Answers Ahoy!

Yeah, so I'm a little late. Big whoop. It's difficult to post when you have a tremendous ringing in your ears - thank you, Psychedelic Furs! Saddle up, gang!

Fmragtops asks, "Have you beaten Scarface yet? Is it worth the dough?"

Fm, I have not beaten the game yet, because I am slowly coming to grips with the fact that my five-year old son will soon be able to school me in the videogame realm. As a result, I am playing games with him, and really rubbing it in when I win, to "help make him a man." It's what my father taught me. Actually, I have only played it a few times so far, and it is DEFINITELY worth the dough.

The Man asks, "Why are you burned out on police work? And as a hockey fan, are you amused that Nashville has a player named "Fiddler"?"

TM, friggin' New York rednecks! You never follow the rules! The only thing I can tell you about the work situation, is that I was told I cannot talk about it. As far as The Fiddler, I am more amused that his teammate, Jordin Tootoo, changed his number to "22." Now, that's funny!

Fmragtops then asks, "Do you think The Riddler was gay?"

Fm, I don't know. Do you think Paris Hilton is a whore? The Riddler wears a bowler, and a green spandex outfit with question marks throughout. Little known fact: those question marks represent the issues surrounding his ambiguous sexuality. True story!

Nomoretreehugginghippiecrap asks, "Do the words "Large Frames" in the banner at the top of your page refer to you or eye glasses?"

NMTHHC, curiously enough, it refers to an alternate ending of Back to the Future III. In it, Rosie O'Donnell goes back in time to the Old West, and changes "fashion" forever, by wearing drab, loose-fitting men's clothes. The tailors were unprepared for this trend, and adjusted their mannequins accordingly to meet the needs of the modern 19th Century lesbian.

RT asks, "If you were to imagine you were single, for like a second . . . who would be your dream date and what would be on the docket for the evening?"

RT, that's an easy one: Pictionary with Sandra Day O'Connor! Actually, for my money it would be taking Kirsten Dunst out for dinner and a movie, followed by three straight days of my telling her how beautiful I find her. Of course, I am married, so I would never think of such things!

RT then asks, "If you could snap your fingers and do anything . . . what would it be?"

RT, I'd stop you from using all of those God forsaken dots in your sentences! Nah, I'm just yanking ya. I would have to go with the time-tested classic "Make People Disappear." That would come in handy during the requisite idiotic conversations I get sucked into on a daily basis.

Randal Graves asks, "How fast will Chuck Liddell beat down Tito Ortiz on Saturday night?"

Randal, oh how I wish I could be there to watch it, but I am exhausted and would probably fall asleep. No matter, though, since Liddell will erase Ortiz in about four minutes.

Pandy asks, "Why can't I drive 55?"

Pandy, because you are currently in Italy, and "55" over there is registered in kilometers. Thus, you are actually doing 235 mph - I did the math - and you car's engine can't take it. Either that, or you're a reckless maniac. Now don't you ever quote Sammy Hagar here again. It hurts my ears!

AJ Lynch asks, "How much money would you need to agree to do Lynn Abraham?"

AJ, hey, power is attractive! Unfortunately, she's not that powerful. I'd say $100 billion dollars.

Psyched!!!

Lead singer Richard Butler. God.

Greatest. Band. Ever.

I'm exhausted (four hours sleep), have a headache (too many cups of Guinness), and lost my voice (screaming and cheering through the entire concert); but I would go to The Psychedelic Furs concert in Asbury Park, New Jersey tonight if I had tickets. In my humble opinion, they are the best band in the world today.

And boy, do they put on a show.

Unfortunately, Lou, Badger, and Jen the Librarian missed it. Lou cancelled at the last minute - as per usual - because he couldn't get a sitter. Of course, he had two months to search for one, but that's another story. Badger had a better excuse: he was sick. And not just sick; he was "vomiting and pissing out the ass." That's a direct quote. Classy.

Vinnie picked me up around 7pm. After a stop at Badger's house to drop off their (later unused) tickets, we sped down to The Troc at 10th & Arch Streets. The line was two blocks long . . . and we were at the rear end of it. Speaking of rear ends, we met Deathlok, his hot wife, Grimjack and his brother there. After being searched for weapons - why do I always get searched by a big, burly guy, instead of a hot little blonde mynx - we entered the venue and made a beeline for the bar. Guinness on draft = shiny happy people! As we were talking and drinking, I get a tap on the shoulder. I turn around and see Carolyn, the hottie bartender from our Quizo nights. We talk for a bit and she buys me a Guinness . . . even though I barely touched my current one. I love that woman.

The opening act came on stage, and after about five minutes, we tuned out, They were brutal. Deathlok's hot wife then planned our Furs strategy: "Right after the opening act leaves the stage, we make a line to the front of the stage." Believe it or not, it worked. The pictures on this post were taken with Vinnie's camera phone from about a foot and a half. "We must be in the front row!" We were also about seven inches from two towering amplifiers - hence the deafness and ringing today.

The Furs came out and opened with Heartbeat, followed by Into You Like A Train. One added benefit of this Philly stop was that they brought their sax player. Many Furs songs utilize the saxophone, and this guy rocked the house. Ever the good friend, Vinnie called Badger during a few of the songs, to let him hear what he was missing between bouts of explosive diarrhea. Most of our favorites were on the playlist, including President Gas, Alice's House, and Imitation of Christ. And as if to shove the stake into Badger's heart, Richard Butler belted out a terrific rendition of Sleep Comes Down - Badger's favorite song. Heh.

India was the last song of the night - it was one of their two encore songs - and the crowd left the theater more than happy. We stayed a while to avoid the traffic and to try and wrangle some cool freebie like the handwritten playlist, to no avail. We did, however, strike up a decent conversation with the sax player - very nice guy - who also plays in a band called Liquid Soul.

Considering my mood as of late, this was some much-needed medicine. The Psychedelic Furs. Greatest. Band. Ever!

Bassist Tim Butler. Demigod.

It's A Great Day In America

It appears that Saddam Hussein was the third celebrity death, after James Brown and Gerald Ford. The former Iraqi dictator has been executed via the hangman’s noose. Let the jocularity begin.

Top Ten Things Overheard at Saddam Hussein’s Execution

10. “I regret I cannot give another’s life for my country.”
9. “Now, that’s a well-built gallows!”
8. “Hooray, I’m finally going to be on YouTube!”
7. “Who had Saddam in the Dead Pool?”
6. “Wait! I have tickets for the Psychedelic Furs concert tonight!”
5. “You can kill me, but my mustache will live on!”
4. “The 72 virgins will be a nice change from skanks like Britney Spears.”
3. “The Flyers lost ten straight, and they’re hanging me?”
2. “I came for the hanging, but I’m staying for the pork!”

And the number one thing overheard at Saddam Hussein’s execution is . . .

1. “If only I could feel Helen Thomas’ warm embrace one last time.”

The Psychedelic Furs!

In two hours, I'll be at The Trocadero anxiously awaiting to see my favorite band of all time in concert. Giddy-friggin'-up!

Oh, Niki, You're So Fine . . .

And people wonder why I like NASCAR . . .

"SAN DIEGO - Supermodel Niki Taylor and NASCAR driver Burney Lamar have tied the knot, Taylor's spokeswoman confirmed Friday."

Is it too late for me to start driving competitively?

An Attack From Beyond The Grave

You have to love Bob Woodward. One half of the investigative team that uncovered the Watergate scandal, this putz has done very little since. He’s like the football captain who peaked in high school, and is yearning for the Glory Days.

Today, he released carefully chosen excerpts from a 2004 interview with former President Ford, which criticized the Bush Administration for the Iraq war. The “story” appeared on the front page of most American newspapers this morning.

And people say there is no liberal media bias.

Look, the Bush Administration has made mistakes. I am not denying that. My problem is with both the timing of the released remarks – President Ford’s body isn’t even cold yet – and the manipulation of a former President’s death to attack a sitting one.

Bob Woodward is like school in the summertime . . . no class.

Who Wants To Have Some Fun?

Let's have another edition of Q&A! I have been suffering from a severe case of "Lack of Funny," so hopefully this will do the trick. Just leave your questions in the comments section, and I'll have your answers by Friday night. Most every topic is fair game . . . except police work. I'm a little burned out with the job as of late.

Well, don't just stand there; get crackin'!

UPDATE: Your answers will take a little while longer, since I almost forgot about the Psychedelic Furs concert tonight. Most of your answers will be posted by Monday. Promise!

A Message From His Excellency

As many of you already know, your exalted leader is scheduled to die next month. The infidels have decreed that Saddam Hussein be executed in accordance with their "laws." Laws, pffft! I AM THE LAW!!!

Luckily, the infidels are not aware of my favorite safety product: Johnson's Throat Guards. These little devils are the best thing to happen to Iraq since I gassed the Kurds. Made of durable polyeurethane, Johnson's Throat Guards will protect your neck from cuts, scrapes, and the dreaded gallows. The good folks at Johnson's guarantee me hours of fun during my last minutes on earth. Let them hang me! I'll swing back and forth like a pendulum, while giving the Yankee dogs "the finger!" The only thing I will be dying from is old age. HA!

So, when your neck is on the line, choose the product that is the top of the line: Johnson's. Tell them Saddam sent you.

Johnson's Throat Guards: Holy Heck, They Protect Your Neck!

President Gerald R. Ford (1913-2006)

They say celebrity deaths come in threes. Maybe there’s something to that. Former President Gerald Ford passed away today at the age of 93. Ford, who succeeded Richard Nixon at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, will never be confused with the greatest Presidents of all time, but he is currently being remembered as a down-to-earth, straight shooter that everyone liked. He gets mention here if for no other reason than he is Michigan alum.

"Ford, who has died at age 93, played center on the University of Michigan football team, where he was a three-year letter winner. His teams enjoyed consecutive undefeated, national championship seasons in 1932 and 1933. He was the Wolverines' most valuable player in 1934 and, on Jan. 1, 1935, he played in a college all-star game known today as the East West Shrine Game."

The truly sad part about posts like this is that Ford is one of hundreds of World War II veterans that we are losing every year. If you know a member of this “Greatest Generation, thank them for their service.

Shhh! It's Her Birthday!

Jen fending off Badger's advances at work.

Today is Jen the Librarian’s birthday. Jen is The Badger’s current “Flavor of the Month,” er, steady girlfriend. I kid Jen because she likes tall, balding, shapeless men. Heh. She wanted to be mentioned on SYLG today. Be careful what you wish for. (Or is that, “for what you wish”?)

Top Ten Gift Ideas For Jen The Librarian

10. A party, so she can meet Badger’s less-irritating friends.
9. A day off from work, so she doesn’t see me in her bookstore.
8. Extra-strength deodorant for The Badger.
7. A microfiche bikini.
6. A year’s supply of cottage cheese. HA! (Sorry, inside joke.)
5. Earplugs, so she doesn’t hear Vinnie talk about her body.
4. The Library of Congress . . . on tape!
3. New horn-rimmed glasses, so she can see who she’s dating.
2. A copy of Harriet the Spy, to disprove Deathlok’s “She looks like her” theory.

And the number one gift idea for Jen the Librarian is . . .

1. A chocolate cake, sorted by author, subject, and title.

Wyatt's Wisdom Nuggets

It's Tuesday, so you all know what that means . . .

Wyatt's Wisdom Nugget #4 - Don't eat the yellow snow. For that matter, don't eat lemon ices, either. You can never be too careful.

A Christmas Wrap . . . Up

I think I have finally recovered from Christmas. The gym must be helping, since it took me until New Year's Day last year. All went well in Casa de Wyatt, and suffice to say, the kids were more than pleased with their haul. Some highlights:

This is the Playmobil Pirate Ship. My five-year old has not let this little gem leave his sight since he discovered it on Christmas morning. Santa also brought him a companion piece - the Pirate Island/Jail, which is also one of his favorites. Frankly, we have played with these together, and I can tell you they both are tons of fun.
This is Thomas' Races on the Rails. It is far and away Erik's favorite gift - hat tip to my friend Bill. Like the Pirate Ship, this one is pretty entertaining as well. Erik actually cried when we came home from Christmas Eve dinner and he wasn't able to play with it. Nice!

The missus finally got the detective shield gold charm she wanted, so she doesn't have to wear that old police badge. Oh, the horror! I got Scarface for the PS2. And if that doesn't just scream Christmas, I don't know what does!

How about you? Get anything cool?

James Brown 1933-2006

On Christmas Day, the world lost one of music's greatest legends. James Brown, "The Godfather of Soul," passed away yesterday after a bout with severe pneumonia. Believe it or not, I am one of his biggest fans, and his 20 Greatest Hits CD is a staple of my car's collection.

James Brown was an innovator in an industry that was already innovative. His genius shaped the music world, and spawned much of the music of the 70's, 80's, and 90's. Rap, Hip Hop, and R&B probably wouldn't exist without his influence. Of course, if Brown knew how Rap would turn out, he may have steered the other way.

Although I was never lucky enough to see him perform live, my greatest memory of him was his stint as Reverend Cleophus James in 1980's The Blues Brothers. Brown does an absolutely awesome version of "This Old Landmark" in the film, that rivals only Ray Charles' "Shake Your Tail Feather." It was classic James Brown.

The Godfather of Soul will be sorely missed.

Merry Christmas, Everyone!!!

I hope you all have a terrific holiday! And always remember the reason for the season!

- Wyatt

Christmas Eve At The Earp Ranch

Well, the kids are asleep, and we're as ready as we will ever be. In honor of Denny's rantings, I figured I'd share the "Griswald decorating" that he was bitching about. Enjoy!

Of course, what NASCAR family would complete without the requisite Christmas blow-up?

A Grim Milestone

Four score and three hundred twenty homicides ago, the city of Philadelphia started off the New Year. Since then, an out of control illegal gun problem and an alarmingly high crime rate contributed to the city’s highest body count in recent memory. As of this posting, Philadelphia’s homicide rate is at 400, with one week left in 2006.

Merry Christmas

A Wyatt Kind Of Christmas

Here are a few things that have been running through my mind today.

* Why didn't Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer tell Santa to get bent on that foggy Christmas Eve? The other reindeer wouldn't let him play in the reindeer games - obviously a steroid-ridden extravaganza at best - and the Fat Man wouldn't give him the time of day until they needed a favor. Screw 'em, I would have said! Let them find their own damned way.

* If Frosty the Snowman was "alive" back in the 1600's, would the Puritans have hung him - and his magic hat - as a witch?

* How in the hell did Linus' blanket transform Charlie Brown's pitiful Christmas tree into a plush, green dynamo?

People I Like

Since it is only three days before Christmas, even I couldn’t post an edition of People I Hate today. Well, I could, but that wouldn’t be an example of the Christmas spirit. And away we go.

Donald Trump

How can you not like this guy, especially after his verbal bitch slap of that fat obnoxious cow Rosie O’Donnell? O’Donnell ripped The Donald for forgiving Miss USA, and then went on another of her idiotic tirades about how Trump is hardly the “moral center” of any issue. Trump, never one to back down from a fight, ripped back, calling O’Donnell “ugly on the inside and out,” a “loser,” and a “slob.” Now, that’s funny! It’s about time someone put that annoying piece of detritus in her place.

The Duke Lacrosse Team

Okay, I specifically mean the three players who were accused of rape in March.

"DURHAM, N.C. - The district attorney dropped rape charges Friday against the three Duke University lacrosse players after the stripper who accused them changed her story again. But the men still face kidnapping and sex charges that could bring more than 30 years in prison."

Surprise, surprise, the victim changed her story yet again. Let's see: she changed the number of attackers, she changed her overall story about a dozen times, and there was no DNA match on any of the accused. All the while, the players have maintained their innocence while their lives are being destroyed by an incompetent North Carolina District Attorney. Sure, these kids aren't angels, but if the players end up being vindicated - which I believe they will - I hope they sue everyone in sight.

Ingrid Vandebosch

AKA Mrs. Jeff Gordon. Do I really need an explanation?

Your Friday Hockey Fix

Check out this kid's mad skills. He's 13 years old!


(Hat Tip - Vinnie Antonelli)

Brilliant!!!

"I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T!" - Homer Simpson

Congratulations, Wyatt! Your IQ score is 133

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others. Your Intellectual Type is Visionary Philosopher. This means you are highly intelligent and have a powerful mix of skills and insight that can be applied in a variety of different ways. Like Plato, your exceptional math and verbal skills make you very adept at explaining things to others — and at anticipating and predicting patterns. And that's just some of what we know about you from your IQ results.

For the life of me, I cannot figure this out. I pride myself on telling my readers I'm a big, dumb guy. This is going to seriously ruin my reputation. You can try your luck and/or brain here. (Hat Tip - Uncle Ray)

All I Want For Christmas

Despite what people think, I am not a very needy guy. If Santa leaves a few gifts and trinkets under the tree, I'll be fine. However, it is always nice to dream, so here are a few things this gunfighter would like to see on Christmas Day.

* A tied-up, duct-taped, and gagged Miss USA Tara Connor; preferably stuffed inside The Donald's basement. The last thing the holiday season needs is another whiny, bubble-headed bimbo who keeps putting her foot in her mouth. Now, if she wants to put her foot in my mouth, well . . . I've said too much.

* An increased troop presence in Iraq. And by that I mean I'd like to see President Bush send over 200,000 men by January 1. If you want to win this war, then frakkin' win it! Stop pussy-footing around!

* Ten more area casinos to go with our jackass governor's plan to add two in Philadelphia. Ya gotta love a governor who hears about the lowest-rated area to build a casino in the city . . . then declares he will place one there. Don't blame me, I voted for Lynn Swann. (And I'll bet the hippies in Queen Village wished they did right about now, too.)

* A Philadelphia Flyers team that: 1. doesn't suck; 2. can pick up players that don't suck; 3. doesn't make me feel sorry for them because they suck.

* A Philadelphia Eagles team that misses the playoffs. This team is not very good, but if they make the playoffs, all of the jerkass Eagles fans will start screaming "Super Bowl, Baby!" The best thing that can happen to this team is to miss the postseason. Then, they can re-tool.

* Jill Wagner from Blade: The Series. Just because.

Tag, I'm It!

Tyler tagged me with a meme. That rat bastard.

Here are the rules - Each player of this game starts with the "6 Weird Things About You." People who get tagged need to write a blog entry of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says 'you are tagged' in their comments and tell them to read your blog!

6 Weird Things About Me

1. I am riddled with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. And when I say "riddled," I mean riddled. I can't walk past a pair of shoes without putting them together and facing them the same way. My desk at work is always straightened, and I make sure the stapler, tape dispenser and computer keyboard are always either perfectly horizontal or vertical - depending upon the item.

2. I am overly superstitious. If someone spills the salt, look out; it's coming over my shoulder immediately. When I get dressed for ice hockey, it is always left skate, right skate; left shin guard, right shin guard, etc. Yeah, I'm a mess.

3. I worry way too much. And when I worry, I usually make myself sick about it. I always assume the worst is going to happen, even when it's irrational to think so. For example, my prisoner escape post made both The Philadelphia Inquirer and The Philadelphia Daily News today. One of my co-workers called me at home and said that the story "made us look like idiots." I'm not sure which post he read, but we were not responsible for the escape at all, and my co-workers and I did nothing wrong. Despite that fact, I am sick to my stomach that someone will try and twist the post into something it is not. FYI kids: no rules were broken, no names were mentioned, and there's no rule about bringing in food and giving gifts at an office Christmas party.

4. I lack confidence in almost everything I do. Let's face it: I'm a moron. As such, I believe that I am a sub-par worker, half-assed blogger, and lousy hockey player. I am still amazed anyone reads this drivel. What is wrong with you people!!?

5. I have major food issues. My food cannot touch when it is on a plate. I do not like milk, I despise pork (except for bacon . . . mmm!), and I can't stand steak. Somewhere, Vinnie just passed out.

6. Finally, I really enjoy watching kids' shows. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse - the show, not the damned toy - is pretty entertaining. Pingu is awesome, even if I have no idea what language they are supposed to be speaking. And SpongeBob SquarePants may be the greatest cartoon ever made. I still laugh out loud when I watch it with the kids. Um, the kids. Yeah, that's why I watch it.

So, there you have it. I hereby tag the following backup officers: Captain Den, Deathlok, Pandy, Rachel, Right Wing Prof, and RT.

Blogger Beta Fever . . . Catch It! (Or Else)

So, I am logging on to Blogger today, and on the dashboard it lists the three blogs to which I contribute: SYLG, Prison Break Central, and Blogs4Bauer. For some reason, the Blogs4Bauer icon was grayed out and a message stated that the blog has "moved to the new Blogger."

And I am now shut out of it.

The Blogger Nazis have determined that if I intend to contribute to B4B, I must sign up for their "new version;" an act tantamount to blackmail. As Rachel has already mentioned, I don't like change, and I am not ready to switch versions of Blogger - especially not under duress.

I may jump to the Blogger Beta garbage in time, but for now, I'll stay where I am.

Join Prison Break Central!

Are you a fan of Prison Break? Are you a blogger who desires to hit it big? Do you lie around the house in your underpants eating bon-bons? Do you like gladiator movies? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you should join the Prison Break Central team.

Applicants will undergo an exhaustive physical and mental screening, consisting of a five-mile run, an IQ test, and the always intense "Where's Waldo?" exam. Prospective candidates will also be required to identify major characters from the show, whittle their own shank out of driftwood, and explain why the nickname "T-Bag" makes people giggle.

Just listen to these testimonials:

"I used to be a liberal hippie who always voted a straight Democratic ticket. I demonstrated against the death penalty and our overcrowded penal system. That all changed when I joined the Prison Break Central team. Today, I have a highly successful blog, have been invited on local talk radio programs, and roast marshmallows whenever the state fries a felon." - Little Miss Chatterbox

"I was the least interesting teacher in my school. When they weren't sleeping their boredom away, my students used to place "Kick me" signs on the back of my head. Since I started contributing to Prison Break Central, however, my students hate and fear me. Why? Because they know that I can slit their throats with the razor blades I hide under my tongue. Thank you, Prison Break Central!" - RT

"I used to be an overweight, dim-witted, schlub who couldn't write his way out of a Penthouse Letter. Now, I contribute to three blogs, receive daily hate mail, and women actually spit on me instead of crossing the street. And it is all thanks to Prison Break Central." - Wyatt Earp

So, how about getting with the program? Why don't you jump on the team and come on in for the big win? The series returns in late January.

(Cross-posted on Prison Break Central)

Don't Wash It Out: Shut It Out

Yesterday started out like the day from hell. Internet Explorer 7 was giving me fits, the blog template was all askew, and a lack of sleep left me reeling. I was more worn out than Lindsay Lohan after a night at the VFW. POW! Thankfully, after work I was able to go to my Happy Place: the ice rink.

We were playing Doc's Inn, the team we played last month while only suiting seven players. We lost that game, and even after I steamrolled one of their players in front of the net, we lost, 5-4. Last night, we were ready for some vengeance.

We got it.

Instead of the seven guys that showed up for the first game, we had thirteen on the bench for this one. Vinnie and I were on a line together - always a good time - while Fish and Badger The Birthday Boy played defense. Randal played the right wing on the top line, because unlike me, he has talent.

Did you ever have the feeling that you were destined to win a game? That feeling overcame me in the first period. Badger took a puck from our zone and charged up the ice. He maneuvered past two opponents into the offensive zone and was heading for the net, when he was hooked from behind. Badger sprawled onto the ice in a heap, but at the last second pushed the puck forward with his stick. The puck slid past the goaltender for our first goal. Badger didn't even see it go in.

Neither did Randal. He skated over to the referee and shouted, "Where's the penalty? He got off a shot!" The ref turned to him and replied, "It went in." Randal gave him a look of "Um, okay," and skated back to the bench. The rest of the game proceeded much the same way. Many of our offensive players had decent scoring chances, but their tender was excellent. On the other hand, our goalie Boris was shutting down everything that came his way. We notched two more goals during the contest for a 3-0 victory; something we can carry with us until after the Christmas break. We don't play again until January 7th.

As far as my friends go, Randal played well, despite not finding the net this week. Fish and Badger played steady defense after Badger scored that amazing goal. Vinnie and I played okay. We didn't score any points, but we were even in the plus-minus category, which is always a good sign. And after the game, we headed to the bar for birthday shots of Jameson and pints of Guinness.

Life is good.

Wyatt's Wisdom Nuggets

Hey, kids! What time is it? It's time for your weekly dose of wisdom from America's favorite bloated detective. Heh.

Wyatt's Wisdom Nugget #3: You will always to forget to shave your back until AFTER you take of your shirt at the beach.

Beating Them All . . .

Like a rented mule.

Guess who won GOP and the City's Weekend Caption Contest for the second week in a row. I'll give you a hint: it wasn't Sssteve, Fmragtops, Damian G, or Pam. Heh, heh.

IT WAS ME!!! Whoo hoo! (Sounds of car horns honking across America.) Check out my entry (and the rest of the funny) here.

About The New Banner . . .

Like a jackass, I downloaded Microsoft Internet Explorer 7 before checking it with Rachel. To say this was a mistake is like saying I am a little chubby. I fear and loathe change, and Explorer 7 is chock full of 'em. My font sizes are all whacked out, and the page looks stretched . . . like my stomach.

Unfortunately, when viewing SYLG in Explorer 7, the blog title was cut of at the top. This cannot stand. My only recourse was to post a banner at the top of the page like Captain Den and PBC. This banner may not be here forever - it depends if the readers think it's okay - but it'll do for now.

FRAK! Note: After posting the new banner, the top is still cut off, even though First In! and Prison Break Central look fine. At this point, I am going to ask for help before I put my service pistol either in my mouth or at my computer.

Merry Uber Christmas

Blogger Babe and Friend of SYLG Uber is requesting Best Christmas Memories to post over at her place. The following is my story.

How I Became A Michigan Wolverines Fan

Since I was a little gunfighter, every Christmas at Casa de Earp included great presents (read: toys) and okay presents (read: clothes). Ma and Pa Earp were pretty adept at keeping the great presents pile taller, and almost always chose our gifts wisely. Sometimes, though, my brother and I had issues (read: fights) over who received which gift. When I was in grade school, I always wanted the Millennium Falcon for my Star Wars action figures. My brother ended up getting it, while I got the Death Star. I was not amused.

A year or so later, my brother and I were opening gifts from the okay pile, when we simultaneously unwrapped a pair of sweatpants. My brother is taller than me, and we wore about the same size at the time, despite the three year age difference. My brother opened his box and saw a pair of blue sweatpants with “Michigan” written down the side of one leg in yellow. I opened a box and saw a pair of green sweatpants with “Notre Dame” written down the side of one leg in gold. Although I was a pre-teen, I knew enough that Notre Dame sucks. There was no way in hell I was ever going to wear these pants. I didn’t want to disappoint my parents, so my brother and I played Monty Hall.

I turned to him and said, “These are the same size. Would you mind taking these off my hands?” Thankfully, he said it wouldn’t be a problem, and right there in the living room, in front of our parents who spent their time and energy picking out these pants, we swapped gifts. I started following Michigan football ever since.

A Very Badger Birthday

Today is The Badger’s 37th birthday. As part of my inner circle – the circle gets bigger every year to fit my fat ass inside – he gets a birthday mention, which has nothing to do with our hockey game tonight. He doesn’t have to pass to me if he doesn’t feel like it. Since I ripped, er, celebrated Vinnie’s birthday for almost a week, I should make an effort with The Badger.

The Top Ten Gift Ideas for The Badger

10. More kids. (HA!)
9. Two new knees so he can play goaltender again.
8. Two words: Chia hair.
7. The Half-Man, Half-Biscuit anthology.
6. Season tickets to the Philadelphia Flyers.
5. One day’s worth of cigarettes. (Read: ten cartons.)
4. A time machine so he can avoid marrying his awful first wife.
3. A thesaurus for his conversations with Jen The Librarian.
2. A dictionary to look up the word “thesaurus.”

And the number one gift idea for The Badger is . . .

1. That one college credit he needs to get his degree.

Stupid Questions

What are the chances that Vinnie Antonelli scores his first goal tonight?

What’s the deal with egg nog? I know what egg is, but what the hell is “nog?”

Why is it when you’re running really late for work that you get stuck behind an elderly, obnoxiously slow-driving jerkass with a handicapped plate?

And speaking of the elderly, why are these pious posers always in the front row of the church grasping their Rosary beads and chanting their prayers, but when a two-year old child sits in front of them, they throw a hissy fit and shoot the parents rude looks? Nice Christian ideals, jerks!

Which is more yummy: Martina McBride or the ice cream?

Oh, and is anyone still giving Prison Break Central a pity-read? There's another new post there, courtesy of yours truly.

I Am Time's 2006 Person Of The Year!

That's right, baby! Someone finally gave me the credit I so richly deserve. Sure, my blog is only averaging about 150 hits a day, and some internet powerhouses like Michelle Malkin, Hugh Hewitt, and Glenn Reynolds don't even know I exist, but to receive an honor such as this is, well, humbling.

There are so many people to thank. First, I'd like to thank the editors of TIME Magazine, who showed true wisdom in choosing me as their Person of the Year. I'd like to thank my family, even though they don't read this blog. I'd like to thank my friends, who, um, also don't read this blog. I'd like to thank my nuclear blog family, who only reads this blog when I am posting pictures of supermodels or making fun of myself. Um . . . ya know what? Maybe I should quit while I am behind.

Anyway, I want to let my readers know that I will still have time for the "little people" who helped me get where I am today. And by that, I mean the midgets and the dwarfs. I also vow to keep SYLG fresh as a baby's bottom - at least until I get bored with the whole blogging thing, or run out of pictures of hotties. Until then, I'll be here, plugging away at the computer, and racking up the national honors. Thank you, TIME Magazine!

P.S. - You can check it out the article here.

Bugs Bunny Is A God

I hate to be a YouTube whore, but I found this gem over there last night. It's a full episode (about seven minutes) of possibly the greatest Bugs Bunny cartoon ever made. When you watch this, you realize that today's cartoons couldn't hold Looney Tunes' anvil. Enjoy!

BTW, the Chicago-style softball team Deathlok, Badger, and I were on was named The Gashouse Gorillas. Nice!

Tales Of Idiocy

Since it was just Vinnie Antonelli's birthday, I figured he should be the subject of this week's all true episode Tales Of Idiocy. First, watch this YouTube clip - it's about 2:41 - then I'll give you the back story.

And now, the story behind the significance of this song.

When my friends and I were in college, Badger's parents had a kickass beach house in Sea Isle City, New Jersey. Like every good college student, we went down the shore almost every weekend to drink ourselves into C+ averages. On one particular day, Badger, Fish, Vinnie, and I arrived early Friday afternoon with a car full of really cheap vodka - it was the only liquor we drank back then - and beer.

We started the "festivities" early with a few drinking games.

Our favorite drinking game was "Up and down the river," where we bet drinks as to whether the middle card would be high or low. If you won, you gave out the drinks (up to a maximum of five), if you lost, you had to drink the equivalent of your bet. Suffice to say, it was not Vinnie's day. Almost immediately, Vinnie was smashed, and he didn't even unpack yet. Being his best friends, we would never take advantage of such a situation, right? Wrong. Survival of the fittest, baby. We picked on the drunk until he couldn't remember his name.

We weren't at the house for a full hour, when Vinnie "excused himself" to the bathroom. We were obviously concerned, because if he died, his body stench would ruin our weekend. Badger walked over to the bathroom, only to hear the sounds of retching. Giggling, badger walked out to us and said, "Vinnie is puking already!" Luckily, he had just the thing. He walked over to the stereo, put in his Dead Milkmen cassette - someone explain to Tyler what a cassette is - and played The Puking Song. Soon, the retching sounds were overcome by three a-holes laughing hysterically.

Since that dark day, whenever we hear this musical gem, we think of Vinnie.

Let's Cheer Up!

Well, yesterday was a downer for everyone who reads SYLG - especially me. Since I can't partake of sweets anymore, I should offer some to my friends. And who is sweeter than Battlestar Galactica's Number 6, Tricia Helfer?

Attention, Fellow Bloggers!

For some damned reason, I can't seem to be able to comment on blogs who have "upgraded" to Blogger Beta. It won't let me sign in at all, which means your blog may not be able to receive my witty banter for the time being. I wanted to clear this up a.s.a.p. - I am not avoiding your blogs!

People I Hate

Somalia

Yeah, I mean the entire country. Believe it or not, the Somalis are having trouble with terrorists after their U.N.-created government has not asserted itself. Go figure.

BAIDOA, Somalia - Peace talks with Somalia's Islamic movement are no longer an option, the president said Friday, warning that the group is allowing al-Qaida terrorists to "set up shop" in the Horn of Africa.

Yeah, that's a shame. Let us know how that works out for you.

"This is a new chapter and part of the terror group's plan to wage war against the West," Abdullahi Yusuf told The Associated Press during a rare interview at his heavily guarded office in western Somalia. (H/T - Yahoo!)

If you think we're coming to help you after you watched us get slaughtered in October, 1993, you are out of your frakking mind.

Rosie O'Donnell

This fat piece of crap just doesn't know when to shut her mouth, whether it be at the buffet line or the television studio. Last week, she decided to make fun of the Chinese, choosing insults that my two-year old wouldn't use.

"You know, you can imagine in China it's like `ching chong, ching chong chong, Danny DeVito, ching chong chong chong, drunk, "The View," ching chong,'" the 44-year-old comedian said."

Wow, Rosie, you're both funny and edgy. I can see who all of those Long Island yentas look up to you.

"On Thursday's show, she told the audience: "To say ching chong to someone is very offensive, and some Asian people have told me it's as bad as the n-word. Which I was like, `Really? I didn't know that.'" (H/T - Yahoo!)

You didn't know that? Are you friggin' kidding me? Ironically, I once called Rosie a Butch-looking, unfunny, carpet-munching dyke. When someone told me that was offensive, I said, "Really? I didn't know that." Asshat.

I'm not sure which offends me more: the actual comments or the fact that this "comedian" hasn't said anything even remotely funny in thirty years.

Wyatt Earp

No, not the historical character. I mean me. I'm frakking up my health. I went to the doctor's today for the results of my bloodwork - I get tested every three months for my cholesterol levels - and got some rather unpleasant news. My sugar is running high, which is a warning sign for diabetes. Suffice to say, I freaked out. The doctor told me that it is not inevitable, and that we would know better what I'll look like after the next blood check in three months, but I have to make radical changes, post haste. First, candy, cakes, and (for some reason) potatoes are all out. Second, I need to exercise a lot more. Although I go to the gym three times a week, I appear to be spending all of my time lifting weights instead of doing cardio. And finally, I need to lose the fat like yesterday.

To be brutally honest, I'm scared to death, but I think I am also finally scared straight.

Your Daily Dose Of Exhaustion

The following takes place between 7:00am and 11:30pm.

Sorry about the lack of posting, but I have been working non-stop since 7am. Here's the rundown:

7:00am - I wake up for court after getting about six hours sleep. Although exhaustion is hindering my progress, our team (Badger, Sean, and I) won Quizo last night! Hat Tip to Sean for knowing the State Song of Tennessee; The Tennessee Waltz. That answer put us over the top.

9:00am - After fighting rush hour traffic - I hate driving on Interstate 95 - I clock in at court - that cha-ching sound you hear is my OT adding up - and proceed to my room. Today's festivities include an Attempted Murder trial where a bizarre love triangle amongst three women turns ugly. The two new lovers attack the former with a knife, and stab her in the chest, shoulder, neck, and head. The head shot lacerates an artery, nearly killing the complainant.

10:00am - The ADA in the case, a terrific lawyer named McCrae, asks me to get the knife from the evidence custodian. The trial is indeed going on today. Sweet!

12:00pm - After the complainant was on the stand for over an hour, I am called to testify. I answer the questions from the ADA and the defense attorneys with little emotion, since I learned a long time ago that if the defense gets you riled up, you already lost. After thinking that the knife would not be allowed to be submitted into evidence, the ADA and I convince the judge to allow it. Score!

1:45pm - ADA McCrae gives one of the best closing arguments I have ever seen, and both defendants are convicted on every count except the attempted murder. The aggravated assault charges stick, and these "women" will be spending their foreseeable future in a jail cell. The ADA is happy. I am happy. But most of all, the victim and her father are ecstatic. The good guys won one today.

2:15pm - After returning the knife, I am speeding home on I-95. I am due to start work at 3pm, and it's a thirty-minute drive from home. I get home at 2:40pm, go upstairs for my mid-afternoon "sit-down," and rush out to work. My clothes are starting to reek a little bit.

2:17pm - Captain Den sees me leaving for work, and tells me he has one of his famous "Tales of Woe." When I tell him I am running late for work, he replies, "You're already late. What's ten more minutes gonna matter?" His Tale of Woe was a pretty good one, but it took longer than ten minutes to tell.

3:30pm - I arrive at work to see that my jackass co-workers left me a three-inch high pile of work. It is my job to assign and enter the jobs into the computer. Usually after a few days off I have to enter five or six. Today I was left with twenty-eight unassigned jobs! I was royally pissed. The entire process of assigning them and entering them into the computer took four hours.

11:00pm - After a whirlwind day, I enter my final assignment. The total entered is fifty. FIFTY!!! Our S&R (the daily log) was ten pages long. I almost knocked people over when it was time to leave. I just wanted out.

11:30pm - Home at last. I realize that I have been wearing the same clothes for sixteen hours. Although sleep is an appealing thought, I remember I haven't posted yet today. Damn.

So, how was your day?

These Things I Believe

From time to time, I feel it is necessary to inform my new readers about my current take on the world. (Because I never voice my opinion here, right?) My friend Sean (Badger's brother) always tells me that he never reads The Real Wyatt here. Well today, he will.

Editor's Note: This post will probably piss a lot of you off.

* I believe that the Politically-Correct counterculture is ruining this country, and I haven't said that "I'm a proud American" in quite some time.

* Similarly, I believe that if you are offended by the phrase, "Merry Christmas," you are just a frakkin' scumbag troublemaker. If someone wishes me Happy Kwanzaa, I don't throw a fit. Start acting like adults, you morons!

* I believe that the dual-origin crap is just that: crap. Guess what? If you're black, you're black; not "African-American." If you're white, you're white; not "European-American." Pick a friggin' origin and stick with it!

* I believe that the six Muslim Imams taken off a plane for praying and chanting "Allah," on the tarmac should not only have been detained, but also should have been beaten by the passengers. Try that on my plane, Buckwheat, and see what happens. And don't give me this "racism" crap; when Roman Catholics fly planes into buildings in the name of Christ, you can do the same to me.

* I believe that Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad should be assassinated immediately. If not, we should at least nuke Tehran before he tries to do the same to Jerusalem.

* I believe that civil unions should be legal in the United States. Gay marriage? Not yet, but I'm slowly accepting that idea. Similarly, I believe that God doesn't give a rat's ass is you are gay. He has more important issues to fret about.

* I believe that America is not ready for a woman President and/or a black President. And if we were, we certainly wouldn't elect two morons who have done nothing politically, like Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

* I believe that President Bush threw Donald Rumsfeld under the bus, and is now cowering at the altar of the Nancy Pelosis of the country. So, you lost the midterm elections, most parties do in a President's sixth year. Get over it, and get back to doing what we elected you to do!

* I believe that with a homicide rate approaching 400, the blacks in Philadelphia are committing genocide against their own race. To that I say, serves you right. That's what you get for worshipping rap artists, NBA players, and other thugs.

* I believe that when less popular kids get constantly picked on in school, they will eventually lash out. I believe all kids know this, but don't care until the less popular kids shoot up a school. Personally, I can't blame the Columbine assassins.

Holy Crap!

America has lost a genius.

Philadelphia native, and star of "Everybody Loves Raymond" actor Peter Boyle died last night of heart disease. He was 71.

A member of the Christian Brothers religious order who turned to acting, the tall, prematurely balding Boyle gained notice in the title role of the 1970 sleeper hit "Joe," playing an angry, murderous bigot at odds with the emerging hippie youth culture.

Smiting hippies before it was cool. NICE!

The son of a local TV personality in Philadelphia, Boyle was educated in Roman Catholic schools and spent three years in a monastery before abandoning his religious studies. He later described the experience as similar to "living in the Middle Ages."He explained his decision to leave in 1991: "I felt the call for awhile; then I felt the normal pull of the world and the flesh."

And the world was better for it. Boyle was a comic genius on ELR, and was equally terrific in Young Frankenstein. He will be sorely missed.

I'm Terribly Vexed

It has been a long and fruitless week, and it's only Wednesday morning. This is what is vexing me at the present time.

First of all, although we won our hockey game on Sunday night, we tied Monday night's game. No big deal, right? Wrong. We were leading by a score of 3-1 with 1:37 left in the game. Almost immediately after that, the Bruins scored two goals in 1:05. We limped into overtime, and managed the tie, but it was a game we should have won.

Licking our wounds, we went to the bar around the corner from the rink, only to find out it was closed. It was barely midnight! Swell.

Tuesday morning, I woke early because I had two trials downtown. Usually, spending your day off in a courtroom with America's refuse is a chore, and this was no different. Then the jerkass I locked up for a huge burglary last winter - and refused to admit the crime, even though he was caught on tape - copped a guilty plea minutes before the trial was about to start. It's a win, but the sentence would be much lighter now. Damnit.

Tuesday afternoon was spent putting up icicle lights on my roof. Unfortunately, I am scared to death of ladders, and Denny (THE FIREMAN) showed his support by stopping by and laughing at me. Nice. After I came down from the wuthering heights, the missus told me that they would look better if I put them on the upper roof as well - we live in a split-level. Ugh. That's today's chore.

I took the clan to dinner on Monday night, and Kyle, my five-year old, looked at me out of the blue and said, "Dad, I wish you were my age, so you wouldn't die for a long, long time." What the hell do you say to that???

And finally, we met The Badger's girlfriend after Sunday night's game. In my humble opinion, she looks a lot like Diana Rigg (The Avengers' Emma Peel, pictured above), and for the record, that's a compliment. She's a librarian - so the mystery abounds as to why she's with him - and asked Badger for my blog address. Now I feel immense pressure to write something of substance. Instead, the last three days' worth of posts have been awful. And not the kind of awful everyone usually enjoys; the awful that makes people want to never stop back. Crap.

They're Coming!!!

And I'm going to see them for the billionth time! Vinnie scored me and my friends tickets to The Psychedelic Furs - our favorite band of all time - who are playing in Philly at The Trocadero on December 29th. Of course, if Vinnie was a true pal, he'd also score us tickets to see them in NYC on December 27th and in Asbury Park, New Jersey on December 30th. Oh well. Here's a YouTube clip of one of their better songs, "Fall." The song is only about 2:30. Enjoy!

A Message From The Comrade President

Dasvadanya, comrades! As you may already know, INTERPOL has been called in to investigate the dreadful passing of former Hero of the Soviet Union Alexander Litvinenko. Of course, I applaud this move, and will cooperate in any way, shape or form.

Some media outlets have accused Comrade Litvinenko of being a "spy." This charge is ludicrous, since every faithful Party member knows that the Soviet Union, er, Russian Republic, does not employ spies. Comrade Litvinenko was merely a beet farmer, struggling to make ends meet in our Communist Utopia. Besides, Russia obtains our pertinent information the old fashioned way: by watching Entertainment Tonight.

Equally disturbing are the rumors that Comrade Litvinenko was poisoned with radioactive polonium 210. This charge is erroneous on all counts! Russia does not own any more polonium 210, because we sold it all to Iran and al Qaeda. Oh, well, I've said too much.

Finally, the Kremlin is receiving reports from our foreign "beet farmers" that I am considered a suspect in Comrade Litvinenko's untimely demise. This is utterly outrageous! In fact, when I heard he was sick, I immediately ordered a burrito bouquet from the Chernobyl Taco Bell be sent to him at once. Unfortunately, Comrade Litvinenko passed away shortly after my delivery, and I think he should be buried at once without an autopsy.

It's what Comrade Litvinenko would have wanted.

Wyatt's Wisdom Nuggets

It’s that time again. Are you ready for my wisdom?

Wyatt’s Wisdom Nugget #2: Even though you are sure you paid for your items, you will still cringe when you pass the shoplifting detector.

I'd Be Remiss

. . . if I didn't mention Vinnie Antonelli's birthday, which was this past Saturday. Even though I am a few days late, I can still offer his friends a few gift ideas.

Top Ten Gift Ideas For Vinnie

10. A fantasy hockey team that doesn't blow.
9. Two pounds of congealed cheese fries.
8. A king's crown air freshener for his Pimpmobile.
7. A new bowl for his soup. (It's the only meal he ever gets.)
6. A slap shot, wrist shot, or an ability to kick pucks into a net.
5. A year's supply of Jameson Whiskey.
4. A mop to clean up the results of said whiskey.
3. Hockey socks that match his jersey. (Read: Garanimals)
2. A nice toupee, so we won't be blinded by his skin yarmulke.

And the number one gift idea for Vinnie is . . .

1. Emma Laaksonen's phone number.

Yeah! I'm Da Man!!!

I'm just not The Man. For the first time in about, oh, six months, I won GOP and the City's Weekend Caption Contest! Wow, there are just so many people to thank . . .

Jimmy B - Who couldn't even crack the Top Ten. Good work, Asshat!

GOP and College, who could only pull out an 8th Place finish. Nice try, Buckwheat.

Sssteve, who's third place entry was about - hold on while I do my math and show my work - TWO PLACES TOO SHORT! HA!

Ahh, it's good to be an ignorant, sarcastic winner again.

Inconceivable!

It looks like SYLG just received a written "Frak You!" from Dave at Garfield Ridge. While reading some of his recent blog entries, I decided to comment. As I went to submit said pithy comment, I received this message:

We're sorry . . .

Your comment has not been posted because we think it may be comment spam. We routinely monitor comment activity and block comments that exhibit patterns of abuse. We apologize if you believe you've reached this message in error.

Wow. And they didn't even grease me up. I realize that most of my readers classify my blog as "spam," but come on! I comment on a fairly regular basis over there, and this is the first time I received that message. I tired to comment again a few times to no avail. Don't get me wrong: I still love reading Dave's work, but I reckon I won't be commenting anymore. Weak.

A PBC Update

RT has a brand spanking new post up at Prison Break Central. Don't have her think her work was in vain. Check it out here. Oh, and not to sound too desperate, but blog links will gladly be reciprocated!

Oh, by the way, V the K has an idea for the new Director of CTU over at Blogs4Bauer: Paul Teutel, Sr. If you don't laugh at this post, you don't have a sense of humor!

Mmm . . . Sweet Victory!

"Vladislav Tretiak; if you score on him, keep the puck because it does not happen often." - Herb Brooks, Miracle

Goodbye losing, hello winning streak . . . of one in a row!!! We won our game against the Rink Rats last night by a score of 3-2! The win puts us at .500 (4-4) on the season, and keeps us in the middle of the standings.

For a change, I had a decent game, including a terrific pass to a breaking regular commenter here - not to mention any names, VINNIE! - who grabbed the puck and shot it into the goalie's pads. Assist for Wyatt . . . out the window. I kid Vinnie only because I know that otherwise our line played a solid game.

The Badger got on the board with a sweet slapshot goal from the point, which drew cheers from the crowd, and a yawn from his girlfriend, Jen The Librarian. Actually, we were surprised she wasn't reading a book while we were playing. HA! Fish played a pretty good game at defense, and Randal Graves (as usual) comprised most of our offensive punch.

Luckily for us, there is no rest for the weary. Our next game is tonight at 10pm, and we will be playing without Randal. So, Vinnie, Fish, Badger and I need to get our heads out of our asses and put some pucks in the net. Hear me, guys?

Christmas Misery Update

Buy.com sucks ass! The lovely and talented Rachel went on their website and purchased the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse yesterday. She had them ship it to my secret, undisclosed location – I can’t have readers attempting to assassinate me at my home, you know – in time for Christmas.

Or, so she thought. You see, Buy.com does not keep its website current, and Rachel received a notice today stating the Clubhouse was actually sold out when she ordered it with her credit card. Unfortunately for her, the notice came a day after the order, so her card was already charged. It will be a few days until these toads can set everything straight. Unfortunately for my two-year old son, that Mickey Mouse Clubhouse he so desperately desired will not be under the tree this year.

Frak you, Buy.com!!!

A Fatty McButterpants Victory

Although I haven’t been mentioning it ad nauseum, I am still going to the gym at least three times a week. Despite that fact that I am so familiar with my glorious naked body, I hadn’t noticed any changes . . . at least until yesterday.

I was getting ready for work when my dress shirt felt a tad loose. Stunned, I attempted something I rarely do before work: I buttoned my top button and tightened my tie. Wow, no discomfort. That’s a good sign. I went to work, and stayed dressed and pretty for the entire tour. Sweet!

Okay, it’s a minor victory at best, but when I am increasing my lifting weight during my workouts and seeing my clothes fit a little better, it is cause for celebration.

SYLG Remembers Danny

Although I posted about Philadelphia Police Officer Daniel Faulkner’s murder yesterday, I wanted to acknowledge this horrible crime on the exact date it occurred 25 years ago. The coward who assassinated Danny has been living comfortably on death row for 23 years, thumbing his nose at Danny’s widow, Maureen. He and his legal team have been abusing the appeals process for decades, while he enjoys the celebrity status lauded upon him from Hollywood, the French, and college students who are ignorant of the facts.

In the meantime, few people remember the murdered police officer who was first shot in the back, the shot point blank in the face. I remember. My fellow officers will remember. And this city should remember Danny’s sacrifice long after that murdering son of a bitch Wesley Cook is put to death.

A Christmas Miracle!

“It’s Christmas, Theo. It’s the time for miracles.” – Hans Gruber, Die Hard

A Christmas Angel heard my prayer. The other day I posted about the nearly-impossible-to-find Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. It is the one item my two-year old son Erik wanted. I wrote the post on the off chance that one of my fabulous readers would be able to find one and pick it up.

That fabulous reader is Rachel from Pay Heed to the Geek. Rachel found the Clubhouse on Buy.com, purchased it – she will be reimbursed – and is shipping it to Casa de Wyatt. She is the non-Grinch that saved the Earp’s Christmas, and from now on, she gets preferred member status here.

Okay, I have no idea what that means, but I do know this: everyone who reads this blog should stop by PHTTG and reward her for her kindness. Site hits are the gift that keeps on giving, people, so get going! Thanks!

Murdered On The Streets Of Philadelphia

I was going to post this tomorrow, on the 25th anniversary of Danny Faulkner's assassination, but I wanted as many people to as possible to read the facts of the case. Maybe it will give people some insight into why Philadelphia Police Officers are so sickened by his convicted murderer and his celebrity supporters. This is a tad lengthy, but bear with me: it is worth the read . . .

"These are the events of the morning of December 9, 1981 as they have been testified to in the initial 1982 Trial and the subsequent 1995 and 1996 PCRA (Post Conviction Collateral Relief Hearings.) These facts have withstood direct appeal and they represent the testimony of numerous witnesses to this crime that have been deemed "credible" by the court.

At 3:55 AM on December 9, 1981 Daniel Faulkner, a twenty five year old police Philadelphia Police Officer Daniel Faulkner observed a light blue Volkswagen driving down 13th Street (a one way street) the wrong way and then turning east onto Locust Street. Officer Faulkner then pulled the Volkswagen over in view of several eyewitnesses.

Prior to leaving his car, Faulkner radioed for a police wagon to back him up. Unknown to him, this would later help preserve the scene of his own murder. Officer Faulkner exited his vehicle and approached the driver's side of the Volkswagen, which was being driven by Mr. William Cook. Officer Faulkner asked Mr. Cook to exit his car. As the officer was looking away, several witnesses stated that they saw Mr. Cook punch Officer Faulkner in the face, violently attacking him. The officer responded by striking Cook, apparently with his flashlight, and then turned Cook towards the car attempting to subdue him.

For reasons that remain unknown today, sitting in a taxicab across the narrow street and watching the events as they unfolded, was William Cook's older brother, Wesley Cook (AKA Mumia Abu Jamal). According to witnesses, Mr. Jamal exited his taxi and ran across the street toward the Officer and his brother, William Cook. While Officer Faulkner was distracted by Mr. Cook, with his back turned to Mr. Jamal, Mr. Jamal was seen raising his arm and then firing one shot that found it's mark in Officer Faulkner's back. A tract Metal Test for Primer Lead done before the trial positively showed that the shot was fired from approximately 10- 12 inches.

Officer Faulkner was able to draw his gun and fire one return shot at his assailant, Mumia Abu-Jamal. This bullet was later extracted from Mr. Jamal's upper abdomen. Having fired this shot, Officer Faulkner fell to the sidewalk. While the wounded officer lay helpless and unarmed on his back, Mr. Jamal was seen by four individuals standing over the Officer with his five shot, .38 caliber Charter Arms revolver in his hand. From approximately 3 feet, Jamal began to fire at the officer's upper body.

Officer Faulkner is believed to have been conscious at this point and to be looking up at his assailant, who was later identified by several people at the crime scene as Mumia Abu Jamal. It's believed that in an attempt to save his life, Faulkner began to roll from side to side as Jamal fired at him. Jamal missed his first several shots. He then moved closer to Faulkner and bent down over him. Mr. Jamal put the muzzle of his gun within inches of Officer Faulkner's face, and squeezed off the final, and fatal, shot. The bullet entered the officer's face slightly above the eye and came to rest in his brain, killing him instantly."

The rest of the facts of the case can be found at Justice for Daniel Faulkner.

People I Hate

The Green Onion Poopy Guy

Well, at least this will be good for my diet:

"All 15 Taco Bell restaurants in Philadelphia shut down yesterday afternoon, as the E. coli outbreak that has sickened at least four dozen people in New Jersey, New York and Montgomery County was believed to have been also found at a city Taco Bell. Green onions shipped to Taco Bell restaurants through a Burlington City warehouse are the leading suspect in the search for the source of E. coli contamination, health officials said." (H/T - The Philadelphia Inquirer)

Okay, I am no scientist, and I don't play one on TV, but I believe that many cases of E. coli erupts as a result of folks not washing their hands after they take their morning "sit down." So, to whomever is poking through their T.P. while making a B.M., maybe you can wash your hands P.D.Q.! O.K.?

The St. Louis Cardinals

With all due respect to The Man, the Cards are really pissing me off. Why? Because they are reportedly interested in signing Barry "U.S." Bonds. (The "U.S." stands for "Uses Steroids.") The Cardinals are a very good organization with a winning attitude; why bother signing a man who is at best described as a cancer in the locker room? Look, every Major League Baseball team is allowed one a-hole per club, and since the Cards already have Albert "Waaa! I should be the league MVP" Pujols, there is no place on their roster for Mr. Injection.

Britney Spears

Spears, America's favorite skank, stated that she went "a little too far" when she exited her vehicle sans panties at a recent whore-fest. The paparazzi captured the moment for posterity, and published the photos of Britney's cooter for all the world to see. I'm sorry, can I say "cooter" on the air? Cripes, you could see her kidneys! The 25-year old white trash mother of two tried to explain away the gaffe by telling her fans, "It's been so long since I've been out on the town with friends." Um, Britney, I don't get out all that much, either, but I usually remember to put on some underwear!

Oh, and in polite society, unbuttoning a strategically placed blouse button is considered going "a little too far." Flashing your vagina in front of dozens of photographers is considered foreplay.

Bah Humbug!

Is it okay to say "I hate Christmas" yet?

This frakkin' thing to the left is the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. For the childless in the audience, this means nothing. For those of us with toddlers, this toy is The Devil Itself! Allow me to explain.

The Disney Channel runs an animated program entitled "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse." I have watched the show a few times with Erik, my two-year old, and I must admit, it's pretty good for what it is. The rat bastards at Disney must realize this as well, because they released - just in time for the birth of Christ - a toy version of the television clubhouse, and all of the characters in the show in action figure form.

Once Erik saw this in the Sears catalog, it was over. Mom and Dad needed to obtain this product immediately, even if we had to leave a path of mutilated corpses in our wake. Okay, I'm all up for that. Unfortunately, this blasted contraption appears to be this year's Tickle Me Elmo. You cannot find this thing anywhere! The missus even left a message on the Sears website asking to be informed when it escapes its "Out of Stock" purgatory. Every time we get an e-mail alert, we rush to the site, only to find out again it is sold out. Frakkers!

I have used most of the tools at my disposal to procure one in time for Christmas. Hell, I even have my friend Kevin scouring the streets of Arizona looking for one to no avail. We want this thing pretty badly, but not badly enough to pay upwards of $70 on eBay. I mean, the thing usually sells for $39.99; I love my son, but come on!

As it stands, we will probably not have it for Erik on the 25th. Luckily for us, his third birthday is on February 9th, so maybe I can wrangle one up by then.

The Yummy Report

While watching Dumb and Dumber last night, I realized something:
I really like Lauren Holly.

Support Your Local Blogs

Just a few things that caught my eye while surfing the blogosphere:

Captain Den went on a tear yesterday. You name it, he ripped it. (Eyes welling up.) The lad reminds me of me when I was a young blogger.

Like our good friend Insolublog, Dave at Garfield Ridge is having a very bad week. When the funniest blogger on the 'net threatens to hang it up (again), I wonder if I should do the same.

The good people at Prison Break Central have posted twice today. Once about a tragic car accident, and once about their sidebar friends. Linkage is good, kids!

Peakah is hosting a golf outing. Okay, it's a fantasy golf outing, but an outing nonetheless. Jump aboard! That is, if you think you can beat me.

"Philly's Finest" Work In Squalor

And you thought thugs with guns were the Philadelphia Police's biggest health issue:

Conditions inside Philadelphia's police facilities are deplorable for officers and criminals alike, according to a report released yesterday by the City Controller's Office. Inspections of 24 police districts found all of them in various states of decay and poor maintenance.

Really? Wow. I am shocked and appalled. (Sarcasm off.)

"I find it unconscionable that thousands of Philadelphia police officers - who risk their lives every day to protect the citizens of this city - should be forced to work in conditions that are at least substandard, and dangerous in many instances," Controller Alan Butkovitz said.

Strangely enough, the Mayor and Police Commissioner's offices are in MUCH better shape.

His office found structural problems in two police buildings - one housing the Second and 15th Districts at Harbison Avenue and Levick Streets in Northeast Philadelphia, and the other the 92d District, on Lincoln Drive at Gypsy Lane in Fairmount Park. The building on Levick Street had cracking walls, floors and ceilings. The 92d District building had, among other problems, a floor sagging so badly that a conference room had to be locked to prevent anyone from entering, out of fear the floor would collapse.

Our illustrious mayor said he is working on the problem. Unfortunately, his solution is to hire a few more janitors and custodians, while some buildings are falling down around the officers. It's like putting a Band-Aid on a gunshot wound. Oh well, at least I'll have a huge lawsuit in a few years when I get asbestos poisoning.

(H/T - The Philadelphia Inquirer)

A Date Which Will Live In Infamy

65 years ago today, Japanese warplanes attacked the U.S. Naval Base at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii.

Of 8 American battleships in the harbor, the attack resulted in 1 destroyed, 2 sunk at their moorings, 1 capsized, 1 beached and 3 damaged but afloat. With the exception of the Arizona (destroyed), all the others were refloated or righted and 6 (Nevada, West Virginia, Tennessee, Maryland, California and Pennsylvania) were repaired and returned to service. While the Oklahoma, which had capsized, was righted, she was never repaired. Additionally, the attack severely damaged 9 other warships, destroyed 188 aircraft, killed 2,403 American servicemen, and 68 civilians. (H/T - Wikipedia)

Just as we should never forget the September 11th attacks, we should never forget the attack of December 7th, 1941. And, in the same vein, we should never let our country become as vulnerable as we did on those two tragic days.

James Baker: Idiot

I'll tell ya, this Iraq Panel has some really terrific ideas: talk, then get the hell out:

WASHINGTON (AP) - The United States faces a "grave and deteriorating" situation after three years of war in Iraq, a high-level commission warned bluntly on Wednesday, recommending enhanced diplomacy to stabilize the country and hopefully permit the withdrawal of most combat troops by early 2008.

Believe it or not, I agree. We're not trying to win this thing, anyway, so we might as well fold up shop.

The report called for the administration to try to engage Syria and Iran in diplomacy as part of an effort to bring stability to Iraq - even though Bush has said previously he would not negotiate with either country.

Brilliant! We should talk to Syria and Iran. You remember them, right? They're the guys funneling in terrorists and militia personnel into Iraq to destabilize the country and kill American soldiers. Then, after we leave, they can swoop in and take over. Good plan, James!

(H/T - AP)

We Can't Afford To Leave???

In the most shocking revelation since the November elections, the incoming Democratic chairman of the House Intelligence Committee - now, there's a contradiction in terms - is calling for adding troops in Iraq.

Dec. 5. 2006 - In a surprise twist in the debate over Iraq, Rep. Silvestre Reyes, the soon-to-be chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, said he wants to see an increase of 20,000 to 30,000 U.S. troops as part of a stepped up effort to “dismantle the militias.”

Wait a minute! I thought the Democrats' national campaign strategy was to convince Americans that our troops needed to come home right away. Isn't this war unwinnable?

The soft-spoken Texas Democrat was an early opponent of the Iraq war and voted against the October 2002 resolution authorizing President Bush to invade that country. That dovish record got prominently cited last week when Speaker-designate Nancy Pelosi chose Reyes as the new head of the intelligence panel.

Reyes voted against the war, but now is calling for more troops? Hmm . . . sounds like a flip-flop to me.

“We’re not going to have stability in Iraq until we eliminate those militias, those private armies,” Reyes said. “We have to consider the need for additional troops to be in Iraq, to take out the militias and stabilize Iraq … We certainly can’t leave Iraq and run the risk that it becomes [like] Afghanistan” was before the 2001 invasion by the United States.

Gee, where have I heard that before? Oh I know, PRESIDENT BUSH HAS BEEN SAYING THAT SINCE THE INVASION BEGAN!!!

(H/T - MSNBC.com)