Weekend Caption Contest

Phone-y Caption Contest
(Source: AFP)

Other Current Contests:
Bullwinkle Blog (I took 3rd Place here last week!)
Cowboy Blob
Gone Rick Motel
Right Pundits
Rodney Dill (I took an Honorable Mention here last week.)
RT (I took 4th Place here last week.)
WILLisms
Wizbang

Animated Entries:
Cowboy Blob (This is brilliant, by the way!)

Top Ten Entries:
10. This picture was taken just as a participant in a retro-style break-dancing contest dislocated every major joint in his body while trying to slide into a head-spin move... - Tom
9. I am not retarded, Danny!!! - Dennis
8. Jim was a shoo-in to win the Best Cowardly Lion Impression Contest. - JimmyB
7. After hurling the discus in the 2007 Elton John Silly Olympics, Chauncey Uppercrust feels the bean burrito he had for lunch kick in with a vengeance!!!!!!!! - Uncle Ray
6. Sadly, no one was impressed with Andrew's recollections of his days spent on the set of Michael Jackson's 'Thriller'. - Murphy
5. The White House's Health and Fitness Initiative Press Conference was going well until Al Gore broke out Richard Simmons' Sweating to the Oldies. - Scully
4. Wyatt wins the Lambda Lambda Lambda javelin toss. - Rodney Dill
3. Nigel B. Wellington won the T-rex roar event, mostly due to him scaring away the competition. - DragonLady
2. The Annual Cerebral Palsy Softball Tournament Began today. . . . - Deathlok

WINNER! - Cowboy Blob's Animation

The Reason I Bought A PS3

Oh my God! Oh my God!! Oh. My. GOD!!!

The release of Medal of Honor: Airborne is only days away.
I may have to take the day off from work to stand in line for this!

Ten Years Later: I Still Don't Get It

Editor's Note: I am about to piss off a lot of you. Um . . . sorry?

LONDON - Princess Diana's family solemnly marked the 10th anniversary of her death Friday, with her younger son eulogizing her as "the best mother in the world."

The bishop of London used his sermon at a memorial service to call for an end to the sniping between Diana's fans and detractors, and a priest who has led an annual remembrance said it may now be time to let go.

Friday was a day for broadcasting video snippets of her wedding and funeral, for rehashing the rights and wrongs of her failed marriage.

It was one more day for dredging up questions about how Diana came to die in a car crash in Paris with her boyfriend, Dodi Fayed, and for the Daily Telegraph to publish an essay explaining "why we were right to weep for Diana." (H/T - Yahoo!)

Can someone please tell me what's the big deal about Princess Diana? Did she cure cancer? Did she stop a war? Did she solve Rubik's Cube in under a minute? Accomplishments like these would explain such rabid hero worship.

Unfortunately, she never really did anything Earth-shattering. She was a princess, kids! Friggin' royalty. And if you think she would cross the street to spit upon you, you are in complete denial. Sure, everyone mentions how polite she was, and how accessible she was, but most of the time that was done in front of the cameras or the press. Does anyone truly believe that Diana would just walk the streets of London and talk with the "commoners?" Please.

I respect the fact that she was involved in charity work with AIDS patients. I respect the fact that she was involved in land mine disposal efforts. But I am also a realist. A princess needs to become involved in charity work these days, whether they like it or not.

The fact of the matter is that Diana was a very beautiful, popular woman who died in a very tragic manner. As a result, she has been elevated to iconic status, much like a Marilyn Monroe or a James Dean. She's not a hero; she's a femme fatale.

I just don't get it.

Royale With Cheese

Being a film buff, I have an extensive collection of movies in my Fortress of Solitude (read: my basement). Unfortunately, when you have crumb crunchers running around all day and night, it's difficult to partake in a screening. Thus, I still have a few DVDs that I purchased sight unseen, because a friend recommended it. One of these is Casino Royale: the latest installment in the James Bond franchise.

The film stars Daniel Craig in the title role, and the luscious Eva Green (left). British accent = extra yummy! The film is a much needed remake of the original, which sucked arse even by 1960's standards.

Don't worry, this film did not follow its predecessor's footsteps.

Casino Royale follows Bond on his first mission, tracking a key bankroller for known terrorists. The adversaries meet in a high stakes poker match at, go figure, Casino Royale. Interspersed between rounds are several terrific action scenes, and (even better) several wardrobe changes for Ms. Green. Just when you think the film is at an end, it isn't, and when you think it cannot be, it is. In some ways, it gives off the essence of a Quentin Tarantino masterpiece.

What you will not find in Casino Royale is the usual bad puns and wacky government lackey. This is a serious (and sometimes violent) film that is not for everyone, and that is exactly what this tired series has needed for a while. Perhaps that is why it did so well at the box office.

Overall, I would say Casino Royale makes my top three Bond films ever, the other two being Goldfinger (The gold standard. Pun intended.) and Goldeneye.

Oh, and since I usually disappoint my female readers in the photo department, here's a picture of the film's hero. Enjoy!

Possibly The Funniest Video Ever

I dare you to watch this clip and not laugh.

(H/T - RT)

People I Hate

It's another lovely Thursday in Philadelphia, And while the Philly Police Department is mopping up the blood of another homicide scene, I figured we should christen this week's edition of PIH.

Senator Larry Craig (R - ID)

Wow, it this guy a tool of the highest order, or what? Craig responded to his bathroom-related disorderly conduct arrest this week by saying - get this - he did nothing "inappropriate." He's right. I mean, who among us can honestly say they never entered a public bathroom, made suggestive gestures to the person in the next stall, and were then arrested for disorderly conduct?

Craig's blue eyes were clearly visible through the crack in the door, Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport police Sgt. Dave Karsnia wrote in the report he filed.

"Craig would look down at his hands, 'fidget' with his fingers, and then look through the crack into my stall again," Karsnia wrote in documents accompanying the arrest report. Craig said the officer misinterpreted his actions.

After he was taken for questioning, the police report says, Craig pulled out a Senate business card and asked the officer: "What do you think of that?" (H/T - CNN)

Would you like to know what I think, Senator? I think that you are a piece of garbage who tried to bully your way out of a compromising position. I think you are a sexual deviant; not because you are gay - and don't insult us by saying that you are not - but because you would use a public bathroom as your own personal boudoir. You sir, sicken me, and I am ashamed that you represent the state of Idaho, my political party, and the United States of America.

Major League Baseball

Yeah, I am impugning an entire organization. First, the entire league looks the other way when Barry "Roids" Bonds breaks Hank Aaron's home run record, and now this nonsense:

NEW YORK - Major League Baseball's style police were patrolling Yankee Stadium, and Red Sox manager Terry Francona was pulled over.

During the second inning of Wednesday night's game against the New York Yankees, Francona was called out of the dugout so an MLB security official could make sure he was wearing his uniform top under his usual pullover jacket. (H/T - Yahoo! Sports)

Can you imagine? And they did the uniform check in the middle of the game! Does anyone remember when baseball was so beloved that it was deemed "The National Pastime?"

Me neither.

PA State Senator Vince Fumo (D)

When you get the chance, ask RT how she feels about this toad. Fumo's corruption trial is scheduled for February. In the meantime, he maintains his innocence, and refuses to step down. Typical of dirty politicians.

A federal judge ruled yesterday that State Sen. Vincent J. Fumo, who faces 139 charges of federal fraud and obstruction of justice, can keep Richard A. Sprague as his lawyer.

139 charges. Are you kidding me? And yet, Fumo still refuses to resign.

Fumo has said that he is innocent and that the indictment is politically inspired by Republicans at the Justice Department. He resigned from several key government posts after his indictment but remains one of the state's most influential senators. (H/T - The Philadelphia Inquirer)

He's right! It's that damned Karl Rove again, out to besmirch another squeaky clean politician! Is anyone else tired of this argument? This is the same thing Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, and Jesse Jackson claimed about the Philly City Hall wiretap "scandal." "It was a conspiracy by George Bush," they said, and America's worst mayor, John Street, rode the wave of pity to re-election.

By the way, a federal appeals court just upheld the sentences of Street's corrupt cohorts, who were arrested immediately after the wiretaps were set up.

Dangerous Iraq Chemicals Found Stored At U.N.

"Iraq chemicals?" Oh, this must be a typo, right? Iraq never had chemical warfare agents! John Kerry and Hillary Clinton told me so!

UNITED NATIONS (Reuters) - The United Nations found vials of a chemical warfare agent, which had been removed from Iraq a decade ago, in a U.N. building near the body's headquarters in New York but officials said on Thursday there was no danger.

The FBI was called in to remove the substances, which were discovered last Friday and included phosgene, an older generation chemical warfare agent, taken in 1996 by inspectors from a former Iraqi chemical weapons plant at Al Muthanna, the inspectors said in a statement.

Phosgene was used extensively during World War I as a choking agent, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Okay class, it's quiz time. Read this question and circle the appropriate answer:

Finding decade-old Iraq chemical warfare agents inside the U.N. proves:

1. The United Nations is still a joke, and about as secure as a Ring Ding in Kirstie Alley's pantry.
2. Iraq was aggressively pursuing a chemical warfare program, even though the Democrats said they were not.
3. Nothing. Karl Rove planted the chemicals inside the U.N. building.
   

The Most Obvious Survey Ever Conducted

"Boyfriends Do More Housework Than Husbands"

No Shiite.

Married men do less housework than live-in boyfriends, finds an international survey.

Regardless of the couples' relative earnings or work hours, cohabiting males reported more household hours than did their married counterparts, while the opposite was true for women, with wives picking up the broom less often than live-in girlfriends. (H/T - Yahoo!)

If taxpayer money was used for this survey, I swear to God I'm going postal!

But, since "scientists" and poll-takers (heh, heh, "poll") will continue to justify their existence by producing meaningless surveys, I figure I should save them some time:

• Married people have a lot less sex than singles.
• Singles are more concerned with their appearance than married couples.
• August in Arizona is hot.
  
• "Popular, Funny Philadelphia Detective/Blogger" is an oxymoron.

See that, Mr. Wizard? I just did your job for you.

Uncommon Valor

I don't want to depress anyone, but I saw this today at YouTube: the best scene from Black Hawk Down.

Arguably the bravest soldiers in American history, Randy Shughart and Gary Gordon received the Congressional Medal of Honor posthumously for their actions in Somalia.

This Date In History

How did Captain America miss this?

1885: First Motorcycle Patented.

The world's first motorcycle, made by Gottlieb Daimler, was patented on this day. The two-wheeled vehicle gained immense popularity after 1910, when it was used heavily by all branches of the armed forces during World War I. The motorcycle's popularity lagged during the Great Depression, but came back with a vengeance after World War II and remains popular today. Often associated with a rebellious image, the vehicle is often used for high-speed touring and sport competitions. (H/T - History.com)

And, of course, what good is a motorcycle post without a babe?

This Deserves A Nobel Prize

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Jet Powered Beer Cooler!

Somewhere, a bunch of saps are looking for the cures to cancer and AIDS, when they should be focusing on a much more important problem: how to keep your beer cold while it sits in your shed! Here's a snippet from the site:

Unfortunately that small quantity of ice would not keep multiple beers cold during the course of a day in the shed. And no, you cannot, not under any circumstances, put ice into the beer. No!

It was obvious I had to come up with a better solution to the problem.

I knew from some long forgotten physics lecture that when a liquid expands into a gas it will draw heat from its surroundings. And I happened to have a source of a suitable liquid right in my shed in the form of a LPG cylinder (liquid petroleum gas). Obviously it would not do to evaporate vast quantities of a flammable gas into the closed confines of my garage. That would probably be dangerous. What I needed was a way to remove the dangerous gas. The solution was obvious. The gas is flammable so why not burn it. Burning the gas with a normal burner would not use up the gas fast enough to give me any serious cooling. What I needed was a way to use up a lot of fuel very, very quickly.

What I needed was a jet engine!

Vinnie Antonelli, The Badger, and I are so building one of these for Man's Weekend. Oh, and the best part? He built this beer cooler for his stash of Guinness! (H/T - Sean)

The C-Word Of The Decade Award

Rosie O'Donnell, Cindy Sheehan, and Hillary Clinton have nothing on this piece of garbage . . .

NEW YORK - Leona Helmsley's dog will continue to live an opulent life, and then be buried alongside her in a mausoleum. But two of Helmsley's grandchildren got nothing from the late luxury hotelier and real estate billionaire's estate.

Helmsley left her beloved white Maltese, named Trouble, a $12 million trust fund, according to her will, which was made public Tuesday in surrogate court. (H/T - Yahoo!)

That rat-dog of hers gets $12 million, and two of her grandchildren don't get diddly. Wow.

Imagine for a minute you are one of Helmsley's grandchildren. All your life you had to suffer this bitter, despicable fool in the hopes that one day she will die a very painful death. Something akin to choking on her dog's fur, while the dog stares at her in amusement. Then, when that magical day finally arrives, you find out that she gave you the shaft from beyond the grave.

If I were one of the aggrieved grandchildren, I'd be hiring Kramer and Newman to set up an "unfortunate accident" for that mutt. But that's just me. I'm evil, and I'm going to Hell. Unfortunately, it seems I'll be bunking with Helmsley when I get there. Damn.

Congratulations, Leona. Even in death you have proven to be a C-word of the highest order.

Pimpus Maximus

Hot damn, it's been a pretty good two weeks!

First, the all-powerful and all-knowing Ambulance Driver not only added me to his blogroll, but also linked this mediocre little blog, adding, "If you guys have never visited SYLG, make with the clicky and give him a read. He's goooood."

Then, this weekend, the lovely and talented ALa from Blonde Sagacity mentioned my Janeane Garofalo post and my baseball marriage proposal atrocity.

And then today, Bitter from The Bitch Girls was kind enough to link my post about that darned Dizz.

What do these three bloggers have in common? Well, first of all, they are about a thousand times more talented than I ever will be. Secondly, they have personal hygiene that is above approach. Thirdly, they all get an insane amount of hits every day. (All deserved.) And finally, their links have propelled SYLG's Site Meter into the stratosphere. As of 11:30pm on Tuesday, 8/28, this insipid little blog was topping 335 hits for the day!

So, why am I telling you all this? Well, partly because I keep pulling a Peter Griffin - "He, he, he, he, he, he, he" - and partly because I want to use my good fortune for good rather than evil.

What? I can change!

Any hoo, there are a lot of great blogs out there that don't get the attention they truly deserve, and I wanted to let y'all know what you may have been missing. Besides, what good is a pimp if he doesn't utilize an opportunity?

• Captain America has an excellent rant about NYC's fatal Deutsch Bank fire and the resulting maelstrom within the FDNY's ranks.
• Deathlok gives us the most difficult animated quiz . . . ever! Get these right and you'll receive your Gen X Gold Card.
• Miriam needs some blogging expertise. And since I'm an idiot . . .
  
• RT breaks out the Mad Libs. Man, it's just raining retro around the blogosphere!
• And finally, Big White Hat shows us why he's a terrific football coach . . . and an even better human being.
  

Thank you for checking out my friends' links, and, as always, thank you for stopping by and reading my nonsense.

Has The Whole World Gone Gay?

First Prison Break's Wentworth Miller (allegedly) and now this?

(AP) WEST CHESTER, Pa. A tow truck driver accused of drugging and sexually assaulting several men testified that he had sex or other intimate encounters with his accusers, but he said the activities were consensual and denied having drugged them.

Mark Ethan McFall is accused of giving out medication and then molesting the unconscious or groggy men, often recording his acts. He is charged with rape, involuntary deviate sexual intercourse, sexual assault, unauthorized administration of an intoxicant and related counts. (H/T - KYW)

What. The. HELL?!! Picture this little scenario: your vehicle breaks down, so you call for a tow truck. The next thing you know, you're drugged and your arse is "getting the hook?"

I would offer my usual "Town needs an enema" quote, but with stories like these . . .

She's Wonder-ful

My good friend Vincent Antonelli made a comment on the Celebrity Love Match post about his love (or lust) of Lynda Carter. He then followed that up with, "I'd make her wear the Wonder Woman outfit every freakin day."

Well, occasionally I take requests, so this is dedicated to my pal, Vinnie . . .

Of course, Vinnie would probably prefer the below image. That way, she couldn't get away from him. Heh.

Iran To Fill Iraqi "Power Vacuum"

"President Tom" continues his nonsense and tomfoolery. And what is America doing about it? Not a damned thing:

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad warned Tuesday that a power vacuum is imminent in Iraq and said that Iran was ready to help fill the gap.

"The political power of the occupiers is collapsing rapidly," Ahmadinejad said at a press conference in Tehran, referring to U.S. troops in Iraq. "Soon, we will see a huge power vacuum in the region. Of course, we are prepared to fill the gap, with the help of neighbors and regional friends like Saudi Arabia, and with the help of the Iraqi nation." (H/T - Drudge)

I have two immediate thoughts about this story. First, does it surprise you that Ahmadinejad included Saudi Arabia in his grand power grab? How many times do I have to tell you? SAUDI ARABIA IS NOT OUR ALLY! And secondly, will someone - anyone - please tell me who will adequately deal with Iran after the '08 election? Hillary Clinton? Barack Obama, The Breck Girl? John McCain? Who? I don't see any candidate with a Reagan Backbone on the list, and that is exactly Iran sees, as well.

President Bush, or someone in Washington D.C., needs to break out their Ronald Reagan impersonation, right quick: "My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws [Iran] forever. The bombing begins in five minutes."

Ironically, He Stars In A Prison Show

Someone check on Little Miss Chatterbox and see if she's okay. Apparently, after seeing this story, she may have passed out:

Is Wentworth Miller finally coming out of the closet?????

The Prison Break star has made his first public appearance with boyfriend Luke McFarlane, T.R. Knight’s ex.

PerezHilton.com was the first to report on Went and Luke’s relationship…back in June! (H/T - Randal Graves)

Wow. So many obnoxious questions . . . let's ask a few:

• Do you think Wentworth purposely drops the soap at the wrong time to force a re-take?
• Does Wentworth have input in wardrobe, and if so, does he get flustered is his clothes clash?
• Will Wentworth replace Prison Break's soundtrack with The Collective Hits of Judy Garland?
  

Yeah, I know. I'm going to Hell.

A Note Of Thanks

On Thursday, I begged you all to say a prayer for my Uncle Joe. He was scheduled for a quadruple bypass operation tomorrow, and we were all a little worried. The procedure was moved up to yesterday afternoon. The surgeons went in and completed the quadruple bypass, but they found another blockage. According to my Uncle Ray, it was almost like performing a quintuple bypass, because the arteries were so clogged.

Thankfully, Uncle Joe made it through relatively okay, and his heart started back up almost immediately. He was scheduled to be under anesthesia until 11pm last night, but it appears the worst is over. He's not completely out of the woods, but we're optimistic about his recovery.

Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes. It means the world to me.

Rubbin's Racin'

Heh, heh, he said "Rubbin'."

Maybe I should have created a fantasy league that didn't last 36 weeks? Oh well, spilled milk. After Week 24, it is apparent that two teams dropped out of the league (Far Fig Newtons and Hillbilly Horsepower) and one team (Carl Edwards is Hot) is losing interest. Otherwise, the league's standings are tighter than a virgin on prom night.

Wow, that lacked class. Sorry, folks.

Only 378 points separate first place (The Godfather) from fifth (Cookeville Engineers), and Uncle Ray (Vishnu Varheer) would be closer if he started his lineup this week. He forgot, and scored a total of 6 points. Ouch. That opened the door for RT (Jet Fuel Special), and she's all over Ray like Michael Moore on a Baby Ruth.

In the interim, Randal Graves, Phoenix Racing, and I (The Intimidators) are only 267 points apart. Nice! Rachel (Phoenix Racing) had the most points this week, after an impressive 325 point run - 63 points better than Cookeville's performance.

Next week, the drivers head to California. Don't forget to put in your drivers' kids!

Gentlemen, Trust Me, Do Not Read This Post!

Guys, if you ever find yourself in Oklahoma, for the love of God, do not miss Mass!

OKLAHOMA CITY, Okla. -- Aggravated assault charges have been filed against a church deacon and University of Oklahoma Sooners fan after officials say he grabbed a University of Texas fan between the legs during a scuffle in an Oklahoma bar.

Okay, so it was a fight amongst rival college football fans. So what?

A couple of months before the annual Red River Shootout between the Sooners and Longhorns, words were exchanged at Henry Hudson's Pub between Allen Beckett, 53, and Brian Thomas. Witnesses said it was because Thomas was wearing a UT T-shirt.

Big deal. We throw batteries at people who wear Dallas Cowboys jerseys to Eagles games. It's all in good fun. (Snarkasm.)

Neither Thomas or Beckett chose to comment, but the police report described what happened to the victim, including graphic details about his injuries that included a torn scrotal sack with partially exposed testicles.

WHOA!!! WHOA!!! WHAT THE HELL??? WHAT THE HELL???

Beckett's attorney, Billy Bock, said his client's actions were in self-defense. (H/T - NBC5i.com)

Self-defense? Self-defense?? Are you kidding me??? There is NO defense for kicking a man in the won tons, let alone ripping them out of their warm, comfy satchel. It's part of The Code! The man could have murdered your entire family, shot all of your friends, and burned your house down, and you still have no right to approach his "tender area." It's not right, and it's giving me the heebee-jeebies just thinking about it.

In my professional opinion, Deacon Beckett deserves the worst punishment imaginable: having his jimmies torn out by one of Michael Vick's dogs.

In honor of this horrific and disturbing story - and since the guys didn't listen to me and read the post anyway - I'll leave you this . . .

By the way, if the Family Guy clip doesn't come up, it's not my fault: You Tube has been really slow today.

(Linked to OTB's Beltway Traffic Jam.)

Speaking Of Soccer . . .

Arguably the best female soccer player ever is now a Hall of Famer.

ONEONTA, N.Y. (AP) -- Mia Hamm knows it's more than merchandise and marketing. She regards it as an honor.

"There's not a more humbling experience to walk into a stadium and to see so many girls wearing your jersey," the soccer great said. "I am so proud of that and I hope you can see that every time I took the field."

Hamm spoke Sunday before a record crowd of 4,800, many of them youngsters, at the National Soccer Hall of Fame. Hamm entered the shrine with Julie Foudy. The two were the bedrock of the U.S. team that won two World Cups and two Olympic gold medals from 1991 to 2004. (H/T - Yahoo! Sports)

I don't have anything to add. I just wanted to post a picture of that uber-hottie Mia.

Forget The Barber, Get Him The Doctor Of Seville!

Aren't soccer players supposed to be in tip-top shape?

SEVILLE, Spain (Ticker) - Sevilla wing-back Antonio Puerta is sedated and in intensive care after collapsing during Saturday's Primera Liga game against Getafe.

The 22-year-old was able to walk from the pitch at the Ramon Sanchez Pizjuan after being attended by medical staff who prevented him from swallowing his tongue.

He collapsed again in the changing rooms and was given cardiac resuscitation before being taken to hospital.

"The patient, Antonio Puerta, continues to be in the intensive care unit under sedation, connected to a ventilating machine and with hemodynamic instability," according to the latest report, issued by the Hospital Virgen del Rocio on Sunday. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Hopefully, Puerta will make a full recovery, but in the meantime, I have decided to gain more weight, never exercise, and start smoking!

Score!!!

More Fun Quizzes at QuizPox.com
(H/T - Cowboy Blob)

Mos Def, Dumb, And Blind

When I am elected President, my first order of business would be to sterilize all of the people who defend cop killers and terrorists. Why? Because people who think like this should not be allowed to procreate:

Although a jury last week convicted Jose Padilla of supporting terrorism, rapper-actor Mos Def thinks that Padilla may not have gotten the due process the criminal justice system promises.

"(It's) the climate that we live in, people's rights and liberties being taken advantage of the whole situation with Jose Padilla," he said. "Basically the state being able to just charge any individual with anything and prosecute them on the basis of that."

Mos Def is hoping to draw attention to what he sees as inequities in the United States' criminal justice system this weekend with the 10th annual "Black August" benefit concert at The Nokia Theater in New York City. Other performers include socially minded rappers such as Talib Kweli and Dead Prez, and rapper Saigon.

Organized by The Malcolm X Grassroots Movement, "Black August" was organized to create awareness about the cases of people that the organization believes has been unfairly convicted, such as Assata Shakur, whose image is included on the concert flyer.

Shakur, a member of the Black Liberation Army, escaped prison in 1979 after being convicted of killing a New Jersey state trooper and lives in Cuba as a fugitive.

The Malcolm X Grassroots Movement, in addition to defending human rights, lists in its mission a commitment to protecting its people against police brutality and racial profiling. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Isn't it fitting that the poster boy for this benefit is a convicted cop killer? It's right out of the rappers' play book. And doesn't it strike anyone as odd that "Shakur" escaped from prison and fled to Cuba? Not exactly the actions of an innocent man.

Frankly, I am getting sick and tired of the usual overplayed cries of police brutality and racial profiling from convicted cop killers, terrorists, and their ever-present supporters.

Obama-Rama!

Wow, that Barack Obama is really "The Man with the Plan!" I wish I could vote for him today!

KEY BISCAYNE, Fla. - Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama often says he will be a candidate that will bring both parties together and Saturday he named a few of the Republicans he would reach out to if elected.

Oh, isn't that swell of him. He is going to bring both parties together by reaching out to a few Republicans? We're lucky to have a candidate like Barack Hussein Obama here to represent America's interests.

"There are some very capable Republicans who I have a great deal of respect for," Obama said in an interview with The Associated Press. "The opportunities are there to create a more effective relationship between parties."

"[S]ome very capable Republicans?" Because the rest of them are friggin' morons, right Barack? Just when you thought Hillary Clinton and John Edwards couldn't be more condescending, enter Obama!

Among the Republicans he would seek help from are Sens. Richard Lugar of Indiana, John Warner of Virginia and Tom Coburn of Oklahoma, Obama said. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Figures. Obama's list of "capable" Republicans he is willing to work with include more RINO's than the San Diego Zoo. Set your phasers to "stunned."

At this point, I just want this election over. Who's with me?

The Trip To Nowhere

Last Friday, Captain America called and said he had planned a terrific road trip. Apparently, there is a beer distributor in Exton, Pa, that carries a multitude of hard-to-find imported beer. Thus, the Captain saw his chance to wrangle up some Hefeweizen from the Old Country. Since we were both off, I figured, "What the Hell?"

That was my first mistake.

The Captain walked down to Casa de Earp with the directions and "allowed" me to drive. For some reason, my Saturn is a wuss car - except when it is taking his lazy ass somewhere, which is 99% of the time. Anyway, I took a gander at the directions he printed from MapQuest.

That was my second mistake.

You see, the Cap doesn't take advice, especially if it behooves him to do so. The night before, I told him that MapQuest blows goats. (I apologize if any of my readers work for MapQuest, but if you do, you already know that your service blows goats.) Almost every single time I have plucked directions from MQ, I have gotten lost. It can't always be me! I recommended he get the directions from Yahoo!, but he ignored me. I took a gander at the directions and noticed something seriously wrong:

He inverted our destination and our starting point. Basically, we had to take this trip - to a beer distributor we have never visited - by reading the directions backwards!

When I pointed out this minor foible, the Captain defended himself with multiple "Dudes!" and sarcastic cracks at my driving skills. Apparently, since I am a detective, I should be able to read and understand these directions like Mr. Rand McNally. We trudged onward.

And then we hit the Schuylkill. The "Sure Kill" Expressway is bumper-to-bumper at 3am on a weekend. It is undoubtedly the nation's worst highway. When we approached it at lunchtime on a Friday, we immediately knew the obvious: our trip was just extended by a half hour. Thank you, MapQuest! Of course, it didn't help when the Captain mocked, "Dude, we could have avoided all of this if we took the PA Turnpike."

Urge to kill rising!

When we were approaching the expressway exit, the Captain's sister called. Since he was my navigator, I figured he would ignore the call, or tell her he had to call her back. No dice. Not only did he take the call, but he also threw the directions (literally) at me while I was driving, saying, "Dude, the exit is coming up soon." And away he gabbed.

I don't know how I did it, but I read the directions while driving and took the correct exit. As we pulled up to our first major/unknown turn, I asked him - while he was still on the phone - "Which way?" He kept on talking, so I followed the (backwards) MapQuest directions.

That was my third mistake.

About a half hour later, we knew we weren't in Kansas anymore. Exton is a pretty nice suburb of Philly. It is hardly a slum. Unfortunately for us, we were now driving through downtown Detroit on a bad day. The houses were abandoned, and crack whores were aligning the sidewalks. The Captain was now of the phone and - according to our directions - the beer distributor should be fast approaching. When I commented that a place that caries high-priced imports probably wouldn't be located in Harlem, he urged me to continue onward.

The Captain asked me if I had my pistol with me, and I said no. When he asked why, I almost yelled, "Because Exton is not a slum! If I knew we were going to Coatesville, I would have brought all of the guns in the neighborhood!!!" The stress level was getting a little high. We arrived at the address on the directions, and found something disturbing:

Captain America getting gas during our trip to nowhere.

The address was a vacant lot.

I don't remember much after that, because my brain aneurysm started to kick in. While the blood vessels were popping at an alarming rate, my last thoughts were of dumping my friend and neighbor onto the street and shouting, "Hey! This guy hates African-Americans!" before fleeing the scene. Luckily, I was driving with Mr. Positive. A man who really likes his beer. While I was smashing my skull against the steering wheel, he said, "We're fine. I'll just ask for directions."

Did you ever see that scene in National Lampoon's Vacation where Chevy Chase asks for directions in East St. Louis? That was the prospect we were facing. We stumbled upon a volunteer fire company, and the Cap got out to ask where the hell we were. I contemplated driving away, but I figured he knew how to find his way back to Philly. When he came back, he broke the good news:

"We should have made a right off the expressway when you made a left. We need to turn around and go all the way back. Apparently, the beer distributor is about two miles from where we took the wrong turn." (See my third mistake.)

While I plotted the Captain's death, we turned around. It was a good half hour drive back to the wrong turn, and we laughed about our misfortune until we pulled into the beer distributor's parking lot.

Our 45 minute trip had taken an hour and a half.

While the beer I had purchased (Hobgoblin Strong Dark Ale) is terrific, I can still taste the bile left over from our Trip to Nowhere. And it does not taste like victory.

The Lord Of The Rings

This film (and its two sequels) are what Dave from Garfield Ridge termed "Flypaper Movies." If you're channel-surfing and happen upon it, you're done. You'll watch it all the way through.

I've seen the films in the theater, and have the box set, but there are two scenes in The Fellowship of the Ring that blow the rest away: Arwen (Liv Tyler) being chased by Nazguls, and this one: where Legolas (Orlando Bloom) takes out a half dozen Orcs with arrows . . . in ten seconds.

For your viewing pleasure, here's the scene. The arrow massacre appears when the counter is at 4:00 (about a minute or so into the clip). Wait for it . . .


And there it is. Friggin' sweet!

God, I am such a nerd.

Weekend Caption Contest

Don't Forget Yer Rubbers Caption Contest
(Source: AFP)

Other Current Contests:
Blonde Sagacity
Bullwinkle Blog
Cowboy Blob
Gone Rick Motel (I took 2nd Place here last week!!)
Right Pundits (I WON here last week!!!)
Rodney Dill
RT (I took 2nd Place here last week!!)
WILLisms
Wizbang

Top Ten Entries:
10. "Dickheads!" - Big White Hat
9. Aww! How cute! It's Badger and Jen on their first date! - Vincent Antonelli
8. After screwing the country all his life, John Kerry got a fitting promotion. - Smite a Hippie
7. "Cum" see the new Durex Mascots,"Shot" and "Dumpster." - The Badger
6. Here is evidence why Brittany should lose custody: Just look at those Halloween costumes! - RT
5. Tinky Winky's brothers hit the club circuit. - Scully
4. Is Kobe home? - The Man
3. You can tell from their upright stature that Hillary is no where around. - Fustian
2. The newly introduced NASA mascots for the 'manned' trip to Uranus were just as quickly pulled. - Rodney Dill

WINNER! - Now in tasty Orangey Orange and new Lemon Lime! - Deathlok

USS New Jersey (BB - 62)

Finally! Something in New Jersey worth seeing!

The family and I took a trip across the Delaware to see the Battleship New Jersey; America's most decorated battleship. I had always wanted to take the tour, but had been putting it off . . . for seven years. *Hanging head in shame.*

We had a few options when we purchased the tickets. We could take the self-guided tour - lame - or spend the extra $2 apiece for the guided tour - sweet! Our tour guide was John Stickney from New Yawk (below), a 30-year veteran of the Navy. The tour guides are all volunteers, and are superlative at their craft.

John started off with a brief description and history of the ship. The New Jersey - the second battleship to bear the state's name: the first being part of Teddy Roosevelt's Great White Fleet - was built at the Philadelphia Navy Yard and was launched, ironically, on December 7, 1942. We then came aboard.

The New Jersey's 16-inch guns (above) are insane. Much larger than they appear, they spell doom for those in her path. The shells are bigger than my children, and about as destructive. John led our group into the 16-inch turret, which held 25 men during battle stations. We barely fit 11 of us, but I guess sailors are a bit more fit than some fat detective. The highlight of the turret tour? The artwork on the port side wall:


Nice! We toured the rest of the ship, including the Tomahawk launchers - Giggity! - chaff launchers, and the bridge (below). It was an all-inclusive tour that lasted about two hours, instead of the usual hour and a half. Luckily, we were graced with a Korean War veteran who was an ensign aboard the New Jersey at the time. Whatever detail John missed - and there weren't many - the veteran gladly provided. The tour was not only educational, but damned entertaining! I would highly recommend it to anyone.

As we disembarked the New Jersey, we passed the ship's motto, and I had to laugh: USS New Jersey: Firepower for Freedom. Oh, and my kids? They thought it was "Awesome!"

I wonder if we can hit John Street's house from here?

Guess Where I Spent My Day?

I'll blog all about it in a little while. (Click to embiggen.)

And, because he bitched about it, here's the link to Denny's New Jersey pic.

"F-E-L-O-N, FELON!"

To quote the incomparable Nelson Muntz, "HA, HA!"

The legal hits just keep on coming for Britt Reid. The 22-year-old son of Eagles Coach Andy Reid was taken into custody by Plymouth Township Police yesterday after he failed a sobriety test in a parking lot outside a local Dick's Sporting Goods store.

Reid's latest brush with the law came just a week after he pleaded guilty to gun and simple assault charges related to a road-rage incident last Jan. 30. He admitted in a guilty plea on Aug. 13 that he pointed a silver handgun, for which he had no license, at another motorist during a confrontation in West Conshohocken.

Reid, who also admitted to having marijuana and cocaine in his car during the road-rage incident, could face up to 14 months in jail. (H/T - The Philadelphia Daily News)

That's a shame. I am certain that Philadelphia Eagles fans - if there are any of you left - will will surely support Andy Reid's family in this time of crisis and need. After all, he is so accommodating and accessible to his loyal fans. (Snarkasm Alert!)

It is patently obvious that Reid thinks that the laws do not apply to him. Why? Because Daddy is an NFL head coach. Neither Britt Reid nor his brother Garrett - nice names - have yet to reach the age of 25, and already they are world-class thugs. Imagine what these two will be like when they are 30.

New Gal On The Block

My Blogging Army of the Undead just added another soldier.

Mrs. Grimjack - aka Grimjack's wife - has just started her very own blog. As such, it is my duty to pimp it like there's no tomorrow. So, when you get a chance, please stop by Much Ado About Nothing and welcome her aboard!

People I Hate

Hey kids, what time is it? Well, since it is a cloudy Thursday in Murdertown, it must be time for another jam-packed edition of PIH.

NBA Thug Stephon Marbury

Just when you thought NBA players couldn't sink any lower, we have this little wisdom nugget from the New York Knicks guard:

"I think it's tough," Marbury said, according to Albany TV station Capital News 9. "I think, you know, we don't say anything about people who shoot deer or shoot other animals. You know, from what I hear, dogfighting is a sport. It's just behind closed doors." (H/T - Yahoo!)

Okay, will someone please grab me a few rolls of duct tape? My head is about to explode! I am not sure which galls me more: the fact that Marbury is comparing dogfighting to deer hunting, or the fact that Marbury probably doesn't think NASCAR, Golf, or Lacrosse is a sport, but dogfighting is!

Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell

God, I am so sick and tired of featuring this piece of garbage here. Unfortunately, he keeps doing stupid things. He is the Patrick Star of state government. And now, he's giving the old "71" to area hunters. To wit:

HARRISBURG - Conspiracy, idiocy or just plain political opportunity?

When it comes to the issue of guns in Pennsylvania, the answer depends on geography - or so suggests the latest flap over Gov. Rendell's decision to shut down the state's instant background check system for gun purchases between Sept. 2 and 6.

The reason: much-needed computer upgrades.

The fallout: people won't be able to buy guns for four days - four days that coincide with the start of hunting season, when doves and early Canada geese become fair game, hunting enthusiasts say. (H/T - The Philadelphia Inquirer)

The answer to the first question is obviously "idiocy." Rendell chose the time for computer upgrades wisely: in order to give the fist to Pennsylvania's hunters - almost all of whom are conservatives. What Rendell obviously does not get - besides exercise - is that very few (if any) of Philadelphia's 266 homicides were committed by hunters wearing fluorescent orange hats perched in a tree stand!!!

Remember kids, you can't spell "idiotic a-hole" without "ED."

John Stewart and The Daily Show

Congratulations guys, it only took you four-and-a-half years to go to Iraq. And now that you've gone over there, you expect to be showered with accolades.

Correspondent Rob Riggle—who has combat experience as a U.S. Marine Corps major—spent five days in Iraq last week with “Daily Show” writer Kevin Bleyer and field producer Glenn Clements. They went with a USO sketch comedy tour known as “Operation Feel the Heat,” though—armed with small handheld cameras—they also brought back video that will be used for “The Daily Show” about the troops and their lives in Iraq. (H/T - The Hollywood Reporter)

You want accolades, go to another blog. I'm not impressed.

I'm not impressed that after 1,500 or so days of ripping the President, ripping the war, and (in my opinion) thereby ripping the troops, that you made a "pity visit" to Iraq

I'm not impressed that you send an alleged former Marine (Riggle) to the sandbox, and the best he can say is "I have a lot of respect for the troops fighting over there." Really? Maybe you'll remember that the next time you're ripping the war for laughs. But I doubt it.

I'm not impressed that some pundits and military types are applauding the trip despite the fact that is merely a publicity stunt for the show. Sorry, people, but The Daily Show will get no accolades from me.

Massacre At "Wounded Knee"

Today is my follow-up with the orthopedic surgeon. It's been three weeks, and while I would love to say that I'm feelin' fine, I'd be lying. And I usually only lie after 3pm.

The fact of the matter is that my knee still hurts . . . a lot. I am able to take the steps with a minute amount of pain - thanks to the cortisone shot - but anything else even remotely stressful makes me wince. Hell, I can almost feel myself getting fatter! I am dutifully taking the painkillers, but they aren't doing squat. Frankly, I'm a little scared. The knee is not getting any better. It's not really getting worse, but it's not getting better.

Of course, being a stubborn ass, I haven't exactly been following the doctor's orders to the letter. I kind of mowed the lawn, including our steep hill in front of the house. And I may have removed the knee brace when it was getting uncomfortable. Oh, and there was that whole marathon thing. I'm kidding.

Long story short: if the doctor has bad news, much of it will be my fault. I am hoping for good news, which for me, means he will have a cure up his sleeve. I'd like another cortisone shot if that will help, and I will demand that I go for physical therapy. We'll see what happens. My appointment is at 3:45 pm. Wish me luck.

UPDATE: Well, I'm back. And that rosy, best-scenario of me getting back on the ice in a few weeks? Not so much.

Apparently, I still have swelling and fluid in the knee, which explains why it is still pretty painful. The ortho doc said that it may take as long as 6-10 weeks for the knee to be fully healed. If I follow his instructions to the letter: ice the knee, wear the brace, and don't do, well, anything. Thus, I am officially out for the Winter Ice Hockey League. Crap.

A Serious Request

If you get a chance today, could you all please say a prayer for my Uncle Joe? He is about to undergo quadruple-bypass surgery soon, and he could use all the prayers we can muster. My family would really appreciate it.

UPDATE: Uncle Joe is scheduled for surgery on Tuesday.

When Geezers Attack

Carmel's old coots seen rebelling against "The Man."

Good grief, and I thought cops liked their doughnuts!

Carmel, N.Y., officials are listening to their elders, and giving up at least part of a plan to ban doughnuts from senior citizens' centers for health reasons.

Putnam County officials had proposed prohibiting free, day-old doughnuts from the county's five senior centers, which serve about 1,000 lunches each day. Nutritionists questioned whether the doughnuts were suitable snacks for people over 65.

Seniors rebelled, saying they're mature enough to decide what they eat. Some 250 people signed a petition blasting the proposal as a crummy idea. (H/T - Courier Post)

According to spokesperson Abraham Simpson, the Putnam County officials' ruling is certain to "angry up the blood." The pajamas-clad Simpson then rambled on for an hour about wearing an onion on his belt "which was the style at the time," before falling asleep, mid-sentence.