Auto Focus Redux

As I mentioned on Wednesday, Bill and I were invited to a focus group discussion for the Camden Riversharks baseball team. Our names were picked at random from a pool of season ticket holders, and we were to be at Campbell's Field Wednesday night. When we arrived we were escorted to one of the executive suites atop the stadium by an intern (read: hottie). The moderator of the discussion (a blow-dried pretty boy who is a professor at the University of Delaware) welcomed us, and informed everyone that the event would be videotaped for Riversharks management. Bill, being a wiseass, told me that the camera adds ten pounds, but in my case, there must be three or four of them in the room. Nice guy. After everyone is settled, the moderator asks us a few questions dealing with the team in general, and more specifically, what we would like to see from them in the future. Bill brought up the declining quality of the food (as I knew he would), and that was a hot-button issue with the room. I mentioned that the scoreboard is not utilized enough, and it wouldn't kill them to show the out-of-town scores. All in all, it was pretty productive. If nothing else, the Sharks management definitely cares about its fans - or we wouldn't be there to begin with. When the meeting concluded, the moderator gave us our "gifts" for our attendance. I'm thinking tote bags or something equally useless. What we got was incredible: Every person in attendance received a coupon for the use of a luxury box suite for a game next season! The suites usually run about $550, and are air-conditioned with food service. A suite can accommodate 25 people comfortably. We were shocked (and honored) beyond belief! Long story short (I know, too late), I need to find 24 friends to go to a game next season in a luxury box suite. Let the butt-kissing begin!!!

Smartest Sports Blog . . . EVER!

My regular readers (all three of you) know that my favorite football team is the Denver Broncos. I consider myself as one of their biggest East Coast fans, so when I am ignorant of something Broncos-related it really bothers me. (Being ignorant about everything else on Earth isn't a problem.) And for years, I had a question about the Broncos fans. After many a defensive play, the home crowd chants something that I can never make out. It sounded a little like "Hey . . . Are . . . You!," but that didn't make a whit of sense. Of course, the idiot national broadcast team never mentioned it, so I was poo outta luck. Until yesterday. Enter the Sports Junkies. I found them through a link at GOP and the City, and figured they may be able to help with the translation. Sure enough, Red e-mailed me with the answer: "After every incompletion the crowd screams IN! COM! PLETE!" Finally! The shackles of ignorance have been torn away!! Red (and his co-host Steve) are the greatest sports bloggers in the nation. I owe them a thousand shout-outs, but you folks only need one: Visit Sports Junkies today. Now! Drop what you're doing and visit! DO IT!!! I'd consider it a personal favor. Thank you.

Bless You, TNT!

I would be posting something about our Riversharks focus group right about now, but instead, I'm watching Tombstone on TNT for the umpteenth time. Damn, I love this film!

Buy Me Some Peanuts & Cracker JACK!

Now that Battlestar Galactica's season is over, I only have three go-to shows left to watch: The WB's Smallville (whose season begins tomorrow night), and Fox's Prison Break and 24. Unfortunately, the rocket scientists at Fox are pre-empting Prison Break (after next week's ep) until after the baseball playoffs (eh, what?), and the new season of 24 is on hold until after football season (eh, double-what??). This news is about as welcome as Louis Farrakhan at the Holocaust Memorial. But I have a solution for all of you suffering 24 fans: eliminate baseball. And how do we do that, you ask? It's easy. Just hire Jack Bauer. Hey, he's not doing much now anyway, so why not keep the man busy? Here's why he's the best man for the job: He made a run for the border. At the end of last season, Jack pulled an immigrant George Constanza: he did the opposite, and went across the border into Mexico. Thus, Bauer is in place to kidnap (and, yes, torture) the country's best baseball prospects. The flood of talent runs dry, and the national pastime stalls. Now that's a NAFTA I wanna see! He's a dead man. Most of the government thinks Bauer is dead. Dead is good, since no one would suspect him to re-emerge as a high-ranking official in the Budweiser Corporation. Once he gains the the Busch family's trust, dropping a few gallons of antifreeze into the brew is a piece of cake. The resulting panic would dwarf the anthrax scares of 2002, and MLB's bread and butter - beer - is no longer an option at the park. He's a former addict. So finding some primo steroids is easier than infiltrating CTU. Steroids aren't as big an issue in the Major Leagues as they should be, but with the help of some former Soviet scientists, Jack's new concoction - Uber-steroids - reverse the normal effects. No one wants to see the original Barry Bonds (at 190 pounds), and no one wants to see a ball game without home runs. I believe that through these three easy steps, Jack can destroy the game of baseball, and get his arse back on television in September where he belongs!

Auto Focus

The Camden Riversharks regular season finished up on Sunday with a 7-4 win over the Somerset Patriots. It was the last game of the season ticket plan I share with my friend Bill. Camden missed the playoffs this year, but the organization always treats their season ticket faithful – even partial plan guys like me – like gold. So, it wasn't that big of a surprise when Bill received a letter from the front office inviting us to a post-season focus group concerning the team later today. Now, I realize it is corporate suicide to invite a brutally honest guy like me to any forum where it is encouraged to speak your mind, but I'm going anyway. Here are some of the issues I would like addressed: The fans. There are just too many fans at Campbell's Field. Many times some of them are sitting in our row – or worse – next to me. That is unacceptable for a big blog star like me. I demand a comfort zone, post haste! The food. Don't get me wrong, fat guys like all kinds of food, but after our trip to see the Lancaster Barnstormers (and their fabulous Amish cuisine), hot dogs and peanuts just doesn't cut it. And why doesn't Campbell's Field serve soup??? The players. I would like a guarantee that whenever I am in the stands, the Sharks win. During our 14-game plan, the Sharks won less than five times this year. Poppycock! My demands are reasonable, but any attempt to deviate from this plan will be met with stiff penalties. Thank you. Oh, and Go Sharks!

Stuart Smalley Needs A Loan

So, I'm listening to the O'Reilly Factor, and I overhear a story about the continuing financial woes of uber-talented (Sarcasm alert!) Al Franken's Air America radio juggernaut. Allegedly, the powers-that-be are spending money a tad foolishly. For example, they spent millions on a brand new studio for Franken and friends, only to find out that Stuart Smalley won't be using it - he's moving to Minnesota! Ad revenue is way down, and the contracts of the on-air talent are way up. I would explain further, but O'Reilly has Michelle Malkin (pictured) on the program, and suddenly I can't put a sentence together. Gotta go!

Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Instapundit's Glenn Reynolds is infamous for his blog endorsements. Everyone who is anyone has a site-specific quote from Glenn on their blog. The fact that SYLG does not is merely a co-inky-dink. I guess mine is in the mail. In the meantime, I plan to prostitute myself – for a moderate fee – to my fellow bloggers as a sort of Glenn Reynolds Lite: half the talent and no added witty rejoinders. Dr. Phat Tony has already basked in my magnificence – now it's your turn. Give me a shout out if you want a quote. I guarantee you're site meter will increase tenfold. (Editor's note: Not a guarantee.) Unfortunately, the Nazis at the Better Business Bureau are telling me that I have to provide some "samples" of my work. So, in order to keep "the man" off my back, I will grudgingly oblige: .45 Caliber Justice – "Tyler D. is wise beyond his years. Imagine how talented he will be when he grows pubes!" The Conservative UAW Guy – "CUG: the first choice of angry, gun-toting loners everywhere." Insolublog – "Insolublog is a well-deserved kick to the groin of the English language." Peakah – "Please take Peakah's Provocations with a grain of salt. Everyone in Nevada has been exposed to some form of radioactive fallout." What Panda? – "What Panda? proves that even belligerent, sarcastic, tattooed Southern belles with shaved heads who root for the New Jersey Devils . . . um, where was I going with this?" Now, I'm gonna sit back and wait for the offers to roll in!

"Great, Kid. Don't Get Cocky!"

Where was Han Solo when I needed him? After two consecutive first place finishes in GOP and the City's Weekend Caption Contest, I was brought back down to earth this week. I made the top five (more specifically, fourth), but my winning streak has come to an end. Oh well. I'll get 'em next week for sure!

"Kitten" Billboard Update

Anyone remember the "Kitten" Billboard? That was the billboard in Lexington, Kentucky that featured WKQQ 100.1 on-air personality/hottie "Kitten." As an incentive for the God-awful University of Kentucky football team, Kitten promised she would remove one article of clothing for every UK win. That was four weeks ago. To date the Wildcats are 1-3 after getting shellacked by Florida, 49-28, and Kitten has lost only her sweater. How desperate is WKQQ getting? Kitten is offering a two-for-one deal for the next UK win! If the Wildcats ever win another game, she loses two articles of clothing. Judging by their recent performances, Kitten has nothing to worry about.

Paging Fatty McButterpants

Okay, let's try this again. A few months ago, I embarked on a quest to defeat my greatest foe: a Star Jones-esque waistline. Not content to simply be fat, I have gone the extra mile to achieve Homer Simpson status. "All my life I've been an obese man inside a fat man's body." It was getting so bad that I was sweating butter. Something had to be done. So, I jumped on the Atkins bandwagon (which subsequently shattered). The first week was difficult, as I resorted to licking my television during Sonic commercials. (Why, oh why, aren't there any Sonic franchises in Philly?) After surviving Pez withdraw, it became much easier to pass on carbs, and believe it or not, the weight came off. Editor's note: I want to stress that losing weight is difficult for those with will power. It is even more difficult for those with as much will power as Teddy Kennedy during Happy Hour. Simply stated, diet soda sucks, and potato chips have a svengali-like hold on my puny brain. In the meantime, fourteen pounds got outta Dodge, and my muumuu was not as binding. Of course, fourteen pounds from my girth is a drop in the bucket of cheese fries. Mmm . . . cheese fries! What was I saying again? Oh, yeah, Atkins. The flubber came off, but I was feeling sick to my stomach, so I surrendered like a Frenchman. Expectedly, the fourteen pounds returned through no fault of my own. The burgers said if I don't eat them, I'd never see my family again. Like any good family man, I succumbed. So, as of today, I'm back with the late Dr. Atkins. Playing ice hockey will help, and the missus picked up the necessary carb-free items from the market. Feel free to mock and humiliate me into staying on course. I need the help.

Kicking Ice

As I mentioned in the previous post, last night was my fantasy hockey draft. I am in it with ten of my friends, and we play for money. The rules are simple, choose six forwards, four defensemen, and two goaltenders, and calculate their points through the season (goals, assists, and goalie wins/shutouts). The top six players count for your total (three forwards, two defensemen, and one goalie). The draft order is picked from a hat, and we reverse the field after each round (1 through 11, then 11 through 1). I drafted fourth overall. Here's my team: Forwards Markus Naslund (VAN) Paul Kariya (NSH) Brendan Morrison (VAN) Cory Stillman (CAR) Olli Jokinen (FLA) Henrik Zetterberg (DET) Defensemen Niklas Lidstrom (DET) Ed Jovanovski (VAN) Sean Hill (FLA) Niclas Havelid (ATL) Goaltenders Tomas Vokoun (NSH) Roberto Luongo (FLA) Not bad. Not great, but not bad. With all due respect to every other league that fills my free time, the FHL is my pride and joy. Nothing else matters. I won the championship the last time I drafted Naslund, so I'm hoping lightning strikes twice. Wish me luck.

Oops, I Did It Again

Sorry for the lack of postage this weekend, sports fans, but I have been away from the SYLG corporate offices - aka my basement - since Friday night. After relishing the BSG finale, the family and I trekked to the Philadelphia Police Academy for Saturday's Family Day. It was chock full of cool things for a four-year old to do; including playing hockey with the Philadelphia Phantoms mascot, checking out the cool police gear (as well as the helicopter and the new SWAT tank), and demonstrations from the K-9 unit and the motorcycle drill team. My son Kyle loved it. Last night, I was in South Jersey with my friends for our fantasy hockey draft (*cough* loser *cough*). Unlike some of my other fantasy leagues, the FHL is for mucho dinero. When I won the league three years ago, I took home the pot of $300. NICE! I am now watching the Eagles look like poo before Bill and I go to our final Riversharks game of the season. But, I should be posting on a regular sked starting tomorrow morning. I'd apologize more, but no one ever reads this drivel on the weekend.

Raising Cain

The bitch is back. One of the telltale signs that I have enjoyed a particular television program is my reaction immediately afterwards. For example, after watching the season finale of Battlestar Galactica tonight (yeah, yeah, I know their schedule is askew) I literally said "Holy shit" to my TV screen. I then pressed "rewind" on my TiVo (I love you, TiVo!) to watch the last two minutes again. And then I did it again. And a third time. After that, everything finally sunk in. And it was good. Tonight's episode, entitled "Pegasus," is a direct remake from the original (read: campy) series. In it, a sister battlestar (the Pegasus, commanded by Lloyd "Mendelbaum! Mendelbaum!" Bridges) appears after presumably being destroyed in a cylon attack. The new series' creators kicked this version up a notch: 1. "Commander" Cain has been cast as a woman (Michelle Forbes, pictured above). 2. Cain is recast as an Admiral, thus outranking Commander Adama (Edward James Olmos). 3. The two commanders do not see eye to eye. I won't spoil the fun for those of you who haven't seen it yet - including Bill, who really needs to get DirecTv! - but the last two minutes were as exciting as anything "24" can dish out. I can't wait until January.

The Evil Conservative

In light of recent accusations fired at President Bush (read: blowing New Orleans' levees with dynamite), I believe it is necessary to expose some of the deepest, darkest conspiracies known only to evil conservatives such as myself. I apologize if this offends some of my conservative friends, but I do this for the good of the nation. Top Ten Other Things George Bush Is Responsible For 10. George Bush cancelled the original Star Trek. 9. Not only did Bush know about 9-11 beforehand, he also let bought Atta's first class ticket. (Of course, as a prank, Bush reserved Atta a kosher meal.) 8. Being a Texas football fan, George Bush rigged every Super Bowl in which the Buffalo Bills were involved. In fact, Scott Norwood was secretly given elephant tranquilizer before his "wide right" field goal attempt. 7. In 1963, when John F. Kennedy was about to blow the lid off Haliburton and its monopolistic tendencies. George Bush let Oswald borrow his old Italian bolt-action rifle. 6. George Bush (as well as Pope Pius XII) created the AIDS virus in the basement of the Vatican, although Bush wanted the original strain to target gays, blacks, and Jews. 5. George Bush is responsible for my cousin Colleen's lactose intolerance. 4. Dick Cheney's health in not failing; he is a cylon. The V.P. is constantly in the hospital to upgrade his software. 3. George Bush singlehandedly destroyed the ozone, because his twins like to wear halter tops and sun dresses year round. 2. George Bush is responsible for this post not being funny. Yeah, blame him. 1. The war in Iraq is a ruse. It is only the first step in George Bush's attempt to gain control of Sweden's vast fondue fields.

The Summer Of George

"The New York Yankees are back in a familiar spot: first place. Seeking their eighth straight division title, the Yankees took over sole possession of the AL East lead Wednesday night thanks to Randy Johnson's clutch pitching and Boston's meltdown at Tampa Bay." With apologies to the good folks in Tax-achusetts, I'm loving this!

Repent! The End Is Nigh!

Ya know, I'm not a big proponent of biblical prophecies, but if I were a resident of New Orleans, I'd be wondering if some of the religious whackos aren't so whacko after all. Let's face it, the Big Easy (along with Las Vegas) are America's versions of Sodom and Gomorrah. Everywhere you turn in these burgs it's gluttony, sin, and excess. The next thing you know, New Orleans is virtually wiped off the face of the map by a category five hurricane. Many folks would say that it was just a matter of time before "the big one" hit there anyway. After the devastation, many N.O. residents were evacuated to Houston, Texas until they can return to their home city. Fast forward to this week, as Hurricane Rita rears her ugly head. Rita is a monster, and is already competing with Katrina in overall strength. And guess where she's headed? Straight for Houston. Jesus. Either the citizens of New Orleans are the unluckiest people ever, or GOD . . . IS . . . PISSED!

"They're Real . . . "

" . . . and they're spectacular!" I can't believe this is news. "Tyra Banks underwent a televised sonogram on her new talk show to prove that her breasts aren't fake. 'I'm tired of this rumor. It's something that's followed me forever,' the supermodel said Tuesday on 'The Tyra Banks Show.'" I'm not sure what's more disturbing; the fact that Tyra thinks that people actually care if her breasts are real or fake, or that this empty-headed bimbo has her own talk show! I heard on the Stern show this morning that during the "examination," Banks actually broke down in tears because of the fantastic plastic rumor. I mean, come on! Look, personally, I think Tyra is uber-hot, but the second she opens her mouth, the fantasy dissolves faster than Alka-Seltzer. Here's a word of advice, sugar: pose for the damn photos, and worry about looking pretty. Trust me, in a world of al Qaeda, hurricanes, and Hillary Clinton, no one cares about your "issues."

Stupid Questions

Why would anyone listen to an impeached former President who is also guilty of perjury? Bill Clinton's attack on President Bush this week was surprising, but the Dems blind support of his ranting was not. Why is Matt LeBlanc a star? And for that matter, why is "Joey" a hit series?? NBC took the least talented member of the "Friends" cast and gave him his own show??? Congratulations Matt, you are officially the luckiest person on Earth. Why can't hospital personnel veto lousy baby names? Jason Lee was on Late Night with Conan O'Brien last night and informed the world that he named his child Pilot Inspector Lee. Unbelievable.

Kaaaaaaaaaa!

On Sunday, I took my annual trip to Six Flags Great Adventure with my brother Chris, his wife Kim, and my cousin Colleen. On tap; rollercoaster-a-rama. There's nothing better than being pummeled by G-forces on some of the best coasters in the area. Our task was daunting – ride every coaster at least once – but we were up to the challenge. As soon as we entered the park, we made a b-line to the Q-bot station. The Q-bot is a mini electronic system that allows people to make a reservation on a ride. The Q-bot scans in at the front of the attraction, and it tells you when you can come back to jump to the head of the line. It costs a little more, but it's well worth it. The most time we spent in line for any ride was about ten minutes. Kickass! Our first stop was the brand new Kingda Ka (pictured above), a mammoth peaking roller coaster that magnetically propels the cars from 0 to 120 mph in an instant. Afterwards, we felt like Akroyd and Chase in Spies Like Us after the G-force test: "Wanna get some coffee?" "Sounds good." After Ka, we tripped the light fantastic with Batman, Batman and Robin, The Great American Scream Machine, Medusa, Nitro (twice), and Superman (twice). Nine coasters in eight hours equal F-U-N! And now, some of the highlights: * The only ride we jumped on that wasn't a roller coaster was the bumper cars. (I know, we're juvenile, but it was great!) While standing in line, we were mocking the mental defectives that can't drive the cars – you know, the ones who pivot in circles for the entire trip – when we noticed a pattern: everyone who was in an orange car was a dope. The attendant made us laugh out loud when she said "Orange car, wrong way!" to one of the knuckleheads. It was the catch phrase of the day. * Chris, Colleen, and Kim almost passed out on Nitro. Near the end of the ride, the coaster goes into a set of high-speed ovals that are truly frightening. When we got off, they all said that their vision started to go black from the G's! Cool. * Forget gate security, SFGA needs fashion police! We were shocked and appalled at some of the wardrobes the patrons were sporting. Fat chicks wearing spandex and skinny, toothless girls not wearing bras make for a sobering day. * People suck! During the ride to the park, I told my family that I hate people, and they told me that it was because I had a bad attitude and my profession perpetuates that feeling. As if! Imagine my glee when the other three were talking about calling in an air strike for the wretched refuse that surrounded us! All in all, it was a good day.

A Whisper-Out To Angela Merkel

Okay, it would be a shout-out, but I still don't have a voice after my Great Adventure trip. (A silenced Wyatt; it must be what Heaven is like.) Anyhow, I wanted to throw support towards Angela Merkel, the challenger to incumbent German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder. Sunday's election did not yet produce a winner, but Merkel, who welcomes better ties with the U.S., has a slight lead. And isn't anyone besides the uber-arrogant Schroeder a better choice?

Two In A Row!!!

"Is there no one who can challenge me?" Once again, I have won GOP and the City's Weekend Caption Contest! I am all that is man!!!This is getting ridiculous. I'm starting to feel like General Zod.

Educating Rita

Louisiana "governor" Kathleen Blanco and New Orleans "mayor" Ray Nagin are warning their citizens about the approach of Tropical Storm Rita, now over the Florida coast. Whew! I feel better. Blanco, who hasn't yet been arrested for incompetence, stated that she is "taking this storm very seriously." Both Blanco and Nagin – the biggest boob this side of Pamela Anderson – are also contemplating evacuations. Great plan, guys. A month late, but a great plan nonetheless.

X-Men United

My ice hockey team had its first practice of the season on Saturday night, and we took our first steps towards another championship. Okay, they were baby steps, but they were discernible steps nonetheless. Fourteen of us were there on the ice, and the rust was immediately apparent. It was also apparent that I am the worst player on the squad. Swell. After an hour of practice, I was exhausted and a little concerned. First, our offense doesn't shoot enough. Most of the time it's pass, pass, pass. Hey guys, we aren't Team Sweden here; put the biscuit in the basket! Second, our defense - including myself, back at my original position - is out of shape. I am a fat bastard, but even our thinner guys are a little slow. Not good for a defenseman. Of course, it isn't all bad. Our goaltender is unbelievable. He was stopping everything that came his way, and is terrific at barking out orders to the defense. The forwards have proven talent, so as long as they start shooting, we will be fine. I hope. We'll find out soon enough, since the season is set to start in a week. Oh, for those concerned, I didn't get hit with any pucks, but I'll probably have to get a full-face cage - thus getting certain females off my back - because by playing defense, it's only a matter of time.

Day Of The Dead

I feel like Marty McFly; unable to distinguish the past, present, and future. I know I said I was going to post about my weekend yesterday, but after being up for 40 hours straight, I slept all day. Really. All day. I woke up for an hour to see the kids until they went to bed, then abruptly went back to sleep before work. Sorry folks.

Here Kitty, Kitty!

I don't have an update on the "Kitten Billboard" because nothing has changed. The Kentucky Wildcats got trounced this weekend by Indiana, 38-14, and Kitten's wardrobe remains intact. Dang.

The 40-Hour Virgin

As of this posting, I have been up for 35 hours straight (with the exception of a little cat nap before work last night). After my hockey scrimmage on Saturday night, I came home, took a shower, and went to work. I got home from work at 0730 on Sunday morning - just enough time to shower and run to my cousin's house for our trip to Six Flags Great Adventure. After spending the day there, I got home at 2030, took a cat nap, and went to work last night. And here we are. I apologize for not posting yesterday, but the only window of opportunity I had was the hour I slotted for a nap. At the time, sleep was much more important to me than blogging. The last thing everyone needed was to see a story on the news "Cop Falls Asleep At The Wheel, Kills 12." To be honest, my mind isn't running on any cylinders now (as opposed to the 1/2 cylinder it usually uses), and I'm not even sure if this makes sense. I'm that tired. So, I'm gonna go up and sleep the sleep of the righteous, and regale everyone with my weekend tales (including the hockey game, a night on the wagon, and rollercoaster-palooza) when I'm more coherent.

Garfield Ridge Gets It

There's not a lot I can add to Dave at Garfield Ridge's analysis of last night's episode of Battlestar Galactica. (Read it here: Four Star Galactica - but beware the spoilers if you haven't seen it yet!) I appreciate the fact that Dave is a huge fan of the show, and with the amount of daily hits he receives, he must be converting more people than I am. Cylons Are Yummy! To date, only my brother and my friend Bill are my converts. And that's a damn shame, because (in my opinion) it rivals "24" as the best show on television today. Unfortunately, due to BSG's sked, next week will be its Season 2 finale. Fortunately, Season 1 (as well as the mini-series) will be released Tuesday on DVD, so you don't have any excuses for not catching up.

Skate Or Die!

(The Stir-Fried Weasels logo - A weasel in a wok.) Tonight's the night. In a little over twelve hours, I will be a hockey player again. Our first practice/scrimmage is scheduled for 7:15pm, as a precursor to the 30-game Fall season. Actually, it's the same team (more or less - guys I went to high school with), but we're skating under a new name: The X-Men. Our new jerseys aren't ready yet (which is why we'll be the Weasels tonight), but they are supposed to be wicked cool! A lot of things have changed since I last laced them up; a new rink, a new team, and a new name, so I wanted to change my number as well. Out is the familiar #24. In is the #21 (in honor of the Flyers' new addition, Peter Forsberg). I'll never skate or score like him - and, hell, my first regular hockey number was #99, and I didn't resemble Gretzky in the least - but what the hell, I'm having fun! Now, if I can only make it through this scrimmage unhurt . . .

Mr. 4000

("He's just crazy enough to do it!") A laurel and hearty handshake goes out to Fmragtops; the 4,000th visitor to SYLG! I have never been so proud! Thanks to each and every one of you, and go check our Fmragtops Spews today.

It's In The Game

GOP and the City has issued the Blogs4Bauer Challenge #2, which deals with the upcoming release of the "24" videogame for PS2. (Pardon me while I stop giggling like a schoolgirl.) Here's the topic: List the top 5 features you would like to see included in the game. 1. Deathmatch. What "24" game would be complete without the requisite deathmatch mode: a one-on-one, kill-or-be-killed gunfight starring any of the characters from the previous seasons. Who would win a battle between Viktor Drazen and Stephen Saunders? Or how about Kim Bauer versus Nina Meyers? If given the choice, however, I'm pitting Jack Bauer against Tony Almieda. Sweet! 2. Nipple Accessibility. No, it's not what you think (although with Kim in the game . . . ). Since the ability to torture villains is allegedly included in the game, I want to be able to access people's chests. What better torture than the ol' lamp wires to the nipples method - a Jack Bauer specialty. 3. The Ever-Present Clock. This may be a no-brainer (and no-brainers are my specialty), but I want, no, need the "24" clock. And it better beep as the seconds tick away, too. 4. Head Shots. My favorite option from the Syphon Filter series is a must for this game. I want sniper rifles, and I want head shots. Gimme, gimme, gimme! Pay attention, kids, this is the most important feature: 5. Realism. If "24: The Game" is politically correct in any way, I'm out. I don't need a PSA stating that not all Muslims are terrorists, just as I don't need a PSA stating not all Irish people are terrorists (but we never got that one, did we?) Any PC disclaimer apologizing for a "slight" to any race, religion, or creed is a deal breaker.

She Finally Spawned

Pop music whore Britney Spears (pictured at left, circa 2007) gave birth to a baby boy on Wednesday. The future gas station attendant was delivered via Caesarian section at UCLA Medical Center - which marks the only time Spears will ever see the inside of a university. Why a Caesarian section? You won't believe the reason: "I have a feeling I'm going to have an operation. I don't know why. But I hope so. I don't want to go through the pain..." Oh, well, I'm glad she cleared that up. I guess no one told her that having a child was a painful process. Thank God for celebrities. Maybe C-sections will become the hip new method of childbirth. Can you imagine all of her idiot fans asking their OB-GYN for C-sections because they don't want it to hurt? Cripes! I've said it before, and I'll say it again: people should have to earn a license to have children.

"I Don't Want To Live In America"

(Get out, and take that ugly kid of yours with you.) Yep, that was the quote from uber-absorbed actress Gwyneth Paltrow. "Yes, well, I went to Spain in an exchange program at 15, and I've always been drawn to Europe. America is such a young country, with an adolescent swagger about it. But I feel that I have a more European sensibility, a greater respect for the multicultural nature of the globe. And it's a strange time to be an American now." Oh, please. Spare us. ". . . I feel like we're really in trouble. I just had a baby and thought, 'I don't want to live there.' Bush's anti-environment, pro-war policies are a dis. . . [grace]" Knock yourself out, Gwyneth. (If that is your real name.) Don't let the door hit you in the ass. Oh, and while you're at it, take Alec Baldwin with you.

"You're A Rabid Anti-Dentite!"

"Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools." I was never a big fan of going to the dentist. When I was a kid, the clown I used to visit was pretty much a sadist with newer magazines. He once pulled a loose tooth out of my mouth with his bare hands - I kid you not - and he was not a believer in novacaine. Fast forward about 15 years. My wife had me see her dentist, who she said was terrific. She was right. Dr. Flynn was absolutely pain-free; he even dulled the gums before he administered the needle for the novacaine! Totally kick ass! And then he retired. That was two years ago, and I haven't been to the dentist since. (We spent that time looking for someone good.) Today, I visited the new dentist, Dr. Bendler. He's very good, and a nice enough guy, but the "cleaning" from the hot little dental hygenist was an exercise in torture. Short version: imagine a lot of pain and blood. Two years of plaque requires some elbow grease to come off. I was too busy wincing to notice the hygenist's hotness. Powerfully uncool. Thankfully, I had no cavities, so all in all, I reckon it was a good day.

One Down . . .

. . . a few more to go. Two weeks ago, I posted about the "Kitten Billboard" in Lexington, Kentucky. Well, after losing to Louisville, the Wildcats actually won one, beating Idaho State (I can only assume their nickname is "The Spuds"), 41-29. Let the disrobing begin. "Off with her shirt!"

Stupid Questions

Does anyone think Martha Stewart is creepy? If President Bush can control the weather – I mean, Katrina was his fault, remember – do you think he can give Philly a blizzard-free 2005? Does anyone think the "dancing old guy" from the Six Flags commercials is really creepy? Am I the only one impressed with John Roberts' performance in yesterday's confirmation hearings? Not only did he show his judicial expertise, but he also made Teddy *hic* Kennedy and Joe "Plagiarism" Biden look like fools. Does anyone think the "King" from the Burger King commercials is really, really creepy? I'm freakin' out, man!

Inaction Jackson

Working inside a police district's operations room isn't always a bargain. Take last night, for instance. I'm entering reports into the computer, when I hear an officer come over the radio and say he's in foot pursuit. The officer then screams that there are shots fired at his location. And I can't leave the building to help. My supervisor turns up the volume of the radio to get another update. It didn't take long. The male is running through the projects and firing his pistol haphazardly. The officer originally heard five or six shots, and then saw the male fire four more. By now, every cop in the district is enroute to the location . . . and I'm grinding my teeth, dying to get into the fight. A few moments later, the officer loses sight of the male, who must have ducked into an abandoned property. Amazingly, no one was hurt, and no shell casings were found. And I missed the excitement. Damn.

"I'm The Wiz And Nobody Beats Me!"

Guess who won GOP and the City's Weekend Caption Contest? Any ideas? Okay, I'll give you a hint; he's neither animal, vegetable, nor mineral, and he's bigger than a toaster. Tee hee hee! Congratulations to Damian for taking the silver (or as I would say, being the "first loser"). Better luck next time, punk!

Vick's Vap-O-Drub

I want to personally thank Donovan McNabb and David Akers for costing me a win in my fantasy football league this week. There's nothing like being embarrassed on Monday Night Football, eh guys? What really burns me is that the Flamin' Homers at the Philadelphia Daily News all but guaranteed that the Eagles would finish no worse than 13-3. I mean, come on, it's the frakkin' NFL! All the moons have to be in alignment for a team to go 13-3, and as of last night, the home team looked lost in space. "Oh the pain. The pain of it all!" McNabb (who I like, by the way) looked nothing like the former Syracuse scrambler who gave opposing defenses migraines. Last night, Donovan was doing his Dan "Feet of Stone" Marino impression . . . without the completions. And Akers obviously forgot that a place-kicker's job was to make field goals, not miss them wide right like Scott Norwood (sorry Peakah). It doesn't get any easier next week, when the San Francisco 49ers come to town.

Lace 'Em Up!

I got some good news last night that had nothing to do with my car insurance: our fall ice hockey season begins on Saturday night. The Flyers Skate Zone allows teams free ice time before the season begins for a team practice. Although I am scheduled to work that evening, I plan to be in attendance. No one can call me an Allen Iverson: "It's practice. Practice!" Now if I can only lose about thirty pounds in four days.

Aghdashloo? God Bless You!

(Editor's note: This is my first official entry as a member of Blogs For Bauer. The brainchild of The Man, our team will regularly post about the best damned show on television: 24. The Man has brought together the greatest minds in the blogosphere . . . and me.) It warms the heart when a notorious television terrorist can still get work in Hollywood. Shohreh Aghdashloo - no this is not the Junior Jumble; that's her name - who played Mommy Terrorist Dina Araz last season has landed a role in next summer's X-Men 3. She will be playing the role of Dr. Kavita Rao, an Indian geneticist who has allegedly invented a "cure" for mutation. (It also helps that for a middle-aged woman, Shohreh is X-ponentially yummy!) Ironically, Dina Araz had quickly become one of my favorite characters on the show, because she was pure evil! (Is she hot? Shohreh!) And that is the Catch-22 of "24." The villains are always more interesting than the heroes. (Jack Bauer doesn't count, because he is, in effect, a villain in hero's clothing.) I cared more about what would happen to Dina Araz last season than I did about Chloe O'Brien - who always has a look on her face like somebody farted. In this vein, "24" mimics the Star Wars films. Only nerds and dateless wonders cheered for the Rebel Alliance (with the exception of Han Solo, who could have been the predecessor of Jack Bauer). All the "cool" kids were secretly hoping that Darth Vader would smite his enemies. And if that's not true, then why is it widely accepted that The Empire Strikes Back is the best film of the six? The strength of "24" has always been its enemies. Season One had Sarah Clarke (Nina Meyers), Zeljko Ivanek (Andre Drazen) and Dennis Hopper (Viktor Drazen), man! Season Two had Tobin Bell (Peter Kingsley). Season Three had Joaquim de Almeida (Ramon Salazar) and Paul Blackthorne (Stephen Saunders). And last season had Aghdashloo, Nestor Serrano (Navi Araz), and Arnold Vosloo (Habib Marwan). It is not a coincidence that these actors (and their characters) won me over as the seasons progressed. I'm glad Aghdashloo is now being recognized for it; and I'll watch for her in X3.

If It Weren't For Bad Luck . . .

(Jeff Gordon, preparing to give "the finger" to NASCAR.) What a de-diddly-lightful weekend for this gunslinger. Let's chronicle the misery, shall we? On Saturday, my beloved Michigan Wolverines got whupped by a bunch of drunks (read: The Fighting Irish). I can say this, since I happen to be Irish. After replaying the game in my puny little brain, I have come to this conclusion: if Michigan Sophomore QB Chad Henne doesn't fumble at the 1-yard line, the blue and maize win the game. Dang. At the rate they're going, UM is gonna have trouble with Penn Freakin' State! Later that evening, the boys of NASCAR ran in Richmond in the final event before the Chase for the Nextel Cup (read: playoffs). Jeff Gordon needed to finish in the top ten in the overall standings to be eligible for this year's title, and as was the case for most of the season, he came up smaller than Ray Nagin. "Wonder Boy" finished a dismal 30th, and looked more like Gordon Shumway than Jeff Gordon. Here's a little news flash: I am a nerd. As such, it is my civic duty to join fantasy sports leagues. Football is usually first on the list. I am currently involved in three leagues (one at nfl.com, and two at yahoo.com) and on paper my teams looked fairly decent. That's why they play the games. Barring a miracle, I am going to go 0-3 in my league games this week (including the one created by The Man), primarily because I started players that I thought would do well. From now on, I will do the opposite, a la George Costanza.

Four Years

And sadly, far too many Americans have already forgotten.

Carnys Built This Country

(The Earp clan, flanked by two NICU docs who took care of Kyle.) " . . . at least the carny part of it, anyway." - Homer Simpson Sorry for the late afternoon posting, but today was Frankford-Torresdale Hospital's Annual NICU Reunion Carnival. Every year, the doctors and staff from the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit invite all of the children who spent time in the NICU back for a huge party on the hospital grounds. Kyle, my four-year old, spent three days in the unit. He was born six weeks premature, and weighed 5 pounds, eight ounces. Erik, my one and a half-year old, was also a preemie, born four weeks early, but , thankfully, avoided the NICU. The weather was perfect (sunny and warm) for the event, which included a DJ, a moon bounce, games and prizes, and doctors in the dunk tank. Both of the kids had a terrific time, as did the wife and I (until I heard the Notre Dame-Michigan score on the radio, that is).

A Policeman's Prayer

Dear Jesus/Buddha/Allah (I wanna cover all the bases), I pray to you, almighty God, please curse the Notre Dame football team with continuous losses until I leave this Earth. And, while you're at it, I pray to you to strike the squad with painful, pus-filled boils, with a pinch of leprosy. My heart is pure, and my request has nothing to do with the fact that the Fighting Irish beat my beloved Michigan Wolverines in Ann Arbor this afternoon. Thank you. Your humble servant, Wyatt.

Transporter 2

(Say what you want, but Kate Nauta is devilishly hot!) My friend Bill and I went to see an afternoon showing (matinee prices, whoo hoo!) of The Transporter 2. We figured, what the hell, we saw the first, so why not see the sequel. The fact that Kate Nauta was scantily clad throughout the film had nothing to do with our decision, I can assure you. The reviews were mixed - not that I put stock in film reviewers - but the Luc Besson adventure was tops at the box office last weekend. Right up front, here's the bottom line: Transporter 2 was a very good summer popcorn movie. The first was a little better, and this one won't win any Oscars, but it was a solid film. And totaling only 90 minutes, it's good on the ol' bladder. Order a large soda with confidence, my friends! Now that the boring stuff is outta the way, lemme tell you about Lola. Nauta's character steals the film, although it would have been nice of her to steal some clothes while she was at it. (The most she wore at one time was a police patrol jacket on top of the outfit pictured above. Sweet!) The funniest moment came when Gianni (the villain) told Lola to "get dressed." At the time, she was naked save for a conveniently placed comforter. She goes upstairs and comes down wearing . . . a bra and panties!!! Bill and I look at each other and whisper, "That's getting dressed?" Transporter 2 won't appeal to everyone, but I would go see Jason Statham in almost anything. The star of Snatch and Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels is a terrific actor worthy of your time. And guys, Kate Nauta is worth your time, too.

Lousy Drunks!

(An Eagles fan with his best friend in the world: Mr. Beer.) The only thing I dread about football season is dealing with all the drunks. And Philadelphia Eagles fans are the worst of the lot. So, imagine my outrage when the Weekend section of today's Philadelphia Inquirer (*cough* liberal rag! *cough*) ran a cover story entitled "Where to Drink in the Game." The article then lists ten "hot spots" to grab an adult beverage (read: get completely blitzed) and watch the pigskin. Unbelievable. I have firsthand knowledge of Eagles' fans penchant for over-indulgence. If New Orleans had a dollar for every person I locked up wearing Eagles green, the city would be rebuilt by now. Monday Night Football games, especially, are "target-rich environments" for DUI arrests, and me and my co-workers will be licking our chops in anticipation of yummy, yummy overtime. Bring it on!

Ya Know What I Miss?

Beavis and Butt-Head. There was no middle ground with Mike Judge's MTV morons; you either loved them or hated them. Personally, I loved them. But, then again, I also love anchovies, so . . . Wiseguy. Remember when CBS had good shows? Me neither. Wiseguy, however, was a great show. Entertainment Weekly named it one of the Top 100 Television Shows of All Time. Wiseguy was also innovative, being the first series to link together many episodes as part of a larger story (called an "arc"). Of course, this used to be my favorite program, then Ken Wahl (above) decided to pull a Shelley Long and left to pursue a big time (non-existent) movie career. Ass. Crime Story. Michael Mann's take on gangland Chicago starred Dennis Farina (is there anything he isn't excellent in?) as Lt. Mike Torello; a detective obsessed with bringing down mob boss Ray Luca. Torello was the kind of cop I always wanted to be - hard as nails, and not afraid to unleash the nightstick on some guy's head - before I realized that we live in a politically correct country. Although it only lasted three seasons, Crime Story was nominated for three Emmys.

Good Idea!

Oh, what? Like we all haven't wanted to do this to one of those annoying "cell phone people!"

Sports Shorts

Maybe Joe Pa isn't so bad. The octogenarian coach of Penn State football said he doesn't like the media anymore. "I can't trust you guys anymore. I am just being honest with you. It is no fun." Good for you, Joe – it only took you sixty years to figure that out. Retirement, Part One Seven-time Tour de France champion (and American hero) Lance Armstrong hinted that he may return for another Tour next year. Why? Primarily to fist the French yet again. "While I'm absolutely enjoying my time as a retired athlete with Sheryl and the kids," Armstrong said, "the recent smear campaign out of France has awoken my competitive side. I'm not willing to put a percentage on the chances, but I will no longer rule it out." Retirement, Part Deux New Jersey Devils defenseman Scott Stevens has announced his retirement. Somewhere, Eric Lindros and Paul Kariya are toasting with champagne. Stevens' departure is yet another blow to the Devils' blue line (Scott Niedermayer recently signed with Anaheim), as well as a kick in the teeth for Jersey fans like Pandy. Tee hee hee! Enjoy your retirement, Scotty – don't come back!

"Break" On Through

Nine times out of ten, when my friend Bill recommends a show for me to TiVo, it's usually something dreadful like Dancing with the Stars or Lost. So, when he told me that I had to watch Fox's new series Prison Break, I rolled my eyes, and reluctantly agreed. I guess even a blind Bill occasionally finds a nut. I realize that I now have zero credibility after recommending the God-awful Over There - I waited on this review until I watched three episodes - but I implore you; give me another chance. Prison Break rocks! Here's your plot rundown: "An engineer (Wentworth Miller) installs himself in a prison he helped designed in order to help his brother (Purcell), a death-row inmate who insists he didn't not commit the crime for which he's been sentenced to die, escape." - "Borrowed" from imdb.com. My barometer of an entertaining show usually depends upon whether or not I can keep track of time. One example is Battlestar Galactica. I am so wrapped up in the story that when the episode is over, I am surprised. As I watched this week's episode of Prison Break, I couldn't believe that the hour went by so fast. This is a show worthy of your time.

Go 4th And Multiply

I took fourth place in GOP and the City's Weekend Caption Contest, and it feels great! Congrats to Maggie for her hysterical winning entry.

Stupid Is As Stupid Says

New Orleans Police Superintendent Eddie Compass really needs to shut the hell up. On Monday, Compass said the following: "In the annals of history, no police department in the history of the world was asked to do what we were asked." He said this with a straight face. Is it just me, or does anyone else think he's exaggerating just a tad? Wasn't there a police department (and a fire department) about 90 miles north of my town that was asked to do a lot four years ago? If memory serves, there was a police department in Southern California that dealt with a lot of crap in Watts in the 60's as well. Hell, while we're at it, I'd bet the Pompeii Police Department had a lot to handle when Mount Vesuvius erupted. Of course, Unsteady Eddie didn't stop there. Yesterday, Compass said that incompetent New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin would "go down as the greatest mayor in the history of America." He said that with a straight face, too. Let's ponder that remark for a moment, shall we? Nagin was called by President Bush the Saturday before the hurricane and was begged to evacuate the city. (Keep in mind, NOLA's crisis scenario determined that it would take at least 72 hours to evacuate a city that size.) Nagin refused to issue the order, and didn't issue the evac order until 20 hours before Katrina hit. Unfortunately, Nagin also refused to utilize the dozens of city buses to ship his citizens to safety. At least he opened the Superdome to the victims. That was a smart move, right? Well, yes and no. Nagin waited far too long to open up the stadium, but also – in a perfect example of idiocy – told the citizens to bring their own food and water, because they would receive nothing at the dome. Well played, Ray. Look, I really don't relish ripping Nagin after all the man has been through, but let's be honest: he dropped the ball. For Compass to claim that Nagin is the greatest anything is preposterous – and he should be doing more important things than kissing his boss' ass.

Godspeed, Little Buddy!

Bob Denver (1935-2005)

Congratulations Are In Order

(The proud "killing machine" parents. Congrats you crazy kids!) The very pregnant Pandy finally went into labor on September 3rd, and the little bundle of joy arrived at 12:25 pm. Mother and son are happy and healthy (Thank God!), with the little sniper weighing 7 pounds, 15 ounces, and 21 inches long. In lieu of any comments on my ridiculous excuse for a blog, please stop by What Panda? to wish the family well. I would consider it a personal favor. Thanks! Editor's note: Pandy and Dong-Dong's picture was reprinted without their permission. It's called the Freedom of Information Act, kids! Heh, heh, heh.

Stupid Questions

How freaked out are the Democrats after hearing that President Bush has nominated John Roberts for Chief Justice of the Supreme Court? If President Bush is responsible for the looting and violence in New Orleans (as some liberals claim), then why aren't cities like Biloxi, Mississippi spiraling into anarchy? How can a young man steal a bus to pick up stranded Katrina survivors, collect money for gas, and drive them to safety in Houston, while others whine that they need the federal government to save them? Isn't it ironic when a wealthy African-American rapper states that "America was set up to help the poor, the black people, the less well-off, as slow as possible?" I wonder if Barack Obama, Terrell Owens, P-Diddy, Stuart Scott, and Denzel Washington would agree. And speaking of wealthy African-American rappers, how many people believe that "George Bush doesn't care about black people?" Can somebody please ask that question to Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice? Thanks a bunch. Is anyone still reading SYLG? I know it's Labor Day Weekend, but my daily hits are at an all-time low. Come on, people, let's get with the program!

A Note About Comments

I feel like a "somebody" now. The other day I received my first spam comment. Fear not, for I have dispatched the Sentinels to dispose of the website in question, but it has forced my to add the dreaded "Word Verification" to the blog. I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but it only takes a sec to type in the word shown. So, quit being a bunch of babies and suck it up - I thrive on comments, kids! Thanks!!!

Let The Games Begin

A lot of folks will tell you that firefighters play the best practical jokes. Although I agree that they really know their craft, I would respectfully disagree that they are the kings of the mountain. That title lies with police officers. For example, a few months ago, an officer in my squad called police radio and had them dispatch the following job: "16, can you check the area for two white males inside a dark sedan having 'relations?'" The officer, who happened to be the prankster who called it in, answered by saying, "Radio, be advised, that's just our plainclothes team." Suffice to say, the plainclothes team was both embarrassed and pissed! Of course, it's not as funny when you're the victim. On Thursday morning, I was going at it with one of the guys in my squad. He was calling me "Captain Neckfat," and I was calling him "Goggles Paesano" after posting his Police ID picture - complete with oversized specs - around the district. After a while, he went out to patrol while I was working inside. Six o'clock rolls around, and I pack up to go home. I jump in my car and start my drive. As I'm motoring along, a white van is tailgating me. He speeds up, then backs off. I see the driver in the rear view mirror, and he seems to be squinting at my license plate. After a few minutes, I think that there's something wrong with the car, or my plate is falling off. I pull over and look at the plate to find this: "Goggles" pasted a piece of paper over the actual plate with this! I was never so embarrassed in my life. Goggles, it's on!!!

Thanks For Nothing!

On Thursday, I posted about the "Kitten Billboard" in Lexington, Kentucky that promises that she will lose an article of clothing for every Wildcat win. Well, don't get your hopes up yet, guys; yesterday Kentucky lost to Louisville, 31-24. The game was being televised on ESPN, and (to my shame) I watched most of it in anticipation of seeing the updated billboard. God, I need a hobby!

There's A New "Kid" In Town

Move over, Jeff Gordon, there's a new Young Gun in NASCAR . . . and his name is Kyle Busch. The 20-year old became the youngest driver ever to win a NASCAR race after taking the checkered flag at California Speedway last night. "The previous youngest winner was Donald Thomas, who was four days older than Busch when he won in Atlanta in November 1951." Busch won the race in style, leading 95 of the 250 laps, and surviving a last-minute green-white-checkered finish. As for Jeff Gordon, the light at the end of the Race for the Chase tunnel is fading fast. Gordon finished 21st last night, dropping in the point standings from tenth to twelfth, with only one race left before NASCAR's post-season. He will need to get back into the top ten to be eligible for big money and big prizes. I'm not gonna hold my breath.

Go Blue!

"It's the most wonderful time of the year!" That's right, kiddies. Screw Christmas, it's college football season, and the #4 ranked Michigan Wolverines started their season with a bang by spanking Northern Illinois 33-17. Okay, it's freakin' Northern Illinois, so I shouldn't get too excited, but next week is the game I've been waiting for: Notre Dame. This may get my kicked out of the Emerald Society, but I despise Notre Dame. I have always hated them . . . and probably always will. I hate Lou Holtz (even though he's no longer there) and I hate Joe Montana (since he's an alum), and I hate the current squad - primarily because they ruined UM's chances for a National Championship last year. This year will be different. This year, the Irish have to make the trek to The Big House in Ann Arbor. This year, I don't just want to beat them. I want blood. And, if the Wolverines get past Notre Dame, they get to feast on Penn State later in the season. Mmm . . . Nittany Lion roasted over an open fire!

I Feel "Sleepy"

(Relax, Hessian; it's nothing to lose your head over!) One of the goals of my weekend (sans family) was to catch up on some DVD's I haven't yet seen. The first on my list was 1999's Sleepy Hollow, which was directed by one of my faves; Tim Burton. Burton's creepy take on the Washington Irving tale stars Johnny Depp as Ichabod Crane, the lovely Christina Ricci as Katrina Van Tassel, and the legendary Christopher Walken as The Headless Horseman. Okay, why the hell am I reviewing a six-year old movie??? Cripes, I need to get out more often! Since most of you have probably seen the film, here are a few things that caught my attention: The Star Wars Connection: Three SW alums are in the film; Christopher Lee (aka Count Dooku), Ian McDiarmid (aka Emporer Palpatine), and Ray Park (aka Darth Maul - who was the fight double for The Horseman). Johnny Depp: This guy is fast becoming the most versatile actors in the industry. Like Jimmy Stewart and Tom Hanks, Depp appears to be able to play any role. Christopher Walken: I frakkin' love this guy! End of message.

Forget MRE's. Send Down Some Violins!

(Even Max is looking to score enough fuel to flee New Orleans!) I'm about to piss everyone off . . . and I don't care a whit. New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin (or, as I like to call him, "Naggin'") sounded like a pissy little bitch yesterday when he blasted federal officials for their "slow response" to the Hurricane Katrina disaster: "They flew down here one time two days after the doggone event was over with TV cameras, AP reporters, all kind of goddamn — excuse my French everybody in America, but I am pissed," Nagin said. Nagin said he told Bush in a recent conversation that "we had an incredible crisis here and that his flying over in Air Force One does not do it justice ... I have been all around this city and that I am very frustrated because we are not able to marshal resources and we are outmanned in just about every respect." Cripes, and I thought Philly mayor John Street was an a-hole. Mr. Nagin, please allow me to respond for the federal government: "Frak you!" Where was your (and your governor's) leadership since Monday? For that matter, where has it been since you took office? New Orleans has been a cesspool of violent crime for decades, and it's annual murder rate rivals that of Washington D.C. And, now you're upset that the government won't come in and hold your hand? The President did exactly what I would do: he let you two morons have a shot of trying to get a handle on the situation, and in the words of Robert DeNiro from Cop Land, "You blew it!" Do us a favor, ask your esteemed governor - who by the way, sets a terrific example by crying on camera, instead of taking charge a la Rudy Giuliani. There's no crying in government, lady! - where the hell was the Louisiana National Guard? She is their Commander-in-Chief, not the POTUS. They should have been in town the day of the storm, helping with the evacuations and shooting the looters! Now, your entire city is more reminiscent of Mad Max, with it's own Thunderdome - which, by the way, some of your animalistic citizens have already trashed! NOLA is being patrolled by gun-toting lunatics - the scary kind, not guys like the CUG - and rapes have become the norm. I think you folks have more pressing issues than ripping the feds. Get your act together and clean up your damned town!

"You Been Playin' The Foosball Again?"

Team Asshat is in the house! Today was my fantasy football league draft - yes, I realize that I'm a dork, and yes, I realize that "The Asshats" is a ridiculous name for a team - and despite that fact that I lost out on the Peyton Manning sweepstakes - my stinkin' weasel brother got him - I think I did pretty well for myself. Take a look at my starters: QB - Donovan McNabb (PHI) - Great, now I gotta root for the Eagles. Ugh! RB - Edgerrin James (IND) & Duce Staley (PIT) - If they stay healthy, I'm golden. WR - Reggie Wayne (IND) & Ashley Lelie (DEN) - Great to have a Bronco AND a Colt at wideout! TE - Tony Gonzalez (KC) - Still the best tight end in the game (next to Jessica Simpson, that is). K - David Akers (PHI) - The Iggles will score boku points, so Akers will thrive. DEF - New England - Joy-gasm!!! Okay, I realize that my fantasy football team isn't the most exciting thing to blog about today, but I figure no one's reading this anyway, since it's Labor Day weekend!

Go Wildcats!

I am now officially a fan of University of Kentucky football. Lexington, KY – As the Kentucky football season in begins, Lexington’s Original Rock Station, 100.1 WKQQ offers the football team its full support and an incentive. Beginning today, WKQQ has placed a billboard with on air personality “Kitten” offering an incentive for every game the football team wins. After each victory WKQQ will remove a piece of Kitten’s clothing. The more games won the more pieces of clothing removed. Go team go.. it’s from the rock station that puts a whole new meaning to winning streak... 100.1 WKQQ. The location for the billboard is 477 New Circle Road / Northwest between Russell Cave and Newtown Pike, across the street from Wal-mart. The billboard is currently posted. In October the board will moved to Richmond Road between Man ‘O War and Mount Tabor. Okay, a few observations: 1. The radio station glommed this idea from the film Major League (one of my personal favorites, by the way). Not that I'm complaining in any way, shape, or form. 2. This chick is really hot with her clothes on, so I can only imagine what she looks like with them off! Plus, she probably has a southern accent, which is always attractive in my book. 3. The good folks at 100.1 WKQQ even give the listeners (and internet-surfing whackos like myself) directions to the billboard (or in this case, bill-broad). Nice! 4. What the hell is the Huddle House??? Oh, by the way, here's the link.

Stupid Questions

Why do people in Philadelphia insist on calling their local police station to report a crime? Do these folks not know the number to 911? I love the requisite answer from these dopes: "I didn't think it was an emergency." The response I'd like to give them: "Well, then we won't hurry out to you." Is Green Day really that influential a band that they deserve a full hour on Last Call With Carson Daly? Thankfully, since it was Daly's show, only about thirty people saw it. Has O.J. Simpson found the real killers yet? Didn't think so. Yeah, she's a cylon, but does any guy here think that Grace Park (aka "Boomer" on Battlestar Galactica) is not hot? Hubba, hubba! Now that's one hot little "toaster!"

A Moment In The Life Of Lil' Jon

It's about time we had some damned excitement around here. Early this morning at approximately 1:14am, we get a call for a Person with a Gun at the Hess gas station. The second the call is broadcast I roll my eyes and think, "What, are people shooting each other over the price of gas now?" The first car arrives on the scene and says, "We have a founded shooting. The doer is supposed to go by the name Lil' Jon." Right away, I think of the Chappelle's Show skit. "Wwwwhhhhat?" "Okaaaayyyy!" The motive for the shooting is still unclear, but the victim was in stable condition with a gunshot wound to the leg. Thirty minutes later, we get another call for a Person with a Gun at the housing project. Go figure. The doer was not on location, but the officer recovered a fully loaded Tec-9. Swell. The doer had just been released from prison fifteen days ago. I guess he wanted to get back into the swing of things a.s.a.p. Either that, or he wanted to join the thugs in New Orleans that are terrorizing the victims there.