Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Call The Stewardess. I Need A Bag!
Look, I am all for locking up bad cops. Anyone who reads SYLG knows this. Here is my problem with policies such as the one Petersen is advocating: who is going to deem that the force was "unnecessary?" My guess would be a "citizen panel," which is usually comprised of ultra-liberal cop haters; like the one we had in Philadelphia.
Lemme bore you with a quick story. The incident happened a few years ago, so if I am a little rusty on the details, I apologize.
Officer Chris DiPasquale worked in the 25th District; arguably the busiest and most dangerous district in the city. One night, he received a radio call to investigate an auto on a darkened street with a male passed out behind the wheel. The location was in the middle of a high drug area, and Chris went to the location with backup. When he arrived on the scene, the driver, Donta Dawson, was behind the wheel. In the course of the investigation, Dawson refused to respond to any of DiPasquale's commands.
More officers arrived on the scene, and after attempting to get Dawson to respond to police commands again, DiPasquale moved to the driver's side door. His backup was on the other side of the vehicle, and immediately stated that Dawson had a gun. DiPasquale ordered Dawson to show him his hands, but Dawson still refused.
Suddenly, Dawson quickly raised a hand.
DiPasquale quickly fired, killing Dawson.
After a search of the scene, no gun was found. DiPasquale is white. Dawson was black. Naturally, the media ran with the story of a racist cop killing a model citizen - who had a prior arrest record and narcotics in his system at the time of the incident. District Attorney Lynne Abraham - in my opinion, a scumbag - brought DiPasquale up on manslaughter charges. These charges were dismissed at a preliminary hearing. Not satisfied, Abraham brought the charges again, and again they were dismissed. The city's "Police Advisory Commission" demanded swift justice, and the second-guessing had become the biggest sport in town.
The ultimate bottom line is that, yes, Dawson was shot and killed. Yes, there was no gun. But, DiPasquale had every reason to believe Dawson was armed, since his backup claimed he saw a gun. In my opinion, DiPasquale did what any other officer would have done when Dawson raised his hand. There was no malice involved; despite what you will hear from the other side.
DiPasquale, though cleared criminally, has not gotten his job back. He now ekes out a living as best he can. Then-Police Commissioner John Timoney - another scumbag - is now the Chief of Police in Miami (and we all know what a terrific job he is doing here - sarcasm alert!) Dawson is dead, and that is a shame, but had he followed police commands, he would still be alive.
Policies like the one Petersen suggests only makes officers hesitate when quick decisions are necessary. If cops worry about what will happen to them if they use deadly force, they may not use it when they need to do so. And you'll see more police funerals on television.
Okay, I'm Sold!
Maybe it's the leather belly shirt. Maybe it's the gun in each hand. I don't know. I'm not a doctor. I do know that if the totality of Ultraviolet consists of this photo for two hours, it will still be worth my ten dollars.
Four. What Is It Good For?
Check out Cowboy Blob's winning photoshop entries here. They're hilarious!
Monday, February 27, 2006
Weekend Roundup
Despite Jimmie Johnson's best late lap efforts, Matt Kenseth won yesterday's Auto Club 500 in Cal-E-For-Nee-Yah. It would have been nice to see Johnson take the checkered - and better for my pool - but I've always liked Kenseth. He's a hard worker and a class act; unlike some drivers I can mention.
And speaking of a-holes, how about that Tony Stewart? Stewart blew and engine late in the race, and finished dead last. HA!
"Harry" Kari
In case I haven't mentioned it before, Major League Baseball sucks. Don't get me wrong, I still like to watch the minor league Camden Riversharks, but I can't handle the pro game anymore. Maybe it has to do with the fact that the Philadelphia Sillies are my home team.
I despise the Sillies, and all of the Kool-Aid drinkers that blindly swear their allegiance to this god-awful team. Anyway, if the Sillies didn't lose me with their dreadful play and bad personnel decisions, they lost me this weekend. The Sillies announced that broadcaster extraordinaire Harry Kalas will be paired with corporate suck-up Chris Wheeler for a total of six innings now. Kalas and Wheeler hate each other, and it appears that the Sillies are making life miserable for Kalas, who is in the final year of his contract.
This makes perfect sense: screw a local icon by putting him with the most hated broadcaster in the city's history. Hell, even writers for the city's most liberal rags despise Wheeler. Of course, the Sillies' management doesn't care a whit for the fans or their wishes.
And they wonder why they don't have a following in this town.
Riding the Wave of Victory
Well, with the playoffs only a week away, The X-Men are building some momentum. We beat Battalion last night by a score of 6-2, and are looking pretty sharp. (This may have to do with the fact that I couldn't make the game because of work, but . . . ) Our last regular season game is on Wednesday night, with the opening game of the playoffs start on Monday.
Bonus Olympic Babe Coverage!
Hopefully, Deathlok will now forgive me for the Julia Mancuso fiasco.
Update: I have noticed that I have been getting visits from many of my Finnish friends. Kiitos. Tervetuloa!
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Freakin' Swede!!!
Your Olympic Babe O' The Day
An Open Letter To The Pinheads At NBC
I think it is safe to say that I have had to put up with a lot from your half-assed network. The lousy NASCAR coverage, Jay Leno’s constant celebrity brown-nosing, and don’t even get me started on “Joey.” None of this, however, can hold a candle to the hatchet job you have performed on the Winter Olympics.
Let’s begin with the anchors and commentators. What does Jim Lampley do when the Olympics aren’t being held? Anything? Do you defrost him out of cold storage once every four years? And while we’re on that subject, can you please put Bob Costas back into cold storage until the year 2923? Cripes, he is brutal!
Who the hell decides what events the country can see on a daily basis? I want this person found and killed. You are wasting precious prime time hours on Figure Skating, while the exciting events like Bobsled, Ski Jumping, and Skeleton take a back seat. It’s ridiculous. I realize that you cannot mold the Olympics to fit everyone’s tastes, but after the country overdoses on Ice Dancing and Figure Skating, it would be nice to give us a change-up once in a while.
Oh, and before me and my gun-toting buddies come to Rockefeller Center; please give me an explanation on why you are carrying the gold medal Ice Hockey game between Finland and Sweden live today? I mean, as great as it is going to be, who the hell is going to wake up at 8am (EST) to watch this great matchup??? We have lives outside your network you know. Now tomorrow I’ll have to avoid the media – which has become rather easy lately – so I don’t find out the final score before I watch it on TiVo.
I wonder if you’d show the final Figure Skating performances so early.
Get Bent,
Wyatt Earp
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Tyson Goes To College
Of course, one must wonder how Tyson will pay for his college education, since it is widely known that the champ has battled heavy debt. Perhaps his royalties from The Simpsons' Drederick Tatum character have been rolling in. Either way, it does the heart good to see a bad kid gone good. Kudos, Mike!
Oh, what's that? It was ricin that was found in the dorm; not Tyson. Hmm. I guess that lessens the confusion I had about how Iron Mike managed to hide himself into a roll of quarters.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Things I Hate
Videogames That Are Too Difficult To Complete
I'm sure Tyler is going to say that I am just getting old, but nothing infuriates me more than being unable to finish a game I enjoy because I'm stuck on some ridiculously difficult board. For example, I an currently playing (and was loving) Spider-man 2 for Playstation 2. While playing Spider-man 2, I reached the board where Mysterio - greatest villain ever, by the way - has taken over the Statue of Liberty.
That was two months ago. I tried to get past the board daily for two weeks, until I finally gave up. And this particular board is near the beginning of the game. Now, the game just sits and collects dust. I am in the same predicament with Driver 3. Look, I don't want easy games, but something challenging, but not impossible would be nice!
Lousy Movies
It takes a concerted effort to make a truly lousy movie in my eyes. Hell, I'm the guy who loves Days of Thunder, Reign of Fire, and XXX; so I go against the curve quite often. Still, sometimes I pay good money to see a big-time loser . . . and it pisses me off. Take High Fidelity, for example. John Cusack and Jack Black almost guaranteed teh funny. Unfortunately for me, this film sucked arse. And I love Cusack. I have seen Grosse Pointe Blank 100 times. The creators of High Fidelity dropped the ball, and I will hunt them down like a dog until I get my $10 refunded!
Jameson Whiskey
Someone check and see if Peakah just passed out. This may be a passing hatred, but after someone - we won't mention names - drank five shots of Jameson Whiskey the other night, I, I mean, "someone" can't stand even the smell of this stuff anymore. Deathlok take note: there will be NO Jameson for me at the Richard Butler Concert. That is all.
Underworld. Overwhelming.
I have to hand it to SYLG readers; when they're right, they're right. After asking your opinion for the more watchable movie, Underworld was the overwhelming winner. I took your advice, and sat down last night for two hours of (hopefully) entertaining cinema.
Underworld didn't disappoint. The 2003 film about a modern-day war between vampires (like Kate Beckinsale, pictured) and werewolves was action-packed from the opening subway shootout to the final bloody battle. Wyatt likey!
Of course, being a huge fan of the Blade trilogy, Underworld was already an attractive option. Kate Beckinsale in a leather catsuit? Yeah, that clinched it. Bonus points for a supporting cast of both Robbie Gee ("Kahn," who played "Vincent" in Snatch) and Wentworth Miller ("Dr. Adam Lockwood," who plays "Michael Scofield" in Prison Break).
Thursday, February 23, 2006
The Carnival of Bauer
Another One Who "Gets It"
Or, you can stop by to check out the fabulous picture he has up of Number Six and Boomer.
In & Out
(Hold on, while I do the Cabbage Patch dance.)
Okay, I'm back. Before the giddiness takes over, I have to admit that while the team played very well, I was mediocre at best. Zero points, a few mistakes - including flubbing a pass that was intercepted by the other team for a breakaway - and sluggish skating made for a long night for this gunfighter. Oh well, the team comes first, so today, I'm celebrating.
Playoffs here we come!
Unfortunately, it wasn't all hits and giggles for Team Slovakia. After going undefeated in the preliminary rounds of Olympic hockey, the Slovaks were ousted in the first game of the medal round by the damned Czech Republic; losing by a score of 3-1. Crud.
If there is any consolation for me and my family, it's that the Slovaks played so well throughout the tournament. A medal would have been terrific, but I'm happy with their effort.
Your Olympic Babe O' The Day
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Your Weekly Fat Stat Update
In anticipation of my weekly weigh-in, the missus bought a brand new scale. The digital one we had was awful, because it was nearly impossible to calibrate. This one is better – at least mechanically – but I still don’t like the results.
So, I weighed myself today. Weight Watchers says to check your weight at the same time of the day, usually once a week, so there aren’t fluctuations from water weight. I jumped on the scale and braced myself for disappointment.
Oddly enough, it wasn’t too bad. I lost six pounds, dropping to 226 from 232. It’s not anything to brag about, but it’s a start.
It’s difficult to get back on track, but I’m doing my best to make points every day. The fact that we’re scheduled for three hockey games in four days helps as well, since it’s been too damned cold to ride the bike. Water is pretty much the beverage du jour, and I’m starting to cut out the crappy food. I’m still a disgusting fat body, but hopefully not for long.
Here’s the updated Fat Stat: H: 5’9”, W: 226, Waist: 38”.
Your Olympic Babe O' The Day
Stupid Questions
Does anyone miss Howard Stern? Since jumping to satellite radio, he has fallen off the face of the earth.
Which DVD should I watch – for the first time - on my days off; Hellboy, King Arthur, or Underworld?
Will I choke from the pressure of tonight’s “must win” hockey game?
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Filthy Half-Truths About The CUG
"Fight's Commenced! Get to fightin' or get away!" - Wyatt Earp, Tombstone
Jimmy B, The CUG, decided that he would blow the tide of Filthy Lies to my insignificant little blog. Well, let not anyone say that I don’t also blow. Jimmy is obviously distraught that I continually beat him like a rented mule in contests across the blogosphere. That is understandable, since I am truly “The Lord Of Teh Funny.”
Of course, I am also The Lord Of The Vengeful Retribution. And Jimmy is my prey. I now give you “Filthy Half-Truths About The CUG.”
1. Although he calls himself The Conservative UAW Guy, Jimmy is actually an ultra-liberal, pimply-faced sixteen-year old girl, who works as a cashier in a Columbus Wal-Mart.
2. Jimmy has naked photos of Steven Seagal . . . during his fat years.
3. Although he continually posts the picture on the blog, Jimmy’s family actually ate that dog months ago. His justification: the auto industry isn’t what it used to be.
4. And speaking of the auto industry, Jimmy was the one responsible for those damned “Zoom, Zoom” commercials. And that boy with the big ears? That’s Jimmy’s illegitimate child.
5. Jimmy enjoys a good comedy just as much as the next person. Schindler’s List? Jimmy laughed his ass off.
6. Considering his blind faith in the Republican Party, Jimmy has been elected the new spokesman for Kool-Aid. Ohhh Yeaaahhh!
7. Jimmy was the inspiration for Private Pyle of Stanley Kubrick’s Full Metal Jacket. It’s true; Jimmy can’t even do one push-up.
8. He’ll deny it, but Jimmy once called in a bomb threat to the Special Olympics.
9. Jimmy didn’t win any of the Best So Far Blog Awards, primarily because the butterfly ballots confused his puny Ohio brain. In actuality, Jimmy threw all of his votes to Pat Buchanan.
10. Despite his daily clumsy passes at Uber (and Dr. Phat Tony), Jimmy is happily married . . . to a Desert Eagle he affectionately calls, “Irene.”
Your Olympic Babe O' The Day
(And to Linda and SK: I tried with Dale, Jr., but I do not respond to threats.)
X (Men) Games
Luckily, we had a chance to redeem ourselves last night. This time the results were much better. We won 2-0. Oh, should I mention that the other team only had one player show up? No, that would ruin the euphoria.
On Wednesday night, we play Chilly McPhilly’s – another cellar dweller. This game is crucial to our ever-dwindling playoff hopes.
Monday, February 20, 2006
The Great American Race
Which brings me to a little rant.
Tony Stewart is a Grade A A-Hole.
I never liked this s.o.b. to begin with, but yesterday was a banner day for NASCAR's version of Simon Cowell. After whining all week about the dangers of "bump drafting," Stewart culminated his stupidity with an idiotic prediction: that if his counterparts keep driving aggressively, somebody is gonna get killed on the track.
Nice. Especially near the five-year anniversary of Dale Earnhardt's death at the very same track.
Of course, Stewart's hypocrisy knows no bounds. This jackass preached from his ivory tower about the dangers of aggressive driving, then went out and single-handedly caused two wrecks, and bumped more people out of the way than Rosie O'Donnell in line for free fudge. A-Hole. The only satisfaction I got all day was when Johnson took the checkered, leaving Stewart in the dust.
Oh, by the way, one of my other drivers is Dale Earnhardt, Jr, (pictured) who (I am told by the ladies) is hot. Hopefully, this picture will hold off Linda and Uber for a while.
Your Olympic Babe O' The Day
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Slovak Far, Slovak Good
Don’t get me wrong: I am a proud American, but considering the current play of my country’s hockey team (read: inept), it was nice to see the country of my ancestors whipping Yankee butt. After yesterday’s hard-fought 2-1 win over the United States and an easier win against Kazakhstan, Slovakia is undefeated (4-0), and sitting high atop the standings in Group B – a group that includes hockey powerhouses Russia and Sweden. Joy-gasm!
I wore my Marian Gaborik Slovakia jersey to my in-laws’ for dinner last night, and was soundly criticized for not supporting the home team. The way I figure it, the most high profile Americans in Turin so far have been Bode *hic* Miller, Shani “Me, me, me” Davis, and Lindsey “I’ll showboat myself out of a gold medal” Jacobellis.
Yeah, I’ll keep rooting for Slovakia, thank you very much.
(Oh, and speaking of hockey, me and the X-Men have the first of three games in four days tonight. The homestretch of the season is afoot.)
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Five Years
Thankfully, one of the best sports moments I ever experienced included Dale's son, Dale, Jr. I was at the Pepsi 400 in Daytona - the first race there after Dale's death - and witnessed Dale, Jr. win the race. There wasn't a dry eye in the speedway.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Linkfest!!!
Deathlok found Kim Bauer!!! Looks like she's been vacationing in Turin.
The CUG is a bald-faced liar! But he's damned funny, and I will have my revenge.
Uber is looking for a gun. Obviously for keeping stalkers like me away.
Tyler D's computer crashed. CTU is investigating.
Dr. Phat Tony pisses off nerds. Deathlok is not amused.
Sssteve professes his love. Heh, wuss.
The Man takes on "Goat Play." Ewww!
Enjoy!
People I Hate
Leave it to Bryant Gumbel to say something stupid. I guess he thought he'd get away with it, since about four people in the country watch his god-awful Real Sports program. This week, he took aim at Whitey, and decided to stick it to the man (as opposed to The Man).
"Finally, tonight, the Winter Games. Count me among those who don’t care about them and won’t watch them ... Because they’re so trying ... Like, try not to be incredulous when someone attempts to link these games to those of the ancient Greeks who never heard of skating or skiing. So try not to laugh when someone says these are the world’s greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the Winter Games look like a GOP convention." - Glommed from GOP and the City.
What qualifications does Bryant Gumbel have to speak for the black community? This guy makes Colin Powell look like Flava Flav!
(As for the comparisons to the ancient Greeks, do you think they ever heard of baseball, basketball, badminton, cycling, handball, shooting, soccer, softball, tennis, and volleyball? Ass.)
Shani Davis
The first African-American to qualify on the American Short Track Speedskating Team showed his true colors on Wednesday; and they weren't red, white, and blue. The T.O. of Torino quickly overtook Bode Miller as the biggest a-hole on the U. S. team after foregoing the Team Pursuit event to concentrate on his own personal glory.
"Speed skater Shani Davis won't participate in team pursuit, dealing a severe blow to the United States' hopes of winning a medal in the new Olympic event. Davis said yesterday that he wants to focus on his individual races. He finished seventh in the 5,000 meters yesterday.
'I could care less what other people say about me,' he said. 'I didn't come here to skate the team pursuit.'"
Thank God Bryant Gumbel isn't watching the Winter Olympics. He may have wanted to rethink his position after those comments. There's no "I" in team, Shani; but there is an "M-E."
David "Dick" Gregory
Either Orr's Infant of the Week was truly deserving after his hissy fit during the White House Press Briefing concerning the attempted murder of Dick Cheney's good friend. High atop his Ivory Tower, "Dick" Gregory demanded an explanation why the local yokel newspaper in Texas scooped him. Here's a thought: maybe because NBC and the rest of the media haven't given the current administration a fair shake in over six years! Hey, Dick, the Bush Administration owes you nothing! Dick.
Your Olympic Babe O' The Day
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Waist Not, Want Not
Okay, no more Mr. Fat Guy! I have previously announced my intentions to lose weight here (Atkins was a miserable failure. The diet was working, but it was impossible to stay on it longer than a week without despising meat of all kinds.), and thanks to my extreme lack of self-control, I am still a fatty, fat, fat, fat. Now, I am forced to take my blight to the people. Starting today, I will post my current (over)weight in the sidebar, and you can track my progress – or regress – as I jump on the S.S. Weight Watchers. My goal is to get below 200 pounds. My ideal would be hovering around 180, since I was a plump 190 in the police academy. It’s a lofty goal, but the last time I was on Weight Watchers I lost 30 pounds.
I’ll post weekly updates on how the diet is going, and every week, I’ll update the Fat Stat in the sidebar. But, I’ll need your help. Jump on me if I miss a progress report or a Fat Stat update, and I welcome a steady diet of humiliation and personal insults to motivate me to slim-itude.
Here’s my current Fat Stat: 5’9”, 232 pounds, Waist size: 38.
Your Olympic Babe O' The Day
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
A Duct Tape Kind Of Day
Throughout the department, the detective division deskman is widely accepted as the most obnoxious person in the building. They are always angry and short with the officers who drop off jobs, and are notorious for “eye rolls” at cops, victims, and offenders. Cops never really understand why this is so, because when a detective is assigned to be the deskman, he or she does not have to handle any jobs. Thus, most cops think that being the deskman is easy.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
In my division, the deskman takes and reads every report, and decides if a detective will handle it. Reading some officers’ reports is an exercise in futility, due to atrocious handwriting and grammar. If the report will be handled – and for the record, I have never refused a job – the report has to be entered into not one, but two computer systems; a redundant task at best. Once the report is entered – twice – the report is photocopied and given to the assigned detective.
Simple, right? Not always.
Yesterday, our division handled twenty-four jobs in a six-hour period . . . in the winter . . . after a blizzard. It takes time to enter and assign jobs, and when the division is averaging one job every fifteen minutes – not to mention the fact that the desk man has to answer the phones (all five lines), and talk with the walk-in complainants – it is easy to get backed up. And when I get backed up, I reach for the Metamucil. Then, I get unnerved. I quickly transformed from the nice, easy-going detective that gets along with everyone – yes, it’s true – into the guy who writes People I Hate every Friday. It was ugly.
So, I apologize for the half-hearted (and witted) posts yesterday. I just wasn’t in the mood.
Your Olympic Babe O' The Day
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Three: It's A Magic Number
Monday, February 13, 2006
Live Blogging!
Aw, Shoot!
John Kerry immediately insisted the friend by put in for a Purple Heart and The Congressional Medal of Honor.
In fairness to Cheney, the V.P. thought that his intended target was Dan Quayle, and he just wanted to even the score for that “potatoe” fiasco.
Ice To See You
FedEx: When You Absolutely Have To Win . . .
Sunday, February 12, 2006
People I Hate (Supplemental)
Municipal Snow Plow Drivers
My neighbors and I barely know what a snow plow looks like, since there are no local politicians living on my block, but I have seen a few on the highways. Every time one of these metal beasts drives by, I want to punch the drivers in the back of the head. Why? Because Philly snow plows are always categorized in one of two ways: driving slower than Miss Daisy, or stopped outside the local convenience stores. Either way, those of us who have to make it in to work – no matter what the weather – don’t need two-ton trucks impeding our progress. Lead or get out of the way, jerkasses!
Private Snow Plow Drivers
These morons need to be shot on sight. They scamper about, trying to make a buck, when the rest of the public is trying not to swerve off the road. I see these guys all the time, laughing at us as they drive by WITH THEIR PLOWS RAISED! Look, I know you are the perfect capitalists, but when you get to a street that is snowed in, does it really cost you anything to drop the plow and help some people out? I didn’t think so. Hell, if you did that once in a while, you might not make PIH.
The Walkers
It’s bad enough when you have to drive into work in a blizzard, but when you have to avoid people walking in the middle of the street as well; it makes for a very hateful day. I was driving down a fairly large street, and all of the sudden I see a couple walking in the tire tracks! It was 6am. Who needs to be walking the streets at 6am??? Even the whores took the night off. I guess these two rocket scientists didn’t want their pants to get snow-covered.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
B4B Fight Club: Jack Bauer Vs. Vic Mackey
Age: Late thirties
Nationality: American
Occupation: CTU Agent, Scourge of terrorists everywhere
Lifetime Death Count: A lot
Strengths: Killing, torture, origami
Weaknesses: Whiny women, heroin, Barry Manilow
Name: Vic Mackey
Age: Late thirties
Nationality: American
Occupation: Narcotics detective, scourge of IAD
Lifetime Death Count: A lot
Strengths: Killing, torture, aerodynamic skull
Weaknesses: Whiny team members, Salsa music
Yeah, I know what you're thinking; no contest, right? Think again. In my humble opinion, this would be the closest B4B Fight Club match in history. Gentlemen, start your ass-kicking!
(Hat Tip to Deathlok for the idea.)
(Cross-posted at Blogs4Bauer.)
Stupid Olympics Questions
Why does every Opening Ceremony have to be coordinated by an LSD addict? I mean, what the hell was that last night??
Could the Canadian Womens' Ice Hockey Team be any more ignorant? Running it up on Italy 16-0 won't win you toads any respect around here.
Is anyone (besides Linda) going to shed a tear when Michelle "I shouldn't be here in the first place" Kwan drops out of the figure skating competition? "Oh, the plane ride and the cold weather are irritating my groin!" Hey Michelle, your crybaby antics are irritating MY groin!
A Hat Tip to my brother Chris, a rabid hockey fan, who mentioned this today: Why are the NBC networks showing every game of women's ice hockey - a sport we can see anytime - when they only give the really cool events like luge, biathlon, and skeleton mere mentions?
Friday, February 10, 2006
A Little Housekeeping
Update: Obviously it was not satisfactory. Most of the feedback I received was negative, so I'm changing the links back to their old, boring selves.
People I Hate
“Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You!” – Sheryl Crow. I knew it! When this “power couple” first shacked up, I was one of the first pundits to say what everyone else was thinking: that the second Lance Armstrong retired, the Old Crow would fly the coop. True enough, this week the media reeled at Crow’s Feat: dropping the best cyclist the world has ever seen. Oh sure, she was madly in love – with the spotlight – while cheering on “her man” at the Tour de France, but it only took her six months to realize that life with a retired athlete – many years her junior, by the way – lacked the attention she so desperately craved.
I ought to thank Sheryl for confirming my suspicions: that she’s a media whore.
Philadelphia Flyers Goaltender Robert Esche
What can I say about Robert “Mesh” that hasn’t been said about any other sieve? To say this guy couldn’t save coupons would be giving him too much credit. Hell, this guy makes Bob Froese look talented! “Mesh” is the albatross that is sinking the Flyers’ playoff chances, and for some inane reason, Team USA thought this waste of a jersey would be their go-to guy in Torino. So, basically, the Americans’ best chances for Olympic gold are a sieve, a drunken skier, and a prima donna who didn’t deserve her place on the figure skating squad. Swell.
Zealots Who Can’t Take A Joke
IT WAS A CARTOON, YOU FRAKKING LUNATICS!!! Somebody remind me again why Islam calls itself “The Religion of Peace?” Being a Roman Catholic, I have had to endure all sorts of criticism from liberal Democrats, starving artists who use urine as a paintbrush, and Muslims who say “Convert or die.” And yet, I have yet to burn down an embassy, kill innocent civilians, or issue a fatwa against the Syrians. Why? Because I’m not insane. I love how Muslims are rioting and killing in an effort to get an apology from the Danish – Mmm . . . Danish! – Government, while at the same time threatening to wipe Israel off the map. Hypocrites! Oh, and I thought the cartoon was hilarious!
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Survey Time
Good News, Everyone!
NOW!!!
What the hell are you waiting for?
Happy Birthday, Erik!
The kid who recklessly jumps from the top steps into Daddy’s waiting arms, who begs to be thrown high in the air for kicks and giggles, and who always manages to kick Daddy in the groin during both.
(And yes, he was born the day after Mommy's birthday.)
Some People Are Too Stupid To Live
Does anybody have some duct tape???
First of all, most people from California deserve to be bullied. This is the home of the (Communist) 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, O.J. Simpson, and The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim for cripes’ sake. Second of all, if sonny boy willingly gives the bullies money to leave him alone, he’s a dope. Save your money, kid, and learn karate so you can kick these guys’ asses! Finally, if mom calls the police for this, what won’t she call for? “Yes, 9-1-1? My toilet is overflowing. Can you send somebody to fix it?” Jesus!
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Frak Villanova!
About twenty minutes later I call home – I can’t exactly watch an entire college basketball game while working – and ask the missus if she can check the score. After taking an eternity to find ESPN2 on the TV – there should be a “Favorites” icon there – she tells me that the Hawks are losing by 13!!! What the frak happened?!!! I know what happened; the real Hawks showed up, and now I have to suffer the unending torment of my Uncle Ray, a ‘Nova grad. Blast!
#500!
Uber and RT suggested this, so here are some of my favorite (or noteworthy posts):
SYLG's first
My affinity for Philadelphia Phillies "sluggers"
War! What is it good for? Freedom!
The resurrection of PIH
A pretty funny Top Ten list
Wagon Tales
Q&A
And of course . . . Hate Mail
Linda suggested mentioning personal heroes. For me, it begins and ends with Teddy Roosevelt. With all due respect to Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, et al, TR is America's greatest President.
Ty suggested guns and shooting - go figure. I'll post about that more in depth, but I carry my service weapon (a Glock 17), but I also own a .38 S&W snubnose revolver.
Rachel and Dr. Phat Tony asked about when I was on "Cops." Can't say I've ever had the pleasure (either as a cop or a defendant), and the show has only filmed in Philadelphia two or three times - which I think is a disgrace.
Finally, many of you suggested giving props to the readers. I try and do that ad nauseum, and I would like to think that everyone who reads this garbage knows how much I appreciate them, but I wanted to highlight a few that went above and beyond the call.
The Man from GOP and the City - It's always an honor when someone who averages a ton of hits a day links your insignificant little blog. The Man linked my former endeavor, and linked SYLG after I came back from my blogging breakdown. On top of that, he and his friends invited me to contribute to the highly successful Blogs4 Bauer, so I think I owe him my first-born son. Thanks, TM!
"The Family" - My blog family has been there from the beginning, and has always supported me, even when that meant taking me down a peg, but I love them anyway. Doc, CUG, Insol, Pandy, Peak, Uber, and Tyler are some of the best friends a blogger could have. I'd take a bullet for every one of you.
"The Regulars" - Linda, Sssteve (although now you're a blog brother), Prof, CP, Bob, RT, SK, Rachel, Air Force Wife, The Anti-Hippie, and everyone else who wastes their day reading my ramblings, I thank you all.
Emporer Palpatine - You are my dark lord and master. What is thy bidding?
Well, that's pretty much it. it wasn't all that entertaining, but it's done. Here's to the next 500.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
"DOPes"
I didn’t mind the change of pace – although I specifically got promoted to get out of patrol – but a few questions about this program jumped into my mind. To wit:
- How effective can two detectives be patrolling an area they never worked before? My partner was driving, while I was relegated to Dora the Explorer status, constantly checking “The Map.”
- Who will think that two white guys driving a Ford Taurus through the ‘hood are not cops? I keep thinking about the scene in “Running Scared” where two utes spray-paint “Unmarked Police Car” across Billy Crystal’s ride.
- Did anyone spit in my food?
There were a few high points that evening. For instance, we got to listen to most of the Super Bowl – a luxury we wouldn’t have if we were in the division. I’m pretty sure the pizza parlor chef didn’t spit in our slices. And we did manage to find our way to a decent job – an aggravated assault where the officers recovered two shotguns. Another five minutes, and we would have had a homicide on our hands.
So, after all of my bitching, I guess the program worked after all.
(FYI – The next post will be #500 for SYLG, and I’m seeking suggestions for a topic. Let me know in the comments section, and I’ll choose the best idea for Wednesday’s momentous occasion.)
Monday, February 06, 2006
Jack Bauer's New Toy
"I ain't got time to bleed." - Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Predator
Ya just know that CUG is rushing out to buy one of these, post haste!
"The Dillon M134D Gatling Gun is the finest small caliber, defense suppression weapon available. It is a six barreled, electrically driven machine gun chambered in 7.62mm NATO and fires at a fixed rate of 3000 shots per minute. Gatling Guns typically feed from a 3,000 or 4,400 round magazine. They are capable of long periods of continuous fire without threat or damage to the weapon making them an excellent choice for defensive suppression. "
(Hat Tip: Sean Dillon)
UFC: Unbelievably Frakkin' Cool!
On Saturday night, my brother Chris invited me to his abode to watch the Ultimate Fighting Championships. I hadn't seen UFC in years, but since I had the night off, I figured what the hell? UFC 57's main event was a Lightweight Title match between defending champ Chuck Liddell and Randy Couture. It was the third, and possibly final, bout between the two.
When the PPV event started, they bored us to death with thirty minutes of replays from the first two Liddell-Couture bouts. After you had seen the clips once, there was no need to see them again. Anyway, the undercard started, and I immediately noticed a few things:
- My sister-in-law Kim is almost as big a fan of UFC as my brother. Scary.
- Color commentator Joe Rogan - the toad from Fear Factor - adds nothing to a broadcast.
- Some of the UFC participants were in worse shape than me. Doubly scary.
The undercard matches were hit and miss. Some of them were bloodfests Dracula himself would be proud of, but some of them were also diatribes in boredom. That all changed when the title bout began.
Liddell-Couture 3 started innocently enough, with both men sparring and dancing in the center of the octogon. Halfway through Round 1, though, it turned into Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Robots. Liddell opened up Couture quickly, then dropped him like a sack of Ring Dings. Mmm . . . Ring Dings! As Couture tried to punch Liddell, he slipped, and Liddell punched him halfway to la-la land. It was kickass! Liddell pounced on the fallen Couture, and beat him into submission. I found myself screaming at the TV with the rest of the people in the room.
After the bitter loss, Couture announced his retirement. (As well he should have after that arse kickin'.) However, on the way out of the arena, he was mobbed by fans seeking autographs and pictures. Here's Couture, bleeding like a stuck pig, and he' stopping to sign stuff for the jackasses in attendance. GET SOME MEDICAL ATTENTION, YOU IDIOT!!!
All in all, it was one of the better Pay-Per-View events out there.
SUPER!!!
Sunday, February 05, 2006
THANK YOU!!!
Support Your Local Gunfighter - 112 votes.
Trying To Catch Up - 94 votes.
The Conservative UAW Guy - 61 votes.
Thank you all so very much for the continued support. Without you guys, I'd just be some loser typing on a computer in my basement. (Actually, I am a loser typing on a computer in my basement!) The checks will go out in Monday's mail.
Friday, February 03, 2006
The Best So Far Blog Awards, January, 2006
Peakah did it to me again. After nominating SYLG for a 2005 blog award, he has nominated my little circle of hell for January's Best Personal Blog at the Best So Far Blog Awards, January 2006. I can assure the nomination is completely undeserved, but I thank him all the same. Many of my blog friends (whose links are at the sidebar) have also been nominated.
Beginning February 1st, you can vote for your favorite blogs at the site. The voting begins ends on Friday, February 3rd at midnight. The winners will be announced on Super Bowl Sunday. Thank you all in advance!
Q&A Answer Key
Tyler D asks, "You describe yourself as a Libertarian. Where would you put yourself on the ideological spectrum? Are you more of a 'Burt Gummer' (although Mike Gross is a liberal) or a Neal Boortz?"
Ty, what the hell are you talking about? Kidding. Actually, I would say I am more of a V.I. Lenin Libertarian. He despised big government, so he overthrew it. Mmm . . . bloody coup!
CUG asks, "Would you have roughed up Cindy Sheehan if you had been the arresting officer? (Keeping in mind that there will be bonuses for roughing up hippies in my administration.)"
CUG, absolutely not! Those kinds of antics are expressly forbidden! (Waves Jimmy close) Actually, I would put her in the cell, and get the biggest cop in the station to put on a pink bunny suit. The six foot bunny would enter the cell, and beat the liberal off her. Who's gonna believe that she was assaulted by a gigantic pink rabbit???
Little Miss Chatterbox doesn't ask a question, but I'm sure she would ask, "Wyatt, do you still need people to vote for your blog at the Best So Far Awards?"
LMC, darn tootin'! Vote for me, and I'll never ask you guys for anything else again!
Ssssteve asks, "Now tell me the truth, did Philly really invent the Glorious Cheesesteak, or did you steal it from the Indians like every other white man idea?"
Ssssteve, actually John F. Kennedy invented the cheesesteak, but Joe Biden claimed that he did once in a speech. Heh. From what I hear, cheesesteaks suck arse outside the Philly metro area, so you may have tried one, but it probably isn't the same as we get in town.
Air Force Wife asks, "I still want to know what that smell is. And if it's you - what HAVE you been eating? On a more serious note - I saw some police "take down" a dude in St. Louis on Monday. I think he deserved it, but the traffic chopper caught the guys stomping him good, resting, stomping some more, resting, and donkey punching him. Why do you think Jesse Jackson isn't marching as we speak?"
AFW, it's probably because he didn't know about it . . . until now. Thanks!!! Actually, Jackson is ALWAYS marching. It's the only way he knows how to move. The police involved were probably just trying to administer CPR to the poor lad. Studies have shown it is more reliable if you use your feet. (Oh, and that smell was me. I had some Gouda cheese stashed at the bottom of the blog. My bad.)
Dr. Phat Tony asks, "Why are people continuing to vote for JimmyB, when it could mean the end of the world?"
Doc, I don't know. Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? People don't always make smart choices. That would explain the whole Village People thing. For the record, I voted for every one in our inner circle who was nominated at least once. Thus, you all MUST do the same for me. I'm fighting for my life here, gang!!!
The Anti-Hippie asks, "Do cops really love donuts, or you more of a bagel-and-cream cheese kinda guy?"
AH, the fact of the matter is that cops are always inside Dunkin Donuts because their coffee is hands down the best on earth. So get bent. I am more of a Ring Dings kinda guy. Heh.
RT asks, "With the murder rate at 31 so far in 2006, I was wondering what would happen if the number got too high for Homicide to handle . . . or would it? Who do you think will gold in hockey at the Olympics?"
RT, plainly speaking, it wouldn't. The commish would detail detectives there if it did, but our Homicide Unit is the best around. However, to answer your question, if the number got too big, we'd just dump the bodies in in Jersey and let them handle it. As for the Olympics, it's not contest . . . Trinidad-Tobago. (Ah, I'm just yankin' ya. My money is on Sweden.)
Peakah asks, "Who would you most like to see traded to the Buffalo Bills, McNabb or Owens (cuz Lord knows that either of those crybabies would make my pathetic team better)."
Peak, I have a better suggestion. We'll give you the Phillies, Eagles, and Sixers, in exchange for some Buffalo Wings. Deal?
People I Hate
Martin Lawrence
I’m not sure why I hate Lawrence more; because his is a renowned racist, or because he has less talent than Ryan Seacrest. This fraud is currently “starring” in Big Mama’s House 2. Didn’t Big Mama’s House 1 suck??? What mental defective thought a sequel to this filmmaking abortion would be a good idea? In my Utopian society, and actor who has two consecutive bombs will be publicly flogged. Martin would probably be a repeat offender. Lawrence . . . OUT!
Donovan McNabb
Okay, I’m finally through with this guy. How many times can a man play the victim until it gets nauseating? McNabb was at the Super Bowl festivities – as a spectator instead of a player – and told the media that the attacks thrown his way by Terrell Owens amounted to “black on black crime.” Drama Queen Alert! Hey, Donovan, the attempted murder we had last week where a man cut off three of his ex-girlfriend’s fingers and stabbed her repeatedly in the torso is “black on black crime.” Your catfight with T.O. is nothing more than an episode of “Who’s the Biggest Crybaby.” Grow up, you puss!
Cindy Sheehan
Believe it or not, this moonbat extraordinaire has never made PIH, primarily because I never gave her a moment’s thought. I still don’t – and her fifteen minutes of fame is rapidly evaporating – but this broad had a hell of a week. First, she flies to Venezuela – I wonder who paid for that ticket? – to stand beside that country’s Moonbat-in-Chief, Hugo Chavez. You remember; the flaming communist who labeled President Bush a terrorist, while welcoming coca farmers with open arms. Then, she uses her invitation to the State of the Union Address as a springboard to a dank jail cell with a community toilet! Not one to be squelched by adversity, Sheehan announced she wants to run for Congress. I had no idea there was an “I’m Profiting off the Death of My Son” ticket.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Q&A Potpourri
And remember, there are no stupid questions; just stupid people.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Let The Voting Begin!!!
Give Her The O.C. Spray!!!
And speaking of losers, how about this little info nugget:
[Cindy Sheehan was] ejected before the speech Tuesday night for wearing a T-shirt with an antiwar slogan. Sheehan wrote in her blog Wednesday that she intends to file a First Amendment lawsuit.
"I don't want to live in a country that prohibits any person, whether he/she has paid the ultimate price for that country, from wearing, saying, writing, or telephoning any negative statements about the government," Sheehan wrote.
Capitol Police took Sheehan, invited as a guest of Rep. Lynn Woolsey, D-Calif., away in handcuffs and charged her with unlawful conduct, a misdemeanor. She later was released on her own recognizance.
Capitol Police Sgt. Kimberly Schneider said police warned her that such displays were not allowed in the House chamber, but Sheehan did not respond.
Blah, blah, blah. Hey Cindy, when the police tell you that protest displays are not allowed, then THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED!!! She then rambles on about how the Capitol Police "hauled me out of my seat and roughly (with my hands behind my back) shoved me up the stairs." Yeah, that's what we do to criminals. Be thankful that's all you had to endure.
You hear that, Sheehan? That's your fifteen minutes of fame running out. Tick, tick, tick . . .