People I Hate

Sean Hannity

Yeah, I know this will make LMC go into convulsions, but this week, it is well deserved. Hannity is an acquired taste, and I just recently started listening to him again after last year’s April Fools stunt – where he pretended he was a flaming liberal for two hours; which was about one hour and fifty-nine minutes longer than it was funny. Any hoo, Hannity had Philly talk show bore Michael Smerconish – a regular at PIH - on today’s radio program. Smerconish has a new book ripping today’s P.C. culture, and Hannity needed three boxes of lip gloss for all the butt kissing he was doing. I guess he has no problem with Smerconish’s recent lefty views, including his demand for a timetable (read: a specific date and time) for the U.S. withdraw from Iraq. Smerconish is a conservative like John Murtha is a war hawk. And Hannity is now persona non grata in the Earp household.

The Protestors Du Jour

Where are the water cannons when you need them? Can someone explain why thousands of people have been protesting in the streets in support of illegal immigration? And, of course, if someone points out said illegality, they are instantly branded as a racist. Well, I am completely against illegal immigration, no matter what the skin tone. So, I’m a racist. Sue me. If these immigrants and their rabble are so desirous to live in America, then why are they flying the flag of Mexico during their marches? If it’s so terrific back there, feel free to return.

Christopher “Earp”

Chris is my brother. And I hate him. I hate him because he is better looking than me - no great feat. I hate him because he got all of the athletic talent - he regularly competes in triathlons. I hate him because he is smarter than me - he breezed through Drexel University while I was struggling with Russian History at Saint Joseph’s. I hate him because he has a bigger house in the suburbs - although he paid for it with a lot of hard work. And finally, I hate him because today is his birthday, and I forgot to mail out his card. Don't worry about me, though - my parents gave me the bigger room. Oh well, happy 34th birthday anyway, Chris!

My New Philosophy

After being bombarded with the national news this week, I have come to a decision. From this day forth, I will be undertaking a great and noble quest: I plan to rape every attractive woman I come across. There will be no greeting, no small talk; if I want to have sex with a certain female I am going to do so – whether they like it or not. It is that simple.

I have even garnered support for my new position from many in the prison population. My brothers in arms have vowed to take to the streets for my cause, and are flying banners praising my new philosophy. There have even been reports of a Texas school flying a Wyatt Earp flag. It does the heart good to see so many allies in my corner.

Some have said, “Wyatt, what you are doing is illegal. Why don’t you go about this the right way? Why don’t you just begin a loving relationship with another woman and let nature take its course? It is what your ancestors have done for generations.” Sorry, but I want instant gratification. I refuse to search for sex in a proper manner. Damn the law!

Ladies, you'd better run for the border!!

It Takes A "Thief"

Since the season finale of The Shield has come and gone, my Tuesday nights are free. Of course, I could spend more time with the family, but how rewarding could that be? Besides, the new FX drama, Thief, had its debut on Tuesday night, and since it stars Andre Braugher (formerly of Homicide: Life on the Street), I was front row center.

In Thief, Braugher’s character, Nick Atwater, is the front man in a professional burglary ring. The pilot opens with Atwater and his crew hitting a bank vault in San Francisco during the Chinese New Year celebration. During the heist, Atwater’s wife (the lovely Dina Meyer) calls him from the police station and tells him that his stepdaughter has been arrested . . . for burglary. Meyer puts the arresting officer on the phone with Nick, who is in the middle of moving cash from the vault. Nice.

Unfortunately for Nick and his crew, their doped-up computer hacker forgets to reset the security password and the alarm sounds as they are leaving the bank . . . just in time for a lieutenant in the Chinese Mob to see them. Not so nice.

Thief’s pilot episode is not spectacular, but it is good enough to grab your attention. Braugher can carry this show on his back, but with a decent supporting cast (including Linda Hamilton and Michael Rooker), he won’t have to. As far as the babe factor, I was as impressed with how hot Dina Meyer looks, as I was disturbed with how old Linda Hamilton looks. Yikes!

Thief is broadcast Tuesday nights at 10pm on FX. Check it out.

Streaking!

In better lacrosse news, the North Catholic Falcons are streaking more than a fat guy at a soccer match. After getting pulverized last week by Archbishop Wood 18-1, the Falcons came out yesterday (without me, since I had to work) and crushed Cardinal Dougherty by a score of 13-2. Nice.

Devilish

The Duke University Men’s Lacrosse team has been suspended after allegations that a rape occurred during a team party earlier this month. Cripes, I wanted to see my sport get more attention, but this is not exactly what I meant. Allegedly, there is a mountain of evidence against some players on the squad, and the future of the team is uncertain. This is a major blow to the program, which is perennially one of the best in the country. That being said, if the evidence holds up, those players involved should fry.

Hell, when I played at Saint Joseph’s, the worst thing we did was shave the rookies’ heads. Well, that and the thing with the goat . . .

Hey, Hey, Hey . . . Goodbye!

Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we're free at last!

After being held hostage for a week, my neighborhood will be set free today with the much anticipated departure of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Today is the new home's unveiling, and by tomorrow, my neighbors and I will be able to return to our quiet lives.

But that's tomorrow. Today, the missus had to park her car in the street, because the hundreds of slack-jawed yokels who are attending today's unveiling are taking up all of our parking spaces - and we're two blocks away! Don't you people have jobs???

Here are a few final thoughts for Ty and his cavalcade of a-holes:

• The new home, while impressive, looks ridiculous. It is a mammoth two-story dwelling set in an exclusively two-story, split level home neighborhood. This thing sticks out like a sore thumb.
• When you see the show and Ty says how hard he worked, you can yell to the TV that he's full of crap. Earlier this week, while the others were busting their humps, Ty was on Good Morning America . . . in the studio in New York City.
• Ty and the local news media have been leaking all of the expensive gadgets that will be in the new mansion. I hope EM:HE is installing a security system, since I'm sure some dirtball will try and burglarize the home in the first week. Not only does the home stick out, but the local media have been broadcasting the street address!
• Finally, to the gawkers that have made our lives miserable for the past seven days: get a life! Thank you.

Your Weekly Fat Stat Update

Cripes, this weight loss thing is going much slower than I expected. However, since I am making progress, I reckon I can't complain. Two more pounds flew off in the last week, and I am currently sitting at a (still rotund) 224 - eight pounds less than when I started.

At this rate, I'll be under 200 in, oh, 2045!

Here's the new numbers: Ht: 5'9", Wt: 224, Waist Size: 38.

Signs Of The Apocalypse

Here are a few things around the blogosphere that had me running for the duct tape:

GOP and the City has endorsed a DEMOCRAT for Governor of New York. Don't worry; he has a good reason.

GOP and College had a caption contest . . . and I took TENTH!!!

Damian G. at Conservathink is now blogging on the other side of the world. As long as he doesn't write about pork, he'll be okay.

Jimmy B's blog is one year old. And he still can't beat me in a caption contest. Heh.

Michelle Malkin is talking about the idiotic Sharon Stone. At least, someone is talking about this hag.

SYLG Profile: Vinnie Antonelli

The first in a series.

People always ask me, "Wyatt, why are you so cynical?" Well, it has little to nothing to do with my upbringing. It has everything to do with the friends that surround me. Today, I will begin profiling my little circle of friends in hopes of giving you a glimpse into the darkest reaches of my soul. First up, "Vinnie Antonelli."

Like the rest of my circle, I met Vinnie in high school. He and my future brother-in-law took pity on the loser from the cross-country team, and introduced me to their close friends. We all had something in common: hockey. Every weekend, we spent hours playing roller hockey at the local schoolyard - even though Vinnie couldn't skate all that well.

When we were old enough to work, Vinnie got me a job at the neighborhood deli. It was the most fun I ever had. We made fun of customers, screwed up orders, messed with the local pot-heads, and generally took the business down from the inside. It was Clerks before the movie.

When the circle went to college, we all stayed local. I went to Saint Joseph's - and was branded a "preppie" by Vinnie - while the Vin Man went to Temple. "He could have gone anywhere, but he chose Temple." Actually, Temple was the only school that would take him. Vinnie joined a frat, and lived on campus in the most disgusting inner-city "home" on Broad Street. This thing should have been condemned in 1920! There Vinnie learned the intricacies of Actuarial Science, as well as the complexities of getting his friends to drink Colt 45.

Vinnie graduated near the top of his class and found a great job in NYC. The life-long Flyers fan quickly became a Rangers fan, outfitting his jersey wardrobe in Broadway Blue. One night, our circle went to a nightclub in Langhorne, PA. Vinnie, as always, was dressed to the nines: a white New York Rangers jersey and maroon sweatpants. Our friend "The Badger" told him that he should buy his clothes from "Garanimals" - the kids clothes where you match the tags to match the colors. Oddly enough, Vinnie met his future wife that evening. Donna must be color-blind.

For some reason, Vinnie asked me to be his Best Man. (Still my first and only invite to that position.) The wedding was a blast, and Vinnie and Donna jumped on the baby-making bandwagon. The couple have three terrific boys (and with my two we almost have a hockey team): Jeffrey, Derek, and Anthony. A few years after he was born, Derek was found to be autistic. Information like this would probably crush a lesser man like me, but Vinnie and Donna are so good with Derek, it makes you want to cry. I mean, if you're a wuss, that is.

Vinnie is one of my closest friends, and even though he's balding, a mediocre skater, and a major wiseass, he's like a brother to me. A brother you verbally abuse and torture for your own amusement.

Rolling, Rolling, Rolling Down The River!

Another week; another stellar performance by the Kaption King! I took 7th place in GOP and the City's Weekend Caption Contest!!!

Oh, and I also tied for FIRST!

Hey, CUG: Where's your Messiah nooooowwwww?

Stupid 24 Questions

Instead of trying to outrun the van full o' thugs, why didn't Wayne Palmer simply hit the brakes?

Who had to collect the corpses at CTU? Thirty minutes after the nerve gas attack, there wasn't a body to be found.

Why do we never see CTU personnel going to court? I'm a detective in Philly, and I am in court almost every day. CTU must arrest some people, right?

Will anyone be brave enough to tell Jack that his canvas satchel looks queer?

(Cross-posted at Blogs4Bauer.)

Hero Worship

Vinnie's cell phone pic shows how close we were!

To be brutally honest, when we got the tickets for Richard Butler's solo performance, my friends and I were a little wary. Sure, The Psychedelic Furs are far and away our favorite band, but when we heard the concert was going to be an "intimate, mostly acoustical evening," my first thought was, "Gee, I hope this doesn't suck."

About five minutes into the show, we knew we were in for a terrific night.

For starters, the show was held at The University of Pennsylvania's radio station - WXPN - in the first floor auditorium. Well, "auditorium" is used loosely here, since the place contained a bar, some tables, and a dance floor that held about 100 people. We were one of the first groups inside, and made a bee-line towards the stage. As you can see in the picture, we were close enough to get hit with Richard's sweat. If you're into that kind of thing, that is.

Butler opened up with some tracks from his new solo album, but soon mixed in some Furs classics. About twenty minutes into the show, my brother-in-law Mike noticed that Richard's brother Tim, who is also a member of The Furs, was standing behind him in the audience. Naturally, when Deathlok heard this, he rushed up to shake Tim's hand. When he returned, he mumbled something about now being able to upstage me in today's blog posts. Weasel!

About halfway through his set, Butler took a sip of Coke - the soda; unlike most bands, The Furs are clean - when Deathlok called out something that made Richard laugh out loud. (I don't want to stomp upon his story, but it was funny, so check out his blog.) The concert motored on, and the crowd was really into both the old and the new, and when all was said and done, Butler stood up, thanked everyone, and then made my lifetime.

As he was walking off-stage, Richard Freakin' Butler shook my hand! Yeah, I know I am sounding like a pre-pubescent little girl, but this guy is my hero. It was awesome. Soon after, not to be outdone by Deathlok, I saw Tim Butler behind us and approached him. I extended my hand and said, "Mr. Butler, I just wanted to say that I am a huge fan." He said, "Thank you very much," and shook my hand. Unlike some celebrities, Tim Butler did not appear put off by some jackass blogger rushing him. He was, like his brother, rather down-to-earth.

And that's why The Psychedelic Furs are my favorite band of all time.

For those who haven't heard of The Psychedelic Furs before, here's one of their earlier hits; Pulse. Enjoy!

The Earps Welcome Their Newest Gunfighter

Cutest little girl . . . EVER!

Jolie Anna Remar was born on Saturday, March 25th at 1:55pm. She weighed in at 8 pounds, 5 ounces, and is 21 inches long. Jolie and her proud parents are doing well.

Congratulations to my cousin Craig and his wife Connie - who, by the way, is a dead ringer for Reese Witherspoon.

The Butler Did It

Later tonight, me, Deathlok, Vinnie Antonelli, and a cavalcade of my closest friends will be attending the Richard Butler concert in Center City. For those not in the know (read: most of you), Richard Butler is the lead singer of my all-time favorite band, The Psychedelic Furs. Butler recently released a solo album, and will be performing in an intimate little club downtown.

The Psychedelic Furs hit the American music scene in the late 70’s as part of the “New Wave” of British bands. They enjoyed moderate success – and were widely popular on college radio stations – until their song “Pretty in Pink” became the anthem of the 80’s film by the same name. Mmm . . . Molly Ringwald! Butler and his companions released albums throughout the 80’s and 90’s, and still tour today.

Hopefully, this concert will go more smoothly than the last Furs event, where an unnamed author drank five shots of Jameson whiskey. I still don’t remember parts of that night. Damn.

Finally! A Reason To Go To Tennessee!

For those readers who are not NASCAR fans – which would be a lot of you – today is the day you need to climb aboard. The NASCAR Nextel Cup Series is in Bristol, Tennessee today, and the most exciting race of the season will soon be underway.

Racing at Bristol Motor Speedway is like racing in a fishbowl. The track is about a half mile long with extraordinarily high banking, and just wide enough for two cars side by side. Long story short: there will be a lot of wrecks today.

It is my life’s mission to see a race there someday. As long as Pandy or GOP and College put me up, that is.

Let Me Stand Next To Your Fire

Last night, I was assigned the equivalent of the Lindbergh kidnapping.

Friday nights in a detective division are usually brutally busy, so when nonsense comes in, most detectives have little patience for it. At about 6pm, an officer called in with an "arson." It was my turn for the next investigation, so when I heard "arson," my ears perked up a bit.

Then I heard the details.

A sixty-something woman came home after work, walked out to her back porch, and noticed that someone set fire to her flower pot. Yes, her flower pot. The sides of the pot were lightly singed, but there was no other damage to the area. The pot itself was about twelve inches wide. Unfortunately for the civil servants of Philadelphia, this woman is highly "connected," and actually got the fire marshal to come to the residence and process the "crime scene." Normally, a fire marshal comes after an engine or ladder company requests him - immediately after a fire. The woman said this arson must have happened hours earlier.

Not only did the woman waste the time of the fire marshal, but she also wasted the time of the police and myself. She demanded to be transported to my division for an interview, and since she was connected I had to give this b.s. job the same attention I would give a robbery. After an in-depth interview, I re-assured her that I will do everything I can to investigate the crime.

Maybe I'll bring in the FBI.

Play Ball!

The only reason to be excited about the upcoming baseball season: New York Mets pitcher Kris Benson's wife, Anna.

People I Hate

Charlie Sheen

This one pains me, because I am the world’s biggest Major League fan. Hell, I even started rooting for the Cleveland Indians after I saw that film. Still do, by the way. Unfortunately, Charlie Sheen is now starting to take after his jackass father. Recently “Wild Thing” demanded that the “truth” about 9-11 be revealed to the public. Sheen prattles on about the grand conspiracy of that day, and even suggests that perhaps the United States – and, of course, the Bush Administration - was involved:

"It seems to me like 19 amateurs with box cutters taking over four commercial airliners and hitting 75% of their targets, that feels like a conspiracy theory. It raises a lot of questions."

"There was a feeling, it just didn't look any commercial jetliner I've flown on any time in my life and then when the buildings came down later on that day I said to my brother 'call me insane, but did it sorta look like those buildings came down in a controlled demolition?"

Sentiments such as these are not even worth a response. Do us a favor, Charlie; start doing what you do best and go back to consorting with hookers.

Helen Thomas

How can this octogenarian Muppet be considered a “journalist” after the third degree she gave President Bush this week? Does anyone in the country believe she is an impartial, unbiased reporter? Many people in the media today have their own agenda, or slant to either the right or the left. Thomas is in another category, distinctly her own. It’s time we put this skank out to pasture. Or, like a horse with a broken leg, shoot her.

Philadelphia Mayor John F. Street

Johnny – the world’s most corrupt mayor - is fast becoming a fixture at PIH, but this week he really earned his stripes. My neighbor Denny attended the local civic association meeting on Monday and found out that Street was the only person in the city that knew of the Extreme Makeover: Home Edition mess. Street also gave the show carte blanche to do whatever they wanted to the target home, and, by proxy, to my neighborhood.

Hell, what does he care? They won’t be working around the clock in his neighborhood.

Keri Is So Very . . .

So guys, you say you like Keri Russell? You say you'd like to see her in a bikini? You say you'd like to know where to check a picture of all of the above? Then check out today's post from Deathlok here. You'll thank him later.

Let's "Ty" Him To The Railroad Tracks

Sorry ladies, but it appears Ty is an a-hole in person.

Well, my quaint little neighborhood is getting some unwanted Hollywood attention. The folks from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (and, no, they aren't getting any links here) are around the corner preparing to make my life a living hell for the next seven days.

The biggest problem with these California toads is that they are remaking a home on one of the busiest avenues in my area. And, since they are self-important Hollywood types, they have blocked off the avenue, and almost every street leading to it. Simply put, we have to travel to U.S. 1 (Roosevelt Boulevard) to take Kyle to school for the next few days - during rush hour - when side streets got us there much faster. The speedy drive to Target or the supermarket is now a logistical nightmare, and Philly cops who are needed on patrol are blocking traffic throughout the 'hood. Swell.

The wife was excited that Ty and the gang were only two blocks away, so she walked over with Kyle to see what was going on. Unfortunately for the mob of onlookers and autograph seekers, "Nice Guy Ty" sprinted off the set and into his limousine. Nice guy.

Look, I realize that this show tries to help out a needy family, but no one bothered to let the surrounding residents in on the master plan. A master plan which includes jackass contractors working around the clock - like working folks don't need any sleep - and most every street blocked off. I would flash the shield and just blow through the intersections, but hey, these people are from Hollywood! They're special.

The rest of us . . . not so much.

UPDATE: The wife went around the corner this morning to get a look-see. (She's just trying to piss me off.) There was a huge crowd of fans and autograph seekers, and Nice Guy Ty pulled in, ignored everyone, and went into the house. Of all the cast and crew on location, only one designer - some guy named Paul - acknowledged the crowd. He also signed autographs and posed for pictures. Would it be evil of me to hope that the cast and crew get Bird Flu this week?

All Good Things . . .

Well, that one-game winning streak didn’t last long. The North Catholic lacrosse team is now 1-1 after getting blitzed by Archbishop Wood. Heh, heh, “Wood.” I was unable to make today’s game, and obviously, so was the rest of the team. I got a call from Head coach-extraordinaire Luke Hogan who said the final score was, simply, “A lot to 1.” Ouch.

Ingrates!

BAGHDAD, Iraq - U.S. and British troops Thursday freed three Christian peace activists in rural Iraq without firing a shot, ending a four-month hostage drama in which an American among the group was shot to death and dumped on a Baghdad street.

Whoo hoo! Let's hear it for the military!

The Christian Peacemaker Teams said the activists went to Iraq "motivated by a passion for justice and peace." Group volunteers have been in Iraq since October 2002, investigating allegations of abuse against Iraqi detainees by coalition forces. Its teams promote peaceful solutions in conflict zones.

That's great, but where's the "Thank you?"

Co-director Doug Pritchard also called for coalition forces to leave the country. "We believe that the ILLEGAL OCCUPATION of Iraq by Multinational Forces is the root cause of the insecurity which led to this kidnapping and so much pain and suffering in Iraq," Pritchard said.

I guess the military won't be getting that thank you now. Ingrates.

Chef Returns!

Holy crap.

Please tell me that someone out there saw South Park's season premiere last night. Co-creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone responded to Isaac Hayes' Scientology-induced resignation. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard.

One of the best arguments I have heard concerning this Parker-Stone/Hayes feud came from the South Park side:

"This is 100 percent having to do with his faith of Scientology... He has no problem — and he's cashed plenty of checks — with our show making fun of Christians." - Matt Stone

Brilliant.

Nitty, Nitty, Bang, Bang

Antero Niitymaki getting schooled once again.

Aim low: that's the Philadelphia Flyers' motto.

Aim for the 5-hole: that's the motto of the Flyers' opponents.

Just so that Deathlok and Bob have this on the record: I said in October that the Flyers' goaltending would be their downfall. Now, the Fly Guys are still in a decent playoff position - and injuries have riddled the squad - but they are far from the Stanley Cup favorite now.

In my opinion, the blame lies on the shoulders of goalies Antero Niitymaki and Robert "Mesh" Esche, who are currently 46th and 49th in the league in Goals Against Average. 46th and 49th! And with the playoffs mere weeks away, you'll forgive me if I don't break out the champagne.

Stuck On Stupid

Does running for public office require a full frontal lobotomy?

Dateline: Philadelphia, PA - City Councilman Rick Mariano (D), now convicted of eighteen counts of bribery, money-laundering, and related offenses, still refuses to step down from his position. Pennsylvania law states that politicians convicted of an offense may retain their position with pay until sentencing. The Philadelphia Inquirer interviewed fourteen current members of City Council, and asked them if they would call on Mariano - now a convicted felon - to step down. Of the fourteen, only Michael Nutter stated he would do so.

One out of fourteen. And before you get all warm and fuzzy for Nutter's moral stance, he is expected to run for mayor in 2007.

Dateline: Newark, NJ - Vice President Dick Cheney flew into scenic Newark for a GOP fundraiser aimed at unseating "selected, not elected" U.S. Senator Robert Menendez (D). Curiously, New Jersey State Senator Thomas Kean, Jr. arrived too late to be seen with the VP. Kean cited "bad traffic" as his lame excuse. The event raised $400,000 for Kean, who didn't even have the courtesy to appear with Cheney - the very reason why so much money was brought in.

Kean - who has been distancing himself from the Bush Administration, but not from the cash raised by them - claimed that traffic was too heavy to get from nearby Trenton to the fundraiser on time. I wonder if Kean - and his driver/security detail - would have been on time for a family emergency? If Republicans in the Garden State vote for Kean, they should be ashamed of themselves.

Dateline: The Chocolate City of New Orleans - Jackass Mayor Ray Nagin, who is up for re-election on my birthday (April 22), stated that he would allow the residents of his post-Apocalyptic town to rebuild their residences "anywhere," but cautioned them about the low-lying areas:

"I'm confident that the citizens can decide intelligently for themselves."

Eh, what? You mean the same citizens who looted the city, raped and pillaged fellow citizens inside the Superdome, and randomly fired at police and other emergency workers? Nagin, you are a moron. Pull out of the New Orleans race and run for office in a real "chocolate city" - Hershey, PA.

Fat Stat Update

The wheels of justice grind slowly. So does my weight loss. I'm down for the second week in a row, but it's only a negotiable loss at best. To be honest, I have been eating like a hog in a trough since Kyle's surgery. Thankfully, I have also been exercising, and am now down to 226 pounds.

Of course, the missus showed me a BMI chart yesterday that says I am "obese." Nothing like getting some support from the family unit.

Here's the new numbers: Ht: 5'9", Wt: 226 pounds, Waist size: 38.

The Temerity Of This Guy!

Yes, I am still up at 2am (EST). I just finished watching the season finale of The Shield - which ROCKED! - and sleep isn't coming easy. Thus, I jumped online to check some of the blogs in my sidebar. Guess what I found? I took third place in GOP and College's Caption Contest. Heh, third? I must be off my game.

In other Caption Contest news, Deathlok is hosting his first one right HERE. Well, it's more of an "unofficial" contest, but I figured I'd give him the proverbial kick in the pants he so desperately needs. So, run, don't walk, over to his blog and submit your entries. NOW!

Oh, and CUG; maybe you'll have better luck with this one. Tee hee hee!

In Good Company

Not only does Michelle Malkin share many of my conservative views, but she is also a huge fan of Fox's Prison Break. Last night's return episode - don't even get me started on its three-month absence - was full throttle from start to finish. To summarize; Michael and his group are still inside Fox River Penitentiary, thanks to a replacement pipe, and Lincoln still has a date with Old Sparky.

Prison Break is quickly rivaling 24 in both suspense and the last-second cliffhanger. As time ran out on Monday, the guards (and that scumbag Bellick) were leading Linc to The Chair. The Governor has denied his request for clemency, and Michael's break-out plan is rapidly deteriorating. This show is terrific, and has thus far been the perfect lead-in to 24.

Hopefully, you are watching it.

Undefeated!

Okay, so it's only the first game of the season, but the Northeast Catholic High School Lacrosse team is now 1-0! The Falcons brutalized Kennedy-Kenrick High School today by a score of 8-0. My kids looked pretty sharp, showing little to no off-season rust. The defense is definitely the backbone of this year's squad, and our goaltender is as solid as ever.

It was truly a pleasure to coach these kids today.

Your Idiot Of The Day

So, I go to the dentist's office today, and after the poking and prodding - and a kickass clean bill of dental health - I turn on Rush for the ride home. He was talking about the Dems' lame attempt to "censure" President Bush when a moron from Massachusetts called.

This woman - her name was Jenny - rambled on and on with that annoying accent that President Bush rushed the country into war, and was not acting "manly" as he did so. Rush let her expose herself for the moron she truly was when she uttered this little nugget. This quote is not verbatim, since I didn't have pen and paper handy, but it captured the totality of her statement:

"President Bush rushed the country into war with Iraq, and lied about the reasons for doing so. Blah, blah, blah."

That's her opinion - given to her by the DNC - and she's entitled to it. But what came next made me drive off the road. Here it comes:

"The President should have handled the situation the way President Kennedy handled The Cuban Missile Crisis."

Eh, what?

Oh, I see. President Bush should have taken the country to the brink of nuclear war, then hoped that the enemy backed down. When the enemy finally caved, he should have bragged about his terrific decision making, and ignored the fact that we lost a multitude of military bases in Turkey as well.

Thank you, Jenny, for confirming what most of the country already knows about the voting majority in Tax-achusetts. Idiot.

The SYLG Student Newspaper

It’s been a great school year so far at SYLG High School, and it does the heart good to know that Gunfighter Pride still abounds. Remember guys and dolls; Spirit Week begins next Monday, and head cheerleader Uber is looking forward to seeing everyone’s smiling face in the newly-renovated First with Flair Auditorium.

The proceeds from this year’s Ammunition Fundraiser will be collected during Friday’s homeroom period. The fundraiser, brilliantly conceived by Jimmy B, will help less fortunate militias in dire need of hollow point, Teflon rounds. Oh, and for those interested, Doc and Tyler want to remind you that the school’s armory is open until 5pm daily for your weapon sighting needs.

In other news, the Debate Team is still looking for someone to represent the Democrat point of view. Volunteers have been reluctant to come forward after the last Dem was beaten to death with an Al Sharpton medallion- courtesy of GOP and the City and GOP and College. Forum moderators Crazy Politico and Right Wing Prof can be reached during their “Democrat Only” office hours: 10:00am through 10:02am.

This year’s school play will be a remake of the classic musical, “Hair.” Curiously, casting for all roles will be undertaken by The Anti-Hippie, who is relishing the “very realistic mass murder scene” as suggested by Vox Poplar.

SYLG Radio is back on the air! The current schedule is as follows:

5:55am – 6:00am – “Bob Talks About Recent Philly Sports Championships”
6:00am – 8:00am – “Nancy Pelosi is the Devil” with Blogmeister Pam
8:00 – 10:00am – “Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled” with Little Miss Chatterbox
10:00am – 12:00pm – Cowboy Blob’s “Music to Shoot By”
12:00pm – 2:00pm – “Punk in the Trunk” with Pandy
2:00pm – 4:00pm – “Puny Human Underlings” with Mox Argon
4:00pm – 6:00pm - “Stuck in Tax-achusetts” with Insolublog

The Comic Book Club’s March meeting is cancelled. It appears that every member will be viewing “V for Vendetta” all month long. Deathlok reminds the student body that next month’s meeting: “Fight Club: Rhino vs. Mysterio” still has limited seating. Miriam is still reconfiguring the library to include these graphic novels, but the Dewey Decimal System never accounted for Dr. Strange.

Professor Peakah’s symposium on “The Great Beers of Ireland” has been rescheduled until Peak’s “research hangover” subsides. In the interim, Fmragtops is holding dream interpretations, and Dave will be lecturing on the fruitlessness of searching the internet for nude photos of Jessica Alba.

Attendance for AFROTC has skyrocketed after the Air Force Wife lent the school three F-18 Hornets. Unfortunately, the Hornets have been grounded after a few free-fire “mishaps.”

Finally, Reverend Billy Bob will be holding services daily for those in need of “churchin’ up.” However, the Rev would rather see less people, less idiots.

That’s all for now students! Go Gunfighters!

Beyotch-Slapped!

That's what happened to CUG this week, courtesy of yours truly. For you see, I have once again won GOP and the City's Weekend Caption Contest. And, if I do say so myself, my entry was pretty damned funny for once. Not that this is a competition, mind you. Heh.

Oh yeah, nice FIFTH place, Jimmy. Tee hee hee!

I'm Still Here!

Busy day at work, but I actually have a semi-prepared post. Unfortunately, it involves heavy linky love, so I have a little more work to do. Should be a hot, buttery fresh post in a little while.

Thanks for the patience!

Great Moments In Wyatt's Sports History

1976-1987 - The First Of Three Parts

It’s a great time to be a sports fan. March Madness is underway, the NASCAR season is in full swing, the NHL playoffs are just around the corner, and Spring Training is almost completed. With so many great plays and even greater players, I thought it appropriate to shed some light on my greatest sports moments. Let’s begin at the beginning.

1976 – I begin my first full season of boys’ softball at Christ the King Elementary. I played catcher. In softball. Obviously, my coach thought I sucked, but what intrigued me the most was that I batted right-handed. I am a lefty, and have been all my life; or so I thought. Somewhere between that old picture in my parents’ house and my teenage years, I switched from right to left. An investigation is now underway.

1980 – The Philadelphia Phillies win the World Series, and with my sloth-like speed, I try to turn a double into a triple. My father, who was the umpire, called me out at third. Thanks, Dad!

1983 – After seven years of softball sub-mediocrity, I have a terrific season playing first base. A stand-up triple and an All-Star selection nullified the Kelso-like mop of hair I sported daily.

1983 – Tired of having a sissy for a son, my parents sign me up for football. In eighth grade, I towered over most of my teammates, but had trouble making the 125-pound weight limit. My coach wanted me – a fourteen-year old - to go on a diet to lose the three pounds necessary to play. I told him to get bent, and my younger brother Chris became the family football hero.

1984 – As a freshman at Archbishop Ryan High School, I tried (and somehow made) the Cross-Country team. By the end of the first season, I was 5’7” and weighed 130 pounds soaking wet. Those were the days.

1986 – Having spent the last three seasons running fifty to sixty miles a week, I still had yet to crack the top five in team scoring. I was the Clint Howard of the squad. No real highlights, but a great character actor.

1987 – For only the second time in twelve years, I finally produce. I was consistently one of the top five finishers on the cross-country team, and was dating my teammate, Denise Siwinski. (Insert sigh here.) Denise was dreamy, the valedictorian of the school, and eventually became a doctor. Not that I don’t love the missus, who is a stay-at-home mom and not earning any dough . . . but I digress.

Coming Soon: (The College Years 1988 – 1991)

Don't Drop The Soap, Ricky!

"You know, minimum security prison is no picnic. I had a client in there once. He said the trick is kick someone's ass the first day, or become somebody's bitch. Then everything will be all right. " - Rob Newhouse, Office Space

Justice has been served! Uber-corrupt Philadelphia City Councilman Rick Mariano (D) was convicted on eighteen counts of Bribery and related offenses yesterday, sparking widespread giggling amongst Philadelphia Police Department personnel. Mariano was immediately taken into custody, because the judge believed the defendant (Heh, that’s fun to write!) may be a threat to himself and others. It appeared that Mariano’s previous James Cagney impersonation atop the City Hall tower finally came back to bite him in the ass.

Equally corrupt Philadelphia Mayor John Street had the temerity to ask that Mariano relinquish his Council seat. Incredibly, Mariano will be able to retain his seat until his sentencing in late summer. Obviously, there is no provision in the Philadelphia City Charter that prohibits convicted felons from serving on City Council.

After sentencing, Mariano is expected to serve his time in Federal “Pound You In The Ass” Prison.

An Open Letter To Jessica Simpson

Dearest Jessica,

Congratulations on your recent publicity. I am truly happy for all of your success; it is well deserved. After all, that gig for Pizza Hut has really rocketed you to the stratosphere of superstardom. Hell, just look what happened to Kermit the Frog’s career when he shared the limelight with Miss Piggy.

And where do I begin with your happy, happy marriage? You and Nick are Hollywood’s perfect couple. I foresee many joyous years together. Sure, some pundits have suggested that the 24-hour, 7 days a week national exposure of your personal lives would be a strain on your relationship, but you two sure proved them wrong!

It is a testament to your wisdom that you have yet to experience the pitfalls of your equally talented sister, Ashlee. You have the foresight to double-check which song you are about to lip-synch, while Ashlee will soon grace the covers of Swank and Barely Legal. Kudos!

Finally, I wanted to commend you on your recent snub of President Bush. Never mind that a hack performer such as Bono had the courtesy to meet with the President of the United States. You’re Jessica Simpson; you laugh in the face of decorum. Keep up the good work!

WHEW!

Wow, that sucked.

When someone asks me, "Hey, Wyatt, what was the worst day of your life?," I now have an answer. We arrived at the hospital with Kyle at 7am - his surgery was scheduled for 8 - and were situated in a pre-op room. Kyle was in great spirits, primarily because he didn't know what to expect. We did our best to reassure him, but were also honest about the procedure. He loved getting changed into a hospital gown and socks, and even more excited with the wall-mounted TV. As if his luck couldn't get any better, Spider-Man cartoons were on at the time.

The doctor came in first, and made a mark on his upper left thigh for "legal reasons." That's what I want to hear - my son's doctor needs a reminder of which testicle to fix! I had told my friends that if they see me being led out in cuffs from the hospital, something went wrong. The anesthetist came in next, and Kyle answered his questions like a good boy. He then asked the doctor if his "Knotty Bunnies" could come into the O.R. with him. He said yes.

Sidebar - "Knotty Bunny" is basically a knotted cloth with a rabbit head. He has had two of them since birth, and the ears are more or less chewed off. Not that he cares; he loves them more than candy. There was no way he was going into surgery without them.

Kyle was prepped and wheeled into the O.R. area. Before he entered, the doctors stopped the gurney and said, "Kiss mom and dad goodbye." I did my best to be brave and kissed him, telling I loved him very much. Then they wheeled my son away.

For the next fifteen minutes straight I cried in the waiting room.

When the missus calmed me down, I opened up my current read; Knights Cross: A Life of Field Marshal Erwin Rommel. (Great book, by the way.) About an hour later, our beeper went off, signaling that Kyle's surgery was finished. We rushed to the post-op area just in time to see Kyle wheeled in, half asleep, and totally doped up. The doctors said everything went very well, and he was a model patient. They may say that to everyone, but I know with Kyle it was true. He is a brave kid that is (usually) very polite.

Kyle slept off the drugs for about an hour, and was ready to go shortly thereafter. He refused a wheelchair, and walked out of the hospital with me holding his hand. (Like I said, brave.) We came home exhausted, but the boy had all the energy in the world. He never napped, and wanted to take our daily walk after dinner. Being the ever-worrying parent, I said absolutely not, but we did go to the neighbors for a few hours so he could play with his friend.

I think I only said, "KYLE, BE CAREFUL!" about fifty times. Long story short (too late): everything turned out okay.

Thank you so much for the prayers and well wishes.

Erin Go Bragh-less

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day you lousy drunks! Some of us have to work in the morning. In the meantime, here's a beautiful lass, Alyson Hannigan.

Say A Little Prayer

Kyle, on the snow scooter we haven't used yet.

As I wrote in PIH, tomorrow will be a very busy, stressful day around these parts. My five-year old son Kyle is scheduled for surgery at Holy Redeemer Hospital. One of his testicles has not completely fallen, and the doctors need to go in and fix the problem. It is supposed to be a simple, quick procedure, but that doesn’t reassure me. Suffice to say, I am already a wreck, and I don’t see it getting any better by the morning. Please say a little prayer for Kyle, and I’ll keep everyone updated on his condition. Thanks.

People I Hate

I’m a day early with this week’s PIH, but tomorrow will be a very busy, stressful day in the Earp household. And away we go.

Senator Russ Feingold

The distinguished Senator (HA!) has called for the censure of President Bush as a result of the “domestic spying scandal.” Feingold’s crusade is a purely selfless, apolitical move aimed at the betterment of the country. What’s that; he’s planning to run for President in 2008? What’s that; there’s no provision in the Constitution for a “censure” of a President?? What’s that; Feingold and his cohorts have the power to revoke the funding for the so-called “domestic spying program,” but have yet to do so??? Interesting.

“Big Boi”

Big Boi is yet another rapper-turned-soon-to-be-failed-movie-star. Currently starring in “The ATL,” a film I am sure will make billions at the box office, Big Boi plays an inner city thug. Something tells me this won’t be much of a stretch. Can we please stop with the urban gangsta films starring rap artists? Garbage such as this never makes a dime, and it just shows how lazy Hollywood has become.

The Philadelphia Flyers

Okay, I don’t hate them, exactly, but I hate the way they have been playing of late. It is amazing this team can play at all, because cardiovascular exercise usually requires a heart – something the Flyers have been lacking. No one on this squad - including my favorite player Peter Forsberg - has been earning their paycheck this month, and with the playoffs fast approaching, I am starting to worry.

Unleash Your Inner Funny

. . . and check out GOP and College's Caption Contest here. This one is dangerously easy. Entries are due by Monday, March 20th.

Fat Stat Update

The author, flanked by Vinnie Antonelli and Deathlok.

I hate my frakkin' scale! It was not a good week in the Battle of the Bulge. After posting a semi-respectable 224 last week, I ballooned up to 228 as of today. Crap. I had exercised every day this week, but some of my food choices have been subpar. Oh well, another week is upon us, and hopefully next Wednesday's post will include some good news.

Here are this week's numbers: Ht: 5'9", Wt: 228, Waist Size: 38.

Mr. Hankey Is Retiring!

Even more good news!

John Chaney has decided it's time. Monday morning, Chaney announced he is retiring after 24 remarkable years as Temple's men’s basketball coach. The 74-year-old Hall of Famer guided the Owls to five NCAA regional finals and 17 NCAA tournament appearances and was twice the national coach of the year. Chaney has 741 wins as a college coach, including a 516-252 record at Temple, and has won six Atlantic 10 titles. He is also a five-time Atlantic 10 coach of the year. But what Chaney was most proud of was earning the award for Teacher of the Year in the late 1970s at Cheyney State. - Comcast Sportsnet Philadelphia.

Curiously, Comcast didn't mention these little "highlights" from this thug's career:

"Chaney was suspended for the rest of the regular season by Temple on Friday for ordering rough play by one of his players, who proceeded to foul out in four minutes against Saint Joseph’s and broke an opponent’s arm."

Or this one:

"In January, Chaney used his time at a Philadelphia sports writers dinner to rail against President Bush and the war in Iraq. Chaney rambled on until he was nearly booed off the stage. He challenged one dissenter to meet him outside.

That echoed similar sentiments weeks earlier when Chaney scolded the people of Ohio, the state that helped Bush win the election with 20 electoral votes, saying, 'It's not the people I hate, it's what they did that I hate.'"

Or this . . .

"Many have cited other incidents such as the one a decade ago when he screamed "I will kill you" at then-Massachusetts coach John Calipari during a postgame news conference."

Yeah, Chaney is a true American hero.

It's Funny When It Happens To Them

Talk about some good news.

"Knight Ridder, the second-largest newspaper company in the United States, agreed Sunday night to sell itself for about $4.5 billion in cash and stock to the McClatchy Company, a publisher half its size, according to people involved in the negotiations.

The deal, which is expected to be announced on Monday, comes as the newspaper industry is gripped by uncertainty. Readers have begun to drift away from printed newspapers as their Web sites have experienced sharp gains in use."

This story gets better for folks in the Philadelphia area, because the McClatchy Company has stated they currently have no interest in the two local rags, er, newspapers, The Philadelphia Inquirer and The Philadelphia Daily News. Thus, the two publications are in limbo; their fate uncertain. Both publications have a highly liberal slant - in fairness, the Daily Snooze is Howard Dean liberal, where the Inky is just John McCain liberal - and have seen readership run away screaming as of late.

Dear Jesus, I come to you as your humble servant. I ask only that you hear my prayer, and smite the Inquirer and Daily News. I pray to see their writers wandering the streets begging for food. Please use your everlasting wisdom to show them the folly of their liberal ways, and make them realize that if they were a little closer to the "center," they may still have gainful employment. Amen.

Hot Rod!

Here's a little eye candy for RT. Enjoy!

Top Of The World, Ma!

I'm back, baby!

Yours truly won GOP and the City's Weekend Caption Contest!

JimmyB . . . not so much. Heh.

Of course, The Man stuck it to me by messing with my name in the rankings, but I'll take it anyway. Good luck next week . . . chumps!

Stupid Questions

Why the frak does my printer blow up mere weeks before the end of the fantasy hockey season? Without a hard copy of stats, I’m lost.

Why is it 78 degrees in Philadelphia on March 13th???

Did anyone see the Battlestar Galactica finale Friday night? One word: Damn.

Would anyone appreciate this picture of Martina McBride?

Freddy And Jason Have Some Competition

This is the kind of case that makes me both angry and nauseous.

On Sunday, a young woman was standing on a corner waiting for a bus. She was minding her own business when two female thugs pulled up, ran across the street to her, and began punching and kicking her to the ground. The thugs never said a word.

When the woman was on the ground, two of the thugs began stabbing her with a knife in the head, neck, back, and shoulders. A major artery in the woman’s head was severed, and she bled out on the sidewalk. The cowards finally stopped the attack, threw the knife into the street, and fled the scene.

The woman was transported to the hospital and whisked into the operating room. Although she lost a dangerous amount of blood, she survived. I get the case, and after two days, I finally get to interview the woman, who identifies her attackers. The arrest warrants were processed today.

I am off on Tuesday and Wednesday, even though I’d rather be working. I will be present when we lock up these pieces of detritus, if only to see their faces when I tell them they are being charged with attempted murder. These girls are going to burn; I will make it my mission in life.

Viva Las Vegas!

A first, second, and a first in three races. Not a bad start.

This makes up for the Saint Joseph's loss. Jimmie Johnson won today's UAW Daimler-Chrysler 500 in Las Vegas on a pass in the final turn. Johnson's victory was not a welcome one for second-place finisher Matt Kenseth, who led the most laps overall.

It was also a good day for the entire Hendrick Motorsports team. Johnson took first, Kyle Busch took third, and Jeff Gordon finished fifth. Whoo hoo!

Damn It To The Bowels Of Bloody Hell!

I haven’t posted much about the Saint Joseph’s University men’s basketball team this season, primarily because they have barely been on the plus side of average. However, over the last few weeks, the Hawks had won eight in a row, and came into the Atlantic 10 Conference Tournament red hot.

Playing with a stifling defense and an explosive offense, the Hawks flew their way into the tourney finals to face 10th seeded Xavier. A win in the tournament final would mean an automatic seed in the NCAA Tournament. It would be the only way the Hawks would get there. The game was televised last night on ESPN2, and I was home to watch.

Now I wish I had been working.

Xavier got a lead early on, before the hawks came roaring back. The lead bounced back and forth until the fourth quarter, where the Hawks were up by as much as 8 points. Down the home stretch, however, the Hawks lost focus, and ended up blowing a late lead. The Hawks lost the game, 62-61. Damnit.

Now Do You Get It?

American Tom Fox was found dead in Iraq today, the victim of gunshot wounds to the head and chest. Fox’s hands were tied when he was executed. Ironically, Fox was in Iraq as a peace activist when he was taken hostage by Muslim extremists.

“Fox was in Iraq as a peace activist when he was taken hostage by Muslim extremists.”

In the War on Terror, it doesn’t matter on which side of the fence you sit. If you are an infidel (read: non-Muslim) you will receive a death sentence. Michael Moore, Cindy Sheehan, and the like can tell the world how much they hate the current administration. It doesn’t matter. If they are taken by these extremists, they will die.

The best example of how Muslim extremists work is encapsulated in this quote from The Terminator:

"It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead."

Now, let’s stop the tree-hugging hippie crap and get with the program, shall we?

A Programming Note

This week’s People I Hate was pre-empted in favor of a powerfully unfunny Q&A. It will return to its usual Friday spot on St. Patrick’s Day. In the meantime, here’s a Person I Like: Faith Hill.

"Carnies Built This Country"

“. . . Well, the carnival part of it anyway.” – Homer Simpson

The second Carnival of Bauer is up and running at Blogs 4 Bauer. Enter early and often.

Love Is The Answer

But I forgot the questions. Well, I guess it's better late than funny. Here are your long-awaited answers.

Ssssteve asks, "Why do babies wait to pee after you take the diaper off?"

Sssteve, my wife told me to write that I wouldn't know, since I don't change diapers. I told her dinner wasn't ready, and she should know her role. The answer is that they think they are at Coney Island, and they get a SpongeBob doll if they "shoot the clown in the face."

Peakah asks, "If you had the green light to go Jack Bauer on someone's arse, which torture technique would you start with . . . if he was extra stubborn, how would you proceed?"

That's easy, Peak; start with a Wet Willie, and work my way towards the dreaded "Rear Admiral!"

Mom asks, "If you could be anyone in the world, who would you be and why?"

Can I be Spider-Man? I would probably choose New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin. This way, no matter how many times I screw up royal, I would never get any blame.

Mom also asks, "Who influenced you the most in your life?"

My mother. BAWAHAHAHA!!! Nah, I'm yankin' ya. Actually, it was probably the punk bastard that jumped me on the way home from a high school dance. He was the sole reason I became a police officer - to get scum like him off the streets.

Michael Hodges asks, "I'm sure it's a pretty easy guess 'no,' but do you think we'll have a Republican Mayor on '08?"

Michael, you have a better chance of seeing me make out with Kiira Korpi! Philly hasn't had a Republican mayor since the 40's . . . and look what great shape we're in!

Michael Hodges also asks, "Pat's or Geno's? Wit or wit out? American, or Moz?"

I'm trying to diet, you sadist!!! Okay, I lean towards Geno's. Wit. Neither, I'm a Cheez Whiz man.

Deathlok warns me of my answer to the above question, then asks, "Jim's or Tony Luke's?"

Deathlok, I think Jim's is better than Pat's or Geno's. It's the ONLY reason to go to South Street. Call it blasphemy, but it's just my preference. With lotsa onions, hot peppers and Cheez Whiz. Mmm . . .

Fmragtops asks, "Riddle me this: if goose juice is juices of gooses, and moose juice is juices of mooses, then why is there a wocket in my pocket?"

Fm, perhaps it is because you like to yank your doodle . . . it's a dandy? Wockets are actually an endangered species. The authorities are enroute to your pants with a search warrant as I type.

Fmragtops also asks, "When did you make Detective? Is that a promotion in Philly, or a lateral transfer? Are you liking it so far?"

I became a "dick" on December 19th. Actually, I've been a dick all my life, but now I'm getting paid for it. It is a promotion, and so far, I have interrogated lying toads, searched underwear drawers (with a warrant), and seen quite a few dead bodies. Long answer short: it rocks!

Air Force Wife asks, "Did you teach your wife any 'take-down' techniques? And, if so, does she use them on you when you get mouthy?"

AFW, I tried to teach her some, but she kept telling me she had a headache.

Wagonsux asks, "The red shirt you were wearing the last time I saw you; how many batteries does it take?"

It actually glows from my chemotherapy. For you see, I have cancer, and will soon be dead. Now don't you feel like a small, small man?

GunnNutt asks, "What kind of wine does one serve with Rack of Goat?"

Gunny, that's probably a question for Dr. Phat Tony, but I would suggest blood red.

The Anti-Hippie asks, "If a tree falls on a hippy and no one is around, is it still George Bush's fault?"

A-H, actually, it would be the environmentalist whackos fault. They are big into conservation, so if a tree that was scheduled for falling simply falls on its own, G.W. is in the clear. And remember, we can save plenty of trees by writing on the skins of hippies.

Little Miss Chatterbox asks, "What would you do if you were allowed to be alone in an interrogation room with President "Weasel" Logan?"

LMC, the first thing I would tell him is to buy his wife a better bra! Cripes, she shows her cans more than Pamela Anderson! (I'm sorry, can I say "cans" on the internet?)

Tyler D. asks, "I only asked once damnit. Did you ever get a pimp name?"

I did not, only because I use my Indian pimp name: Dances With Hos.

Bob asks, "Why is JimmyB jealous? Why is the mayor of Philadelphia not named Wrong-Way Street? How many cheesesteaks (wid, of course) can Fast Eddie Rendell eat while his chauffeur is going 97 mph in a 55 zone on the Turnpike?"

Bob, where should I begin? First, JimmyB has nothing to be jealous about. He is a very talented blogger. BAWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Second, Street is not named Wrong-Way because he already has a street named for him: San Francisco's Lombard Street. The most crooked street in America. Finally, Fat Eddie can eat one steak for every 10 miles traveled. If you take the quantifier of the excessive speed . . . ah, screw it. The answer is A LOT!

Anonymous asks, "Boxers or briefs?"

Wrong again. "I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it!"

The CUG states, "Sorry. I only had a question about your service weapon."

CUG, I said personal questions, but not that personal!

RT asks, "Why is the sky blue? And if you could be a tree, what kind of tree would you be and why?"

RT, my brother-in-law would say because God is a Penn State fan, but since Penn State sucks arse, I will tell you that it is because God is a New York Rangers fan. HA! If I could be a tree, I would be a bulldozer. I HATE TREES!

Thus ends another Q&A crap-o-rama. Wow, you guys waited all day for this?

I'm Getting To It!!!

Work was brutally busy today. I just got home.

I am in the process of answering your questions, but I didn't expect 20 of them, though. (Not that I'm complaining.) I will do my best to post your answers in an hour or two.

My bad.

Oh, by the way, Mr. Mensa was sent to jail. He didn't make the $10,000 bail. HA!

Stephen A. Smith Is A Racist Hack

Yes, I realize everyone knows that, but it felt really good to write. For the blessed few who have never heard of Stephen A (the "A" stands for a-hole), he is a "sports columnist" for The Philadelphia Inquirer, and host of ESPN's god-awful "Quite Frankly." I put "sports columnist" in quotes because: 1. calling him a columnist makes the assumption that he is a decent writer, which he is not, and 2. his favorite sports are race-baiting and Sticking It To Whitey.

When Smith is not apologizing for Kobe Bryant or other African-American athletes of ill repute, he is kissing the proverbial bum of the worst human being on earth: Barry "Mr. Steroid" Bonds. In today's commentary, Smith writes that Bonds' alleged (HA!) abuse of steroids was only an attempt to "level the playing field (Mark) McGwire allegedly desecrated with his own unethical practices."

That's right, Stephen, Bonds only used steroids because The White Man used them first.

During the McGwire/Sosa home run race, Bonds allegedly said, "They're just letting (McGwire) do it because he's a white boy. They'll never let (Sosa) win." Smith briefly chastises these comments, before writing, "But what, pray tell, was Bonds actually wrong about? The fact remains . . . a large segment of the black population feels exactly the same way Bonds does" Including, obviously, Stephen A. Smith.

Smith continues with a tired argument that "many black folks" think Bonds is only the victim of a "witch hunt" because he is on the verge of eclipsing Babe Ruth's (read: Whitey's) #2 spot on the all-time home run list. Smith writes, "I'm black, and I'm no different."

Really, Stephen? You're black? I never would have known reading by your material!

Just before I reached for the duct tape, Smith ended yet another racist diatribe: "In Bonds' eyes, McGwire started this mess, not just because he cheated, but because he was celebrated for it." McGwire started it! That's an excuse for someone out of kindergarten now?

Once again, The Black Man is the victim, solely because The White Man started it. The White Man is guilty as sin, and The Black Man was only trying to set a level playing field. Does Smith realize how this sounds? Bonds and McGwire are both (allegedly) adults, capable of making their own (stupid) decisions. They are not pre-schoolers. Don't use a pre-school excuse.

Q&A Time: With A Twist

Well, it's time for the Law Dawg to answer your questions. But, this time, I'd like to steer them away from the job a little, if possible. Not to be discriminatory, but how many times can I answer questions about my service weapon? Thus, feel free to ask me anything else - if there is anything else - and even personal questions are welcome.

Leave your questions in the comments section, and I'll have the answers for you on Friday.

Longest Night . . . EVER!

How come the Strike Team never gets a search warrant?

Last night was the first time in a long while I said to myself, "This job sucks." All the tell-tale signs of mayhem appeared as I walked into the squad room, and noticed that only four detectives were scheduled for the 4p x 12a tour. Swell. Four detectives on nightwork = four detectives playing catch up for the next week.

4:00pm - Things were going smoothly - I processed an arrest for a violation of a restraining order (that had nothing to do with RFTR and Kim Bauer) - when an off-duty officer walked in. This is never good news, because it means that cops are thinking for themselves. It wasn't a good idea when I was a cop, and it is not a good idea now. The off-duty said that she received a call on her cell phone from a business owner who had been burglarized earlier in the day. The owner looked at his security cameras and recognized the burglar as his security guard! Nice.

Allegedly, the guard came in during business hours and hid in the bathroom. The owner thought the guard left, but never checked the business before locking up and going home. Smart. The guard waited a little while, then went into the back room and took $20,000 cash out of an unlocked file drawer. Double smart! Before he did this, he had the sense enough to unplug the cameras. Or so he thought.

Unfortunately for Mr. Mensa, he unplugged only one camera. The other four were working fine. The cameras show him walking through the store after hours and counting something (most likely the money) before leaving out the back door. Thankfully for us detectives, the guard was wearing a bright red jacket and a white baseball cap with Asian writing encircling it. Not exactly a common ensemble.

7:00pm - The cop brings in the DVD, and we watch in amusement as Mr. Mensa commits three felonies right before our eyes. The words "dumbass" and "Einstein" are thrown about. I get assigned the case - which is basically a slam dunk - and we go to the store. While there, we get Mr. Mensa's boss to bring him around, and we slap the cuffs on him for the trip to the division. All the while, Mr. Mensa asks, "What did I do?"

8:00pm - Mr. Mensa is put into an interrogation room and we grill him. He is cooperative . . . until we tell we are looking at him for the burglary. Mr. Mensa goes into Eddie Murphy mode: "It wasn't me." We give him the description of the man on the DVD. "It wasn't me." We tell him that the owner identified him as the doer. "It wasn't me." It's now about 9pm. Half my day is shot, and this guy is getting on my last never. It was time to break out the DVD.

9:00pm - We sit him in front of the computer and show him entering, "shopping" for money, and leaving out the rear door. The face isn't perfectly clear, but good enough to prove that it was him. The kicker is the clothing. It's him. Mr. Mensa watches the DVD, turns around, and says, "It wasn't me."

This is the point where Vic Mackey would beat him senseless. We can't do that. Dang.

9:30pm - We tell Mr. Mensa to explain why he is on the camera. He says nothing. I ask him who is the man on the camera. He says it's someone else, because "lots of people wear that jacket and hat." (You have to see this hat. It's definitely one of a kind.) When we suggest that another man, looking just like him, wearing the same exact clothes as him, burglarized the store that he is very familiar with and has access to was the one who committed the burglary, he said, "Yeah." I tell Mr. Mensa that we're getting search warrants for his house and his car. He says, "Go ahead."

10:00pm - Okay. Interview over. Mr. Mensa is now officially arrested.

11pm - 12am - After two hours of figuring how many warrants we need and smoothing out all of the jurisdictional issues - Mr. Mensa's car is parked in the next county - I take the house warrant downtown for approval by a judge.

1:00am - Warrant approved. I gather up a sergeant and a detective to hit the house. It is in East Division, about a ten-minute drive. We hit the house - actually it's more like a bedroom and a kitchen - and tear it apart. Immediately we find the hat and the jacket, but there is no money or phone cards anywhere. Crap.

2:30am - We're enroute back to our division, and I tell the sergeant that this may have been a waste of time. He laughs and says, "Are you kidding? You never want an open and shut case. You can't make any money from court that way. A 'home run' usually means a plea. You want this to go to a jury. Either way, it's a guaranteed conviction." That's exactly what I needed to hear.

3:00am - We're back in the squad room, and I'm ready to put Mr. Mensa's arrest into the computer. And the computer system goes down. (Insert world's largest, loudest expletive here.) I am already looking at at least four hours o.t. on this job, plus the two hours o.t. I had for court before work. I wanna go home. The sergeant tells me to go home, but stop by my old district to do the paperwork.

4:00am - I finally process the paperwork for Mr. Mensa and wrap up any other loose ends. Although we didn't get a confession, and have yet to find the cash, there is more than enough evidence to convict this toad. The job is essentially cleared, and that's the ultimate goal. Now, I can go home.

5:15am - Mmm . . . bed!

(Sorry about the world's longest blog post, but if I didn't write about this, my head would have exploded. Now, I get two well-deserved days off, and I can finally watch 24 and The Shield.)

Fat Stat, March 8th

Things are looking up. After a week of following my Weight Watchers points almost religiously - plus the hockey and treadmill efforts - I am losing the poundage. That beautiful scale read 224 today, which is down five pounds from last week at this time. Don't get me wrong, I still have a long way to go to reach that delicious mark of 190, but I'm on the right track.

Spanked!

Well, we sure could have used Emma Laaksonen last night. Our single-elimination hockey playoff game started badly - we gave up the first goal after only 20 seconds - and finished even worse. The mighty X-Men have fallen . . . hard. The first-place Battalion wiped the ice with us, and won the game by a score of 9-1.

I, as usual, played like poo, and the only joy I felt was when Vincent Antonelli - who is on my line - scored in the third period, breaking the shutout. Other than that, it was a miserable evening.

So, we ended this season with a regular season record of 9-11; good enough for 4th place. Not that impressive, but we had fun - until last night, and the next season is just around the corner.

Oh, It's On Now!

That son-of-a-bitch CUG beat me again in this week's GOP and the City Weekend Caption Contest. Jimmy won this week's matchup, and I took second; otherwise known as the "First Loser."
"These transgressions will not be forgotten."

Welcome Finns!

In honor of my very first comment from the country of Finland, I wanted to welcome our friends from across the pond in a suitable manner. (God, I wish I knew how to say "Welcome" in Finnish.) This post will be a celebration of the natural beauty of this fine Scandinavian land. Enjoy!

I believe everyone remembers Kiira Korpi.

Yeah, she's pretty hot. Must be that Finnish water.

And, for Vinnie, here's hockey phenom Emma Laaksonen.

I think I speak for the United States of America when I say, "Thank you, Finland!"

Puttin' On The Foil

Wyatt, Vinnie Antonelli, & Deathlok's brother pre-game.

It is entirely possible that this week's Fat Stat will be at an all-time low. Why? Because I'll probably spend most of my Monday vomiting from stress. Tonight is the first round of our hockey playoffs, and it is a single-elimination game.

Simply put, the X-Men win or go home.

The team busted its collective humps to get into the playoffs - eking out Chilly McPhilly's for the final playoff spot - only to face the division-leading Battalion tonight at 9:45pm. I figure I'll be a vomiting, quivering, nervous wreck by 9:46pm, and I fear I'll be more concerned about not frakking up than I will be about scoring. Say a quick prayer for us: we'll need our "A" game tonight.

3, 2, 1, Jump!

Starbuck really wants you to watch.

Dave at Garfield Ridge has an excellent post about Battlestar Galactica's two-part season finale here. He laments, as do I, that more people don't watch this, the "Best. Show. On. Television."

And remember, the longer you wait to start watching, the more you miss.

Catholic School Values Personified

Only in Philadelphia. A riot broke out after the Philadelphia Catholic League Basketball Championship, because these animals can't control themselves. Unfortunately for me, the game was held at LaSalle University, which is in the dead center of my division. I know the cop who was hit with the bottle, but (as usual) the media blew it. More than one cop was assaulted on the scene, and the officers were not "fearing a riot" - they were trying to stop one.

A city-wide assist is the rarest of all calls. An assist is called when an officer needs help. It can go to a double, and then a triple assist when things get out of control. A city-wide assist is when the first three aren't working. It basically means that every officer in the city needs to drop what they are doing and rush in to the scene. Lovely.

March 4, 2006 - Seconds after Neumann Goretti point guard DJ Rivera hit the winning shot the scene turned chaotic. Eyewitnesses say Rivera began taunting Roman Catholic fans. Goretti followed suit, and tempers flared.

Fearing a riot, Philadelphia police called a citywide assist. Soon more than a hundred officers were on the scene. One officer had to be taken to Einstein Hospital after suffering a cut to the head from a thrown bottle.

Contemporary Services Corporation handled security for the game. It appears the crowd overwhelmed the security guards. One guard began cheering instead of working to control the crowd. Attempts to reach the company have been unsuccessful.

Fans credit police for getting the situation under control.

A NASCAR Bye Week

There is no NASCAR race this week, and the Busch Series drivers are racing in Mexico City. Hopefully, some of the fans there won’t try and stowaway in the trunks, but that’s another story. Today will find most race fans with nothing to do. Thankfully, I have some suggestions:

Top Ten Things To Do During A NASCAR Bye Week

10. Stand on the side of Interstate 95 and yell things at oncoming traffic.
9. Kick Jack Roush in the lug nuts.
8. For a change, pay attention to your family between 1 and 5pm.
7. Drink a tall cool glass of 10W40.
6. Make a record “qualifying time” in the bedroom.
5. Sit outside a Jiffy Lube and breath in the fumes.
4. Do doughnuts on your neighbor’s lawn.
3. Ram the vehicle driving next to you then yell, “Rubbin’s racin’.”
2. Since he’ll be home, leave a flaming bag of poop on Tony Stewart’s doorstep.

And the number one thing to do on a NASCAR Bye Week . . .

1. Try to “bump draft” the cute girl in the checkout line.

Compute This!

Friday nights in a detective division are brutally busy. The official start of the weekend brings out every gun-toting toad, drunk, and drug dealer in the tri-state area; and we have to clean up the mess. Things usually run smoothly, as long as the city-wide computer systems are up and running.

Last night, they weren’t.

All at once, our three main databases crashed – for the second time in two days- just in time for the dinner rush. The Police System, which is used to run people for wants and driver’s licenses, went down first. A minute or two later, PIIN, the lifeblood of a detective, crashed. PIIN comprises almost every report we must complete for every job assigned. Immediately after PIIN crashed, our PARS (Preliminary Arraignment System) froze. No arrest can be processed without being entered into PARS.

Long story short: we were crippled.

Of course, I was assigned an arrest minutes before the computers went on strike then spent the next FEW HOURS staring at my computer screen. Ain’t life grand?

Stupid Questions

Why does coffee smell so good, yet (in my opinion) taste so bad?

Why is Jessica Alba making such a stink about her picture being on the cover of Playboy? She’s not naked inside, so shouldn’t men be bitching about it?

When are Insolublog and Pandy returning from their hiatus? They are missed.

On a scale of 1-10, how hot is Keira Knightley?

People I Hate

Lieutenant Tom Kavanaugh

Okay, I realize that Kavanaugh is a fictional character from The Shield, but I truly despise him. At the end of this week's episode, I actually cursed at the TV screen. (Like he would hear it.) And this says a lot about the talent of Forest Whitaker; I believe his portrayal as the a-hole from Internal Affairs, and as a result, I wish his character a painful death.

What's that? You say you don't watch The Shield? Are you mad? This is one of the best shows on television. So much so that I need to get my hands on Seasons 1-4 to catch up. Yes, I was a Johnny Come Lately, too, but I am now hooked. In my opinion, The Shield is the best show on FX.

Bruce Springsteen

I realize the danger of putting Bruuuuuuuuuuce on this list so close to the New Jersey border, but can anyone tell me why this fraud is famous? "Dancing in the Dark?" "Born to Run??" Are you frakkin' kidding me??? I have more talent in my bowel movements! And just when you thought he had finally given up on the luckiest music career in history, Springsteen is releasing an album of hippie Pete Seeger's folk songs:

The album will feature Springsteen's interpretations of 13 traditional folk songs that have been associated for decades with Seeger. Among them are "Jessie James," "John Henry," "Jacob's Ladder," "Shenandoah" and the civil rights anthem "We Shall Overcome."

Congratulations, Bruce. Another triumph!

Dave Chappelle

We got it, Dave. You screwed us when you walked out on Chappelle's Show. But now you're going to rip Comedy Central as well?

Dave Chappelle has vowed never to return to Comedy Central if the cable network goes ahead with plans to piece together new episodes of Chappelle's Show from material taped before he walked away from the series. "I think if they air that stuff, I can't see how I'm going to be able to [return]. That will damage our relationship," he told the Dayton Daily News. He called Comedy Central's plans to do so "a bully move," adding that "if people don't watch it, then I'd be more than happy."

Um, Dave, I think the damage to your relationship occurred when you walked out on the season and your fans. And if you're going to accuse Comedy Central of a "bully move," I have a pot and a kettle I'd like you to see.