to leave Mary Jo Kopechne to die.

"U.S. soldiers need to begin leaving Iraq this year and the fledgling Iraqi government must take on more responsibility, a Vermont state senator said in the Democratic response to President Bush's weekly radio address. 'We must ensure that 2006 is a year of significant transition to full Iraqi sovereignty,' Peter Welch said in remarks taped Friday." I have a better pullout idea, Mr. Welch. It involves a time machine and your parents.

People I Hate

No preamble. Just bile. Bon apetit.

The Outdoor Life Network (OLN)

Okay, I didn't complain too much when OLN scored the NHL's television contract. I only knew the station existed because they have exclusive rights to the Tour de France, but I figured even they couldn't screw up hockey all that much.

I was wrong.

Picture this little scenario: it's Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals. The winner will face the Edmonton Oilers for the Stanley Cup championship. Thousands of Philadelphia area hockey fans are watching the game unfold on OLN.

And then it happens.

A bolt of lightning strikes a satellite station in Delaware - the home of tax-free shopping . . . and little else - resulting in the entire OLN feed to be blacked out in the tri-state area in the middle of the second period. DURING GAME SEVEN!!! Um, guys, wouldn't it be prudent to have a backup plan during a GAME SEVEN??? Didn't you realize that hockey fans would riot after seeing only half of GAME SEVEN??? Idiots.

Luckily, OLN will still draw fans for Professional Bull Riding and the Tour de France. What's that? Lance isn't riding this year? Oh, never mind.

Katie Couric

Okay, Katie is cute in a perky cheerleader/Satanist kinda way, but the second she offers an opinion, most of us tune out. To wit:

LAS VEGAS (Hollywood Reporter) - Katie Couric hopes to bring a "humanistic, more accessible" approach to her job when she takes over as anchor and managing editor at "CBS Evening News" in September, she said Thursday.
More accessible? Cool. So, I can stop by and have a beer with you at your lovely home?

Addressing the annual convention of CBS affiliates, Couric predicted that the "pretentious era" of the evening-news anchor is going to be a thing of the past.

Yeah. Good luck with that. Dope.

I'm Late! I'm Late!!!

And it has nothing to do with my "cycle." I got to posting late today because I had the job to end all jobs. I'll post about it in a few, and I'll also scare up another edition of PIH. Sorry for the delay.

In the meantime, check out this article Rachel sent me. Commence the wiseass comments . . . NOW!

Area sheriff's deputy named world champ doughnut eater

ELKHORN-Three minutes. Thirteen doughnuts.

Think you could chow down that many morning morsels in that little time? Walworth County Jail Training Sgt. Howard Sawyers didn't think he could, either, but he did. In doing so, he earned the title of world champion doughnut-eating cop.

"The secret for eating doughnuts is dunking them in water," said Sawyers, who finished third in the competition last year. "You do a semi-circle of water cups half to three-quarters full. You rip 'em, you dunk them and you shove. And you do that as fast as you can for three minutes."

Check out the rest of the article here.

This Guy Scores Like Grimjack!

In Arkansas for a children's golf clinic, Tiger Woods was asked about playing golf with former President Bill Clinton.
"Interesting math," Woods said, drawing a laugh before telling a story about a round the two played in February before the opening of the Tiger Woods Learning Center in Anaheim, Calif. Woods described a hole on the back nine.

"President Clinton rolls one in the bushes, then hits another one off the tee ... right in the middle of the fairway, hits a nice little wedge shot up there to about, I don't know, 6-7 feet. "I hit a bad pitch, I blasted it by about 12 feet. ... Then all of the sudden, he does one of these," Woods said, gesturing like a player picking up his ball.

"It was 6-7 feet and he walked off the green. ... So I'm sitting in the cart. He's writing down the numbers, I happen to kind of ..." Woods said, leaning back as if reading a scorecard over someone's shoulder.

"Woods 4, Clinton 3."

Look, I play enough golf to know that there's a reason golf pencils don't have erasers. It's because the purists of the game know that cheaters are shunned. When I shoot a 114 (like at HHGR), it's a true 114. Likewise, the only time I ever broke 100, I did it legitimately. From this story, if Clinton made the 6-7 foot putt - which I doubt - he is looking at a five. The temerity of this guy to claim a three. Despicable.

(H/T - Newsmax)

More On The "Moore-on"

A double-amputee veteran of the Iraq war is suing filmmaker Michael Moore for $85 million, claiming Moore used an old interview with the G.I. to make him appear anti-war in his movie "Fahrenheit 9/11."

Hold on a second, Sergeant! How dare you soil the good name of America's resident genius of the documentary!

Sgt. Peter Damon, 33, who strongly supports America's invasion of Iraq, said he never agreed to be in the 2004 movie. Damon lost his arms when a Black Hawk helicopter exploded in front of him. In the 2003 interview, which he did at Walter Reed Army Hospital for NBC News, he discussed only a new painkiller the military was using on wounded veterans, the New York Post reports.

Unbelievable. As if Michael Moore would lie and fabricate "facts" to support his position. See? You just can't trust the military. This guy is probably faking his amputations, too.

(H/T - Newsmax)

Birthday Girl

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that today is Partner #1's birthday. I have known her since she came on the job, and we were partners on the dreaded wagon for a while in my past district. There's not a woman in the department that can match her toughness, and she even scares some of the men. I trust her with my life.

Of course, when you think tough women cops, you think of East German shot putters. Thankfully, for the guys, she has a Kirsten Dunst thing going on. Thankfully, for me, I have a marriage thing going on. (Gotta write that in case the wife is reading. Heh.) Happy Birthday, D!
D is a dead ringer for Dunst in this picture.