Dang. I Was Pulling For Wolverine!

Which X-Men character are you most like?

You are Cyclops! You are attractive and strong, in a boy scout republican sort of way. You are set firm in your beliefs, which is not necessarily a bad thing. But often when faced with a conflicting opinion you become defensive and angry and prone to conflict. You like to be a leader, but you must acknowledge that there are some situations which others are better fit to deal with than yourself.
Take this quiz!

X-cellent!

Callisto, Pyro, Magneto, Juggernaut, and Jean Grey

Well, I finally saw X-Men: The Last Stand last night. I'd give it an appropriate review, but to be honest, they could have shown Wolverine's claws shredding waste paper while Mystique was standing there watching him, and I'd give it an A+.

That being said, I have a few remarks (no spoilers):

• How appropriate is it that the home base for the mutant "cure" is San Francisco? There is nothing more satisfying than watching mutants rip the uber-liberal town to shreds.
• Vinnie Jones was fabulous as Juggernaut! Of course, Jones is terrific in everything.
• Judging from the box office so far, there is no way that this will be the final movie. Not to mention the Magneto film slated for 2007. Director Brett Ratner left the door open for a sequel, and if you haven't seen X3 yet, stay until after the final credits!!!
• Trailer Treasures: We saw the trailers for Ghost Rider and Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. I am standing in line for them as we speak.

If you want a better, more comprehensive review, check out Deathlok's analysis here.

Bedtime Stories

The Top Ten Least Favorite Children's Stories

10. The Three Little Earwigs.
9. Harry Potter and the Incurable Itch.
8. One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Drunk Fish.
7. Goodnight Moon, Hello Hangover!
6. Marvin K. Mooney, Will You Please Drop Dead?
5. Goldilocks and the Three Disgruntled Teamsters.
4. How the Grinch Stole Susie Lou Hoo’s Virginity.
3. Horton Hears a Blood-Curdling Scream.
2. The Little Engine That Could . . . With Help From Viagra.

And the number one least favorite children’s story is . . .

1. Hop On (The King of) Pop.

Armored Cavs

Why did they even play the game?

The Virginia Cavaliers are atop the lacrosse world after a 15-7 drubbing of the Massachusetts Minutemen - they were good for about a minute - in Monday's NCAA Division I Lacrosse Championship. Congratulations guys!

First With A Different Kind Of Flair

After a brutal drought, I am finally back to form. I won GOP and the City's Weekend Caption Contest I, and took second place in GOP and the City's Weekend Caption Contest II. Whoo!

Day From Hell

Someone check to see if there’s a full moon.

6:25am – Woke up five minutes early. Still sore from Sunday’s run. That can’t be a good sign.

7:45am – Arrived at work, only to be informed the three-body burglary/stolen car arrest I spent all day working on was declined by the district attorney. According to the D.A., my story was not sufficient enough for the charges to stick. Three guilty-as-sin juveniles were subsequently let go. Good detective? Not so much.

9:00am – The officers who arrested the cherubs were just informed that they were released. The next ten minutes were spent calming their sergeant down.

11:00am – My second investigation of the day – even though some detectives haven’t gotten their first – involves a homeless man pushing a hospital security guard down a flight of concrete steps. The homeless man gets away, and the guard was being worked on in the trauma unit. It’s just another day in paradise.

12:00pm – Good news, everyone! The wife calls and says we’ll be having our Memorial Day BBQ a day late. On the menu: hot dogs, corn on the cob, and potato salad. Diet be damned!

2:00pm – The boss wants me to submit warrants for the three juveniles, but since I have off on Wednesday and Thursday, it can wait.

4:00pm – I am outta here! There will be brain medicine (read: Guinness) flowing tonight! Especially since it’s 95 degrees in Philly today.

Memorial Day

The American Military Cemetery, Normandy, France

While everyone is hitting the beaches, enjoying the barbecues, and spending time with family, please remember those men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom. Today is not about white, sandy beaches. Today is not about cooking hot dogs and hamburgers. Today is about our men and women in uniform. If you see a member of the armed services today, make sure you thank them.

And, while you’re at it, check out Books for Soldiers. It’s a terrific program where you can send care packages of books, non-perishable food, or anything else that a soldier could want. Just click on the link above or at the bottom of my sidebar. It’s easy. Hell, if I can send CD’s and Slim Jims (which were a big hit) to Iraq, anyone can.

The Fastest Sport On Two Feet

The 2006 NCAA Men's Lacrosse Championship will be held tomorrow afternoon in my hometown. The undefeated Virginia Cavaliers will face off against the upset-minded Massachusetts Minutemen in the Division I title game. The game starts at 1pm on ESPN. If you're available, make an effort to watch some of the action. It's the greatest sport in the world.

Who Ordered The Mineral Ice Colada?

It's 9pm and my knees, back, and feet are killing me. Today's first foray back into jogging did not go as smoothly as planned. And, as usual, I overdid it - trying to do the entire neighborhood loop at a full sprint. I was praying for death by the second block. Obviously, I am carrying too much weight to be jumping in so fast. My knees and lower back can attest to that.

I took a roundabout route around the neighborhood, and I thought I was making decent time. I had to stop a few times, but overall, I thought I would have done much worse. Considering how I felt, the route must have been a few miles.

After I finished, I checked my mileage on the car's odometer: one lousy mile. Crap.

Baby steps, Wyatt. Baby steps.

The Amazing Race(s)

If you're a race fan, today is your lucky day. No less than three major races are slated for this afternoon, and every one is a prestigious one. Formula One is in Monaco for the Monaco GP, NASCAR is in Charlotte for the Coca-Cola 600, and the granddaddy of them all, The Indianapolis 500 - where hottie Danica Patrick (below) will be in the field - celebrates its 90th running.

Sorry, my engine is already started.

I'm Dead Sexy!

Or, at least I was. As I mentioned two posts ago, we were cleaning the attic yesterday when found pictures like this one - taken during a rainy cross country meet in 1987. At the time, I was about the same height I am now (5'9"), but I weighed about 130 pounds. Mmm . . . skinny! People talk about the runner's high. For me, it didn't get any better than slogging through a rain-soaked course. Ah, memories.

Striking Oil!

Dwayne Roloson? Yeah, he's pretty good.

Congratulations to the Edmonton Oilers, who just advanced to the Stanley Cup Finals, beating Anaheim by a score of 2-1. Hopefully, they'll face the Buffalo Sabres . . . and kick their asses.

It's Memorial Day Weekend!

God Bless America!

Things I Hate . . . About Me

Yesterday was so busy that I forgot to post the weekly PIH. So, I will focus this week’s edition on myself. It’s not flattering, but when am I ever flattering? Besides, no one reads blogs on a holiday weekend, anyway. Enjoy!

Food Issues

I have food issues, and before Deathlok or Grimjack say it, these particular issues do not involve the word, “gorging.” Despite my robust figure, I have an aversion to many, many foods. For example, I won’t eat anything with visible fat or gristle on it. Thus, steak, pork chops, and the like will not pass these lips. On the other hand, I love seafood, but my wife hates it. Thus, she pulls her hair out trying to think of dinner choices.

I also cannot have my food touch. My peas cannot touch my mashed potatoes, and neither can touch my meat loaf. Otherwise, the family knows there a freak out is coming. My mother-in-law suggested we buy china with the individual food sections you see on certain picnic plastic plates. That’s a good idea.

Coldness and Cynicism

Being a police officer does horrible things to your sensitivity gene. After eleven years of homicides, rapes, and reports of child abuse, it takes a hell of a lot to make me emotional. I try and stay away from funerals, because while others are weeping and mourning, I appear very cold. My thinking is that people die every day. It’s terrible, but that is how I look at it.

Similarly, I have very little time for other people’s nonsense. When knuckleheads waste everyone’s time with inane commentary here, they are usually cut off. SYLG is not a democracy. It is a dictatorship, and I am the biggest DICtator the blogosphere has ever seen.

Lack of Willpower

For my birthday, my sister bought me a t-shirt that said, “This is not a beer gut, it is a protective covering for my rock hard abs.” Unfortunately, I do not have a beer gut. I have a food gut. As of this posting, I am almost back to my original Fat Stat weight of 232 pounds. My observation of Weight Watchers has hardly been stellar, and I haven’t been exercising. I’m ashamed that I simply don’t have the willpower.

Yesterday, we were cleaning the attic, and I found pictures of me during a cross-country meet. It was depressing. I am seriously thinking about hitting the road again. If I can start running, I know the weight will come off.

You Blew It!

Wyatt explains the miscommunication to Deathlok.

After bragging all month long that I would be first in line for X-Men: The Last Stand, I completely and utterly dropped the ball. Yesterday, I mentioned to the wife that I needed to take the Wyattmobile to Saturn for an oil change and inspection. She called and made me an appointment at 2pm - the only slot that was open. I thought all was good with the world.

At about 9pm last night, I sat up and said, "Crap." I was supposed to go to see the film with Bill and Deathlok in the afternoon - the best time on opening day, since many of the little bastards would be in school - and now I have to take the car in for service. Leanne couldn't take it for me, because Erik sleeps from noon to 3pm.

Now, I'm in a pickle.

So, I took the e-mail equivalent of the "Walk of Shame" and told the guys I couldn't go. I never felt more ashamed. Thankfully, Deathlok still went, and gave me a call afterwards. He said it was terrific, and wrote up a pretty good review here.

I am now going to soak my delicates like a good little sissy.

Con-Graduations!

Kyle and the missus at Wednesday's graduation.

Well, fun's over. Wednesday was Kyle's last day at pre-Kindergarten. Starting in September, he will be attending all day Kindergarten at the local elementary school. Maybe I am just showing my age, but I think putting five-year olds through eight-hour school days is a little ridiculous. Cripes, when I was a kid, Kindergarten was always a half day, and I grew up . . . oh, never mind; I'm a mess.

The graduation itself was a blast. Karma must have kicked in, because my boy had his graduation on a roller hockey rink. Sweet! The pre-K class was only sixteen students strong, but every one was excited for the day - or just excited for summer vacation to arrive. The class sung a few songs, and the kids took turns leading everyone. Kyle led a song with two of his friends, but his lips barely moved. When we asked him why he wasn't singing, he replied, "I was shy." Just like Dad.

After the ceremony, we had refreshments in the school. The teachers also gave out pictures of the kids, and booklets every child created for their parents. Most of them were coloring book paper with questions the kids would answer. While perusing Kyle's booklet, I came across two questions in particular:

Q. If I had a million dollars, I would buy . . .

A. 50 thousand dinosaurs.

Q. When I grow up, I want to be . . .

A. Darth Vader.

That's my boy! (Sniff.)

A Public Service Announcement

Hi, I'm sixty-four year old American Idol Taylor Hicks, and I'm here today to talk to you about a very serious matter: erectile dysfunction, or "E.D." Winning American Idol was a dream come true, but it was also a cause for concern. You see, as a rock star, women from across the globe will now want to have sex with me. And that will be a problem, because "Little Taylor" is not the "performer" that it was thirty years ago. That's why I use Viagra.

Viagra (Sildenafil) has given me a second chance to do all the things I wanted to do as a young adult: those "things" being beautiful women. I was turned on to the purple pill by my college roommate Hugh Hefner. Hef raved about Viagra's abilities, as well as his own. How could I possibly begin my world tour without it? Thank you, Viagra! I am now back in the game.

Disclaimer: Viagra may cause bushy eyebrows, premature graying of hair, and goofy smiles. Please ask your doctor if Viagra is right for you.

One More Day . . .

Until the release of X-Men: The Last Stand. Who else is skipping work to see it?

Mystique cuffed to a chair? I'm in!

Golfing Takes A Lot Of Balls

It is said that alcohol dissipates with time. One could also say that drunken memories come back with time. The HHGR recap was missing a few key moments, such as Badger’s 96-foot putt on the ninth green - Yes, we walked out the distance – and Fish’s amazing display of accuracy after consecutively hitting a yardage marker, and two trees on a single hole. There were sound bites galore, which would make a halfway decent list.

Top Ten Things Overheard At HHGR

10. “I went to church today. I raise my kids right.” – Fish, thanking God after his ball skipped off a pond and onto the 18th green.
9. “Jesus, Badger, do you have to break wind every three minutes?” - Everyone
8. “The last time I saw Fish, he was ‘resting’ on a chair at 5am.” – Badger
7. “I’m still drunk.” – Fish, moments before our tee time.
6. “Nice divot. That would make a great toupee, Vinnie.” – Wyatt
5. “Nice hit, Vinnie. Does your husband play?” – Badger
4. “That putt isn’t bad . . . (Ball quickly rolls past the cup.) . . . Now it is.” - Badger
3. “Wyatt, did you pee your pants?” - Badger
2. “Yes, I did.” – Wyatt (Smiling)

And the number one thing overheard at HHGR is . . .

1. “Someone ask that girl if she is wearing panties!” – Vinnie

More Stupid Criminals

There’s nothing more satisfying than getting a confession out of a defendant; except maybe when it takes little to no effort. Such was the case last night, when a suburban, twenty-something female was arrested for filling fake prescriptions at a Philadelphia CVS Pharmacy.

The defendant – let’s call her Penel-dopey – pretended to be an employee of a local doctor’s office, and called in a prescription for painkillers for her fictional grandmother. Thinking that Philadelphia CVS employees were idiots, Penel-dopey thought no one would verify the prescription with the real doctor’s office.

She was wrong.

The CVS wisely substituted the painkillers for sodium bicarbonate (antacid) and gave the pills to the defendant. The defendant went home, took the pills, and when she noticed her pain was not getting better – but her gas problem was much improved – Penel-dopey actually called the CVS to complain. The CVS pharmacist wisely told the defendant to return to the store, and they would fix the order. A moment later, the pharmacist called the police.

When Penel-dopey came back for her real painkillers, she was met by two uniformed officers with her consolation prize – a shiny new set of handcuffs. I brought Penel-dopey up for an interrogation, and after being Mirandized, she quickly admitted that she falsified the prescriptions; and had done so five other times in the past year. She told me she was addicted to the painkillers, and asked if she would be going to prison, because she happens to be twenty-one weeks pregnant. Nice.

A Message From William Jefferson

Hello, I am U.S. Representative William Jefferson (D-La). In today's fast-pace, get-it-done-yesterday world, who has time to prepare fresh meals on a daily basis? Thankfully, the good folks at Tupperware can make it happen.

We all know that Tupperware is the world's leader in food storage products, but did you also know that it is an invaluable tool for hiding your dirty money? Only Tupperware has the trademark burp that seals in freshness. If you don't believe me, just ask the FBI. They will tell you that they never seized currency as fresh as mine. When I betray the public trust, Tupperware is the only product I heartily endorse.

Tupperware: Guaranteed to Seal in Freshness from 25 Years to Life.

Cinderella . . . Out Of Nowhere . . .

Well, I have finally recovered from the Third Annual HHGR Golf Outing. All of the alcohol is out of my system, and after eleven hours of sleep last night, I think I am finally caught up. It takes a hell of a lot of energy to shoot two miserable rounds of 114 and 111, respectively.

Due to language issues - and threats from my friends - about 85% of the outing could never be posted on a public blog, but here are some of the highlights:

• Vinnie and I pulled up to the resort at noon. By 12:30, Vinnie was downing vodka gimlets. Both he and Badger referred to it as "Par Juice."
• After many, many bad experiences, I had my first taste of vodka in almost five years. It tasted like burning.
• My foursome consisted of me, Vinnie, Fish, and Badger. As early as the second hole of the first round, our lack of golf etiquette was exposed. PGA Tour players rarely make wiseass comments about other player's wives/girlfriends in the middle of a backswing.
• Halfway through the first round, the cart girls stopped by. After Vinnie and Badger were done getting more beer, they tipped them pretty well. As soon as they left, Badger said, "I think they liked us." Yeah, they find big tippers dead sexy!
• We lost our first round bet with Badger's brother's foursome by three lousy strokes - which was immediately my fault - so it was off to the pub for dinner and more alcohol. Being the smart one - or the "wuss" if you listen to my friends - I went to bed at 2:15am. Vinnie and Badger rolled in around 3-4am. Fish? Not so much.
• As our tee time approached, there was still no sign of Fish. He finally stumbled to our carts at 8am, threw his bag onto his cart, and almost fell down. Vinnie said, "Wow, Fish, you like like death." Fish responded, "I'm still drunk." Nice.
• Alcohol must be "Par Juice" for Fish, because he shot the lights out on the front nine. As we approached the snack bar after the ninth hole, he said, "I think I finally woke up." He then proceeded to enter the snack bar, and get a pint of Guinness! Now, that's a real guy.
• Deathlok was abused for his choice of hats: a jeff cap made with different colored patches. I told him he looked like Jimmy Olsen, and should be standing on a corner saying, "Extra! Extra! Read all about it!" He was not amused.

On a very positive note, Sean - Badger and Deathlok's brother, who ran the outing - held a 50/50 to benefit the family of slain Police Officer Gary Skerski. The 50/50 took in a total of $1,500, and the winner - a Detective named Jack Wright - won $750, but then gave $250 of that to the family's total, giving them a total of $1,000!

Frozen In Time

Yesterday was Pandy's last birthday - but she only told us today. Stop by and wish her, um, no happy returns, I guess?

Mmm . . . Chocolate!

(From Yahoo!) NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana (AFP) - Embattled New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, who has faced sharp criticism for the city's sluggish recovery from Hurricane Katrina nearly nine months ago, has narrowly defeated a well-heeled challenger to gain reelection.

I was kidding when I said he should be re-elected.

"This city is positioned for growth," Nagin told a crowd of cheering supporters.

No, this city is positioned for more violence, political corruption and utter mismanagement.

"We are ready to take off."

Yeah, next stop: racism and poverty. Congratulations, New Orleans, you deserve what you get.

Exhausted

I'm back, baby!

Unfortunately, I was also fighting sleep while watching the season finale of 24. The episode was very good, but I am too wiped from the last two days to notice. New posts are coming tomorrow, I promise. Until then, I'm going to bed.

Fore! And Pour!

Wyatt, Deathlok, and Vinnie on the links.

The SYLG offices will be closed today and Monday in honor of a national holiday: our annual golf weekend at the Heritage Hills Golf Resort. I will be joining Deathlok, Vinnie, Fish, The Badger, Grimjack, and 140 of our closest friends in York, Pa for the outing. There is a hotel on the course, and the entire weekend (two rounds of golf with carts, a room, and a continental breakfast on Monday morning) will cost less than $150. Sweet.

In reality, the festivities will cost me a lot more. For one, The Badger bet his brother Sean that his foursome could not beat our foursome (Me, Vinnie, Fish, and Badger). That, in and of itself, will cost me money. I went to the driving range with Kyle last week and stunk on ice. On top of that, our foursome is infamous for golf gambling. We usually play a dollar a hole, plus side bets on everything from whether or not Vinnie will make a certain putt, to how hot the cart girl will be.

Of course, golf is not the only attraction at HHGR. The bar/restaurant has Guinness on tap. Hear that, Peakah? The Badger and Vinnie usually get to the course early enough for a few pints, then pile on with vodka gimlets on the course. I try not to drink until we’re completely out of the running for the foursome bet. Then, it’s on! Every year finds us in the bar – or partying in a room – until the wee hours. Hell, last year, we missed our 8am tee time because Badger was passed out drunk and Vinnie was eating his continental breakfast . . . an hour later than everyone else. Good times.

So, when you check out your favorite Blogger tomorrow, the Blogger will be there. However, when you check out SYLG, no one will be here. I’ll resume blogging on Monday night.

Wanted For Fraud: Barry Bonds

Babe, Bonds couldn't hold your jumbo-sized beer.

Baseball is officially dead to me.

A few hours ago, Barry “Syringe” Bonds hit his 714th home run, tying the incomparable Babe Ruth for second on the all-time list. That sound you hear is baseball fans around the globe throwing up in their mouths a little.

As angry as I am at Major League Baseball for virtually ignoring Bonds’ incredible “natural” accumulation of muscle mass, at least they are not touting him as the King of the National Pastime. While there is no evidentiary “smoking gun,” anyone who has seen pictures of the Bonds of ten years ago against the Bonds of today knows something isn’t right here. Whatever his accomplishments – and I believe he was an amazing hitter when he was in pre-Hulk mode – many fans will always view him as little more than a big-mouthed thug. Simply stated, Bonds is a bad guy; which is probably why few people give him the benefit of the doubt.

If there’s a God – and after Saturday night’s game, I doubt there is – Bonds will never break Hank Aaron’s home run record. Hammerin’ Hank and The Babe deserve better.

A Horse Is A Horse, Of Course, Of Course

Unless of course, the horse is named Barbaro. Today at The Preakness, the newest Triple Crown favorite pulled a Franklin Delano Roosevelt: it came up lame. The sound you hear is the gambling community (and Louie the Lock) simultaneously jumping off of bridges.

Personally, I smirked at the news. Not because I wanted to see Barbaro get hurt, but because the Philly media – which is so starved for a champion in this town - has tried to claim the horse as their own; even though Barbaro has a thrice-removed link to Chester County, which is closer to Delaware than Philadelphia. I think the horse’s father’s brother’s uncle’s sister’s neighbor’s dog’s cousin’s owner lives in Chester County. It was quickly careening out of control, like the Smarty Jones fever last year. For the record, Smarty Jones was based in Bensalem – a suburb of Philly – and not the city itself. Not that the media cared. Since when do facts get in the way of a good story?

At this rate, it is quite possible that we will never see a Triple Crown winner.

Stupid Questions

Do you think the Board of Directors at the NHL and falling on their swords after seeing four small-market teams (Anaheim, Buffalo, Carolina, and Edmonton) make it to the playoff conference finals?

Has anyone - besides me and Deathlok - ever seen The Boondock Saints? Watched it last night for the first time. Loved it!

Is anyone surprised at reading this:

MOGADISHU, Somalia - Rival militias massed on the northern edge of Somalia's lawless capital Saturday, prompting hundreds to flee their homes amid fears that another surge of violence was imminent in this Horn of Africa country, witnesses said. Islamic militias and a rival alliance of secular warlords signed a cease-fire last week after more than 140 people were killed in just eight days, but tensions remained high. Most of the casualties have been noncombatants caught in crossfire or killed by stray missiles.

People I Hate

The Senate

WASHINGTON - Whether English is America's "national language" or its national "common and unifying language" was a question dominating the Senate immigration debate.

"Common and unifying language?" What the hell is that???

The Senate first voted 63-34 to make English the national language after lawmakers who led the effort said it would promote national unity.

Good for them. Finally, someone gets it right.

But critics argued the move would prevent limited English speakers from getting language assistance required by an executive order enacted under President Clinton. So the Senate also voted 58-39 to make English the nation's "common and unifying language."

I take back my last statement. The Senate needs to be disbanded.

The United Nations

GENEVA - The United States should close its prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and avoid using secret detention facilities in the war on terror, the U.N. panel that monitors compliance with the world's anti-torture treaty said Friday.

Yeah, we're gonna get right on that.

The Committee Against Torture also said detainees should not be returned to any country where they could face a "real risk" of being tortured.

The Committee Against Torture should follow its own lead and stop torturing us with their inane ideas. Shouldn't you guys be setting up another Oil for Food scandal? Jackasses.

Britney Spears

Do I really need a reason?

(May 18, 6:08PM ET) -- Oops, she almost did it again. Britney Spears stumbled this afternoon as she was leaving a New York City hotel and almost dropped little Sean Preston.

Almost? Whew. The last thing we need is another Spears dropped on their head.

We're told Britney was leaving the Ritz Carlton, holding a drink in her right hand and Sean in her left as she maneuvered through a crowd of onlookers. Britney moves through the crowd and then she suddenly trips, the baby's head goes backward and his hat flies off his head. Britney regained her balance and the baby seemed ok.

Well, at least she didn't drop the drink! Miss Spears, your priorities seem to be in order. Carry on.

Follow The Bouncing Balls

Warning: The following true police story is guaranteed to make all men cringe. Read with caution.

On Tuesday night, our detective division received the most brutal arrest in recorded history. The woman was involved in an argument with her boyfriend. The cause of the argument is not clear, but whatever the source, it made the defendant absolutely lose it.

The woman rushed the boyfriend, removed his pants, and bared her claws. She thrust her fingernails into the boyfriend's scrotum, gouging and tearing as she struck. The blood-curdling screams of her boyfriend only incensed her more, and soon her fingernails drew blood. The sight of blood was not a deterrent, as the defendant kept gouging and tearing away.

Here's where the gentlemen should stop reading.

After a minute or two, the defendant tore so much of the boyfriend's scrotum away, that both testicles fell out. (Jesus, that was tough to write.) Obviously the sight of the boyfriend's unleashed testicles was enough to cease the assault. The police arrive, see what happened, and immediately place the woman under arrest. The victim was transported to the hospital, and was listed in critical condition.

I just wanted to make sure everyone had a terrific weekend. No matter how you spend it, it has to be better than this guy's day.

Back, Back, Back, Back!

Good news, everyone! I received yet another reply from the French. This time, it was from the French Embassy Press Service. (They must be the guys who put all of the starch in the frogs' stuffed shirts.) Please stand clear of your computer, lest their backpedaling injure young readers:

Dear Sir/Madam,

(Insert best Cameron Frye voice) Call me "Sir" God damnit!

We have taken note of your message concerning the decision that was made by the Town Hall of Saint Denis and which only involves this city. It does not involve, nor in any way reflect the position of France.

Of course. I understand completely, since your country has been breaking its collective backs disavowing the Saint Denis position. Oh, wait a second. I haven't heard one peep about your official position, nor have I heard any denouncement of the position of France's San Francisco!

Cordialement / Regards
Service de Presse et d'Information / Press & Information Service
Ambassade de France / Embassy of France
Washington, D.C.

They're writing in some kind of moon man language!

Here are a few fun facts about Saint Denis:

• Many of the residents are Muslim immigrants from former French colonies.
• Former French king Dagobert is buried there. Isn't he the dog from Dilbert?
• Saint-Denis was occupied by the Germans on June 13, 1940. Go figure.

Oh yeah, and the townspeople are obviously asshats.

Good News, Everyone!

After today's capture, I'm in a fab mood. Thus, you, dear readers, deserve some eye candy. Enjoy!

Salma Hayek = Muy Yummy!

Tom Welling? I guess the chicks like him.

WE GOT HIM!!!

Not 100% confirmed, but it looks like this is the cop-killing scumbag:

(CBS 3) PHILADELPHIA Police made an arrest Thursday afternoon in connection to the murder of Philadelphia Police Officer Gary Skerski.

The suspect, 23-year-old Solomon Montgomery, believed to be Officer Skerski’s killer, was taken into custody after a shootout with police in the 5700 block of N. 19th Street, near Chew Street in the Olney.

Sources tell CBS 3 Montgomery was wanted in California and it was that warrant police were serving when the shootout went down.

The suspect was shot twice during the confrontation and taken to Einstein Medical Center.

“We did develop information about a suspect today (Thursday), our homicide detectives were searching for the suspect and that suspect we were searching for that person is in our custody at the hospital,” said Capt. Naish.

No police were injured during the shootout.

46-year-old Officer Skerski was gunned down last Monday night while responding to a robbery Pat’s Cafe in the Frankford section of the city. Skerski, a 16-year-veteran of the 15th District, encountered the shotgun wielding suspect and was shot in the neck.

Skerski was taken Temple where he died hours later. The Community Relations Officer left behind a wife and two children.

I hope you fry in hell, you son of a bitch. They caught him in MY DIVISION!!! And I had to be off today. Damnit.

I'll Rochambeau You For It

Check out this bull crap reply I received after I sent the French Embassy my thoughts on Rue Mumia abu Jamal: (My rebuttals are in red.)

"Dear Sir/Madam,"

It's "Sir" to you! Friggin' frogs!

"Thank you for writing to us to share your comments and concerns. We read every message we receive with great interest, and we try to reply to as many as possible."

Thank YOU for fisting Philadelphia cops by naming a street after Danny Faulkner's convicted murderer.

"France and the United States share a long and close history. As you may already know, France is the United States’ oldest ally. The two countries signed a treaty of alliance in 1778, and French troops, commanded by General Rochambeau, helped George Washington defeat the British in the fight for American Independence."

Learn your history, Pierre. France observed the policy of "The enemy of my enemy is my friend" in 1778. England was France's greatest threat, and only when the British were on the ropes - in the latter stages of The Revolution - did the French pile on. Your country was nowhere to be seen in 1776-77, when the Colonies were getting routed.

"One hundred years later, to symbolize the strong friendship between the two countries, the French nation built the Statue of Liberty, and presented it to the United States as a gift in 1886."

Wow, you built us a statue? That's swell; and much better than your airspace privileges!

"A grateful United States helped defend France in World War 1 (1914-1918) and liberated our country from Nazi occupation in World War 2 (1939-1945)."

Wait a minute. You morons think that we pulled your asses out of the fire in TWO World Wars because we appreciated your gift? Unlike your actions in the Revolutionary War, in World War I the United States believed it was its moral duty to help a nation in the middle of a rout - albeit after the sinking of The Lusitania.

"The two nations continue to cooperate closely, particularly in the fight against terrorism. Many joint operations have taken place in east and north Africa, in the Middle East and in the Caucasus. France contributed 5,500 soldiers to the America-led effort against the Taliban in Afghanistan and was the only nation to send bombers alongside those of its American allies."

Eh, what? East and north Africa and in the Cascasus? How about helping out a little in Iraq? Or would that remind you of the Oil for Food scandal?

"To learn more about French-American relations, please visit . . ."

I would run right over to your website, but I have better things to do: like lancing a boil. Morons.

Violent Night, Holy Night . . .

Once in a while, my detective division has a quiet, uneventful night. A night where the detectives more or less sit and twiddle their collective thumbs.

Last night was not one of those nights.

4:00pm - I walk into the squad room and get hit with a burglary that was reported on Sunday. Nice. The doer entered the building by breaking a window, and despite the blood trail from the window to the storage area, the cops did not process the scene. Hmm, I would think that the doer's BLOOD would give us a clue as to who committed the burglary!

4:20pm - The lieutenant yells to Stan that there is a police discharge. A cop shot a pit bull twice as it was attacking a girl and her grandmother. Stan asks me if I want to go out to the scene. Hmm, a chance to help process a police discharge, collect shell casings, and see a bleeding dog? Yeah, I'm in!

When we arrived on the scene, the officer and the dog were still on location. The dog was indeed hit twice - and bleeding like a stuck pig - but it was still alive. According to the officer and the witnesses (the ones who would talk to us, and not the ones who told us to go f**k ourselves, that is) the grandmother was walking her poodle when the pit bull escaped from its yard. The pit bull charged the poodle, and when granny and the granddaughter tried to intervene, the pit bull started tearing at them. Granny was bitten on the hand, but the girl was okay.

The cop pulled up to the scene, smartly cleared the area, and shot the pit bull point blank in the torso. The first shot only made the dog mad. The second one was enough for the pit bull to run away. The Internal Affairs Shooting Team arrived shortly after, and took the officer to IAB for a mandatory interview. The officer should be cleared quickly.

6:30pm - Dinner! Cup of Soup for me, so I can make Weight Watchers points.

8:00pm - The deskman tells Joe that there was a home invasion, and he has the job. I was caught up, so I went out to the scene with him. Get this story:

A black male enters a warehouse/apartment building with a kitchen knife. He grabs the occupants, an elderly Vietnamese couple, and forces them upstairs in the course of the robbery. The dirtbag believes that is where the couple keeps their money. When they get to the third floor, the black male puts the knife to the elderly male's back and walks him into the other room. Big mistake. As he turns away from the woman - who had to be 60 years old, and only five feet tall - the woman grabs a meat cleaver from the counter and chops the robber in the back of the head. The robber yells, and the woman hits him again, splitting his head open.

The robber drops the knife where he stands, and runs out of the house, trailing lots of blood. The trail stops where the robber collapses, and a medic unit is called. When police meet the couple, they tell them what happened, and describe the offender. The cops follow the blood trail to the medic unit, who is working on the offender, and the couple positively identifies the moron.

The offender is taken to the hospital, and while in the trauma room, he tries to fight with the female officers and the E.R. staff. The 18-year old claims he was hit with "something" for no reason, and denies ever robbing anyone. When the officers explain the he just got his ass kicked by a Vietnamese Dr. Ruth, the scumbag clams up.

10:30pm - After processing the scene, Joe and I go to the E.R. The cops say that the offender is not talking, and the hospital staff concurs. A sergeant walks in, and here's where Wyatt makes a funny:

Sergeant: "He's not talking? Do we know his name?"

Me: "Yeah. Ward Cleaver."

The room erupts in laughter.

Breaking OUT Is Hard To Do

. . . Unless, of course, your name is Michael Scofield. Last night’s season finale of Prison Break was excellent, and included a multitude of surprises. Scofield’s crew did indeed break out of Fox River Penitentiary, and the episode revolved around the ensuing manhunt. All year, I have been saying that Prison Break is a program on par with 24, and is has been a terrific lead-in to the Fox powerhouse. (And, of course, I have to thank my friend, Bill, for convincing me the show was worth my time.) Last night's episode proved my point.

Caution: Spoiler Alert Below!

As we ease into the summer reruns, let's take stock of what has transpired:

• Scofield's crew escaped Fox River without D.B. Cooper, who presumably died from his chest injuries.
• After getting Abruzzi's van, the crew left the meeting point without Haywire, who stole a girl's bike and cycled to possible safety.
• The "Tweener" was sent on his own after Michael threatened to tell the crew his secret. We last see him hiding in a horse truck headed for St. Louis. I am hoping "Tweener" is killed off.
• T-Bag (I love this guy. He's SUCH a weasel!) cuffed himself to Michael so the crew wouldn't harm him. Bad idea, since Abruzzi pulled a Jack Bauer/Chase Edmunds on him, cutting off his hand with an axe. Ouch!
• The President had a fatal heart attack, and the scumbag VP was sworn in. Dang.
• Veronica found the VP's brother hiding in Montana. Oh, and he's not dead.
• As the crew ran to the airstrip (with police in pursuit) the getaway plane took off without them. The crew is last seen running through a field.
• And the saddest part of the episode: Sara, stricken with guilt and grief over Michael's lies, overdosed on morphine. Police found her body in her apartment. This part pissed me off, because I loved the Sara character.

All in all, I thought it was a fabulous episode, but I worry that the creators went a little overboard. Sara and Cooper - two main characters - were killed off, and the crew didn't reach the plane. If I had even the slightest clue about what next season will bring, I may be happier, but as it stands, I don't know where they are going with this. I'll be front row, center for the 2nd season premiere, but I hope the strong storylines continue.

Unfortunately, I doubt I'll see Sara come back.

R.I.P, Doctor Sara Tancredi

Will They Call It "Rue Cop Killer?"

Just DIE already, you cop-killing piece of garbage!

If you haven't already done it, boycott France!

PHILADELPHIA (AP) — A street in a Paris suburb has been named in honor of Mumia Abu-Jamal, who was convicted of the 1981 murder of a Philadelphia police officer.

“In France, they see him as a towering figure,” said Suzanne Ross, co-chair of the Free Mumia Coalition of New York City, who was part of an April 29 ceremony to dedicate the Rue Mumia Abu-Jamal in the city of St. Denis.

Ross said the street is in the town’s Human Rights district, which includes Nelson Mandela Stadium. Abu-Jamal, a former radio reporter and member of the Black Panther party, was sentenced to death in 1982 for the shooting of 25-year-old Daniel Faulkner. He has maintained his innocence. His writings and taped speeches have made him a cause celebre among Hollywood activists, foreign politicians and some death-penalty opponents who believe he was the victim of a racist justice system.

The 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals last year agreed to consider three counts of Abu-Jamal’s appeal, allegations that there was racial bias in jury selection, that the prosecutor gave an improper summation and that a judge in a previous appeal was biased.

Faulkner’s widow, Maureen, called the street dedication “disgusting” and urged Philadelphia residents planning a visit to Paris this summer to cancel their trips. In 2001, the Paris City Council made Abu-Jamal an honorary citizen.

“This is so unnerving for me to get this news,” Faulkner said from Los Angeles, where she lives. “It’s insulting to the police officers of Philadelphia that they are naming a street after a murderer.”

Daniel Faulkner has been honored by a memorial plaque installed at the scene of the shooting at 13th and Locust Streets in Philadelphia.

I think I'm going to be sick. If anyone actually wants to read the truth about what happened, it can be found here.

(Hat Tip - Bob)

Oh, Shoot!

God, I suck. Last night, I attended my yearly re-qualification for my city-issued Glock 17 pistol. Philadelphia's Police Pistol Range is outside at the Academy, so you have to weather the elements; in this case, cold, hard rain and thunderclaps. Swell.

The MPO Training course consists of 60 rounds, fired from the 25, 15, 7, and 5-yard lines respectively. The state made the qualification practically idiot-proof by having officers shoot only six measly rounds from the 25-yard line. Failing is (hypothetically) impossible.

We line up and begin at the 7-yard line, firing three sets of six rounds at the targets. The first twelve are dead on, then I had a brain cramp. While trying to rush through the last six, I threw a round from seven frakking yards! It missed the five-point ring by a half-inch, and hit the three-point ring. Chances of a perfect score: gone!

The rest of the night was a rage-filled haze. I couldn't believe I missed that shot from so close. Unbelievably, I hit the five-point ring with every other shot, and ended up with a total score of 99.

God, I suck.

Go "Fourth" And Beat The CUG

Hey, I took 4th place in GOP and the City's Weekend Caption Contest! I lost out to Pam, whose entry truly deserved the win. However, once again, I beat jimmyb like a rented mule. Congrats also to Deathlok, who placed in the top ten.

It's No Fun Being An Illegal Alien

Fans of Prison Break and 24 will be getting the "screw-gee" by President Bush tonight. The President will be addressing the nation on the illegal immigration issue at 8pm (EDT). I guess no one told him that Prison Break's season finale is scheduled for the same time. Putz.

Anyway, illegal immigration is not the only issue that Bush will be tackling this evening. SYLG got hold of the President's cue cards, and is ready to expose ten highlights of his agenda. Sorry to ruin the surprise, but Bush is screwing up my television schedule.

Top Ten Highlights Of Tonight's Address

10. In an attempt to de-glorify illegal immigration, Napoleon Dynamite will now wear a shirt that reads, "Vote for Peter."
9. Ray Nagin will check all immigrants for skin tone. Light skinned Mexicans will be turned away, since they are not "Chocolate" enough.
8. The Canadian border will be secured to prevent the influx of maple syrup and Molson Ice.
7. If illegal immigration does not stop, we will simply move the country to Mexico.
6. Ted Kennedy will offer to drive every illegal across the Rio Grande.
5. Every illegal will now be strip searched by a naked Helen Thomas.
4. Illegals will be guaranteed jobs that no American wants; such as Tom Cruise's publicist.
3. Every mutant will forced to register with the government. (Sorry, that's a President McKenna issue.)
2. Mexican Taco Bell restaurants will change their slogan from "Make a Run for the Border" to "Stay Where You Are!"

And the number one highlight of tonight's address is:

1. National Guardsmen will be stationed outside the Ring Ding factory due to the growing Rosie O'Donnell problem.

Hitting The Links

For lack of a better post, here are a few things I found while surfing my sidebar:

The Anti-Hippie is growing up. And the first lesson of adulthood is that women will frak up your head.

For some reason, the “server” at Fmragtops won’t accept my comments. At least Fm claims it is the server.

GOP and College’s Caption Contest is in full swing. Ride on over and submit your entry.

GOP and the City’s Weekend Caption Contest is also up and running. My entry is hella-lame, so someone is bound to win. It could be you.

Pandy from What Panda? may be pregnant. Again. Then again, she may not be. Either way, she is well on her way to “More fertile than Carla Tortelli” status. I’m afraid to leave a comment on her blog for fear of knocking her up.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all of the hard-working moms out there. Take the day off, Peg. You deserve it.

A National Tragedy Averted

Define irony:

BOSTON - A plane carrying U.S. Sen. Edward M. Kennedy from western Massachusetts to his home on the coast was struck by lightning Saturday and had to be diverted to New Haven, Conn., his spokeswoman said.

The eight-seat Cessna Citation 550 plane lost all electrical power, including communications, and the pilot had to fly the plane manually, according to spokeswoman Melissa Wagoner. No one was hurt. - (Courtesy, Yahoo! News)

Normally, I would think that this "Act of God" would be payback for Kennedy's past indiscretions. Of course, with a record as squeaky clean as Teddy's . . .

Oh, never mind.

Long Day

Sorry for the lack of posting today, but I finally got a few minutes to spare. Here's the rundown of the last 24 hours:

Vampire Chronicles: Bedtime didn't come until 2am, after the wife and I spent the evening cleaning for today's family get-together. Oh, and I finally saw the Smallville season finale, which was pretty damned sweet.

Idiot Weathermen: After being assured of a rainy day - and a cancelled t-ball game - Kyle woke me at 8am to a sun-filled room and a trip to the ball field. Crud.

The "T" stands for Tired: Kyle's t-ball team has 12 players on the roster. Why the hell did only 5 show up?

Next Stop: Heaven: The birthday gift from my in-laws was spent well at Jack's Racing Collectibles in Riverside, NJ. If you are a fan of NASCAR, this place is heaven on earth.

Next Stop: Hell: (Just kidding.) The Earp clan descended upon Casa de Wyatt for food, beer, and insults. There's definitely a post in here somewhere.

The Lady in Black: Everyone got out of Dodge in time for me to enjoy the race at Darlington. As of this posting, Jimmie Johnson is 2nd, Jeff Gordon is 4th, and all four of my drivers are in the top six. Sweet!

Re-Elect Ray Nagin!

For the first time in history, SYLG is throwing a hearty endorsement to a Democrat. In the race for Mayor of New Orleans, there is no choice: Ray Nagin must be re-elected. Sure, my motives are selfish in nature - he is terrific blog post material - but Nagin has proven leadership. Like "Diamond" Joe Quimby of Springfield, Nagin always has his constituents at heart. Speaking of Mayor Quimby, allow me to vamp Nagin's campaign with an altered version of a Quimby political ad - glommed from The Simpsons.

Without a Mayor Nagin, our town would really sink,
We wouldn't have a bus yard, or a mid-size roller rink.
We wouldn't have our gallows, or our shiny gator traps,
It's not the mayor's fault that the Superdome collapsed.

Nagin. If you were running for mayor, he'd vote for you.

Paid for by the "Mayor Nagin for Mayor" Mayoral Committee.

People I Hate

Another week, another fabulous edition of PIH. Enjoy!

This son of a bitch
This is a compostie sketch of the piece of detritus wanted for the murder of Philadelphia Police Officer Gary Skerski. The award for information leading to his capture is now at $125,000. Officer Skerski's funeral took place this morning, and this animal is still on the loose. Unacceptable.

O.J. Simpson

Speaking of murderers, O.J. Simpson has a new pay-per-view special:

In a scene from his new candid-camera program "Juiced," O.J. Simpson pulls a prank involving the infamous white Bronco, drawing criticism from the family of a man he was accused of killing.

As part of the pay-per-view show, Simpson pretends to sell the Bronco at a used car lot and boasts to a prospective buyer that he made the vehicle famous, according to a segment aired Thursday on "Inside Edition."

"It was good for me it helped me get away," Simpson said, referring to the slow-speed, televised police chase that preceded his 1994 arrest on charges of murdering his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend, Ronald Goldman.

I have only a few questions. How the hell does a murdering thug like O.J. Simpson get a pay-per-view special? How can he continually place himself in the public eye after he turned his wife into a Pez dispenser? And finally, why is O.J. still allowed to walk the earth?

Barry Bonds

By the time you read this, Bonds may have tied the great Babe Ruth for second place on baseball's all-time home run list. When that happens, I am officially done with Major League Baseball. The MLB has determined that since Bonds hasn't admitted he has been using steroids, and that he has not been caught, there will be no dreaded asterisk * next to his career stats. Of course, the fact that a 37-year old man is adding size and muscle obviously doesn not send up any red flags. I guess they have a point, since this guy looks exactly like the behemoth that now wears Bonds' jersey:

By the way, when the Giants were in Philly last week, I saw the funniest banner ever:

"Babe Ruth did it on hot dogs and beer!" Brilliant.

SYLG Profile: Deathlok

“Are you the creator of Hi and Lois, because you are making me laugh?” – The Comic Book Guy, The Simpsons

Deathlok is a brother of The Badger and another graduate of Archbishop Ryan High School. As a young boy, he survived a meteor shower, but walked away with awesome powers; namely, the power to know anything and everything about comic books. His powers only strengthened after his stint as a comic book store clerk with Grimjack. If you need to know the origin of Emma Frost, or who is the mother of Nightcrawler, Deathlok is your guy. It is rumored that The Comic Book Guy is based upon his life story.

Despite Deathlok’s awesome comic book powers, he actually landed a lovely bride; a beautiful redhead who dabbles in Irish Dance. Jackpot! In Deathlok’s uber-Celtic household, Sinn Fein isn’t radical enough. I dare not tell them that my father’s family has roots in England; I would have to get my wife to start my car every day.

Deathlok’s kryptonite is sports. While he always puts forth a gallant effort, his hockey skills come up small – unless, of course, it is during a hockey fight. In the midst of an impending brawl, he once slammed a thug in the back with his hockey stick. Nice! Fortunately for us, his hockey knowledge is unsurpassed. He is the commish of our fantasy hockey league, a Flyers season ticket holder, and devoted Nick Fotiu fan. It also helps that, as a government employee, he can continuously surf the web at work.

Deathlok: when you absolutely, positively have to find Japanese anime filth overnight.

The Inner Circle's Greatest Moments

So, you think hanging out with my friends is easy? It’s not all poops and giggles. Like the Seinfeld gang, we do our best to continually screw each other over at every opportunity, and exploit embarrassing situations to the fullest. Take this post for example. Since only Deathlok and Grimjack have their own blogs, I can reveal everyone else’s “greatest” moments. Enjoy!

10. One of Fish’s first cars was a Dodge Charger. It was a manual transmission, and during one of Fish’s “moments of clarity,” he decided to replace the shift knob with the head of a Marge Simpson doll. Fish filled the head with clay, stuck it on the shifter, and shifted Marge for months to come.
9. During a weekend at Badger’s parents shore house, Badger’s unbelievably hot girlfriend stopped by. Vinnie was so enamored with her that he asked to take a picture of her perfectly flat stomach. She agreed.
8. I once ordered a cheeseburger from Friendly’s and when the hot waitress asked how I want it prepared, I replied, “That will be fine, thank you.”
7. During a drunken nighttime walk, Badger and Vinnie were crossing a railroad bridge. Vinnie noticed a light in the distance, and said, “What’s that?” Badger replied, “TRAIN!” They barely made it to the end of the bridge before the freight train plowed by.
6. After yet another raucous frat party, Badger and Louie the Lock thought an earring would be cool – so they attempted to push a safety pin through their lobes.
5. After taking heat for looking like a slob, Fish wore his best knit sweater to a college frat party. Minutes after arriving, the bartender accidentally poured beer all over his sleeve.
4. Badger asked out a restaurant hostess, who declined because she was married. The hostess then held up her hand and taunted Badger by saying, “Gotta check the fingers!”
3. Louie the Lock was hammered out of his mind at a college party when his mom called. Sensing Lou’s inebriation, she asked to talk to Fish. Lou responded, “You can’t talk to him, mom. He’s over there not drinking.”
2. During a theft outside LaSalle University, Vinnie referred to the man stealing his case of beer as “Cuz.” (Short for “Cousin.”) The thief stopped, turned to Vinnie, and said, “It ain’t yer place to be callin’ me ‘Cuz.’”
1. Once while we were driving by a wedding, Randal Graves yelled to the bridal party, “I had her!”

He Talks With A "List"

Deathlok has immortalized me in this week’s Top 5 List: Top 5 Things That Wyatt Hates. That’s the problem with bloggers who know you so well; they usually hit these posts right on the head. I would sue for copyright infringement if the post wasn’t so damned funny. Check it out here.

Fat Stat Update

I didn’t post about the Fat Stat last week, but I did update the sidebar. I figured a weekly post was unnecessary, but I also didn’t want people to think I was off the wagon (or is it “on the wagon?”). I am still struggling, for no other reason than I am a very weak man. Luckily, I have not gained any weight since last week – but I haven’t lost any, either. I am still at a “way too heavy” 225, but I have been cycling every day this week and hopefully, I’ll start losing again.

A Dark Day

Today, we are mourning the loss of one of our own.

Last night, Philadelphia police officer Gary Skerski and his partner responded to a radio call for a robbery inside a bar at the corner of Adams Avenue and Arrott Street. The call came from a female who was in the restroom as the robbery occurred. The officers approached the bar, and Officer Skerski covered the side door, while his partner covered the front.

The son of a bitch who was robbing the bar was armed with a shotgun, and when the officers pulled up, the patrons heard him say something to the effect of “Watch as I kill this pig.” The scumbag exited the bar by the side door, and immediately shot Officer Skerski at close range in the neck and head. The doer then fled on foot, and is still at large.

Officer Skerski was rushed to Temple University Hospital, but died soon afterwards. He is survived by his wife and two small children.

Stupid Questions

Why is the Philadelphia FOP President spending our money to mail us his letter of intention to run for City Council? And who the hell is running our FOP while he is running for office?

With all of the human and signal intelligence collected by our military, why would anyone object to a general heading up the CIA?

Is anyone going to watch the 7th Heaven series finale? I hear Jessica Biel will make an appearance. Mmm . . . Jessica.

Sick, Twisted Freaks Unite!

Somebody must have dropped the ball at CNN Headline News.

Tonight, Glenn Beck - SYLG’s favorite conservative talk-show host - will debut his new television show at 7pm on Headline News. Did we mention the network is a division of CNN? Beck’s radio program is the third highest rated show in the country, and although his humor is an acquired taste, it eventually wins you over. (Glenn is infamous for claiming to “wrap his head in duct tape” after hearing a particularly idiotic news item.) Hopefully, his show will translate well to television.

To give you an idea of what to expect, Beck played a portion of the Headline News program on his radio show. In it, he was interviewing some jerkass from the ACLU that was crying about FAA profiling. Beck then showed the man two pictures; the first was a Middle Eastern male who is a known terrorist from the U.S. watch list, and the second was a smiling elderly grandmother. Beck then asks, “Which one do you think is a terrorist?” The ACLU toad avoided the question. Fabulous! I’ll be tuning in.

A Fitting Tribute

So, I get a call from my hot little partner this morning – who, unfortunately, I haven’t seen or talked to in a while – and she asks me if I went to the retirement party my former district held yesterday. When I stopped laughing, I told her, “Hell no!” Why the cynicism? Primarily because one of the retirees that was being honored was my former sergeant. You remember this asshat; he was the dink who made my pre-promotion life miserable. Since I purposely missed the festivities, I thought I should honor the sergeant in a truly respectful way:

Sergeant, when I heard you were retiring, I was moved to tears. Now who will give me such terrific blog material? Where will we find another completely inept, embarrassingly clueless police supervisor? Who else can treat hardworking cops like dirt, while pandering to the toads? Where will we find another Bible thumper who so proficiently uses the “F” word? I am truly at a loss. You, sir, are (hopefully) one of a kind. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass.

I am sorry that I missed your party, but I had better things to do; like shaving my back.

Fly The Deadly Skies

Hi, I am national hero Jack Bauer. Are you tired of hapless shoe bombers ruining your in-flight movie? Are you a gun-toting, red-blooded American who packs a drop-piece for his drop-piece? Do you wish there was an airline that catered to the average law-abiding citizen? Well, at Jack Bauer Airlines, we can make your travel dreams come true!

Safety is the number one concern at JBA, and to prove it, we not only allow our passengers to carry firearms: we encourage it! Some people question this policy, but fear not: I have personally trained and certified every member of every JBA flight crew. My people are proficient in the deadly arts, and there is no tactical situation that they cannot overcome. I guarantee it. If one of my airliners is hijacked, downed, or threatened in any way, I will track down, torture, and kill the person or persons responsible. I will even film it for the entertainment of your survivors. No one is above my law; not even the President of the United States.

The JBA fleet consists of converted C-130 gunships, armed to the teeth with the most technologically advanced weaponry. In addition, a pair of F-4 Phantom fighters escorts the JBA fleet. Your flight will not be shot down, but if it is, we will take some people down with us. Our added defenses do not infringe on your creature comforts, however, because at JBA every seat is considered First Class. Leather seats abound, our meals are prepared by the finest chefs America has to offer – JBA refuses to do business with the French – and our drink carts are plentiful. Let me prove it to you. Call JBA today!

Jack Bauer Airlines: Fly the Deadly Skies.

(Cross-posted at Blogs4Bauer.)

The Excuse Rolodex

This week, Rhode Island Representative Patrick Kennedy got into trouble this week when he ran a security checkpoint, nearly striking a Capitol Police vehicle. Kennedy’s headlights were not on, and officers on the scene allege that the representative had been drinking. After originally explaining away the incident, Kennedy told the media that he did not remember anything about that evening. He must have gotten hold of the Kennedy Excuse Rolodex. Thankfully, sources close to SYLG also obtained this precious Kennedy Reputation Saver, and we would like to pass this information along to the public.

The Top Ten Kennedy Family Excuses

10. “It’s okay. I’m a Kennedy.” - Interchangeable
9. “My cat-like vision makes headlights unnecessary.” – Patrick Kennedy
8. “Schindler funneled money to the Nazis, too, and he was applauded.” – Joe Kennedy
7. “I did not have sex with that woman, Miss Monroe.” – JFK
6. “Khrushchev triple-dog dared us to take the Bay of Pigs.” – RFK
5. “John wanted the top down in Dallas to feel the wind in his hair.” – Jackie Kennedy
4. “I can fly this thing solo. They do it all the time on ‘Wings.’” – JFK, Jr
3. “Mary Jo said she was an Olympic-caliber swimmer.” – Teddy Kennedy
2. “She tripped and fell crotch-first into my lap.” – William Kennedy Smith

And the number one Kennedy Family Excuse is . . .

1. “I wasn’t drunk. Those two unicorns at the bar were drunk.” – Interchangeable

This Bud's For Him

After a ten-month long drought, Dale Earnhardt, Jr finally returned to Victory Lane. Junior took the checkered flag during last night’s Crown Royal 400, after passing “Super Baby” Kevin Harvick in the final laps. Harvick - who probably cost me money after folding toward the end: I had him picked to win – exited his vehicle after the race and disappeared. Even his crew stated they had no idea where Harvick was hiding. Perhaps he was standing in line at The Testicle Store.

Junior moved up to sixth place in the overall standings, as Jeff Gordon – who had late-race engine trouble, dropped like a stone. Jimmie Johnson is still the leader, while Gunn Nutt’s favorite driver Tony Stewart inched his way up to second. Next week, the series travels to Darlington, South Carolina to face “The Lady in Black.”

Night Racin' At Richmond

The Crown Royal 400 is currently underway at Richmond International Raceway. Rumors that Teddy and Patrick Kennedy are in attendance for free booze have not been confirmed. Heh.

In Fantasy League News, the team I share with Louie the Lock (Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson) are tied for first place after the first quarter of the season. Tonight's event will decide if we win the tie breaker - and split the first quarter dough.

People I Hate

So, I'm watching The Silence of the Lambs for the umpteenth time - absolutely LOVE IT - and it hits me: today is Friday, and I forgot PIH. Crap! It's a little (okay, a lot) late, but here it is. Enjoy!

Bobby Clarke

This is going to set my fellow Flyers fans off, but I can't help it. Clarke is the GM of the Philadelphia Flyers. You remember the Flyers, the "professional" ice hockey team that rarely (if ever) survives the first round of the NHL playoffs. Well, lightning struck yet again in South Philly this year, as the home team got boned worse than Moussaoui ever will; courtesy of Pandy's favorite team, The Buffalo Sabres. What truly bothers me about Clarke is that he has done so little to make this team better - the acquisition of Peter Forsberg is the exception that proves the rule - and he gets a bigger pass than Patrick Kennedy. For every Peter Forsberg signing, there are tens of Chris Therien acquisitions. I guess I don't blame Clarke's lazy attitude. If I had his job security, I wouldn't do jack squat, either.

The powers behind the WTC Memorial

WTC? It's more like WTF?! I have a few questions. Why has it taken five years to even break ground on this monstrosity? Why are officials trying to cut the funding for the project one day after the bulldozers roll in? Why the hell does this damned thing cost $1 BILLION??? And finally, why isn't the country ranting about the absurd lack of progress here?

Cesar Millan, The "Dog Whisperer"

Do I really need to elaborate on this one? This jackass has a "Dog Psychiatry Center." Are you kidding me? What's worse is that Sigmund Fraud has his own show on the National Geographic Channel. It's official: anyone in America can get their own television show.

Just A Reminder . . .

X-Men 3 opens in exactly three weeks.

Bueno Cinco De Mayo!

Vote For Pedro!

Then get the hell out of my country, you illegal bastards!

No Death For You!

The nation is abuzz with talk about the ridiculous Moussaoui verdict, but few people realize the jury awarded the defendant with privileges other than life imprisonment. Using my crack detective skills, I managed to find ten other awards that have not been released to the public.

Top Ten Little Known Moussaoui Jury Awards

10. In preparation for the afterlife, “Like a Virgin” will be played on a continuous loop.
9. A copy of the PC game “Flight Simulator” will be at his disposal.
8. Moussaoui will have extra fluffy pillows and a turn down service nightly.
7. After the Gitmo scandal, only The King James Bible will be flushed down the toilet.
6. Saddam Hussein will be brought in for “conjugal visits.”
5. Fox will broadcast “America’s Funniest National Tragedies” in his honor.
4. For protection, prison personnel will introduce Moussaoui as “Kirby Puckett.”
3. All shanks will be checked for pork residue prior to his stabbings.
2. Moussaoui will be a celebrity judge on “Infidel Dial-A-Date.”

And the number one little known Moussaoui jury award is . . .

1. In the shower, Moussaoui will always be bent over facing Mecca.

Tee-Ball: The "T" Stands For Fun!

Kyle getting yet another base hit.

On Saturday, my five-year old son Kyle took his first steps toward the Hall of Fame. It was his first tee ball game in the four and five-year old league, and I think I was just as excited as he was. Saturday was picture day at the field, and my son’s team (wearing maroon shirts) needed a name. The coach asked the players (both boys and girls) for ideas on a name. After nixing suggestions of “Pepperonis” and “Monkeys,” Kyle shouted out, “Hawks” – the perfect name for the child of a Saint Joseph’s graduate. Everyone approved, and The Hawks were official.

The game started, and the parents were given the ground rules. The game will last two full innings, and everyone gets an at-bat per inning. The last batter circles the bases after he or she hits the ball, and all throws are to first base. There are no outs, and every game ends in a tie. As far as an introductory league, these rules are terrific. Everyone has fun, and no one cares about winning or losing.

Kyle had his two at-bats, and as they say on ESPN, “He hit the ball real hard.” His fielding was better than average, and he has a great arm. (That’s not me talking; his coach told him he has to ease up on “throwing the ball so hard.”) In my absolutely biased opinion, he is the best kid on the team. At worst, he is in the top three.

After the game, Kyle was happy that the score was tied because, “That is fair, Dad,” and he admitted he had a blast. His second game was yesterday, and he played well in the field, and hit his second ball into the outfield. Kid’s a prodigy . . . and I’m a happy pappy.

LIFE IN PRISON?!!!

Congratulations, Virginia! You have now passed New York as the dumbest state in the Union.

Moussaoui admitted his involvement in 9-11, and laughed about throughout the trial. And you give him life in prison? What the hell is wrong with you people???!!!

I guess it's true what we say at work: never trust your life to twelve people who aren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Exit: Stage Left

You lost 7-1? Show some frakkin’ pride!!!

Let’s give a laurel and hearty handshake to the Philadelphia Flyers for their hard work during their first round playoff series. Gentlemen, you showed true grit and moxie against the Buffalo Sabres, and although you did not advance to the next round, you made your city proud. Kudos!

SYLG Profile: Fish

There’s nothing like saving family for last. “Fish” is the last of my inner circle that Deathlok once referred to as “The Rude 5” - (Me, Vinnie, Fish, The Badger, and Louie the Lock). Another Archbishop Ryan grad, Fish played saxophone in the marching band, and, with the exception of Clarence Clemmons, was the only “cool” person in history to do so.

And “cool” is the perfect description of Fish:

He is the only person north of the Mason-Dixon Line to sport a mullet and get away with it.

He is the only person who could have gotten away with wearing his “Technicolor Dreamcoat” (a white sport jacket with rainbow pinstripes) to a band recital.

He is the only person of “The Rude 5” that I have never seen get angry. It is widely speculated that if everyone Fish ever knew perished in a horrible blimp attack, Fish would shrug his shoulders and say, “Eh, what are ya gonna do?”

Hell, he didn’t even get mad when a certain future blogger dated (and eventually married) his sister, Leanne.

Fish attended Penn State University, and put his music background to good use. He hosted his own show at the University radio station entitled “The Jazz Spectrum.” The fact that Fish knows little to nothing about jazz did not deter him, but he often got in trouble for playing some of his favorite “jazz” artists, like Elvis Costello and Peter Gabriel. Fish told us that he “was in the biz” now, and he had an excuse for the long hair.

“The Biz” came calling after college, and Fish answered on the first ring, landing a job at Discmakers. The best part of his new job was trying to explain what he actually did there, since (at the time of his hiring) Discmakers did not make discs. Conventional wisdom around the circle was that “Discmakers” was actually a CIA front, and that Fish is a highly trained assassin. Today, Discmakers is a fairly successful firm, which has produced music CD’s for Eminem, The Smithereens, and local Irish favorites Blackthorne.

After landing a job, Fish landed the Mother of All Hotties, Sharon. Sharon, a farm girl from the Pittsburgh suburbs, was Fish’s college sweetheart. We all knew he really loved her, because he kept us as far away from her as humanly possible. Tall, blonde, and absolutely fabulous, Sharon is always the unanimous winner in our weekly “Who Has the Hottest Wife” debates. Fish and Sharon have been blessed with a lovely (extremely tall) daughter, and active twin boys. Not bad for a former band geek.