Weekend Caption Contest

Red Menace Caption Contest
(Source: AP)

Other Great Contests:
Blonde Sagacity
Cowboy Blob
Gone Rick Motel
Right Pundits
Rodney Dill (I scored an honorable mention here last week.)
RT (I tied for first place here last week!)
Wizbang

B.C.

B.C.








Top Ten Entries:
10. Elmo wants out, man! - Rick
9. I'm the king of the world! - DragonLady474
8. Inmate caught escaping from Sesame Street. - Big White Hat
7. Paparazzi caught a picture of Senator Kennedy trying to leave the alcohol rehab center. - BobG
6. New Breaking and Entering Elmo, complete with wire cutters. - Deathlok
5. After incarceration Tickle-me-Elmo soon became known as Bugger-me-Elmo. - Rodney Dill
4. Unfortunately Elmo's attempt to go over the wall ended tragically. His rotting corpse was left hanging as a reminder to other muppets who thought about trying to escape. - Molly
3. Elmo was overheard saying, "Anybody wanna give me some 'test-tickles?' I just got mine caught on this goddamn wire!" - Uncle Ray
2. George Bush doesn't care about red people. - The Man

WINNER! - B.C.'s Club Gitmo Photoshop.

Come Get Some!

Power, baby. It's all about the power.

What alien species are you?(Star Wars) Aqualish Known for anger and being a bit extreme at times. However, you are powerful.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

This Just In: More Clinton Shenanigans

I know; I was shocked, too. I mean, it's not like the Clintons to try a dirty trick or to attempt legal action to win an election, right?

LAREDO, Texas - Hillary Rodham Clinton's campaign has raised the possibility of a challenge to Texas' primary and caucus rules just days before the contest, drawing a warning against legal action from the state's Democratic Party.

Well, let me just pull out my handy dandy notebook. Uh-huh. Cried to win a primary? Check. Got angry to win a primary? Check. Threatened legal action to win a primary? Gotta check that one off, too.

Aides to Clinton said earlier this week they were alarmed at the lack of clarity about many of the caucus rules and expressed their concerns on a conference call with Obama's staff and state party officials. Texas has a two-step voting process, with a primary and then caucuses shortly after the polls close.

If the Hill-debeast campaign was so confused about the Texas primary rules, they should have had the foresight to mention it a lot sooner than they did. The mere fact that they are ignorant matter is an mortal sin on their part, and sheds some light into why Clinton is being slaughtered in the polls.

Specifically, Clinton aides questioned a provision allowing caucus attendees to vote to move the location if they choose to do so, and whether people who had cast so-called "provisional ballots" in the primary would have their votes counted in the caucus.

Nice. Break out the "Count Every Vote" argument. It's funny how when it suits their needs, some Dems want to count every vote. When it doesn't - remember the military ballots of 2000 and 2004? - some Dems couldn't care less. Hell, Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell opposed extending the deadline for soldiers' absentee ballots in the 2004 election!

[Clinton political director Gus Cecil said] "We want to see the results in writing, and we reserve the right to challenge something if we don't believe it reflects something that was discussed on the call," he said, insisting that if there were clear problems with how the caucuses were being run, "you are allowed to say something about it." (H/T - AP via Yahoo!)

And there it is. The Clinton camp is setting the stage for legal action if the Texas vote doesn't go her way. She'll tie up the results in court for weeks (a la Al Gore) and do even more damage to an already split party.

I swear, I can't tell which party is experiencing more infighting anymore, because the battles change from day to day. November cannot come soon enough.

It May Just Be The Guinness Talking . . .

But I've come to the conclusion that I am not a very good hockey player. We lost tonight's game by a score of 4-1, and I played terribly. I was a -2 defensively, gave a pass away to a streaking 32 Degrees player (who scored immediately thereafter), and blew a pretty nice breakaway because I wasn't paying attention to the opposing defense.

Don't get me wrong, I try. I really, really do. Unfortunately, I am not committed enough to the weight loss competition to lose the poundage I need to become fast again. Mentally, I know what I should be doing, but when I put it into practice, I usually screw it up. I'm a frakkin' forward: I should be scoring points. I'm not, and I'm hurting the team because of it - and only a mere week or so before the playoffs.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna sober up and feel sorry for myself. Maybe this photo of Jessica Simpson will lift my spirits . . .

Nah, still depressed.

MOVE Members Up For Parole

And I can almost guarantee that these animals get their wish. I mean, they're just political prisoners who were defending themselves against racist white cops. Who can blame them for murdering one of them, right?

Seven MOVE members who have been behind bars since 1978 for their part in the shoot-out that killed Philadelphia Police Officer James Ramp and injured seven others are up for parole soon - amid a swell of opposition from police and prosecutors.

The seven are scheduled for parole interviews in April, and it will then be up to the state Board of Probation and Parole to decide whether they would be able to walk out of prison. Five of nine votes would be required for parole to be granted.

I wonder how many left-wing hippies will be on the board? I am sure one or two of the members will feel that the prisoners are "rehabilitated," and "served their time." After all, thirty years for killing a cop is more than enough in some people's eyes.

All nine were found guilty of third-degree murder in the shooting death of Ramp, and the attempted murders of the others shot and injured that day, when police tried to evict 12 adults and 11 children from their headquarters at 33d and Pearl Streets in Powelton Village.

See? They are model citizens without a history of violence! I am sure that when they are released, they will all become pillars of the community.

Prosecutors contended there was no doubt the fatal shot came from inside the MOVE house because a ballistics match between a weapon found in the house and bullet fragments in Ramp's body proved that the rifle killed him.

Don't worry, folks. I am sure the evidence was planted.

As Common Pleas Judge Edwin S. Malmed sentenced them, the defendants shouted obscenities at him.

Wouldn't you, if you were just railroaded by the corrupt system? Free Huey!

MOVE member Ramona Africa said yesterday that she hoped the parole board doesn't force them to serve their maximums.

I swear to God, if I had my way, this piece of garbage would not have made it out of the Osage Avenue compound alive.

"We have no confidence in this system," she said. "Of course they want to come home. They've been away from their family for 30 years. But we never expect anything right from this system." (H/T - The Philadelphia Inquirer)

Ya know what, Ramona? James Ramp has been away from his family for 30 years, too, and he's never coming home; thanks to you and your fellow filthy animals.

FBI Opens Investigation Of Roger Clemens

Okay, it's enough, already!

WASHINGTON - The FBI has begun investigating whether Roger Clemens lied to Congress when he denied taking performance-enhancing drugs. FBI agents in Washington opened the case a little more than two weeks after Clemens and Brian McNamee, his former personal trainer, testified at a House committee hearing Feb. 13, each accusing the other of lying.

"The request to open an investigation on the congressional testimony of Roger Clemens has been turned over to the FBI and will receive appropriate investigative action by the FBI's Washington field office," FBI spokeswoman Debra Weierman said Thursday.

The inquiry announcement came one day after two leaders of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee asked Attorney General Michael Mukasey to investigate Clemens. The probe could result in charges against Clemens of perjury, making false statements or obstruction of justice. Lawmakers did not ask for a similar investigation of McNamee. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Can you believe this nonsense? Do the members of this committee have nothing better to do than legislate baseball? Is this why these congressmen were elected?

Do me a favor and follow my lead. Click on this link and if you see any committee members from your home state, VOTE THEM OUT OF OFFICE!!! Republican or Democrat, conservative or liberal, we need to send these politicians a message. They are wasting valuable time and money on an issue that most of the general public doesn't care about.

I think the steroid abuse in baseball is a disgrace, too. You know what I'm doing about it? I'm not watching! See how easy that is? Idiots.

The Barack Obama Defense Plan

Does this scare the hell out of anyone else? Hillary Clinton is a joke, but Barack Obama is dangerous. (You may need to turn up the volume on the video.)

(H/T - LC 0311 crunchie I.M.H.)

I think Obama's supporters are right. He is The Second Coming. The Second Coming of Neville Chamberlain! With that in mind, I present this:

Top Ten Barack Obama Defense Initiatives

10. Military megaphones to politely ask al Qaeda to be nice.
9. Michelle Obama will only approve weapons that make her "proud."
8. Flintlock rifles will become the American weapon of choice.
7. American flags will be replaced with Earth flags.
6. To deter missile defense ideas, Star Wars films will be banned.
5. The new Secretary of Defense? Cindy Sheehan.
4. Goodbye Raptors, hello SPADs!
3. The U.S. military will be disbanded and reassigned as meter maids.
2. An impenetrable American Maginot Line will be constructed at once.

And the number one Barack Obama defense initiative is . . .

1. All assault rifles will be loaded with flowers instead of bullets.

An Important Message For Idiots In Arizona

Are you an idiot? If so, do you live in Arizona? If you answered "yes" to these questions, then you need to read this important information. Apparently, the citizens of Arizona are receiving an absurd e-mail from the dumbest phishing scheme ever devised. Here is the actual e-mail (sent to me from Rachel):

To help the government fight the funding of terrorism and money laundering activities, Federal law requires all Arizona Federal Credit Unions and Credit Unions to obtain, verify, and record information that identifies each person who has an account, including investors in transactions for which we act as advisor.

What this means for you:

If you are a member of any Federal Credit Union or Credit Union in Arizona please provide your name, social security number, address, date of birth, financial information and/or other information that will allow us to identify you. We may also ask to see your driver's license or other identifying documents.

Please follow the link below to continue:

Dear people of Arizona, I realize that it gets insanely hot in your state at times, and what with the tarantulas, scorpions, and the Arizona Cardinals, life can be pretty miserable. However, if even one of you fall for this scheme, you deserve to lose every penny you have ever saved.

That is all.

Introducing The Banana Guard

You can't make this stuff up, folks. I truly don't know whether to be amazed or disgusted, but apparently, this is a legitimate product with a legitimate purpose.

This is taken directly from Wallbike:

The Banana Guard allows for the safe transport and storage of individual bananas letting you enjoy perfect banana anytime, anywhere.

The Banana Guard was specially designed to fit the vast majority of bananas. Its other features include multiple small perforations to facilitate ventilation thereby preventing premature ripening and a sturdy locking mechanism to keep the Banana Guard closed. The Banana Guard is of course dishwasher safe for easy cleaning.

The NEW design is more rigid and features a new closure, pictured left. (H/T - RT)

Um, okayyy . . . Is it just me, or do these Banana Guards look a little like, um, well . . . Never mind. Of course, the company would be wise to not include words and phrases like "fit the vast majority of bananas," "to facilitate ventilation," and "rigid" if they wanted to be taken seriously. Heh, heh, "rigid."

God, I am such a juvenile. Feel free to make make sarcastic, sophomoric remarks in the comments section.

Pam Anderson Files Annulment Papers

Wow, I really thought this marriage - it's her seventh or eighth, right? - would be the one that lasted forever.

Pamela Anderson has filed papers, asking a Los Angeles Superior Court judge to annul her marriage to former Paris Hilton sex-tape co-star, Rick Salomon. In the filing, obtained by Access Hollywood, Anderson is seeking the annulment after only two months of marriage, citing "fraud" as the reason for the split.

It's always dangerous when someone who made a living showing her cans and acting in terrible films (See: Barb Wire) uses the word "fraud" about someone else.

Anderson and Salomon married on October 6, 2007, at the Mirage Hotel in Las Vegas, where the former "Baywatch" babe has recently been performing alongside magician Hans Klok.

Let me guess: Klok's finale was making Pam's clothing disappear?

During an appearance on the "The Ellen DeGeneres Show," Anderson previously told the talk show host she fell in love with Salomon after they worked out a deal over a $250,000 gambling debt the actress had amassed.

A $250,000 gambling debt. huh? Looks like Pam is just as smart as ever. Couldn't she just make a new home video and "work it off?" Oh, wait . . .

"I paid off a poker debt with sexual favors, and I fell in love," Anderson said. "It's so romantic." (H/T - Yahoo!)

It's so romantic? Is she on crack, or simply having a bad reaction to her Hep-C medication? Will someone please get me the duct tape before my head explodes? Look, Pam, I used to think you were uber-hot, so I'll be straight with you. You're forty years old. You've been married (and soon divorced) three times. You have two children, and you're battling Hepatitis C.

Maybe, just maybe, it's time to slow down and grow up.

Meet The Joker

So, last week the dreaded super flu - thank God it wasn't Captain Trips - worked its way around the Earp household. The last victim was Erik, who spent his entire day sleeping and drinking red Gatorade. After downing a huge glass of the red menace, he passed out on the couch. When I cam to check up on him, I noticed the juice left a Joker-like grin on his otherwise placid face. Heh, I had to get a photo of this, with the appropriate headline"

"Supervillain defeated by flu."
(You can see it better if you click the photo.)

"Wait til they get a load of me . . ."

Hillary Clinton: The End Is Nigh

I am not a Clinton supporter by any means, but in my opinion, if you give someone your political support, you don't cut and run when the candidate's poll numbers go into the terlet.

WASHINGTON - Civil rights leader John Lewis has dropped his support for Hillary Rodham Clinton's presidential bid in favor of Barack Obama, according to a newspaper report Wednesday.

Lewis, a Democratic congressman from Atlanta, is the most prominent black leader to defect from Clinton's campaign in the face of near-majority black support for Obama in recent voting. He also is a superdelegate who gets a vote at this summer's national convention in Denver.

"It's been a long, hard difficult struggle to come to where I am," Lewis told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution in an interview. "But when I am, as a superdelegate, I plan to cast my vote at the convention for Barack Obama." (H/T - AP via Yahoo!)

While it is still a laugh riot to see what is happening to Her Cankleness' campaign, Lewis' actions tell me a lot about the man. Apparently in Washington, D.C., it is perfectly acceptable to stab someone in the back when it suits your needs. Dr. King would be ashamed of you, Mr. Lewis.

Humpday History Highlight

How much do you know about America's first aircraft carrier?

February 27, 1942 - U.S. aircraft carrier Langley is sunk

On this day, the U.S. Navy's first aircraft carrier, the Langley, is sunk by Japanese warplanes (with a little help from U.S. destroyers), and all of its 32 aircraft are lost.

To quote Johnny Carson, "I did not know that."

The Langley was launched in 1912 as the naval collier (coal transport ship) Jupiter. After World War I, the Jupiter was converted into the Navy's first aircraft carrier and rechristened the Langley, after aviation pioneer Samuel Pierpoint Langley. It was also the Navy's first electrically propelled ship, capable of speeds of 15 knots. On October 17, 1922, Lt. Virgil C. Griffin piloted the first plane, a VE-7-SF, launched from the Langley's decks. Although planes had taken off from ships before, it was nevertheless a historic moment. After 1937, the Langley lost the forward 40 percent of her flight deck as part of a conversion to seaplane tender, a mobile base for squadrons of patrol bombers.

Remember the good old days when American ingenuity was second-to-none? I mean, converting a coal ship into an aircraft carrier? It's so simple, yet so ingenious.

On December 8, 1941, the Langley was part of the Asiatic Fleet in the Philippines when the Japanese attacked. She immediately set sail for Australia, arriving on New Year's Day, 1942. On February 22, commanded by Robert P. McConnell, the Langley, carrying 32 Warhawk fighters, left as part of a convoy to aid the Allies in their battle against the Japanese in the Dutch East Indies.

And the Langley was another of the lucky carriers to be out to see during the Pearl Harbor attack.

On February 27, the Langley parted company from the convoy and headed straight for the port at Tjilatjap, Java. About 74 miles south of Java, the carrier met up with two U.S. escort destroyers when nine Japanese twin-engine bombers attacked. Although the Langley had requested a fighter escort from Java for cover, none could be spared.

The first two Japanese bomber runs missed their target, as they were flying too high, but the Langley's luck ran out the third time around and it was hit three times, setting the planes on her flight deck aflame. The carrier began to list. Commander McConnell lost his ability to navigate the ship. McConnell ordered the Langley abandoned, and the escort destroyers were able to take his crew to safety. Of the 300 crewmen, only 16 were lost. The destroyers then to sank the Langley before the Japanese were able to capture it. (H/T - History.com)

I love the This Day In History feature at History.com. Every time I check it out, I learn something new. And, believe me, I need all the learnin' I can get. I'm a big, dumb guy, remember?

Cagney And (Very) Lacy

Listen closely. You can actually hear him hitting puberty.

Obviously, Poland's underwear exhibit is not for pantywaists. Where can I get my tickets?

OPATOWEK, Poland (Feb. 26) - Victoria has no secrets in this Polish town.

In an exhibition that's making some Poles do a double-take, the Museum of Industry in Opatowek has chronicled the evolution of women's underwear from the knee-length knickers and tight corsets of the early 20th century to the skimpy thongs of today.

"Undergarments were pretty much kept well out of sight in the old days," said Ewa Sieranska, curator at the Central Textile Museum in Lodz, which loaned 140 items to the exhibit called "From Pantaloons to G-Strings."

"At the beginning of the 20th century you couldn't show them at all, and later only a little bit, whereas now they're everywhere," she added. (H/T - AOL)

Boy, I really have to stop making fun of Polish people. They are much smarter than I ever gave them credit for, because this exhibit looks awesome! Most American curators would get their panties in a bunch over such a display. Heh, I made a punny. You can keep your King Tut nonsense. I want panties! (Well, I want to see them, not wear them.)

And, before you ask, here's a look at the underwear I usually sport:

Relax, I'm only joking. I don't wear underwear. Commando, baby!

Michael Jackson May Lose Neverland Ranch

Now where will he play "Hide the Other Glove" with the five-year olds?

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Michael Jackson's famed Neverland Valley Ranch in California will be foreclosed and sold on March 19 unless the pop star pays a balance of nearly $25 million, property records showed on Tuesday.

FoxNews.com celebrity columnist Roger Friedman reported on the Web site (www.foxnews.com) that Jackson has been formally apprised of the foreclosure and that legal documents have also been filed with the Santa Barbara County Recorder's office.

"You are in default of a deed of trust ...," Jackson was told in the five-page filing, according to a copy of the document published by FoxNews.com. "Unless you take action to protect your property it may be sold at a public sale." (H/T - Yahoo!)

If I were Jackson, after fixing my nose, I would hurry up and get some scratch for the mortgage. Otherwise, Paula Poundstone may snatch the Ranch from underneath him. Heh.

Rioters Try To Attack U.S. Consulate

Oh, for frak's sake, just shoot them already!

And to think, we were going to take our family vacation there this year.

BANJA LUKA, Bosnia-Herzegovina (AP) -- Police fired tear gas at Bosnian Serb rioters Tuesday to prevent them from storming the building of the U.S. Consulate after protests against Kosovo's independence.

A smaller group split away from the almost 10,000 peaceful protesters in Banja Luka and headed toward the U.S. Consulate, breaking shop windows along the way and throwing stones at police who blocked the streets leading to the building with armored vehicles.

Several officers were seen limping after a rain of stones poured down on them before police fired tear gas to disperse the crowd. (H/T - CNN)

When I joke about one of those "loser countries," Bosnia-Herzegovina is usually at the top of my list. These knuckleheads have been infighting since 1992 - when the country declared its independence from Yugoslavia - and after sixteen years of violence, nothing has changed. They're the Somalia of Europe.

Do you see the pattern here? A portion of the former Yugoslavia declares its independence, sparks a war, then settles down before the nonsense starts again!

My only question is this: if this violence has been indicative of the area for almost two decades, why do we still have a consulate there? Pack up, get out of Dodge, and let them destroy each other.

Can You Do Me A Favor?

Great Northwest blogger and Friend of SYLG Sssteve (pictured, right) is less than 50 hits away from #20,000. His job demands that he travel the country on business trips - read: nudie bar junkets - and hasn't been able to post for a week or so. However, I thought that we could welcome him home with his long-awaited hit milestone.

Can you please take a moment out of your day and visit First With Flair? I sure would appreciate it, and will build many churches in your honor.

Also - last one, I promise - if you get the chance, please visit Deathlok's blog and wish him a speedy recovery. He recently had wrist surgery, but is still blogging about matters of great importance HERE. Oh, and he's also about 150 hits away from #15,000.

Thanks again! I now return you to SYLG's regular boring blog posts.

UPDATE: Sssteve hit #20,000 today (it was RT). Deathlok is still about 120 away from 15,000. Thanks, everyone!

Suspect Killed By Philadelphia Police

Boo hoo. The good news? No Philadelphia police officers were hurt.

A plainclothes police officer shot and killed a 38-year-old man in the Francisville section of North Philadelphia yesterday afternoon, the fourth person to die this year at the hands of police.

Here's a news flash to the family of this thug: if you pull a gun on a Philadelphia police officer, you're gonna die. And we're not going to lose a lot of sleep over it, either.

The man shot yesterday, identified as John Styles of North Philadelphia, was pronounced dead at the scene, 16th and Swain Streets, by authorities about 1:30 p.m. Police said he had a lengthy arrest record dating to 1989 on assault, drugs and weapons offenses.

Oh, so he was a model citizen. At least that's what Styles' family will scream to the local (idiot) media.

Police Commissioner Charles H. Ramsey, who has been tasked by Mayor Nutter to review the Police Department's use of deadly force, visited the scene shortly after the shooting.

At least he's out and about. Sylvester Johnson spent most of his time in his office . . . or at his home in Delaware!

Ramsey said the dead man, a drug suspect, had a gun drawn when two plainclothes officers approached him. One of the officers fired a single shot, killing him. (H/T - The Philadelphia Inquirer)

To quote the song from Filter: "Hey, man. Nice shot."

For all of you thugs out there who are thinking about pulling a gun on a Philadelphia police officer, I suggest you watch The Untouchables. While watching this cinematic masterpiece, I would draw your attention to Sean Connery's quote when he first meets Eliot Ness:

"You just fulfilled the first rule of law enforcement: make sure when your shift is over you go home alive. Here endeth the lesson."

Just A Random Thought

I have been watching Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, and so far, it's been pretty damned entertaining. Of course, a lot of the entertainment revolves around robo-hottie Summer Glau (far left), who plays the protective terminator named "Cameron."

Yeah, not much else here. I just wanted to post a picture of this fabulous babe. As you were.

Politics: It's Stab-tastic!

Wow, and I thought the political debate here got a little hairy. No wonder they call Pennsylvania a "Battleground State."

COLLEGEVILLE, Pa. (CBS 3) - The Montgomery County District Attorney's Office is investigating a politically motivated stabbing that left one in-law hospitalized and another in prison.

Authorities said brother-in-laws Jose Ortiz and Sean Shurelds were involved in a verbal altercation over Democratic presidential hopefuls Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton when the argument escalated into a stabbing inside their family home on Honey Locust Court in Collegeville.

Authorities said Ortiz, a registered Republican and Clinton supporter, allegedly stabbed Shurelds, an Obama supporter, in the stomach. Ortiz told police Shurelds began to choke him, so he grabbed a knife and stabbed him.

"Their verbal argument turned physical, one began choking the other, and then the victim of the choking took a kitchen knife and stabbed his brother-in-law in the stomach," Montgomery County District Attorney Risa Veti Ferman said.

Shurelds was flown to an area hospital and was listed in critical condition. He is expected to recover from his wounds. Ortiz, 28, was jailed on $20,000 bail. He is facing charges of felony, aggravated assault, and other related offenses. (H/T - CBS3)

The moral of the story? Anyone who supports either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton is nuts.

Good To Be Back

"Um, no . . . this is 9-1-2."

Well, today was my first day back to work, and I was feeling pretty good about it . . . until she came to the window.

Let me describe the scene. The division was running around handling a robbery/assault/carjacking. Everyone was busy with something, and it is obvious to the naked eye. So, when this woman came to the window, I didn't notice her at first.

After a second or two, I asked her to slide the window open. (There's a sign stating as such in big, bold letters, but no one ever reads the damned thing.) The woman slides the window, and I ask, "May I help you?"

As God is my witness, the woman looks at me and says, "No, I came up here for no reason."

Since I figured it would be bad form to murder a woman on my first day back, I directed her to Rob, who has much more patience than I do: and a less-itchy trigger finger.

God, I need another vacation.

Charges To Be Dropped Against Alycia Lane

Yes, this story really grinds my gears.

Apparently in New York City, as in Philadelphia, you can punch a police officer in the face and get away with it.

NEW YORK -- Charges have been reduced against a former Philadelphia TV news anchor accused of hitting a New York City police officer.

Manhattan Criminal Court Judge Dina Douglas told 35-year-old Alycia Lane on Monday that if she is not arrested in the next six months, the charges will be dismissed.

The prosecution downgraded the charges from felony assault to misdemeanor obstruction of government administration and harassment. The district attorney's spokeswoman said the police officer's injuries did not rise to the level required by the felony charge. (H/T - NBC10)

Well, isn't that convenient? The attractive, wealthy media whore - well, I guess she's just a whore, now - has her felony charges downgraded by a scumbag district attorney. Not only that, but a scumbag judge tells her that if she can keep her nose clean - no small feat for the mentally imbalanced Lane - all of the charges will be dismissed. Lovely.

Do you hear that, everyone? You can assault all of the police officers you wish in New York City and get away with it. It's open season up there! IT'S THUNDERDOME!!!

Of course, you realize that if the victim here were a district attorney or a municipal court judge, the felony charges would have stuck like Astroglide to Alycia Lane's nether-regions.

Hitler And Frankenstein On India Ballot

You can't make this stuff up, kids.

(CNN) -- Think Barack Hussein Obama has it rough campaigning for president with a name like that? The Illinois senator has nothing on Frankenstein Momin. Or Billy Kid Sangma. Or Adolf Lu Hitler Marak.

The three men are among dozens of others with equally colorful names who are competing for legislative seats in Meghalaya, a remote northeast Indian state, on March 3.

There are about 60 seats up for grabs, 331 candidates vying, and no shortage of unusual names.

Yeah, the United States had a Frankenstein running for president, too. His real name was John Kerry, and his platform was, "Fire bad!"

"It would be unfair to have a laugh at these names. They're reflective of the names here," David R. Syiemlieh, professor of history at the North Eastern Hill University in the capital city of Shillong, told CNN on Monday.

Hitler and Frankenstein are reflective of the names in India? Are you kidding me? What's reflective of the names in Romania? Dracula???

"Maybe my parents liked the name and hence christened me Hitler," he once told the Hindustan Times newspaper. "I am happy with my name, although I don't have any dictatorial tendencies." (H/T - CNN)

Yeah, that's what the original Hitler told people. If I were you, I'd be voting for someone with a less frightening name. There has to be a Ghandi on the ballot, right? It's frakkin' India!

It's Official: Angelina Jolie Is Pregnant!

It's also official: today is a very slow news day.

(Feb. 23) - Does a baby bump speak louder than words?

After weeks of speculation, Angelina Jolie silently confirmed the rumors that she was pregnant at the Independent Spirit Awards.

Jolie and Brad Pitt arrived on the blue carpet at Saturday's awards show with the Oscar-winning actress sporting a tight black dress stretched across an expanded belly.

Neither star made any comments or took any questions, choosing instead to let Jolie's new figure do all the talking, though a source close to Jolie and Pitt told PEOPLE that the couple is "thrilled to be adding to their brood." (H/T - AOL)

Why is this bigger news than any other celebrity humpfest? I mean, Brad Pitt slipped his demon seed into Angelina's readily available egg, and somehow, the paparazzi goes ape crap over it? Am I missing something?

By the way, that dress makes her look really dumpy. I'm just sayin'.

Old Time Hockey!

Randal, Vinnie, and I during tonight's game.

Anyone want to walk on my back?

I don't remember being this tired after any other game this season, but tonight was a bear - although you couldn't tell it by the score. We beat Blue Dog for the third time this season by a score of 6-1, but for some reason, my back is killing me. Oh well, here's how the game went down.

Most of us were ready for this rematch, because Blue Dog is composed of hired goons. Union thugs have nothing on these guys. They hit hard, but they're also dirty when they do it. High sticks, raised elbows, and punches are the norm. They figure, "Well, we suck, so we might as well beat someone up." Our last two games ended in brawls, but since the playoffs are just around the corner - and no one wanted to take a suspension - we learned our lesson, and took it to them from the start.

Our former goaltender, Louie the Lock, filled in for us tonight, since The Badger was in Florida. I need to make a public apology to Louis, because I thought he'd stand us up. Sometimes, Lou is not the most reliable person, but he proved me wrong - in more ways than one - when it counted. After two years away from the rink, Lou immediately came back to form. He played out of his mind, and shut Blue Dog out for 44 minutes and 13 seconds . . .

Unfortunately, we cost The Lock his shutout when Blue Dog scored with 47.3 seconds left in the game. Sorry, Lou!

As for the offense, we didn't disappoint. Ron scored a hat trick after five, yes five, goalless seasons. We scored three goals in the first, two in the second, and one in the third. It was a terrific overall effort; so much so that Lou was disappointed that he couldn't hear one of Randal's patented "Curse Speeches."

Speaking of Randal, tonight was his last game of the season. Seems my brother will be going under the knife on Friday. He suffered an ankle sprain/hairline fracture earlier in the season, and as he skated, it became progressively worse. The docs need to go in and clean things up a bit. He'll be in rehab until the end of the summer. Losing his offensive production - and his speeches - will hurt come playoff time, but he needs the surgery. Say a little prayer that everything goes smoothly.

In other news:

• Vinnie and I each had an assist. I think that's a sign of the Apocalypse.
• Despite the previous fisticuffs, there were none this game. A little shoving, a little grappling, but no fights. Dang.
  
• As solid as Lou was, having Badger back on Thursday will be nice. Lou never left the net, and I missed Badger skating out to the blue line to get a puck.
  
• Someone needs to tell Fish he's not actually Swedish, and he can shoot the puck when he gets it. After about a dozen opportunities to score, he passed ten of them away.
• Ron brought his young son to the game - and immediately scored a hat trick. Naturally, we said he has to bring him to every game, which will be fun to see the kid at Thursday's 10:25pm start time.
  

Stupid Questions

Is anyone surprised that John McCain landed all 20 delegates from Puerto Rico? And while we're at it, why is Puerto Rico granted any delegates?

Uber-inept Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell stated he has no interest being a Presidential running mate. Um, was anyone even considering this moron? I think Ray Nagin would get more consideration that this jackass.

Does anyone give a rat's ass about the Oscars tonight? And, along the same lines, was any movie nominated in any award actually worth seeing? There Will Be Blood? Are you kidding me?

Actually, if Jessica Biel will be appearing, she may pique my interest . . .

Darth Nader Enters The Election

Haven't we been through this before - like during the last four election cycles?

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Ralph Nader is entering the presidential race as an independent, he announced Sunday, saying it is time for a "Jeffersonian revolution."

"In the last few years, big money and the closing down of Washington against citizen groups prevent us from trying to improve our country. And I want everybody to have the right and opportunity to improve their country," he told reporters after an appearance announcing his candidacy on NBC's "Meet the Press."

Asked why he should be president, the longtime consumer advocate said, "Because I got things done." He cited a 40-year record, which he said includes saving "millions of lives," bringing about stricter protection for food and water and fighting corporate control over Washington.

This marks his fourth straight White House bid -- fifth if his 1992 write-in campaign is included.

"A Jeffersonian revolution is needed in this country," he said. (H/T - CNN)

Oh, please. Jefferson set up this government to prevent people like Nader from running for President! Then again, he has just as much experience as Barack Obama, so who knows?

You Be Here Four Hour!

Apparently, this episode of 21 Jump Street went a little awry.

TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese man was arrested for trespassing this week after turning up at a high school dressed in a girl's uniform and a long wig, local police said.

Thirty-nine-year-old Tetsunori Nanpei told police he had bought the uniform over the Internet and put it on to take a stroll near the school in Saitama, north of Tokyo, on Wednesday, the daily Asahi Shimbun said.

When students standing outside the gates started to scream at the sight of him, he dashed inside the school grounds, hoping to blend in with the crowds of teenagers, the paper said. They also screamed, forcing the man to flee, losing his wig in the process. A school clerk pursued him and stopped him at a nearby riverbank, the paper said.

Police confirmed the arrest of the man in school uniform and wig but declined to give further details. (H/T - Reuters via Yahoo!)

Police released a photo of the man/schoolgirl after his capture:

Oh, come on. It's funny!

Clinton To Obama: "Shame On You"

"My hair doesn't look anything like the model in this magazine!"

Isn't is just hysterical when the Dems are infighting? It's even funnier than when the GOP does it . . . but just barely.

(CNN) -- A visibly angry Sen. Hillary Clinton lashed out Saturday at Sen. Barack Obama over campaign literature that she said he knows is "blatantly false."

Clinton jabbed the air with her hands as she told a crowd in Cincinnati, Ohio, that two Obama mailings spread lies about her positions on universal health care and the North American Free Trade Agreement.

"Shame on you, Barack Obama," she said.

Oh, I get it. Hillary is trying to change tactics to win votes. First crying, now anger. Ooo, beware of Hillary the Terrible!

With Ohio Gov. Ted Strickland nodding in agreement behind her, Clinton accused Obama of emulating the tactics of Karl Rove, President Bush's former political director who is reviled by Democrats.

Will someone please inform the Democratic National Committee that:

1. Karl Rove resigned six months ago!
2. George W. Bush is not running in this election.
3. Even hardcore liberals despise Hillary Clinton.

Obama "is continuing to send false and discredited mailings with information that is not true to the voters of Ohio," Clinton said.

Ya know, when John McCain vehemently denied any romantic involvement with Vicki Iseman, the media said he was full of crap. Curiously, when Hillary says Obama is sending out false information about her, the media takes it as gospel. Hmm . . .

"Enough with the speeches and the big rallies and then using tactics right out of Karl Rove's playbook. This is wrong, and every Democrat should be outraged," she said. (H/T - CNN)

Uh-huh. And they say the Republicans are at each other's throats.

President Gas

I'm about to make a bold statement. My article at Family Security Matters this week is really funny. Loyal readers of SYLG know that I rarely think anything I write is funny, so this is quite a boast.

Here's a sample:

As our President’s Day celebration comes to a close – it used to be one day, but now it is a two-week keg fest – most of us will stow the Van Buren tinsel in the attic, the McKinley tree in the dumpster, and the Carter peanuts in the pantry. We’ll be forced to pay regular prices for furniture and new cars, and then go back to work; content to ignore American history until Independence Day.

Our Presidents deserve better. These are men who spent their careers in public service, all in order to serve their beloved country. So, with that in mind, here are a few interesting tidbits about some of our Chief Executives.

Okay, you know where this is going, right? Well, then get on over to FSM and read the rest of the article HERE. Thanks!

It's Weigh Day!

Jinkies, am I a lucky guy. (Yes, I wrote "jinkies." What, you don't watch Scooby Doo?) I'm lucky because my weight loss effort has not suffered during the last two weeks of Hurricane Kevin.

To be honest, I have taken a lot of short cuts, and eaten some things that I shouldn't have - that dinosaur egg was just so tasty, though. The missus hasn't felt like cooking - I can't blame her; she's still tired - and I don't want to burn the house down, so we've ordered in a few nights.

That being said, I did manage to make my Weight Watchers points twice this week, so that may have explained my scale numbers today:

220 pounds.
Yes, that was my number for last week, as well. I haven't gained anything in two weeks of cheating, but I (obviously) haven't lost anything, either. Missing Sunday's hockey game didn't help my cause, either, but all of that is about to change. I will be at tomorrow's hockey game, and I go back to work after my "maternity leave" on Monday night. That will make keeping to my points much easier.

My total weight loss for the year is still 16 pounds. I'm still a fatty, but I am hoping to be slimmer by next week.

Other Progress Reports:
Grimjack
H20
Molly
Mrs. Grim
Pajama Momma
RT

Weekend Caption Contest

Missile Command Caption Contest
(Source: AFP)

Original Caption: This US Department of Defense handout photograph shows Vice Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General James E. Cartwright from the US Marine Corps informing the US Secretary of Defense Robert Gates of the successful missile intercept from the Pentagon's National Military Command Center.

Other Great Contests:
Blonde Sagacity
Cowboy Blob (I won here last week!!!)
Gone Rick Motel
Rodney Dill
RT
Wizbang

Top Five Entries:
5. "That's right, Mr. Murdoch, bring Sanjaya back for another chance, or your satellite's next!" - Cowboy Blob
4. "Loaf of bread, milk . . . TAMPONS?!? Sheesh, honey, I just saved the planet and you want me to buy tampons?" - Stacy
3. For English, press 1. For Spanish, press 2. For military acronyms that no one understands, press 3. - Molly
2. "I told you it would hit the satellite, Bob. So where's my $500?" - Leoni2

WINNER! - "Thank you for calling Domino's Missiles. We'll knock your satellite out of the sky in 30 minutes or less, or it's free." - John D

Now In Stores: Kill Me, Elmo!

I always thought there was something amiss about Elmo. Apparently, he's a psycho killer.

It sounds like something the talking doll Chucky from the movies might say: "Kill James!" Instead, a Florida family says the threat to their toddler is coming from a talking Elmo doll.

The Bowman family, of Lithia, Fla., said an Elmo doll belonging to their 2-year-old son, James, began to spout death threats towards him after they changed its batteries, TBO.com reports.

The Elmo Knows Your Name Doll started saying "Kill James!" in a sing-song voice, the site reports. (H/T - FOXNews)

Damn, now I want one! You watch; sales for the Elmo Knows Your Name Doll will skyrocket after this. Buy stock in Fisher-Price right now! You heard it here first.

Snow Day!

Well, Kyle enjoyed a snow day today. Well, it was a pseudo-snow day. We took him to school, and at 9:30, his teacher called and said we can come get him. After I picked him up, he said that only ten kids (out of 39) showed up, and the school bus service was kaput. Apparently, if Philadelphia gets two inches of snow, the entire city shuts down.

So, after a brief snack, Kyle tried out his new snowboard - to mixed results. You can't tell it here, but I built him a snow mogul at the bottom of our hill. Yeah, I'm a cool dad.



Erik and Kyle has a blast outdoors, and even stayed out when the rain came.


Of course, always the party animal, Kevin outplayed them all . . .

Milton Street Convicted Of Tax Evasion

T. Milton Street: "What, Me Worry?"

Bawahahahahahahahahaha!!! Guess what, John? You're next!

PHILADELPHIA (AP) ― T. Milton Street Sr., the eccentric older brother of the city's last mayor, was convicted of three tax-evasion charges, but acquitted of four fraud counts over what prosecutors had described as a kickback scheme at the city-owned airport.

The jury, which deliberated over nearly three days, also deadlocked on two other tax-related counts against Street.

Street, 68, had pleaded not guilty to all nine charges in an indictment that said he took advantage of his relationship with the mayor to make $30,000 a month as a consultant and minority subcontractor at the airport from 2001 to 2004, yet did little or no work.

Prosecutors also said he failed to report $2 million in consulting fees for tax purposes.

Are you ready, kids? Here's the money quote:

"No corruption, no fraud, no wrongdoing on the part of Milton Street. I didn't file. That's it," Street said afterward. "That's a major victory."

I'm no lawyer, buy I think not filing your income taxes can be considered "wrongdoing," Milty. This missing link is facing 27-33 months in Federal Pound-You-In-The-Arse Prison, and he's calling it a "major victory?" I want some of what he's smoking.

On the stand, Milton Street told jurors he did nothing illegal, but believes the U.S. tax code is unconstitutional. (H/T - CBS3)

How did that work out for ya, Milton? I swear to God, this entire family should be wiped off the face of the earth.

Love Is The Answer

Unfortunately, I cannot give "Love" as an answer to every question in this edition of Q&A. Actually, I probably can, since this edition only garnered five questions, and one rant. This segment went over like sex at a funeral. I must be losing my touch.

Undaunted, I will answer these burning questions, and thus make five people happy.

Randal Graves asks, "What are you going to do once Barack wins the election in November? WOOOOOHOOOO!"

Randal, I'll probably snort some coke - it'll be legal by Inauguration Day - bone up on the Koran, and apply for the New York Rangers head coaching job. Sure, I'm not at all qualified, but if management likes how I look and falls for my plagiarized speeches, I am sure to get the job! Nah, I'm yankin' ya. I'll probably do exactly what you're been doing for eight years now; tell everyone "He's not my President."

Remulak MoxArgon asks, "Where do you stand on alien warlords and vengeance?"

Mox, when it comes to alien warlords, I rarely stand. I kneel in submission and accept my fate. Ten years of marriage does that to a man. Actually, I have no problem with vengeful alien warlords, but I have it on good authority that Hillary Clinton despises them. Called them a bunch of p*ssies that don't have the grapes to come see her in person. By the way, her offices are in Washington, D.C. Just follow the stench of corruption.

Molly asks, "Why is it that I can always think of a really good question when you're not asking for them, but the minute you do I got nothing?"

Molly, if I had a nickel for every time that happened to me, I'd have exactly . . . one nickel. Try this from now on: carry a pen and paper with you wherever you go. Then, when a question arises, jot it down! Just don't have your husband carry the pen for you. Little known fact: if you shove a pen in your pocket, it can really hurt "the boys." Ouch.

RT asks, "Will you score a goal this weekend?"

RT, probably not. The OB-GYN told us we can't get it on for at least a month. Oh, you meant at my ice hockey game, didn't you? This is the third time we're playing this team, and both previous times turned into a penalty/fight fest. I cannot promise a goal, but I can probably promise that I'll try and stab someone with my skate blade.

Kim goes on a question rampage and asks, "How do you convince an almost three year old little girl to go to sleep? What is your stance on public breastfeeding? Where are my 5 year old's church shoes? Are you willing to come to Indiana to help with two goats ready to give birth? Should I wake my 5 year old up tonight to watch the lunar eclipse to tie in with todays home school science lesson? Feel like coming over and washing a load of diapers for me?"

Kim, I'll answer those in list form. It's easier on the eyes.

1. That's easy. You tell her the monster under her bed comes out at 8pm, but doesn't eat sleeping girls. Either that, or hit her over the head with a sack of doorknobs. That always worked for my parents.
2. Breastfeeding? Hey, I'm trying to lose weight! Oh, you meant for a woman. That depends. Breastfeeding in public for Jessica Alba? I'm all for it. Breastfeeding in public for Ellen Degeneres? Not so much.
3. Check underneath your shed. That's where I hid my shoes when I didn't want to go to church. Actually, I still hide them there . . .
   
4. I was barely willing to help my wife give birth last week. I am certainly not going to do it for a few goats!
   
5. Don't know what you did with the eclipse, but I would keep him in bed. My dad has me watch a solar eclipse without protection, and I've been blind as a bat ever since. He still giggles about it when my guide dog is not around.
6. I would rather come over and wash the goats. Get out of the sticks, lady. It's 2008; no one uses cloth diapers anymore! :)

Well, there you have it; another Q&A from your pal Wyatt. Hopefully it both informed and entertained. See ya next time!