Who Wants To Be Famous?

Friggin' California:

"Beyonce' Knowles attended a Sports Illustrated party where guests may have been exposed to hepatitis A but she was not at risk of catching the illness because she didn't sample the food, her publicist said Wednesday." (H/T - Yahoo!)

This would be an upbeat story if someone like Al Gore, Rosie O'Donnell, or Michael Moore "sampled the food." Damnit.

A Wretched Hive Of Scum And Villainy

So, I was watching Desperado the other day, and was struck by the multitude of great villains in the cast. It got me thinking - which is rare for me - "Who are five of my favorite movie villains?" The next thing you know, I had a blog post. See how easy that was?

My Five Favorite Movie Villains

Auric Goldfinger. The Bond villain from the movie which bears his name is a Hall of Famer. Goldfinger is the best Bond movie - although heard that Casino Royale was excellent - and Auric Goldfinger is the best Bond villain, hands down. The chubby megalomaniac employs a henchman with a razor-equipped bowler, a chauffeur named Pussy Galore, and utters the greatest line in movie history. When Sean Connery asks if Auric expects him to talk, Goldfinger replies, "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!"

Mr. Blonde. Ah, Michael Madsen. Because of you, I can't listen to "Stuck in the middle with you" without curling up in the fetal position. Blonde is a maniac, and therein lies his charm. He doesn't apologize or make excuses for his bloodlust; he simply does his job. Unfortunately his "job" is murdering cops and innocent bystanders.


Johnny Ringo. Most deadly gunfighters cannot quote Latin, but then again, most gunfighters were not Biehn's Johnny Ringo. The bane of Wyatt Earp's existence, Ringo probably would have slain the law dog. Instead, he lost a shootout with Doc Holliday. In Pace Requiescat.

Darth Maul. Yeah, George Lucas killed him off - a gaffe almost as bad as Boba Fett's "demise" - but not before Maul wiped the floor with Qui Gon Jinn. Sadistic, deadly, and relentless, Maul is one of the greats in a not-so-great trilogy. Oh, and he gets bonus points for the double-bladed lightsaber.

Agent Smith. The greatest villain of all time. Sorry, kids, but it's true. Smith takes cool to a whole new level, and does so while staying impeccably dressed. His slow, deliberate way of speaking only adds to his enemies' dread. Well, his speech and his .50-cal Desert Eagle, that is.


Well, there's my top five. How about yours?

A Note About Comments

For some bizarre reason, Haloscan isn't registering some comments. I tried to reply to Pam's comment on the Answers post, and after the fifth try, I gave up. Hopefully, that's why SYLG has been low in the feedback department, and not because no one is reading anymore.

If your comment doesn't register, try again. Hopefully, Haloscan will be back online soon. Thanks!

You've Got Questions, We've Got Answers

Who's ready for some wisdom? On Sunday, I solicited your questions for entry into the Wyatt-Vac 4000. It took a few days, but the results are in. Enjoy! (And remember, there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.)

Pam asks, "Do you use deodorant? If so, do you prefer scented or unscented?"

Pam, my family is from France. What is this so-called "deodorant" to which you are referring? Oh, hold that thought, I gotta go surrender my country to our young Muslim population!

RT asks, "Why?" She then asks, "When?"

RT, I can't answer these questions without a Who? Heh. Why? Because we love you! M-O-U-S-E! When? Well, whenever I get up off my fat ass, which is becoming more difficult by the day.

JimmyB asks, "Are the Republicans going to put a conservative up for the primary, or are we looking at all we're going to get, already?"

Jimmy, the GOP has an ace in the hole. In July, they will announce that Ronald Reagan will be running for POTUS in 2008. Even dead, he will get more done than anyone (Republican or Democrat) currently running.

Little Miss Chatterbox demands, "I think you should do a post where you let each of us pick a person we hate to put on your post. Just a thought!!"

LMC, in the words of my six-year old, "You're not the boss of me!" Just eliminate the middle man, and steal my PIH idea like Rachel and Right Wing Prof already did.

Crazy Politico asks, "Why do you put hockey stuff on your blog when only Canadians and North Eastern Liberals like hockey?"

CP, why do you put U.S. Navy stuff on your blog, when everyone knows that sailors are effeminate? I mean, the Village People didn't write a song entitled, "In The Army." Sorry, Bob, for that I expect the USS New Jersey will send a salvo into my living room in moments. INCOMING!

Uber asks, "Are Christians in your area talking an awful lot about "the end being nigh" lately too or is this something exclusive to the bible-belt? Follow up- What do YOU think about all this talky-talk?"

Uber, I'm sorry, but I just saw a picture of you on your blog. Can you repeat the question? Heh. I think the Christians are discussing the End Times because they have recently seen my Site Meter. When a mental defective like myself can average 200 hits a day, the Apocalypse is at hand. Seriously, they probably see what I am seeing. Iran is getting more brazen, and we support Israel. Because of this, we will get drawn into the coming World War. Something big is coming down the road, and very few people are noticing.

The Anti-Hippie asks, "So, boxers or briefs? Questions or comments? Glazed or jelly-filled? Beer or liquor? Ann Coulter or Michelle Malkin?"

AH, here goes: 1. Guess again. "I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it!" 2. Definitely comments, since I don't get many lately. Could it be that I am not as funny and charming as I think I am? 3. I prefer powdered. In case anyone gives me grief, I can tell them I am using the donut to dust for prints. 4. Whatever's available. 5. Both are smart. Both are witty. Ann is a blond, which is always a plus, but Michelle is Asian, which is a much bigger plus. I give the edge to Malkin, because Coulter is way too skinny for me.

Sssteve asks, "How did you fit in that gay green costume?!"

Sssteve, it was easy once I grabbed the duct tape, girdle, and manzier! The question that remains, however, is how you fit in this baby picture with your brother?


Denise asks, "How do you get the burning to stop? Also, do you think Bauer should trust Logan?"

Denise, it usually subsides for me after I dip the affected area into an ice bucket. If that fails, then it's the requisite trip to the Free Clinic. What happens in Vegas stays in your bloodstream, I suppose. As far as Jack, I think he should trust Hillary Clinton, Teddy (*hic*) Kennedy, and Joe Biden before trusting President Weasel.

Big Wheel Keep On Turnin' . . .

My hockey team is rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ toward the playoffs. After brutalizing the Bruins by a score of 8-4 last night, we have won five games in a row, and have won ten out of our last twelve. I am still not entirely sure why I am still allowed to play with these guys, since the only thing I have offered the team recently is comic relief.

While playing defense, I committed the following atrocities: I blew an assignment early in the first period, and allowed the opposing player to out skate me to an early breakaway goal.

I took a slap shot to the ankle in the second period, before hobbling toward the bench. Luckily, no one scored as I was playing defense on one leg. As I type this, there is a lump on my ankle the size of a condor egg.

Immediately after I hobbled to the bench, I took off my glove and wiped the ice from my skate blade, slicing my left index finger. It felt like a paper cut, but bled like the Dickens for a while.

Thankfully, the usual suspects played to their usual brilliance: The Badger scored a goal, played stifling defense, and resisted the urge to drop the other team’s cheapest player. Afterwards, he told us he was going to bury the guy with a minute left in the game.

We think Randal Graves had a point on every one of our goals. He had a goal and two assists after the first period. Not to be outdone, he actually played defense for a change, and saved my slow ass on what would have been two sure goals. Thanks.

Fish played very well again, had at least one point, and was always there to say, “No you don’t” when I told him I suck. He’s a pretty good liar.

The Emma Laaksonen karma keeps flowing for Vinnie. After posting her picture on game night, Vinnie made an unbelievable backhand pass to set up first period goal, and hustled his way through face offs, power plays, and Guinness at the bar afterwards.

Our next game is Sunday, March 11.

Tell Me Again How Baseball Isn't Corrupt?

And people ask me why I despise baseball? I am fighting an aneurysm while posting this:

"SAN FRANCISCO (AFP) - Concern over a possible indictment for perjury will keep Barry Bonds from cooperating with Major League Baseball's steroids investigation, the star's lawyer told local media."

What's the big deal? Bill Clinton perjured himself, and was lauded as a hero of liberals everywhere.

"The San Francisco Chronicle reported Monday that George Mitchell, the former US Senator leading a probe into steroids in baseball, has sent letters urging players linked to the BALCO steroid scandal to cooperate."

A last grasp at respectability from a sport that is quickly turning into the new boxing.

"But Michael Rains, Bonds' lawyer, told the Chronicle that the San Francisco Giants outfielder cannot cooperate as long as he faces possible indictment. A grand jury is looking into perjury and tax charges against Bonds." (H/T - Yahoo! Sports)

And yet, Bonds expects to be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Unreal.

I know what you're thinking: "Wyatt, why do you have a proverbial hard-on for Barry Bonds?" Well, it's simple, really. In the last decade, baseball has become the liberal hippie sport of choice. True blue baseball fans have a holier-than-thou air about them - many, but not all - and they proudly proclaim their "sport" to be pure and chaste. At the same time, these hippies ignore the rampant steroid use and abuse amongst their biggest stars, and still pay good money to see the Bonds' and Sosa's of the league. It's truly hypocritical.

Pete Rose bet on baseball, and fans wanted him lynched for ruining the "integrity" of the game. These same fans were suspiciously quiet during the McGwire/Sosa home run race of a few years ago.

You tell me which player truly ruins the "integrity of the game."

Baby Panda Born In Loving Captivity

Pandy 's baby girl came on February 22nd. She weighed in at 6 pounds, 1 ounce, and was 19.9 inches long. Mom and daughter are doing well.

Why not stop by and wish them congratulations?

SYLG's Mad Libs

It's a snowy Monday in Philadelphia, so what better time to try out a new feature here at the homestead? Today, I give you SYLG's Mad Libs, where I offer a funny or ironic story, and allow you, the reader, to make whatever comments you deem necessary. Comments can be serious, comedic, or (like me) snarky. If you're interested, post your thoughts in the comments section, and I'll add them to the post after midnight.

Here's the inaugural story:

"NEW YORK - Genealogists have found that civil rights activist the Rev. Al Sharpton is a descendant of a slave owned by relatives of the late Sen. Strom Thurmond, a newspaper reported Sunday." - (H/T - Yahoo! News)

And here is your commentary:

The Man wrote: "...Al Sharpton was appalled that his family once had to work for a living."

Randal Graves wrote: "Mr. Sharpton will now be suing Mr. Thurmond and his BLACK daughter. When Strom was asked to comment, his only response was 'I loved Chris Tucker in Rush Hour.'"

The Man also wrote: "Let's play Al Sharpton Mad Libs:

Al Sharpton is upset this week by __________ (cause -of-the-week). He demands ________(dollar amount) to be donated to his PAC to rectify the situation."

Uncle Ray wrote: "Now Al can recite the line that Tawanna Brawley did.....'Ain't no one am gonna manipsulate me!'"

Insolublog wrote: " NEW YORK – Gynecologists have found that civil rot
activist Rev. Al Sharpton closely resembles a salve used by relatives of the late Sen. Strom Thurmond, to relieve the itch and rash of herpes, a newspaper reported Sunday."

Thanks for playing, everyone! I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I have the funniest readership in the blogosphere!

A Miss Blogs4Bauer Pageant Update

Nina Myers: Moving On

Allah be praised! Nina Myers wiped the mat with Audrey "Big Nose" Raines last week, winning her match up by 184 votes. NICE! This week's contest pairs Sherry "Uber-bitch" Palmer against Lesbian Terrorist Mandy. Make sure you vote early and often. You can do so HERE.

Matt Kenseth: California Dreamin'

Yep, that's Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson taking second and third.

Matt Kenseth took the checkered flag in yesterday's Auto Club 500 at Fontana, California. Although I hate Kenseth's car owner (the despicable Jack Roush), I like Kenseth. Combine his win with second and third place finishes from my faves Gordon and Johnson, and today is a very happy day!

In a related note, I am currently in second place - after the deductions for GOP and College's Daytona entry - in our NASCAR fantasy league, trailing that know-it-all Rachel. My cousin Ray? Dead last. HA!

It It Hot On Earth, Or Is It Just Al Gore?

By tomorrow morning, Al Gore will add "Academy Award Winner" to his long and distinguished list of accomplishments, like "Vice-President of the United States," and . . . um, "Guy from Tennessee?" Either way, his pablum-spewing piece of propaganda, "An Inconvenient Truth" will win the Oscar tonight. Count on it.

(In an unrelated matter, Philly is expecting snow today.)

I know this may make many of you depressed. I mean, imagine how much more self-centered Al will be after this victory? Hell, he'll be worse than me! Unfortunately, the victory will come, and it will cause a series of climactic events never before seen on this planet . . .

Top Ten Effects Of Al Gore's Oscar Win

10. RT will win our NASCAR fantasy league.
9. The Philadelphia Flyers will make the playoffs.
8. Bill Clinton will make love to Hillary tonight.
7. James Cameron will find Jesus' tomb; and claim he wasn't resurrected.
6. Randal Graves will start playing defense at our hockey games.
5. Americans will flee to Mexico for a better life.
4. Patrick Star will be inducted into MENSA.
3. Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will join B'nai B'rith.
2. Al Sharpton will be linked to Strom Thurmond.

And the number one effect of Al Gore's Oscar win is . . .

1. Rosie O'Donnell will pose for Playboy, after the pounds melt off from global warming.

Devilish!

"DURHAM, N.C. – Men's lacrosse – the game, not the scandal – made an emotional and triumphant return to Duke University on Saturday.

After a traumatic, abbreviated 2006 season, which ended after eight games following an off-campus party that led to rape charges against three players and cost 16-year coach Mike Pressler his job, many are wondering if the Blue Devils can rise again and chase an NCAA title.

Duke overcame a shaky start to beat Dartmouth 17-11 in its highly anticipated season opener. Judging by the circumstances and hoopla surrounding the game, it was easy to understand the Blue Devils' nervousness." (H/T - Yahoo! Sports)

This may not be the popular, or sensitive (read: hippie) opinion, but this is the best news I have heard in quite a while. As a lacrosse coach myself, I give the Duke Lax boys credit for overcoming the garbage they have had to deal with, and starting fresh . . . by whupping an Ivy League (read: hippie) program. Good for them!

Something To Break Up The Monotony

It's been a month or so since I last posted a Q&A. And, since I need a quick and easy idea for a post, this will have to do.

Submit your burning questions in the comments section and I'll have your answers by mid-week. And remember, every answer comes with a handy-dandy link pimp for your blog.

Giddyup!

BUMPED! Weekend Caption Contest

Hara Kiri Caption Contest. (H/T - Yahoo! Sports)

Other Current Contests:
Outside The Beltway
Cowboy Blob
Bagel Blogger

Top 5 Entries (Participation was light this week.)

5. Potvin practicing for his off-ice job as the letter "A" (as in Y.M.C.A.) in a Village People tribute group. Watch where he puts that stick! - Uncle Ray
4. Earl never could play hockey again after the Hanson Brothers found out about crazy glue. - Rondey Dill
3. In an attempt to convince his coach he needs a break from the action, he spears himself to draw his own penalty. - RT
2. "My shame for my team forces me to do the only honorable thing. Hockey-Kari." - Deathlok

Winner: "Please stop chanting "Potvin Sucks". I can't take it any more. It's been 2 decades. Get over it." - The Badger

Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Wow, it's been eons since I pimped out my friends. And since I am in a jovial mood, I figured I would try and sent some hits their way in lieu of me actually reading their posts. Heh.

Yeah, like a link from me will send someone's Site Meter into overdrive. The ego on me! Anyway, here's a few posts of interests. courtesy of my blog buds:

Big White Hat has a Big White Mouth. He explains why I can hear him in Philly when he is whispering in Texas.

Pam informs us that the first Dem Prez Candidate has been VilSACKED. It's unfortunate, since the man had an upbringing right out of The Jerk.

JimmyB hates Muslims. Actually, he doesn't, but liberal hippies who rad his post will immediately conclude that. Heh. Hippies.

Crazy Politico reminds us that politicians who use songs drafted by child molesters can still get elected in this country. And they said Ozzy Osbourne was a bad influence.

Denny actually posted for a change. HA! Take that, fire boy! This time, he is worshiping at the altar of his Borg Queen of Geeks.

Insolublog once again makes my "writing" look like a bucket of puke. This time, he is taking on those whacky Aye-talians.

Miriam posts about a real jackass. And for once it's not me!

Fitch has a post about . . . well, I can't explain it. It's a video detailing . . . Never mind. Just check it out here.

Right Wing Prof exposes some of the dullards in his profession. It ain't pretty, gang.

Oh, and Uber is a mega-hottie. A mega-hottie who's writing a book.

Stats Ahoy!

Well, it took me the better part of the season, but I finally found a way to post our fantasy hockey spreadsheet on the blog. Unfortunately, I couldn't unlock this riddle when I was near the top of the standings, but I digress.

Here's the stats as of last night's games. And for the benefit of those who care, "Pinchy" is Deathlok, and "MoDo" is Vinnie Antonelli. My team is the one that sucks.

People I Hate

I don't know why, but I am in a pretty good mood today. So much so that I almost abandoned PIH in favor of a People I Like. Then, I figured everyone would bitch about it, and I didn't need that noise. Heh. For some reason, my angry rants entertain others. Go figure.

The Simpsons
Can we just stop with this show? I worshiped this series in the early days. Unfortunately, it hasn't been funny since the mid-90's. And now, eighteen years after the series' debut, Matt Groening is releasing The Simpson's Movie. Are you frakkin' kidding me? This may have been a good idea in 1991. In 2007? Not so much.

I think it's about time The Simpsons go the way of Dr. Marvin Monroe, Bleeding Gums Murphy, and Maude Flanders.

Heather Mills

Paul McCartney's hippie ex-wife is slated to be a contestant on Dancing With The Stars. Allow me to repeat that so it really sinks in. Paul McCartney's hippie ex-wife is slated to be a contestant on Dancing With The Stars. I know what you're thinking: "Wyatt, what's the big deal?" Read on:

"Mills, 39, a former model turned social activist who lost her left leg below the knee in a traffic accident, will be the first contestant on the show to compete with an artificial limb, the Walt Disney Co.-owned broadcaster said."

SHE LOST HER LEFT LEG BELOW THE KNEE IN A TRAFFIC ACCIDENT! AND SHE IS GOING TO BE A CONTESTANT IN A DANCE CONTEST!!!

Can we please stop with the social experiments on television? Look, I am very sorry that she lost her leg. Really, and I mean that. But her entry into this sham of a contest is nothing short of liberal hippie progressivism. The next thing you know, we'll be seeing deaf mutes performing on American Idol.

Joan and Melissa Rivers

Why are these yappy broads famous? And by "famous," I mean famous like Joey Buttafuoco famous. At least Joan used to guest host The Tonight Show . . . in 1945. These Long Island yentas will be on the red carpet at the Oscars - again - talking to other vapid celebrities and asking, "What are you wearing?" Just once, I'd like to see someone say, "A dress made from human skin." The only saving grace is that the Rivers-eses are doing what makes them famous - boring people - on the TV Guide Channel.

A "Three" Grows In West Philadelphia

Take that, Vinnie!

Sorry. Vinnie Antonelli went to Temple, so it's fun to give him crap when my Alma Mater routs his basketball team.

"There is another tradition Saint Joseph's coach Phil Martelli might love more than Big 5 games at the Palestra: the Hawks getting hot again down the stretch. Ahmad Nivins scored 18 points and grabbed 10 rebounds, and Pat Calathes scored a career-high 27 points to lead Saint Joseph's to a 92-76 win over Temple on Thursday night." (H/T - SJU)

Jack Says, "Vote Or Die!"

The voting for this week's round of the Miss Blogs4Bauer Pageant continues. Our next matchup will be posted on Monday.

Helen Thomas Loses Her Front Row Seat

Did anyone check for it in the fat folds of her neck?

The White House press room just got a lot less ugly. Check this out from Hot Air:

"The press corps is scheduled to move from temporary facilities back into the spiffed-up, rewired briefing room in May or June. Thomas, who has been questioning presidents and press secretaries for 46 years, plans to be there. But her front-row seat won’t be. Plans call for her to be moved to the second row to make room for a cable news channel – a sign of Washington’s changing pecking order, and of the new ways that Americans get their news."

This move virtually assures Thomas will never be able to ask another one of her patented liberal hippie questions. I mean, who's going to see her in the first row all bent over because of that mighty humpback. Ciao, Quasimodo!

Why I Love Wayne Gretzky

Deathlok just posted a video about his favorite NHL player, with the caption "Why I love Nick Fotiu." I felt I needed to respond . . .

News You Can Use

Just when you thought it was safe to read the news . . .

* Two clowns shot dead at circus. Allegedly, before the murder, witnesses overheard someone asking, "What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny?"

* Men-free tourism island planned. This piqued my interest immediately after I imagined an island chock full of Amazons. Then, I read that the island is in Iran. No thanks.

* Britain's Prince Harry will serve in Iraq. Say what you want about the Limeys, but they certainly are not "chicken hawks."

* The Hill-dabeast and Barack Osama cat fight continues. Would it be too rude of me to hope they fight to the death? Maybe we can bring back Thunderdome?

We now return you to your regularly scheduled boredom.

Idiocy In Action

It's funny, but not "Ha, Ha" funny.

Check out this story, which ran on February 18:

"Rep. William Jefferson, D-New Orleans, who was punished by his party last year with the loss of his Ways and Means Committee seat after revelations stemming from a federal bribery probe, now appears to be inching back into favor.

Jefferson was appointed Friday to the Homeland Security Committee. Democrats removed him from Ways and Means after federal investigators said they found $90,000 in marked money in the freezer of his Washington home." (H/T - The Times-Picayune)

And now read this related story which ran on February 21:

"WASHINGTON - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi called for tighter ethics rules in federal agencies Wednesday after government officials approved the purchase of a $980,000 vacation home by a top Justice Department lawyer with an oil company lobbyist." (H/T - Yahoo!)

So, Pelosi calls for tighter ethics rules a mere three days after appointing the uber-corrupt Jefferson to the prestigious Homeland Security Committee, and thinks no one will notice? What a set of balls on this woman!

"We're Going Streaking!"

Lately, ice hockey has been a lot more fun than usual. Winning does that. Last night, our hard work and hustle earned us a 6-5 win against the Rink Rats, and suddenly, we are near the top of the league standings. The team is playing exceptionally well overall, both offensively and defensively. How well are we playing?

Since December 10, our team has only lost two games (out of our last eleven) and have won four straight. Our current record is 10-7-2 with six games left in the regular season.

Life is good. So good, in fact, that I can highlight a few points of interest:

* Vinnie Antonelli has scored at least a point a game since I started posting pictures of Emma Laaksonen on game day. Maybe I should post a photo of Jessica Biel to help my numbers.

* Note to The Badger: spending a "naked day" with Jennie-poo may seem like fun for you, but showing up really late for the game is not so much fun for us.

* Fish had a beautiful goal last night - his first of the season - then became a "chucker" for the rest of the game, even trying slap shots from the point. Let's not get nuts, chief!

* Randal Graves had yet another multi-point game last night, but nothing beat his one-gloved catch of a high lead pass at center ice. Nice grab, Buckwheat.

* I still stink, but no so badly. Although I had no points last night, I was a +3 on the night. And no, there is not enough space here to explain +/- ratings.

Attempted Murder Of A Philadelphia Police Officer

The scumbag's car. Note the officer's blood near the front right tire.

Here's yet another example of what Philadelphia police officers have to face every day.

Speeding Car Pins Undercover Cop During Northern Liberties Bust
by KYW's Michelle Durham

"Two Philadelphia undercover officers were injured -- one critically -- on Wednesday morning after being struck by a car in Northern Liberties while in the process of arresting a robbery suspect.

Police say the suspect's brother was behind the wheel of the car and exclaimed, "You're not going to arrest my brother" before gunning the accelerator and trapping one officer between the vehicle and a utility pole. The other officer was thrown onto the hood of the car.

The pinned officer was rushed to Hahnemann Hospital in critical but stable condition, where surgeons prepared to operate in an attempt to save his leg.

According to police, the plainclothes policemen were in the midst of making an arrest at Orianna and Wildey Streets, with the suspect of a Tuesday robbery in custody and in handcuffs, awaiting a van to pick up the suspect when the car came at them.

The critically injured officer's name was not immediately released until his family could be notified. The other officer was not seriously hurt and was also being treated at Hahnemann." (H/T - KYW)

For those of you new to SYLG, I am not one of those people that think because I wear a shield I am some kind of hero. Having said that, this is the kind of crap we have to deal with every single day. It galls me that our Mayor and City Council are more concerned with outlawing smoking and banning trans fats than they are about the safety of our brutally understaffed department.

Just my $0.02.

For All Of You Star Wars Fans . . .

I found this on YouTube. It's about ten minutes long, but it's a riot! Enjoy.

Wyatt's Wisdom Nuggets

It's been three weeks since I posted a nugget, but after today's news, I had to tip my hat.

Wyatt's Wisdom Nugget #10: You know life is good when you have knocked up a beautiful actress mere days before hooking up with a Victoria's Secret model.

That's right, Tom Brady, I'm talking to you. Lucky bastard.

Interview With The Vampire (Movie Wachter?)

"I'm ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille."

First the Basil interview, and now this? I'm gonna get an even bigger head!

Mr. Joe from Mr. Joe Blog's Blog - wow, that's tough to write - interviewed me this weekend. I tried to keep it under my hat, since I wanted everyone to read it after it was posted. Personally, I think it's pretty funny, but everything I think is funny, you guys usually don't.

Check it out for yourselves HERE.

A Miss Blogs4Bauer Update

Well kids, the next round of The Miss Blogs4Bauer Pageant is up and running. This week, the lovely and devilish Nina Myers is squaring off against the butt-ugly and annoying Audrey Raines. Make sure you stop by B4B and cast your ballot! Any guesses on who I chose?

It's President's Day!

And before you rattle off the greats like Washington and Lincoln, I would like you to consider Theodore Roosevelt, who, in my opinion, is the one of the greatest Presidents who ever lived. He is certainly the greatest President of the 20th Century.

Disagree? Convince me of someone more deserving in the last 107 years. Go ahead, I'll wait . . .


"A man who is good enough to shed his blood for his country is good enough to be given a square deal afterwards. More than that no man is entitled, and less than that no man shall have." - Speech to veterans, Springfield, IL, July 4, 1903

"Don't hit at all if you can help it; don't hit a man if you can possibly avoid it; but if you do hit him, put him to sleep." - New York City, February 17, 1899

Milton Street. Corruptus In Extremus!

Uncle Milty just can't stay off the police blotter can he? It wasn't bad enough he was featured on Friday's edition of PIH? Read on:

(CBS 3) MOORESTOWN, N.J. Mayoral candidate Milton Street, the brother of Philadelphia Mayor John Street, was arrested Monday at a Moorestown, New Jersey convenience store.

When he walks into police facilities, he is greeted with a Cheers-esque greeting: "MILT!!"

Authorities said a Moorestown police officer recognized Street, shopping at the 7-11 on Camden Avenue and Lenola Road, who had outstanding traffic warrants.

Allegedly, he is a huge scofflaw - one news broadcast said he had "scores" of outstanding tickets. I mean, if you're going to dream, you might as well dream big!

Street said he was unaware of the warrants and was taken to the Moorestown Police Department. (H/T - CBS3)

I believe him, since he currently has those pesky federal indictments on his mind. Cripes, what a town.

BUMPED! Weekend Caption Contest Winners

Maybe Tyler D is on to something with the Formula 1 stuff . . .

Sorry, I just couldn't do politics this week. Post your entries in the comments section, and I'll list the winners by Monday. Photoshops are welcomed, and they can be sent to my e-mail address in the Profile section.

Other Current Contests:
Cowboy Blob
Rodney Dill
Gone Rick Motel
Damian G.

Top Ten Entries:
10. "Sorry, perv. You can't "unsheathe your sword" around here. - The Anti-Hippie
9. "I am too Superman, look at my cape!" - Fmragtops
8. The Roman Empire accepts its first trans-gendered Centurion. - Wagonsux
7. Contestants chat before auditions begin on American Idol: Village People Edition. - John D
6. The new leather chastity belt was more than enough to defend against the Cloth Crusader. - Deathlok
5. "As the Trojan spokesmodel, do you provide a "hands on" demonstration of your product? Just wonderin'." - RT
4. "You know, if you ride with me, I can get you 0 to Naked in 3.2 seconds." - GOP and College
3. "Why yes, that is a gladius in my pocket." - Rodney Dill
2. "I'll take a pack of Magnums . . . and some rubber bands please." - The Man

Winner! - "That chastity belt delenda est!" - Cowboy Blob

Kevin Harvick Wins The Daytona 500

Damnit. I hate Harvick, but it was good to see Mark Martin get screwed.

I know what you're thinking. "Gee Wyatt, Mark Martin is a nice guy and has been a good ambassador for NASCAR for the last 250 years. Why would you want to see him fail?" Heh. Silly humans. In case you missed my 4 Things I Hate About Me post, I hold a grudge for a long, long time. In 1998, Martin was driving for scumbag owner Jack Roush. Martin was vying with Jeff Gordon for the championship, and after a race at New Hampshire, Roush (and to some extent Martin) contended that Gordon and Ray Evernham doctored their tires. They flat out said Gordon's team cheated, even after NASCAR tests proved otherwise.

To this day, I pray to the little baby Jesus that Mark Martin never wins a Nextel Cup championship, and never wins the Daytona 500. Thank you, tiny baby Jesus!

Oh, and how sweet was this to see?

Shave Me, Baby, One More Time

Ya gotta love Britney Spears. Not content to simply reign as America's White Trash Queen, she finally went off the deep end this week by shaving her head, showing up at a tattoo parlor, and allegedly entering rehab. Some people have wondered why Britney has made such puzzling life choices. Well, SYLG has the answers . . .

Top 10 Reasons Britney Spears Changed Her Look

10. Auditioning for the role of the female Captain Picard.
9. Evening it out by not shaving her legs.
8. She's showing her solidarity for baldos like Vinnie.
7. It worked for Sinead O'Connor, right?
6. Global warming made her hair frizz.
5. She's more aerodynamic for the Daytona 500.
4. Told friends if her JetBlue plane didn't take off, she'd get a tattoo.
3. Soccer ball look will turn on David Beckham.
2. Realized that she can never have Fmragtops.

And the number one reason Britney Spears changed her look is . . .

1. Misunderstood the "Guys like women shaved" axiom.

Gentlemen (And Ladies) Start Your Engines!

Hell, if Peakah can do it, so can I.

Your friendly neighborhood blogger is creating a NASCAR Fantasy League through Yahoo! Sports. Anyone can join - it's free - and everyone should be lining up to beat the tar out of my team. The rules are fairly straightforward, and since I have never been in a NASCAR league there, we will all learn as we go.

If you're interested, go to the home page HERE, and click "Join Group." Then, click "Join Existing Group." Then, click "Join A Private Group" and insert the following information. Here's the info you will need:

Group ID# - 40669
Password - wyatt

Note: The deadline for entries is Wednesday, February 21!

Kevin Harvick Wins The Orbitz 300

Dang. And the Orbitz 300 was a pretty good race until the finish.

Well, Kevin Harvick won the Orbitz 300 today at Daytona International Speedway, so it's time for Wyatt's Monthly NASCAR rant:

Nextel Cup drivers should not allowed to enter Busch Series races!!!

Simply stated, Harvick's (and Mark Martin, Tony Stewart, Dale Earnhardt, Jr) entry into the minor league race meant that other younger drivers had to sit out. This is NASCAR's biggest problem in my eyes. The top drivers don't need the money, they don't really need the practice time, and they don't need to slam the doors on drivers who would otherwise love to be racing on Saturday.

I mean, cripes, Harvick won the Busch Series title last year! Maybe he would have had a better shot at the Nextel Cup if he concentrated on racing only there. But that's just me.

An Intimidating Date

I can't believe it will be six years to the day.

DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. – It's a date that never will be celebrated, nor will it be forgotten: Feb. 18, 2001. That day rocked NASCAR to its core.

Whether you loved him or hated him, you couldn't help but have been shocked at how Dale Earnhardt, the iron man of stock car racing, the guy everyone thought was indestructible, lost his life.

On the final lap of the world's biggest race, the Daytona 500, with the checkered flag waving in the distance, the man whose nickname of The Intimidator instilled fear and apprehension into almost every one of his competitors, crashed his notorious black No. 3 race car in Turn 4 and, just like that, was gone. (H/T - Yahoo! Sports)

For those who don't follow NASCAR, Earnhardt's death I would explain it like this:

His death was akin to Wayne Gretzky taking a puck to the head and dying on the ice.

His death was akin to Michael Jordan having a heart attack and dying on the court.

His death was akin to Cal Ripken getting hit by a ball and dying at the plate.

Most of you know that I am a Jeff Gordon fan. Gordon is only one victory away of tying Earnhardt's career win mark of 76. Some great drivers have less wins, and some great drivers have more, but for my money there will never be a driver like Dale Earnhardt. Period.

Britney Spears Enters Rehab

The television show Extra! is reporting that Brit allegedly entered rehab today.

This is the most shocking story since I read these headlines:

1. News Flash: snow is cold!

2. Breaking News: fire is hot!

3. Update: Tony Stewart sucks!

People I Hate

At the risk of being berated by Vinnie, Randal, and Badger, I should have stayed home last night. Sure, we beat the third place Steelers by a score of 8-1, but I think I seriously re-injured my chest/ribs. And, now I have to listen to the wife's "I told ya so" all day. Dang.

Any hoo, my rubs hurt, but my bile ducts are just fine. Here ya go:

Milton Street

The brother of America's most corrupt, inept mayor is running for that same office in 2007. Check out this blurb from The Philadelphia Inquirer:

Figure this: A former hot dog vendor who (a) couldn't get his name on a Pennsylvania ballot last year because he lived in New Jersey and (b) is under indictment on federal corruption and tax charges has decided to run for mayor of Philadelphia.

"If people don't want to vote for me because I've been indicted, go vote for somebody else," T. Milton Street Sr. said yesterday as he announced he was joining the five major Democratic candidates for mayor.

Oh, those wacky Democrats! Why should a little federal indictment stop them from running for office? Calling this man a piece of detritus is an insult to the detritus. I wish he were kidding, but like most Democrats, Uncle Milty has no sense of humor.

Katie Holmes

You think marrying Tom Cruise and joining the loony Scientologists was a bad decision?

Claiming "scheduling conflicts," the 28-year-old actor has confirmed she will not reprise her Batman Begins role in the upcoming sequel The Dark Knight, despite the fact that her character, Rachel Dawes, remains in the script. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Let's not get nuts here; Holmes is not a good actress. However, the fact that she has decided to abandon the Batman series - in my opinion, Batman Begins was one of the best comic book films in a long time - is complete idiocy. I guess she didn't want her reputation tainted by staring in a good film for a change. The above story said she was working on a new film opposite Queen Latifah. Yeah, let us know how that works out for ya, Kate. Ass.

Barry Bonds

Yeah, I know, this toad is always appearing here, but he keeps irking me to no end. Steroid Barry finally signed his one-year deal with the San Francisco Giants after two months of argument. Like anyone else would have this scrote.

While reading the article at Yahoo! News, this sentence infuriated me:

"The 42-year-old Bonds is 22 homers shy of breaking Hank Aaron's career record of 755."

Barry Bonds will be baseball's home run king after this season. Count on it. And when he breaks Aaron's mark, the sport of baseball will officially be a bigger joke than pro boxing.

Peter The Great Packs His Bags

It's official: now there is absolutely no reason to watch the Philadelphia Flyers.

For weeks, questions regarding the status of superstar Peter Forsberg have been asked. An answer finally may be coming.

Citing undisclosed sources, TSN of Canada reported on its web site Thursday that the Philadelphia Flyers have agreed to a deal that would send Forsberg to the Nashville Predators for a combination of young players and draft picks.

According to the report, the Flyers would receive left wing Scottie Upshall, defenseman Ryan Parent and first- and third-round selections from the Predators, who entered Thursday with a league-leading 81 points. Upshall was chosen sixth overall in 2002, while Parent was the 18th player taken in the 2005 draft. (H/T - Yahoo! Sports)

As a quasi-Predators fan, I am loving this news! As a quasi-Flyers fan, I am disappointed, since Forsberg was easily my favorite player on this team. I will miss seeing him play.

This Is My Idea Of Com-e-dy!

While waiting for the Gatorade Twin Duels at Daytona to begin, I was surfing Yahoo! and found yet another story about decaying D-List celebrity Anna Nicole Smith. As I was reading about the battle over her corpse - that's right - I picked out three quotes that had me rolling on the floor in laughter.

But, I have a warped sense of humor.

During the debate over where the body should be held, this little gem was uttered:

"California has no need for the body of Anna Nicole," said James Neavitt, an attorney for Howard K. Stern, one of several men claiming paternity of 5-month-old Dannielynn.

No, but when she was alive, he body had a need for the population of California. And New York, and Hawaii, and . . .

A lawyer for Smith's mother then was quoted as saying the following:

"No one should go about touching Anna Nicole," Rale said.

Yeah, that has been done to death.

And finally, leave it to the coroner to jump upon the double-entendre:

As the dispute unfolded in court, Broward County medical examiner Joshua Perper filed an affidavit Tuesday urging the prompt release of the body, warning that "any further delay would result in destructive changes to the body." (H/T - Yahoo!)

The cosmetic surgery, breast implants, and rapid weight loss/gains, however, had no effect.

I swear to God, sometimes this stuff writes itself.

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Unless, of course, your choice of spreads is Peter Pan. That's right, the boy who never grew up now has a problem more perplexing than puberty: salmonella.

OMAHA, Neb. - ConAgra Foods Inc. told consumers to discard certain jars of Peter Pan and Great Value peanut butter after the spread was linked to a salmonella outbreak that has sickened almost 300 people nationwide.

Lids of jars with a product code beginning "2111" can be returned to ConAgra for a refund, the company said. (H/T - Yahoo! News)

The after effects of diarrhea and vomiting should probably not be returned for a refund.

P.S. - Randal wanted me to post the Family Guy video link. It's here.

Chaka Con

Do you believe the won tons on this guy?

"Chaka Fattah's proposal that Philadelphia consider a fee on cars entering Center City at peak hours may have won him some nods of approval from environmental activists."

Oh joy, the hippies love the "car tax."

"But a day after Fattah included the "congestion charge" proposal in a long list of policy ideas about transportation, the idea had a lot of people fuming - particularly those outside Center City who own cars and those inside Center City who own businesses."

I know that the local media doesn't want to hear this, but most people come to my city because they work here. That's all.

"Fattah's idea of charging drivers a fee for using congested streets at peak hours is modeled after a successful program in London, where a daily fee of roughly $16 on private cars in the city's core has slashed commute times and the number of vehicles on the street." (H/T - Philly.com)

Look, there's no way in hell I would vote for a mayor named "Chaka." There's certainly no way I'd vote for a man named "Chaka," who also believes that convicted Philly cop killer Mumia abu Jamal didn't get a fair trial. And there's absolutely no way in hell that I would vote for a man named "Chaka," who wants to charge motorists a city entrance fee.

That being said, he'll probably win the 2007 election in a landslide.

Cheater, Cheater, Possum Eater!

"Hi everyone! I'm a cheating bastard! Buy NAPA!"

I almost can't blame Waltrip. He stinks, so he might as well cheat!

Michael Waltrip's crew chief and team director were thrown out of the Daytona 500 and suspended indefinitely Wednesday because an illegal substance was found during inspection for the season-opening race.

Waltrip, docked 100 points, will be allowed to participate in Thursday's races that determine the field for NASCAR's biggest event of the year.

David Hyder, his crew chief, was thrown out of the garage and fined $100,000. Team director Bobby Kennedy also was kicked out.

NASCAR officials would not reveal what they found in Waltrip's intake manifold, but a person with knowledge of the investigation told The Associated Press it was a form of jet fuel.

"I don't think this is anything that we've seen in the recent past,'' said competition director Robin Pemberton. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Here's a glimpse of how bad Michael Waltrip is: even with the alleged jet fuel in his manifold, he only managed the 25th fastest time in practice! This moron can't even cheat right!