Rangers Avery Lacerates Spleen In Game

Jeez, now I'll have this story in the back of my mind during my game tonight.

NEW YORK (AP)—If the New York Rangers are going to pull off one of sport’s biggest comebacks, they will have to do it without premier motor mouth Sean Avery.

The agitating forward will spend the next few days in the hospital after lacerating his spleen during Tuesday night’s loss to the Pittsburgh Penguins.

News of Avery’s hospitalization created quite a stir Wednesday, following a report that the 28-year-old had suffered a cardiac arrest and was not breathing when he arrived at the hospital.

“The first time I saw the news, it was really concerning,” said Detroit Red Wings captain Nicklas Lidstrom, Avery’s former teammate. “I heard cardiac arrest. We got (to practice) and heard ruptured spleen. It’s still a severe injury, but sounded a lot worse.”

Still, New York will be without Avery as the Rangers try to stave off elimination Thursday night at Madison Square Garden, stuck in a 3-0 series hole against Pittsburgh.

Avery was injured during Tuesday night’s 5-3 loss from a hit, possibly in the first period, but played throughout the game despite worsening pain. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Damn. The guy played most of the game with a lacerated spleen. Makes my look like a pansy for sitting out half a season with a femoral contusion.

Humpday History Highlight

April 30, 1945 - Hitler Commits Suicide

Der Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler, dictator of Germany, burrowed away in a refurbished air-raid shelter, consumes a cyanide capsule, then shoots himself with a pistol, on this day in 1945, as his "1,000-year" Reich collapses above him.

Hitler had repaired to his bunker on January 16, after deciding to remain in Berlin for the last great siege of the war. Fifty-five feet under the chancellery (Hitler's headquarters as chancellor), the shelter contained 18 small rooms and was fully self-sufficient, with its own water and electrical supply. He left only rarely (once to decorate a squadron of Hitler Youth) and spent most of his time micromanaging what was left of German defenses and entertaining such guests as Hermann Goering, Heinrich Himmler, and Joachim von Ribbentrop. At his side were Eva Braun, whom he married only two days before their double suicide, and his dog, an Alsatian named Blondi.

Warned by officers that the Russians were only a day or so from overtaking the chancellery and urged to escape to Berchtesgarden, a small town in the Bavarian Alps where Hitler owned a home, the dictator instead chose suicide. It is believed that both he and his wife swallowed cyanide capsules (which had been tested for their efficacy on his "beloved" dog and her pups). For good measure, he shot himself with his service pistol.

The bodies of Hitler and Eva were cremated in the chancellery garden by the bunker survivors (as per Der Fuhrer's orders) and reportedly later recovered in part by Russian troops. A German court finally officially declared Hitler dead, but not until 1956. (H/T - History.com)

Frakkin' coward. You got of easy with suicide you son of a bitch.

School Bomb Plotter Wanted To Kill Jesus

Is he kidding? Does he have any idea how hard it is to get by Pearly Gates Security? It's not exactly like slipping past the roadies for Sonic Youth!

FLORENCE, South Carolina (AP) -- A teen accused of plotting to blow up his high school told police that he wanted to die, go to heaven and kill Jesus, federal authorities said Tuesday.

Prosecutors argued in a federal courtroom that the statements are an indication that 18-year-old Ryan Schallenberger needs a psychological evaluation.

The straight-A Chesterfield High School senior was arrested April 19 and faces several state and federal charges, including attempting to use a weapon of mass destruction. That charge carries a possible life sentence if he is convicted.

"His conduct is bizarre," prosecutor Buddy Bethea told Judge Thomas Rogers III, who did not immediately issue a ruling. "I think it screams out in his conduct that he be evaluated." (H/T - CNN)

"His conduct is bizarre?" Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Buddy Bethea: Master of the Obvious.

Wanna Vote? You May Need A Photo ID

As a citizen living in America's Home for Voter Fraud (Philadelphia, PA) I enthusiastically applaud this decision.

A ruling by a divided Supreme Court that allows states to ask voters for a photo ID drew sharp reaction yesterday from the presidential campaign trail to the streets of Philadelphia, where the decision was blasted by the Democratic Party boss.

"What is most disturbing about the Court's decision today is the complete lack of any evidence that the legislation serves any purpose other than making it more difficult for some to vote," said U.S. Rep. Bob Brady, also local Democratic leader. He'd filed a brief with the High Court seeking to overturn the photo law in Indiana.

Twenty-five states require some form of ID, and the court's 6-3 decision rejecting a challenge to Indiana's strict voter ID law could encourage others to adopt their own measures. Oklahoma legislators said the decision should help them get a version approved.

The ruling means the ID requirement will be in effect for next week's presidential primary in Indiana, where a significant number of new voters are expected to turn out for the Democratic contest between Sens. Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama.

"I disagree with the decision, but we're going to do everything we can in our campaign — I trust that not only the Democratic Party but fair-minded Republicans are going to do whatever they can — so that people at the state level can exercise the franchise," Obama said. Clinton said he had "questions" about the ruling, but now it's the law.

Supporters of the law say it's all about preventing fraud. (H/T - The Philadelphia Daily News)

And as a police detective living in America's Home for Voter Fraud, I have seen firsthand what kind of shenanigans people can try when they go to the polls. Nowadays, it's easy to get a photo ID - and everyone should have some form of photo ID anyway - so I don't see the problem with this ruling.

Of course, I am sure there are plenty of people who disagree with the common sense of it all.

The Greatest Hockey Hit Ever!

Who says the Minor league playoffs are "minor?" Check out this brutal hit. It'll make your jaw hurt.

Damn.

LEGO Goes Ballistic

Literally. Think LEGO meets Sebastian from Snowflakes in Hell.

I'm not sure whether I should be impressed or disturbed. Okay, I choose impressed. These things are pretty cool. Check them out at BrickArms.

From the site:

BrickArms offers building-toy compatible custom weapons, weapons packs, and custom minifigs.

All are designed and produced to meet the highest standards of quality. All toys mesh perfectly with your LEGO universe, and I have sold thousands to satisfied customers around the world.

The 2008 Weapons are here!

If you listen closely, JimmyB is placing an order right now.

Roger Clemens Linked With Mindy McCready

So, not only was Roger Clemens allegedly injecting himself with steroids, but he was also (allegedly) injecting himself into country star Mindy McCready. Heh.

Roger Clemens had a decade-long relationship with country star Mindy McCready that began when she was a 15-year-old aspiring singer and the pitcher was a Boston Red Sox ace, the New York Daily News reported.

Clemens' lawyer, Rusty Hardin, confirmed a long-term relationship but told the newspaper it was not sexual.

"He flatly denies having had any kind of an inappropriate relationship with her," Hardin said. "He's considered her a close family friend. ... He has never had a sexual relationship with her." (H/T - The Chicago Tribune)

Even if the relationship was not sexual, what the hell is a 28-year old baseball player doing with a 15-year old singer? He sure wasn't giving her singing lessons. This entire incident stinks to high heaven. It's inappropriate at best, criminal at worst.

The Miley Cyrus Vanity Fair Photo

There has been a lot of controversy surrounding Miley Cyrus' Vanity Fair photo, that everyone from Cyrus to photographer Annie Leibovitz are apologizing and backtracking on the entire incident. To wit:

(CNN) -- Annie Leibovitz on Monday defended her provocative photograph for Vanity Fair magazine of teen heartthrob Miley Cyrus -- aka Hannah Montana -- who has expressed embarrassment about the pose.

"I'm sorry that my portrait of Miley has been misinterpreted," the celebrity photographer said in a written statement. "Miley and I looked at fashion photographs together and we discussed the picture in that context before we shot it. The photograph is a simple, classic portrait, shot with very little makeup, and I think it is very beautiful."

"My goal in my music and my acting is always to make people happy," Cyrus said in a written statement. "For Vanity Fair, I was so honored and thrilled to work with Annie.

"I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be 'artistic' and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed. The pictures of me on the Internet were silly, inappropriate shots. (H/T - CNN)

Wow, this must be the most disgusting, perverted photo that has ever been taken. So much so that it's very difficult to find on the internet. Luckily for you, I have found it at the Vanity Fair site, and am prepared to release it upon the world.

Here it is, people . . .

Yeah, that's it. Miley covered up by a blanket. No nudity, no real seductive, erotic, or provocative pose. Just a 15-year old girl posing for - in my opinion - a fairly classy photo. Oh my God, what a frakkin' nightmare!

Somehow, this thing has turned into "The Miley Cyrus Nude Photos." Even Cyrus is acting like she just posed for Playboy. Okay, she's kidding, right? Leibovitz is kidding, right? Everyone who is expressing "outrage" over this photo is kidding, right?

Cripes, people, y'all really need to get a grip. /Rant.

The Fastest Game On Two Feet

. . . Performed by kids who play for the love of the game.

On Sunday, Kyle and his first and second grade lacrosse team played their first-ever lacrosse game. They were entered in an Under 9-Year Old tournament in Pottstown, PA. The tourney rules dictated that each team would play with seven kids at a time - two attackers, two defenders, and three midfielders - and a goalie for four 8-minute quarters. It was a day-long event, and Kyle's team was playing in three games.

Unfortunately for Kyle and his teammates, only seven kids showed up, which meant that every player had to play every minute of every game - with no breaks. What a way to start their lacrosse careers, huh? They also did not have a goaltender, so the tourney allowed them to put up a blocker in the net. Opposing players could score, but the blocker only stopped shots to the center of the net.

Kyle (left, in blue) getting double-teamed by the big kids.

What really killed Kyle's team's chances was the implementation of the "Hot" rule. This rule, used often in tournament settings, states that a team has to complete one pass before taking any shots on net. That was not a problem for the teams Kyle was facing - most of them had been playing lacrosse for a few years - but Kyle's team had been playing the sport for all of four weeks.

Novice or not, it was good to see my son hustle to check an opposing player's stick. Kyle is in the center, but watch the entire clip to see him stick check the player at the end. Nice!


Kyle's team lost the first game by a score of 2-0 - an impressive showing for first-timers - but went on to lose the other two games by more or less blowout scores. After the second game, our kids had no energy left, even after I gave Kyle three Red Bulls. (Kidding, kidding! I'm not that parent!) And as if to illustrate how exhausted the boy was in the third game, watch him dragging to the sidelines at the half.


The Calvary Crusaders lost all three games yesterday, and never scored one goal. Amazingly, they didn't care: they were too busy having fun playing a game they love. I have never been so proud of my boy.

Wright: "I'm Descriptive, Not Divisive"

You can almost hear Barack Obama screaming, "Will you just SHUT UP?!!!"

DETROIT, Michigan (AP) -- The outspoken former pastor of Barack Obama told an audience of 10,000 at an NAACP dinner on Sunday that despite what his critics say, he is descriptive, not divisive, when he speaks about racial injustices.

"I describe the conditions in this country," the Rev. Jeremiah Wright Jr. said during the 53rd annual Fight for Freedom Fund Dinner held by the Detroit chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People.

I agree. I could almost see the feathers on the chickens that "have come home to roost" after the September 11th attacks.

"I'm not here for political reasons," Wright said. "I'm not a politician. I know that fact will surprise many of you because many in the corporate-owned media made it seem like I am running for the Oval Office. I am not running for the Oval Office. I've been running for Jesus a long, long time, and I'm not tired yet."

And I'm sure Jesus loves your sermons. Can't you hear him now, "When is he going to get back to slamming Whitey?" Isn't it just grand when some jackass Lefty rants about the "conservative media?" Please.

The Rev. Wendell Anthony, president of the Detroit NAACP, said at a news conference before the dinner that he was excited to invite the "hottest brother in America right now." (H/T - CNN)

Um, excuse me, "Reverend," but everyone knows that the hottest brother in America right now is Mr. T!

Chavez Will Work To Release U.S. Hostages

Yeah, and I will win Blogger of the Year.

CARACAS, Venezuela - President Hugo Chavez said Sunday he will try to facilitate the release of three Americans held captive by Colombia's largest rebel group — even though he has lost contact with the guerrillas.

Chavez confirmed his willingness to help a day after New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson said the socialist leader had agreed to mediate a possible exchange of the U.S. defense contractors for imprisoned guerrillas.

"I told him that we're at their service, to try to help even though the issue is very complicated," said Chavez, speaking during his weekly television and radio program.

Chavez helped pave the way for the release of six captives earlier this year. But on Sunday, he reiterated previous claims that his government has lost contact with leaders of the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia, or FARC. (H/T - AP via Yahoo!)

Call me a pessimistic bastard, but I think Chavez would sooner have sex with Hillary Clinton than willingly help America. He'll say he's helping, but it's more likely that he's giggling at the fact that the American hostages may be killed.

Anyone who trusts this man is dumber than Kellie Pickler. I'm just sayin'.

Sharpton Vows To "Close Down" New York City

What's he gonna do; keep all of his supporters home from their *snicker* jobs?

NEW YORK (AP) - Hundreds of angry people marched through Harlem on Saturday after the Rev. Al Sharpton promised to "close this city down" to protest the acquittals of three police detectives in the 50-shot barrage that killed a groom on his wedding day and wounded two friends.

"We strategically know how to stop the city so people stand still and realize that you do not have the right to shoot down unarmed, innocent civilians," Sharpton told an overflow crowd of several hundred people at his National Action Network office in the historically black Manhattan neighborhood. "This city is going to deal with the blood of Sean Bell."

Sharpton was joined by the family of 23-year-old Sean Bell - a black man - and a friend of Bell who was wounded in the 2006 shooting outside a Queens strip club. Two of the three officers charged were also black.

The rally at Sharpton's office was followed by a 20-block march down Malcolm X Boulevard and then across 125th Street, Harlem's main business thoroughfare, where some bystanders yelled out "Kill the police!" (H/T - Drudge)

Kill the police? You see, this is the type of racial animosity that Fat Albert stirs up on an everyday basis. Unfortunately for Sharpton, when someone kills a police officer, the public is much worse off. Police officers provide a valuable public service. Of course, the "Reverend" Al provides no public service whatsoever, so one has to ask oneself: who is more "expendable?"

Editor's Note: Obviously, I do not condone anyone harming Al Sharpton, so save your hate mail.

Reno 911!

Does anyone know where Sssteve is today? He may have tripped and fell.

RENO, Nevada (AP) -- Scientists urged residents of northern Nevada's largest city to prepare for a bigger event as the area continued rumbling Saturday after the largest earthquake in a two-month-long series of temblors.

More than 100 aftershocks were recorded on the western edge of the city after a magnitude-4.7 quake hit Friday night, the strongest quake around Reno since one measuring 5.2 in 1953, said researchers at the seismological laboratory at the University of Nevada, Reno.

The latest quake swept store shelves clean, cracked walls in homes and dislodged rocks on hillsides, but there were no reports of injuries or widespread major damage.

Seismologists said the recent activity is unusual because the quakes started out small and continue to build in strength. The normal pattern is for a main quake followed by smaller aftershocks. (H/T - CNN)

Where is Lieutenant Dangle when you need him?

Oh, there he is.

It's Peanut Butter, Jimmy Time

Remember when Jimmy Carter was just a good President and not a national embarrassment?

Yeah, me neither.

So, after he decided to meet with Hamas this week, I decided he would be the perfect topic for this week's article at Family Security Matters. Here's a clip:

Former President and three-time X-Games snowboarding champion Jimmy Carter has come under fire this week after meeting with the Palestinian militant organization Hamas. Carter, in an obvious attempt to erase four years of Presidential malaise, has made an effort to undermine American interests by doing everything from meeting with terrorists to putting ketchup on his hot dog.

And nobody puts ketchup on a hot dog.

So, when did Jimmy Carter become such a train wreck? The short answer is simple: it began when he started drinking Billy Beer. The long answer is a bit more complicated.

You can read the rest HERE.

It's Weigh Day!

Well, another day, another chance to jump on the scale. Since the spring ice hockey season started, I was feeling good about this week's results, and it helped that I made points almost every day.

So without further ado, here is what I saw staring back at me when I weighed myself:

208 Pounds
Sweet! That's a loss of 2 pounds from last week, and a loss of 28 pounds since January 1st. God, it's good to be playing hockey again!

Other Progress Reports:
Ambulance Driver
Big Bad Wolf

Amy Winehouse Arrested Again

Okay, who had April 25th in the pool?

LONDON, England (AP) -- Amy Winehouse was arrested on suspicion of assault Friday following reports that she scuffled with two men during a wild night out, Sky News television reported.

The 24-year-old soul diva, who recently entered rehab after years of erratic behavior and canceled concerts, arrived at a central London police station to answer questions relating to the alleged incident, her representatives said.

Winehouse didn't say anything to assembled photographers and cameramen as she walked into the station late Friday afternoon.

A man was quoted in tabloid newspapers as saying he was hit by Winehouse when he got in her way while she was playing pool at a bar in the Camden neighborhood and then head-butted another who was trying to hail her a cab in the early hours of Wednesday morning. (H/T - CNN)

Now, that's classy! Ya know, if Lamey Swinehouse was an attractive woman, she would probably get cut a little slack. Unfortunately for her, she's quickly turning into a crack whore, so it may be of to jail for her again.

Weekend Caption Contest

Snipes Hunt Caption Contest
(Source: AFP)

Original Caption: Actor Wesley Snipes (R) clasps his hands while walking into the federal courthouse for sentencing in Ocala, Florida April 24, 2008.

Other Current Contests:
Blonde Sagacity
bRight & Early (I won here last week!)
Cowboy Blob
Gone Rick Motel
Peakah!
Right Pundits
Rodney Dill
RT
WILLisms

Top Ten Entries:
10. "Dear Lord - I know the movies weren't that great but one year for each "Blade" movie, is a bit excessive." - Web
9. "Please, please, please don't let my chickens come home to roost." - Maggie Mama
8. Snipes: Please Lord let them make a Blade V....
Planet Earth: Please Lord don't make another Blade - The Man
7. "Dear Lord...What would Blade do?" - Dennis
6. Sinpai? Sinpai?!!!!! - Big White Hat
5. "All Hail the Almighty IRS." - Mope
4. Actor Wesley Snipes (R) clasps his hands while walking into the federal courthouse for sentencing in Ocala, Florida April 24, 2008. Wesley Snipes is a Republican? And why does the media feel the need to tell us that? - Cowboy Blob
3. "A Black Judge. . . A Black Judge. . . . A Black Judge. . . ." - Deathlok
2. "Now I lay me down to sleep, delinquent tax bills at my feet..." - John D.

WINNER! - "My God, won't they ever leave that poor Amy Winehouse alone." - Rodney Dill

Thanks For The Meme-ories

"Me, me, me . . ." - Agent Smith, The Matrix Reloaded

Old NFO tagged me with a meme yesterday, and although I am fairly sure I participated in this one before, I cannot say no to a friend. Here goes:

Here are the rules if you decide to play along:

1) Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2) Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3) Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4) Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. I was once involved in an auto accident with Miss America.

2. I am scared to death of flying. Well, not actually flying, but I'm scared of crashing! And to think, I wanted to become a fighter pilot when I was growing up.

3. My yearly goal is to have a perfect lawn, even thought I had the outdoors. Maybe I just want to look out the window at my perfect lawn. I have allergies and have had bouts with asthma (not to mention that I am allergic to bee stings), so the great outdoors is not exactly my happy place.

4. I am the resident "Movie Guy" within my circle of friends, which also makes me the ringer during Quizzo night at the bar. I can tell you who played "Endo" in Lethal Weapon (Al Leong), then tell you that he's an infamous character actor who had roles in Die Hard, They Live, and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

5. I suffer severe bouts of writer's block. I have written and re-written blog posts dozens of times until I feel they are "acceptable." I am worse with my FSM articles. This week's article took me four hours to write - and be satisfied with it. That being said, you'll probably think this week's article isn't even all that funny. Damn.

6. I have broken a few bones in my day. I broke my right wrist in grade school while sliding into third base, and my left wrist in high school while playing defense in roller hockey. While in the Police Academy, I fractured my ankle while running with my classmates. It was the last time that I learned the PPD considers its officers merely as numbers. Even though I had several witnesses, my platoon sergeant - who is a captain now, the bitch - declared that my injury was not work-related. I used up all of my sick time because she was (and is) a moron.

7. I like to sleep . . . a lot. On my days off, I stay up until about 2am, then sleep until 11am. It drives the missus out of her mind, but she knew my sleeping habits before we were married. Twelve years of working the midnight shift have irrevocably ruined my routine, and since I've never been a morning person, I do the vampire thing.

Well, there you are. I won't tag anyone - it appears most of my regulars have been tagged already - but if you'd like to participate, feel free.

Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Blog pal, and Friend of SYLG, Jim is approaching his 100,000th visitor. I'd appreciate it if you could help speed up the process a tad and pay his blog a visit.

And hey, while you're there, ask him to make you a terrific blog banner like the one he made for me!

NYPD Detectives Acquitted In Killing

And, somewhere, the Reverend Al Sharpton is crying in his beer.

NEW YORK - Three detectives were acquitted of all charges Friday in the 50-shot killing of an unarmed groom-to-be on his wedding day, a case that put the NYPD at the center of another dispute involving allegations of excessive firepower.

Justice Arthur Cooperman delivered the verdict in a Queens courtroom packed with spectators, including victim Sean Bell's fiancee and parents, and at least 200 people gathered outside the building.

Outside the courthouse, which was surrounded by scores of police officers, many in the crowd began weeping as news of the verdict said. Others were enraged, swearing and screaming "Murderers! Murderers!" or "KKK!"

Nice try with the "KKK" comment, especially since two of the detectives are black. Idiots.

Officers Michael Oliver, 36, and Gescard Isnora, 29, stood trial for manslaughter while Officer Marc Cooper, 40, was charged only with reckless endangerment. Two other shooters weren't charged. Oliver squeezed off 31 shots; Isnora fired 11 rounds; and Cooper shot four times.

The mood surrounding this case has been muted by comparison, although Bell's fiancee, parents and their supporters, including the Rev. Al Sharpton, have held rallies demanding that the officers — two of whom are black — be held accountable.

And there it is. If all three of the detectives were white, Sharpton would have people burning down the city. Al probably punched a hole in his wall when he heard that two of the detectives were black.

As the club closed around 4 a.m., Sanchez and Isnora claimed they overheard Bell and his friends first flirt with women, then taunt a stranger who responded by putting his right hand in his pocket as if he had a gun. Guzman, they testified, said, "Yo, go get my gun" — something Bell's friends denied.

Of course, his boys denied that. I guarantee that Bell said it, though.

Isnora said he decided to arm himself, call for backup — "It's getting hot," he told his supervisor — and tail Bell, Guzman and Benefield as they went around the corner and got into Bell's car. He claimed that after warning the men to halt, Bell pulled away, bumped him and rammed an unmarked police van that converged on the scene with Oliver at the wheel.

The detective also alleged that Guzman made a sudden move as if he were reaching for a gun. (H/T - AP via Yahoo!)

Unlike most people in the media, I can't give an honest opinion of what happened that night. I wasn't there. But, if I learned nothing else in 14 years as a police officer, I learned this: I do not play Monday Morning Quarterback with a police shooting.

The judge listened to the facts at hand, and believed that the detectives' version of events was more believable than the victims' version. End of story.

FHM's Sexiest Woman Named

Giggity, giggity, giggity!

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Megan Fox is the sexiest woman in the world -- at least according to FHM magazine.

The "Transformers" co-star tops FHM's annual 100 Sexiest Women in the World poll of FHM readers.

The 21-year-old model-actress beat out the likes of Angelina Jolie (No. 12), Rihanna (No. 14), Kim Kardashian (No. 17), Paris Hilton (No. 77) and last year's champion, Jessica Alba (No. 3). (H/T - CNN)

You'll get no argument from me.

Shenanigans, Shenanigans!

I hereby declare shenanigans on tonight's Flyers/Canadiens game. Normally, I don't crucify NHL referees, but tonight's team was nothing short of disgraceful.

First, they allowed a goal by Montreal's Alexei Kovalev which was clearly batted into the net by a high stick. Urge to kill rising.

Then, they called a "Kneeing" penalty on the Flyers' Mike Richards, when the replays not only showed that he never made contact (again, with Kovalev), but also showed that it was clean shoulder hit. The penalty was called with a minute or so left in the game, and on the ensuing power play, Montreal scored to tie it. Blood pressure rising.

Then, early on in the overtime period, with momentum on their side, the Canadiens scored to win Game One. Breaking out the assault weapons here.

I thought that Montreal would win this series anyway, but to quote "Switch" from The Matrix, "Not like this. Not like this."

Rabbit Punch

I was in the mood for some classic Bugs Bunny. Sue me.

Man, they don't make cartoons like these anymore.

"Semi-Pro" Bear Kills Trainer

This story is unbearable. (Yeah, I'm going to Hell.)

The grizzly bear that wrestled Will Ferrell's character in the recent film "Semi-Pro" seemed to obediently follow cues which made its killing of its trainer with a bite to the neck all the more stunning.

Three experienced handlers were working with the grizzly Tuesday at the Predators in Action wild animal training center when the bear attacked Stephan Miller, 39, said San Bernardino County sheriff's spokeswoman Cindy Beavers.

Stephan Miller is the cousin of training center owner Randy Miller, she said.

Pepper spray was used to subdue and contain the bear, and there were no other injuries, Beavers said. Paramedics arriving shortly after the initial emergency call around 3 p.m. were unable to revive Stephan Miller. (H/T - Yahoo!)

I hate to sound like a bigger jerk than I usually am, but was this incident really unexpected? It's a frakkin' grizzly bear! Thousands of years of instinct are not just going to go away just because someone trained it to wrestle. When will people use some common sense?

And The Christianity Bashing Continues

I would have expected more from a brilliant director like Paul Verhoeven. Snark.

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands (AP) -- Film director Paul Verhoeven has written a book that contradicts the Bible by suggesting that Jesus might have been fathered by a Roman soldier who raped Mary.

An Amsterdam publishing house says it will publish the book titled "Jesus of Nazareth: A Realistic Portrait" in September.

Verhoeven is best known as the director of films including "Basic Instinct" and "RoboCop," but he is also a member of the "Jesus Seminar," a group that questions church teachings about Jesus. (H/T - CNN)

I'll bet a lot of people think that Verhoeven is a courageous man to tackle such a controversial issue. Personally, I would think Verhoeven was courageous if he wrote the same book about, oh say, Muhammad. But that would never happen, would it, Paul? It would never happen because you would have to go into hiding.

So what does Verhoeven do? He writes a despicable book suggesting despicable things about Jesus, because he knows that Christians won't threaten his life. They'll just refuse to buy his literary abomination.

Jimmy Carter: Idiotus Extremis

It's bad enough that Jimmy Carter ruined his years in the Presidency; does he have to ruin his post-Presidential years as well?

(CNN) -- Former President Carter very politely denied Wednesday that the secretary of state or anyone else in her department had warned him against meeting with Hamas leaders during his recent trip to the Middle East.

Right, Jimmy; I'm sure the administration was all for it. Idiot.

"President Carter has the greatest respect for Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and believes her to be a truthful person," his spokeswoman, Deanna Congileo, said Wednesday in a statement.

Keep reading. Here comes the slam . . .

"However, perhaps inadvertently, she is continuing to make a statement that is not true. No one in the State Department or any other department of the U.S. government ever asked him to refrain from his recent visit to the Middle East or even suggested that he not meet with Syrian President Assad or leaders of Hamas."

Oh boy, Carter must be enjoying some peanut butter and crack sammiches again. The administration always requests that American dignitaries not meet with Hamas! Any prudent administration would warn against it. And, if by some insane set of circumstances that an administration did not, wouldn't common sense dictate that former U. S. Presidents avoid meeting with a known terrorist organization? Use your head, Jimmy!

Before departing on the April 13 through 22 trip to Nepal, Israel, the West Bank, Egypt, Syria, Saudi Arabia and Jordan, "President Carter placed a telephone call to Ms. Rice to describe his itinerary and to inform her of his intended conversations. She was in Europe, and her deputy returned his call," the statement said.

"They had a very pleasant discussion for about 15 minutes, during which he never made any of the negative or cautionary comments described above. He never talked to anyone else."

I don't want to call the former President a liar . . . but I don't know how to finish this sentence.

Carter was responding to an assertion made Tuesday in Kuwait City by Rice, who told reporters in response to a question, "I want to be very clear. We counseled President Carter against coming to -- against going to the region, and particularly against having contacts with Hamas." (H/T - CNN)

Of course you did, Ms. Rice. You would be derelict in your duties if you didn't.

I can understand Carter trying to solidify his place in history as something other than a terribly mediocre President, but he is going about it in the worst way possible. Personally, I do not think history will look too kindly on his recent exploits.

Jimmy Carter should go back to building shelters for the homeless.

Humpday History Highlight

April 23, 1014 - King Brian of Ireland Murdered by Vikings

Brian Boru, the high king of Ireland, is assassinated by a group of retreating Norsemen shortly after his Irish forces defeated them.

Brian, a clan prince, seized the throne of the southern Irish state of Dal Cais from its Eogharacht rulers in 963. He subjugated all of Munster, extended his power over all of southern Ireland, and in 1002 became the high king of Ireland. Unlike previous high kings of Ireland, Brian resisted the rule of Ireland's Norse invaders, and after further conquests his rule was acknowledged across most of Ireland. As his power increased, relations with the Norsemen on the Irish coast grew increasingly strained. In 1013, Sitric, king of the Dublin Norse, formed an alliance against Brian, featuring Viking warriors from Ireland, the Hebrides, the Orkneys, and Iceland, as well as soldiers of Brian's native Irish enemies.

On April 23, 1014, Good Friday, forces under Brian's son Murchad met and annihilated the Viking coalition at the Battle of Clontarf, near Dublin. After the battle, a small group of Norsemen, flying from their defeat, stumbled on Brian's tent, overcame his bodyguards, and murdered the elderly king. Victory at Clontarf broke Norse power in Ireland forever, but Ireland largely fell into anarchy after the death of Brian. (H/T - History.com)

Lousy sneaky Vikings with your pointy, horned hats!

Petraeus Nominated For CENTCOM Commander

I doubt there is a more deserving candidate.

WASHINGTON - Army Gen. David Petraeus, the four-star general who led troops in Iraq for the past year, will be nominated by President Bush to be the next commander of U.S. Central Command, Defense Secretary Robert Gates said Wednesday.

Gates said he expected Petraeus to make the shift in late summer or early fall. The Pentagon chief also announced that Bush will nominate Army Lt. Gen. Ray Odierno to replace Petraeus in Baghdad.

Central Command oversees the wars in Iraq and in Afghanistan.

"I am honored to be nominated for this position and to have an opportunity to continue to serve with America's soldiers, sailors, airmen, Marines, Coast Guardsmen and civilians," Petraeus said in a brief statement from Baghdad. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Petraeus has suffered through a lot of nonsense from Congress, the media, and the idiots at MoveOn in the past year, and yet he remained classy and professional through it all. If it were me, I would have strangled each and every one of them. It is nice to see the general's patience be rewarded. Congratulations, sir!

Masturbation May Prevent Prostate Cancer

Note to family and in-laws: you may want to skip this post.

Whoo hoo! I'm cancer free!

Frequent masturbation may help men cut their risk of contracting prostate cancer, Australian researchers have found. It is believed that carcinogens may build up in the prostate if men do not ejaculate regularly, BBC News reported on Wednesday.

The researchers surveyed more than 1,000 men who had developed prostate cancer, and 1,250 men who had not. They found that men who had ejaculated the most between the ages of 20 and 50 were the least likely to get cancer. Men who ejaculated more than five times each week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer. (H/T - Yahoo!)

I realize that I am already on the fast train to Hell, so I will not comment further on this article. Okay, except maybe this: I expect The Badger to live a very long life. POW!

Clinton Wins Pennsylvania

Reply for Barack "Change" Obama: "Ouch!"

WASHINGTON - Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton cut into Sen. Barack Obama's delegate lead in early returns from Pennsylvania's Democratic primary.

Clinton won at least 66 delegates to the party's national convention, with 35 still to be awarded. Obama won at least 57, according to an analysis of election returns by The Associated Press.

The final delegate count isn't expected until Wednesday at the earliest because many of Pennsylvania's counties are split into multiple congressional districts. Pennsylvania awards delegates according to the statewide vote as well as the vote in individual congressional districts. (H/T - Yahoo!)

That's a shame. I really wanted to see Barack win this thing on my birthday. Bawahahahahaha!!! Maybe next time, he won't insult the voters in my home state before an election. Dumbass.

Speaking Of UFOs

Stephen Hawking was right!

PHOENIX — Red colored lights that formed a square and then a triangle were seen floating over north Phoenix late Monday, a sight reminiscent of an unexplained 1997 sighting that has become part of the area's lore.

There was no immediate word where they came from.

The Air Force said the lights weren't from any of their flight operations and officials at Deer Valley airport and Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport could not explain it.

The lights were visible for about 13 minutes around 8 p.m. Monday.

A Luke Air Force Base official said the base wasn't flying any aircraft in the sky Monday night and that the lights are not part of any Air Force activities. (H/T - FOXNews)

Ooh, eerie! Will someone please tell MoxArgon to stop frakkin' with the desert rubes?

Letter Carrier Catches Falling Baby

Unfortunately, she spiked the baby after the one-handed catch. Kidding, kidding!

ALBANY, New York (AP) -- A postal worker is credited with saving a 1-year-old girl's life by catching her after the baby fell out of a second-story window in Albany, New York.

Lisa Harrell was delivering mail to a home late Monday morning when she noticed a baby in a window above the front door. Harrell says the next thing she knew, the baby had fallen into her arms.

When the baby's mother realized what had happened, she ran outside and grabbed the girl from Harrell. The woman thanked Harrell and then ran down the street to her mother's house. Paramedics checked the baby at the scene but found no injuries. (H/T - CNN)

Damn. Pretty impressive for a profession that is infamous for shooting up their workplace. I'm just sayin'.

Happy Bearth-day!

Today is April 22. It is also Earth Day, but in a more important, non-hippie way, it is my 39th birthday. (Cue Jack Benny saying it will be my first 39th of many.) I have never been a big fan of birthdays - not because I dread getting older; Hell, I welcome death! - but because I don't like the fuss. As of this posting, the missus has not even given me a birthday gift yet; and I am okay with that. (Of course, with Kevin's christening, we all have been really busy last week.) Actually, she did give me a great present - she let me sleep until noon. Nice!

So, today is like any other day. I took the day off from work, but other than that, nothing special. We had cake this weekend at the christening, so I don't need any more; I get to take Kyle to lacrosse practice this afternoon - I have only been to one practice this year, thanks to work; and our spring ice hockey season begins tonight.

Come to think of it, today is going to be a pretty swell day.

Prince William Lands Copter In Girlfriend's Garden

There were no human injuries, but three gnomes were killed.

LONDON (Reuters) - Prince William landed a Royal Air Force helicopter in the garden of his girlfriend Kate Middleton's family home but the Defence Ministry defended his actions, saying he achieved essential training objectives.

Dude, I don't think you need to impress the broad. She knows you're filthy stinking rich!

The News of the World reported on Sunday that 25-year-old William, second in line to the British throne, asked Middleton's parents' permission to land at their home in Berkshire, southern England, because of a shortage of landing slots in the neighboring county Hampshire.

Aviation analyst and RAF-trained pilot Jon Lake told the weekly paper the April 3 flight was "ridiculous and inappropriate," but the ministry said the two-hour training mission was fully authorized as part of William's four-month RAF attachment. (H/T - Reuters)

Moments later, Prince William told Middleton to "prepare to be boarded." Heh.

Stephen Hawking: Alien Life Likely

And, apparently, it is not all coming from Mexico.

WASHINGTON (AP) - Famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking has been thinking a lot about the cosmic question, "Are we alone?" The answer is probably not, he says.

If there is life elsewhere in the universe, Hawking asks why haven't we stumbled onto some alien broadcasts in space, maybe something like "alien quiz shows?"

Hawking's comments were part of a lecture at George Washington University on Monday in honor of NASA's 50th anniversary. He theorized that there are possible answers to whether there is extraterrestrial life.

One option is that there likely isn't life elsewhere. Or maybe there is intelligent life elsewhere, but when it gets smart enough to send signals into space, it also is smart enough to make destructive nuclear weapons.

Hawking said he prefers the third option:

"Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare," he then quickly added: "Some would say it has yet to occur on earth." (H/T - Breitbart)

That's right, Stephen, keep calling aliens unintelligent. I don't think Diana will take your comments too lightly . . .

Police Break Up Fistfight At Jesus' Tomb

Apparently, these morons thought the answer to WWJD? is "Punch everyone in the face then fight the cops."

JERUSALEM - Dozens of Greek and Armenian priests and worshipers exchanged blows at one of Christianity's holiest shrines on Orthodox Palm Sunday, and used palm fronds to pummel police who tried to break up the brawl.

The fight came amid growing rivalry over religious rights at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, built over the site in Jerusalem where tradition says Jesus was buried and resurrected.

It erupted when Armenian clergy kicked out a Greek priest from their midst, pushed him to the ground and kicked him, according to witnesses.

When police intervened, some worshipers hit them with the palm fronds they were holding for the religious holiday. The Eastern Orthodox churches, including the Armenians and Greek Orthodox, follow a different calendar from Western Christians and celebrate Easter next Sunday. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Eh, what? I have two questions here:

1. Did any of these priests give a damn that they were "throwing down" on the site of the Resurrection?
2. How did the police fill out their injury reports afterwards? Did any of them feel any shame when writing in, "Assaulted with palm fronds?"
   

Danica Patrick Wins Her First IndyCar Race

And, of course, some tools are tinkling in her corn flakes . . .

Danica Patrick’s first IndyCar win in the Japan 300 was more a triumph in public relations than auto racing.

It didn’t happen as the result of a final lap, wheel-to-wheel battle, one that many close observers of the sport feel she will never win.

It instead was more a battle between the race engineer’s computers on the Andretti Green team and that of her rival Helio Castroneves’ Penske Racing team. It was a matter of who would get the best fuel mileage in the final handful of laps of the 200-lap race.

Both drivers had made their final pit stop on Lap 148, and when race leader Scott Dixon was forced onto pit road for a final splash of fuel, it became an opportunity for both Patrick and Castroneves to win – in a fuel mileage battle.

Castroneves is the IRL points leader and was racing with that in mind. Instead of gambling on running out of fuel or making a pit stop which would have had him finishing farther back in the field and scoring fewer points, Castroneves instead lifted his foot off of his gas pedal just enough to save fuel and reward Patrick with the victory.

The win was the result of a well-calculated move – pure and simple. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Okay, the author of this snark-fest - Bob Margolis - is a douche. Drivers win races on fuel mileage all the time. Richard Petty did it, Jeff Gordon did it, Tony Stewart did it. Why is it lame for Danica to do it?

Sounds to me like someone was rejected by the hot, popular girl in high school.

Buzzards, Vultures, Whatever

It's like "potato," "potato."

COLLEGE STATION, Texas - Maybe if they were pretty, the ubiquitous buzzards that soar over Texas and elsewhere on their way to dine on some carcass wouldn't be viewed with such repugnance or be considered nuisances.

"Unquestionably, they're as ugly as sin," says Ian Tizard, a Texas A&M University professor of immunology and director of the school's Schubot Exotic Bird Center.

The misnamed birds — they're really vultures, and either turkey or black vultures — range over much of the United States, and they're even welcomed as a sure sign of spring on their annual March return to Hinckley, Ohio.

But their proliferation is making them unwelcome, from high-rises in Florida to ranches in Texas, denying them the respect they may deserve as Mother Nature's vacuum cleaners. Think roadkill.

"We'd have a lot more smelly dead bodies around the place if they weren't there to clean it up," Tizard said. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Ya know, if being "ugly as sin" were grounds for termination, Sarah Jessica Parker would have been killed long ago!

Baseball Team Gives Up 66 Runs In Two Innings

And, amazingly, the offending team was not the Philadelphia Phillies!

TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese high school pleaded for a regional game to be abandoned after surrendering 66 runs in less than two innings, local media reported on Thursday.

The coach of Kawamoto technical high school threw in the towel to spare his pitcher's arm with his team losing 66-0 with just one batter out in the bottom of the second.

The hapless hurler had already sent down over 250 pitches, allowing 26 runs in the first inning and 40 in the second before Kawamoto asked for mercy. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Damn. Well, in fairness the team was playing the Gashouse Gorillas. One guy was batting with a felled tree for cripes' sake!

London Stinks

Literally.

LONDON, England (CNN) -- A foul smell permeating London and parts of England over the past two days is due to farmers on the European continent spreading manure in their fields, forecasters and British farmers said Saturday.

The agricultural odor is inescapable in central London and smells vaguely of farmland or even garbage.

Forecasters said a stiff breeze from the east is carrying the smell across the North Sea from Belgium, the Netherlands and even Germany. They said the smell is likely to hang around through the weekend as the easterly wind continues.

"You can't say it's going to smell for two days, but the wind is coming in from the same direction," said Chris Almond, a forecaster with the Met Office, Britain's weather service. "It's not really until Monday, Tuesday that we'll see a change in the wind direction, with a more marked improvement in air quality." (H/T - CNN)

Oh, thank God. I was starting to think that Brick Top had been feeding his enemies to the pigs again . . .