Weekend Caption Contest

"Cirque de So-Gay Caption Contest
(Source: Reuters)

Original Caption: Cirque du Soleil artists perform during the "Delirium" show presentation in Lisbon's Atlantic pavillion November 28, 2007.

Other Current Contests:
Bullwinkle Blog
Cowboy Blob
Gone Rick Motel
Right Pundits (I WON here last week!!!)
Rodney Dill (I took 3rd Place here last week!)
RT
Wizbang

Top Five Entries:
5. You ever see in the "straight" circus, the act where there's a little car and all the clowns come rolling out of it? These guys have the same act, just without the little car. - Vincent Antonelli
4. 300: The Musical! - Crankipants
3. Gay snow flake falls in San Francisco. - VampireKlown
2. NFL teams are starting to put together more elaborate defenses in an attempt to slow the Patriots Tom Brady and Randy Moss show. - Rodney Dill

WINNER! - The Star of Gayvid! - Deathlok

Evel Knievel, 1938-2007

America has lost an icon.

(CNN) -- Evel Knievel, the motorcycle daredevil whose stunts -- including an attempted leap over Idaho's Snake River Canyon -- made him a popular cultural figure, is dead, according to his Web site, evelknievel.com. He was 69.

Over his career, Knievel was said to have broken practically every bone in his body -- some multiple times. With his red-white-and-blue jumpsuits, shock of hair and stone-faced mein, he was a fixture on ABC's program "Wide World of Sports" in the 1970s, his stunts perennial ratings-grabbers.

Knievel's most famous stunt was probably an attempt to jump the quarter-mile wide Snake River Canyon in 1974 on his rocket-powered "Sky-Cycle." (He had hoped to jump the Grand Canyon, but couldn't get permission.) The attempt failed, but the publicity was priceless. His fame even spawned a movie, "Viva Knievel!" in 1977.

Robert Craig Knievel was born October 17, 1938, in Butte, Montana. (H/T - CNN)

Captain America has a terrific write-up of this story HERE.

I can still remember watching the Snake River Canyon jump with my Dad. Curiously, I had just blogged about Knievel yesterday, and today he is dead? Does this blog have the power supreme? Let's find out . . .

Whoopi Goldberg told Larry King that she would be retiring from acting in October . . .

Hostages Taken At Clinton Campaign Office

Volunteers at Hillary Clinton's Rochester, New Hampshire campaign office are being held hostage by a man with a bomb duct-taped to his chest. The man is demanding to speak to Hillary. The standoff is continuing.

A man walked into the office at about 1 p.m., Maj. Michael Hambrook of the New Hampshire State Police told CNN affiliate WMUR-TV. Hambrook and Clinton campaign officials said two people were believed to be inside at the time.

Shortly before 2 p.m., police officers were gathered across the street from the office, some kneeling behind police cruisers with guns drawn.

Witnesses described the man as in his 40s with salt-and-pepper hair, WMUR reported.

A woman and her baby were released by the hostage-taker, the woman told workers at a nearby business, according to the WMUR Web site.

Clinton, a candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination, is in the Washington area. She was scheduled to speak at 3 p.m. at a Democratic National Committee event, but canceled the talk because of the situation, DNC Chairman Howard Dean said. (H/T -CNN)

I am by no means a fan of Clinton's, but no one deserves this. Certainly not the good people who volunteered their time to help with the campaign. I realize that the Rochester Police Department is not trolling the blogs for suggestions, but here are a few things that they absolutely must consider:

• Take your time. You have plenty of it, so think everything through before you act.
• Attempt to talk to the offender and calm him down. A nervous hostage-taker is a dangerous one.
• Get the media as far away from the office as possible. This man wants to be on television. Take that away from him, and he may negotiate.
• Finally, DO NOT under any circumstances allow Hillary Clinton to talk to this man. In fact, when interviewed, she should not even address the situation until the standoff is over. Hillary is not a hostage negotiator, and one wrong word may cost someone their life.
  

Some may think that Hillary doesn't care about the hostages if she refuses to speak to the man. Those people are dead wrong. If this were my crime scene, the last thing I would do is let the man have an audience with Hillary. Hopefully, the Rochester P.D. is thinking the same thing.

UPDATE: The offender has been arrested:

(CNN) -- Police took into custody a man they say walked into Sen. Hillary Clinton's campaign office in Rochester, New Hampshire, and took several people hostage Friday.

The man, Lee Eisenberg, claimed to have a bomb strapped to his chest, police said.

"I am very grateful that this difficult day has ended so well. All of my campaign staff are safe," Clinton said outside her Washington home. "I want to thank them for their extraordinary courage and coolness under some very difficult pressures and dangerous situations." (H/T - CNN)

Thankfully, no one was injured in the incident.

Rodney King Shot

Can't we all just get along?

SAN BERNARDINO, Calif. - Rodney King, whose videotaped police beating in 1991 led to deadly rioting when the officers involved were acquitted, was shot on a street corner, but his wounds were not life-threatening, police said.

King, 42, was shot two or three times from a distance by birdshot fired from a shotgun. He then bicycled about 1 1/2 miles back to his home in neighboring Rialto and called police. King was hit in the face, arms, back and torso, police said.

Authorities said when they arrived at the home, King and others appeared drunk and were largely uncooperative in providing information about the shooting. (H/T - Yahoo!)

I wonder if anyone has a videotape of this incident? According to police sources, the shooting may be linked to a domestic incident. Go figure. I say - if and when the doer is exposed - we all march on San Bernardino, arm-in-arm with Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, to protest this despicable act.

Who's with me?

Pamela Anderson Is Retiring

From what, exposing her cans for all the world to see?

LOS ANGELES (AFP) - Former "Baywatch" star and pin-up queen Pamela Anderson says she plans to quit her show business career within five years and retire to her native Canada, it was reported Thursday.

Anderson, 40, told USA Today that despite regular movie and television offers she was too "lazy" to continue working and wanted to settle down with her third husband Rick Salomon, whom she wed in Las Vegas last month.

"I get offers to do movies and TV all the time. I say no to everything. Drives my agent crazy," Anderson told the daily.

"But I'm lazy. I don't want to work. I want to be with my kids," the mother of two added. (H/T - Yahoo!)

When I read this story - and finished laughing - a few thoughts came to mind:

• Boy, Pam has a lot of "formers" in her description.
• Does Pam have real skin anymore, or is she just a plastic doll?
  
• It must be easy to retire when you aren't working to begin with.
  
• Pamela Anderson is lazy? Gee, that never comes across in her acting.
  
• Her third husband - I'm sure this marriage will work out - is Rick Solomon. You remember him. He played the role of "Man Plowing Paris" in Miss Hilton's infamous sex tape.
  

Have Yourself A Beery Little Christmas

Christmas at Captain America's house . . .

(H/T - Uncle Ray)

Chinese Fireworks Explosion Kills 11

Join me or die. Can you do any less?

BEIJING - An explosion in a fireworks factory in central China killed 11 people and injured eight, the government's Xinhua News Agency reported Thursday.

The explosion late Wednesday afternoon reduced part of the Yangquan Xingtong Fireworks Co. workshop — on the rural outskirts of Yangquan city — to rubble, and it was not known whether others were buried in the blast, Xinhua said.

The cause of the explosion was under investigation, Xinhua said. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Would I be going to Hell if I made a Chinese Fire Drill joke here?

Rowe, Rowe, Rowe Your Boat

This is Mike Rowe.

Mike is the host of Dirty Jobs on The Discovery Channel. The show that is quickly becoming my favorite on that particular network. (No offense, Bear Grylls.) For those of you not familiar with the show, here's the premise:

Each week, Mike goes to work. Unlike many of us, Mike is sent to the dirtiest, grimiest, filthiest job known to man - and no, he is not forced to be a lawyer. Instead, he volunteers to become a pig farmer. Or a bridge painter. Or a spray insulation technician. Or an avian vomitologist.

Mike begins each show with these words:

"My name is Mike Rowe, and this is my job: I explore the country looking for people who aren't afraid to get dirty—hard-working men and women who earn an honest living doing the kinds of jobs that make civilized life possible for the rest of us. Now... get ready, to get dirty."

And boy, does he get dirty. During the bridge painter episode his face was literally green after hand-painting the suspension cables. But the mess is not the reason this show is so terrific. It's terrific because Mike Rowe is a laugh riot.

Mike is a down-to-earth guy with a deadpan sense of humor, but while he jokes about the jobs he happens to be performing at any particular time - he never makes fun of the blue, or in this case, black-collar - workers who toil to make our life easier. While he may not personally choose to do these dirty jobs for a living, he has the utmost respect for those who do.

So, if you want to watch something entertaining - and learn a little in the process - I would highly recommend Dirty Jobs. It's on every Tuesday night at 9pm.

Clash Of The Titans

This is the most important story of our time. Like the Kennedy assassination and the September 11th attacks, you will forever remember where you were when you heard this news.

Evel Knievel and Kanye West have worked it out.

The 69-year-old iconic motorcycle daredevil said he and West met at his Clearwater condo recently. They settled a federal lawsuit over the use of Knievel's trademarked image in a popular West music video.

Knievel sued West and his record company last year. He took issue with a 2006 music video for the song "Touch the Sky," in which the rapper takes on the persona of "Evel Kanyevel" and tries to jump a rocket-powered motorcycle over a canyon.

Knievel failed in his attempt to jump the Snake River Canyon in Idaho in 1974. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Who knew that Evel Knievel was still alive? And for that matter, who even cares that Kanye West is still alive. This has-been and that never-was are about as relevant today as Jm J. Bullock and Peter Scolari.

This story would have made a larger impact upon my life if Evel looked into the camera and deadpanned, "George Bush doesn't care about Kanye West's dead mother."

Oh, yeah, I'm going to Hell.

Booze, Glorious Booze!

Mrs. Grim has the greatest test of all time. Well, if you're Barney Gumble, that is. It's the Booze Test, and it's filled with alcoholic goodness.

Try Your "Shot" HERE.

Can We Kick Massachusetts Out Of The Union?

Okay, this kid probably needs to get spanked . . .

The People's Republic of Massachusetts has finally gone too far.

(New York - WABC, November 28, 2007) - There is a proposed law causing a lot of controversy Wednesday morning. Should spanking be illegal? Some lawmakers in Massachusetts want to ban parents from spanking their children, even in their own homes. They say it's just one more way to protect kids from abuse. But many parents say it's government run amok.

Will "Spanking the Monkey" be considered illegal, too? Just asking.

In 29 states, it's illegal for a teacher to spank students. In all 50 states, however, parents are allowed to spank their own children.

As it should be. I'm not a big proponent of spanking children, but it certainly worked for my parents. When I frakked up, I knew I was getting smacked. The Fear of God is a wonderful thing, sometimes.

One Massachusetts nurse is hoping to change that. "I think it's ironic that domestic violence applies to everyone except the most vulnerable, children," Kathleen Wolf said. Today, a bill Kathleen Wolf wrote has its hearing at the statehouse. It aims to make Massachusetts the first state in the nation to ban corporal punishment at home.

What the Hell is going on in this state? A frakkin' nurse can write legislation now? What's next, will they allow Cam Neely to hire police officers?

The very idea of this bill is hugely controversial in Massachusetts, because a lot of parents say the state is trying to take away what's been a tried-and-true method of child rearing: as many a mom has said, "spare the rod, spoil the child."

Heh, heh, "rod." In my opinion, we shouldn't spare the rod with Ms. Wolf. She needs some sense beat into her pointy little head. Thankfully, someone finally echoed my sentiments on the matter:

"I don't want the government telling me how to raise my children," a mother said. (H/T - WABC)

Frakkin' right. The government bans smoking in public, then they ban trans-fats, and now they want to tell parents what they can and cannot do inside their own homes? If I wanted this kind of Big Brother, Micro-Management kind of government, I'd move to China.

Congratulations Massachusetts, Chairman Mao would be proud.

Go Elf Yourself!

So, have you ever wanted to make an elf-like doppleganger? No? Too bad, I'm still posting the link. I found this via Kitty. It's the perfect holiday time-killer.


Elf Yourself

Here's the link for Erik's Elf - although dancing with a lolly may not be the safest idea . . . and here's the link for Kyle's.

Philly Loses Rock Festival To Vineland, NJ

Vineland, New Jersey? Are you kidding me? It looks like another win for the (Philly Mayor John) Street administration.

The out-of-the-way Cumberland County community will host a three-day rock festival originally proposed for Philadelphia's Fairmount Park.

The promotion company, Texas-based C3 Presents, said they could no longer wait for approval from the Fairmount Park Commission.

The lineup for the show at a 550-acre farm has not been announced. Promoters said there will be big names and fans will be able to camp at the site.

C3 Presents, organizers of Lollapolooza and Austin City Limits festivals, will partner with U.K. based Festival Republic, the producers of mega-festivals in Reading, Leeds and Glastonbury. (H/T - CBS3)

Unbelievable. Apparently, Mayor Street wants to maintain his status quo of corruption and incompetence. I mean, it worked so well for him for the last seven and a half years, right? So, instead of fighting to entice this music festival to come to Philadelphia - and bring with it millions of dollars - he let it slip away to America's Rest Stop, Vineland, New Jersey.

I wonder if "Bankrupting A Major Metropolitan City" will be a topic of discussion during Street's Poli-Sci course next year?

Four In A Row!

Sometimes, fortune smiles upon you. Sometimes, luck wins out over talent. Sometimes, my underwear chafes my bottom.

And sometimes, my hockey team just kicks a little ass.

Such was the case last night, when my team - Tony's Place - faced off against the Rink Rats. It was the second time we faced this team, having lost our first meeting by one goal in the final minutes. We would have none of that last night. Let's go to the videotape.

Vinnie Antonelli starts us off with some much-needed hustle . . . and finishes off with a nice collision into the far side boards.



We gained an early lead, thanks in part to the offensive prowess of Randal Graves . . .



Of course, it helped that The Badger was stopping every puck that came his way . . .



And we finished off the Rink Rats with a late goal from Mike D, earning an 8-4 win . . .



We're currently 6-2, and have won four in a row. I take all of the credit, because I was able to skate with the team in the pre-game warm-up. Knee feels better every day, but I know I'm still not ready to play. Our next game is Sunday night at 7pm. Hopefully, Tony's will be open after the game, since they were closed after the last three.

No beer and no Tony's make Homer something something!

Coming Soon To A Mosque Near You

Uncle Oinker's Savory Bacon Flavored Mints

Here is the actual write-up of this product, taken directly from the website:

Wouldn't it be great to eat bacon in a classroom, during a board meeting, or even at a funeral? Sadly, you can't. In fact, there are literally thousands of places where it would be inappropriate to eat bacon. (A Bar Mitzvah, for instance.)

Well, we've found an amazing substitute called Uncle Oinker's Bacon Mints. Each mint tastes like a scrumptious slice of crispy bacon, with a slight hint of mint to give it some extra pizzazz.

Mmm . . . porky! I wish to God I was making this up, but I don't have that great an imagination.

State Rep's Son Charged With Assaulting Police

Lovely.

Samuel Perzel, son of state Rep. John M. Perzel, R-Philadelphia, was arrested last week for allegedly assaulting a female Philadelphia police officer.

Perzel, 18, was in a rowdy crowd of 50 to 75 people who had gathered on 2nd Street near Tasker in South Philadelphia about midnight Nov. 18, according to police records obtained by the Daily News.

Police were called to the intersection to break up several small fights and to move the crowd along.

When Officer Melissa Curcio tried to arrest Perzel after he ignored repeated warnings to disperse, the teen - who "had a strong odor of alcohol on his breath" - allegedly punched Curcio in the face, the records show. (H/T - The Philadelphia Daily News)

So, not only was Sammy Boy most likely an underage sot, but he's also a puss-aah for punching a woman, cop or no. I'd like to think this tool would get a halfway decent fine and/or sentence, but considering the judicial system in Philadelphia, and considering Daddy will probably save his arse, I see no punishment in Sammy's future.

Welcome to Philadelphia.

We Can Be Heroes

Another action-packed edition of Heroes is on deck tonight. And while I'll be watching my team lay ice hockey - without me, so they'll probably win - I'll be thinking of the series' newest addition, Kristen Bell.

Sure, her character is annoying, but she's delicious!

More Tales Of The Obvious

Yesterday I posted about those fine individuals at Site Meter and the problems the organ-i-zation has been experiencing. After four days without a working counter here, the techno-weenies finally put out a memo:

Sometime during Thanksgiving day SiteMeter experienced some major internal system problems. At the moment it appears that access times to SiteMeter.com and all stats pages are extremely slow.

We are also aware that access to s21 accounts appears to be disabled.

We are working as quickly as we can to try and find out what the problem is and to get everything back online and working normally.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

Sincerely,

The SiteMeter Team

Swell. Every visitor to SYLG within the last four days has not been counted. That means that I lost, what, 35 visits? Damnit.

A White Trash Thanksgiving

On Thanksgiving, many celebrities take time out of their busy, vapid schedules to do good works for those less fortunate - you know, like people who dye their own hair! And why not? It gets them a boatload of good press. During the holidays, almost every normally worthless celeb tries to bolster their image for the "little people."

Thankfully, Britney Spears can't be bothered with such trivialities like her image or other people.

Britney Spears apparently couldn't wait until Black Friday to go shopping. The pop star visited a Virgin Megastore on Thanksgiving while her ex-husband Kevin Federline had custody of their two young sons. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Remember when everyone decried K-Fed as the biggest tool in a very large toolbox? What a difference a year makes. Suddenly, Federline is the picture-perfect father, while Brit - the former darling of the mainstream media - is ignoring her children in favor of Kanye West's new single. I can see the discussion at Casa de Federline now . . .

Kids: "Dad, why can't Mommy be here for Thanksgiving?"

K-Fed: "Well kids, Mommy is very busy this time of year. She needed to go to the Virgin Megastore - oh, the irony - to buy some CD's. Because, you know, it's not like she could get CD's anytime she wants. If only she were in the music industry . . . Oh well, please pass the cranberry sauce, honey."

Is it me, or is Britney Spears trying to piss off everyone on the planet?

(Linked at OTB's Beltway Traffic Jam.)

No Justice, No Peace!

No guns, no chance to stop the shootings!

The first of the "10,000 Men" step out for some "field training."

With enthusiasm that belied their numbers, the first 100 men committed to encouraging thousands of African Americans to become community activists took to the street yesterday in a "field training" exercise.

Components of the "field training" include, but are not limited to the following:

• Accepting your utter futility like a man.
• Dodging bullets, buck shot, and evil eyes from the public.
• How to run away from a crime scene, screaming like a girl.
• How to police the streets without a gun, badge, or ballistic vest.

On a sunny, brisk day, the initial public patrols of "10,000 Men: A Call to Action" set out from the Vare Recreation Center at 26th and Morris Streets to canvass about 16 blocks of South Philadelphia and Point Breeze.

Many volunteers expressed dismay that their membership couldn't get them free coffee and donuts like the "real police."

Trained to be polite and non-confrontational, the men walked the neighborhoods and distributed printed door-hangers introducing the outfit, which was organized in reaction to a violent crime wave that has affected black neighborhoods more than most.

And really, isn't that the key to stopping the violence in Philadelphia; kindness and understanding? Hell, if the department practiced that, I'm sure our homicide number would only be at, say, 361, instead of 364!

"There won't be conflict," said Anthony Murphy, one of the leaders of the organization's field operations. "We're going to be friendly black men. It's important." (H/T - The Philadelphia Inquirer)

"We're going to be friendly black men." Sweet! Does that mean they're all going to be like Wayne Brady?

I truly wish these men luck. They're going to need it. But mark my words; before their first month is up, at least one of these men will be victims of the violence they are so desperately trying to suppress. Count on it.

It's Okay, Philadelphia, You Can Go To Bed Now

Well, that didn't take long.

It only took 1:22 for the New England's Asante Samuel to intercept an A.J. Feeley pass and run it into the end zone for their first score. I could almost hear Captain America scream in agony from down the street. HA!

New England 7, Philadelphia 0.

Can we please stop with the Eagles playoff talk now? Thank you.

UPDATE: The Eagles regrouped, marched down the field, and scored a touchdown. Don't get your hopes up, kids. It was a mirage.

Site Meter Is Down

Apparently, the good people at Site Meter are taking a long holiday break. As a result, my counter is kaput. Normally, the old Wyatt would have been screaming bloody murder, pulling his hair out, and demanding someone be impaled by JimmyB.

But that was the old Wyatt.

The new Wyatt - who had exactly one, count it, one, hour of sleep last night - is more aware of his Buddhist nature, and would never suffer a "freak out" just because his hits weren't being counted. And that, my friends, is the crux of this Site Meter debacle. I can post anything today, be it musings on all things political, or a smoking hot picture of Eva Longoria, and it won't matter. Why? BECAUSE THE DAMNED METER IS ON THE FRITZ, AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE READING THIS INCESSANT CLAPTRAP!!!

Sorry, I had an old Wyatt moment there. Please excuse Site Meter's foibles today. I am sure that the caring professionals over there will get this unusual malfunction corrected as soon as possible. And when they do . . .

I Am Not An Animal!

Wow, it's like this broad has known me all my life!

Every time I watched "King of Queens," I was confused. The husband, an overweight UPS delivery guy, is married to a certifiably hot brunette with a tight body, whom he regularly asks to strip (is this normal married couple behavior? I would ask my parents, but that's disgusting).

No, this is hardly normal couple behavior. In fact, my wife usually asks me to put more clothes on in the summer or at bedtime.

At first, I dismissed it, like the beer commercials featuring balding, pot-bellied men cavorting with Tara Reid look-alikes. They're just Disproportionately Attractive TV Couples -- they could never exist in the real world.

I am not balding - not yet - but I am pot-bellied, like the pig. Nevertheless, there are some women who find me mildly attractive. I call them "sickos." Actually, Vincent Antonelli's wife is much more attractive than him. Fish's wife is much, much more attractive than him, and Badger's girlfriend is much, much, much more attractive than him! Basically my friends are trolls - we tend to hang out in clusters.

Or could they? I look around New York, and everywhere I see gorgeous women with only moderately attractive -- or even downright unattractive -- men. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Hell, that's the story of my life. Although I am a disgusting excuse for a man - RT can now attest to this - I have been fortunate enough to land some hot babes. Once in a while, a mating miracle occurs: I'm living proof. Hell, maybe Leah Remini can give me a call!

Just Monkeying Around

Gentlemen, start your double entendre!!!

NEW YORK - From her baptism in Liberia to Christmas years later in her adopted New York City, Mamie Manneh never lost the longing to celebrate religious rituals by eating monkey meat.

Now, the tribal customs of Manneh and other West African immigrants have become the focus of an unusual criminal case charging her with meat smuggling, and touching on issues of religious freedom, infectious diseases and wildlife preservation.
(H/T - Yahoo!)

• If you want to hear Wyatt say, "Well, at least they're just smuggling it and not beating it," press #1.
• If you want to hear Wyatt say, "Charged with meat smuggling? When is Paris Hilton going to jail?," press #2.
• If you want to insert your own joke here, place it in the comments section.

Battlestar Galactica: Razor

SYLG will be closed tonight from 9-11pm. Why? Because one of the best shows on television is back, and I'll be watching it over at Casa de Deathlok with my friend Bill and RT. Razor, a two-hour BSG episode, begins at 9pm on the Sci-Fi channel.

UPDATE: Razor was frakkin' awesome! Unfortunately, now we have to wait until March for new episodes. Damn. Oh well, here are some of the highlights of the night:

• Mrs. Deathlok made hot roast beef sammiches with onions and mushrooms. They were fab! And they went well with the Pomegranate 7-UP.
• Funny line of the night, part one: At one point during the show, Admiral Cain slapped another female officer during a cylon attack. Bill looked at us and said, "I love her."
• Funny line of the night part two: A character talked about listening to his conscience, just before he was shot in the pumpkin. Deathlok snorted, "Now his conscience is running out of his head."

The 2007 Turkey Bowl

Kyle, as always, in front of the handshake line.

This year, when signing up Kyle for soccer, we decided to move him from our local athletic association (Bustleton Bengals) to Philadelphia Soccer Club. PSC is still pretty local, but most "soccer people" think that they are one of the best youth soccer organizations in the city. Kyle liked the new digs, and played well this past season.

Of course, being his father, I think he always plays well, so it's nice to get an unbiased opinion to keep me on an even keel. His coach (above in the blue jacket) confirmed this at their final game of the season. He came up to me and said, "PSC is looking to get an all-star team to play in Parkwood's Turkey Bowl: a three-day tournament at the end of November. Do you think Kyle would like to play?"

Naturally, I was flattered. Kyle's team was pretty successful that year, and for him to be asked to play on this traveling team was an honor. I told the coach that I would ask Kyle, but if he agreed, we'd be there. He did, and PSC's first game was last night.

The kids played under the lights, which would have been sweet if the lights gave of heat. The game time temperature was 35 degrees, and although I was freezing my arse off, I wanted to make sure Kyle was okay. Apparently playing goaltender warmed him up just fine. See, Kyle is usually a forward, and is responsible for scoring goals. While he likes playing defense from time to time, he rarely gets the chance to play goaltender. Tonight, his coach gave him his wish, and I don't know who was more nervous: Kyle or me.

His opponents were from Huntingdon Valley Athletic Association, and most of these kids looked like the German National Team. They passed, scored, and hustled for every single ball. It looked as if they had been playing together for years. Kyle's team has been playing together for two weeks.

Nevertheless, Kyle played fairly well in net. The first shot he faced went through, and I am convinced that he just wasn't ready for it. I wanted to scream foul - I mean, I'm his Dad - and a parent yelled what was on my mind:

"It went in from the outside!"

Maybe I wasn't being one of "those" parents. I asked a few of them, and they all agreed; it looked like the goal went in from the left outside goal post. The net was not attached there. It was no big deal, because it counted, and I don't want to be one of "those" parents who yells at a ref - especially since the ref for Kyle's game was a high school kid.

I came over to Kyle after the goal, and asked, "Are you okay?" He said, "Yeah," but I knew he felt like he let the team down. He soon made up for that in spades. He kicked the next shot he faced safely to the outside. He dove after the one after that. It went wide, but he was getting his goalie legs rather quickly now. His best moment came soon thereafter.

A forward came in on a breakaway; just him against Kyle. The forward kicked the ball high toward Kyle, and Kyle came out and caught it dead center in his chest. The force of the kick pushed him past the goal line, but the ref declared it a save - probably because it looked like Kyle was hurt afterwards. He wasn't, he told me later, he was just amazed that he caught it. After the save, our sideline erupted, and his friend Ryan came up and gave him a hug. It was one of a very few bright spots of the game.

After that save, Kyle's coach put him on defense so as to let another player get some time in net, and although PSC hustled for the ball, HVAA was just too damned good. They won the match 10-0.

Not knowing what to say, I walked over, gave him a hug, and asked, "Are you okay?" He looked at me and said, "I was a little sad when it was 3-0, but I had fun. I can't wait to play two games tomorrow!"

And that is the essence of Kyle. When he plays sports, he is always attentive, polite, and congratulatory when his teammates do something special. He likes attention as much as the next kid, but he won't show up someone else to receive it. He always mentions when someone on his team or the opposition does something "bad," and never emulates some of the nonsense you see on the field. I'd like to take credit for his good behavior on the field, but that's all Mom.

I know he's a very good soccer player, but he's a better sportsman. And I'd rather have a better sportsman than a better athlete any day of the week. I love that boy.

UPDATE: The first team that shellacked Kyle's squad was comprised of a few 8-year olds. Kyle's team is made up of kids who are 6. They fared slightly better in today's games, but lost both 2-1, and 6-0. Kyle still had a blast, though, and that's really the point.

Weekend Caption Contest

Turkey Dunk Caption Contest
(Source: Reuters)

Original Caption: Dallas Cowboys fan Scott Summers of Arlington, Texas prepares to deep fry a turkey before the start of a Thanksgiving NFL football game between the Dallas Cowboys and New York Jets in Irving,Texas November 22, 2007.

Other Current Contests:
Bullwinkle Blog
Cowboy Blob (I WON here last week!!!)
Gone Rick Motel
Right Pundits
Rodney Dill
RT (I took 2nd Place here last week!!)
Wizbang

WINNER! - "Fry, Eagles, Fry . . . " - Deathlok

Maximus, Maximus, Maximus!

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com
You scored as Maximus
After his family was murdered by the evil emperor Commodus, the great Roman general Maximus went into hiding to avoid Commodus's assassins. He became a gladiator, hoping to dominate the Colosseum in order to one day get the chance of killing Commodus. Maximus is valiant, courageous, and dedicated. He wants nothing more than the chance to avenge his family, but his temper often gets the better of him.

(H/T - Ambulance Driver)

It's Black Friday

Okay, who wants to borrow my Glock 17?

Christmas is a time for peace and goodwill towards men. Why, then, do I feel like crushing everyone's skulls with a cash register today? Black Friday is the worst thing this country has seen since The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Luckily for us, there are plenty of people to mock today. Here are my top three:

• The Black Friday Shoppers. Is it really necessary to abandon your family, skip Thanksgiving dinner, and suffer frostbite simply to save a few bucks on a television? While driving home last night, the wife and I were pointing and laughing at the multitude of idiots standing line outside our local Best Buy. The time was 8pm, and the temperature was 42 degrees. These morons still had a nine-hour wait until the store opened. Good luck with that, asshats!
• The Radio Stations. A radio station in Philly (B101.1) is broadcasting Christmas music, 24 hours a day, seven days a week until Christmas Day. They began this stretch run last night. Here's my problem: it was still Thanksgiving!!! Can we please respect that holiday enough to not jump into Christmas until after the turkey is gone?!!! William Bradford and John Smith are turning over in their graves.
• The Decorators. The missus is as guilty of this as anyone, so I should check my tone. Actually, since she's six-months pregnant, she can't catch me if I run away. Heh. Why the Hell are people decorating for Christmas BEFORE Thanksgiving? Some morons around the corner had their outside decorations and lights out last week! You people can't wait until December?!!! The wife has me crawling around the attic on Black Friday every year! (In fairness, Captain America and I wanted to put up our icicle lights yesterday because it was so warm, but that was an exception.) Look, I love Christmas just much as the next guy, but can we have a day's separation between Turkey Day and the Winter Wonderland? I'm just sayin'.

Otherwise, have a terrific holiday. HA!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope everyone has a terrific day, and remembers to give thanks for your blessings. I know I'm thankful for a rare holiday off. Sweet!

Even Cuffs Don't Stop Philly's Thugs!

God, I absolutely LOVE this town!

PHILADELPHIA (CBS 3) ― A local woman terrorized by teenagers on a wild crime spree spoke out about her ordeal, held at gunpoint, and robbed.

First he pulled his guns waiving it at customers ordering them to empty their pockets.

Inside Jess and Ron's Bar, barmaid Patrice Jackson turned over cash and was so frightened she could not stop her hands from shaking. She did not know what the suspect would do next.

"I was scared for my life. I'll be honest with you. I was scared for my own life," robbery victim Patrice Jackson said

As scary as the scene was captured on surveillance cameras, police said what was even more scary was that the suspect with the gun was only 17-years-old and his accomplice was only 15-years-old.

But police said even after the alleged 17-year-old gunman was handcuffed, the robberies did not stop. They said even without his gun, inside a holding cell at the police station he robbed a 13-year-old fellow prisoner of $74. (H/T - CBS3)

See? This is the spirit of criminal Philadelphia. Mere cell walls don't stop our utes from staying on task. You're locked up? Hell, why not rob your fellow thugs? Now that's thinking outside the box.

A Turkey Day Funny

I was watching John Pinette while drifting in and out of MoxArgon's turkey-induced coma. Almost immediately, I was laughing so hard that I wet my pants. Watch this, and you will, too.

Naked Swedish Broads!

If you listen real closely, you can hear Vinnie Antonelli buying his plane tickets online.

Swedish Women Go Topless to Protest Swim Wear Rules

STOCKHOLM, Sweden — A group of Swedish women is making waves by taking their tops off at public swimming pools in a protest against what they call gender-biased rules on swim wear.

About 40 women have joined the network and staged topless protests in at least three cities, said Sanna Ferm, 22, one of the founders of the group called Bara Brost, or Bare Breasts.

"The purpose of the campaign is to start a debate about why women's bodies are sexualized," Ferm said Wednesday.

She said the fact that men can be bare-chested in public swimming pools but not women is "a concrete example of how women have fewer rights than men."

Reactions from other swimmers have ranged from support and encouragement to anger and even indifference, she said.

Women can sunbathe topless in the summertime at beaches around Sweden, which is known for its relaxed attitude toward nudity, but they are required to wear tops at public swimming pools. (H/T - RT)

How come I never get calls for these kinds of disturbances? I may have to put in a transfer to the Stockholm Police Department.

Giving Thanks

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day in America. (I think those wacky Canadians celebrate it in October or something.) Being a highly-successful blog professional, I am thankful for many, many things. To wit:

I am thankful for my ever-expanding family. I would also be thankful if we decided on a name for Boy #3 before his birth this time.

I am thankful for my friends. Many of them are playing ice hockey while I rehabilitate my knee. Of course, since they're 5-2 and have won three in a row, I guess I can retire and not be missed.

I am thankful for hot broads like Jessica Alba. I mean, really, who isn't?


I am thankful for Philadelphia Mayor John F. Street. His incompetence has contributed more material to this blog than any other source. I'll miss this moron when he's gone.

I am thankful for Christian Bale. His "hotness" keeps my female readers coming back.


I am thankful for Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. Seeing their massive girth makes me feel pretty good about my corpulence. (Cue Vinnie searching for the definition of corpulence.)

And finally, I am thankful to all of you, my readers. The people who support me during the terrible, unfunny posts, and the rare winner. The people who stuck by me after Chuck Cassidy's murder, and who were generous enough to donate to his family's trust fund. The people who truly make this blog worth reading. Without all of you, I am nothing. Thank you.

The Dark Knight Trailer

I don't know why I haven't posted this yet, but it's the teaser trailer for the Batman Begins sequel, due out next Summer. Enjoy!

The Most Important News Story Of Our Time

I don't know how I could sleep at night without knowing the inspiration for the worst song in the history of music.

LOS ANGELES - Neil Diamond held onto the secret for decades, but he has finally revealed that President Kennedy's daughter was the inspiration for his smash hit "Sweet Caroline."

"I've never discussed it with anybody before — intentionally," the 66-year-old singer-songwriter told The Associated Press on Monday during a break from recording. "I thought maybe I would tell it to Caroline when I met her someday."

He got his chance last week when he performed the song via satellite at Caroline Kennedy's 50th birthday party. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Wow, is that a weight off of my shoulders. Whew! Seriously, is there anyone in America who wondered who "Sweet Caroline" was? And now that we know, does anyone care? I'll open the floor for discussion.

Skeletor Is Hospitalized

Apparently, there aren't a whole lot of guys who want to "do" the Olsen Twins now, huh, M.K.?

After making a triumphant return to the small screen, Mary-Kate Olsen unfortunately had to watch the season finale of Weeds from a hospital bed.

The 21-year-old actress is suffering from a kidney infection and has been hospitalized in New York, her rep told People Monday. But the prognosis is good.

Rep Nicole Caruso said that Olsen, who was admitted to the emergency room earlier today, is "resting comfortably and will be released in the next day or so." (H/T - Yahoo!)

Hey, M.K., ya know what may prevent those kidney infections? EATING A SANDWICH!!!

Suspect Shot After Pointing Toy Gun At Police

Chalk another one up for the good guys.

PHILADELPHIA - November 20, 2007 - Authorities say police shot and hit a suspect they were chasing after he turned and pointed a replica gun at them.

The shooting happened at 3rd and Indiana just after 2 p.m.

Police say they were chasing a suspect when they thought he turned and pointed a gun at them. As it turns out, the weapon was really a replica gun.

Officers opened fire, hitting the suspect in the leg. Police put the injured man into a police cruiser and rushed him to a nearby hospital. There's no word yet on his condition or on the circumstances surrounding the chase. (H/T - 6ABC)

Here's some free advice to the criminal filth that in habits my fair city: if you're going to carry a toy gun, it's probably not the best idea to point it at the police. You see, we carry real guns, and we're not afraid to use them.

I know what you're thinking: why didn't they shoot him in the pumpkin? Good question. I still think I have a better answer. See, the media in this town despises us. They salivate whenever we make a mistake. Had the officers killed this toad, they - and the department - would have been crucified.

We're trained to shoot for center mass. Sometimes we take someone down without hitting it. The bottom line it this: it's one more toad off the streets.

Sacre Bleu!

Guess who grew a backbone?

PARIS - President Nicolas Sarkozy stood firm against spreading strikes Tuesday, insisting he will not water down plans for a thorough overhaul of France, even as civil servants joined the walkouts and thousands of protesters took to the streets.

Sarkozy was characteristically defiant as he broke what had been an unusual silence during a week of transit strikes that have disrupted travel across the nation. He accused the strikers of holding commuters "hostage" and called for them to return to work.

Turning to critics who hope he can be forced to back away from deep economic, social and political changes for a country that has proved difficult to reform, Sarkozy had a simple message: Forget it. (H/T - Yahoo!)

A Frenchman refusing to surrender? What's next, a sober Irishman?

He Lives On Gay Street

You have to admire John Street for taking a controversial stand . . . about a month before he leaves office after an eight-year reign.

PHILADELPHIA - Mayor John Street, once regarded as an enemy of the gay community for opposing same-sex partner benefits, is to preside over his first same-sex commitment ceremony this weekend.

Street said he was asked to officiate at the ceremony for Ryan Bunch and Micah Mahjoubian, a longtime colleague, on Saturday at City Hall.

"Micah is my friend. He has been in my campaign and has been in my administration for eight years," Street said. "I've come to respect him as a person, and if this is something he would like for me to do, then I'd like to do it for him."

About 125 guests are expected at the ceremony, which will have no legal weight since Pennsylvania prohibits gay marriage.

As priceless as this story appears, this next quote will go in the annals of history as the funniest ever:

"It's not marriage. It's not real marriage. They can't be married," said Street, a Seventh-day Adventist. "It's not a religious ceremony. I mean, it's not really marriage." (H/T - Yahoo! via Randal Graves)

I'm really going to miss John Street. Michael Nutter will never give me this much material!

Update: Speaking of Mayor Street, Captain America just posted the funniest video ever of this buffoon! You can see the jocularity HERE.

Final Fantasy

Well, that was a blast! After a grueling nine-month battle, our fantasy NASCAR season has come to an end.

Congratulations to my friend Bill, who took the championship yesterday!

Bill bested me for the title by 41 points - that rat bastard! I'll get even by screwing him on his birthday present Tuesday. Any hoo, you can see how the rest of us fared on the left. Rachel took 3rd place, GOP and College finished 4th, Randal took 5th, my Uncle Ray took 6th, and RT finished 7th.

jLow, Hillbilly Horsepower, and my cousin Ray all lost interest, and finished 8th through 10th, respectively.

Thanks everyone, for playing. Hopefully, we can try this again in February!

God Save The Queen

Considering their recent influx of irate Muslims, perhaps "Allahu Akbar" would suffice?

LONDON - The French have their "Liberté, égalité, fraternité." The Americans have "In God we trust." Even tiny nations like Antigua and Fiji have stirring calls to nationhood, faith, solidarity

Not so Britain. Remarkably, for a country with such a rich history and distinctive national traits, there have been no formal mottos to describe the British mission statement. Until now.

Keen to redefine an increasingly diverse nation and its values, the government has launched a quest for a national maxim. Meant to be "truly representative," the motto will be arrived at by 1,000 members of the British public. This week, the BBC and the Times newspaper jump-started the process by soliciting suggestions on their websites. (H/T - Yahoo!)

This story is just tailor-made for comedy. Unfortunately for you, I'm not that funny. I did, however, have a few suggestions for our friends across the pond:

• Britannia: Better Food Than Ireland.
• Britain: Come Taste Our Limey Goodness!
• Great Britain: Come See Our Summer Teeth!
• Britain's Beaches: Who The F**k Wants To See Them?
• Great Britain: Can You Believe Sunny Australia Was Our Penal Colony?
• London: Fish, Chips, Cup 'o Tea, Bad Food, Worse Weather, Mary F**king Poppins...

Do you have any more suggestions? Fire away!

Detroit Is America's Most Dangerous City

Philadelphia didn't even crack the Top Ten - we finished #21. I demand a recount!

DETROIT - In another blow to the Motor City's tarnished image, Detroit pushed past St. Louis to become the nation's most dangerous city, according to a private research group's controversial analysis, released Sunday, of annual FBI crime statistics.

The 14th annual "City Crime Rankings: Crime in Metropolitan America" was published by CQ Press, a unit of Congressional Quarterly Inc. It is based on the FBI's Sept. 24 crime statistics report.

The report looked at 378 cities with at least 75,000 people based on per-capita rates for homicide, rape, robbery, aggravated assault, burglary and auto theft. Each crime category was considered separately and weighted based on its seriousness, CQ Press said.

Last year's crime leader, St. Louis, fell to No. 2. Another Michigan city, Flint, ranked third, followed by Oakland Calif.; Camden, N.J.; Birmingham, Ala.; North Charleston, S.C.; Memphis, Tenn.; Richmond, Calif.; and Cleveland. (H/T - Yahoo!)

I am declaring shenanigans on this entire study! As of this posting, Philadelphia's homicide count is at 361, we have had six police officers shot - one fatally - in the past two months, and gun-toting thugs rule the land. What does Memphis have, rogue Elvis impersonators?

This report is a sham.

(Linked at OTB's Beltway Traffic Jam.)

Robbery Suspect Shot By Philadelphia Police

And the hits just keep on coming . .

November 18, 2007 - An armed suspect was shot and hospitalized Sunday night, ending a standoff with police at a Rite Aid in Northeast Philadelphia.

Police say that shortly before 7:20 p.m. an armed man walked inside the Rite Aid at 12301 Academy Road. Police arrived while the robbery was in progress, which prompted the gunman to take a hostage inside the store.

The man later let the hostage go and walked out of the store with the shotgun. That's when police discharged their weapons, striking the man 4 times in the legs. The suspect was transported to Frankford Torresdale Hospital in critical condition but was upgraded to stable.

The SWAT team was called in due to suspicions of a second robber in the drug store. However after a sweep of the building, SWAT declared it clear. There are no reports of other injuries. (H/T - 6ABC)

Attention Philadelphia Thugs: When you point a weapon at the police, you will be shot. Any questions?

It's a shame the suspect wasn't killed. Hopefully, he will be living the rest of his life in agonizing pain and walking with a severe limp. We're not exactly in the mood for this kind of nonsense.

This story hits close to home because it happened in my former district. Thankfully, no officers were hurt in the robbery. And Doris, Gerry, you'd better be wearing your vests!

Two Titles In A Row!

Congratulations, Jimmie Johnson
2008 NASCAR Nextel Cup Champion!