Chloe O'Brian: Tomb Raider?

Just when you thought it was safe to ask for the latest Internet protocols . . . Chloe O'Brian is armed and dangerous! Why they don't dress her up like this in 24 is beyond me. (Photo Courtesy of Geek Magazine)

In other gun-related news:

WE'RE #1!!!

Philadelphia reached homicide #100 last night, and it happened in my little division. We still lead the league (er, country) in homicides, and are on a pace to blow away last year's number of 407.

In a completely unrelated story, our illustrious mayor still claims that the city cannot afford to hire new police officers. Ironically, that same mayor just held a "public-safety summit" here yesterday.

Philadelphia held a public-safety summit. That's like Sean Penn hosting a "Support the Troops rally."

Weekend Caption Contest

"If You Can't Beat It, Bucket!" Caption Contest
(Source: Yahoo!)

Other Current Contests:
Bullwinkle Blog
Cowboy Blob
Rodney Dill
Right Pundits
The Gone Rick Motel
Wizbang

Top 10 Entries:
10. Some people require a bit more than just a paper bag . . . - Roland
9. Mayor Street, Paul Vallas, Council President Verna and PPD Commissioner Johnson listen intently to suggestions on how to decrease violence in the city and its schools! - TrekMedic
8. Tonight's GOP presidential debate is brought to you by . . . CNN and the NY Times. - John D
7. Anti-war protesters have found a more effective way of "beating the drum" and "hiding their head in the sand". - Dr. Phat Tony
6. Wyatt knew he was too into fantasy sports when he found himself drafting a fantasy street performer team. - The Man
5. How do you put 800 pounds of band into 200 pound buckets? - Rodney Dill
4. Introducing The Helen Keller Band! Doesn't matter that they're all playing drum and none of the performers has a guitar, cause they can't hear the music anyway. - Vincent Antonelli
3. Phillies fans prepare for the start of another season. - Randal Graves
2. Jango never really spoke about his parents . . . - Adjustah

WINNER! Budget cuts have hit the Imperial Stormtroopers hard this year. - Pandy

Escape . . . From Reality And Good Sense

For those of you who haven't noticed - like you Villanova grads out there - I have added a dynamic new banner to SYLG. Sure, there has been a lot of Snake Plissken around here recently, and there's a reason for that. To wit:

There are certain things in this world that should never be messed with. For example, one should never bother Rosie O’Donnell while she is eating pork chops stuffed with Ring Dings from her trough. The same holds true in the film industry. There are certain films that have stood the test of time, and should be impermeable to remakes.

Sadly, the Hollywood geniuses have forgotten this axiom. Plans are currently in the works for a remake of Escape from New York.

My first reaction to this announcement was, “Are you frakkin’ kidding me?” Then, I composed myself, had a Fresca, reflected upon it for a moment, and said, “ARE YOU FRAKKIN’ KIDDING ME???” Let’s dissect this decision in the manner in which it was intended.

1. Great films don't need to be "remade." That's why they are considered great films. Escape from New York is a classic; a film that can be viewed over and over again, while never losing its luster. Casino Royale needed to be remade. Why? Because the original blew goats!

2. Escape from New York had a terrific cast: Kurt Russell, Isaac Hayes, Ernest Borgnine, I mean, come on! The remake is slated to star Gerard Butler, who played Leonidis in 300 - which I will rave about soon enough - but even this great piece of casting shouldn't justify a remake.

3. Finally, if the decision for a remake is final, at least honor the original. The last thing anyone wants to see is a terrible remake like The Punisher, where the remake was worse than the original.

Celebrity "Deaths" Always Come In Threes

Fmragtops, Rachel, and The Man embarking on their post-blog lives.

"It vexes me. I'm terribly vexed." - Commodus, Gladiator

Okay, this isn't funny anymore. First, my blog mentor, The Man, makes the difficult decision to stop blogging. I immediately doubt the existence of God. Soon thereafter, Rachel, my techno-Yoda decides to follow suit. I find myself wandering the streets in my SpongeBob SquarePants pajamas asking strangers if they can help me with my template. Then yesterday, Fmragtops - the Sparta of the Bayou - falls. That's right, sports fans; he is hanging up his keyboard, and I am currently scouring the Philadelphia area for an all-night crayfish eatery.

What the hell is going on around here???!!!

I hearken back to an e-mail that RFTR sent me after Rachel threw her blog into the Sarlacc pit. He said something to the effect of, "All of your blog friends are quitting. Maybe it's you." Now normally, I would chalk up that snark to him being an Ivy League dink, but in hindsight, he may have a point. Is it me?

Nah, that's not possible. I'm one of the most beloved bloggers in the nation. I have talent on loan from Jethro Bodine! On the other hand, when three of my blog friends - I don't have any real friends; they can't appreciate my sarcasm, evil genius, and biting wit - stop doing the very thing that brought us together, it's an odd feeling.

In the last two months, three of my blog friends have retired. For the rest of you, I'd watch your ass. You're the ones who link to me, so take my friendship at your own risk. This friendship could be your blog's demise.

Run for your lives, everyone! No one is safe!!!

More Great Press For The Philadelphia Police Department

Just when you thought the Philadelphia Police Department couldn't get any more bad press, I give you the following story, which was announced this morning. Officers like this make the rest of us look like circus clowns. And although you shouldn't judge an organization on the actions of a few bad (read: God-awful) bad apples, I can almost understand why some people don't like us.

For the record, this officer is still innocent until proven guilty, and deserves a fair trial. But be forewarned, this story will make your stomach turn. Trust me.

Philadelphia police officials have announced the arrest of one of their own on rape charges. The officer turned himself in and was arrested Tuesday. He faces a long list of charges and is suspended with intent to dismiss.

Police Internal Affairs Chief Inspector Bill Colarulo says the investigation into the allegations against 40-year-old Thomas Gitto began in November, 2005, when a then 16-year-old girl came forward:

"Internal affairs joined in on the investigation along with the special victim's unit, and it was learned through our investigation that the young girl, when she was 14 years of age, and when the officer was 36 years of age was raped three different times. Even more egregious was that one of these incident happened inside a police trailer."

Colarulo says these incidents including one that allegedly occurred inside of Gitto's home happened when he was off duty. He's been on desk duty since 2005. Colarulo will not reveal how Gitto came to know the victim except to say the officer had a relationship with a member of this girl's family. He's been suspended with the intent to dismiss. (H/T - KYW1060.com)

What can I possibly say about this story? Truly despicable.

Stat Attack!

Here are the most recent (adjusted for GOP and College) stats for our Yahoo! NASCAR Fantasy League. The Godfather, Randal, Vishnu (Uncle Ray), and Cookeville (GOP and College) had the best stats at Bristol, and their standings have reflected that.

This week, the short-track madness continues, as the series heads to Martinsville, Virginia, home of The Martinsville Seven. Oh, and it is rumored that Carl Edwards is Hot may start Jeremy Mayfield this week. Thank you for your donation. HA!

Smile! You're On Candid Camera! Or Are You?

Just when you thought my fellow Philadelphians couldn't get any dumber, I see this little gem from Philadelphia Weekly:

Last fall, five security cameras were installed along the 54th Street corridor. Hooray, everyone said. Government surveillance in the name of protection! But it wasn't exactly government surveillance, as the cameras were run by the Philadelphia Commercial Development Corp. And it also wasn't exactly government surveillance because the cameras don't really work.

Well, they work, but only sometimes. But the cameras are only checked every two weeks to make sure they're working, so it's sort of a pointless exercise even if the cameras are working. Naturally, the former head of the PCDC, Curtis Jones, is running for City Council (against Carol Campbell in the 4th District). And so, surprise!, here comes a story about Jones' PCDC, less than two months before election time.

Of course, Jones didn't do himself any favors by telling an old lady she was a liar on camera and later finding out that, no, the camera wasn't working. The link comes from the YouTube user DontVoteCuritsJones, who one can only assume is against Curtis Jones as well. (H/T - The Man)

For those of you out of the Philly loop, 54th Street in West Philadelphia is very similar to 1993 Mogadishu. If you want to get in or out, you better have a Humvee with a mounted .50 cal, or a trio of Black Hawks. This is arguably the one place in America where video surveillance is necessary to prevent our skyrocketing murder rate - which is currently at 92 bodies. That's right, New York, you're our beyotch! Of course, it would be helpful if the cameras would work, but what are you gonna do?

What is despicable is that the toad behind this fiasco will run for City Council, and - I guarantee - get elected, because the voters in this town aren't smart enough to overlook people like Curtis Jones.

Oh, and for the record, this town hasn't had a Republican mayor since 1948.

All Hail, JimmyB!

Snake Plissken: The reason JimmyB got into guns!

Today is The Conservative UAW Guy's 2nd Blogiversary! Stop by and wish him a happy one. Or better yet, go out and buy an American car like I just did.

Congrats, Jimmy!

Just To Piss Off The Badger

One of my favorite hockey players of all-time, Hall of Famer Dale Hawerchuk - it is imperative that you address him as such - will be honored in the Phoenix Coyotes' (formerly the Winnipeg Jets) Ring of Honor on Thursday.

Hawerchuk was drafted by the Winnipeg Jets with the first selection in the 1981 NHL Entry Draft. He went on to play nine seasons (1981-1990) with Winnipeg, appearing in 713 games and recording 379 goals, 550 assists and 929 points with the Jets. He ranks as the Jets/Coyotes all-time leader in goals (379) and points (929) and ranks 2nd in assists (550) and 4th in games played (713). He also ranks 1st in power play goals (122), 1st in hat tricks (12), T-3rd in shorthanded goals (12) and T-5th in game-winning goals (29). He was the Jets most prolific scorer in franchise history.

In 16 NHL seasons, he registered 518 goals and 891 assists for 1,409 points in 1,188 games. He also played 97 career playoff games, recording 30-69-99. Hawerchuk ranks 30th on the NHL's all-time goal-scoring leaders list, 19th on the NHL's all-time assist leaders list and 17th on the league's all-time point leaders list. (H/T - TSN.ca)

Badger always gives me grief about Hawerchuk - primarily because I like him, but also because I give him grief about his favorite goaltender, Bob Froese - but there is no arguing the man's accomplishments.

(H/T - Deathlok)

A Game Night Funny

As I type this, I am packing up my equipment for tonight's tough matchup. So, as an added incentive to my hockey team, I give you this . . .

I wonder if Samuel is available to coach my lacrosse team?

Okay, It's Time To Settle Up!

Who had "Accidental Overdose" in the pool? I gotta get you your winnings.

DANIA BEACH, Fla. - Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith died of an accidental overdose of a sleeping medication and at least eight other prescription drugs, and she had recently had a bacterial infection from injecting drugs into her buttocks, authorities said Monday. (H/T - Yahoo!)

She had "a bacterial infection from injecting drugs into her buttocks?" Must . . . resist . . . wiseass . . . comments!

Okay, we found out the cause of death. Can we now plant this toad into the ground and never speak of her again, please? Please!

BUMPED: Weekend Caption Contest Winners!

Jiminy Cricket Caption Contest
(Source: Yahoo! Sports)

Other Current Contests:
Blonde Sagacity
Bullwinklette
Cowboy Blob
Outside The Beltway
Right Pundits
TrekMedic
Wizbang

Top Five Entires:
5. "I'm a cricketer and I'm okay
I play all night and I sleep all day

I play cricket, I skip and jump
I love to press wild flow'rs
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars" - Fmragtops
4. "Sweep the leg!" - Deathlok
3. "5, 6, 7, 8, Schlemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated. We’re gonna do it!" - Randal Graves
2. "Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance." - Rodney Dill

WINNER! The two remaining contestants in the world series of "Simon Says" stare each other down after the command "Simon says raise your right leg." - John D.

The Bristol Stomp

Here's a little something to get you ready for today's Food City 500 at Bristol.

And for you non-fans, Bristol is always an exciting race; if you like a whole lot of wrecks, that is.

The Long Sticky Fingers Of The Law

Lest anyone think I won't rip one of my own - especially when it is TRULY deserved - I give you this story:

Source: Video Catches Philadelphia Officer Shoplifting (NBC10.com)

PHILADELPHIA - As if Philadelphia police don't have enough problems with crime and the criticism they've taken for the increasing number of homicides, now they seem to have a problem with allegations of a shoplifting police officer.

The alleged incident reportedly happened at a Rite Aid at American and Lehigh in the West Kensington section of Philadelphia Tuesday afternoon and was all caught by a surveillance camera. Sources told NBC 10 News that an on-duty officer in full uniform was in the store when someone reported he was shoplifting.

According to that police source, the 26th District officer was in the toy aisle and was seen taking action figures and putting them in his pockets. A source at the store, which is in the 26th District, added that he was also taking Matchbox cars.

I highlighted the more ridiculous points of this story in case anyone breezed through it. This toad was on duty and in full uniform when he was stealing children's toys! I guess he thought that either the Rite Aid cameras weren't working, or that Transformers and monster trucks were complimentary for police officers. "Um, I thought we could take some freebies, and since Rite Aid doesn't serve coffee . . . "

Cripes, if he were taking first edition Star Wars figures from 1978 - especially the hard-to-find Boba Fett with the rocket-firing backpack - I could understand. Otherwise, this moron should be arrested and fired, post haste. The last thing my department needs is another dope making the rest of us look bad.

(H/T to Woody for sending me the link.)

The Essence Of Philadelphia's Neighborhoods

If you ever wanted to see the real Philadelphia, and not that whitewashed crap you see in the movies, Captain (Soon To be Chief) Den has a terrific YouTube video posted HERE. It's a political ad for some state representative, but I recognized 98% of the places featured here, most of which are in the city's Northeast section. A lot of these sites are minutes from our homes. (About two-thirds of the way through the clip, I noticed the old municipal fields where my lacrosse team had to play during our first season.) This is my town, warts and all.

And if you are from the area, this clip is a must-see.

And Now, An Important Message From Jack Bauer

Hello, my name is Jack Bauer, and I am a federal agent with the Counter Terrorist Unit, or CTU. Recently, I spent two years being tortured in a Chinese prison, watched helplessly as Islamic terrorists detonated a nuclear device over Los Angeles, and learned that my true love died while trying to save me. While these incidents have been traumatic, I am here to alert you to an even more frightening event; the sale of Anna Nicole Smiths' diaries.

Imagine my consternation when I read this blurb at Yahoo! News:

The late Playboy model's handwritten 1992 diary was sold for $282,500 and her 1994 diary went for $230,000 in an eBay auction Thursday, plus a 20 percent buyer's premium.

Certainly, someone that has done as much for this country as Ms. Smith deserves better. Her diaries belong in The Smithsonian, alongside such great American works as The Emancipation Proclamation and the original copy of RUN DMC's masterpiece "King of Rock." As a matter of fact, the $500,000 purchase price for such priceless items is an insult: I would have paid thrice that amount.

In case you haven't caught on by now, I am being completely sarcastic here.

Let me tell you what I really think about this non-story. Anna Nicole Smith became famous because she showed her cooter to the world for money! This woman is not an American icon. this woman is not a role model. This woman had little to no moral courage. At least Nina Myers kept her clothes on for her queen's ransom.

The members of CTU Los Angeles are putting our asses on the line every day for this country. We bleed, we die, we turn on each other like a bunch of high school girls, and for what? To be upstaged by some empty-headed bimbo who wrote her diary in Crayola??? I don't think so. If I want to see about mindless idiots writing mindless thoughts, I would be watching the Democrats pontificate on C-SPAN.

We don't have time to care about Anna Nicole Smith's diaries, damnit!!!

(Cross-posted at Blogs4Bauer)

Hot Links

Here are a few interesting things from my blog pals:

Captain Den at First In! is only four hits away from #5,000. And in case you haven't been by Denny's place recently, he has hit a few home runs with his Rosie post, his hair band spectacular, and (of course) his trashing of my new SUV. He's a dink, but he's an entertaining dink.

Speaking of milestones, GOP and College earned hit #60,000 recently. Stop by and offer him congratulations for a job . . . done.

Dave from Garfield Ridge writes the greatest post of all time. It entails his two-day trip to the set of Battlestar Galactica. If you're a fanatic of BSG (like myself) or even a casual fan, you should definitely check out this adventure. I, for one, hate him (and it has nothing to do with jealousy).

Tyler D from .45 Caliber Justice has some of the funniest clips from the stupidest Swedish film of all time. Any resemblance to the officer in the clip and yours truly is strictly coincidental.

Pam from Blogmeister USA has terrific news for lacrosse fans everywhere. Of course, this should have happened months ago, but . . .

And, finally, Michael Hodges was lucky enough to appear at the Gathering of Eagles last weekend. He has yet to post about his experiences with the moonbats, but he does post a funny story about a stupid person . . .

People I Like

Yes, you read it right; this week I am posting an edition of People I Like. These posts are rarer than naked pictures of Bea Arthur. No, this is not the beginning of the "New Wyatt" who is well adjusted and not prone to violent outbursts of anger. I just wanted to change it up this week. Enjoy!

Fred Dalton Thompson

The current actor and former Tennessee Senator has been hinting at a Presidential run in 2008. Count me in as one of the GOP voters who would welcome his hat-throwing, um, into the ring, and . . . never mind. Sure, he didn't do a whole hell of a lot as the two-term Senator, but that makes him easily as qualified as The Hill-dabeast, Barack Osama, and John "Breck Girl" Edwards.

Besides, when have any of those other "candidates" carried Die Hard 2 or The Hunt for Red October? (Cue crickets.) That's what I thought. Run, Fred, run!

Kristin Kreuk

Man, it took a great while, but the creators of Smallville finally made Lana Lang interesting again. Don't get me wrong, Kristin Kreuk is always interesting for her more "tangible" assets, but her character had taken a nosedive in the intriguing department. Thankfully, she is back with a vengeance in the latter part of this season, and after marrying the evil Lex Luthor, she will surely be the center of controversy long after the summer reruns have come and gone. Sweet girls who always play nice are okay, but sweet-looking girls who can be downright evil underneath are much more attractive in my book.

Ryan Howard

The Philadelphia Phillies first basement is the 2005 Rookie of the Year, the 2006 MVP, and one of the only good things about baseball right now. What impresses me about Howard is not what he does -namely, hitting many monster home runs - but how he does it - while sporting a down-to-earth unassuming demeanor. Ryan, you're one of the best players in the game; shouldn't you be flipping off the fans, or shooting steroids into your ass? Actually, one reporter asked Howard if he was "juicing" last season, and the slugger laughed, grabbed his ample belly, and asked, "What do you think?" This is the type of person that should be representing this sport.

You Want A War? You Got One!

Am I the only out praying for Arlen Specter's (left) cancer to come back and eliminate him?

WASHINGTON - A Senate panel, following the House's lead, authorized subpoenas Thursday for White House political adviser Karl Rove and other top aides involved in the firing of federal prosecutors.

This is what America voted for last year: grandstanding inquisitions and constant political bickering.

The Senate Judiciary Committee decided by voice vote to approve the subpoenas as Republicans and Democrats sparred over whether to press a showdown with President Bush over the ousters of eight U.S. attorneys.

Go ahead, press it. For a change, Bush is firing back. I reckon he found his backbone in the pocket of his other pants.

The Senate panel voted to approve subpoenas for Rove, former White House counsel Harriet Miers and her former deputy, William Kelley. The House subcommittee Tuesday authorized subpoenas for Rove, Miers and their deputies. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Congress is itching to order a subpoena for Rove? Wow, I am truly shocked. Even the dullest moonbat can see what is happening here. The Democrats despise Rove. As such, they intend to drag him into chambers, secure him under oath, and hope that he perjures himself. Because perjury is such a mortal sin within the DNC, right Mr. Clinton?

The fact of the matter is that this "scandal" is nothing of the sort. The President has the power to dismiss any U.S. attorney for any reason. Dave from Garfield Ridge tells us why:

It is Myers v. United States (1926) that came to mind when this latest Beltway baseball kerfluffle first broke. Myers determined that the President has "the exclusive power of removing executive officers of the United States whom he has appointed by and with the advice and consent of the Senate."

Now, can we please get back to something a little more interesting, like Rosie O'Donnell's back hair?

A National Treasure Has Passed Away

Fish (my brother-in-law) must be in mourning.

NEW YORK - The balding, bespectacled nebbish who gained cult status as the oddball Larry "Bud" Melman on David Letterman's late night television shows has died after a long illness.

The Brooklyn-born Calvert DeForest, who was 85, died Monday at a hospital on Long Island, the Letterman show announced Wednesday.

He made dozens of appearances on Letterman's shows from 1982 through 2002, handling a variety of twisted duties: dueting with Sonny Bono on "I Got You, Babe," doing a Mary Tyler Moore impression during a visit to Minneapolis, handing out hot towels to arrivals at the Port Authority Bus Terminal. (H/T - Yahoo!)

If you were lucky enough (and young enough) to see DeForest perform his Larry "Bud" Melman routine, you will probably never forget it. He was hysterical, mostly because he played the role so deadpan. DeForest (along with Chris Elliott) were the highlights of Letterman's early days.

I'll miss you, Calvert!

A Tombstone Tidbit

I hate to swipe Fmragtops' This Date in History, but Rachel sent me something that I found interesting:

On this date in 1882, Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday and party left Tombstone, never to return.

Hmm. Maybe I should retire the blog today . . .

People Are Idiots

After our grand purchase yesterday, we felt that spending even more of our hard-earned money would be a swell idea, so we took the kids out to dinner. We wound up at the local diner, and took our seats. The waitress came over, took our orders, and the missus and I made a bee line to the salad bar.

What awaited me was much of the cast from a Jerry Springer highlight show.

1. The Woman Who Killed Dr. Atkins. This woman stood about 5'5", and easily weighed in at a whopping 300 pounds. Her neck rolls had neck rolls. She was at the salad bar (remember this), and this was what she slapped onto her plate: three large dinner rolls, two scoops of croutons, and some shredded cheddar cheese. She topped this concoction with blue cheese dressing. No lettuce. No vegetables. No kidding.

Hey, Rosie, I think I found the source of your unending weight gain!

2. The Catholic High School Whore. Normally, this woman would be interesting, except for the fact that she made Paris Hilton look chaste. This girl - she couldn't have been older than sixteen - was wearing her Catholic school uniform, complete with sweater, dress shirt, and "skorts." I know what you're thinking: "Wyatt, what's the problem?" Well, the problem with this tramp is that she hiked/rolled her skort up so high, that I think I could see her kidneys. That's a good (read: GREAT!) look at the nudie bar. At the local family diner? Not so much.

Good job, honey. Now go home and tell your parents you're a whore.

3. The Two Elderly Long Island Yenta Sisters. This bickering couple was just itching to be brutally beaten with the salad tongs. From the time we entered the diner, to the time they finally left, these women argued about anything and everything. Unfortunately for us, they DID SO AT SUCH A HIGH VOLUME, THAT EVERY CUSTOMER HEARD EVERY WORD!!! The final argument ended when one sister screamed, "I should slap you in the face!" I, and every other person in the diner, was privately hoping for that to happen. Morons.

Luckily for them, I didn't have my service weapon with me.

How I Spent My Day Off

. . . and a lot of my hard-earned money.

This is the 2007 Saturn VUE. (Thanks for the pic, Boris!) It's even the same color as my new 2007 model. JimmyB will appreciate that I bought American, and Fmragtops will appreciate the fact that I scoffed at the hippie hybrid version. Stupid hippies.

This thing is a dream to drive, and the AWD V6 has a lot of giddyup. It was a shame to trade in my first new car - my 1999 Saturn SC2 - but the damned thing was too low to the ground, and didn't do diddly in the snow. No worries about that now. (Of course, the wife snarked that since I bought this baby, Philly won't get another flake.)

Take a good look kids; I'm very happy today. That doesn't happen very often.

NASCAR Stats A Plenty!

Week Four has come and gone, and Rachel is still high atop the Fantasy Standings. Cripes, guys, she was born and bred in the frakkin' desert! How is she beating everyone?

Normally, I would use this occasion to trash talk, but since I'm getting my arse kicked by a chick, I shall offer a demurral.

Ah, who am I kidding? I'm coming for you, scorpion girl, and there's nothing you can do about it!!! Oh, and can someone send out a search party for my cousin Ray? 9th place? Show some pride, will ya?

Blogs4Bauer LiveBlogging!

Much like Martha Logan, I will be taking a stab at LiveBlogging tonight's episode of 24 over at Blogs4Bauer. This attempt should be easier than my last one, where I blogged a two-hour extravaganza. I'm just getting the feeling back in my fingers. Any hoo, like every CTU mole, I do not balk at bribes, so if you would like me to mention your blog during the post, the bidding starts at $100. Heh.

P.S. - The Weekend Caption Contest results are up. Scroll down for the top ten entries.

Stupid Questions

* Why is it that when people talk about who they were in "past lives" they are always someone of great importance? Not every one of these morons could have been a world ruler. You know who I was in a past life? Probably another dim-witted, overweight cop, who couldn't write his way out of a McDonald's bag.

* Does anyone on the left or in the MSM realize that a sitting President has the absolute right to fire federal prosecutors at will? He doesn't need a reason, and he owes no one an explanation, no matter what the conspiracy theorists think.

* How lame must you be if you have become a cricket "hooligan?"

"Some 200 fans Sunday brought down walls and pillars of Dhoni's house, which is under construction, in the eastern city of Ranchi to protest the 26-year-old player's performance in India's shocking defeat in Port of Spain, Trinidad."

I mean, are you kidding me? IT'S CRICKET!!!

* Does anyone else miss JAG's Catherine Bell?

FYI: The Caption Contest results will be posted this evening.

Barack Obama's Anti-Hillary Ad

After seeing Barack Osama, er, Obama's most recent campaign ad, his stock just rose around these parts. Hillary Haters, I give unto you the greatest political advertisement of all time . . .

I'm sorry for the abundance of YouTube posts of late, but this one was too good to pass up.

Hey Now, You're An All-Star!

Kyle (far right) awaiting a friendly pass.

Good news, everyone! There is finally a great athlete in the family. My six-year old son Kyle was named to his basketball league’s all-star team yesterday. This one event erases decades of lousy sports performances by yours truly. I have never been more proud.

The all-star game is scheduled for tomorrow night at 6:30pm.

Spend The Day With Some Different Saints

The final scene from The Boondock Saints. Enjoy!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Weekend Caption Contest

Whiggin' Out Caption Contest
(Source - Yahoo! Sports)

Other Current Contests:
Rodney Dill
Cowboy Blob
Right Pundits

Top 10 Entries:
10. Upon seeing George Washington holding his head in dismay after having a vision of the future of his country: "C'mon George, it isn't that bad. It isn't like they'll try to change the spirit of our founding documents or anything." - RT
9. And as a result of this, hippies are rejoicing at the availability of free, unlimited energy derived from running a turbine off of George Washington in his grave. - JimmyB
8. School's fans agree to dress as women if they lose the big game even when they knew the team had no frakking chance. - AJ Lynch
7. Dumped for Tom Brady, Edgar's world came crashing down at the Pats game. - Cowboy Blob
6. Howard Dean's new plan to portray Democrats as patriotic involves a Revolutionary makeover. - John D
5. "Tis Well The Slaves Be Exercised With Such Sport, But Who Be In The Fields At Sunrise" - Deathlok
4. All of Lance's plans came together as he and his "friend" made it on the Kissing Cam! - Sssteve
3. Confused Norwegians attend a Pirates game. - McCain
2. "Oh my God, George! Where else have you slept?" - Wil

WINNER! DRUDGEBREAKING: Ann Coulter in the news and in the dog house again for calling men dressed as Civil War admirals a couple of Farraguts. Developing. - Rodney Dill

Miss Blogs4Bauer Update

The next round in the Miss Blogs4Bauer Contest is up and running . . . and it was written by yours truly! I mean, if that's not enough to get you over there to vote, I don't know what is.

Then again, this week's matchup may peak your interest . . .










You can cast your vote HERE.

Hometown Celluloid Heroes

Once in a while - a great while - it is fun to be from Philadelphia. Especially when you are a movie fan. The upcoming Mark Wahlberg film Shooter was filmed in my hometown, and when I saw my fair city in the trailer, a post idea also appeared. Name the three best films shot in (or somewhat nearby) your town.

My three are as follows (in reverse order):

3. Unbreakable. Remember when M. Night Shyamalan made good films? Unbreakable is, in my opinion, his best. Filmed in and around Philadelphia, this comic book inspired tale had you believing in superheroes. It was Heroes before Heroes. And, in classic Shyamalan fashion, the surprise ending was a jaw-dropper. Take a few points off its total because of Samuel Jackson's terrible hair, but otherwise, this is a truly great movie.

2. Rocky. What? You thought this would be an easy number one? Please. The Academy Award winner for Best Picture (1976) is one of the all-time greats, but the original Rocky didn't make my number one out of spite. I mean, everyone in this berg just gushes over the film so much that it loses some of its appeal. It's a great story with a great ending, filmed in and around some once-great neighborhoods. Take a few points off its total because those same neighborhoods are now crack-infested homicide dens. I should know, I pushed a patrol car around there for six years, and my first homicide occurred just down the street from Adrian and Paulie's house.

1. Witness. I love this film. Harrison Ford. Kelly McGillis. Danny Glover before he became a liberal hippie. And a bunch of Amish and faux Amish (like Viggo Mortensen and Alexander Gudonov) actors. The movie was shot in Philadelphia and nearby Lancaster County, expertly contrasting the filth of the city and the purity of Amish Country. In my opinion, Witness does more for this city and its surrounding region than Rocky ever will, because it is honest. When you watch the scenes inside the police stations, they are just as dingy and dirty as they are now. The streets are tough and the cops are tougher. It's Philly, man. Without the candy topping.

So, does anyone else want to play? Let's hear three of your local favorites.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Confesses To 9-11 Attacks

To quote Jon Lovitz (as Michael Dukakis): "I can't believe we were successfully attacked by this guy!"

WASHINGTON - Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the suspected mastermind of the Sept. 11 attacks, confessed to that attack and a string of others during a military hearing at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, according to a transcript released Wednesday by the Pentagon.

Great. So can we execute him now or what?

Mohammed claimed responsibility for planning, financing, and training others for bombings ranging from the 1993 attack at the World Trade Center to the attempt by would-be shoe bomber Richard Reid to blow up a trans-Atlantic flight with explosives hidden in his shoes. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Oh, I've got a question: why did it take four years to drag a confession out of this piece of crap? this is the problem with Club Gitmo; it is actually run like a vacation spot. Stop giving these "people" movie nights. Stop giving these "people" soccer balls. Stop giving these "people" Korans!!! They're the frakkin' enemy! Give them what they deserve: NOTHING!

Good Luck Tonight, Vinnie!

Vincent Antonelli sent this to me in hopes that I would post it for him. He needs some extra power for tonight's crucial game. Normally, I don't do requests, but there was something about this photo that "moved" me to action.

Mmm . . . Finnish ice hockey players!

8:00pm Update: I just sent everyone a text message. I'm going to have to miss tonight's game - my first of the season. I'm still sick as a dog, and the fever has been holding me down. I feel shame.

Where Are They Now?

When I first started blogging, well, re-blogging in June 2005, I made a lot of "blog friends." They were people who commented here and linked my blog, and I gladly reciprocated. It wasn't a huge circle of friends, but there was a decent number of us. I did my best to visit their blogs every day, and comment if I had something non-idiotic to say; which was rare.

A week or so ago, I was talking to Rachel via e-mail, and she noticed something that I didn't want to admit to myself: many of my original blog friends stopped posting, or now only post sporadically. And I'm ashamed to say that it bothers me a little.

Yes, I know. I'm a selfish bastard. Welcome to SYLG.

Don't get me wrong, I respect their choice to stop or slow down a little. God knows I didn't think I'd still be doing this for so long. And as the wife always tells me, I could take this blog time and re-direct it back to the kids, leisure time, or sleep. All worthwhile goals. But I'm emotionally torn. Watching terrific bloggers like The Man and Woody retire is disappointing because if talents like these are quitting, a circus clown like me has no business in the blogosphere.

The fact of the matter is that The Man and Woody retired. Grimjack hasn't posted since November. And Damian, Deathlok, Rachel, Insol, Sssteve, and Uber blog only sporadically. (Uber has an excuse - she's writing a book. I heard from Doc today - he is having Blogger issues. And Rachel is having severe back issues.) Nevertheless, for two years these folks have pushed me to write to the best of my ability, and when they aren't posting, I kind of feel like one of Angelina Jolie's "children."

It's kind of like college at the end of the school year when some of your friends are graduating, and some are dropping out. You know next fall won't be the same. You want to be happy for your friends who are graduating, but you're going to miss them, so part of you is disappointed. That being said, you also know you'll make new friends next year, and life will go on.

This is not a plea for everyone to start posting on a daily basis. I just wanted to let my blog friends know that I miss them.

This Should Be The Weekend Caption Contest!

Look at that background. You realize she's giving us all the finger, right?

Sports Shorts

My lacrosse team started of the 2007 season today with a scrimmage against Kennedy-Kenrick High School. Although it was only a scrimmage, it was our only one before the season opener against Valley Forge Military Academy on Saturday. Thus, we needed to be ready to rock and roll.

The boys didn't disappoint. After a sluggish start, they took it to the Wolverines, beating them by a score of 10-2. Our goaltender only needed to make six saves in the win, and our starting attacker had a total of 7 points (5 goals, and 2 assists). It was almost worth coaching the game with my 101 degree fever.

It other good news, our hockey team keeps rolling. We beat Doc's Inn on Sunday night by a score of 7-4. It was our sixth straight win, and we have only lost twice in the last thirteen games. Randal had another stellar game, and Vinnie set up a third period goal with one of the best backhand passes I have seen in a long time. Badger and Fish were solid on the defense, and I learned an important lesson:

Never volunteer to play ice hockey when you're sick as a dog. I stunk up the joint, but in all fairness, I was also at death's door. Our next game is tomorrow night at 10:30pm.

Finally, our NASCAR Fantasy League is up and running, and after week three, Rachel is in the lead position. (For the record, these standings are doctored, because GOP and College forgot to sit his teams at Daytona.) Hillbilly Horsepower is right on her tail, and yours truly is in third.

My friend Bill is in fourth, GOP is in fifth, RT is currently in sixth.

My jerkass cousin Ray is in 7th - although his team name is awesome - and Randal is in 8th. My Uncle Ray is in 9th, and jLow is our cellar dweller. Don't forget to choose your drivers this week, kids!

Simon Says, "You're A Cheap Shot Artist"

In case you haven't seen it yet, this is how the New York Islanders' Chris Simon recently said hello to the New York Rangers" Ryan Hollweg.



Nice, huh? This is what Simon said after he received his 25-game suspension:

"I want to apologize to my team and Islanders fans everywhere. My actions Thursday night played a major part in our team losing a crucial game."

Maybe it's me, but I don't see where he apologized to Ryan Hollweg, the man he slashed across the face. Simon is and always was a no-talent goon. Considering this sneak attack, Simon is also (in the immortal words of Randal Graves) a "puss-aah."

Retire Simon, and don't come back, for the good of the game.

Just Shoot HIM!

Editor's Note: The following story is 100% true, and I'm still enraged by it.

And the bad day continued . . .

After work, I trudged off to lacrosse practice, and watched as my team collapsed before my eyes. Long story short: we aren't ready for the season. Unfortunately, our first scrimmage is in 16 hours. And I'm still sick. Damnit.

So, I'm driving home when I come to an intersection. I have the red light, and three African-American utes - yes, I did say "utes" - were crossing in front of my car. The oldest of the trio was eleven years old . . . maybe. The oldest is last in line, and slows down in front of my car. I look up from the radio tuner, and he looks at me, smiles, and holds up a black revolver.

I should mention here that although it was black and gray, I knew it was a toy. A realistic-looking toy, but a toy nonetheless. I knew it was a toy; a civilian may not have come to the same conclusion, but I digress.

The little cherub held the revolver in front of his face, with the muzzle pointed away from me. I guess he was ballsy, but not that ballsy. He smiles again, and mutters something that ended with "Whitey." (Hooray, I am now "Whitey!") Immediately thereafter, he pulls the revolver to his face, and kisses the chamber. He smiles again, gives me "the stare," and finishes crossing the street.

As I stared him down, enraged, I figured I had three options:

1. Identify myself as a police officer, pull my service weapon, smite him; thus saving humanity from more dullard children, and gleefully drive away.

2. Return his "Whitey" comment with the "N"-word, smite him, then smite his friends (and his friends' friends) before gleefully driving away.

3. Bite my tongue, say nothing, and drive away in anger.

Unfortunately for the future of humanity, I chose option #3. Why? Well, it's only partly because I'm a pussy. I figured that if I confronted this piece of human filth, even after identifying myself, I would be sued for harassment and other nonsensical issues. Someone would get my tag number, and this toad's parents would cry police brutality, even though I would have been perfectly justified in shooting this scum.

The real problem I had here - besides the fact that a pre-teen probably shouldn't be threatening people with a toy gun - is that this sort of behavior is acceptable. Hell, it's not only acceptable, it is encouraged in some poorer communities. I mean, if Biggie and Tupac can pack heat, why can't an eleven year old? The result: our thugs are getting younger . . . and dumber. And if a gun-toting civilian shot this prick dead, the media would have crucified him, the thug's family would have told everyone he was a model child/citizen, and the civilian would be brought up on charges. Bet on it.

Considering all of those possible outcomes, I just drove away.

Just Shoot Me

Today has been a very bad day. If you spent your Monday cleaning the melted chocolate from Rosie O'Donnell's fat rolls, I'll wager you still had a better day than me. For today, I spent eight excruciating hours at MPO training.

MPO training is the police equivalent of a prostate examination. It is our annual training and recertification, taught by fellow officers who make Al Gore and John Kerry look exuberant. On Friday, I spent eight hours "learning" about legal updates and identity crimes. The pertinent information could have been disseminated in an hour, yet the department stretched it to eight.

Today, I had an exciting eight hours of "Gangs." Allow me to paint you a (drab) picture. Our instructor seemed nice enough, but after the first hour, I noticed an unsettling trend: she mispronounced a lot of common words. "Certain" became cer-TAIN. "Weaponry" became "weaponTry." It was bizarre-EY; I mean, bizarre. Any hoo, the instructor read verbatim from the lesson plan in a brutal monotone for four hours, pausing only thrice to make her social commentary of the white supremacy gangs. (Suffice to say, she seemed to think a lot of white people - read: most - belonged to those groups.) Soon, most of us were contemplating pulling a Richard Jeni.

By the end of the day I retained only one little tidbit of interesting information: Serena Williams apparently showed the "Crips" gang sign in the sisters' Got Milk? ad.

BUMPED: Weekend Caption Contest Results

Pushmi-Pullyu Caption Contest
(Source: Yahoo!)

Other Current Contests:
Rodney Dill
Bagel Blogger
Cowboy Blob

The Top Ten Entries:
10. Calm your ass down, young man! - Big White Hat
9. NY Times Headline: Three American Servicemen make untoward advances toward Ibn Wirqin Ondaraylrode's wife. - Fmragtops
8. "How did you get your ass stuck in the mud anyway??" - Dragon Lady
7. Yup, the burro is a Democrat. We wind up doing the work while the Jackass eats up our corn. - chsw
6. Cutting the budget even farther, The Democrats replace the Humvee with the Donkee. - Wagonsux
5. The 23rd Armored Infantry after the Democrats cut off funding. - The Man
4. "Ya, Hillary, Ya!" - Rodney Dill
3. Introducing President Bush's plan to increase the safety of our troops with the armored plated burros. - Randal Graves
2. Al-Jazeera headline: Brutal American Occupiers Kick Iraqi Boy's Ass. - John D

WINNER! - Come On, Iraq!! Move Your Ass!! - Deathlok

Thanks, everyone, there ere a lot of terrific entries! Oh, and in a related manner, yours truly took an Honorable Mention in OTB's Caption Contest. You can see the winners HERE.

Um . . . Sorry

I owe y'all an apology.

First, I owe you an apology for just writing "y'all" when I am a Yankee. There is just no excuse for such behavior.

Second, I owe everyone an apology because posting has been lacking (in both number and originality/content). There are two reasons for this. Lacrosse season is upon us, and when I work the day shift, I go straight to the field to coach. I haven't been getting home until 7pm most nights, and I am usually exhausted. Also, I am sick as a dog. I caught the flu from the kids, and have been feeling like death since Saturday. I can't take a break, since we have a hockey game tonight, and three guys (out of our 13) already bailed. I'm stuck.

In spite of my slacking, I appreciate the fact that you are still stopping by to read this dreck. I intend to sweat the flu out of me tonight, and should be back to normal by tomorrow night, where my usually stellar posting will continue.

Thanks again for your continued support.

Happy Birthday, Osama!

Just when I thought I couldn't get any sicker today, I found out that it is Osama bin Laden's 50th birthday. Congratulations, you don't look a day over 200.

Feel free to choke on your cake, you prick!

Like A Stake Through My Heart

There is no God.

Next up for Salma Hayek is a wedding and a baby carriage.

The 40-year-old actress is engaged to businessman Francois-Henri Pinault and is pregnant with their first child, her spokeswoman, Cari Ross, said Friday in a statement. No further details were provided. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Damnit. And to a cheese-eatin' French surrender monkey, too. What's next? Will Jessica Biel marry Al Franken???

Miss Blogs4Bauer Contest Update

This week's matchup is posted at Blogs4Bauer, pitting Teri "Worm Food" Bauer against uber-sultry Collette Stenger (below). I don't think there's really a choice here, do you?

This week's matchup ends on Monday. You can cast your vote HERE.

When Geezers Attack

C. Montgomery Burns will be squaring off against the winner.

LEWISTON, Maine - All of that Florida sun must be getting to Maine snowbird Roland Fortin. The 91-year-old has laid down a challenge to box fitness guru Jack LaLanne, who's 92. Fortin, former "cut man" for retired boxing champ Joey Gamache, said the idea for the four-round bout was hatched at the Tropical Gym in Pompano Beach, where Fortin works out during the winter in Florida. (H/T - Yahoo!).

No matter which one of these fossils is knocked out, the winner here will be the advertisers. Do you hear me, Geritol?