Can I Even Watch Hockey Anymore?

I mean, Snoop Dogg is at the Anaheim Ducks game?

Jackass!!!

Yeah, that's me, because I (once again) forgot that it was Thursday. Quad erat demonstratum, I also forgot it was People I Hate Day.

Rest assured, I will have this week's dose of bile posted in a little while, so please check back if you aren't busy doing something more exciting . . . like waxing Rosie O'Donnell's back.

This One's For The Wives

Funny thing about this Spring League: games keep popping up with little to no notice. Last night, our captain Gusty sent us an e-mail. Here's the condensed version.

"Oh, and we have a game tomorrow night at 9pm."

Nothing like 24 hours notice, right? For my teammates who are married, I figured I owed the wives a little gratitude. (By the way, I know I am married, but the missus knows that hockey comes before almost anything else in life. I'm in!)

Donna - Although your husband is balding and dim-witted, he really loves you. He talks about you all the time, especially when we're at the rink. Your constant support for the team is unparalleled, and unmatched by everything but your incredible beauty. And, really, you are much more beautiful when you let Vinnie attend the last-minute games.

Jenn - Okay, you're not an official "wife" yet, but the way The Badger talks about you, it's only a matter of time. And, honestly, we're pushing for that Big Day, because, well, misery loves company. Look, it's obvious that you're the hottest female in our little clique - I'm assuming Donna isn't reading your part - so, how's about you throw Badger a bone and let him play tonight? It's what Jesus would do.

Sharon - You're the best sister-in-law I have (assuming that Kim isn't reading this, that is), and I know you'll let Fish play tonight anyway. But in case you are wavering a bit, I just wanted to say that women from Pittsburgh are the smartest, most thoughtful women in the state. So smart, in fact, that you're probably not buying this line of b.s., so I'll stop now.

Leanne - I have a game in seven hours. I'm going. Period.

About Last Night . . .

With all due respect to everyone else who doesn't give a rat's ass about my hockey team, RT, Kitty, and RFTR asked, so . . . here's the review.

It's a Catch-22 when you walk into a locker room and see over a dozen skaters. And more keep walking in. On the one hand, it's great to see so many players because you know you'll have ample recovery time - especially if you're a fat bastard like myself. On the other hand, having too many skaters cuts down your ice time - not a great feeling when you really want to play.

At the time of the face-off, we had 17 skaters. Ouch.

Luckily, our skaters had talent. Ten of us came over from our Winter League, and our free agents had skill. I played defense with Fish, and almost immediately, we decided that pairing the two d-men who skated like they were stuck in molasses was not a good idea.

Of course, when I deflected a shot off my own goal post, that didn't help matters, either. This was the greeting when I got back to the bench:

Badger: "Nice shot."
Me: "Thanks."
Ronnie: "It was the best shot you've had in a long time."
Me: "Get bent!"

Don't worry. We got better. Badger scored a beautiful tip-in goal early on, and we hung in with a younger, faster squad for two periods. We were down 3-2 with a minute left in the game, when we pulled the goaltender for the extra attacker - a move that rarely works. Unbelievably, we scored the tying goal with 8.9 seconds left!

For some reason, the Flyers Skate Zone doesn't believe in overtime, so we went straight to a shootout. We took that by a score of 3-2, and won the game by a score of 4-3. Undefeated, baby! (Hell, every game counts, since it's only a ten game season.) Here are the current standings. We are considered "Skate Zone Blue" until someone thinks up a catchy name.

Got any ideas?

Yes, (Unfortunately) I'm Still Blogging

Sorry I'm posting so late. It was a busy day off. Luckily, there are a few stories that have confirmed my opinion that the human race is doomed:

Lisa Ling Marries A Chicago Doctor.

And, of course, he's just a regular guy. A regular guy with the last name, "Song." Thus, the former co-host of The View will now be Lisa Ling-Song. Are you frakkin' kidding me? What will she name her child . . . Ping?

Matt Lauer Breaks The Law

NBC's Matt Lauer didn't learn his lesson from interviewing New Jersey Gov. Jon Corzine about the governor's near-fatal car crash while riding without wearing a safety belt.

A few weeks after that chat, there was Lauer on "Today" on Wednesday, sitting in the back of a sport utility vehicle interviewing Republican presidential contender Mitt Romney. Both men were unbuckled.

Unfortunately, Lauer's vehicle wasn't T-boned during the interview. Damn.

Idiot Appointed Philly's Managing Director

Outgoing Philadelphia Managing Director and unequaled cop-hater Pedro Ramos will be leaving his post on June 8th. In his stead, our illustrious (and corrupt) mayor has appointed a 38-year old "secretary of external affairs" to the number two post in the city. Loree Jones' claim to fame is that she occupied the same office space as Ramos for a few years. Oh, and her qualifications? Well, um, she was an African Studies major in college.

That should be sufficient to run the sixth largest city in the country, right?

Game On!

By the time you read this, I'll already be on ice.

That's right, sports fans, our two-week off-season officially ends tonight, and our Spring Ice Hockey League begins in an hour. Hopefully, we'll fare at least as well as we did in our Winter League - we lost the final game of the championship series, remember?

Wish me luck.

Sally, Take A Meme-o

JLow tagged me with a Meme. Although it's similar to a meme I was served with a few months ago, I'll indulge her, since her team is next to last in our Fantasy NASCAR League. Heh. Here's the topic:

Write 7 things about myself. The specifics are a sort of gray area, since the previous taggers wrote all kinds of stuff. Hmm . . . talk about myself. I don't think I can do that, but I'll give it a whirl.

1. In my opinion, I do not take a good picture. And I am referring to my Quasimodo-esque looks, not my talent behind the lens. I challenge you to find a photo of me where I do not look fugly, yet alone handsome. Can't be done.

2. The ice hockey rink is my Happy Place. No matter what is going on in my life - good or bad - I always find peace on the ice. My team could be losing 15-0, and I could be playing like a little prepubescent girl: I don't care. Somewhere inside of my desolate little mind, I am truly happy.

3. I don't think I'm funny. At all. I have a very dry biscuit sense of humor that doesn't play well with a lot of people, and when folks comment about something here they find funny, I am always amazed. Of course, I could answer those comments a la Joe Pesci: "How am I funny?"

4. I despise almost all of my local sports teams. I hate the Eagles because their fans are despicable, vile human beings that find throwing batteries at players funny. I wish the Sixers (and the NBA in general) would fold. I refuse to root for any Major League Baseball team as long as Barry Bonds is not shunned, and the Flyers' management has been letting me down for three decades. On top of that, I think all of that Flamin' Homer, root, root, root for the home team garbage is just that . . . garbage.

5. I like being alone. I'm not a fan of crowds, primarily because I hate people. (Not you people. Other people!) My ideal night is sitting in my basement watching TV or playing PS2 by myself. And don't call me! I'm busy!!!

6. I love classical music. Beethoven, Brahms, Bach, Tchaikovsky, I love them all. That was my mother's influence, and it sorta stuck with me. Unfortunately, there is only one radio station in the area which plays the genre, but a few pieces a day is enough to lift my spirits.

7. Finally, I collect movie posters. Currently, there are 11 framed posters in my basement, and about six or seven others in the basement closet. They run the gamut from Spider-Man through Goldfinger. The missus told me I was running out of room about ten posters ago, but I ignored her. Turns out she was right. Dang.

Since I lose friends and readers by tagging others, I shall not do so today. However, if you would like to participate, be my guest.

Johns Hopkins Wins The NCAA Division I Lacrosse Title!

If you missed it, you missed one of the greatest lacrosse games you will ever witness. Congratulations to the Blue Jays, who narrowly beat a terrific Duke squad, 12-11.

Thank You, Veterans!

Support Your Local Gunfighter remembers you, and thanks you for your service to our country.

SUPER DARIO!!!

Congratulations to Dario Franchitti, who won the rain-shortened Indianapolis 500.

Congratulations to Dario for marrying well, too. His wife is the ultra-sexy Ashley Judd!

We're The Good Guys, Remember?

Perfect timing for the holiday weekend.

BAGHDAD - American forces freed 42 kidnapped Iraqis — some of whom had been hung from ceilings and tortured for months — in a raid Sunday on an al-Qaida hideout north of Baghdad, the U.S. military said.

Military officials said the operation, launched on tips from residents, showed that Iraqis in the turbulent Diyala province were turning against Sunni insurgents and beginning to trust U.S. troops. (H/T - AP)

Just a reminder for those scumbags who were mocking our soldiers in the streets of New York today: the only reason you can rip the troops is because they provide you that freedom in the first place.

It's Duke Versus Johns Hopkins In Final

The Men's Lacrosse Final Four took place today in Baltimore, MD.

The semifinals are complete in the 2007 NCAA Division I Men's Lacrosse Championship. On May 26, Johns Hopkins knocked off Delaware, 8-3, and Duke edged Cornell, 12-11. The winners advance to the championship game, which is scheduled for 1 p.m. on May 28. (H/T - NCAA Sports)

Congratulations to both the Hopkins squad (my son Kyle's favorite team) and the Blue Devils, who won their game against Cornell with 0:03 on the clock. If nothing else, it's nice to see Duke Lacrosse order a tall glass of shut the hell up for Nancy Grace and the rest of the pundits who convicted the players in the alleged rape case before the indictments even came down.

Monday's final (ESPN, 1pm) is going to be awesome!

A Birthday Wish

The staff at SYLG (read: me) would like to send out a special Happy Birthday wish to our favorite Techno-Yoda, Rachel from Pay Heed to the Geek. Please stop by and wish her all the best.

Weekend Caption Contest

Damn The Torpedoes Caption Contest
(Source: AP with a H/T from Pam)

Caption this photo in the comments section, or send me your photoshop attempts. The winners will be posted on Tuesday, May 29, due to the Memorial Day Weekend. Good luck!

Original Caption: American actor Dean Hamilton and American actress Pamela Anderson pose during a photo call for the film 'Blonde and Blonder,' at the 60th International film festival in Cannes, southern France, on Friday, May 18, 2007.


Other Current Contests:
Bagel Blogger
Bullwinkle Blog
Cowboy Blob (I tied for 1st Place here last week!)
Electric Venom
Gone Rick Motel
Right Pundits (I took 2nd Place here last week!)
Rodney Dill
RT
Willisms
Wizbang

Photoshops:
Jack Bauer

Jack Bauer

Cowboy Blob









Top 5 Entries:
5. The original caption's wrong. Pamela's Canadian. The Boobs are American. - Mox Argon
4. "Hmm... Hepatitis C... Sore wrist... Hepatitis C... Sore wrist... That's a tough one..." - The Anti-Hippie
3. "How can ya look at that and still want to be a vegan?" - Cowboy Blob
2. "Do I go with,'Eenie, meenie, mynee,moe', or 'One potato, two potato, three potato, four...?'" - Uncle Ray

WINNER! - Jack Bauer's Al Gore photoshop.

The Downside To Memorial Day

Just a little something to think about when you're battling traffic later today . . .

It's Carnival Time!

Break out the cotton candy and the caramel apples, because the season finale of The Carnival of Bauer is up and running at B4B, Feel free to browse the hilarity, which is much improved since my Top Ten List has been entered. Heh.

Now, where did I leave my clown makeup?

Blogger Battles: Episode 1

Editor's Note: You know you're tired when you're thinking up ideas like this. It may be the first in a series, depending upon whether or not you folks think it's funny.

Good evening, and welcome to Blogger Battles! My name is Guy Smiley, and I'm coming to you live from a nondescript oil tanker in the Hudson River. This is the first in what we hope will be many installments of the series which pits two notable bloggers against each other in a no-holds-barred battle of wills. And believe me, someone will lose.

In this corner, we have former Army ass-kicker Dr. Phat Tony from Huntsville, Alabama. A blogger since June of 2005, Tony has offended more politically-correct morons than he cares to remember. Phat Tony's turn-ons include gun pr0n, eliminating terrorists with pork products, and holding innocent goats for ransom. Although he has been lax in posting as of late, he is still the first name in funny - primarily because his moniker starts with a "D." Dr. Phat Tony Fun Fact: He drinks twelve ounces of pork fat each day to remain impermeable to Islamic terrorists.

And, in this corner, we have former Army M.P. Pandy, currently stationed in Veneto, Italy. Pandy has been blogging since January of 2005, and is the First Lady of sarcasm. Her turn-ons include punk rock hairstyles, being pregnant, and bacon. Pandy Fun Fact: She once killed a man with a bottle of Bac-Os.

Now that we have dispensed with the pleasantries, it's time to start battling. Let's get it on!!!



So, who's coming out on top? I'll let y'all decide.

It's Official: Joe Paterno Is Senile

Penn State octogenarian football coach Joe Paterno (left, rushing to the bathroom for the 13th time in an hour) has officially lost his mind.

This spring, six Penn State football players were arrested and charged for crimes stemming from an off-campus fight in which at least 15 Nittany Lions were present. The charged included a couple of star players, although what apparently bothered coach Joe Paterno the most was how many of his kids were willing to be involved.

And so Paterno, 80 now but no less tough, no less disciplined, hatched a plan to set things right within his program. He'll let the local legal and student judicial process play out, but regardless he decided that to keep people from thinking his team was trash, it'll spend the fall cleaning it up.

According to Paterno, the Penn State football team will clean Beaver Stadium after each home football game this fall. It'll gather garbage, sweep stairs and maybe even hose parts down. (H/T - Yahoo! Sports)

He's kidding, right? Will someone please explain to Joe Pa the following tidbits of knowledge:

1. It is not 1953 anymore. The world has changed from the Ozzie and Harriet lifestyle to which Paterno has become accustomed.

2. The Nittany Lions are not a Pop Warner program. You cannot motivate young adults by picking up other people's filth.

As much as I despise Penn State, the football program is usually a contender for the National Championship. His players need to rest/practice/watch films the day after the big game. Having them play Sanitation Engineer will only harm the program as a whole. They'll have plenty of time to be garbage men after graduating from Happy Valley anyway. Heh.

Lincoln Had Smallpox: Al Qaeda Suspected

Will someone please explain to me how the hell anyone could prove this?

HOUSTON, May 17 - U.S. President Abraham Lincoln may have come closer than previously realized to dying from smallpox shortly after delivering his Gettysburg Address, medical researchers said on Thursday.

After giving the Civil War speech, Lincoln became ill with symptoms of smallpox: high fever, weakness, severe pain in the head and back, "prostration" -- an old-fashioned word for extreme fatigue - and skin eruptions that lasted for three weeks in late 1863.

Lincoln's doctors told the ailing president he suffered from a cold or a "bilious fever" before one physician told him he had a mild form of smallpox. (H/T - Reuters Life!)

I researched this topic extensively, and discovered that he was not our only President who suffered from a secret illness. For example . . .

Thomas Jefferson? He had Ear Whigs. Heh.

George Washington had tooth termites throughout the Revolutionary War.

John F. Kennedy came down with the clap just prior to The Cuban Missile Crisis.

Theodore Roosevelt suffered through hemorrhoids during The Battle of San Juan Hill. Why do you think they called him the "Rough Rider?"

And finally, Jimmy Carter was diagnosed with a vaginal yeast infection at the time of the Iran Hostage Crisis.

Worst Finale . . . EVER!

Well, 24 wrapped up Day 6 in a neat, tidy package. The two-hour finale was terrific . . . until the last ten minutes or so. As a contributor at Blogs4Bauer, this may sound like heresy, but we blog about 24; we do not carry water for it. With that in mind, I decided to offer some alternatives to the schmaltzy ending we all had to suffer through. Hell, anything could have been better than THAT baloney, right?

The Top Ten Better Ways To End Day 6

10. Show footage of Milo Pressman's autopsy.
9. Al Gore rambles on about the consequences of a nuclear strike.
8. Marilyn Bauer serves Jack with a paternity suit.
7. Jack comes to the realization that his man-purse is really gay.
6. Chloe spends an hour paying her bills online.
5. Jack's mom arrives in time to kill Phillip Bauer with a swizzle stick.
4. The B4B contributors cameo as "Dead Henchmen #1-9."
3. Jack leaves work early to get a head start Memorial Day.
2. A drunk Jack Bauer eliminates Cheng by vomiting on his shoes.

And the number one better way to end Day 6 is . . .

1. Jack strangles Audrey while bedding Nina Myers' corpse.

Flying Into The Finals

The Anaheim Ducks defeated the Detroit Red Wings tonight to advance to the Stanley Cup Finals. This is terrific news in the Earp household, since I despise the Detroit Red Wings. Hockeytown my arse!

The Anaheim victory sets up what I believe will be a terrific matchup between the Ducks and the Ottawa Senators, who eliminated the Buffalo Sabres to reach the finals. Personally, I'm pulling for the Sens - who could bring the Cup back to Canada for the first time in years.

Another plus, Battlestar Galactica hottie Tricia Helfer was recently seen attending some games in Anaheim. Giggity!

HHGR Golf Outing Roundup

Our 6th Annual Heritage Hills Golf Resort excursion took place this weekend, and a good time was had by all. Of course, most of that "good time" involved the alcohol and not our golf games. I mean, my friends and I stink anyway, and HHGR is a very difficult course. Halfway through our first round, Vinnie said, "Well, we're playing lousy, so we may as well get hammered."

Now, that's the spirit!

Vinnie, Fish, and I arrived at the clubhouse at noon on Sunday. Since we weren't due to tee off until 2pm, we hit the bar to meet Badger. Go figure. After ordering pints of Guinness, a cute little waitress came toward our table carrying a tray of shots. She asked Vinnie if he wanted one. Bad move. Vinnie asked what they were, and she replied, "Southern Apples. It's Southern Comfort, Apple Schnapps, and . . . " That's all Vinnie heard, since he was too busy rounding up all of the dollar bills in his wallet. We each tried one, and let me tell you, these things were heaven on earth!

So we bought another.

Um, then another.

When she left our table, we cleaned her out of her first 12 shots. Not too bad. For her, that is, since three shots apiece in about five minutes was not our brightest idea before a golf round. Anyway, the waitress was having trouble moving the Southern Apples, so she stopped by our table a few minutes later.

We bought the rest of her tray. Vinnie, in a class move, said, "We'll take the tray. You know what? Just leave the tray here." After downing the shots on the tray, we were up to a total of eighteen between the four of us. In twenty minutes. (Since we thought no one would believe us, Vinnie took the below photo of the 18 empty shot cups - and our pints of Guinness - with his camera phone.)

When the waitress made her second round, she came to us last. Deathlok's friend Jim bought us some more shots, which cleaned out her second tray. We kept the tray at our table for posterity, too. Total shot count before golfing: 25. In thirty minutes. (Vinnie, Badger, and I each had six, and Fish had five. Jim took the rest.)

Suffice to say, we did not golf all that well as a whole. Considering the fact that the four of us also downed a half bottle of Jameson and a half bottle of Chocolate Cake shots in five hours, our livers were waving the white flag. After the first round, we went to our rooms, showered, and went to dinner. After dinner, we brought out the Guinness and shots again at the bar. Deathlok and his pals marveled (read: laughed at) our idiocy, but we had a terrific time. Especially Fish. I had to "escort" him back to his room at 11pm, because when he stood, he had to sway back and forth. Mental note: when you're drunk yourself, it's difficult to half-carry a friend up three flights of steps.

Monday came - by the grace of the Lord - and for some reason, none of us were worshiping the porcelain god. We all made the 7am breakfast before the 8am tee off. We were hurting with the alcohol and lack of sleep, but we made it. Ironically, no one wanted anything to do with beer or liquor this day. We still golfed like hell, but it was a blast. It's the one event besides Man's Weekend where we can all get a little crazy. I can't wait until next year!

Editor's Note: The author of this post in no way condones binge drinking. Morons such as my friends and I have little brain matter to lose, so we're okay with it.
(Vinnie's photo of our 18 shots. The waitress' tray is on the right.)

Actual Consumer Products

The things you see when you're watching a lousy cable channel late at night. The spray can pictured to the left is an actual consumer product available in your local store. Although I have never heard of this product, it claims that it has been "Lubricating, Repelling, Smoothening, and De-Squeaking Since '58."

As far as I know, it is a fine product. However, one would have to question the product's choice of name: especially in these politically-correct times. Or, am I the only one with a warped sense of humor who finds this humorous?

I wonder when Al Sharpton will come down on these folks?

Kiss Me, Kate

As I type this, Van Helsing is on in the background. The delicious Kate Beckinsale is incredible. The movie? Not so much.

There's no real point to this post, except to plaster Kate's photo here. And since very few people check out SYLG on a weekend (only 88 visitors as of this posting), I'm gonna post yet another fabulous babe.

That is all.

I Got Yer Answers Right Here!

And it won't even cost you two dollars! You folks submitted some terrific questions this time around. I only hope I can match them with witty answers. And, if not, ya get whatcha pay for, right? Here we go.

RFTR asks, "What'd you bribe your wife with in order to get her to marry you?"

RFTR, get bent! My wife married me for love, and I was (and still am) a terrific catch! Okay, between you and me, I promised her a stipend of $5,000 a month, a brand new BMW convertible every three years, and a piece of jewelry for every five pounds I gain after the wedding ceremony. God, am I taking a beating on that one!

The Man asks, "Has anyone been shot in Philly today?"

TM, that's like asking if anyone illegally crossed the border today. Of course, someone has been shot! If we're at 150 homicides, we are up to at least 300 shootings already. And you think New York is so tough. Pish posh!

Pandy asks, "Should I use a shock collar or a cattle prod when I start training Sparky? (My methods thus far have been totally ineffective, and I must stop short of permanently damaging him, of course.)"

Pandy, I would suggest the starting off with a sack of oranges, then easing into the Chinese throwing stars, and finishing up with the ever-popular cat o' nine tails. If these are not effective, then I would turn to drastic measures: naked pictures of Helen Thomas.

Captain America asks, "Now that I have your lawn mower and TV can your wife be far behind??? Like I need another one of those . . . By the way how's your car running?"

Captain, what was that about my wife's behind? Actually, when I gave them to you, the lawn mower was old and didn't work, and the TV was old and didn't work. Actually, my wife . . . Oh no, I'm not falling into that trap!

RT asks, "Must you draw pictures of me on the board? You can erase it now or after school. It's your choice." She then asks, "Cheetos or Jax?"

RT, that picture is not one of you. It was my attempt to capture Leah Remini after her pregnancy. Cripes, did she get fat! Actually, it is a still from Better Off Dead with John Cusack. And with all due respect to Chester Cheetah, Bachman's Jax is the best cheese curl on the market today. (Mr. Bachman, please send all payments to this blog care of Wyatt Earp.)

Big White Hat asks, "Any shootouts lately?"

BWH, yeah, I pimped out a couple of blogs, and said hi to some of my homies on the corner. I even dedicated a song to my peeps back in the hood. Oh, did you say "shootouts?" I thought you said "shout outs." My bad. The answer to your question then is, um, no.

Fmragtops asks, "Why does my Fantasy Baseball team suck dead wildebeest ass?"

Fm, it may have something to do with the fact that you lost your baseball prowess when you wussed out, quit your blog, and got engaged. It may have something to do with the fact that all of that Louisiana Hot Sauce is melting your brain functions. I don't know; I'm not a doctor. What I do know is that your team's record is currently 33-41-4, which is similar to my dating record in high school. Damn.

FIAR asks, "When will I finally be coronated as the Cruel, Deranged, Bloodthirsty Despot of the Universe?"

Fitch, I hate to be the one to inform you, but I think that title currently belongs to George W. Bush. At least that's what the good people at MoveOn.org keep saying. But chin up, I hear you are the front-runner for The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs At Midnight. Good luck!

Nomoretreehugginhippiecrap asks, "I thought the question must be where did my willie go?"

NMTHHC, this is a family blog! If you're looking for help in finding your willie, don't ask me!!!

Bobby asks, "I bent my Wookie. Do have another?"

Bobby, are you and NMTHHC having the same problem? Actually, I have a spare Wookie, but I'll only part with him for three stormtroopers, two Boba Fetts, and a Princess Leia. You know, to stare at. Deal?

Run For The Hills

Me, Fish, and Vinnie. Badger is passed out drunk in his room.

This weekend will see the continuation of an SYLG tradition: our annual golf trip to Heritage Hills Golf Resort. The overnight trek includes two days of golf (with carts), a room at the on-site hotel, and breakfast buffet on Monday morning. We leave at the crack of "Jesus Christ, it's early" Sunday. Badger's brother Sean is the brains behind the trip, and for the last few years, our outing has booked the resort solid. I believe we have 144 golfers this weekend. Sweet.

My foursome consists of myself, Badger, Vinnie Antonelli, and Fish. Our weekend is pretty standard. We make fun of each other, wager money on idiotic golf bets, and taunt each other during their back swings. Oh, and we drink. A lot. On almost every Monday morning - after the usual Sunday night kegger - Badger stays passed out past our tee time, and Vinnie spends way too much time eating at the buffet, while Fish and I are usually patiently waiting outside. Last year, all three were late, and when Fish finally stumbled out of the hotel, he almost fell down while carrying his golf bag. Nice!

This year will be different. Why? Well, not because we are giving up alcohol. This year will be different because we will be drinking even more. See, Vinnie and Badger thought up a terrific side game for the weekend. When a player scores par on a hole, the other three must do a shot of Jameson Whiskey. The player making par will do a shot of chocolate cake. Now, we all suck at golf, but even a blind golfer catches a par once in a while. I figure we'll be comatose before dinner.

Oh well, it's better than working, right?

We should be home by dinner on Monday evening, which will give us just enough time to make our ice hockey practice at 8pm!

Weekend Caption Contest

Next Time Take The Train Caption Contest
(Source: Reuters)

Caption this picture in the comments section or e-mail me your photoshops, and I'll announce the winners on Monday (5/21).

Actual caption: "Commuters walk on a railway track in the Indian city of Kolkata February 26, 2007. Hundreds of Indian rail passengers got more than they had bargained for when the driver of their train asked them to get out and push." (Parth Sanyal/Reuters)

Other Current Contests:
Bullwinkle Blog (I won here last week!!!)
Cowboy Blob
Right Pundits
Rodney Dill
Willisms (I won here last week, too!!!)
Wizbang

Cowboy Blob











Top 5 Entries (Little participation this week.)
5. In an attempt to appease the global warming crowd and the anti-obesity crowd, Democrats have introduced energy saving exercise trains. "You give us the money, and you do the work...the Democrat way." - RT
4. "I think I can... I think I can... I think I.. Ah, ef it"! - Wagonsux
3. Cowboy Blob's Photoshop (Above)
2. Welcome to SEPTA; please walk carefully. - Randal Graves

WINNER! - "Last Stop, New Jersey." - The Man

Your Friday Funny

It's official: Bruce Campbell is a god!

Canrys Built This Country

. . . well, the carny part of it, anyway.

Tonight we took the kinfolk to the local church carnival. I an certain that this video is an exact replica of one of the rides.


And here's a question for ya: why do carnivals bring out all of the white trash in the neighborhood?

A Penance

After taking a lot of grief for the Emma Watson post, I figured I should redeem myself with a hottie who can actually vote. Heh. So . . . here ya go.

Shania Twain = Scrumptious!

It's Q&A Time Again!

Wyatt answers the question, "Where do babies come from?"

Wow, it's been a long time since I hosted a Q&A, so why not now, when my hit meter is dying a slow death from boredom. Ask me your burning questions in the comments section (aka Shots Fired), and I'll post the (hopefully) witty answers by this weekend.

And remember, every question comes with a convenient link pimp. Everyone wins!

Nutter Butters Up Philly Voters

Former Philly city councilman Michael Nutter won the Democrat nomination for Philadelphia mayor last night after crushing all opposition.

The former city councilman, a determined foe of Mayor Street's in recent years, prevailed in a primary that marked the first time in decades that voting did not follow clear racial lines. (H/T - The Philadelphia Inquirer)

Since there has not been a Republican mayor here in over 50 years, it's safe to say that Nutter will be the next resident of City Hall. While he is no friend to the Philadelphia Police - who is? - he is the anti-John Street, and that in itself will give me a little comfort during the next four years.

P.S. - For a laugh riot, check out Deathlok's take on which famous celebrity Nutter resembles HERE.

Miss Blogs4Bauer Final Four

It's down to four hotties in the Miss B4B Contest. And since next week's episode is the two-hour season finale, we're having a preliminary voting round to see who makes the finals. You can cast your vote HERE.

Personally, I'm throwing my votes toward Nina Myers.

Maybe I'm Wrong . . .

Maybe I'm out of line. Either way, I'm gonna write it: I think Emma Watson from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is very cute. And when she's 18 next year, I will upgrade her status to red hot. That is all.

Ninth? Are You F**king Kidding Me?!!!

A survey released today listed America's top 25 worst cities for road rage. Astonishingly, my home town of Philadelphia was only listed 9th. Ninth. That's a f**king disgrace!

MIAMI - For the second straight year, rude Miami drivers have earned the city the title of worst road rage in a survey released Tuesday.

Miami motorists said they saw other drivers slam on their brakes, run red lights and talk on cell phones, according to AutoVantage, a Connecticut-based automobile membership club offering travel services and roadside assistance. (H/T - Yahoo! News)

This is bullsh*t! There is no way in hell that those pogues in Miami are angrier than we are. Cripes, we have hourly drive-by shootings in this town. You can set your God-damned watch by them! Miami is chock full of bikini babes, lush palm trees, and endless sunshine. Philadelphia? Our streets are lined with crack dens and $5 whores. Try looking at that on a daily basis and see if you're not a little perturbed!

Ninth place? AutoVantage, you can kiss my city's ass!

And Now, An Important Message

As-Salaam-Alaikum. My name is Abu Ayyub al-Masri, and I am the exalted leader of al Qaeda in Iraq. What, you heard I was dead. No. I am very much alive, and enjoying my cult status as the Egyptian Snake Plissken. If I had a Geneih for every time someone told me they "thought I was dead," I would be able to afford 72 virgins here on Earth! But I digress.

Allah has brought me to this insipid Yankee blog to relay a message: when you vote in today's primary elections, please vote Democrat. For when you vote Democrat, you can help the will of Allah impose such helpful legislation as this:

WASHINGTON - Senate Democrats are staging a dramatic anti-war vote this week, with moderates collaborating behind closed doors on legislation that could call on President Bush to rethink his war strategy.

Majority Leader Harry Reid announced Monday that members will decide whether to cut off money for the Iraq war next year, as well as consider a softer proposal calling for troops to leave this fall. The two measures would be offered as amendments to a water projects funding bill to be debated this week. (H/T - Yahoo! News)

I am sorry, but I cannot stop laughing when I read such things. I also credited the source. Not only because I enjoy saying the word "Yahoo," but also because those of on the sub-continent give credit where credit is due. Like that time when Colonel Muammar Khadafy told everyone that it was al Qaeda's idea to call Ronald Reagan a "sub par B-movie actor" - as brilliant as that was, it was all him. See? Credit where it's due.

The Democrats will lead your despicable country on the path to a glorious peace and prosperity. They will bring home your troops, which is preferable, because they are only dying meaningless deaths in our holy lands. We killed 10,000 of your soldiers this week, but your so-called mainstream media refuses to report it. It is like some of your pundits have said, "There is no good news coming out of Iraq."

The Democrats will also lead The Great Satan out of those places in which it does not belong: Iraq; Afghanistan; South Central Los Angeles. In doing so, al Qaeda's blessed savior Osama bin Laden will rename your country "The Really Great Satan." And, unlike the French, we will not use this title in a sarcastic manner. That is correct: we hate the French, too.

Remember, infidels, to choose wisely this day. Elect a Democrat. And remember to follow the sacred Democratic rules: vote early and vote often! Allahu Akbar!

The Championship Game

Well, this sound file pretty much sums up last night's championship game.

It wasn't pretty. Team 22 had it all over us from the drop of the first puck, and by the end of the first period, we were down by a score of 4-0. From then on out, it was a mess.

No one played well. No one. Passes were bouncing past players, shots were way off target, penalties abounded - Vinnie was in the box three times before he was thrown out of the game late in the third period - and our goalie fanned a pass that went into his own net. The whole night was ugly, as Team 22 won the championship in the third and deciding game, 7-1.

For my part, I wanted to apologize to my team for having such a terrible season. I was beyond dreadful this year, but I appreciate the fact that my brother's team took us - me, Vinnie, Badger, and Fish - on board. I hope we contributed to their liking.

Now, as much as I would like to log off and weep some more, I want to enjoy the off-season . . . of three days. The first practice for our Spring League is Thursday night.

Vinnie's Championship Game Motivation

Tonight's the final deciding game in our ice hockey league. If we win, we're champs. If not, we're chumps. As you may have noticed throughout the season, my teammate Vinnie responds well to pictures of his favorite hockey hottie - Finnish player Emma Laaksonen. Every time I have posted her photo, he scores at least one point.

In an important game such as this, I figured I'd kick it up a notch.

Happy Mother's Day!

I wanted to wish my mom and my wife (pictured with Erik) a very special day.

(Please disregard my father-in-law behind the missus. It won't be his day for another month. Heh.)

With All Due Respect To Tyler D . . .

He has completely lost his mind. Spider-Man 3, in my opinion, was very good. Was it the greatest film I have ever seen? No, but it was hardly the worst, either. I don't want to spoil everything for those who haven't seen it, but for my money, it certainly entertained.

Of course, being a Spidey-file, I would have sat through three hours of Spider-Man cooking dinner.

Oh, major props to the studio for making Bryce Dallas Howard attractive! Who knew???

A Few Thoughts On A Sunny Saturday In Philadelphia

Just a few odds and ends to start your weekend:

1. A man without a gas-powered, self-propelled Craftsman Advantage lawn mower is not a man. Today I fired up our brand spanking new machine, and cut about an hour off my mow time with our *gasp* electric POS.

2. The blogger formerly known as Captain D** has changed his name. Chalk up another victory for the liberal moonbat P.C. crowd in Philadelphia. Click the above link for the story.

3. Aaron at Lifelike Pundits talks about pussy. Fear not, it's not what you think.

4. The Right Wing Prof sheds some light on a very interesting PA Sheriff's race. The best candidate isn't the one you would assume.

5. RT describes her lost weekend, er, summer when she went hippie and trekked out to L.A. I wonder if she shaved her armpits?

6. Uber's back (sort of). And she brought pics! The peasants rejoice.

7. ALa exposes more MSM idiocy. And this time, it hits close to home.

8. Rachel had the most important day of her work life this week. Stop by and see if she survived.

9. My friend Bill and I are going to see Spider-Man 3 tonight. No link here, but it's a great excuse to post a pic of Kirsten Dunst.

The Game Of The Century

Or, at least the past month or so. Last night we won the must-win Game 2 of the finals. By one goal. In overtime. It was an ugly, hard-fought game that saw Vinnie score yet another hustle goal, me get my first penalty of the year (bye-bye, Lady Bing Trophy), and saw Badger get decked. The latter was not so much fun.

Badger cleared the zone and headed toward our bench. Some cheap shot bastard skated by him, hooked his skates, and tugged. Badger, already skating fast, was pulled down onto his chest and slammed head-first into the boards.

He lay there for about five minutes.

As we all plotted the attackers brutal demise - he wears #96 by the way - we tried to get Badger on his feet. Finally, he arose, and was trying to get his bearings. The referee, who was an a-hole all night, demanded that he "get off the ice." This just after he suffered a head injury. Badger, obviously, didn't take that very well, and unleashed a tirade of sentence enhancers not seen since Pandy gave birth. The result? The referees gave him a game misconduct penalty and threw him out of the game.

Thankfully, some good came out of it. It fired up the squad, and we went on to tie the game in the third period, then win it in overtime. Sunday night is judgment day. If we win, we're champs. If not, well then . . . not. Wish us luck.

By the way, here's a little glimpse at what last night's game entailed:

Weekend Caption Contest

Czech This Out Caption Contest
(Source: AFP)

Actual caption: "Walking Trabant : Czech artist David Cerny poses in front of his "Walking Trabant" sculpture in the garden of the German embassy in Prague." (AFP/Michal Cizek)

Other Current Contests:
Bullwinkle Blog
Cowboy Blob
Gone Rick Motel
Outside The Beltway
Right Pundits
Willisms

Top 10 Entries:
10. The left unveils its answer to global warming: cyborg cars that walk instead of using a combustion engine. "Stampeding is an unfortunate side-effect, but we're working on it," said Al Gore, a major backer of the project. Another problem is the size of its droppings, as the "Car-ivore" subsists on grass which it does not digest well. - Pam
9. "I created this piece, in honor of the winner of the Ugliest legs contest......... RT!!!" - Sssteve
8. Wyatt's decision to trade in his new Saturn SUV for an Eco-Friendly fag-mobile leaves the car salesman perplexed... "I really thought he was ready for an SUV, but I guess I misread the signals" the salesman was quoted as saying. - Captain America
7. "Gore did WHAT?" - McCain
6. "You know how hard it is to pee when a car walks up and stares?" - Redneck
5. A model design of GM's new Saturn: The Flintstone-mobile. All the power of a foot-powered vehicle but without the fear of blisters for the driver. On the left, the inventor shows the downside to using a prehistoric fishbone as a hair comb. - Vinnie Antonelli
4. The car can kick 4 hippies at once. - The Man
3. Fulfilling the liberals' wet dream, a gay, communist scientist figures out how to combine aborted fetuses and solar power in automobiles to combat global warming. It is also made out of explosive material, as an appeasement to terrorists, and is completely outsourced to countries hostile to the US. - JimmyB
2. "I'd used Hilary as the model for the legs, but I didn't have enough bronze for the cankles!" - Cowboy Blob

WINNER! - "In Soviet Russia the car tires kick you." - Rodney Dill

And You Think Your City Is Full Of Morons

Try living in Philadelphia.

Next Tuesday's primary election will be a real humdinger. That is, if you're a Democrat. No less than five candidates are vying to be the liberal moonbat representative for the November elections. The Republican challenger is unopposed, so very few GOP voters will head to the polls.

During Tuesday's primary, many ballot questions have been slickly inserted into the vote like a butter-up croissant into Michael Moore's gullet. One of the questions will deal with the Iraq War.

I'm not kidding.

Here is the ballot question, verbatim, as it will be seen by the voters:

"The citizens of Philadelphia urge the United States to make the year 2007 the time to redeploy U.S. troops out of harm's way in Iraq."

Take a minute. I'll wait.

Okay, are you back? Good. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? Who thought that this would be a proper forum for such a question? And even if it were, what difference would it make if a bunch of loony libs reiterated what we've heard for years now? Most of those answering this question will be Dems. Coincidence? I think not. Hell, even The Philadelphia Daily News - a paper that leans just to the left of Communism - thinks that the ballot question is a bad idea. And if they think that, you know something is really wrong with the system.

Consider the gall of this question. At the time of this post, the city of Philadelphia has seen 139 homicides this year. And it's only May. And it's not really hot yet. Maybe there should be a ballot question that reads something like this:

"The citizens of Philadelphia urge the Mayor to make the year 2007 the time to redeploy Philadelphians out of harm's way in Philadelphia."

But what do I know?