In Search Of . . .

Yesterday, SYLG had 330 hits!!! This is (by far) the greatest amount of visitors ever to stop by this abortion of a blog. Most of the credit goes to RFTR, who linked my Miss North Dakota post while posting at Blogs4Bauer. A lot of credit also goes to the good folks in Finland - which is quickly becoming my home away from home - who link my Kiira Korpi babe post. And, of course, my regulars always throw in more than their share. Thank you all.

Last night, as Rachel was clicking through my Site Meter - she's working feverishly on an updated template for this old blog - and found some really bizarre searches that led folks here. To wit:

* SYLG is the third most popular Google search for "Talladega Alabama Gentlemen's Club." For the record, I have never been to Talladega - but would love to see a NASCAR race there - and I certainly wouldn't go to their local gentleman's club. Too many rednecks, too few teeth.

* SYLG is the eighth most popular Google search for "Nudie videos." Cripes, you write one post about Jessica Simpson's alleged "Giggity!" tape, and you're branded a pervert for life!

* SYLG is the ninth most popular Google search for "Fatty McButterpants." Hey! I told you guys I was losing weight!!! Now, where did I put my Ring Dings?

* And last, but not least, SYLG is the seventh most popular Google search for "Kiira Korpi hot." Finally, a search result I can be proud of! My picture of this hot Finnish figure skating lass keeps garnering hits from Scandinavia. And why not? Take a look at her!

One Final Blogiversary Post

With a tiny bit of help from yours truly, Pandy received 60 some hits on her blog yesterday. I take little to no credit, but I wanted to thank all of you for stopping by her place anyway. That being said, I also realized I was a little too nice in that last post. This cannot stand. I have a 100% Evil reputation to uphold. Heh.

Top Ten Ways Pandy Celebrated Her Blogiversary

10. She threw her computer into the Venice Canal.
9. Seven straight hours of The Wonder Pets!
8. Beat her Italian Telecomm rep to death with a princess phone.
7. Verbally abused her husband . . . again.
6. Shaved her head . . . then her legs and armpits.
5. Had bacon for breakfast. Wrapped in bacon.
4. Did 200 shots of Orange Fanta.
3. Broke open her Wyatt pinata. Twinkies for everyone!
2. Got a "Baby On Board" tattoo on her belly.

And the #1 way Pandy celebrated her blogiversary is . . .

1. Mating in captivity!

Wyatt's Wisdom Nuggets

It's Tuesday. Pandy is celebrating a blogoversary, I'm caught up on 24 and Prison Break, and when I stepped on the scale, it read 221. Whoo frakkin' hoo!!! Here's your weekly dose of wisdom.

Wyatt's Wisdom Nugget #9: The first sign that America is going to hell is when the top five finalists for the Miss America Pageant are redneck southerners.

Happy Panda-versary!

Two years ago today, something wicked this way came. It has been a pox upon both the English language and the blogosphere in general. The architect of this diabolical blog is a former soldier with a very bad attitude. In short, this evil takes the form of a size three, tattooed, usually pregnant, minx whose sole vocabulary is made up of “sentence enhancers.”

But I just call her Pandy.

What Panda? debuted on January 30, 2005 with the force of Hurricane Katrina, and it hasn’t stopped since. In her two years of blogging, Pandy has changed templates 258 times, changed her hair color/style 47 times, and changed her blog name 18 times – although I actually know her real first name. Don’t worry, Pandy, I’m not telling.

Of course, when you get past the tough exterior and the less-than-welcoming templates, you find real gold. For this Panda, born and bred in semi-captivity, has a lot to say.

And you should be reading it.

You should be reading about how her husband (Sparky) made the selfless decision to begin another tour with the Army, even though it would move their ever-growing family to Italy. And no, Pandy doesn't speak a word of Italian. Well, she probably knows Italian "sentence enhancers," but that's all.

You should be reading about the time she stated her intention to run for President in 2012, her first year of eligibility. You should be reading about her new sidebar edition - an American Cancer Society Awareness Badge - which she is asking her friends to add to their blogs. And you should be reading about the pride she feels while serving her country . . . even if she gets a little dirty while doing it.

But most of all, you should be reading What Panda? because unlike some bloggers (read: me), she doesn't pimp herself out for Site Meter hits. She writes for herself, and if people read, they read. If they don't, they don't. That's her style; her charm. A style and charm that should get a lot more exposure, because it is a crime when a blogger of her caliber has a mere 8,769 hits in two years.

It would be great if y'all stopped by her place and wished her a Happy Panda-versary!

There She Isn't . . .

The Miss America Pageant is scheduled for tonight, and while I cannot tell you who will win the crown, I have a pretty good idea of who will not: Miss North Dakota, Annette Olson.

Personally, I think her chances of losing are as plain as the nose on her face. HA!

Fidel Castro: Party Animal

"F" Castro. I absolutely agree.

It's official: Miami is hosting the world's first "Death Kegger!"

"MIAMI - The city of Miami is planning an official celebration at the Orange Bowl whenever Cuban president Fidel Castro dies.

Discussions by a committee appointed earlier this month by the city commission to plan the event have even covered issues such as a theme to be printed on T-shirts, what musicians would perform, the cost and how long the celebration would last." - (H/T - Yahoo! News)

If the committee is looking for any more party ideas, I think I have a few . . .

* Play soccer with his dismembered head.

* Set him on fire and use him to light Cuban cigars for the first 2,000 attendees.

* Vote him into the baseball Hall of Fame, yet keep Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds out.

* Stick a pole up Castro's arse, and parade his corpse around the stadium like a giant puppet.

Do you have any more ideas? Submit them in the comments section, and we'll forward them to the city of Miami.

Weekend Caption Contest

Since The Man folded up shop at GOP and the City, I thought I could help keep some of his ideas going. The Weekend Caption Contest is right up my alley, well, because it doesn't require all that much work. Hopefully, The Man will give me his blessing. If not, where's he gonna bitch about it now? Heh.

Caption this picture in the comments section - Photoshops are also welcome, too, but I'll have to work at posting them since I am a big, dumb guy - and I'll announce the winners on Monday.

Other Current Caption Contests:

Pay Heed to the Geek
Cowboy Blob

Top Ten Entries:

10. "Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever had that 'unfresh' feeling?" - Dragon Lady
9. "Nancy, looks like it's down to you and me for the World Speed-Blinking Championship!" - AJ Lynch
8. Maliki: :You think he'll make the cut on American Idol?" - John Pangia
7. "Quite frankly, if we're playin' rock-scissors-paper, I got both you guys beat." - Uncle Ray
6. Pelosi: "Gentlemen, allow me to state my plan for the future of Iraq." Maliki: "Hey, stop blinking so much. What is it morse code or something?" - RT
5. "Skip the hijab, Bro. Get her a brown paper bag!" - Cowboy Blob
4. "Hey, the Blue Oyster is right down this alley." - Randal Graves
3. "Someone please find me a woman that looks like a woman. Like Janet Reno." - Redneck
2. - Serr8d

1. In a series of bad remakes, the release of the new Mod Squad . . . - Deathlok

A Gump I Will Miss

An NHL legend has passed away.

MONTREAL (AP) -- Gump Worsley, the Hall of Fame goalie who didn't wear a mask until the final season of his 21-year NHL career, has died. He was 77.

Worsley, who died Friday at his home in Beloeil, had a heart attack Monday, The Montreal Gazette said Saturday night.

The 5-foot-7 Worsley began his NHL career in 1952-53, winning the Calder Trophy as the rookie of the year with the New York Rangers. He helped his hometown Montreal Canadiens win four Stanley Cup titles in a five-year span and finished his career with the Minnesota North Stars in 1973-74 -- playing only his final six games with a mask. (H/T - Yahoo! Sports)

Playing goalie without a mask. That takes some major wontons.

4 Things I Hate About Me

I am always amazed when someone compliments me or the blog. Sure, I put a lot of effort into this nonsense, but I never think people are enjoying it. I am my harshest critic, and I guess that's one of my millions of psychological problems. You'd think the police department would screen for that, wouldn't ya? Heh. So, in accord with another blustery day, I give you another self-deprecating blog post.

4 Things I Hate About Me

1. I seriously lack confidence. Despite my self-assured demeanor, I have about as much confidence in my abilities as Oprah does in her ability to stop eating Yodels. This is never more prevalent then when I am on the ice rink. Vinnie and Badger tell me all the time that I "panic" when I accept a pass, then shoot it or pass it away almost immediately. They're right. And it really irks me.

2. I never sugarcoat an issue. If someone wants an opinion, I am going to give it to them; damn the consequences. I figure, that if they don't want the truth, they shouldn't ask me. It has cost me a lot of friends, but if nothing else, they know they are getting the truth. I could always sugarcoat an issue to save someone's feelings, but there's nothing I hate more than hypocrites. I'd like to be "less honest" but I don't think I could do it.

3. I have a seriously short fuse. Maybe it's the Irish in me. Maybe it's the Slovak in me. Either way, my patience with the human race runs thin. I have little time for morons and their stupid questions. I have no time for people who don't belong on Earth - which, to me, is most people. Ironically, the only place where I don't explode at the drop of a hat is during a hockey game. So far this year, I have one penalty.

4. I will hold a grudge for years. There are people who were close friends of mine in high school that I have not and will not ever talk to again. The same holds true for college. Our last hockey team - the scumbags who abandoned Badger, Fish, Vinnie, and I at the start of the season - are dead to me. Some people say that life is too short to hold grudges. I say life is too short to waste with people who sold you out. But that's just me.

So, can anyone refer me to a good psychiatrist?

Another Win For The Hippies

I posted about this lawsuit on Labor Day. I'm surprised it took this judge so long to reach a decision when his fellow hippies were involved. Read on.

"(CBS 3) PHILADELPHIA - A judge has ruled that Philadelphia's jails are so overcrowded and conditions so poor that inmates' constitutional rights are being violated and the jails must again be put under federal monitoring.

U.S. District Judge R. Barclay Surrick issued a scathing 76-page ruling on Thursday in which he ordered the city to immediately provide prisoners with clean cells, toilets, showers, beds and medical attention.

Eleven prisoners filed suit last year with the help of David Rudovsky, a University of Pennsylvania law professor who filed a similar suit 35 years ago." (H/T - KYW.com)

I read that one of those prisoners has been locked up over 22 times from everything like aggravated assault to gun charges. But, for God's sake, we should make sure his constitutional rights aren't violated! The irony of all of this is that the University of Pennsylvania is deep in the heart of Southwest Division, where shootings and homicides are common. I wonder how this toad Rudovsky would feel if this particular inmate shot him or one of his students?

People I Hate

It's Friday, and that means it's PIH day. Gentlemen, start your bile!

CAIR

Ah, yes, The Council on American-Islamic Relations. Where would this country be without them? Probably a lot better off. One of their idiot spokeswomen named Rabiah Ahmed was ripping 24 because the terrorists depicted are Muslims. Oh my God! Muslim terrorists? Say it isn't so! This bimbo stated that she was afraid to go to the grocery store because she wasn't sure the person next to her could differentiate between fiction and reality.

Really? Perhaps she can cite the many examples of physical backlash against the Muslim community that occur in America on a daily basis?

(Crickets.)

Does anyone see the irony here? Ms. Ahmed is afraid that the non-Muslim standing next to her in the grocery aisle may attack her because she is of a different religion.

Now you know how we feel.

Kevin Harvick

As a NASCAR fan, Kevin Harvick irks me. This no-talent punk took over the late Dale Earnhardt's car in 2001, but the only thing that has run consistently well for him since then has been his big mouth. Every time this jackass speaks, I want to punch him in the nuts.

During Tuesday's NASCAR Media Tour stop at Richard Childress Racing in Welcome, N.C., Kevin Harvick did a bit of lobbying for rival Dale Earnhardt Jr. and his on-going, drawn-out contract negotiations to remain at Dale Earnhardt Inc., after this season, taking a direct shot at Little E's stepmother and primary DEI owner.

"I think it's hard when you have what I call a deadbeat owner that doesn't come to the racetrack," Harvick said. "You always see Rick Hendrick, Richard Childress, Chip Ganassi and all these other owners, and they all come to the racetrack. (H/T - Yahoo! Sports)

I am by no means a big Theresa Earnhardt fan, but Harvick's comments were way out of line. And after his average showing last season, maybe Harvick should be worrying about his own team, instead of someone else's.

Game Review: Scarface

My lovely wife gave me the PS2 videogame Scarface: The World is Yours for Christmas. I mean what screams the birth of Christ better than Tony Montana, right? It's been a month now, and in the middle of work, family, blogging, and hockey, I finally scored time to play it.

Damn.

Think of STWIY as Grand Theft Auto on a coke binge. The game play is about the same, and the graphics - at least on the PS2 - are spot on. The voice talent playing Tony Montana does a pretty good impersonation, but I almost fell of the chair while playing the tutorial. What sets STHIY apart is the dialogue: it's filthy! During a training mode, I shot up a few fellow dealers, while my character yelled, "You f**king cock-a-roaches!" While vastly entertaining to a movie buff like myself, it was not exactly what I needed to hear while my six-year old was upstairs.

Suffice to say, when play the game during waking hours, I had the volume down. STWIY combines fast, gun-toting action with an original storyline, and has the temerity to throw heaping helpings of blood. It's not for everyone, but for many of my morbid readers, it's a winner.

Sucking Up All The "New"

You'll never guess where I'm posting from?

THE "NEW" BLOGGER!

That's right, kiddies, I have now been deemed worthy enough to sit at the altar of the New. Some of the new features are weird and scary to me, but I'm sure I'll manage. Believe me, I will be boring everyone to death in no time.

Oh, and for the the record; while I was switching to the "New" Blogger, some of the commenting features were disabled. This was no fault of my own, even though our new friend, Mr. "I Hate Wyatt And All Republicans" Rzklkng thought I was running scared from his wrath. Actually, he called my actions - which were really the actions of Blogger - "Absolutely Shamefull." (Yes, he misspelled shameful.)

Relax, pal, it's just a stupid blog. All are welcome here, even trolls.

Let Sleeping Dems "Lie"

I just bet her favorite artist is Henry Rollins.

Remember when Nancy (Bella) Pelosi took over as Speaker of the House and said these unforgettable words?

"I accept this gavel in the spirit of partnership, not partisanship."

Remember when I wrote that she was a lying sack of crap? Well, when you're right, you're right. Read on.

WASHINGTON - In a calculated snub of President Bush, the Democratic-controlled Senate Foreign Relations Committee dismissed plans for a troop buildup in Iraq on Wednesday as "not in the national interest" of the United States.

"The president has made his decision," Vice President Dick Cheney fired back, a response that made it clear the administration would go ahead anyway. "We need to get the job done."

The committee vote, 12-9 along party lines, capped hours of debate in which Republicans and Democrats vented their frustration and anger — both with the administration and their own past unwillingness to change the course of a war that has claimed the lives of more than 3,000 U.S. troops. (H/T - Yahoo! News)

If this is the Democrats' idea of partnership, I'd rather work alone.

I Am Simply The Tick

One of my all-time favorite scenes from one of my all-time favorite cartoons. Enjoy!

Man-O-War

The effects of The Man's semi-retirement are powerful and long-reaching. From coast to coast, folks are talking about the end of GOP and the City, the end of Weekend Caption Contests, and the end of snide remarks aimed at racist Representative Charles Barron. In fact, the announcement has set off a series of cataclysmic events . . .

Top Ten Effects of The Man's Retirement

10. Al Gore blamed the decision on global warming.
9. The St. Louis Cardinals will wear mourning crepes while bedding groupies.
8. Philadelphia's sports teams lost the will to win.
7. Britney Spears started wearing granny panties.
6. GOP and College is now the new favorite son.
5. Howard Dean was caught performing another scream.
4. Sssteve shaved "The Man Rules" in his back hair.
3. Nancy Pelosi got another boob job.
2. Michelle Malkin will have to lust after another blogger . . . probably a portly Philly detective.

And the number one effect of The Man's retirement is . . .

1. His sister called him a "douche."

The "Den" Of Despair

Today was Captain Den's promotional examination. I happened to catch him when I got home from work, and asked, "Hey, how'd you do?" He looked at me and said, "I'll come down later and we'll have a beer." Anyone who knows Denny knows that it wasn't good news.

So, in an effort to cheer him up, I figured I'd post some babe-age for him, in the form of Salma Hayek.

GOP And The City (2004-2007)

If you are looking for the funny, look somewhere else today. My name is Wyatt Earp, and today is the worst day of my life. Why? I'll tell you . . .

The Man is shutting down GOP and the City.

I am hoping this is a joke, but I fear it is not. That's not his style.

For two and a half years, The Man has been the gold standard of the blogosphere. And despite the title, GOP and the City covered almost every topic, and did so with a surprising mix of humor and wit rarely found on your average blog. His weekend caption contests were always the high point of my week, and I have been lucky enough to even win a few.

As far as bloggers go, The Man has pretty much done it all. He took MoveOn.org to task for their doctored Iraq photo, exposed idiots like Scott Harper, and was the guest of a radio show in his hometown, all while rooting for his St. Louis Cardinals and Tennessee Volunteers. On top of that, he was the driving force behind Blogs4Bauer, whose popularity is officially out of control.

While I have never met The Man, I owe him a debt that can never be repaid. He was kind enough to link my first blog on his sidebar, even though I was just some moron rookie blogger. After I quit the first blog, he remained supportive, and was the first blogger to link SYLG in June, 2005. Since then, he invited me to become a co-contributor at B4B, which was truly an honor, and always drops a comment or two at my place. It sounds bizarre, but I consider him a friend.

The Man is not deleting GOP and the City, so if you haven't visited in a while - or worse yet, never read his stuff - take a moment and stop by. You will not be disappointed. And while you're there, take a second and wish him well. We won't have another one like him for quite some time.

A true giant of the blogosphere has left the building, and the world is a little worse off because of it.

Anonymous Fighter Post

When you live so close to a Naval Air Station, sometimes you get to see some pretty cool sights. Here are four F-16 Falcons flying over Casa de Wyatt before the Eagles game two weeks ago.

Wyatt's Wisdom Nuggets

Who's ready for some wisdom? Too bad. It's already halfway there.

Wyatt's Wisdom Nugget #8: No matter how much alcohol a woman may drink, Sssteve will still be a goofy, gangly, Sasquatch covered with ton of back hair!

Sssteve . . . it begins.

An "Arresting" Video

Here's a terrific video detailing a day in the life of your average Philadelphia police detective. That's right; this is what I do for a living. Enjoy!

Evil Thoughts

"Evil thoughts, all the time." - Charles The Brainchild, The Tick.

Every so often, someone says to me, Wyatt, you're such a nice person. Stuff like that really gets my goat. I mean, I was once found to be 100% Pure Evil! In response to such ludicrous statements, I am christening a new semi-regular feature: Evil Thoughts. A cornucopia of crotchety thoughts running around inside my dark, dark mind.

* There's a gaudy memorial to a woman who was killed in an auto accident on the road to our local ice rink. It was a billboard adorned with pictures, stuffed animals, and tons of other useless crap designed to distract you while you're driving. Personally, these memorials are a joke: isn't that what cemeteries are for? Anyway, while driving Kyle to skating on Sunday, we passed the memorial, which was destroyed. How, you ask? A vehicle slammed into it after an auto accident! I just laughed and laughed and laughed . . .

* As if it wasn't funny enough that a Philadelphia firehouse burned down two weeks ago? Late last week, the very same station (Engine 73) caught fire again while workers were making repairs. Now, that's my idea of comedy!

* Did anyone else giggle when the Saints' "feel good story" was unceremoniously ended by a Chicago Bears whitewash yesterday? Better luck next year, floodies! HA!

Ah, I'm going to Hell.

Blades Of Steel

The greatest joy a father can experience is sharing an interest with his son. Yesterday, I took Kyle to my “happy place” – the ice rink – for the first time. He has been dying to get on the ice and skate, and it was our first opportunity to lace ‘em up. I rented a pair of skates for him – hockey skates to boot, not those lame figure skates – but since it was his first time, I also grabbed a little help in the form of a metal walker. A lot of the young kids use them to prop themselves up while they skate around.

Kyle must have thought that was lame, since he never used it.

Surprisingly, he picked it up fairly quickly. I grabbed his hand, and we made performed countless laps around the rink. He never held on to the boards, and only fell down a few times. Two non-stop hours later, the public skating session ended, and he stopped smiling for the first time all day. We stopped by the snack bar for soft pretzels and Gatorade, while he bombarded me with questions like, “When can we go again?” “When can I join a hockey team?” and “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?”

It was a good day.

Skate Or Die!

The only drawback to my day skate with Kyle (see above post) was that I was exhausted when we finally got home. My back hurt from crouching, and my feet hurt from my damned new Nike skates. (Note to self: break them in first!) Luckily, there was no time for bitching, because my hockey team had a game last night against one of the top teams in the league, Team 22.

It only took a moment to refresh our memory of this squad. They were comprised of a handful of decent players, a few scrubs, and one guy who had absolutely no business being in a “C” league. This guy should have been moved up months ago. He pretty much skated circles around Badger and Randal, two of our best skaters, and scored three goals.

We came back after a brutal first period to play well for the last two. After I posted the sidebar picture of Emma Laaksonen, Vinnie went out and scored a goal while assisting on another. Thus, I have decided to leave her up for his good luck. I played okay, and added an assist on a goal in the second period. As we approached the end of the third period, we were losing by a score of 6-5. We pulled our goalie, and got a few chances with the extra attacker, but couldn’t put them in. Final score: 6-5.

There’s no rest for the weary, as our next game is Tuesday night at 10:40pm.

Peyton Place

It's about time.

INDIANAPOLIS (AP) -- A comeback, a drive, a legacy. And, yes -- finally -- Peyton Manning gets his Super Bowl trip. So does Tony Dungy.

Football's most prolific quarterback put on a show for the ages Sunday, rallying the Indianapolis Colts from 18 points down and driving them 80 yards for the winning score in a wildly entertaining 38-34 victory over the New England Patriots.

In his nine years in the league, Manning has never played in a game like this AFC championship contest. He threw for 349 yards and one touchdown and brought his team back from a 21-3 deficit, the biggest comeback in conference title-game history. (H/T - Yahoo! Sports)

I feel badly for those Massachusetts fans, though. BAWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

BSG: Back On Track

Lucy Lawless as a Cylon? Good choice!

Battlestar Galactica returns with new episodes tonight, gang! Note the new day and time: Sundays at 10pm (Eastern).

When we last left our heroes - and anti-heroes - both the Galactica and the Cylon fleet were orbiting the algae planet. There is a stalemate, because the mythical Eye of Jupiter - allegedly a beacon to Earth - has been found, and both races want it. Adama threatened to nuke the planet - with his son on it - if the Cylons attempted a landing. The final scene showed Cylon heavy raiders enroute as Galactica was arming their nuclear weapons. NICE!

When President Roslin asked Adama what he was doing, he gave one of the greatest lines in the entire series:

"I'm preparing to nuke the planet."

Tonight is gonna be great!

Cankles Aweigh!

Set your faces to "stunned."

NEW YORK - Democratic Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton launched a trailblazing campaign for the White House on Saturday, a former first lady turned political powerhouse intent on becoming the first female president. "I'm in, and I'm in to win," she said.

Does anyone realize what a dopey comment this is? I mean, there are so many people who put their time and effort into not winning, right? Idiot.

In a videotaped message posted on her Web site, Clinton said she was eager to start a dialogue with voters about challenges she hoped to tackle as president — affordable health care, deficit reduction and bringing the "right" end to the Iraq war.

In The Hill-dabeast's eyes, the "right end" to the Iraq war would be the humiliating defeat of our armed forces, immediately before President Bush's impeachment.

"I'm not just starting a campaign, though, I'm beginning a conversation with you, with America," she said. "Let's talk. Let's chat. The conversation in Washington has been just a little one-sided lately, don't you think?" (H/T - Yahoo! News)

Oh please, Hillary, come chat with me, a lowly police detective. I know that is exactly how you want to spend your day. "A Conversation With America." This is her great plan? You have got to be kidding me.

Somewhere, Barack Obama is peeing his pants in laughter.

Dribble Glass

Nothing but cart!

My family has always been one that is sports-based. My mother is a militant Eagles fan, and my father encouraged us to play as many sports as time would allow. This theory trickled down to my two sons. Kyle (6) has already played organized t-ball and soccer, and plays street hockey, lacrosse, and football in his free time. He wanted to sign up for basketball, and despite the fact that I don't care much for the sport, I wanted him to be exposed to everything, so he could see what he enjoys. His first practice for the "Grey Tigers" was last night.

His first game of the season was today.

Games are held in his school gym, and we arrived early. Kyle was wearing his grey t-shirt which sports the number 24 - Dad's old hockey number. With only thirty minutes of practice, I knew I wouldn't be watching Duke/North Carolina, but at least it would be entertaining.

It was pandemonium.

Imagine right six-year olds playing four-on-four for the first time. There was no dribbling, tons of fouls, and little scoring. Thankfully, the coaches and the referee kept control and helped the kids along. Kyle started, and played forward. His team got the ball first, and as they marched up the court, Kyle received his first pass, and immediately shot the ball. Off the rim, no good. They turned to ball over, and Kyle's team went on defense. Kyle was guarding the other teams' best shooter, and did a pretty good job. Obviously, his defense transferred fairly well from soccer.

In the end, the Grey Tigers lost the game, 4-2 - three baskets all game - and Kyle didn't score. He did have seven shots - he's a chucker! - and five of them bounced of the rim, but I was more proud of his defense. He had three steals and one block. Personal stats aside, he had a lot of fun, and that's really the point of the game.

A Birthday Gift For Captain Den

The first five minutes of The Beast. I love this movie!

People I Hate

It’s Friday, so you know what that means: it’s time for another edition of People I Hate. Bon apetit.

Mike Nifong

As a former lacrosse player and current high school lacrosse coach, Durham County, North Carolina district attorney Mike Nifong holds a special place in PIH lore. Nifong was the lead prosecutor in the Duke Lacrosse rape case until last week, when he recused himself amidst charges of ethics violations and misconduct.

The case started to self-destruct rather quickly, as the victim changed her story time after time, but Nifong kept charging like a pit bull after a Milk-Bone. The Democrat was up for re-election – he won – but did not drop the rape charges until eight months later. Then in December, Nifong allegedly made “improper comments” to reporters covering the case, and failed to tell the defense that DNA from four unidentified men was found on the victim’s body and underwear. To quote Marissa Tomei from My Cousin Vinny: “It’s called disclosure, ya dickhead!”

Nifong will now have to appear at a hearing in May, where he may be disbarred. In my opinion, it would be a fitting end to a man who almost gleefully ruined three young men’s lives.

Jill Porter

The uber-liberal columnist from The Philadelphia Daily News – she makes Helen Thomas look like a neo-con - has a story today explaining how if a mentally ill person charges police with a weapon, care and understanding should be the only defense.

“Charles Kelley is one of three people shot by Philadelphia police in the past three weeks, a stunning development in and of itself.”

Because officers are always looking for someone to shoot, right Jill?

“Kelley had broken into several City Hall offices and was later confronted by police after he broke a window at the Robert N. C. Nix Federal Building at 9th and Market Streets. When he lunged at them with a knife, and failed to be stopped by two tasers, police shot him.”

Gee, sorry, Jill, but the officers used non-lethal force, and it didn’t work. Would rather be writing about a murdered cop? Oh, never mind, you probably would.

Porter finishes up with “[T]hat’s too late for Charles Kelley and others, whose only crime was that they were sick.” That’s just like Jill the Shrill; typical second-guessing pabulum from someone who has never had to make a life or death decision in an instant.

"Idol" Chatter

Well, last night was the "fabulous" premier of yet another dreadful season of American Idol. I am not a fan of the show, but if I told everyone I never watched it, no one would believe me.

That being said, I have never watched the show.

Of course, due to its puzzling popularity, I have seen a few clips here and there, especially when the missus is frying her brain during the program. Last night was one of those nights.

I was getting ready for bed, and Simon was berating a red-headed guy - and I use that term very flamboyantly - who could have been Carrot Top's dumber, trashier brother. Unfortunately, I missed this idiot's performance, but I was lucky enough to hear him proclaim how talented he thought he was.

And the only thing that kept running through my mind was, "God, is every contender on this program as gay as a French horn?" I wasn't sure which bothered me more; the fact that he made Liberace seem like Clint Eastwood, or that he was talking "street" with a lisp! Somehow I just cannot fear a man who is trying to verbally beyotch slap Simon Cowell with one hand on his hip.

Maybe I am relying too much on appearances, but it seems that homosexual males gravitate toward this show like Paris Hilton to a Free Clinic. I am not necessarily looking for Alpha males who chew tobacco and chug beers, but maybe if there were a few more of them, every other guy in the competition wouldn't be saddled with the Clay "He's Gotta Be Gay" Aiken moniker. And that, from my warped point of view, is the trouble with American Idol. Out of the thousands of performers who sign up for this abuse, maybe 95 percent of the males are charter members of the Judy Garland Fan Club.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Tell 'Em T-Bag Sent Ya

There are only four days left until new episodes of Prison Break, and Prison Break Central will be all over it like Simon Cowell on a copy of The Wizard of Oz. So, stop on by and check out RT's latest post.

And remember, with every printed copy of PBC, you'll receive $5 off your order at any participating Shoney's!

A Humpday Caption Contest!

Wow, itÂ’s been over a year since I last held a caption contest. And it seems to work for GOP and the City and Cowboy Blob, so what the hell? Besides, any time you can make fun of the Pennsylvania State Police, it's a good day. Submit your captions in the comments section, and the winner will be announced on Friday afternoon.

Update: Here are the top ten entries:

10. As models of efficiency, the PSP are patrolling PA's roads faster than they can be built. (NMTHHC)
9. Traffic was closed for hours on the PA Turnpike today as film crews began work today on Police Academy 12. (Deathlok)
8. Apparently, just one more Krispy Kreme could hurt. (Roland)
7. "That's the last time we let Wyatt Earp borrow one of our patrol cars." (Mox Argon)
6. New speed trap is a complete success. (Dr. Phat Tony)
5. The AAA annual survey of national road conditions came out today; PA still ranked at the bottom with the worst roads. (Groovy Vic)
4. Pennsylvania's State Police are the first in the nation to attend the Buford T. Justice high speed pursuit course. (John D.)
3. Attention: It has been brought to our attention that certain officers have been drinking alcoholicbeveragess and then writing their names in wet cement, using their issued vehicles. This will not be tolerated as the misspellingss detract from law enforcement's reputation. (Dragon Lady)
2. Philly's finest sabotage Troopers highway takeover bid! (Captain Den)
1. You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in some cement in Pennsylvania. (The Man)

The Mayor Of Simpleton

Street fleecing another citizen . . . and taking her watch.

You have to hand it to Philadelphia Mayor John F. (the citizens) Street: he has a way of making people forget Ray Nagin. Check out this unbelievable story from today's Philadelphia Daily News:

Blame Philly gun violence partly on Iraq, mayor says

Wait. It gets better.

"Mayor Street said yesterday that the Iraq war is a contributing factor in the frustrating increase in gun violence and homicides on the streets of the city. Speaking to the Daily News editorial board, Street said the daily dose of violence streaming back in news reports from the Iraq battlefields has changed attitudes in the city."

Because no one was ever murdered before the Iraq war, right, moron?

"'I believe the fact that we are a country at war has something to do with the attitude of people in the streets. Let me tell you, it's not just this city. I have seen it everywhere and I've talked to people a lot about it,' Street said."

This may very well be the dumbest thing that Street has ever said. And for those of us who know the man, this is quite a bold statement. Look Johnny, if you want to blame the 406 Philadelphia homicides last year on something, maybe you should look to the liberal judges. Maybe you should blame your incompetent "crime-fighting" policies. Maybe you should blame it on your utter refusal to hire more police officers.

Or maybe you should blame the gun-toting thugs who were killing each other long before the invasion of Iraq.

24: It's Bauer-iffic!

How pathetic is it when an official contributor at Blogs4Bauer hasn't seen the second episode yet? How pathetic is it when the same official contributor just saw the first episode last night? How pathetic is it when the same official contributor can't get any runoff hits from said Bauer blog?

If you answered "very" to the above questions, welcome to my world.

Between hockey games and work, I haven't had time to watch the entire four hours yet - although I plan to be fully caught up by tonight - and as a result, I have avoided other blogs like Rosie O'Donnell avoids vegetables. I wish I were able to post, though, since B4B is up to 2,269 hits today alone.

God, how great would it be if SYLG had a hit-alanche like that?

Anyway, as you all already know, the first two hours were kickass. Jack is back with a vengeance - and a vampire fetish, obviously - while most of the new characters are solid. Of course, there has to be one really annoying character since Kim Bauer isn't around, and that honor would fall to President Palmer's sister, Sandra.

Sandra, I officially hate your pinko-commie, bleeding-heart liberal guts. Please die, a.s.a.p. Thank you.

Stupid Questions

If Nancy Pelosi promises “partnership, not partisanship” then leads the charge against the President’s new Iraq plan, does that make her a big, fat, bold-faced liar?

What exactly has Hillary Clinton, Barrack Obama, or Rudy Giuliani ever done to deserve a shot at the White House?

Who will be the lawyer that defends this lawyer?

Why would someone hire K-Fed to appear in a Super Bowl ad? What, was Erik Estrada unavailable?

Is there a better reason to see the next Fantastic Four film other than to watch Jessica Alba?

Mmm . . . invisibility!

Happy Birthday, Denny!

Denny's platoon celebrating his big day.

Captain Den of First In! - I know, he has some dumbass comment scrolled across his top header, but his blog is still entitled, "First In!" - turns 40 today. Considering the amount of hair he's lost, he doesn't look a day over 85. As with most birthday celebrations here at SYLG, Denny gets the usual royal treatment . . .

Top Ten Gift Ideas For Captain Den

10. Blog Templates for Dummies.
9. A ladder to finally take down his icicle lights.
8. A really expensive hair weave.
7. A muzzle for his neighbor's yippy dog.
6. A longer fire hose. Heh, heh, "hose."
5. New cinder blocks for the '73 Firebird on his lawn.
4. Naked pictures of Rush Limbaugh.
3. A lock of Michelle Malkin's hair.
2. A lock of Helen Thomas' back hair.

And the number one gift idea for Captain Den is . . .

1. The Harley he had to sell when his wife had kids. HA!

Wyatt's Wisdom Nuggets

It’s Tuesday, so it must be time for some heaping helpings of wisdom. Check your brains at the door.

Wyatt’s Wisdom Nugget #7: No matter how beautiful a woman may be, police pants always make female cops look dumpy.

Bruce Campbell = Funny

I just love this commercial!

Talk Like Jack Bauer Day!

Today is the first annual Talk Like Jack Bauer Day. If you don't like it, well, you better have a strong threshold for pain. I am going to post this once, and you are going to read it. Why? Because my name is Wyatt Earp, and today is the longest day of my life.

Since I get a perverse pleasure out of playing hockey - the violence is overwhelming - I was unable to watch the first two hours of 24. This is unacceptable, and I am currently "punishing" my teammates with abnormal doses of volts and amps.

My friends told me the episodes were terrific. I don't have time to listen to that nonsense. I told them I was going to make it simple: shut the hell up, or I am going to shoot them in the knee. They understood, and no one has leaked any spoilers.

In the interim, I have disposed of all forms of media in my home. The TV has been shot. The radio thought it could fly - it was wrong - and the newspapers were shredded by Chloe. Nothing and no one will stop me of reaching my goal: catching up on the first four hours of the best show on television.

Now get out of my blog before I do something you will regret.

Chalk Another One Up . . .

In the win column, that is. Our hockey team hasn't lost in five games, and we're seriously rolling. We beat Blue Dog last night by a score of 7-3, and got into a huge fight after Badger got creamed. All in all, it was a pretty good evening.

I, on the other hand, may as well hang up my skates. I suck.

I fell on my ass two times during my first shift - last time I get my skates sharpened by that guy! - I couldn't pass worth a damn, and the only decent shot I had all evening bounced off the goalie's blocker. It was pretty lame. Vinnie played well, and Fish's defense was spot-on. Badger scored on a slap shot from the point, and Randal put one in the basket as well.

Next week doesn't get any easier, as we play Team 22, who beat us in OT in our first meeting.

Off We Go, Into The Wild Nude Yonder

I don't know why everyone is always picking on the Air Force. With sergeants like this, the Iraq War would be much more popular!

Air Force Sergeant Michelle Manhart Does Playboy

And is therefore relieved of her duties.

The good looking soldier appears nude in the latest issue of the magazine in a six-page spread in uniform titled 'Tough Love'.

The California native said she hopes that the photo shoot will pave a way into an acting or modeling career. (H/T - Toxic Magazine & OtherKev)

Oh, by the way, for all of you Battlestar Galactica fans, Tricia Helfer (Cylon #6) also appears sans clothes in the issue.

Linky Dinks

Well, we survived Kyle’s first ever birthday party yesterday with a couple thousand dollars worth of home damage, three allergic reactions, and only about a dozen casualties. All in all, it was a good day. Of course, I missed the end, because I had to go to work – my first day since being violently ill. Today, we do it all again with the requisite family party, so I am a little tired.

Thankfully, my blog friends are not, and have posted some pretty interesting things. To wit:

Blogs4Bauer – where I proudly contribute – has all you need to know about the new 24 season, and Monday’s first ever Talk Like Jack Bauer Day.

RT has another limerick contest up at her place. Men from Nantucket need not apply.

Captain Den introduces us to his newest Real American Scumbag: Barbara Boxer.

The Man has a weekend caption contest that will definitely creep you out.

Uber is taking some time off. Don’t worry; she has a very good excuse.

Cowboy Blob also has a caption contest that is, well, bodacious.

Cinderella Has Left The Building

Once upon a time, a poor, downtrodden football team was gasping for its last breath. Its evil - well, not exactly evil, but a little surly - stepmother Wilma was ranting and raving that they would never make the great ball without Cinderella's injured step-sister, Donovana.

Yet, with the help of a fairy - a vicious rumor, courtesy of T.O. - godfather named Jeff Garcia, Cinderella played its very, very best. Jeff helped Cinderella pick herself up, dust herself off, and run through the royal ball's receiving line. Glass slippers or not, Cinderella's friends Brian Westbrook and Donte Stallworth would not be denied, as Cinderella stormed into the playoffs on a glorious carriage.

Once at the prince's castle in the delta, however, the dream began to fade. Through no fault of her own, Cinderella stumbled in the presence of the great prince. Her fairy godfather pulled out all of the magic he could muster, but it was all for naught. Westbrook's glass slipper shattered, and Cinderella's carriage turned into a fat pumpkin named Andy.

For yesterday was not Cinderella's day. It was the day of the prince. But fear not; this story may someday have a happy ending, and Philadelphia may live happily ever after.

Happy Birthday, Kyle!

Today is my son's sixth birthday, so I figured I had better post about it before the legions of crumb crunchers invade our home. Happy birthday, buddy!

Chloe O'Brian . . . HOT???

When the hell did this happen?

Don't forget to submit your entries to The Carnival of Bauer by Wednesday, January, 17th!

Ride The Lightning

There is an old Russian proverb that states "Revenge is a dish best served cold." A few days ago, Captain Den held a "Wyatt Gimmick Contest," where he openly mocked me and my chosen profession. Of course, this could not go unpunished. So, in the proud tradition of Emeril, we're about to kick it up a notch, with some more filthy half-truths.

More Filthy Half-Truths About Captain Den

* In his endless pursuit of ed-u-ma-cation, Denny failed his remedial Spanish class. On his final exam, the professor wrote in red, "D-minus. Who do you think you are!!?" No surprise here, since he couldn't learn German, even though his wife was born and raised in the Rhine Valley!

* Despite his alleged penchant for heavy metal, Denny has an affinity for Christian Rock and has seen Stryper on numerous occasions. He even runs their website: Stryper - Only God Saves More!

* Denny earned his PFD captain's bars as part of the city's affirmative action program. That's right, he filed a suit for bald applicants everywhere.

* Denny is not exactly a member of high society. He once attended a black tie gala with his trademark ensemble; a black Harley Davidson t-shirt and blue jeans.

* Denny was a tanker during his stint in the army. In fact, he was the precedent for "Don't ask, don't tell."

You're move, Denrick!

People I Hate

Editor's Note: For my new readers, PIH is a weekly feature of SYLG intended to allow me to vent my frustrations without shooting my television set. I mean, have you checked the prices of HDTV's lately?

Maybe I should go with Deathlok's Battlestar Galactica suggestion, and change the title of this post to "People I Would Like To Shoot Out Of An Airlock." This week, we have a list of real winners. To wit:

Barry Bonds

Bonds is a PIH regular, but recently he has started to overtake Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell for the scumbag lead. Check out this little nugget, courtesy of Yahoo! Sports:

"SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- Barry Bonds said he did not get amphetamines from teammate Mark Sweeney, but did not deny a report Thursday saying he tested positive for the drugs last season.

According to a story in the New York Daily News, the San Francisco slugger failed an amphetamines test in 2006. The newspaper reported that when first informed of the positive result, Bonds attributed it to a substance he had taken from Sweeney's locker.

Thursday, Bonds did not deny that but did apologize to Sweeney."

Can you believe the wontons on this toad? First he "doesn't deny" a positive amphetamine test, then when he gets caught, he tries to throw a teammate under the bus. What a piece of crap. The truly sad part of this tale is that some idiot sportswriter will cast a Hall of Fame ballot for this a-hole.

Merrill Reese

I can hear all of the Eagles fans' sphincters pucker as they read this. Reese is the radio voice of the Eagles, and does a daily "Eagles Update" on many of the local stations. A Flaming Homer, Reese screams into the mic when Philly gets a frakkin' first down. Today's update had Reese blathering about how Brian Westbrook - who would barely be a starting running back on a high school team - is one of the greatest Eagles backs ever. He actually compared Westbrook to Philly greats Steve Van Buren and Wilbert Montgomery. Unreal. Hey, Merrill; if you're going to keep broadcasting, stay off the crack.

The Writers of those Idiotic "Stomping" Movies

Have you seen the previews for this "Stomp the Yard" garbage? I mean, really, who is paying money to see this nonsense? Good writers are busting their asses to get published, but some moron pukes in a fountain pen, and Hollywood rewards them with a script deal? What is wrong with people? Every time I see a commercial for this slop, I get dumber. And believe me, I don't have the intellect to spare!

Two "Flu" Over The Cuckoo's Nest

It is now official: I am the world's most incompetent dad.

My two-year old son Erik has been sick as a dog with a terrible flu that is going around. He has been vomiting more than Kate Moss at an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. Thankfully, the missus is a stay-at-home-mom, so my life was relatively unchanged.

Last night, we got this wretched virus, too.

I woke up to her vomiting at 2am, 3am, and 6am. Besides the retching, I also had to listen to the moaning and weeping that usually accompanies a stomach virus. Hell, it ruined my REM sleep! When I was up for good at 7am, she told me that there was no way she would be able to take Kyle to school. When I mentioned I was sick as a dog, too, she said that since I had not been vomiting, I should "be a man," and suck it up.

"Being the man" is not a good role for me.

So, with four hours sleep, I have been on the go since dawn. I took Kyle to school, with his birthday cupcakes, because his birthday is on Saturday. I got home in time for the garage workers to come and install our new garage door and opener. While they were working, I was attending to the missus, keeping a watchful eye on Erik, doing three loads of laundry, cleaning the basement - where all of this magic happens - and trying to stay awake. I finished all of this by 2pm, just in time to pick up Kyle.

On top of all that, I had to call out sick for work - which I hadn't done since the summer - because I am exhausted and praying for death. The only thing missing is the vomiting, which will probably come later on tonight. If I don't get over this by Sunday night's hockey game, I am going to be uber-pissed!

So, how was your day?

Melting The Ice

It looks like Elisha Cuthbert is trying out for my Harrigan's team. Hell, she must have a better slap shot than me, and a better plus-minus than Badger, right? Besides, she could "center" a line between Vinnie and I. Heh.

And don't forget, Talk Like Jack Bauer Day is Monday, January 15th!

(H/T - Woody)

A Four Year Mission

To boldly go where no elected official has dared to go before . . . lunacy.

Just when you thought that politicians couldn't embarrass themselves further, a House rookie gives the most bizarre speech ever to grace the Capitol floor.

Today we honor an idiot of the highest order. The capo de tuti capi of nerds everywhere. I give you Representative David Wu (D-ORk)

"This president has listened to some people, the so-called Vulcans in the White House, the ideologues. But you know, unlike the Vulcans of Star Trek who made the decisions based on logic and fact, these guys make it on ideology. These aren’t Vulcans. There are Klingons in the White House. But unlike the real Klingons of Star Trek, these Klingons have never fought a battle of their own. Don't let faux Klingons send real Americans to war." (H/T - Rush)

What's next? Will we see John Kyl (R-AZ) compare the border issue to the Trade Federation's blockade of Naboo?

Yer Out!

The only way Mark McGwire is getting into the Baseball Hall of Fame is by buying a ticket.

It appears that the Baseball Writer's Association of America possesses the backbone that Major League Baseball does not. They ignored Mark "Juice" McGwire in their Hall of Fame voting yesterday. In fact, he will need 281 more votes to get into Cooperstown.

And the peasants rejoiced.

On a brighter note:

"Two men are in.

Tony Gwynn, the lifetime .338 hitter, and Cal Ripken Jr., who only played when they lined the field and let people into the ballpark, which was every day, are bystanders presumed innocent.

Many men aren't in. Goose Gossage, who came within 21 votes, Jim Rice, Jack Morris and Andre Dawson aren't. Neither is Mark McGwire, who didn't come close." (H/T - Yahoo! Sports)

The only down side to the vote is that Big Mac stole the spotlight from two deserving, humble men like Tony Gwynn, and my favorite player of all time, Cal Ripken, Jr. That they belonged in the Hall was never any doubt, since they personified everything baseball should be. In fact, their entry should be a wake-up call to the Barry Bonds' and Sammy Sosa's of the world. Nice guys sometimes finish first.

You just know he caught this pop-up.

For "The Godfather"

I am usually not big on requests, but a friend of mine begged me to post a picture of his favorite adult film star. Since this is a pseudo-family friendly blog, he's not getting smut, but I will grant him his wish.

Wyatt's Wisdom Nuggets

Today’s dose of wisdom has a theme; namely, dressing for the occasion.

Wyatt’s Wisdom Nugget #6: Always wear a chastity belt when meeting Kobe Bryant. Always wear a bulletproof vest when hunting with Dick Cheney. Always wear a life preserver when driving with Teddy Kennedy. And always bring an extra pair of underwear when partying with Britney Spears.

Google-y Eyed

I have some good news, and some bad news.

The good news is that I won the Featured Blog contest over at Philly Future. The good folks there have linked/pimped my blog all day, and I truly appreciate it. I have exactly two weeks to win over a few more readers. Of course, with my writing, I would probably need two decades.

The bad news is that while I am basking in the luxury of a link surge, Blogger decided to give me the screw-gee. When I checked Blogger today, the jerkasses at Google said that "Old Blogger" was down for maintenance, and there was no timetable for its return. Thus, I couldn't post anything at all. Okay, that's not so bad, I thought. I'll just check SYLG and see how many people have stopped by and said hello.

Except that no one could get there.

Since the Old Blogger was down, every blog that ran its crummy system was also kaput. No one could check out SYLG, even if they wanted to. I know, a world without SYLG, it sounds like a blogger's Utopia. For me, it has been a nightmare.

You see, once Google took over Blogger, the service has left a lot to be desired. I know, you get what you pay for, and Blogger is a free service, but Google is really frakking it up. After a few weeks in "Beta," the New Blogger made its debut. Users were given the choice of staying with the old, or jumping on the new. The New was too, well, "new" for me, so I hesitated. After a while, though, I realized that I would have to change sooner or later, so I tried the switch.

And it wouldn't let me.

I was getting error messages like "Thank you for your interest in the New Blogger. Unfortunately, you are too fat to use it, so SYLG can get bent." It gets worse. Blogs4Bauer, where I also contribute, passed Google's inspection, and switched. Now, I cannot post there, because I am not "with the New."

So I've got that going for me.

In the interim, many old users are given the shaft by a corporation that couldn't care less about customer service. I have been with Blogger since 2005, and have been pretty loyal, despite many of my blog friends changing blog servers. I don't know when Google will let me switch, but I hope it is soon. Until then, we will have to suffer with outages and other infuriating glitches.

Urge to kill . . . rising!

Indicative Of My Mood

It has been a good week, but overall, not the best month. What better way to vent my frustrations than to post one of my all-time favorite scenes. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in They Live. Enjoy!

Way To Roll Over, Buckeyes!

Okay, it's only halftime, but it appears that the number one ranked, undefeated Ohio State Buckeyes are folding faster than Superman on laundry day. The Florida Gators are dominating OSU, 34-14.

Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith is doing his best impersonation of Brady Quinn. Smith is 2 for 8 for 24 yards passing. Good grief, Lindsay Lohan would give a better performance . . . and do it without wearing any underpants!

Cripes, Buckeyes, show some pride!

UPDATE: Florida 41, Ohio State, 14. Nice showing by the Big Ten, eh?

No More Pucking Around

Guess who scored a goal last night?

Someone check my karma meter; something really bad must be on the horizon.

As if the weight loss news wasn't good enough, our hockey team came out fighting last night after the three-week Christmas break. Unfortunately, the 7:45pm game didn't get started until almost 8:30, since the referee and the scorekeeper were busy watching the Eagles game. Nice.

Since we had forever to warm up, I figured I'd skate a little more than usual. After stretching, I took a puck and skated/stickhandled around our zone for a few minutes, until Badger joined me for some passing drills. As we were skating, I noticed I wasn't getting as tired as usual - chalk up another benefit to losing the pounds. Finally, the ref and the bimbo scorekeeper showed up, and we were ready to roll.

As usual, Vinnie and I were playing wings on the same line, Fish and Badger were the first defensive line, and Randal was the top line right wing. Almost immediately, we scored a goal to take the early lead. Things were looking up. For a few minutes, anyway.

During the first period, our opponents took two penalties almost simultaneously. Luckily for them, our power play has been as awful as a ten hour Hot Tuna concert. Vinnie and I were on the ice for the first penalty, and watched as they scored a shorthanded goal. We were not amused. The second penalty time began right afterwards, and while Vinnie and I were cursing ourselves on the bench, they scored a second shorthanded goal. Just like that, we were down 2-1. The first period ended, and Randal skated up to the bench for some of his patented motivational speeches:

"Hey, pussies! Let's get our heads out of our asses and score some goals! "

The second period started, and Vinnie and I were on the ice. The defense cleared the puck out of our zone, and our center took it up ice. I was on the right wing, and Vinnie crashed the net. The pass came to me, but I didn't have a decent target, so I took the puck behind the net. Vinnie was at the side of the goal yelling, "In front!," but I couldn't get him a decent pass. I came out from behind the goal and backhanded a shot toward the crease, hoping for a miracle.

I got one.

The puck slid across the crease, bounced off the opposing defenseman's skate, and into the net. Wyatt scores! I never saw the puck go in, but I heard Vinnie's family screaming from the bleachers. In an uncharacteristic bout of emotion, I pumped my fist and smiled broadly. Life is good. The game was now tied. On our next shift, Badger, Vinnie, and I skated into the zone. Badger took the puck to the net, and fed a perfect pass to Vinnie, who was once again clogging the net. Vinnie took the pass and slammed it home. The good guys were now up by one, 3-2.

The rest of the game was a blur of giddy emotion. 32 Degrees scored two more goals, but Randal got them back quickly. After a hard-fought battle, we won the game by a score of 6-4. It was an overall terrific team effort, and everyone played well. We haven't lost in four straight games, and are playing our best hockey of the season. We take on The Blue Dogs on Sunday night.

Oh, I almost forgot, our sponsor, Harrigan's Pub, finally opened, and we stopped by after the game for a few adult beverages. The owner treated us like royalty, and suggested our new uniforms resemble those of Notre Dame. Ugh. Our current ones are USA jerseys as in the above picture.

Vote Or Die!

Thanks to Kate, I have been nominated for the next "Featured Blog" at Philly Future - a local blog hub for the Philadelphia area. I am running against two other bloggers, but voting is open to anyone. So, any votes would be appreciated. I am currently trailing the leader by one.

And if my humble request isn't enough to move you to the online polls, I should also mention that many of the blogs listed at Philly Future lean heavily to the left. I just figured some of us conservatives should, as they say, represent. Thanks!

P.S. - The polls close at 10pm (EST).

"LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHIN'!"

Denny, my neighborhood's reigning wiseass, thought he'd take out his "Meme Frustration" on yours truly. This, of course, cannot go unpunished. But, before I unleash hell, you may want to check out his attack post HERE.

Okay, it's a little funny, but I'm still gonna get him right quick.

Good News, Everyone!

Apparently, I am less fat now!

Here are the details. I joined a gym about two months ago, and have been going three times a week. At the same time, I am in the middle of ice hockey season, so it's not like I am sitting on a log all day. After my diabetes scare last month, I have sworn of sugary drinks, cakes, cookies . . . well, pretty much everything that tastes good. Add in the fact that I am back on Weight Watchers, and soon even a fat chump like me is bound to lose something.

When I went to the doctor's office, they weighed me in at a despicable 242. Since then, I avoided the scale for a month . . . until today. I bit the bullet this morning and hopped on. Here's what I saw:

225.

Okay, it's not terrific, but it's at least ten pounds from my December visit, so I was a little happy. About an hour later, I went outside and saw Denny in front of his house. He came down to say hi, looked at me, and said, "Dude, you have lost a lot of weight." (In fairness, he later snarked that I did it without cutting off my head.) My only response was to smile. Again, I am still in a bad place, but I can see light at the end of the Twinkie.

Ultimately, I would like to get down to about 180 by Summer - I was 190 when I entered the Police Academy - but I'll be content with getting below 200 by then. Wish me luck.

Why So Snarky, Sharky?

The Carnival of Snark #24 is up and running at Electric Venom. I mean, is there a blog carnival more suited for me? I think not. Check it out here, read my entry, and tell Venomous Kate I sent ya!

That's A Shame

I am not really an Eagles fan - friggin' Broncos - but it is always funny to see the Dallas Cowboys blow a big game. Heh, heh, "Blow" - good choice of words, since yesterday's bumbling loss to the Seattle Seahawks was one for the funny pages.

Late in the fourth quarter, with Seattle up 21-20, Cowboys immigrant kicker Martin Gramatica lined up for the possible winning field goal. Unfortunately for Martin, Cowboys pretty boy/celebrity heart-throb Tony Romo was supposed to hold for him. Romo took the snap, bobbled it, and tried in vain to run the miscue into the end zone. No shirt. No shoes, No dice.

Cowboys lose, 21-20.

As Nelson Muntz would say, "Haw, haw!"

Define Irony

Thankfully, there were no serious injuries.

"It's not everyday you see a fire in a firehouse, but that is what happened Saturday morning in West Oak Lane. Fire commissioner Lloyd Ayers says three firefighters were injured at Engine 73 at 76th and Ogontz while checking their equipment. All were taken to Einstein Medical Center:

"One of the apparatus apparently jumped out of the pump and it went into the front wall of the fire station and caused a fire. We had three injured members, one member injured directly by the vehicles, the two other members with smoke inhalation."

Two of the firefighters were released from the hospital while the third is listed in good condition.

City Managing Director Pedro Ramos:

"It's an unusual occurrence to have a fire at a firehouse but things happen. And in this case, we're very grateful as are the families of the firefighters that were in the house that at this time it appears that nobody was seriously hurt. "The firehouse garage and a few trucks were badly damaged. The fire commissioner says it seems firefighters were checking equipment and somehow, one of the trucks shifted out of gear." (H/T - KYW)

Captain Den should have more on this as it develops.

A Belated Birthday Wish

Yesterday was my good friend Deanna's birthday. Unlike my other friend's birthdays, I will not mock her with a Top 10 list. Why? Because her and her husband Kevin put us up in their home for a week in Tucson, and because she can kick my ass.

Happy Birthday, D! I'm sorry I was a day late!!! Please accept my apologies.

The NHL's Biggest Dumbass

I give you Patrick Stefan. Watch this clip and tell me if this guy should be sent to Siberia.

(H/T - The Man)

People I Hate

It's Friday, and I slept until noon - after finally falling asleep at 4am - so I am extra cranky. Luckily, I have to work tonight as well. It's just sunshine and lollipops round these parts. Here we go . . .

Bill Cowher

Don't get me wrong; I really like the former Pittsburgh Steelers coach. What I do not like is quitters, and I think Cowher's resignation today was weak. He can say he wants to spend more time with his family, and yes, he has been coaching the team for fifteen years, but I believe the Steelers' 8-8 season was his main excuse for hanging it up. Look, 8-8 in the NFL is hardly uncommon, and when your star QB almost dies before the season, he will not be 100 percent right away. Cowher had one more year left on his contract; he should have honored it! If he wanted to watch sunsets and roast marshmallows after that, fine. In my opinion, Cowher quit for all the wrong reasons. Weak.

Jim Delany

I know, you're saying to yourself, "Who?" But, if you're a college football fan, you should be aiming your ire at this scumbag. Delany is the commissioner of the Big Ten Conference, and is rumored to be the only obstacle standing in the way of a college football playoff.

As a Michigan fan, I am disgusted that this jerkass is heading my conference.

"But as he has done with the public outcry, Delany has largely ignored the coaches' call for a playoff. He readily admits a playoff could be good for Division I-A football at large, but quickly adds, 'I don't work for college football at large.'"

Swell. So Delany is concerned with the Big Ten, and to hell with the rest of the country? This man is a disgrace. After the miserable results of the BCS this year (Boise State, anyone?), the time has come for a playoff system. Unfortunately for the players and the fans, Jim Delany couldn't care less what we think.

Nancy Pelosi

I am still not entirely sure how to describe the new Speaker of the House. I mean, she's unbelievably arrogant, but she is also utterly pompous as well. She is like a human Reese's Peanut Butter Cup - two irritating tastes, that taste lousy together. Listen to this quote from her elaborate press conference yesterday:

"I accept this gavel in the spirit of partnership, not partisanship."

First of all, she's a lying sack of crap. Second of all, she sounds like she just became the Queen of England. We get it, Nancy; you're the first female House Speaker - although the jury is still out on the DNA results - now shut your pie hole and do what you were elected to do . . . which is not bloviating, by the way! Dope.