About

Saturday, September 30, 2006

It's Linky, It's Linky . . .

It's fun for a girl and a boy!

Just a few items of note from around my sidebar:

Denny begins his first installment of Real American Dirtbags. And I cannot imagine a more deserving winner.

Deathlok finds the most obscure cartoon ever on YouTube. It even creeps me out!

Cowboy Blob has a "slinky" caption contest! Mmm . . . latex!

GOP and the City also has his Weekend Caption Contest up. It's Thai-riffic!

Pandy is having a baby girl! Buzz cuts for everyone!!!

And, finally, Fitch is trying to find someone to buy his laptop. Smokestack not included.

Only Four More Days

The 2006-07 NHL season begins on Wednesday night!

Friday, September 29, 2006

The Blogs Miss You

Have you ever seen those advertisements for the sleep aid Lunestra? They usually involve Abraham Lincoln, Genghis Khan, and a monkey on a unicycle with the catch phrase, "Your dreams miss you." Well, recently the same can be said of me.

"The blogs miss you."

Work, the kids, and life in general has been damned near insane lately. Finding time to post is becoming as easy as getting the media to praise the Bush Administration. And although, I am still posting here - and will continue to do so - I am rarely posting comments on your blogs. Hell, I haven't posted on Blogs 4 Bauer in two weeks! The fact of the matter is that my sidebar links have tripled in the last year, and while I have always tried to visit and post a comment or two, it's now near impossible. Rest assured I still visit my sidebar links at least once a week, but I may not have been commenting there. For this, I apologize.

I'll try a little harder in the future, but I wanted to let everyone know what was going on.

People I Hate

These three toads are all repeat offenders, but they keep doing things that make me rush for the duct tape. And away we go.

Robert Menendez

The incumbent Democratic Senator from New Jersey is running radio ads for his reelection which attack his challenger, Republican Tom Kean, Jr. The ads describe Kean as a "Pro-War, Pro-Bush Republican" voiced over eerie evil conservative music. Kean is also described as one who voted against "Pro-Choice judges. (Read: "Tom Kean has a problem with women indiscriminately killing their unborn children.") My question is this: if Kean is running as a Republican, wouldn't he be fairly insane to not support the Republican President and his policies? Cripes, then he would cease being Tom Kean and start being Arlen Specter!

Kean is attempting to become the first Republican Senator from Joisy in 34 years - that should give you some insight into the voting practices of the Garden State. In my opinion, 34 years without someone else (from either party) in charge is not a good thing. It's the sort of thing that breeds corruption. Which by the way, is the charge currently levied against Menendez. (Cue eerie evil liberal music.)

I live in Philly, so I have no stake in this race, but when the voters of New Jersey sweep Menendez into office moments before he is indicted, I will be the one laughing on the other side of the bridge.

Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell

This fat bastard will be reelected in a landslide. I guarantee it. Why? Because Philadelphia-area voters are idiots. In four years, Rendell has done little for this state except approve a pay raise for judges, lawmakers, and top government officials in an effort to "kiss a little butt" with the Legislature. Unfortunately, the size of Rendell's war chest almost equals the size of his gut. Even a football hero like Lynn Swann has zero chance defeating this union kingpin. And the state will suffer through four more years of malaise.

Michael Smerconish

I don't listen to Smerconish's radio program anymore, but since he's on the same Philly station as Glenn Beck, I have to suffer through his advertisements. Smerconish went off the deep end last summer, when he came back from vacation with a new, liberal spin on life. Since then, he has sacrificed his credibility - and, in my opinion, his self-respect - to become the mainstream media's new darling. His newfound Oprah-esque aura must have been the impetus for his Book Club. Apparently, Smerconish invites authors to talk about their book and opens the floor for a question and answer session. This month, he is promoting disgraced New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey's tell-all book about being "a gay American."

Let's forget for a minute that McGreevey resigned after appointing his boy toy - an Israeli national - to the state's top Homeland Security position. Let's forget for a minute that McGreevey resigned after the elections so he could assure that a fellow Democrat could take his place. Let's forget that while his beautiful wife was giving birth to their child, McGreevey was making love to another man. What gets me is that when the scandal first surfaced, McGreevey made it appear that he was resigning because of his sexuality - not because he was embroiled in a patronage scandal. At the time, Smerconish called him on it, and (deservedly) blasted him. Now, he is not only promoting McGreevey's book, but is probably paying McGreevey for the Book Club appearance!

The radio ads for the event include a holier-than-thou Smerconish voice over proclaiming that he doesn't discriminate in either his reading choices, or those of his Book Club. As if to imply that if we don't shell out money for his lousy event, we must hate homosexuals. What an arrogant ass.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

In Case You Missed It . . .

Tonight was the much-anticipated season premiere of Smallville. Kristin Kreuk is reason enough to watch.

Filthy Half-Truths

Well, it's been a few days of hot Love Fest action between myself and Captain Den, but I think it's time to truly welcome him into the fold with another edition of Filthy Half-Truths. Enjoy.

Filthy Half-Truths About Captain Den

* Den has a schoolgirl crush on Rush Limbaugh.

* Although he is a "firefighter," Den is so scared of flames that he has his wife light the barbecue.

* Den voted for Hillary Clinton for Senator, and plans to vote for her for President.

* The '73 Firebird that sits on Den's front lawn is not "redneck" - it's "Classic American Workmanship."

* Den shares a kinship with Pandy. Not because they were both in the army, but because Den likes to wear makeup.

* A former tanker, Den used to get his kicks by running over cats with the treads.

* Den doesn't let his kids watch Sesame Street because the show is "just a bunch of tree-hugging, liberal, commie crap!"

* With the arrival of his children, Den had to sell his motorcycle. Since then, he refers to his kids as Harley and David.

* Den believes Own Wilson is the greatest actor of our generation.

* After a family member called Den's G.I. Joe collection "dolls," Den beat the man to death with a Mobile Command Post.

The Jerkass Of The Week

Just when you thought it was safe to turn on MSNBC.

Former Chairman of the Democratic National Committee Terry McAuliffe – you remember him, he’s the one who was in charge when the Dems lost power – was on MSNBC Tuesday night and (among other things) ranted about The Vast Fox News Conspiracy. First up: the despicable ambush on President Clinton by Chris Wallace:

"I know Chris Wallace. I have appeared on the Fox Sunday show many times with Chris Wallace. Let me be crystal clear. Roger Ailes pays his paycheck. He is a tool for the Republican Party, and that's fine. I still go on his show, I still like Chris, but he is what he is."

Oh, it gets better. Major metropolitan newspapers have been drawn into the conspiracy as well:

"I don't think they were caught up in paralyzing debates, nor did Bill Clinton, and that's why he reacted, because the Washington Post, and I disagree, sometimes (unintelligible) and they might be in with Fox News, too. But just because some reporter or journalist writes it doesn't mean it."

Eh, what? The Washington Post is "in" with Fox News as well? Maybe Terry should pull a Bill Clinton and not inhale.

Congratulations Terry McAuliffe, you’re SYLG’s Jerkass of the Week!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Suicide Is Painless

Football suicide pools? Not so much.

This week’s NFL games are despicable, and I’m looking for a winner. If there are any football fans out there, I’d appreciate any suggestions for my pick this week. Point spreads are not taken into consideration; I just need a winner that isn’t Arizona, Chicago, or Philly. Now, let’s get crackin’.

T.O. O.D.?

Oh, swell.

DALLAS (AP) -- Flamboyant Dallas Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens tried to kill himself by overdosing on pain medication, even putting two more pills into his mouth after a friend intervened, according to a police report obtained Wednesday.

Suicides and attempted suicides by the rich and famous have always puzzled me. One would think that these people "have it all," when many times the reality is that they are lonely, depressed, or both. That may be the case with Owens, and it may explain his selfish "look at me" antics.

While his publicist is denying that Owens tried to take his own life, the police report states that he told paramedics that he was trying to hurt himself. I'll take the word of a paramedic over some toad publicist any day.

The alleged attempted suicide is not even the saddest part of this story. The saddest part of this story is that hundreds of "great football fans" in the Philadelphia area will be cheering this "good news." To them, T.O. is the enemy, and a lot of Eagles fans have probably wished him dead the second he left town for Dallas.

To them I say: Get over it. It's just football, and like him or not Terrell Owens is a human being.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

The Muppet Matrix

I dare you to watch this video without peeing your pants in laughter! Check out the three Muppets playing the agents!



HUGE Hat Tip to Tyler D. for the embed help!

What's All The Hub-Bubba?

The Democrats are still reeling from Chris Wallace's unprovoked interview attack on the sainted Bill Clinton. "How dare that Karl Rove operative ask the greatest President of our time a serious, hard-hitting question?" Clinton was reportedly incensed at the attack, and allegedly screamed at his staff - his inner circle of advisors, not the other one - after the interview. The weekend's "unpleasantness" diverted the interview, and Wallace never asked Clinton any of the ten issues he truly wanted to address.

Top Ten Issues Bill Clinton Wanted To Discuss With Chris Wallace

10. That one time at band camp.
9. My dinner with Osama.
8. Why raising taxes builds strong bones.
7. The downside to being "The First Black President."
6. Mandatory drug testing for anyone who thinks Chelsea is hot.
5. Monica Lewinsky's XXL thong collection.
4. How he never got a walk-on in Black Hawk Down.
3. When Sandy Berger stole receipts from the supermarket.
2. Paula Jones' pet name - "Pinocchio."

And the number one issue Bill Clinton wanted to discuss with Chris Wallace is . . .

1. Whom I was thinking about when plowing Hillary.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Let Me Stand Next To Your Fire

Strike up another member to my legion of the blogging undead.

My neighbor Denny, a Philadelphia Fire Department Captain has started First In, a blog from the other side of the public service coin - the one that the public doesn't hate. Not one to mince words, Denny started off with a rant about the 9/11 conspiracy theories that would put PIH to shame. Denny's views are just to the right of Karl Rove's, so he should fit right in with you guys.

Stop by and welcome him to the party - I told him that you guys would shoot his site meter through the roof. Don't make me out to be a liar.

Teh Funny

Still laughing from this retro Nike Hockey commercial my friend Ant found at YouTube.

"You Can't Handle The Truth!"

Wow, that was more difficult than I imagined. Your answers are up, and for the most part, they make sense. Whether or not they are entertaining is a decision I will leave up to you. If you gave me a movie question, I tried to connect the corresponding answer. A few of them went over my head, though. Enjoy!

Fmragtops asks, “Do you know what "nemesis" means?

Fmragtops, “A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible cunt . . . me.” (Snatch)

Pandy asks, “What is the most effective way for me to deal with my husband's insubordination? He refuses to do anything I nag about... er... ask him nicely to do! I need something that isn't going to leave marks that are visible when he's in uniform.”

Pandy, “Vhy don't you admit it? He's too much of man for you. I know. You're going to need an army to beat him! You're finished. Fertig! Verfallen! Verlumpt! Verblunget! Verkackt!” (Blazing Saddles)

John D. asks, “How do you establish intent to commit rape?

John D, “When a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher's knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross!” (Dirty Harry)
Bobby asks, “How bout them Yankees?

Bobby, “It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there!” (Dodge Ball: A True Underdog Story)

Michael Hodges asks, “Do you think the Eagles won't suck (or suck less) this year?” And, “Does Philly allow you to choose your side-arm, or are you restricted to the 17 issue?” And, finally, “Who is Luke’s mother?

Michael, 1. “You said it! They stink on ice!” (History of the World, Part 1) 2. “That's a good gun. Just touch the trigger, the beam comes on and you put the red dot where you want the bullet to go. You can't miss.” (The Terminator) 3. “Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.” (Clerks)

Tyler D. asks, “Why did the empire design a moon-sized space station that had one flaw that everyone knew about?” He then asks, “What is the capital of Assyria?

Tyler, 1. “There’s something wrong with his medulla oblongata.” (The Waterboy) 2. “I don’t know that. Auuuuuggggghhhhh!” (Monty Python and The Holy Grail)

Vinnie Antonelli asks, “Why won't Erin Gray OR Emma Laaksonen return my calls?

Vinnie, “Where did you ever get that awful hairdo? It doesn't become you at all. Here, for goodness' sake, let me fix it up. Look how stringy and messy it is. What a shame. Such an interesting monster, too. My stars, if an interesting monster can't have an interesting hairdo, then I don't know what things are coming to.” (Bugs Bunny)

Insolublog asks, “What long term effect will Katie Couric have on the CBS evening news?

Insol, “Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria!” (Ghostbusters)

Anne Elizabeth asks, “I won't think about that now. Tomorrow, tomorrow is another day! Hint: Vivien Leigh said it, but in which movie?

Anne, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” (Gone With the Wind)

The Man asks, “Kearse out for the year? Who takes his place?

The Man, “Willie Mays Hayes. We don't know where Hayes played last year, but I'm sure he did a hell of a job.” (Major League)

Pinhead asks, “Why does Hillary Clinton's face look like that?

Pinhead, “That ain't no woman! It's a man, man!” (Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery)

Dragon Lady asks, “What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

DL, “What do you mean? An African or European swallow?” (Monty Python and The Holy Grail)

Little Miss Chatterbox asks, “What happens when you put me and a dictator in the same room?

LMC, “It’s gonna be a huge shit sandwich, and we’re all gonna have to take a bite.” (Full Metal Jacket)

Molly asks, "How can you get your kids to eat their veggies without resorting to screaming and yelling?"

Molly, "There's nothing like a good piece of hickory." (Pale Rider)

Tyler D. (who won't stop asking questions) asks, "Will the beatings continue until morale improves?"

Ty, "Morale is crucial right now. Keep the men in the secured areas. You'll see how they forget about these 'Wolverines.'" (Red Dawn)

GroovyVic asks, "Hey man, you got a joint?"

GroovyVic, "I thought I told you not to be dealing in front of the store." (Clerks)

Jack asks, "What was your best arrest? Use whatever definition of 'best' that you choose."

Jack, "All right, I'm standing on the street corner, and Mrs. Grey there comes up and propositions me. She says if I come home with her, for $5 she'll put on an exhibition with a Shetland pony . . . " (The Enforcer)

JimmyB asks, "How many questions does Fox News have to ask Bill Clinton before his head explodes?"

JimmyB, "Well, I'll give him another twenty minutes; but that's it!" (Airplane!)

RT asks, "Why do hockey players wear garter belts and stockings, yet no one calls them "funny" names?"

RT, "Here's a name for you nostalgia fans: Clarence "Screaming Buffalo" Swamptown. I'll never forget an exclusive interview in which Swamptown revealed that he calls his hockey stick the 'Big Tomahawk,' and he usually refers to the opposing players as 'the little scalps'." (Slap Shot)

SHE'S BACK!!!

Seriously, this time!

Uber is back to posting on a regular basis; and the peasants rejoice! On Saturday she blogged about Mahmoud Ahmad, er, "President Tom" of Iran . . . and sex!!! (But not together, as that would be disturbing.)

Please do me a favor and stop by to welcome her back. (Read: Let's overload her Site Meter today.) Thank you.

License To Ilya

The key to Team Wyatt's FHL Championship hopes.

The FHL is the grand-daddy of all fantasy leagues. With all due respect to everyone else, once the FHL begins, the rest of the leagues take a back seat. Way back. Of the eleven teams in the league, I have been good friends with nine owners since college. (Badger, Vinnie, Deathlok, Louie the Lock, Grimjack, Badger and Deathlok's brother Sean, Other Kev, and Fish are all GM's. Ant, from Canada, is the newest member.) On Saturday night, we gathered at Vinnie's for the 2006-07 draft.

After the ritual fat jokes at my expense, we picked names from a hat to determine draft order. My fabulous brother-in-law picked the names, and stuck me with 10th . . . of 11. Swell. The draft uses inverse order, so we go from one to ten, then ten to one for the length of the rounds. Surprisingly, at the end of the evening, my team didn't suck ass. And since I have bored everyone except RT to death, here's my 2006-07 team:

Forwards

Ilya Kovalchuk (ATL)
Jonathan Cheechoo (SJ)
Ladislav Nagy (PHX)
Vaclav Prospal (TBY)
Slava Kozlov (ATL)
Jason Arnott (NSH)

Defensemen

Joni Pitkanen (PHI)
Zdeno Chara (BOS)
Kimmo Timonen (NSH)
Sami Salo (VAN)

Goaltenders

Mikka Kiprusoff (CGY)
Hannu Toivonen (BOS)

The perfect all-American team. Heh.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Soccer It To Me

Can I brag for a second here? Today was my son’s first soccer game. He is one of two five-year olds playing on a 3, 4, and 5-year old team. Kyle’s green team was playing the blue team, and when the blue team’s five-year old girl started running circles around Kyle’s team, I started to get a little worried. This chick reminded me of one of those East German “women” you would see in the Cold War-era Olympics. One would think that’s a brutal thing to say about a five-year old, but it’s not like you guys don’t know I’m a jerk, right?

A few minutes into the game, Dracta lost some of her steam, and after dribbling the ball into Kyle’s end of the field, Kyle stepped up, stole the ball and went on a breakaway. He quickly ran towards the opposing goal and scored! The missus and I started to worry, though, because after watching so many World Cup games, we were afraid Kyle would run the length of the field with his shirt off. He did run the field, but, thankfully, he stayed clothed.

A few minutes later, Kyle stole another ball, dribbled it to the opposite end of the field, shot, and scored. He ran over and hugged his friend Jake, and the two joyously ran the length of the field. Could it get any better?

Yup.

After the half - a short water break - Kyle stole yet another ball, took it the length of the field, and fired it toward Dracta (who they now put in goal). She stoned the shot, but Kyle scooped up the rebound and scored again for the hat trick!

About this time, the missus and I are hiding our faces with paperback books, since everyone MUST think Kyle's a ball hog. He isn't, and likes to "share" (read: pass) the ball, but he took his opportunities and made the most of them. Luckily, the coach decided Kyle could play goaltender for the rest of the game. All, in all, it was a pretty good performance from the boy.

Final score : Kyle - 3, Blue team - 0.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

I'm No Art Critic . . .

"Deadly Approach in Tombstone"

. . . but I know what I hate. And I don't hate this. Unlike the kids, I brought back little from our trip to Arizona: a University of Arizona football jersey and this print I purchased in Tombstone. It's entitled, "Deadly Approach in Tombstone" by D. Wyatt Taylor, and shows Doc Holliday, Morgan, Wyatt, and Virgil Earp walking to the O.K. Corral. The print is a limited edition, and is signed by the author. Had to have it.

Today, the good folks at Deck the Walls finished its framing, and it is now securely fastened to my wall - surrounded by armed guards.

Now I can focus upon what is really important - my fantasy hockey draft. Keep your fingers crossed that I get a better team than Vinnie, Badger, Fish, Louie the Lock, Other Kev, Sean, Ant, Rob, Grimjack, and Deathlok.

Robbing More Than The Cradle

My good friend Bill has finally joined the ranks of Philadelphia crime victims!

You see, Bill is a highly-trained bank executive: the only one of my friends from college that is making a decent living. As such, sometimes he has to visit other banks for meetings about, oh, why the pens are chained to the tables and so forth. Today was one of those days, and as dumb luck would have it, he visited one in my division.

As Bill was sitting in the conference room, a fine, upstanding citizen entered the bank, jumped up on the teller counter, pulled out a pistol, and said, "You know what this is!" Unfortunately for the citizens of Philadelphia, they did: it was a robbery.

The teller must not have been acting fast enough, because the toad decided to fire off a round into the ceiling. Classic film move, but usually one that is frowned upon in real life. Bill heard the "pop" and then the commotion outside the meeting. Being a highly-trained FOW (friend of Wyatt) he burst through the door and shot the suspect between the eyes with his Desert Eagle.

Nah, I'm yankin' ya; he cowered under the desk like a prepubescent little girl. He did, however, attempt to call 911 before the suspect fled the building. Luckily, there were no injuries, and my co-workers arrived on the scene in record time . . . before being shooed away by the all-important FBI.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Q&A (Movie Edition)

It’s that time again. Everyone’s favorite question answer-erbehind Basil, Fmragtops, and Carnac the Magnificent - is open for business. This time, however, the Q&A will contain a twist:

Every answer will be a direct quote from a motion picture.

I'm a movie nerd, so I think this may be possible. (Otherwise, I'll look like an ass . . . again.) So, send me your questions - they don't have to be about movies - in the comments section, and I'll have your answers on Monday.

God, I hope this works.

People I Hate

This week's edition is a no-brainer.

The United States Government

Glenn Beck mentioned this yesterday, but I don't think he went far enough. This week, the United Nations hosted the most wretched group of scum and villainy this side of Mos Eisley. Both Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Hugo Chavez were in New York City, and both continued their nonsense. Ahmadinejad continued his threats against America and Israel, while Chavez entertained everyone with his David Puddy impersonation. Meanwhile, the United States government sat on its proverbial thumbs instead of executing one of two alternatives:

1. Assault the U.N. and place both Ahmadinejad and Chavez into custody.

2. Bomb the United Nations building with both dictators inside.

Personally, I prefer option number two, but that's just me. Look, both of these imbeciles have threatened this country and threatened their neighbors. Iran has sworn to wipe Israel off the face of the earth. Now, we have these a-holes in our country, and the administration does nothing! Why, because of diplomatic immunity? That didn't work in Lethal Weapon 2, and it shouldn't work here. The Bush Administration blew a major opportunity here. Dopes.

The Pakistani Government

Why are we working with these jerkasses? Pakistan - the home of Babu Bhatt - claimed that after 9-11, the Bush Administration threatened to "bomb them back to the Stone Age" if they did not cooperate with the war on terror. I have two comments here:

1. So what? Cooperate or die, that's my motto.

2. Bombing Pakistan back to the Stone Age is not all that great a threat. Don't they play soccer with a goat's head?

My Former Hockey Teammates

I know, I ranted about this already, but as of right now, me, Vinnie, Badger, and Fish still do not have a team. According to Vinnie, "the wheels are in motion," but time is running out . . . fast. I hope those traitorous sons of bitches all tear their ACLs at the same time.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Sleep Comes Down

The last day and a half was an exhausting nightmare. After a fairly blissful day off, we picked up Kyle from school, came home, and rushed right out to soccer practice. There, his team scrimmaged another squad, and after scoring a goal and almost assisting on another, Kyle’s team won 2-1. Unfortunately, I had little time for celebration because Wednesday night means Quizzo and Guinness. Mmm . . . Guinness: Peakah’s nectar of the gods.

After breaking the sound barrier to get to Manny Brown’s on time, I threw open the doors to find . . . no one. No Badger. No Vinnie. No Sean. Swell. I found out later that Badger overslept (who thinks a 36-year old single guy needs a nap?), Sean was at the Phillies game, and Vinnie was putting his kids to bed. Any hoo, everyone showed up eventually, and we won first place for the third consecutive week – thanks in part to Badger’s knowledge of soap operas and Michael Jackson.

A few pints – and a delicious shot of grape vodka later – I came home, jumped into bed, and slept a not-so-refreshing four hours. Court comes early in Philly, and I was on the road by seven-thirty. Subpoenaed for two cases, I prayed to Jeebus that the ADA would make deals. I was much too tired to testify in any useful way. The ADA in my first case withdrew prosecution, much to my pleasure, since the case was flimsy at best. The ADA in the second case told me he needed me to testify. Fabulous.

A simple theft case turned into the Lindbergh kidnapping in moments, and the next thing I knew, it was pushing noon. I had to report for work at 3pm. The defendant in the second case was found not guilty, and I sped home to catch a lousy one hour power nap. After briefly debating whether I should post before work, I put my eyelids before your enjoyment. Sue me.

Cripes, I must be so tired that I am hallucinating. I thought I heard Hugo Chavez call President Bush “The Devil.”

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Will Skate For Food

Well, we had our first team practice at the Skate Zone on Sunday night. It was a great turnout, with everyone on the roster playing except "Crash" - er, Fish. We had ice time for ninety minutes, and split our team in half (eight players a side) for a scrimmage. Vinnie, Badger, and I were on the same side, and Badger came out of goalie retirement for the game. (His knees? Not so good.)

The scrimmage was good for the first five minutes until I hit the ice. I played right wing, and after two sprints the length of the rink - chasing the puck - I was ready for the ICU. I'm not in shape, and the season is less than two weeks away. Despite my despicable condition, I actually managed to score two - absolutely garbage - goals against our starting goaltender. After practice, we hit the local bar and downed Guinness until closing. Life was keen.

And then, Monday came.

Vinnie, who is the team captain and manager, sent me a text message saying that one of our players quit, and took the rest of the team to another rink. That left me, Vinnie, Badger, and Fish without a team - only two weeks from the start of the season. Vinnie already signed us up at Skate Zone, and we already played the first of our free practices. Ice time isn't cheap, and when Skate Zone hears that our team has to fold, who do you think they'll come after for the green?

The turncoat rat bastard - a toad named Rich - claimed that the other rink was cheaper and closer to their homes. The price issue is false - Skate Zone is cheaper - and since last season was our first at SZ, they shouldn't bitch. During the previous ten years, we played at the other rink, which is much further from my, Badger, and Vinnie's homes - and we never complained.

I think the part that really has my panties in a bunch is that the guys who left wanted to join our team when many of their players did the same thing to them. We gladly took them in, because we always thought, "the more, the merrier." Now, they stole enough guys to form their own team, and figured, "Screw these guys, we're going home." In fairness, they sent us an e-mail invite, but after their shenanigans, who in their right mind would play with them again?

In my humble opinion, I think those scumbags finally mustered enough players to start their own team, and since they didn't need us anymore, figured they'd drop us like broccoli out of Rosie O'Donnell's mouth. Friggin' a-holes.

And now, the four of us probably won't be playing anymore.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

1,000th Post

Well, after everyone's post ideas have been given careful consideration, I have finally made my decision. I will compromise. What, you thought I could actually make a decision? Silly humans.

Top Ten Reasons The U.S. Is The Best Country Ever

10. Country music star Sara Evans.

9. Nikki Cox.

8. Pitcher Jennie Finch.

7. Jessica Simpson.

6. NFL Cheerleaders.

5. BSG's Grace Park.

4. Wrestling's Stacy Keibler.

3. Tyra Banks.

2. Olympic Curling.

And the number one reason the U.S. is the best country ever is . . .

1. Dana Delaney.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Me And Toad's Wild Ride

An actual phone conversation I received at the detective division today:

Me: "Hello, may I help you?"
Toad: "Yeah, I wanna know how to press charges."

Me: "Okay. What kind of incident were you involved in?" (Poor grammar, I know.)
Toad: "I was in a fight with some dyke."

Me: "Um, okay. What exactly happened?"
Toad: "This lesbo kept making noise out on da street. I's gots to get up in the morning for work, so I went out there and told her I was gonna kick her ass."

Me: "Then what happened?"
Toad:
"I jumped on that dyke and started punching the hell outta her."

Me: "So, you assaulted this woman?"
Toad: "No, I was defendin' myself!"

Me: "How's that?"
Toad: "You know how those dykes are, they are always making trouble, keeping everyone up all night, and doing drugs."

Me: (Heavy sarcasm) "Oh sure, ma'am. I hear that every lesbian is exactly that way."
Toad: "Yeah, so I kicked her ass, but then she punched me. That's assault! I wanna press charges on da bitch!"

Me: "Okay, ma'am. I can help you with that. What's your name and address, so I can issue my warrant?"
Toad: "What do ya mean?"

Me: "Well, you just admitted you threatened and assaulted a woman. When I get the warrant for her, I'll have to get one for you, too."
Toad: "No, you don't understand. She's a dyke. She has to get locked up."

Me: "I think I do understand, ma'am, and I think you'll make terrific cellmates. Now what's your name and address?"
Toad: "F**king cop. F**k you!" (Hangs up.)

God, I love stupid, ignorant people.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Power To The Papal

Muslims around the world have been offended by remarks made recently by Pope Benedict XVI. The Pope quoted a 14th-century text, which characterized Muhammad’s teachings as “evil and inhuman.” Big deal. Muslims are offended by anything and everything. Hell, they started murderous riots over a friggin’ cartoon!

Immediately, Middle Eastern Muslims acted to disprove the “evil and inhuman” moniker by:

Burning an effigy of Pope Benedict XVI.

Stating that Pope Benedict “is going down in history in the same category as leaders such as Hitler and Mussolini.”

Claiming “The pope and Vatican proved to be Zionists.”


The biggest laugh track came courtesy of Salih Kapusuz, a member of the Turkish government, who stated, “It looks like an effort to revive the mentality of the Crusades.” Physician, heal thyself. Muslim extremists are about five centuries behind the Crusades. Maybe some of these Muslim “leaders” should open their eyes and take a look at the people who are representing their religion by decapitating nonbelievers, flying airplanes into buildings, and murdering innocent women and children. But that’s just me.

The Muslims are offended? Who the hell cares?

Saturday, September 16, 2006

"Fighting" Embarrassment

Hey, does anyone know how the Michigan-Notre Dame game turned out?

WHOO HOO!!! WHOO HOO!!! YES, YES, YES!!! IN YOUR FACE, YOU DRUNKEN LEPRECHAUNS!!!

Michigan 47, Notre Dame 21.

"Bribe" Is An Ugly Word

I prefer "friendly gift."

Since it is almost hockey season (see below post) and I really want new uniforms, I figured I'd butter Vinnie up with a picture of his favorite hockey player, Sweden's Emma Laaksonen.

Get me a new jersey, and there's more where that came from, Vin!

Ice To See You

Fish - pre-accident - after a game last season.

Vinnie Antonelli sent out an e-mail a few weeks ago reminding us that ice hockey season was just around the corner. And yes, despite our ever-advancing age – and my ever-advancing weight – we signed up for the Flyers Skate Zone men’s league. Last season was disappointing. We made the playoffs, but were eliminated in the first round. Personally, I played like poop, but I am always up for a chance to get seriously injured.

Our first practice is slated for Sunday night at 8:30pm. The first post about my terrible play is slated for Monday afternoon at about 4:00pm.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Bush Whacked

By now you must have heard that some jerkass producer has created film that depicts the assassination of President Bush. The film is creating its own little swirl of controversy, but realistically, who is going to pay money to see this? Personally, I wouldn’t, and I can think of at least ten topics more deserving to see the light of the silver screen.

Top Ten More Entertaining Film Ideas Than Bush’s Assassination

10. French military victories (obviously a short film).
9. Fmragtops: The Movie!
8. John Kerry's true war stories.
7. Two hours of RT's limericks.
6. Rosie O’Donnell eats herself to death.
5. Sex With GOP And The City.
4. Bill Clinton “polling the electorate.”
3. A Day With Paris Hilton: In 3D!!!
2. Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot.

And the number one more entertaining film idea than Bush's assassination is . . .

1. Helen Thomas getting a high colonic.

People I Hate

Rosie O’Donnell

Rosie O’Donnell is living proof that just because you have a gigantic head, it doesn’t mean that you have a gigantic brain. In O’Donnell’s case, her enormous skull is obviously filled with Ring Dings and Boston cream pies. And now that she is spreading her special – that’s “special” as in “Special Olympics” sense – brand of wisdom on America’s favorite yenta-fest, The View, this walking candy apple is stuck on stupid.

O’Donnell’s first appearance on The View was during 9-11, which was ironic that two great tragedies would occur in the same day. While the other three hens were clucking away about the terror attacks, Rosie chimed in with this little tidbit:

“Radical Christianity is just as threatening as radical Islam.”

Eh, what? Radical Christianity’s darkest hours were during the Crusades - approximately one thousand years ago. Maybe I missed it, but I don’t remember nineteen nuns hijacking planes with a sharpened crucifix. Perhaps I skipped over the part in The Bible where Jesus said, “Kill everyone who does not believe in me.” But then again, I was never the best student.

Rosie, I know you’re tired and sleepy from all of those ten course meals, but somebody better wake you up right quick. Radical Islam wants you dead – a feeling with which I can sympathize. Radical Christianity just doesn’t want you to marry your longtime companion. Idiot.

Politicians

I know this is a general, all-encompassing subject, but there were too many specific people to name here. For the last week or so, all I heard was that former President Clinton was bitching and moaning that the ABC special “The Path to 9-11” was full of inaccuracies and lies. The fact that the program painted him and his administration in a bad light was surely the cause of the discomfort, but why the hell would he care? For that matter, why would Republicans give a rat’s arse about the alleged inaccuracies in the Ronald Reagan program that aired last year?

“Oh, no, a television writer painted us in a bad light! Whatever will we do?”

Who the hell cares? If there are inaccuracies in the program, don’t watch it. If there aren’t, then deal with your incompetence, and leave the rest of us alone. The Philadelphia television and print media reports inaccurate and unfavorable stories about the police all the time. My solution? At 6pm I watch “Seinfeld.” I don’t threaten the station and I don’t blast the advertisers. Clinton and Reagan fans should follow my lead.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Taking A Stab At Punting

Cripes, and I thought I was competitive.

Northern Colorado University punter Rafael Mendoza (left, doing his Rockettes impersonation) lost his starting job on Monday night. No, it wasn't because of a bad performance; it was because his backup pulled a Tonya Harding.

Mitch Cozad, the uber-competitor, allegedly stabbed Mendoza in the right thigh outside his apartment complex. Cozad was later arrested and charged in the assault. Mendoza was treated and released. He will miss this week's game against Texas State, and possibly a few more.

Cozad was contacted by SYLG last night and stated the following, "Look, I had to do something. Everyone knows that Latino kickers always get the starting jobs. It's discrimination, I tells ya!"

Mendoza could not be reached for a fake comment.

1,000 Posts Under The Sea

When I logged on to Blogger, I noticed that I have posted 990 times since SYLG's inception (June 6, 2005). Thus, I am only ten away from 1,000 . . . which is terrific, since I am in the middle of a creative slump.

I am now taking requests for Post #1,000. Submit your desires in the comment section - ladies, you can submit your desires to my personal e-mail address - and the most interesting idea will emerge victorious.

Yeah, I'm a lazy blogger, but you all knew that.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

The Running (Wo)Man

"It's time to start running!" - Richard Dawson, The Running Man

Pandy from What Panda? has decided to throw her cover - that's military for "hat" - into the political arena, with her announcement to run for President in 2012. It will be the first election year that the youngling will be eligible to become POTUS. She makes her case eloquently - well, as eloquent as she can be - and even publicizes some of her core platforms at her place.

Being a close personal blog-friend, I intend to throw my support and votes - in Philly, even the dead can vote three times in the same election - her way. Perhaps she can appoint me her Secret Service liaison. Protection for a former member of the 101st Airborbne: not that would be a cush job!

Stop by, show her some support, and feel free to give her a campaign slogan or two . . .

Previously On 24 . . .

My five-year old son Kyle is currently attending his first day of full day kindergarten. My wife wept. My two-year old son screamed and cried. Kyle? He pretty much ignored us and happily walked into school with his new friends.

My name is Wyatt Earp, and today is the worst day of my life.

How the hell did this happen? It seems like only yesterday we were worried about him being a preemie. When we brought him home, he was hooked up to a heart monitor because of his size. And now, he is spending his entire day in school. A place - if my memory serves me right - that is rife with bullies, pressure, and heartache.

I can't help thinking that I'm not that great a father, because I am full of questions like this:

Did I play with him enough when he was home?

Did I give him enough attention?

Did we prepare him for life at school?

Unfortunately, I keep thinking that the answers to all of these questions is "no." He's been gone an hour, and it seems like a month. I miss him terribly.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Is This Thing On?

The following is a random picture test of the Emergency SYLG System. This is only a test . . .

Yup, the modem works.

Interesting side note. Janette (an Eagles cheerleader) is the sister of one of the guys on my lacrosse team. True story. Sometimes coaching is very rewarding.

If Ya Can't Beat 'Em, Modem!

Well, Verizon finally came through. The problem with my DSL was a lousy, suckass modem that Verizon replaced post haste. I just hooked it up, and am surfing like a champ. Thus, I will be able to visit everyone's blog for the first time in a week. Unfortunately, the stress wreaked havoc with my ability to post funny crap, so give me a day or so to recover.

That is all.

The Accidental Tourist

Yesterday was a delightful day in my nuclear (pronounced nuke-you-lar) family. A split second here and there, and my wife and my brother-in-law's wife would be widows today. (I can hear the nation's rejoice from here.) Here's what transpired.

At about 3pm, I was driving home from work when I approached the intersection of Oxford and Central Avenues in the city's Fox Chase section. The turn is a blind one in a "Y" shaped intersection. The light turned green, and I proceeded through the - seemingly - empty intersection. At the last second I saw a Philadelphia trash truck hurtling towards my puny Saturn coupe. I immediately thought, "This is the end, and I never saw Uber in a bikini. Damn." There was nowhere to go, except forward into the front window of the Popeye's. "We do good Ba-you . . . until an out-of-control Saturn killed the chef!" The truck had to be doing at least 45 mph, and it was set to t-bone me on the driver's side. I panicked, braced for impact, and listened for the crunch.

Instead, the jerkass behind the wheel slammed on the brakes, and the truck skidded to a stop about three feet from my window. When I noticed the pee running down my pants leg, I yelled, "F**king a**hole!" at the idiot, and thought about showing him my badge and gun. Unfortunately, I was shaking like a leaf and holding back nervous tears. I pulled over to the side, kept shaking, and the concerned city employee drove away.

At about 6pm, my brother-in-law Fish was driving home from work in New Joisy. He was stopped at the intersection of Levick Street and Roosevelt Boulevard. His Saturn - which he bought from my wife less than a year ago - pulled into the intersection when the light turned green, and was plowed into by an older woman who blew the steady red. It appears that both cars were totaled, and Fish was creamed into his driver's side door. According to witnesses and the officers on the scene, the woman (we'll call her "Mrs. God help her if she ever comes to my Detective Division") was easily doing 65 mph.

Fish - for some strange reason - refused rescue and would not go to the hospital. Give him a break; he went to Penn State. I guarantee, however, that's he's a hurtin' puppy today.

For the rest of the day, I couldn't help but laugh at the irony of both of us being killed on 9/11.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Guaranteed To Offend Everyone

(Editor's Note: I purposely waited until late tonight to post because I didn't want to interfere with the solemn 9-11 posts covering the blogosphere. Well, that, and the fact that I figured I'd make a lot of enemies today, so I might as well wait until most of you are getting ready for bed. You've been warned.)

After five years of careful consideration, I have come to a conclusion about this date in history:

Can we stop with the 9-11 already? The hypocrisy is eating at my stomach liner.

Look, the terror attacks were a disgraceful, disgusting event the likes of which this country has never known. I get it. Like most Americans, I was at first sickened, then angered by the actions of 20 representatives of "The Religion of Peace." Unlike most Americans, I am still angry.

Very angry.

I am still of the opinion that every Muslim extremist should be hunted down and killed like dogs - of course, these toads are about three evolutionary steps away from canine status, but I digress. When the libtards and the "moderates" were ripping Bush for acting too hastily and too aggressively, I was shouting, "He's not aggressive enough!" in my basement bunker. I wanted to invade Iraq and Afghanistan. I want to invade Iran, Syria, Lebanon, Egypt, North Korea, and France until the job is done. If it were up to me, the Middle East would now be the largest empty parking lot on God's green earth. But that's just me.

But if you think I have reserved all of my anger for our scumbag Muslim friends, you are gravely mistaken. Many folks in America have a place at my table of bile. Hell, Jay Rockefeller can sit at the head of it, after he just stated that the world would be better off if Saddam Hussein were still in power. He didn't say that in 2001. He said that yesterday!

Ya know, I tried to avoid the television all day (except for football, of course) because I couldn't stand all the hypocrisy. Everyone in the press, politics, and on television wants to give remembrance and observe the solemn occasion. Why? You all are just gonna go about your lives as if nothing happened tomorrow! These same people who are putting out their flags and calling the talk shows weeping about the tragedy are the ones who will cry that the Patriot Act violates their civil rights, and airport screeners shouldn't pick out young Muslim males! It's like those dirtballs who engage in the Christmas spirit during a few days in December, then go out and stab their girlfriends by New Year's Eve. Give me a break!

If America is going to go hog wild with 9-11 stories just because it's the fifth anniversary of the attacks, then don't bother at all. If America is going to go after terrorists around the world, but only do it with concern to their civil rights, then don't do that, either. What's the point of doing a necessary job if you only do it half-assed.

And if I haven't offended enough people today, I'll leave you with this:

The victims in the WTC and the Pentagon were not heroes. They were victims. There's a difference.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Sports Shorts

Saturday was the greatest day of sports in recent history. To wit:

Na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye! Tony Stewart finished 18th in last night’s NASCAR race at Richmond International Speedway. The pathetic showing eliminated Fat Bastard from the Chase for the Championship. Better luck next year, jerkass!

Who to root for? Notre Dame swabbed the deck with Penn State in a battle of my two least favorite college football teams. The only downside to the Nittany Lions’ defeat is that Michigan has to face the red hot Irish next week.

Here’s proof that being a fabulous babe does not necessary guarantee talent. Did anyone hear clips of Indy Car driver Danica Patrick singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” at the Cubs game this week? I wasn’t sure if she was singing or being stretched on a medieval rack.

Oh, and speaking of fabulous babes, the luscious Maria Sharapova won the U.S. Open. (Insert gratuitous Maria photo here.)

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Enter Bruce Banner

“Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”Bruce Banner

If you are reading this post, then my DSL is already dead, and I'm posting via dial-up.

That’s right folks, in less than two weeks my fabulous Verizon DSL has kicked the proverbial bucket, and will not connect me to the internet. After two hours on the phone with “Tech Support” – there’s a contradiction in terms – the prognosis is, “Um, maybe it’s your phone line. We’ll send someone the check it out, and if you still cannot get back online by WEDNESDAY, call us back.”

My reactions were as follows:

If it was my phone line, then how the hell can I be talking to Tech Support?!!

If Verizon cannot fix this problem by Wednesday, then we are gonna have a problem.

What are they possibly gonna do for me when I call on Wednesday? Anything short of replacing my modem – which I believe is the root of this evil – is unacceptable.


I cannot switch my service provider yet again. The Man says I change e-mail addresses more then those spammers looking for money for their long lost relatives. It appears that I will have to suffer through this misery until next week. Until then, I (and SYLG) am at the mercy of Verizon.

Just Call Me Mayor Frank Quizo

The last time I went with my friends to play Quizo, we took a miserable sixth place. On Wednesday night, I sought my retribution. Badger, Vinnie, Sean, Sammy, English Steve (he was in from London) and I met at Manny Brown’s for the festivities. I told Sean that I spent the day studying useless information, but since I am already full of it – useless information, that is – we were ready to go.

The first round flew by and we dominated. The group was sure we had at least eight correct, so we took our one double down. The quiz master read off the scores, and we had a total of eight correct. One of the questions involved the actress who played Oda Mae in Ghost. Unfortunately, the jackass who wrote down the answers (read: me) misheard Sammy when he said “Ghost,” and mistakenly wrote “Dunst.” In all fairness, I had Kirsten Dunst on the brain. I usually do.

The rest of the evening was filled with insults from my “friends.” Every question followed a retort similar to, “It’s not DUNST!” At one point, Badger told the group that I needed to wear a “Dunst Cap.” Despite all of these shenanigans, we managed to take an 8-point lead into the final round, and eventually won the first place fifty dollar gift certificate. A money round followed (at five dollars a team), and we won that one, too – for a whopping fifteen dollars.

And now, a few highlights:

There were a few literature questions that I couldn’t answer, and Badger’s super hot librarian girlfriend was a no-show. Thanks, Jen!

Vinnie knew what war was the setting for The Red Badge of Courage (Civil War), but not the later question: Who was the author? (Stephen Crane.)

Sammy proved once again that he is the Kiss of Death when he couldn’t answer these questions: “What present-day country occupies the former Asia Minor (Turkey)?” and “Which country was formerly known as the “United Arab Republic” (Egypt). Sammy is originally from India. Way to know your surroundings, Sammy!

Sean had the line of the night when he said I was horrible at Golden Tee because my “fingers are too fat” to work the track ball. Nice.

Friday, September 08, 2006

People I Pity

Robert Casey, Jr.

Casey, the Pennsylvania Democratic candidate for U.S. Senator, is embroiled in a heated battle with controversial Republican incumbent Rick Santorum. Santorum, a pro-life, Bush-supporting, right winger has been in jeopardy of being unseated in almost every election. This year, especially, Santorum is considered very vulnerable.

And the DNC sends this panty waste after him.

After a year on the campaign trail, Casey’s personality and charisma (yawn) has catapulted him into the position of Most Boring Democrat since Al Gore. After a recent debate between the candidates, Casey’s only real position appears to be “I’m not Rick Santorum.” Santorum crucified Casey on the issues, primarily because Casey’s deer-in-the-headlights look made him look like a cyborg. Good luck, Bob. You’re gonna need it.

The San Francisco 49ers

The 49ers come in to Arizona to face the Cardinals this Sunday. This is the Cards’ home opener in a new sold out stadium with newly acquired Edgerrin James and Kurt Warner. I think Arizona easily wins this match up, and makes me 1-0 in my suicide pool.

The crew of Space Shuttle Atlantis

This week’s Atlantis mission is a go, even though NASA claims they have not solved the “problem” with the shuttle’s fuel cell. Well, at least the problem doesn’t concern a vital, unstable shuttle system. Considering NASA’s recent record, maybe they should postpone the mission until the fuel cell “problem” is fixed. But, that’s just me.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Nifty 50,000

So, I spent a few days thinking about what I'd write if and when I hit 50,000 visitors.

And as of this posting, I still have nothing. Oh yeah, that book deal is right around the corner. In the interim, let me just say this:

Most blogs out there are more well-written, funnier, more substantive, and less sarcastic than Support Your Local Gunfighter. The fact that you all come by here anyway to read my daily dose of Vitamin B-oring humbles me. Every time someone tells me they read the blog I get embarrassed. What do you say to that except, "Thank you?" And when that rare person tells me that they love the blog, my usual reply is simply, "The check is in the mail."

And yet, for every "regular" that reads the blog and drops a comment, I know there are others who just stop by now and then. Keep at it, SYLG kinda grows on you . . . like fungus. Either way, I appreciate all of the traffic. I mean, 50,000 visitors in fifteen months is rather intimidating. I hope I can continue to meet your rather low expectations. Thank you all.

P.S. - I would be remiss if I didn't mention the man who got me started on this blog kick. Tom Durso of Shallow Center recently hung up his keyboard after a three-year run. If it weren't for his patience and direction, SYLG wouldn't have 50,000 visitors in 50,000 years.

I Haven't Forgotten About Posting

The boys at Tucson's Reid Park Zoo last month.

But as I write this we're getting the kids together for a day at The Philadelphia Zoo - which, for my boys means about two hours, tops. I expect to post mightily today - and I need to think something appropriate for hitting the 50,000 mark - so stay tuned.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

A Serious Steve Irwin Post

Since LMC complained that I never have any posts of substance, I figured I'd slow things down a little. (For the record, I have done pretty damned well for myself posting pics of fabulous babes and ranting about idiots. I meant this ain't the McLaughlin Group - or The Mox Argon Group - here, but I digress.) Many people around the globe have been pontificating about the demise of Steve "The Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, and how he was pretty much responsible for his own death. "He knew the risks." "He took chances." "He brought it upon himself." All of this may be true, but I was thinking: is it true for other professions as well?

I am a Philadelphia Police Detective. As such, I accept certain risks that come with the job. As a police officer, when I hear gunshots, I am supposed to run towards the gunfire, where most sane people run away from it. I also know that every time I go to work, I may never come home. I accept it. My wife (grudgingly) accepts it. Life goes on.

To be honest, I never think about such things, because:

1. I'm gonna live forever.

2. I'm usually very careful.

3. Detectives almost never get shot.

My father was a Philly firefighter for 41 years. When I was in grade school, he sat my brother and I down and explained the risks of his job. He told us that if he ever died in the line of duty, we should know that he died doing what he loved to do. As a ten-year old, that really creeped me out, because I thought dads lived forever, but his talk really sunk in.

I expect I will tell the same thing to my sons, and, by extension, all of you. If I die in the line of duty, don't dare shed one tear. I signed up willingly. I know the risks. I am doing something that I love, which in this day and age is a rare thing. If I get killed out there protecting the (sometimes ungrateful) citizens of Philadelphia, I won't have one regret. I like to think that I have done some pretty good things for some pretty good people in the last twelve years.

Steve Irwin probably thought the same way. He was doing what he loved to do, and damn the risks. He would probably much rather people save their tears and celebrate his life, instead of blubbering over his demise.

That's just my $0.02.

I Don't Feel So Good

"It tastes like burning!"

SYLG is now only 84 visitors away from number 50,000. Cripes, I think I'm gonna throw up from all of the nervous tension. And, I just re-read one of my posts, which is sure to induce nausea. I wish I had some terrific 50,000th post for everyone, but as of now, I've got bupkis. Damnit.

Insensitivity Training

Well, it's time again to purchase our one-way tickets straight to hell. Luckily for me, it'll be a dry heat. What are ya gonna do? It's all in the name of funny. Sorry Mr. Irwin!

Top Ten More Likely Demises Than A Stingray Attack

10. Drowning in Rosie O'Donnell's fat rolls.
9. Looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant.
8. Strangulation by Slinky.
7. Throat slit by a former NFL running back.
6. Bagpipe explosion.
5. Blood loss from SYLG's biting sarcasm.
4. Donkey stampede.
3. Rubbed out by an Amish hitman.
2. Catching an STD from Helen Thomas.

And the number one more likely demise than a stingray attack is . . .

1. Being run over by a Corvette Stingray.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Pimp My Ride

About a year or so ago, I offered my blog testimonial services. For example, I offered my fellow bloggers a witty (read: sarcastic) quote praising their site, no matter how lame the blog happened to be. No offense, JimmyB. Most of them were sarcastic and/or borderline funny. For example, I think I pimped 45 Caliber Justice by saying “Tyler D. is wise beyond his years. Imagine how talented he will be when he grows pubes!.” Classy.

Any whoo, some of my fellow bloggers gave me a dose of my own medicine, and sent in quotes describing SYLG. The GunnNutt offered something to the effect of “SYLG: Crime fighting the old fashioned way: with a sidearm and a hockey stick.” Others were not so kind. GOP and the City shot back, “SYLG: An informative blog without the fluff of a Middie Back or Daily Kos.” I would love to offer more examples, but when I switched my comments from Blogger to Haloscan, all of the other quotes were deleted. Damn.

Thus, I am looking for a few more “words of praise” from my dear readers. Just submit them in the comments section – the funnier the better - and I’ll find some way of keenly placing them in the sidebar – along with a link to your blog. I’ll start you off:

“SYLG: Another racist cracker cop. What a shock.” – Anonymous

Shhh! Don't Tell Anyone!

Support Your Local Gunfighter is approaching 50,000 hits. How the hell did this happen? I am considering some type of award for the lucky visitor, but so far, I’m stumped. Here's what I have so far:

Top Ten Awards For Visitor #50,000

10. A two-night stay in scenic Philadelphia.
9. A one-night stay in scenic Philadelphia.
8. A week's worth of my pocket lint.
7. Season tickets to the WNBA.
6. A romantic dinner with Nancy Pelosi or Robert Byrd.
5. A no-expenses-paid trip to Mogadishu.
4. John Kerry Special: All the Swiss Cheesesteaks you can eat.
3. Admission to a comic book seminar hosted by Deathlok.
2. A lock of my back hair.

And the number one award for visitor #50,000 is . . .

1. A personalized answering machine message telling your callers to "Get Bent."

Monday, September 04, 2006

Belaboring The Day

Today is Labor Day; the day we celebrate the working man (and woman). And as a working man, I was able to celebrate the day . . . by mowing the lawn and going to work. Since I wasn’t able to relax, barbecue, and watch the Phillies blow yet another game, I figured I could salute some of America’s hardest workers.

Ralph “Bucky” Phillips

Phillips, an escapee of Erie County jail, is wanted for the murder of a New York State Trooper on June 10. Not content with just one homicide, “Bucky” is also wanted for questioning in the shooting of two other troopers. Now that’s what I call consistency. Naturally, he is considered armed and dangerous, which means if you see him on the street, be sure to run him down with your car.

The US Basketball Team

Kudos, gentleman! Your team chock full of alleged professionals breezed through the opening rounds of the World Basketball Tournament with thrilling blowout victories over Antarctica, Scotland, and Afghanistan. Unfortunately on Thursday, Greece was not the word, as the team of millionaires whose country invented the sport lost by a score of 101-95.

Philadelphia’s Prison Inmates

The inmates, who stopped raping, robbing and killing their fellow citizens long enough to make a call to the ACLU, have filed a lawsuit against the city. The lawsuit claims that the city’s overcrowded prison system contributes to their poor living conditions. The class action suit demands that prisoners be released if conditions do not improve. One of the plaintiffs is a model citizen named Darius McDowell, a 26-year old man who has been arrested 22 times, for everything from firearms offenses to aggravated assault. Yeah, that’s a guy I want back on the street. It appears that the prisoners forgot that they were in prison, and not the Radisson.

Congratulations everyone! SYLG salutes you!

What A Croc!

The Crocodile Hunter has died.

"CAIRNS, Australia - Steve Irwin, the hugely popular Australian television personality and conservationist known as the "Crocodile Hunter," was killed Monday by a stingray while filming off the Great Barrier Reef. He was 44."

It's a damned shame. Irwin's show was one of the most entertaining around, but to be honest, is anyone really surprised? The man risked his life on a daily basis. He will be sorely missed.

Peyton Place

Once in a while, Ol’ Wyatt gets lucky.

Oh, grow up! I meant in the four-leaf clover, horseshoe sense. A sergeant in my detective division is running an NFL “33” league, where each player gets an NFL team, and if that team scores 33 points, the player wins the pot that week. The cost is five dollars a week for sixteen weeks – the course of the season. Natch, I jumped in with both feet; thus emptying the pool.

The teams were chosen by random last night, and posted in the detective division. When I came in this afternoon, I checked out the list. If I got stuck with the Texans, I would have probably given in my season’s fees before the first game. I slowly made my way down the list, found my name, and read the team next to it:

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

I quickly turned to my co-workers, raised my arms in the air, and shouted, “Yes! Yes, yes, yes! I got the Colts!!!” The chances that a high-powered Peyton Manning offense will score 33 points are pretty damned good. Gimme my money now.

Life is good.

Stupid Questions (Detective Division Edition)

I wish I were making these up, but I don’t have that vivid an imagination.

An officer called the division on Friday night and said, “I got a guy here who tried to rob a complainant. Do we lock up people for attempted robbery?

This one happens all the time and I still laugh at it. A woman called last week and asked for the detective who was handling her case. When I told her he was on vacation, she replied, “Oh, then can I be connected to his voice mail?” I just laughed and laughed.

Similarly, we always get other police departments who want to send us information. The standard line is “What’s the detective’s e-mail address?” Um, it’s ain’t_got_one@yeah_right.com.

And finally, tonight a woman came to the window asking for her son. I replied, “He was arrested and is down in the cell room, ma’am.” The woman instantly replied, “Well, can I just go down and give him a hug?

A Quick Shout-Out

I haven’t pimped out my Massachusetts buddy in a while, but Insolublog has an unorthodox Q&A going on at his place. He is answering your questions as they come in, instead of all at once. Stop by and baffle him with your inquisitions.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

The Police Report Of The Week

An excerpt from an actual police report submitted on Friday, September 1, 2006:

“Above complainant states that she had a disturbance with her below husband because she bought a vibrator and did not want to have sex with him. Both complainants advised to seek marriage counseling.”

God, I love this job!

Dead Man Speaking

Hello, I’m Joe Paterno, and I’d like to ask you a question: Are you prepared to die? Are you so old that folks often mistake you for Methuselah? Did you actually go to high school with Jesus Christ? Is so, then you should be coming to the I. Plantem Funeral Home.
At I. Plantem, quality is job number one. Johnny, my caring sales representative asked me, “What do I have to do to put you in the ground today?” They hooked me up with a terrific package which guarantees I will be buried in my glasses and short pants under the turf at Beaver Stadium. How’s that for service? And, since I already look deceased, I received 20% off my order! Well, that’s just the cat’s pajamas!

As the head football coach at Penn State University, I have made many enemies. Most are struggling Division 1-AA squads that I ran the score upon. Heck, just ask Rutgers’ head coach how he felt after I completed a successful trick punt when we were already up by thirty points! Thankfully, the good folks at I. Plantem are above such grudges. They treated me like a human being – which must be difficult, since I am a despicable man. I heartily endorse their product.

I. Plantem Funeral Homes: We Put The “Fun” In Funeral!

Tell ‘em Joe Pa sent ya!

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Are You Ready For Some Football?

"It's the most wonderful time of the year . . . "

It's college football season, kids! And if you're a Michigan Wolverines fan like myself, you are salivating at the prospect of Vanderbilt coming into The Big House today. The 14th-ranked Wolverines have their work cut out for them this season, especially since those scumbag Ohio State Buckeyes are ranked #1 in the country. Damn. Any whoo, I expect Chad Henne to pick apart Vandy's defense today, enroute to a big time win. Giddyup!

Oh, and for those of you new to SYLG, the following college football teams are despised around here: Penn State, Ohio State, and Notre Dame. Especially Notre Dame!

Curb Your Enthusiasm

The author, having a blog "freak out."

In case you haven't noticed - judging by the lack of nasty comments left by my blog friends, you haven't - participation on other blogs (read: comments) has slacked off as of late. One reason is that I am still getting used to my Verizon DSL, and I'm a big, dumb guy. The other reason is that when I promised myself (when I started SYLG) to visit every blog on my sidebar once a day, I never thought I would have linked so many in a year's time.

The result: too many blogs to read, and not enough time.

Further investigation uncovered additional reasons for my blog transgressions.

Top Ten Reasons Why I Haven't Been Commenting Lately

10. Pissed that I haven't won a GOP and the City Weekend Caption Contest in months.
9. Vinnie told me I had to get in shape for Fall ice hockey. Round is a shape.
8. Uber's restraining order keeps me at least 500 yards from another blog.
7. Moisture from global warming makes my computer keys slick.
6. Pandy wants her readers to comment in Italian. As if!
5. Fox's Duets has me glued to my television.
4. JimmyB keeps posting about guns. I hate guns!
3. The wife wants me to help "raise the kids." Pfft!
2. I am writing a romance novel.

And the number one reason why I haven't been commenting lately is . . .

1. Obviously, I'm a racist.

Friday, September 01, 2006

People I Hate

Ray "Willy Wonka' Nagin

Do you believe the wontons on this guy? The founder of the nation's second "Chocolate City" - Hershey, PA being the first - was in New York City today trying to lure business to New Orleans. Are you friggin' kidding me? This, after he recently ripped the Big Apple and described the WTC site as "a hole in the ground." If there's any justice, someone will bury him neck deep in that "hole."

Dallas Cowboys Fans

Although I live in Philadelphia, I am only a passing Eagles fan - (Go Broncos!) - but Cowboys fans are making the same mistake Philly fans made only two short years ago: they are cheering Terrell Owens. Owens finally sucked it up and played last night, after weeks and weeks of shenanigans. Cowboys fans are so desperate for a return to glory, that they are welcoming this cancer with open arms - warts and all. I can sympathize: my city did the same. Unfortunately, T.O. will soon revert back to a-hole form, and Dallas fans will soon wonder, "What were we thinking?"

Philadelphia Mayor John Street

Incredibly, Street is now the nation's second-worst mayor after that jackass from NOLA, but his stock is rising. With the passing of the city's 258th homicide, Street is still refusing to consider hiring more police officers, despite a newly found $200 million budget surplus! Today's police academy graduating class is comprised of less than 100 officers, and for a department that has lost 1,000 in five years, these additions won't even make a dent.

Father Figure

Thank God for TiVo.

On Memorial Day weekend, The History Channel ran a two-hour event entitled, "Washington the Warrior." It focused upon Washington's military service, from 1752 through 1783. Being a history freak, I recorded it, but hadn't the time to watch it until last night.

It was, in a word, friggin awesome!

And now, a few facts you may have not known about the greatest general in American history:

* Washington joined the Virginia militia at the age of 21, and thanks to family pull, he was commissioned a lieutenant.

* Washington's first combat experience was a political train wreck. Unbeknownst to him, he attacked a French diplomatic party on its way to Virginia to discuss France's venture into the Ohio area. Washington's men wounded the diplomat, and then (after the shooting stopped) allegedly killed the man in cold blood. After the battle, he resigned his commission, only to rejoin at the outset of the French and Indian War.

* Washington's second combat experience wasn't a stroll in the park, either. His patrol was ambushed by guerilla fighters during the French and Indian War, and his commanding officer was mortally wounded. Washington then took command and led his men to safety.

* Like many colonists, Washington grew to despise Great Britain in the 1760's, and during his first official portrait (pictured, above) , donned the uniform of the Virginia militia, instead of the British Army.

* During the Revolutionary War, Washington had to diffuse two serious attempts of defection. After the end of the war, officers threatened to declare war on Congress, until Washington personally spoke to the disgruntled. He began by telling them that his sight and youth had been sacrificed for his country, and when he pulled out his glasses - his men had never seen the general wearing them - the men began to cry. Mutiny averted.

Washington the Warrior was one of the best documentaries I have ever seen. If you come across it on The History Channel, make sure you catch it.