Pimp-tastic!

It's like the folks at Blogthings have known me all my life! Of course, I have become a much larger pimp the second I started blogging. Now, if only Deathlok can find me that purple hat with the feather . . .

Your Pimp Name Is...

Macktastic Love

What's Your Pimp Name?

So . . . what's yours?

There's Hope For All Of Us Ugly Guys!

It's official: the Apocalypse is at hand . . .

Here’s one for the Hollywood Odd Couple Hall Of Fame- pint-sized, big-screen tough guy Joe Pesci has gotten engaged to statuesque supermodel Angie Everhart, The ENQUIRER has learned exclusively.

The 5-foot-4 Oscar winner and the 5-foot-10 beauty have been friends for years, but in the past few months the relationship has turned to love, say insiders.

Joe, 64, and Angie, 37, were on a weekend getaway in Atlantic City in early July when the goodfella gave her the thrill of her life. He proposed by getting on one knee- and placing a stunning 8-carat diamond ring on her finger.

Can you believe this guy . . .
Gets to have this babe?

Sorry ladies, but although I think redheads are exceptionally hot, Angie just ruined the intellect curve for the rest of you!

10,000 Miles To Graceland

In the past few weeks, a lot of my favorite bloggers have reached impressive milestones. Pandy earned her 10,000th hit, Rachel earned her 10,000th hit, and Damian G earned his 25,000th hit.

And now, two blog friends that I have actually met are approaching the 10,000 mark.

Captain America of First In! will probably reach the magic number first. As of this posting, he is a mere 87 hits away. The good Captain is a terrific guy and a great blogger, but he's not getting the hits that he probably deserves. Of course, he could hold a kickass contest for the 10,000th visitor, but he'd probably tell me that idea - like every idea I feed him - is "gay."

Hell, if he won't distribute gifts, you can always tease him that he had to sell his Harley when his kids were born . . . for a minivan. HA!

Oh well. Stop by his place, anyway. Maybe you'll be the lucky visitor.

UPDATE: The Captain has announced his 10,000th Visitor Prize! Check out what's being offered HERE. He is now only 56 hits away.

FINAL UPDATE: Rachel was the lucky 10,000th visitor! Thank you all for putting the Captain over the top!

While Deathlok at The Temerity of High Maintenance was not always an everyday poster, he has gone on a tear in recent weeks. Why haven't you noticed?!!! For those of us who have, we can tell you that he dissected the recent Police concert, showed us a first glimpse of Iron Man, and nominated a few of you for the Blogger Reflection Award.

As of this posting, Deathlok is only 420 hits away from 10,000. Why not stop by and say hello?

I Got It!!!

Yes, even after swearing I wouldn't, I succumbed to the peer pressure of my friend Kevin and bought PlayStation 3 last night. I can hear your jeers and catcalls now, and I can assure you: I feel much shame. Tomorrow I buy my first game, and of course, it will be NASCAR '08. Giddyup!

Welcome To Philadelphia

". . . If You're Not Armed, Please Leave The City Immediately." - Billboard at Philly's city limits.

CBS 3) PHILADELPHIA A wave of violence left six people dead throughout Philadelphia over the weekend.

Someone tell Captain America that he needs to update his Murder Meter! Let's start the countdown, shall we?

1. Police said the latest homicide occurred on the 6200 block of Morton Street in Germantown at about 2:45 a.m. Monday. The victim, a 29-year-old male, was pronounced dead at the scene with multiple gunshot wounds to the chest.

2. Just after 2:30 a.m. Saturday, police said a 15-year-old male was shot and killed on the 6300 block of Callowhill Street.

3. Hours later, authorities said a 16-year-old male was killed during a robbery in Tacony Creek Park.

4. The body of a woman inside a Wynnefield Heights home Saturday after concerned family and friends told authorities she had been missing for several days. Firefighters discovered the body of a 24-year-old woman in a home on the 3700 block of Conshohocken Avenue. The woman's boyfriend reportedly confessed to the violent crime.

5. Early Sunday morning, the body of a woman was found ablaze along the 2400 block of Strawberry Mansion Drive in Fairmount Park. Investigators said the woman's hands were tied before she was placed in a burning pile of trash.

6. And this is the one I enjoyed: An officer was forced to open fire on an armed suspect after responding to reports of a domestic dispute near 5th and Clearfield Streets Sunday evening.

The suspect was pronounced dead at Temple University Hospital. Investigators are trying to determine whether the suspect fatally shot himself or was killed when the officer discharged his weapon.

Next time, don't point a gun at a police officer. Oh wait, I guess there won't be a "next time" for him.

How Did I Miss This?

I mean, it's CAL! Along with Wayne Gretzky, this guy is my personal hero.

COOPERSTOWN, N.Y. (AP) -- When they played, Cal Ripken Jr. and Tony Gwynn epitomized all that was good about baseball. And now as Hall of Famers, nothing has changed.

When they entered baseball's shrine on Sunday, the two were saluted as much for their remarkable careers as the character they have always displayed away from the field, greeted by a record crowd estimated at 75,000 that included Commissioner Bud Selig.

Ripken and Gwynn were awestruck.

"I was intimidated looking out at that many people," Ripken said. "I got real quiet. I just kept looking at it and I was amazed, overwhelmed. So many people. It makes you feel really good that people will trek all the way up from their homes to share this tribute." (H/T - Yahoo!)

Do you know why they trekked to Cooperstown, Cal? Because you and Tony Gwynn are amongst the last of a dying breed: honorable baseball players. Players who busted their humps not for personal stats or big-money contracts, but for the love of the game. Players who avoided scandal not because they were careful, but because they were of good character.

Players unlike Barry Bonds.

Congratulations Tony and Cal! Your inductions are truly deserved.

My Uncle Ray Finds All The Funny Stuff

As is shown here, in an e-mail he just sent me . . .

The Barry Bonds Rookie Card.

I don't know where he finds this stuff, but it's all usually funny.

Private Pyle, What Is Your Major Conjunction?

I'm a little tired from my friend's wedding last night - yes, Wagonsux, I was there - so before I post about the big event, I figured I'd take y'all back from another quality post from Middie Back!, my first blog. This post was originally written on January 30, 2004. Enjoy!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As a kid, some of my fondest memories involve Saturday morning cartoons. Yes, I am a card-carrying member of Generation X. I don't want to sound like a curmudgeon, but today's cartoons lack a certain style. "Pokemon", "Recess", and "Pepper Ann" couldn't hold "Looney Toons'" anvil. As sure as it is accepted that McDonald's fries are the best, it is also sure that "Looney Toons" is the king of animation. Although I could sing the praises of Bugs, Daffy, and Porky Pig until I am blue in the face, these legends of cinema are not my focus today. Today I write about mere "filler". Today I come to praise "Schoolhouse Rock".

For the two or three of you (ninety percent of my audience, by the way) who are unfamiliar with S.R., allow me to give you a brief synopsis. "Schoolhouse Rock" is a collection of campy 70's musical cartoons with a message. Their subjects run the gamut from history to grammar, from mathematics to science. They were essential to my academic development, and I would refer to them while taking tests in grade school: "A noun is a person, place, or thing . . ." In the words of Chevy Chase (from "Spies Like Us"): "Got me through high school."

As I grew older, many of my childhood joys became tired, soulless shadows of their former selves. While cleaning the old homestead, I found my VHS tapes of "The Rock" and decided to give them a once-over. Imagine my surprise when I realized that they were just as enjoyable today as they were when I was ten. To be honest, I always thought many of the lyrics were sung by the immortal Ray Charles, and not Jack Shelton (GENIUS!), even though their voices are similar. I still can't pick an adverb out of a police lineup, but I can tell you how to "Unpack Your Adjectives".

The greatest joy of reliving these cartoon classics was watching my three year old son, Kyle, sit in front of the television, mesmerized by "Conjunction Junction" and "Interjections". Hopefully, it will start him down the road of learning-he already loves visiting the local library-and keep him away from the all-too-common view that school is a chore.

Is She Kidding?

Someone get some slings for the Democrats' arms. They've sprained them while patting themselves on the back again . . .

WASHINGTON - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi used the Democrats' weekly radio address Saturday to tout her party's passage of legislation to implement major recommendations of the 9/11 Commission.

The House passed the bill Friday on a 371-40 vote, a day after the Senate passed it 85-8. The White House said the president would sign it.

The legislation would shift money to high-risk states and cities, expand screening of air and sea cargo and put money into a new program to ensure that security officials at every level can communicate with each other.

Its passage ranks among the top accomplishments of the 6-month-old Democratic Congress. Republicans would say it's one of the few.

"We will have done in six months what previous Congresses failed to do for almost six years," said Pelosi, D-Calif. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Um, Nance, would you mind if I 'splained a few things?

First of all, this is the first and only meaningful legislation your party has passed since you came to power. Is it good legislation? Sure it is, but it has done little to overshadow the idiocy and incompetence of your "sleep over" and your unending Iraqi troop withdraw proposals.

Secondly, your party did just as much as the Republicans in getting this legislation through Congress. Unless you folks own 371 House seats, and 85 Senate seats, the GOP could easily be patting themselves on the back, as well. Nice try, though, since too many people in this country believe everything that comes out of your thoroughly-wrinkled mouth.

Finally, the fact that it is good legislation has everything to do with its passage, and almost nothing to do with your party's part in it. Congress voted for this because it was smart, common sense legislation - something rare for The Hill. Few, if any, people voted for it because of the Democrats' spooky, Svengali-like powers.

Nance, if you want to take credit for this, be my guest. But don't you dare to take it all! You and your party didn't deserve it.

Knee-ding Some Answers

So, yesterday I hobbled over to the medical center for my X-ray and MRI. Since my hockey blowout happened almost two weeks ago now, it was high time for some answers. The X-ray was up first, and although the nurse that was manning the machine was uber-hot, she didn't exactly have a feather touch. The session consisting of her pulling and pushing my leg into funny angles, and me yelping like a dog. It was a joy.

When I recovered from that sadism, it was time for the MRI. I heard stories about this behemoth - "It's loud," "It takes forever," "It can suck the blood out of your body if you have a high iron count" - but although the thing was huge, it didn't seem too terrible. The tech came in and said, "Would you like to hear some music?" I said, "Sure," which was the right answer, because the tech responded, "This thing is really loud, and the procedure lasts a half hour."

Eh, what?

The next thing I know, I'm sitting halfway inside this machine, listening to Billy Joel - I guess they didn't have The Ramones - and fighting off the worst-case scenarios that are flying through my puny little mind:

• "They're gonna find something is torn."
• "My hockey career is over."
• "I won't be able to play with my kids again."
  

You know, the standard Wyatt overreaction. I don't know if it was the stress of the whole thing, or just that it had been an exhausting week, but I ended up dozing of by the end of the procedure. (Anyone who knows me knows that I can pretty much sleep through anything.) The session ended, and the tech came in. He said that the results would be at my doctor's office in two business days, so I made an appointment for Wednesday morning. When I told Captain America this, he responded with his usual care and concern:

"TWO DAYS??? What is this, Cuba???"

Hopefully, I will know exactly what is wrong by Wednesday afternoon.

The Blogger Reflection Award

One of the problems with being so insecure is that when a person writes something nice about you, you don't know how to appropriately respond. Such is the case here, as Scully from Skywritings nominated me for a Blogger Reflection Award. Here is what she wrote about little ol' me:

The Poet Victor Hugo wrote of the people in his home town "you loved them well and they remain, still with nothing to do, no money no will". As I contemplate all the places I have lived due to my work, it occurs to me that one of my failings is this. I never really stayed in one place long enough develop a connection to a city to the point I'd put my life out there on the line for it's people, with all their flaws and foibles, and not expect a whole lot in return, except someone shooting at me or cutting my budget. SYLG is a Police Detective in the big city of Philly, which he writes of with clarity and patience, as well as the things he loves about his life there. He writes with a submerged sense of the absurd that rises to the surface for air, providing us a glimpse of genuine wit and soul when it does.

And now I can retire SYLG, because that is officially the nicest thing anyone has ever written about me and/or this crime scene I call a blog. (I'm kidding, please don't send me e-mail!) I wish I could adequately express my appreciation for such kind words, but I am afraid that I am at a loss. In lieu of reciprocal praise, if everyone would please overload Scully's blog with hits today, I would be most grateful.

Of course, what kind of recipient would I be if I didn't follow the rules? Here they are:

1. Copy this post (meaning the rules).
2. Reflect on five bloggers and write a least a paragraph about each one.
3. Make sure you link this post so others can read it and the rules.
4. Go leave your chosen bloggers a comment and let them know they’ve been given the award.
5. Put the award icon on your site.

"This award should make you reflect on five bloggers who have been an encouragement, a source of love, impacted you in some way, and have been a Godly example to you. Five Bloggers who when you reflect on them you get a sense of pride and joy . . . of knowing them and being blessed by them.”

Okay, me and The Lord don't exactly see eye-to-eye. Besides, all of the best bloggers are affiliated with Satan. However, I'm pretty sure I can wrangle up five bloggers who meet the criteria. Here goes . . .

RT from Public Pondering. RT is SYLG's number-one stalker; and I say that with the utmost respect. Even when I post some boring claptrap that makes people want to retch, she is always there to post an enlightening comment. I converted her to the Dark Side - read: Blogger - almost a year ago, and she has really shined. I consider her the Bill Bennett of the blogosphere: she is well-informed and well-spoken, without being a sarcastic smart ass like some people. What? Why is everyone looking at me?

Damian G. from Conservathink. Damian is one of those Ned Flanders Jesus-types; and I actually say that with respect. Politically, he is in the far right lane, but his posts are entertaining and informative to those out in left field. His intelligence belies his youth, and it's refreshing to hear someone his age not ranting about Paris Hilton or American Idol.

Miriam from Miriam's Ideas. Miriam is a rare find: witty and intelligent (she's a librarian, after all) with a side order of sarcasm. In a recent post entitled, "Jews don't want to run the world," she began with, "We've been running the world long enough, and we're tired." Now, that's funny! She's also a rarity in the blogosphere because she can perfectly summarize the point she's trying to make with refreshing brevity.

Deathlok from The Temerity of High Maintenance. You would never figure a comic book geek/Government slacker to be involved in his church, but Deathlok aptly juggles his time between The Bible and Iron Man previews. Deathlok is a laugh riot who also happens to know more about pop culture than everyone I know put together. The master of Quizzo gets a nomination from me.

JimmyB from The Conservative UAW Guy. JimmyB likes guns. In a related story, SYLG often states the obvious. In those rare moments when he's not cuddling with his firepower or posting about how liberal moonbats are a waste of skin, Jimmy is a thoughtful, provocative blogger. I sometimes imagine him repeating this line from A Few Good Men: "I have two books at my bedside, Lieutenant: the Marine Corps Code of Conduct and the King James Bible. The only proper authorities I am aware of are my commanding officer, Colonel Nathan R. Jessep, and the Lord our God." Believe me, JimmyB is one of those few good men.

Weekend Caption Contest

Dopes Against Doping Caption Contest
(Source: AFP)

Original Caption: Denouncing doping : (From R) Young students Michael, Arthur, Nicolas and Quentin are dressed-up in huge syringes they made with cardboard, to denounce doping before the start of the 17th stage of the 94th Tour de France cycling race between Pau and Castelsarrasin. (AFP/Joel Saget)

Other Current Contests:
Bagel Blogger
Bullwinkle Blog
Cowboy Blob
Gone Rick Motel (I won here last week!!!)
GOP and College
Right Pundits
Rodney Dill
RT
WILLisms
Wizbang

Photoshop Entries:
Cowboy Blob










Top Ten Entries:
10. Four guys just out looking for some ass. - Dr. Phat Tony
9. "Hey guys, I don't think we have our remake of the Abbey Road album cover quite right just yet!" - Uncle Ray
8. After a positive dope test and a promise to STAY AWAY FROM DRUGS . . . came the solution . . . SIX FOOT SYRINGES! - Scully
7. A group of Pink Floyd fans gather before a concert. - DragonLady474
6. "Hey dude, we may be needle-heads, but that's better than being a needle-____." - BobG
5. With that many pinheads, it must be a Democratic Party meeting. - JimmyB
4. Four European pricks: Future EU leaders? - RT
3. Looks like an innocuous group. - Rodney Dill
2. Three out of four French syringes agree: Barry Bonds has a great ass. - Cowboy Blob

WINNER! - The Wiggles, touring in Amsterdam, introduce some catchy songs for the kids about the legal use of heroin. - Vincent Antonelli

The Vader Sessions

The things you see when you're surfing YouTube after midnight . . . This is a little long, but worth it: trust me!

Enter Sandman

What a day. Actually, it is more accurate to write "What a night," since last night was a long one. Here are the highlights of my last 24 hours:

1. After work, I had the pleasure of taking Kyle to his fourth street hockey game. So far this season, Kyle's team was 1-3, and he had a total of 3 goals and 3 assists. Today was going to be a banner day for The Boy, though. Although his team was down by four goals in the first period, Kyle helped them storm back by scoring 3 goals - that's his first hat trick, gang - and 1 assist. His team won the game by a score of 10-9. It's official: at 6, he's more talented than I am now.
   
2. When the game was over, I trekked to Manny Brown's with The Badger, his brother Sean, and Sean's wife for Quizzo. It's the first time I had been present in months, and I was anxious to get to winning. Unfortunately, I sucked on ice. Although I was still the go-to guy when it comes to movies, I blew a few easy questions in the later rounds. We had to settle for third place. Sean got the biggest laughs of the night when he thought that the "Night escorts for the Underground Railroad" were named "Uncle Toms." Nice.
3. After Quizzo, I stayed at the bar downing Guinness with Badger until 1am. By the time I got home, it was after 2am, and I had to be up for work at 0545. Three hours sleep and a hangover is not conducive to good detective work. After sleepwalking through the first few hours, I snapped out of my funk just in time to go home. Heh. Tomorrow, I took a vacation day because of my injured knee.
4. Speaking of Wounded Knee - that's an Indian joke, son - the X-ray and the MRI are both scheduled for tomorrow at 1pm. If you're a religious type, say a little prayer for me - I think I'm going to need it. I am hoping for the best, but am preparing for the worst.
   

So, how was your day?

People I Hate

It's a terrific Thursday morning in Philadelphia. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and bees are trying to have sex with them . . . as is my understanding. What better forum for this week's edition of People I Hate?

Britney Spears

The poster girl for White Trash Monthly is at it again. And this time, she's pissing off others in the entertainment world, namely, OK! Magazine:

NEW YORK - Britney Spears sat back and watched as her Yorkshire terrier puppy pooped on a $6,700 designer gown at a photo shoot for OK! magazine.

Spears also wiped grease on a designer dress, treating it like "a napkin," took frequent trips to the bathroom " leaving the door open " and complained that the high-end clothing put together for the July 19 fashion shoot weren't sexy, short or tight enough, the magazine said.

After about three hours, the 25-year-old singer bolted, walking away with more than $14,000 of borrowed apparel, Ivens said. (H/T - Yahoo!)

So let's see. Pooping on your dress? Check. Using said dress for a napkin to wipe up fried chicken grease? Check. Taking a dump in full view of everyone? Check. Stealing $14,000 worth of gaudy clothes? Check. Congratulations, Brit, you just embarrassed yourself more colorfully than Lindsay Lohan. Idiot.

Idiot Callers

Picture this little scenario. You're working in the busiest detective division in one of the most crime-riddled (and bullet-riddled) cities in America. The jobs keep rolling in, and the phone is ringing off the hook with legitimate inquiries.

And then it happens.

"Detective Division, may I help you?"
"Yeah, someone called my phone."

"Okay, which detective called you?"
"I don't know. This number was just on my caller ID."

"There wasn't a message?"
"No. Now, who called me?"

It's about here that your head explodes. For some bizarre reason, the morons who breathe air in my division cannot rest until they know the origin of every phone call they have ever received since birth. Maybe it was a wrong number. Maybe the detective was unable to leave a message. Or, better yet, MAYBE THE DETECTIVE WILL CALL BACK AFTER HE ANSWERS 100 OF THESE INANE PHONE CALLS!

Lindsay Lohan

Yeah, I know I already have trailer trash in this week's post, but I had to include Drunky LaRue. Why? Because she is so used to criminality, that she's taking excuses right out of the Toad Handbook. Lindsay said (and I quote):

"Yes. I am innocent . . . did not do drugs they're not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin's mom. I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy."

"They're not mine." Uh-huh. Even if you were a decent actress I wouldn't believe that tripe. Ass.

Michael Vick

If Atlanta football fans don't shun this piece of detritus, they should be ashamed of themselves. Vick is facing federal dogfighting charges - in my opinion, the punishment for a guilty verdict should be death - but according to a friend, he doesn't see the what all the hubbub's about.

"I wouldn't say he's delusional about the problem, but I don't think he sees it as being as big a deal as everybody else," the associate said. "He thinks it's going to blow over eventually … He doesn't know how deep this goes."

Please God, let his jury - hopefully comprised of a dozen talking dogs - read this statement before his trial.

Hits Are Down Today

Could the reason be the lack of recent photos of fabulous babes? Or did everyone finally realize that I don't have any talent? Probably a little from Column A and a little from Column B. When I am faced with such a quandary, I've found that extreme measures are needed to rectify the problem. Time to pull out the heavy hitter, now co-starring in "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry," Jessica Biel.

Oh, and if anyone has scrolled down past the picture, I figured I'd let y'all know that the Haloscan comments are acting funky again.

Radio4Bauer!

Just when you thought it was safe to surf the airwaves . . .

Jim, my counterpart from Blogs4Bauer, and the driving force behind bRight&Early had an idea today. And, as he explained, it was different than his usual "Dr. Pepper drinking/beer drinking idea." This one was a winner, he claimed.

Thus began the creation of Radio4Bauer. Jim set up a channel for the B4B Crew - I guess that means me as well - at BlogTalkRadio and we may launch the first broadcast as early as this weekend. Since we are between seasons, much of the conversation will center upon a Season 6 wrap-up, and what me be looming ahead for Jack in Season 7.

When you check out the Radio4Bauer link, you will also notice a call-in number. I mean, it's Talk Radio, people!!! Listener participation is encouraged, and with some good word of mouth - and a little luck - we'll be in full swing by the start of Season 7.

And before you start telling people, "Wyatt's going to be famous!," stop right there. It was a fluke that I was invited to blog at B4B in the first place - they were trying to invite Deathlok, but mixed up our addresses - and I am not about to push my luck. The last thing anyone needs is to hear a mental defective who can barely put a sentence together spouting off on the air. I will most likely be the "silent partner."

Besides my only qualifications for this are that I have a "face for radio."

(By the way, Blogs4Bauer is MOVING. Please make a note of it.)

Your Wednesday Dose Of Insensitivity

The reference to They Live on yesterday's John Street post really took me back. It is possibly my favorite John Carpenter film - with the obvious exception of Escape from New York, which Captain America bought for me the other day - and one of the few that was emulated on an episode of South Park. "Cripple Fight" is an exact blow-by-blow recreation of the "Rowdy" Roddy Piper-Keith David brawl . . . and just as entertaining.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "Cripple Fight."


Please send your hate mail to Wyatt Earp, c/o WheelieBlog.org.

Damn, I Was Really Expecting 100%

You Are 68% Abnormal

You are at high risk for being a psychopath. It is very likely that you have no soul. You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at high risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is very likely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at high risk for having a social phobia. It is very likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at medium risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is somewhat likely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

I found this after taking Rachel's Pure Test.

Lindsay Lo-Bail

This is the most surprising story I have seen since I heard that Michael Moore was fat:

SANTA MONICA, Calif - Lindsay Lohan, who just finished a second stint in rehab for substance abuse treatment, was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving early Tuesday, authorities said.

Lohan, who is already facing a drunken driving charge in Beverly Hills, was pulled over near the Santa Monica Police Department after authorities spotted her car chasing another, said Sgt. Shane Talbot. Authorities conducted a field sobriety test and then transported her to the police department.

The 21-year-old actress was booked on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol, driving on a suspended license and possession of cocaine, among other charges, Talbot said.

Police found cocaine in one of her pants pockets during a pre-booking search, Talbot said. (H/T - Yahoo!)

I almost feel sorry for this toad. Then I tell myself she's an elitist Hollywood skank that wouldn't cross the street to spit upon a "commoner" like myself. Have fun in prison, Lindsay. Maybe you'll like being someone else's "bitch."

An Important Message From "America's Mayor"

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. My name is John Street, and I am the mayor of Philadelphia - the safest city in America!

What's that? Did I hear you scoff at my claim? It's true, I tell you. Sure, we have had a few - 234 to be exact - bumps in our Road to Safety, but like I always say, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.

While I admit that the city's murder rate has been slowly increasing, I have been working tirelessly to improve the quality of life for the citizens of this great metropolis. My progressive initiatives include "Take Your Ballistic Vest to Work Day," "Armored Car Pool Fridays," and my favorite: "Subliminal Building Advertising."

With the SBA Plan,we will eliminate the city's homicide rate in one fell swoop. And we will do it in only one calendar year. Preposterous, you say? I disagree. In a truly original idea, I will be strategically placing billboards all across the city. These billboards, like the prototypes on the right, will pummel our most violent citizens with peaceful messages, such as the following:

• "Love one another."
• "Guns are bad, Mmm-kay?"
• "Shoot pool, not guns."
  

Brilliant, no? It is my belief that the effects of the SBA Plan will show immediate results in our poorer communities, and it may even encourage the law enforcement community to throw down their arms. If these trends continue, Philadelphia will be a safe haven, nay, a Utopia, for all the peoples of the world. And I will, deservedly, receive all of the credit!

And how do I expect to pay for all of this? Easy. We will be laying off 500 Philadelphia Police Officers immediately. Good night, and good luck!

I Got It!

I didn't even know I was in the running!

Genial comic Drew Carey was tapped Monday to replace silver-haired legend Bob Barker on the CBS daytime game show "The Price is Right." The deal was set Monday afternoon shortly before a taping of CBS' "Late Show" with David Letterman, where he confirmed it.

"I realize what a big responsibility this is," he said. "It's only a game show, but it's the longest-running game show in American television and I plan to keep it that way."

See, I mention this story because some of the wiseasses I used to work with thought I looked like Mr. Carey. "Dead ringer" was the term they used. Bastards. I think Carey will bring some personality to Randal Graves' favorite game show, which has been sorely lacking during the Barker years. Now, if only Drew can find some animal to neuter . . . Maybe Rosie O'Donnell?

And personally, I think I look a little more like Dilbert, but that's just me.

Cry Havoc!

And let slip the dogs of war. - Bill Shakespeare

Philadelphia’s murder rate is gaining national attention as it continues to climb following a deadly weekend. During a news conference Monday police said 37 shootings in 72 hours left six people dead, bringing the city's murder rate to 232 homicides for the year.

"Homicide is working around the clock to gather witnesses to find out what happened," said Philadelphia Police Commissioner Sylvester Johnson. "We had absolutely no witnesses in none of the homicides. No one has come forward at all."

Lack of witnesses is a growing trend in Philadelphia making crime solving difficult.

"It is very discouraging that people don't come forward. Not realizing that they are safer with the person in custody than the person still walking the street," Johnson said. (H/T - CBS3)

For those of you not keeping count - or not checking out First In's Murder Meter - Philadelphia's homicide count now stands at 234. And it's only July 23rd. At this rate, we will shatter last year's number of 406. Shatter it!

Meanwhile, the idiots and mental defectives that occupy Philadelphia City Council are suing the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania for not allowing the city to make its own gun laws! I guess City Council is upset about that pesky State's Rights thing. Unfortunately, while City Council is fiddling in court, Rome is burning with cordite. What the politicians (mostly Democrats - go figure) do not understand is that they could completely outlaw guns within the city limits, a la Tombstone in 1881, and the homicides will continue. Why?

BECAUSE THE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE HOMICIDES ARE NOT DOING IT WITH LEGAL GUNS!!! THEY ARE EITHER STRAW PURCHASES OR OUTRIGHT STOLEN!!!

Good grief, how many times have I written those sentences here in the last two years? If and when Philadelphia City Council stops grandstanding in favor of utilizing some common sense, maybe a better solution will be forthcoming.

Don't hold your breath.

Another Steak-Out

Yesterday was Sunday Blogger Fun Day in Philadelphia.

I was lucky enough to meet three very influential members of the blogosphere who were in my neck of the woods. Right Wing Prof from Right Wing Nation, Sebastian from Snowflakes in Hell, and Bitter from The Bitch Girls were slumming with this hack in South Philly yesterday. And what better way to spend a weekend than by chowing down on Geno's Steaks? For the record, I ordered a "whiz, wit."

Although the trio's talent and daily hit counts dwarf mine, the couldn't have been nicer. And suffice to say, I felt like the Ringo to their Rest of the Beatles. We talked at length about everything from politics to road rage, with a little gun pr0n and movie reviews sprinkled in between. The weather was warm, the sun was shining, and the company was great. All in all it was a damned good day.

I should get out of the house and meet other bloggers more often!

Music And Lyrics

For the past two days, I have been filling up my new mp3 player with some kickass tune-age. While doing so, I came across the works of one of my favorite bands, The B-52's (above). I shot through a few songs, decided to play "Dance This Mess Around," and actually listened to the lyrics.

And then I heard one of the greatest lines of all time:

"Why don't you dance with me? I'm not no Limburger."

Even though I have heard the song a million times, that line never stuck out in my mind. Eerie. It's a strange one - I guess Kate Pierson is trying to say she doesn't stink like the cheese of the same name - but it's a great one at the same time.

Anyone else have a great/bizarre lyric they want to share?

The Meme That Would Not Die

Well, even though I surrendered to this meme twice already - Look at the bright side: I'm popular! - I am about to do so again, thanks to InsoluBlog. There is no way in hell that I am posting the rules, and there's no way in hell I am tagging anyone else, but out of respect for my Massachusetts pal, I shall proceed . . .

For those of you with short memories, the topic is Eight Random Facts About Yourself. I'll try and stick to the job.

• I never shot at anyone, but I came very close once. The slack was out of the trigger pull, and I was seconds away from blasting a toad who appeared to be raping a woman. He had her against the wall, with something to her throat. Turns out it was his girlfriend, and they were just "arguing." The couple thought it was "funny."
• I ran into a burning building once. I had to make sure the occupants were out, but it was a stupid thing to do. I wouldn't recommend it, especially if you have occasional asthma attacks, like me.
  
• My patrol car was shot at a few times while on midnight patrol in "The Badlands." I'd love to say I shrugged it off, but it scared the hell out of me.
• Despite the fact that we're the 6th largest police department in the country, Philadelphia does not have voice mail or internet access for its detectives. Yet we're supposed to move mountains with outdated tools.
• The movies are right: most Federal Agents are uptight jerkoffs who think Philly detectives are beneath them. Scully, this does not apply to you.
• My best arrest involved a robbery, point of gun. The doer robbed a young woman after sticking a gun to her head, then fled the scene. I chased the guy five blocks, tackled him on Lehigh Avenue, and recovered the woman's belongings and the gun. The doer was found guilty and sentenced to 15-20 years.
• My worst score during annual pistol qualification was a 94. My best? 100.
• You can count Philly's truly attractive female police officers on two hands.
  

There ya go, Insol. Hope you approve.

Live Free Or Die Hard

Maggie Q. Yummy personified!

Despite my hobbled status, I was able to go out with my good friend - and Erik's Godfather - Bill to see Live Free of Die Hard tonight. Although I wanted to see Transformers, I figured this would be a decent substitute. I was correct in my assumption.

Timothy Olyphant was a pretty good villain, but his partner in crime, Maggie Q, stole the film. Hot and lethal, she is one of my new faves. Justin Long climbed aboard for comic relief, much as Samuel L. Jackson did in the third film. He didn't take away from the film, and had some nice lines. This will never top the original Die Hard, but in my opinion, it was probably second best. I'd give it 3 bullets out of 5.

And now, a few random thoughts . . .

* Why would Justin Long's computer-hacker character live in the armpit of the East Coast, Camden, New Jersey? No one chooses to live in Camden, which is right across the Delaware River from Philly, people just end up there.

* Kevin Smith has a medium-sized role in the film, playing a computer hacker with a lust for all things Star Wars. Must have been quite a stretch for him.

* Nice helicopter shots of Philly, guys. I guess with 226 homicides, it was safer to film from the air.

By the way, Deathlok has a pretty good, non-spoiler review HERE. But not until after I post another shot of Maggie:

Harry Potter Mania!

With the release of J.K. Rowling's final installment of the Harry Potter series, and the success of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Potter Mania abounds. Luckily, I have uncovered some secrets from the new book. Enjoy!

The Top Five Secrets of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

5. Hogwarts School does not allow black students.
4. Ron Weasley was expelled for abusing his "magic wand."
3. Dumbledore only wishes he was dead: he's spending time in Cleveland.
2. Hermione Granger? Post-op transsexual.

And the number one secret of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is . . .

1. Harry Potter has perfect eyesight. The glasses are a fashion statement.

Knob Hockey: Rod Brind'Amour

This one's for RT. Funny, funny stuff.

Weekend Caption Contest

Agent Skelly Caption Contest
(Source: AFP)

Other Current Contests:
Bullwinkle Blog (I won here last week!!!)
Cowboy Blob
Deathlok
Gone Rick Motel
GOP and College
Right Pundits
Rodney Dill
RT
WILLisms (I took 2nd Place here last week!)
Wizbang



Photoshop Entries:

Cowboy Blob







Top Ten Entries:
10. Sweep the Leg! - Randal Graves
9. Dammit, I thought I ordered a #14 with fried rice. - The Man
8. Burger King finally replaces it's uber-creepy king with something far less disturbing. - JimmyB
7.It started out like any other case. A client was paying me to dig up some dirt on a broad named Hillary Clinton. Little did I know that the skeletons in her closet were armed. - John D
6. This is what happens when the military orders night vision goggles from the back of comic books. - Jim
5. Cowboy Blob's Photoshop.
4. Joel Schumaker's remake of Jason and the Argonauts began filming today. . . . - Deathlok
3. You may be able to buy the gun, but you still must have the guts to pull the trigger. - Scully
2. The ungrateful dead. - Rodney Dill

WINNER! - The Philly Police: a bare-bones operation under Sylvester Johnson! - TrekMedic

A Knee To The Groin

For all of you Wyatt Haters out there - and there are a lot of you - I have good news: my ice hockey career may be over.

It appears that the injury I suffered during Tuesday night's hockey game is much more severe than I first thought. So much so, that when I went to the doctor's office for my quarterly cholesterol check - It's down! - I asked him to take a look at it.

Apparently, he didn't like what he saw.

He did preliminary tests on my ACL and MCL, and both seemed okay. That was good, since a torn ligament would mean certain death for my playing days. However, when he asked my to lift the leg, I screamed after raising it an inch or so. His response: "It hurts that much after that little movement?" Note to Doc: Patients do not want to see incredulous looks during an exam! Long story short: I need an x-ray and an MRI. If the MRI shows damage, it'll be time to hang up my skates after twenty years.

The good news is that although my Spring Season is now over, the Winter Season doesn't start until late September. If the damage is minimal, I may be ready to play by then. If the damage is severe - or, God forbid, something that requires surgery - I'm done. I'll still come to the games and watch my teammates from the stands, but I won't like it.

Simply stated, without ice hockey, I'll feel like dying.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to cry myself to sleep.

People I Hate

Bile-filled Thursday, everyone! It's hot, humid, and rainy here in Philly; the perfect conditions for this week's edition of PIH. And away we go!

Covert CIA Hitwoman Valerie Plame

Plame, the nation's most top-secret superspy - claiming over a hundred kills with a swizzle stick - had her lawsuit against the Bush administration dismissed today. U.S. District Judge John D. Bates dismissed the case on jurisdictional grounds, which claimed that the administration violated Plame's privacy rights. I, for one, am horrified by this decision! Valerie Plame's right to privacy was brutally attacked by the evil conservatives inside the White House. This is slap in the face of justice! No Roger, no Rerun, no rent!!!

Plame has suffered immensely as a result of Richard Armitage's security leak - even though Scooter Libby is, for some reason, paying the price for it. Her career is ruined - even though you cannot open up a newspaper without seeing her visage plastered all over it. Her privacy is destroyed - even though she has been seen with her husband on the cover of national magazines. And the world's most successful covert operative - even though no one is able (or willing) to explain how Plame was a "covert CIA operative."

I reckon I'll just assume she was America's version of James Bond.

Michael Smerconish

This tool/Philly radio host makes PIH almost as often as Philly Mayor John Street does. And they're both equally inept. In today's Philadelphia Daily News, Smerconish waxes poetic - for the umpteenth time - about the Iraq War:

TV pundits, radio commentators, newspaper columnists and Internet bloggers all proclaim their views on what to do in Iraq. On different days, I play each of those roles. But the only thing I know for sure is what I don't know.

You got that right, you dope. As a former listener, I can tell you with certainty that Smerconish doesn't know a whole lot about himself, or his audience. The people of Philadelphia respond to people who take a stand, and not some idiot who changes his opinion according to public opinion. First, Smerconish was almost rabidly conservative. As his popularity in the MSM grew, his opinions changed with the wind. (And believe me, Smerconish sure blows.) While he was becoming the media darling - guest hosting for the talking heads at MSNBC and writing for the DN - he started eating healthy helpings of liberalism. Soon, he was ripping the Bush administration, the Iraq War, and enough "conservative" issues that many longtime fans started tuning out. And rightly so.

Look, I would respect this guy a lot more if he would stand by his opinions, whatever they may be. If he wants to be a "conservative," then he should make that clear. If he wants to be a "liberal," he should make that clear, as well. Unfortunately for the listeners of the Delaware Valley, Smerconish sold out his views to attract an audience from both sides of the aisle.

Barbara Streisand

(No photo here, folks. I know it's almost dinnertime.)

Ya just gotta love it when the Brits start ripping apart "America's Sweetheart." After explaining away her ridiculously high concert ticket prices with "Because I'm worth it," Streisand allegedly sucked eggs in her recent U.K. performance:

The slow-handclapping started in the £600 seats. Not, of course at having been made to pay so much for what, after all, was a mere concert, or at the sheer greed which meant they were asked for an extra £25 for a shoddy programme. No, the slow-handclapping was because Barbra Streisand was late, albeit just half an hour late. They really should try waiting for Pete Doherty one very long evening ...

For a moment, though, it was as if Streisand - whose demands have even ruffled the Dorchester's usually unperturbable feathers - had a mutiny on her hands. Then, such is the magic of music and music sung by probably (if we forget Ella Fitzgerald) the 20th century's finest female voice, before she had finished caressing the first line of the opening Starting Here, Starting Now, everyone had forgiven her everything.

Good God, what can I possibly add to that? Okay, maybe a "Bawahahaha!!!"

Roaming Charges Are A Thing Of The Past

Apparently, Verizon is introducing a cell phone that one can utilize while walking the mean streets of Philadelphia. But what kind of phone can give you peace of mind amidst 223 homicides, you ask? Here ya go . . .


Cue the sounds of JimmyB, Cowboy Blob, and Scully running to their local gun stores! Heh. (H/T - Bill)

This Date In History

It boggles my mind that the idiots in Massachusetts keep re-electing this clod. Let's hear "Uncle Ted" remind us in his own words what happened on July 18, 1969:

"Little over one mile away, the car that I was driving on the unlit road went off a narrow bridge which had no guard rails and was built on a left angle to the road. The car overturned in a deep pond and immediately filled with water. I remember thinking as the cold water rushed in around my head that I was for certain drowning. Then water entered my lungs and I actual felt the sensation of drowning. But somehow I struggled to the surface alive.

I made immediate and repeated efforts to save Mary Jo by diving into strong and murky current, but succeeded only in increasing my state of utter exhaustion and alarm. My conduct and conversations during the next several hours, to the extent that I can remember them, make no sense to me at all.

Although my doctors informed me that I suffered a cerebral concussion, as well as shock, I do not seek to escape responsibility for my actions by placing the blame either in the physical, emotional trauma brought on by the accident, or on anyone else. I regard as indefensible the fact that I did not report the accident to the policy immediately."

Mary Jo Kopechne was unavailable for comment.

It Takes A Thief

Well, that's the last time I post a video from the movie Miracle.

Whatever motivation we had going in to last night's hockey game was swiftly crushed when we hit the locker room. Only eight of our fifteen skaters decided to show up last night, which meant that we would be playing the undefeated Death Dealers with only three subs. Marvelous.

The Death Dealers are easily a "B" League team with a few "A" League players on their roster as well. They have cut through this league like a Jameson through Vinnie's liver, and are currently 9-0. They have outscored their opponents 62-15! Why are they in a "C" League, you ask? Because the tools who run the Flyers Skate Zone (Northeast) just want your money. They couldn't care less if a season is ridiculously imbalanced.

So, we plodded through the game, mostly watching these semi-pros whoop our collective tails. Their slowest skater was twice as fast as our swiftest skater, and their worst puckhandler made our best look like a toddler. It was a disgrace, and the game was soon out of hand. By the time the much-anticipated final horn sounded, they had crushed us into submission by a score of 10-4. Unreal.

To make matters worse, I forgot to wear my knee brace, which took away what little speed - very little - I possess. Playing defense, I was merely a pylon for these "C" League Superstars to skate past. I woke up today in excruciating pain, and cannot put any weight on my left leg while standing or climbing stairs. "Well gee, Wyatt, it couldn't get any worse, right?"

Wrong.

Before the game, we wondered why we weren't given the requisite locker room key. They usually supply one so you can leave your valuables - keys, money, pictures of Emma Laaksonen - in the room. Our room was unlocked before our game began. Since we weren't supplied with a key, we couldn't secure the room. But, we thought, since we are the last game, no one will be around to root through our stuff, right?

Wrong.

When we got to the bar to drown our post-game sorrows, Vinnie ordered our usual pints of Guinness. He opened his wallet, and freaked. "I'm missing $100!" He frantically looked on the floor, then out in the parking lot for his money. No dice. Badger then said he'd cover it, but when he looked into his wallet, he had only a few ones. Most of the $50-plus he was carrying was also gone. Coincidence eliminated. When Fish and I checked our wallets, we were also short. Fish was missing about $100, and I was missing somewhere between $40 and $70. All in all, some jerkoff got the four of us for $300, easy.

I immediately called Randal and asked him to check his wallet. Luckily, he was spared - primarily because he hides his stuff well. His mistrust of his fellow man came in handy this night. We're still waiting to hear if any of our teammates were victims of the theft.

As a detective, I was unbelievably pissed off. First of all, I was a moron for not securing my valuables. Serves me right. Second of all, I was lucky I hadn't been taken for much more. My shield, police ID, and credit cards were in there. Had they been stolen, I'd be up the creek. Finally, my helplessness in this matter was unacceptable. Badger was texting Jenn the Librarian, who responded, "You should have called the cops!" His response: "Wyatt IS the cops!" Unfortunately, there was little I could do, since a locker room used by a hundred people in a given day is not exactly the most preserved crime scene.

As a hockey player, I was even more pissed off. The only people who could have committed the thefts are the employees of FLYERS SKATE ZONE (NORTHEAST) or the two or three spectators in the stands. I can't accuse anyone with surety, but I thought it odd that the one time we don't receive a locker room key is also the one time our team gets our money stolen.

Personally, I think someone at FLYERS SKATE ZONE (NORTHEAST) owes our team an explanation . . . or at least an apology.