Colon Pow!

I guess it's the General's turn to pile on.

"WASHINGTON - Just back from Baghdad and eager to discuss promising developments, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice found herself knocked off message Sunday, forced to defend prewar planning and troop levels against an unlikely critic - Colin Powell, her predecessor at the State Department.

On Rice's mind was the political breakthrough that had brought her and Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld to Iraq last week and cleared the way for formation of a national unity government.

Yet Powell sideswiped her by revisiting the question of whether the U.S. had a large enough force to oust Saddam Hussein and then secure the peace. He said he advised Bush before the U.S.-led invasion in March 2003 to send more troops to Iraq, but that the administration did not follow his recommendation."

If Powell had any real courage, he would have made a stink about this, in America, THREE YEARS AGO!!!

I have just a few questions for "General" Powell:

• How successful would the administration have been if they asked to deploy more troops to Iraq, when the liberals and the Dems were already pissing about the original number?
• If the U.S. and the coalition did not have a large enough force to topple Saddam Hussein, then why is he now sitting in prison?
• How would Colon Pow! "secure the peace" in Iraq, when the U.S. can barely secure peace within its own borders. Hey, General, my city is averaging one homicide a day. Has Philadelphia "secured the peace?" Ass.

The best part about this story is that all of the liberal whackos who hated his guts and referred him to an "Uncle Tom" will now jump on his bandwagon, claiming he has clarity of vision. Despicable.

The Intimidator Returns

Junior dressed in black. It's about damned time!

Oh, to be in Alabama this afternoon! It took five years, but Dale Earnhardt, Jr will be driving his late father's colors at the Talladega Superspeedway. If there's any justice, Junior will avoid trouble and take the checkered flag. Is there a NASCAR fan on Earth that won't be watching?

Somewhere up above, Dale Earnhardt is smiling.

(Hat Tip to GOP and College for the pic.)

Stick It!

Okay, this film looks absolutely lousy . . .

Then again . . .

Nerd Trivia (Answer Key)

Even the promise of a prize was not enough to get you slackers motivated! Only three people (Randal Graves, Fmragtops, and Tyler D.) entered this installment of Nerd Trivia. For shame! The answers will be listed below, and the final results will follow.

Part 1: General Nerd Trivia

1. Give the full name of Squidward’s similar-looking archrival from SpongeBob SquarePants. (Squilliam Fancyson)

2. Name the actor who played Apollo in the original Battlestar Galactica who also plays Tom Zarek in the new series. (Richard Hatch)

3. Name the villain who writes his name on the moon in an episode of The Tick (The Animated Series). (Chairface Chippendale. Hat Tip to Tyler who reminds me that Chairface made the plan, but Professor Chromedome actually did the laser writing!)

4. In the TV series “Smallville,” what is Lois Lane’s nickname for Clark Kent? (Smallville)

5. Name Solid Snake’s female ally in the hit videogame Metal Gear Solid. Only her first name is necessary. Brownie points for the full name. (Meryl Silverburgh)

6. Name the fictional martial arts program Kip and Napoleon consider joining in Napoleon Dynamite. (Rex Kwon Do)

7. What’s the first name of the Corporate Accounts Payable receptionist in Office Space? “Corporate Accounts Payable, __________ Speaking. Just a moment.” (Nina)

8. In Beavis and Butt-Head, name the band whose name appears on Stuart’s shirt. (Winger)

9. In Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country, Klingon General Chang is constantly quoting which author? (William Shakespeare)

10. What is the nickname for NASCAR’s Darlington Speedway? ("The Track Too Tough To Tame." I would have also accepted "The Lady In Black")

Part 2: Knowing Your Blog Host (Multiple Guess)

1. Who is my favorite X-Men character?
a. Wolverine
b. Juggernaut
c. Nightcrawler

2. Who is my favorite Spider-man villain?
a. Rhino
b. Mysterio
c. Vulture

3. Name my favorite band.
a. REM
b. The Ramones
c. The Psychedelic Furs

4. What is my favorite single-digit number? It can be found three times on my two police badges (Officer and Detective)?
a. 2
b. 4
c. 9

5. Which Blogger was the first to place SYLG in their sidebar?
a. Dr. Phat Tony’s
b. GOP and the City
c. The Conservative UAW Guy

The Results

Winner: Randal Graves (Damn, that hurt to type.) Randal had a mere three incorrect answers: #4 in Part One, and #3 and 4 in Part Two. Bravo! Now everyone brace yourselves for the inescapable bragging.

Second Place (Tie): Fmragtops and Tyler D. Both Fm and Tyler had four incorrect answers: Fm missed #4 and #5 on Part One, and #4 and #5 in Part Two. Tyler missed #4 in Part One and #1, 4, and 5 in Part Two. Ty gets bonus points for the clarification of the question about The Tick. Nice!

Congrats to all, and thanks for having the wontons to enter!

Commercials I Hate

It was a slow week on the PIH front - I mean, really, how many times can I list jackasses like Ray Nagin and PA Governor Ed Rendell? - so this week we turn our forward batteries to those annoyances everyone loves to hate: commercials.

Brother P-Touch (aka "The Label Baby")

This radio spot runs ad nauseum on the local talk radio stations here, especially during Sean Hannity's show. Actually, this "grab your sniper rifle and run to the tower" advertisement almost always airs at 3:30pm, Philly time. It is always the same spot: "rock" music breaks the silence, then the ear-splitting lyrics begin: " . . . Simplify! Identify! Brother P-Touch peee-ople!" After your ears begin to bleed, a "hip" Generation X-er does the voice-over, telling "the guys" that there "are things you tell the ladies, and things you don't." This is where I unholster my weapon and place it to my temple. The mental defective gives "the guys" advice on hooking up . . . then I lose consciousness. The awful theme song cues the end of the torture, and I swear to make enough money to buy the company . . . and murder those responsible for this radio ad.

"THINGS YOU DON'T TELL THE LADIES INCLUDE YOUR LATEST STD, NOT WHETHER OR NOT YOU HAVE A LOUSY LABEL MAKER! HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN SEINFELD? PEOPLE RE-GIFT YOUR PRODUCTS!!!"

The 3-Step Plan

Have you heard this one? Another ad which is on a constant loop in talk radio markets, The 3-Step Plan home business system never ceases to leave me running for the duct tape. The spokesperson, Andy Willoughby - I probably butchered that last name, but who the hell cares? - begins every spot with his trademark greeting, "How in the world are ya, anyway?"

"HOW IN THE WORLD AM I, ANYWAY? I'M ABOUT FIVE SECONDS FROM SWERVING INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC IF I HEAR ABOUT YOUR LAME-ASS WORK-AT-HOME PLAN ONE MORE TIME! THAT'S HOW IN THE WORLD I AM!!!"

Heineken Beer

Don't get me wrong; I like Heineken. It was the first legal beer I ordered when I turned 21. That being said, the company's new television spot shows their trademark green bottles moving back and forth in a sort of striptease. The soundtrack for the spot is some dance song right out of a seedy gentleman's club: "Don't you wish you're girlfriend was hot like me?"

"ARE YOU FRAKKIN' KIDDING ME? OF COURSE I DON'T WISH THAT! IS IT YOUR GOAL TO HAVE MEN DUMPING THEIR GIRLFRIENDS FOR GLASS BOTTLES? GEE TARA, I REALLY LIKE YOU AND ALL, BUT I CAN'T GET THAT HEINEKEN BOTTLE OUT OF MY MIND. I'M AFRAID WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BREAK UP. IDIOTS!!!"

A Programming Note

Where is my sniper rifle when I need it?

Although I am totally against watching this crappy show, one or two of you may have a burning desire to see what kind of hovel in which your humble host resides. With that in mind, I feel it is my duty to inform you that the Philly version of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition will be aired on Sunday night, April 30th, on ABC. The home that is destroyed, and the surrounding abodes are exact replicas of my own, which is located only two blocks away (from the rear of the makeover house).

If you listen really close, you may even hear me yelling, "GET THE FRAK OUT OF MY NEIGHBORHOOD!"

The Grim Adventures Of Jack

I'm sure I'll get blamed for this.

Yet another close friend has jumped aboard the blog train. Grimjack has outed himself ("I'm out there Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it!") with the debut of his blog, Grim Musings. Although he'll deny it, Grimjack is also the cousin - real cousin, not "play" cousin - of Deathlok.

And now, a few warnings:

• Please do not rip the Philadelphia Flyers within earshot of Grimjack. He has been known to rip people's arms out of their sockets for that.
• Please do not hold me responsible for Grimjack's language, which consists of primarily four letter words. As SpongeBob SquarePants would say, Grim uses many "sentence enhancers."
• Please forgive Grimjack's blog development. He is learning as he goes.
• Oh, and please do not feed the Grimjack. Thank you.

Now stop gawking like a bunch of slack-jawed yokels and visit his blog today!

Scare Of A Lifetime

He may look innocent, but this kid nearly killed me this afternoon. This is my two-year old son Erik, and like his father and brother before him, today he caught the nasty virus that has been going around. But unlike his father and brother, Erik woke from his afternoon nap with a 105 degree fever.

105 degrees.

There's nothing better than getting that call at work. The "There's something wrong with the baby call." I had only been at work for about an hour, and just came back from a crime scene - the local media was there, but they got everyone on camera except for me - when the missus called and told me Erik was burning up. The doctor's office told her to take Erik to the hospital, and now we had a crisis. The wife is already sick, the in-laws are out to dinner, and I am 30 minutes away working on a case. Swell.

Thankfully, the missus had it covered. She had Kyle stay at the neighbor's house, called her sister-in-law so she could try and find the in-laws, and drove the baby to the E.R. In the meantime, I was a wreck, and fairly useless at the division. When the wife got to the hospital, she called my cell, and I had had enough, case or no case, I was out the door. My lieutenant and sergeant knew the details, and told me to go there a.s.a.p. I was very thankful, many bosses may not have cared.

In between trying to call the wife's cell every 30 seconds and driving like Dale Earnhardt, I made it to the hospital in 25 minutes. (New league record.) When I found them, Erik's fever dropped down to 103. Oh wow! The staff gave him antibiotics and Motrin, but thought the IV would be unnecessary. Thank God. Erik was a lump, lying on mom and moaning, and as usual, I was fearing the worst.

After a brutal three hours, Erik's fever dropped to normal, and soon the little punk was bouncing around the room and singing. Of course, he was oblivious to what his parents just went through.

When he gets better, I'm gonna strangle him.

The 2nd Nerd Trivia Contest

The first ever SYLG Nerd Trivia Contest was less than successful as far as participation was concerned. However, that didn’t stop Stella Piccolo from running away with the title. It was the question about The Tick that put her over the top. Fear not, aspiring nerds, the winner of this installment of SYLGNT will receive an honest-to-goodness prize: a genuine piece of SYLG memorabilia. (Obviously, the winner will have to send me a mailing address – which will be kept confidential.)

The first person to e-mail me (rightwing24@peoplepc.com) with the most correct answers by Friday, April 28, 2006 will be able to shout, “Victory is mine!” Please don’t post the answers in the comments section, so as to not tip off your competitors. Good luck!

Part 1: General Nerd Trivia

1. Give the full name of Squidward’s similar-looking archrival from SpongeBob SquarePants.

2. Name the actor who played Apollo in the original Battlestar Galactica who also plays Tom Zarek in the new series.

3. Name the villain who writes his name on the moon in an episode of The Tick (The Animated Series).

4. In the TV series “Smallville,” what is Lois Lane’s nickname for Clark Kent?

5. Name Solid Snake’s female ally in the hit videogame Metal Gear Solid. Only her first name is necessary. Brownie points for the full name.

6. Name the fictional martial arts program Kip and Napoleon consider joining in Napoleon Dynamite.

7. What’s the first name of the Corporate Accounts Payable receptionist in Office Space? “Corporate Accounts Payable, __________ Speaking. Just a moment.”

8. In Beavis and Butt-Head, name the band whose name appears on Stuart’s shirt.

9. In Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country, Klingon General Chang is constantly quoting which author?

10. What is the nickname for NASCAR’s Darlington Speedway?

Part 2: Knowing Your Blog Host (Multiple Guess)

1. Who is my favorite X-Men character?

a. Wolverine
b. Juggernaut
c. Nightcrawler

2. Who is my favorite Spider-man villain?

a. Rhino
b. Mysterio
c. Vulture

3. Name my favorite band.

a. REM
b. The Ramones
c. The Psychedelic Furs

4. What is my favorite single-digit number? It can be found three times on my two police badges (Officer and Detective)?

a. 2
b. 4
c. 9

5. Which Blogger was the first to place SYLG in their sidebar?

a. Dr. Phat Tony’s
b. GOP and the City
c. The Conservative UAW Guy

Fat Stat Update

The long strange trip continues. After a brutal week which included an upper respiratory infection, four days in court and fitful bouts with the sandman, I actually managed to get in some exercise. On one day I mowed the back yard, yesterday I mowed the front yard, and I took the stairs during each of my court appearances. As a bonus, I made my Weight Watchers points five out of the past seven days.

Now scale, I have been good to you, so you better be good to me! Whoo hoo! Lost two more pounds!

Here is this week’s stat: Weight: 225 pounds.

Still morbidly obese, but at least the stat isn't rising.

Five Great Film Beginnings

Sometimes a great opening scene can make even the worst films worth watching. Sometimes a great opening scene can turn a good film into an excellent film. Here are five of my favorite opening scenes that keep me coming back for more:

Desert Chase – The Road Warrior

The penultimate beginning car chase – at least until the one at the end of this epic film – is terrific for all sorts of reasons, not the least of which is watching Mad Max slam on the brakes in time for Wez to take an arrow in the forearm.

Normandy Landing – Saving Private Ryan

Greatest (and bloodiest) battle scene . . . ever!

Jewelry Store Robbery – Snatch

One of my favorite movies starts off with a bang. Just listening to Benicio Del Toro speak with a Yiddish accent is worth the price of admission.

Blockade Run – Star Wars, Episode IV

The scene that shaped my childhood: the rebel Blockade Runner being chased down by a Star Destroyer. I wanted to enlist in the Imperial Army right then and there.

Nightcrawler Attack – X-Men 2

A one-mutant wrecking machine, Nightcrawler takes out the entire Secret Service detail inside the White House. Nice.

Got some I missed? Let me know.

The John Kerry Driving School

Are you an incompetent Marine who does not know how to drive? Are you an inept soldier who is constantly running over roadside IED’s? Do you wish that someone had the answers to all of your safe driving needs? Well, at The John Kerry Driving School, we can make it happen!

Situated on forty lush acres of my wife’s inherited land, The John Kerry Driving School will train even the most uncoordinated military personnel in the fine art of avoiding land mines, explosives, and questions about your service record. Our crack instructors present a challenging curriculum, but not too challenging for the average American “GED soldier.” As I have always said, "There's no excuse … for American troops to be driving by IEDs and getting blown up." Our courses include:

Avoiding Land Mines (Both Real and Political) with Bill Clinton.

Driving On Both Sides of the Road with John McCain.

Water Crossings with Ted Kennedy.

Our program is rather pricey for the uncouth common man, but tuition reimbursement is available to those willing to work as unskilled labor. Teresa can never have too many gardeners, you know. So call us today, and get started down the road to competence!

The John Kerry Driving School: Where We Turn Loafers Into (My) Chauffeurs.

(As seen on This Week with George Stephanopoulos)

Blogger Baloney

I am not a lazy ass. (Well, The Badger would say that I am, but it’s not always true) In this case, the lack of posting is entirely the fault of the techie nerds at Blogger. I tried to post countless times between 11am and 12:30pm, but I (along with the CUG) could not do so. The CUG is royally pissed, and is thinking of leaving Blogger for another service - Fmragtops and The Anti-Hippie have already done so. I am not in that boat . . . yet, but that’s only because I fear change. Until then, I’m stuck.

SYLG Profile: Louie The Lock

(Fourth in a series.)

Louie the Lock is the inner circle's sole connection to the Aye-talian-American lifestyle. Short, stocky, with more grease than a Jiffy Lube, Louie the Lock has been our ice hockey goaltender since high school. Why? Because he can't skate. I kid you not. Thankfully, his goaltender skills are his forte, and he pulled our collective arses out of the fire on more than one occasion. (The Weasels/Flying Squirrels playoff shootout comes to mind.)

Then, Louie got married.

The Lock and his blushing Bride (would she be The Key?) flew to the tropics for their ceremony . . . and didn't invite any of us! Of course, in retrospect, the last people anyone would want at a wedding ceremony is my group of friends (remember the "How long will Badger's marriage last?" wagers?). Married and happy, Lou hung up his goalie equipment and started making babies.

He also started making obscene bets.

True to his heritage, Louis the Lock is a degenerate gambler. While he never plays at Atlantic City or Vegas, he is always looking for action through our e-mails. During every online fantasy league, The Lock plays "The House," shelling out odds for the various teams, and taking bets. During our FHL league, The Lock is good for about fifteen to twenty team-to-team wagers a season. Thankfully, for his children's college fund's sake, he rarely makes bets he cannot afford.

We don't get together with The Lock much anymore - he is busy with his family . . . wuss - but he is still a vital cog in the inner circle's machine.

Separated At Birth?

Name: Chloe O'Brian
Hobbies: Hacking, Frowning
Fave reads: Frown Digest





Name: Squidward Tentacles
Hobbies: Dancing, Frowning
Fave Reads: Frown Digest





(Cross-posted at Blogs4Bauer)

Okay, I Surrender

Yes, as my commenters have already explained ad nauseum, today is my 37th birthday. I share the day with Vladimir Lenin. Sweet! I didn't want to make a fuss - I usually don't - but I also didn't want folks to wish me happy birthday on the Welcome Back, Uber post. So, feel free to rip the old man here. Have at it.

In the meantime, here's a top ten list for your edification:

Top Ten Gifts I Haven't Received For My Birthday

10. An HDTV signal on my local Fox station. The only DIRECTV channel that is still kaput.
9. Liposuction.
8. My 50,000th visitor.
7. G.I. Joe with the kung fu grip.
6. My Beef and Beer tickets for tonight. Let's go, Deathlok!
5. Uber's home phone number.
4. The ruin of the woman who put in my first IAB complaint.
2. The Krabby Patty secret formula. (Sorry, that's a gift Plankton hasn't received for his birthday!)
2. The head of Osama bin Laden.

And the number one gift I haven't received for my birthday . . .

1. The opportunity to strip search the latest supermodel felon.

By the way, amongst the gifts I did receive today were Tiger Woods 2006 - I have been slumming with the 2005 version - and a fabulous watch with the Denver Broncos logo (and John Elway's #7 on the face). Thank you all for the birthday greetings!

Uber's Back!

Wow, first Pandy, and now Uber? Happy Birthday to . . . um, never mind. Despite the appearances, she hasn't been sleeping the weeks away. She has actually doing backbreaking manual labor. Isn't that what the Illegals are for? (I'm kidding. Don't send me hate mail.)

If you haven't already, stop by and say hello to the Southern Dandy.

Note: All pictures reprinted without the expressed written permission of The Uber Conservative.

More Hockey Fans!

Since Deathlok harassed me about omitting these lovely ladies, I feel it my duty (heh, heh, "duty") to include them.

Candace Cameron-Bure married L.A.'s Valeri Bure.

And you all know hockey groupie Anna Kournikova.

People I Hate

No preamble today. Too tired.

Dana Priest

Priest, the hack "intelligence reporter" for The Washington Post, actually won a Pulitzer Prize for her story leaking - amongst other data - the infamous Terrorist Surveillance Program. You liberals like to refer to it The Domestic Spying Program, even though no one listens to (or cares about) your calls to your Gammy. As a result, murderous thugs like Osama bin Laden no longer attempt to phone contacts in the States, and countless American intelligence assets have been put at risk. Here's a paragraph from her winning entry:

"GST includes programs allowing the CIA to capture al Qaeda suspects with help from foreign intelligence services, to maintain secret prisons abroad, to use interrogation techniques that some lawyers say violate international treaties, and to maintain a fleet of aircraft to move detainees around the globe. Other compartments within GST give the CIA enhanced ability to mine international financial records and eavesdrop on suspects anywhere in the world."

Intelligence reporter? There's a contradiction in terms.

Philadelphia Municipal Court Judges

This is not a blanket condemnation, but it is pretty damned close. Everyone who is involved in the criminal justice system in this city is required to report to court by 9am. That includes police officers, witnesses, defendants, and jurors. Judges, however, are obviously able to make their own schedules. Today I had court at 9am, and by 9:30, the room was completely filled. Still no judge. At 10am, some of the attorneys asked when the judge would grace us with his presence. The court clerk said he didn't know. At 10:35AM, this knucklehead finally shows his face, after making 100 people wait in a hot, clustered room for an hour and a half. Unbelievable.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Yeah, who didn't see this one coming? The Scientologists (Heh, I just can't stop giggling when I mention that fraud "religion") decided that Katie would be silent during childbirth. I wonder how that worked out for her? The new arrival came without a hitch - except for the fact that its parents' are psychopaths - and the vapid entertainment world held their breaths waiting for the spawn's name. Tom and Katie decided on "Suri."

Suri.

Jesus. From now on, I propose that any parent choosing such a ridiculous name be taken to the town square and beaten with book of (real) baby names.

Hockey: The Sport Of (L.A.) Kings

It has come to my attention that a few readers think hockey stinks. While I would certainly disagree with those sentiments, my arguments would fall on deaf ears here. As a result, I wanted to give you a few testimonials that may interest some of the guys out there.

Angelica Bridges married Montreal's Sheldon Souray. . .

Kristi Yamaguchi married Carolina's Bret Hedican. . .

And Carol Alt is dating the Islanders' Alexei Yashin.

Well, I'm convinced. Hockey is the greatest sport . . . EVER!

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!

It's the most wonderful time of the year. The Philadelphia 76ers have been eliminated from the postseason, the Phillies are pretty much mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, and the NHL playoffs begin tomorrow night. Both the Flyers and the Rangers made the postseason, and both teams will face some stiff (heh, heh, "stiff") competition. Ice hockey is far and away my favorite sport, but I haven't talked it up as much this year, because my FHL team stunk on ice.

As Deathlok explained the other day, the FHL is the fantasy league my friends spend all of their free time on. Deathlok, Badger, Vinnie, Butchie, and a few others are in the league of 11 teams. In September, we all meet over someone's house, drink a lot of beer, have the draft, then rip on each other's picks. (Oh, and Badger usually has brutal gas.) Teams consist of 12 total players (6 forwards, 4 defensemen, and 2 goaltenders), and the points for the top 3 forwards, 2 defensemen, and goaltender count in the standings. The league was established in the early 90's, and we've hovered around ten players every year.

Deathlok keeps track of the stats via the internet, and his Excel spreadsheet is a wonder to behold. (I'd love to show it here, but I can't find a way to show an XL spreadsheet on Blogger.) It shows every team, player, and logo. The logo is determined by the Commish (Deathlok) and reflects the general mood of the GM or team. For example, my team usually has a "fat theme," with logos of Chief Wiggum or The Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons. Vinnie usually gets something akin to vodka gimlets, etc.

This year, I thought I had the best team coming out of the draft, including Tomas Vokoun in goal, Markus Naslund, Henrik Zetterberg, and Paul Kariya at forward, and Ed Jovanovski at defense. Unfortunately, this ragtag bunch of scrubs had my team hovering near the back of the pack. A late season trade got my Jaromir Jagr, which bumped me up the chain, only to miss 5th place by 2 lousy points. Payouts are at the end of the season, and they are determined by a sliding scale. The winner gets the bulk of the money, second place gets less, third place does not pay/win any. Places 4-11 pay $25-$60 in increments of $5 each. I finished 6th, so I owe $35 plus any sidebets.

Has everyone tuned out yet?

Sidebets are stupid (sometimes drunken) wagers between GM's that range from Who will score the first goal of the season, to When will Grimjack be out of the running. Trash talking is a must, and on any given day in the season, I can have 20-30 e-mails of the league ripping each other. It's bliss.

Here's Where Hockey Fans Pay Attention

The season ends before the playoffs, and Deathlok begins his annual NHL Playoff Pool. Each entry costs $5, and folks rank the sixteen teams in order of how many games you think they'll win. For example, if you think the Flyers will bow out in the first round (which is entirely possible) , they will be ranked much lower than the team you think will win the Stanley Cup. Anyone can enter - as long as you don't be a deadbeat on the money - and the payout for the winner is always huge. Deathlok's pool usually involves 100 or so entries.

So, if anyone out there wants to put forth an entry, e-mail me or leave a comment on Deathlok's blog, and we'll send you the entry form. All entries must be sent to Deathlok's e-mail by Friday, 7pm, but the money does not have to be in right away. Good luck!

Happy Gunslinging Birthday!

In a despicable affront to one of our American Heroes, I almost forgot that today is Hugh O'Brian's 81st birthday. Who is Hugh O'Brian, you ask? Amongst other works, he played the lead in television's "Life and Legend of Wyatt Earp."

Happy birthday, Hugh!

Hat Tip: Uncle Ray

Cancel The Amber Alert!

Pandy's back! (Well, at least for one day anyway.)

Now, if we can only locate Uber . . .

Welcome Another One Of My Minions

What was once a pitiful little band has now become the ultimate power in the universe.

Frequent commenter Rachel has joined the blogosphere, and although I would like to take much of the credit for that, she has her links listed in alphabetical order. Thus Support Your Local Gunfighter is near the bottom. Damn, why couldn't I have named this blog Aardvarks Ahoy?

Her blog is officially named "Pay Heed To The Geek," but her blog address pays homage to her favorite 24 character: www.channellingchloe.blogspot.com.

Anyway, please make her feel right at home by stopping by and saying hello.

Scott McClellan Resigns

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan resigned today to pursue a career as a deer in the wilderness. McClellan stated, "I can now spend my leisure time staring at headlights. It is similar to my experiences when fielding a tough question." Rumors of McClellan's replacement are running rampant throughout Washington, but sources close to The Man have confirmed the front runner here.

Fat Stat Update

I'm still sick as a dog. After sleeping on my comfy chair for most of the day yesterday, I went to bed at 9pm, and didn't wake up until 8am. My doctor's appointment was at 8:45, and I trudged over for the bad news:

PROGNOSIS: NEGATIVE!

My blood pressure was 130 over 90 - probably a result of you people - and I have exactly what Kyle has; a severe throat infection akin to strep. Swell. I am already on amoxicillin from a previous cellulitis infection, and the doc said that if I wasn't already on antibiotics, I would be praying for death right now. So when I asked him if I could go back to work tonight, he laughed, and said absolutely not. Double swell. So, I reckon I'll be lying around the abode for most of the day, trying to conjure up something even remotely entertaining for the blog. Stay tuned.

Oh, the illness hasn't done much to my Fat Stat. Today I am at 227 pounds. Down two from last week. Cripes, I'm on the verge of the Supermodel Diet. Eat, vomit, repeat.

Death Becomes Him

For those of you who do not have children, allow me to give you some advice: don't have them. My son Kyle has been feeling under the weather for a few days now, and the doctors told us that his glands and tonsils are swollen. Being the compassionate father, I have been spending a lot of time with Kyle, trying to make him feel better.

And now, I'm sick as a dog.

My throat hurts, my back is killing me, and I have a mild fever. Unfortunately, tonight is also my first night back at work, and I'm too much of an idiot to call out sick. Thus, I will try and go to work, slave through the day, and hope to last until my doctor's appointment tomorrow. Why? Because the City of Philadelphia treats its employees like children. If an employee takes off sick, they are required to turn in a doctor's note - which is usually a hassle - on their date of return.

Like we are all going to play hookey.

After eight occurrences without a note, the employee is placed on the Sick Abuse List - a leper colony where the employee is monitored during every following occurrence. The policy forces people like myself to trudge in when they should really be in bed. Like today. As I write this, I am sweating like a pig, and it's 65 degrees in my home. And, like a jackass, I'll be at my desk in three hours.

End of rant.

By the way, I won't blame my lousy eighth place finish in GOP and the City's Weekend Caption Contest on my sickness. My entry just plain sucked.

Answers. I Got 'Em, You Need 'Em!

It has gotten to the point that I can only do the Q&A thing on my days off. Although it doesn't look like it, there is way too much post prep for these undertakings. And away we go.

The Anti-Hippie asks, "So . . . would I be better off heading off to a big city to be a programmer or going in on cargo-transport business in Alaska with my buddy the pilot? Honestly, I'm torn."

AH, come to the big city. If the movies have taught me anything, you will only hitch a ride home on one of those planes, get stranded on a desert island, and talk to a volleyball.

Linda asks, "If they film the latest "Rocky" movie in Philly, will you volunteer to be in it? And what role would you play?" She then asks, "Why didn't you name one of your sons Wyatt? "

Lin, they have already filmed most of the scenes in Philly, and they were shot in my old sh*thole district. I am actually in the film, playing the token non-I-talian guy, Fatty McButterpants. And I didn't name any of my sons Wyatt because they already have cool real names: Peter Parker Earp, and Bruce Wayne Earp.

Fmragtops asks, "What's with all the online pervs lately?"

Fm, I'm sorry, I can't answer that question because I'm trying to download the Paris Hilton sex tape.

Ssssteve asks, "Why am I here at work when I could be out golfing?" He then asks, "Wyatt, why don't you put those awesome (sarcasm) detective powers to good use and find out what happened to Uber?"

Ssssteve, first, the better question is why are you wasting valuable company time surfing my blog instead of doing your job: keeping the damned Canadians at bay? Second, I have no idea what happened to Uber or Pandy, and I certainly have no idea why the police hit my basement with a search warrant!

Deathlok goes on a tangent about Alaska, and never asks a question. His blog still gets a plug.

Randal Graves asks the following litany of questions: "Why do fat chicks have to wear such small clothes?" "Why is Tom Cruise such a friggin' a-hole?" "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie-pop?" "Why was Yuengling Lager good in college and now it sucks balls?" "Why is spandex made in Large and XL?" "Do ugly people realize that they aren't as beautiful as me?" "Why don't women understand the pleasure of a good buttercup? (For those who don't know what a buttercup is...it's when you're sitting in a chair and you fart. You then cup your hands together down by your taint and pull the sweet smelling fart goodness up to your(or someone else's) nose. It's awesome baby.)"

Randal, cripes! Let's take them one at a time. 1. The clothes are average size - their bums are not. 2. Craig T. Nelson sold his soul on the set of All the Right Moves. 3. According to that damned near-sighted owl, three. It took an unnamed fat guy only one. 4. Because it tasted like Guinness compared to a certain dad's choice, "Schmidt's." 5. So J-Lo's ample backside can fit into them. 6. Come on now. No one is as beautiful as you. 7. You lost me when you wrote the word, "taint."

RT asks, "What do detectives talk about besides the cases when they are on the job?" "Where is the best place to live that is about 70-80 degrees, has low humidity, and has very little precipitation?"

RT, 1. Breasts. 2. Breasts. I mean, I hear Sarajevo is lovely this time of year.

RT and Randal begin to argue in the comments section. I'm not touching that one with a ten-foot pole.

"Anonymous" asks, "Why was retrolicious dropped from the blog ring?"

Anon, I don't know who "retrolicious is," and he or she was never in MY blog ring.

Vinnie Antonelli asks, "My question is: how did this thread turn so damn ugly?" "My other question is: why don't they let cops take all the cash they can find when there's a drug bust? It'd be like a bonus plan for cops! What better incentive to get get drugs off the street?"

Vinnie, when Randal (aka Manute) is involved, it ALWAYS gets ugly. And you mean we're NOT supposed to take the money from drug dealers as a bonus plan? Crap. I gotta go!

Insolublog asks, "Since I have become an aging, overweight silverback gorilla, in my fountain of middle age, when can I expect a courting call from Naomi Watts?"

Insol, climb the Empire State Building and you're in like Flint! Barring that, rent Mulholland Falls. She's WAY naked in it! (Or so I hear.)

"Anonymous" asks, "When you got married were you 'pure?'"

Anon, despite the wiseass remark from Randal, I was pure. I had to marry my wife to not only gain citizenship, but also to avoid being thrown into a volcano.

It's Back, Baby!

The Earp family, doing what they do best.

After a tumultuous and terrifying eight days, my DIRECTV is back and working splendidly. It gave me a chance to get reacquainted with all of my old friends: the guys from Orange County Choppers, SpongeBob SquarePants, and that annoying blonde chick with the glasses from the Quaker Rice Cakes commercial. (I hate that woman!)

In the meantime, I had been spending a lot of time with my sons, who were rewarded by the Easter Bunny with an inflatable Moon Bounce. This monstrosity is eight feet by twelve feet and heavier than all hell. It's been two days, and no one has had to go to the E.R. I call that success!

Q&A Time

Well, it’s that time again. It’s time to ask a real live Big City Detective your burning questions. Post your questions in the comments section, and I guarantee that I will have your funny answers on Tuesday. (Not a guarantee.)

I am ready for your wisdom.

Happy Easter!

"Guns don't kill my people, Rameses. You do!"

Stupid Easter Questions

Does anyone manufacture bonnets anymore?

Is there any food more disgusting than marshmallow Peeps?

If Santa comes in through the chimney, how does the Easter Bunny enter your home?

Three Films That MUST Be Made

With all of the detritus clogging our theaters today, wouldn’t it be nice to see something entertaining for a change? Either Hollywood has run out of ideas, or it just doesn’t care anymore. The latter is probably the case. Anyway, here are three films that should be (but will probably never be) made.

The Kevin Smith Superman Movie

Why this project never left the gates is a mystery to me. If anyone should be directing comic book films, it would be someone like Kevin Smith – a self-proclaimed comic book geek. The upcoming Superman Returns will certainly be entertaining, but Smith’s version would most likely be spectacular.

Mad Max 4: Fury Road

Sequels are a hit or miss proposition. Both Mad Max and The Road Warrior were classics, but after the first forty-five minutes of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome, audiences were praying for death. (Rule #1 of Wyatt’s Film Creed: Never insert children into an action film.) Speculation of a fourth Mad Max installment, with Mel Gibson reprising the lead, was widespread until only recently, when the studios decided against it. Crap.

Any Film Adaptation of a John Sandford novel

Sandford’s “Prey” series is possibly the most exciting in all of modern literature. His hero Lucas Davenport is tailor made for the big screen, a literary version of Vic Mackey. Prison Break’s Dominic Purcell (Lincoln Burroughs) would be perfect for the role. Imagine a Davenport/Bekker or a Davenport/Carla Rinker matchup. If they film it, audiences will come.

People I Like

I couldn’t possibly write a PIH on Good Friday. That’s a sure express ticket to hell. Therefore, I present this week’s edition of People I Like. Bon a petit!

Bill Bennett

The former Secretary of Education under President Reagan and syndicated radio talk show host is my morning alternative to that idiot Michael Smerconish. Unlike most talk radio personalities, Bennett is always respectful and courteous to every caller, whether they agree with his views or not. You wouldn’t think that an egghead (and I use that term respectfully) would also be highly entertaining, but Bennett pulls it off. Morning in America is now one of my favorite programs.

Gary Sinise

Holy crap, I like somebody in Hollywood! Imagine that. Sinise unabashedly supports our troops. He has been to Iraq many times, and has supported the men and women of our military at every opportunity. It also helps that he is a terrific actor, who I thought was terrific in Snake Eyes, The Stand, and Forrest Gump. Actually, he was the only good thing about Forrest Gump. “Stupid is as stupid does” my arse.

Phil Mickelson

For left-handed golfers like me, Mickelson had been a source of inspiration on the PGA Tour. Unfortunately, he had always been known as the best golfer never to win a major. Phil shook that monkey off his back recently, and now is one of the hottest players on the circuit. During last weekend’s Masters Tournament, Mickelson dominated Sunday’s final round and cemented his place in history. Way to go, Lefty!

Good Friday

How ironic is it that many of the liberal toads that scream “separation of Church and State” for 364 days of the year have no problem having the day off today?

SYLG Profile: Robbie (AKA Butchie)

(Third in a five-part series.)

Robbie is the next member of the inner circle. Another Archbishop Ryan High School grad, Butchie was the football hero of the group. Playing center, he was the brunt of “bend over” jokes, but always behind his back. Although not the tallest, Butchie is certainly the most solid (and intimidating) of the group.

Robbie’s parents were the coolest people on planet Earth. They would let us hang out in his basement, playing pool, shuffleboard, and Intellivision until the wee hours of the morning. His mother would make us popcorn and order pizzas. She once let us play pool when Robbie was out on a date with his chubby girlfriend! (Remember Chrissy guys?) His father passed away not too long ago, and it was one of the worst days in our lives. We all miss him.

His high school career was better than most, until the Day Which Will Live in Infamy. During a crucial game, Butchie lined up for a field goal. When the play started, he made his infamous “high snap,” a flub that he will never live down. (The fact that the kicker ran the snap in for a touchdown instead of the field goal is irrelevant.)

Robbie parlayed his high school gridiron experience into a spot on the team at swanky Swarthmore College. Swarthmore was the Division III Columbia: they stunk royal. We never cared though, because his games were perfect excuses to get drunk and harass the other team – like we did for The Badger. After I made the lacrosse team at Saint Joseph’s, Robbie made the Swarthmore squad. I was happy for him; until I saw that we were scheduled to play Swarthmore the next season. We ended up playing each other twice. The first time, Robbie buried me with a crushing hit, but we won the game. The second time, Swarthmore won, but I buried his gargantuan friend Helder. We considered ourselves even.

After graduation, Butchie got a job. We can’t tell you what he does, because honestly, we don’t know. Either way, it pays well, and he and his wife Beth moved as far away from us degenerates as possible; to West Chester, PA. Rob and Beth were blessed with twins, a boy (Trevor) and a girl (Cassie), which keeps him too busy to play hockey with us anymore. Family over hockey; Butchie really has to prioritize.

Finally! Truth In Advertising!

The radio at our detective division is almost exclusively set to 102.9 WMGK FM. It is a classic rock station, and one of the only stations that the squad unanimously likes. WMGK’s morning show host John DiBella was interviewing Hollywood Hottie Natasha Henstridge, who stated that she is lousy at picking scripts.

No kidding. Hard Target? She Spies?? Species and Species II??

Natasha is a robo-babe - and she gets bonus points for her varying stages of undress in her films – but truer words were never spoken.

COPS: In Springfield

I’m fresh out of ideas, so I figured I’d post the lyrics to the “Cops: In Springfield” theme from an early episode of The Simpsons:

Bad cops, bad cops,
Bad cops, bad cops.
Bad cops, bad cops,
Bad cops, bad cops.

Springfield cops are on the take,
But what do you expect for the money we make?
Whether in a car or on a horse,
We don’t mind using excessive force.

Bad cops, bad cops,
Bad cops, bad cops.
Bad cops, bad cops,
Bad cops, bad cops.

Stupid Questions

If Pamela Anderson leaves California at noon driving westbound at 55 mph, and Paris Hilton leaves New York at 3pm driving eastbound at 65 mph, which one will get to the Chicago Free Clinic first? Be sure to show your work.

Why does the label on a pack of Breath Savers say “Sugar Free – Not for Weight Control?” Are supermodels consuming only Rumple Minze and Breath Savers?

Why is Wednesday called “Hump Day?” Shouldn’t that be reserved for Saturday nights?

Is everyone pooling together enough dough to buy me this for my birthday?

The 1973 Ford Falcon XB Coupe from Mad Max.

Fat Stat Update

My Aunt Helene was right: I was insane for posting my weight loss/gain on the blog every week. Last week was a disaster, and Easter dinner didn’t help. (Neither did the Guinness I had on Saturday’s Guys Night Out, right Vinnie?) Regrettably, I am almost back to my starting weight of 232. As of this morning, I was 229 – a five pound increase in a little over a week. I’m a disgrace.

Although I am still trying to follow Weight Watchers – and drinking a ridiculous amount of water every day – I am still eating junk. This is tougher than I thought it would be, but I’m not giving up . . . yet.

The Bombing Begins In Five Minutes

The hack media is abuzz with speculative reports that the Bush Administration is secretly planning an attack on Iran. Some reports have even suggested that the attack could involve nuclear weapons. Although the President has denied these claims, the media has (as usual) ignored him. Coincidentally enough, SYLG has uncovered additional “Secret Bush Plans” that may shock and awe you.

Top Ten Lesser Known “Secret Bush Plans”

10. Eliminate Yale’s lacrosse competition by sending Condi Rice “on assignment” to Duke.
9. Film Catholics at Muslim-dominated camel races to look for discrimination.
8. Turn the Middle East into a sea of glass. (Oh, that one is widely known.)
7. Sabotage the Thermos Corporation to make the hot side cold and the cold side hot.
6. Manipulate television broadcast signals to make Helen Thomas appear ugly.
5. Only send Ben Affleck lousy scripts to make him seem like a lousy actor.
4. Keep his oil coffers full by mandating Americans change their oil every 3 miles.
3. Frame Jack Bauer for murder. (Sorry, that’s a President Logan Secret Plan.)
2. Bring back the J. Geils Band.

And the number one Secret Bush Plan:

1. Allow millions of illegal immigrants across the border so they can “Vote for Pedro.”

Exonerated?

“Lawyers for 46 players on the Duke Lacrosse team said DNA test results released yesterday proved that none of the players raped a woman at an off-campus party last month. The lawyers said none of the players’ DNA was found on the woman, on any of her clothing or possessions, or under artificial fingernails that were found by police.” – New York Times News Service

Look, I am probably biased in favor of the lacrosse team (it’s the coach in me), but whether or not the team is exonerated, they showed terrible judgment at that campus party. College kids are going to drink – hell, we all did that – but when they drink to excess and invite a stripper into their midst, the results were bound to get messy. The Duke Lacrosse team’s season should remain cancelled, but if the stripper invented the story, she should be prosecuted.

Rock! ROCK!!

YES!!! I won this week's GOP and the City's Weekend Caption Contest!!!

Sure, I know I win these things a lot, but this time is different because I also won "Nastiest caption, ever!" You MUST go over there and check this out. Heh.

Just A Little Reminder . . .

While every liberal loon on the planet is ripping President Bush for the War on Terror, the Terrorist Surveilance Program, and his full-blown "Nazi tactics," I thought they could use a realty check:

That is all.

This Is What Hell Must Be Like

"No beer and no TV make Homer . . . something something." - Homer Simpson

My home is approximately fifty years old. As a result, the normal wear and tear of acid rain - Al Gore warned us! - has done a number on my brick chimney. I noticed recently that some of the bricks near the top have been crumbling and falling to earth, so we called a chimney repair company. They came for an estimate and said that they could start today. Unfortunately, my DirecTv satellite dish is attached to the chimney, and it would have to come down for the work to be done. No worries, they said, it would only be for a day or so.

My neighbor/resident handyman John came over with his 30-foot ladder and trudged up with his bag o' tools. He's a fireman, so heights are no big whoop for him. Me? Not so much. I climbed the ladder to hold the dish while he did most of the work. He tied the dish and the HD antenna securely to the roof, so the chimney guys could work unobstructed. I was without TV - and had to watch the NASCAR race on a 13" set - but it wouldn't last long.

Or so I thought. Today, the chimney guys called and said that because of the recent rain, their schedule got pushed back. They now cannot come out until Tuesday or Wednesday! I started screaming at the thought of no TV for almost four days. What will I do? What's worse is that although my TiVo still works for viewing saved programs, it will not tape any current ones. If the DirecTv is out until Wednesday, TiVo won't tape The Gospel of Judas (I was dying to see that one), Prison Break, and Thief.

Oh yeah, and it also won't tape 24, and I am scheduled to Liveblog the episode on Blogs4Bauer. That should make the event more interesting while I try and adjust the rabbit ears and squint to see what's happening. Damnit.

Kaaahnnne!

Congratulations to Kasey Kahne on winning today's NASCAR event at Texas Motor Speedway. Kahne edged Matt Kenseth and SYLG's favorite jerkass Tony Stewart for the victory.

Unfortunately, Jeff Gordon had a fairly lousy day after cutting a tire and going two laps down halfway through the race, but in the end three of the Hendrick Motorsports drivers (Gordon, Jimmie Johnson, and Kyle Busch) are in the top ten in the overall standings. Giddyup!

Happy "Freedom Day"

The next time somebody tells you there is absolutely no bias in today's media, you can refer them to this article from the Associated Press:

BAGHDAD, Iraq - Five roadside bombs killed at least three people in Iraq on Sunday — the three-year anniversary of the Baghdad's fall to U.S. forces. Iraq police and soldiers bolstered security in the capital to prevent attacks on "Freedom Day." The holiday marks the April 9, 2003 event in which a huge crowd of Iraqis cheered as U.S. Marines hauled down the statue of Saddam Hussein on Firdous Square, marking the collapse of his regime.

The AP barely mentions Iraq's "Freedom Day" holiday, choosing instead to note that at least three people were killed in roadside bomb attacks. Three people killed in the country in one day??? Wow. More people are killed than that in one day in my city. But at least the AP has things in perspective.

Unbelievable.

The #1 Reason To Watch Smallville

How do you spell "yummy?" K-R-I-S-T-I-N

People I Wish Would Drop Dead

Although yesterday was far and away the worst of my career, I am much too tired to spew bile today. Nah, I’m yankin’ ya. I’m never too tired to bitch . . . and I’m in a sour mood. Enjoy!

Dateline NBC

Frak these a-holes! As Michelle Malkin - and GOP and College – revealed, Dateline NBC placed Muslim-looking people at strategic spots at the track at a recent NASCAR event. Why? Because they are hoping to prove that NASCAR fans are racists. NBC wants to capture racism and discrimination of our “Muslim friends” on film for their newest Sweep Weeks stunt. And this during the week of the Moussaoui trial. Despicable. What is more despicable is that NBC broadcasts half of the NASCAR Nextel Cup events.

Harry Taylor

This 61-year old North Carolina jackass tried to rip President Bush about his so-called “Domestic Spying Program” yesterday – which is actually a Terrorist Surveillance Program, but no one in the media ever checks their facts – and was booed and shouted down by the audience. President Bush – the guy so many Americans claim is a Nazi – told the audience to let Harris have his say, then answered his idiotic accusations in a calm and reasonable manner. Harris never had a question, just rambled on bashing the President, and showed himself for the moron that he is.

Oh, and by the way Harry, no one gives a goddamn about your real estate phone calls. As long as you’re not talking to a suspected al Qaeda member, YOUR LINE WON’T BE TAPPED! Damnit, I frakkin’ hate stupid people!

Representative Cynthia McKinney

Nice half-assed apology, you a-hole! End of message.

SYLG Profile: The Badger

(The second in a five-part series.)

“The badger’s your friend. Make friends with the badger.” – The Dead Milkmen

Like Vinnie Antonelli, The Badger is one of my oldest friends. He is also a BOD: Brother of Deathlok. Nicknamed for a song by The Dead Milkmen, he attended Archbishop Ryan High School with the rest of my circle. Tall and skinny (read: stork-like and lanky), The Badger made heads turn at the Senior Prom when he showed up with a 5’2” date. The Badger stands 6’3”.

The Badger parlayed his high school hockey experience into a spot on LaSalle University’s hockey team. Wearing number “00” – meaning no goals, no assists – he soon made the transformation from skater to goaltender. He sucked at both positions. Nah, I kid. Any bad goals he let up were a direct result of our constant antisocial behavior at the rink. We berated the referees, challenged opposing players to fistfights, and humiliated The Badger’s coach into giving him more shifts. We were LaSalle’s Hockey Hooligans.

After college – I write “after college” and not “graduation” because The Badger is about one half credit short of his degree – we spent many of our weekends at his parents’ shore house in Sea Isle City. There we drank ourselves silly – one time Vinnie was throwing up a mere hour after our arrival – and watched in awe as The Badger hooked up with hottie after hottie. His trademark line, “Hi, Bruce Wayne,” rarely worked, but for some reason, to this day the chicks dig him.

Unfortunately, after college he married one of those chicks. Okay, in the grand Badger Family Tradition, he had to marry one of those chicks, because The Badger Family Seed apparently permeates any barrier. The new Mrs. Badger was um, “abrasive,” (read: a bitch) and while his wedding party was openly wishing him well, we were putting together a “How Long Will It Last” pool. I guessed five years. They divorced soon after their fifth anniversary, screwing my chances of winning. At least the former Mrs. Badger gave him two wonderful children; a boy and a girl.

Presently, The Badger is working in computer support – he is a tech genius – and seeking the next Mrs. Badger. The last two “possibles” moved to France and Texas respectively, which is a shame because he is a nice guy. Hey Uber, are you looking for a long-distance boyfriend?

Our "Poles" Are Rising

As if Polish people aren’t ridiculed enough:

Warsaw, Poland – A former prison inmate is suing the state for the excess of orgasms he claims he had in prison. The inmate worked in a chamber with vibrating equipment used for concrete block production. “I pressed the equipment with my hips, very hard, it vibrated, I ejaculated every dozen minutes or so, and now I am infertile. I simply had too many orgasms,” says the ex-inmate in his letter to a prison administrator.

Prison administrator Franciszek Tarasewicz said the ex-inmate’s claim took him by surprise, but he is going to treat the matter seriously. “The inmate wants to discuss with me the amount of money he feels we owe him due to his health deterioration,” says Tarasewicz. “I admit it is the most extraordinary complaint that has ever been lodged with us.”

Okay, when everyone stops laughing, feel free to caption this story in the comments section.

Our MSG Trip? It Was A "10"

Who didn’t see this coming? Any trip to New York City will be enlightening at best, and horrifying at worst. Either way, it makes for some good comedy. With that in mind, SYLG presents yet another Top Ten List.

Top Ten Highlights of Our NYC Trip

10. A Rangers win.
9. Cajun chicken pizza at 2am.
8. Vinnie’s illegal u-turn in front of an NYPD cruiser.
7. The drunken yuppie dancing like Elvis on the corner.
6. The Badger staring at any/every hot babe.
5. “Flicking the bean.”
4. Hearing Rangers fans boo Eli Manning on video, then abruptly cheering him when they found out he was in attendance.
3. Vinnie going all NYC and yelling at the people in front of us to “Sit down!”
2. “Potvin sucks!”

And the number one highlight from our NYC trip . . .

1. Vinnie saying “Her breasts got caught in the door!” out loud.

Gimme A Kung Pow With Extra MSG

Greatest hockey game . . . ever!

Vinnie Antonelli, The Badger, and I began our road trip pleasantly enough, after picking up The Badger at his office in Princeton. After a short drive, we soon saw the skyline of The City That Never Sleeps. Being a wiseass, I remarked, “It must be smoggy, because I can’t see the Twin Towers.” Vinnie instantly replied, “Damn man, you are going to hell.” He’s probably right.

Hell came early in the form of The Lincoln Tunnel. First of all, who has the gall to charge six frakkin’ dollars to use a dirty, disgusting tunnel? Secondly, who would pay six dollars to breathe tunnel fumes after sitting in traffic for a month? Unfortunately, we did. When we made it to the other side of the river Madison Square Garden was just a few blocks away. Vinnie parked in a garage – and had to use a frakkin’ credit card when we left – and we walked to the Garden.

Say what you want about the Rangers, but Madison Square Garden is a terrific place to watch a hockey game. The arena is not clustered at all, and the fans are deafening; unlike a certain Philadelphia “Center” I know. We arrived in time to see the pre-game skate, and when The Badger pointed out that Jaromir Jagr was not on the ice, I felt sick to my stomach. Luckily, Jags did play last night, so I didn’t have to shoot up the bench.

The game began, and immediately a fan started whistling an unknown tune. When he stopped, every fan in attendance screamed “Potvin sucks!” The three of us started laughing, and Vinnie yelled, “It was 1978! Let it go!” As for the game itself, it was a barn-burner. Down 2-1 early, the Rangers came back to tie the game in the third period. After a scoreless overtime, the shootout – easily the best innovation in the NHL - began.

Soon, the Blueshirts were up 2-1 in the shootout, and the Flyers’ last chance was Michael Handzus. He skated in on Weekes, who stopped the Slovak cold. Rangers win! Rangers win! The win assured the Rangers a playoff spot, and kept the team atop the Atlantic Division.

We stopped by an Irish Pub on 34th Street and had a few glasses of Guinness with other Rangers fans. To his credit, The Badger cheered for the Flyers the entire night, but agreed that Weekes played very well. I submitted that Esche played well, too. After an hour or so of fabulous babe watching – The Badger’s trademark pickup line, “Hi, Bruce Wayne.” wasn’t effective on the NYC broads - we packed it up for the ride home. I am still not sure how much Vinnie paid for the parking, but since he used his credit card, I assumed it was ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, I love that town, but living there is financial suicide.

I don’t know how The Man does it.

30,000!

Hey, SYLG hit 30,000 visitors yesterday! Of course, when the lucky winner stopped by, I was throwing F-bombs at the traffic leading into the Lincoln Tunnel. Thus, I have no idea who no 30,000 was. Sorry.

Once again, thank you all for the continued support, and you only have two months and one day for me to hit 50,000 in my first year. Get on it!

Fat Stat Update

There is good news and bad news. The bad news is that I didn’t lose any weight this week. The good news is that I didn’t gain any, either. That is quite the feat considering the squad ordered out a few times during night work last week, and I only hit the treadmill twice. I am a lazy, lazy man. Well, day work is usually a little easier to make my Weight Watchers points, so next week’s update should be more positive.

Here are this week’s stats: Ht: 5'9", Wt: 224, Waist size: 38.

Into The Belly Of The Beast

As a Philadelphia Flyers fan, I have been programmed to hate the New York Rangers since birth. That tradition worked rather well until a man named Wayne Gretzky was traded there. Gretzky is the Patron Hockey Saint of SYLG, and I have been (and still am) a fan of every team for which he laced up the skates.

Although Gretz is no longer in The Big Apple, I still root for the Rangers - especially since the Flyers goaltending is still suspect. Tonight, however, I enter the Belly of the Beast. Vinnie Antonelli scored three tickets to the Flyers/Rangers matchup at Madison Square Garden! (That's right, GOP and the City, I'll be in your neck of the woods this evening!)

Being of sound mind and flabby body, I am not about to wear my Flyers garb into Manhattan. This evening calls for my white Gretzky jersey with the Statue of Liberty on the front. I will cheer like a native New Yawker when the Broadway Blueshirts score, and do a little mental jig when the Flyers do the same. I see it as win-win.

It also helps that this game is crucial for both teams vying for first place in the Atlantic Division. The game is being televised on OLN, so keep an eye out for me.

The Stephen A. Smith Award

Ms. McKinney, I think you're great in Reno 911!

U.S. Representative Cynthia McKinney (D (of course) - GA) is a racist piece of crap.

Last week, McRacist claimed she was rushing to a vote on the floor (which I doubt) sans credentials when she skipped the security checkpoint. The Capitol Police Officer - A WHITE MAN! - asked her to stop three times. When McBigot ignored the warnings, the officer physically stopped her . . . and McA-Hole punched him in the chest. Was McFarakhan arrested for assault on police? Absolutely not. In fact, she (naturally) feels that the officer is the racist here:

"Do I have to contact the police every time I change my hairstyle? How do we account for the fact that when I wore my braids every day for 11 years, I still faced this problem, primarily from certain white police officers."

Preach on, Sista! How dare that Cracker attempt to do his job?

"I have counseled with the Sergeant-at-Arms and Acting Assistant Chief Thompson several times before and counseled with them again on today's incident. I offered also to counsel with the offending police officer."

That would be great! Then you can enlighten the officer on your own unique brand of race relations!

McRacist told Wolf Blitzer yesterday that this whole incident is attributed to racial profiling by the Capitol Police. Strangely enough, only minutes later in the same interview, McBigot denied she ever used the term "racial profiling," and refused to answer Blitzer's question, "Why did you punch the officer?" Typical.

Georgia, you deserve Cynthia McKinney.

Noise, Noise, Noise, Smokin' Weed . . .

The Clerks 2 trailer is here! Check it out! I am getting in line as we speak.

(Hat Tip: My brother Chris.)

"Guns" Redux

All that hype and nothing to show for it. I feel like the "creative forces" behind Basic Instinct 2. Unfortunately, more folks than usual checked out my "Guns. Lots Of Guns" post after Dave linked it here. So, like Lucy Ricardo, I reckon I got a lot of "splaining" to do.

After my partner and I got suited up - guns, cuffs, vests, radios, flashlights, crime scene kits, etc. - we were walking out of the squad room when one of Tim's toads came to the window and surrendered. Nice, since we were just about to hit her house with the warrant. For the next two hours, we were stuck inside while Tim interrogated her (she rolled on her co-toad) and processed the paperwork.

Take 2. We jumped into an unmarked car with another detective who had an arrest warrant to serve. After a brief drive into Bartertown (obscure movie reference!), we hit the house and were told that this toad wasn't home. We asked to check the house - like she had any choice with our warrant - and toad boy walked in the front door. We draw our pistols, and the uniformed cops drag him to the floor and cuff him. Warrant served.

After dinner, we mostly drove around the 'hood. Our closest brush with even mild excitement occurred when we got a call for a 302 (a mentally unstable person) who was trying to light his house on fire. Sweet! Unfortunately for our adrenaline glands, by the time we pulled up, the loon was gone.

The final tally: two warrants served, two pistols drawn, one nice dinner, and overtime. Not too shabby considering.

Oh, and for those readers of Garfield Ridge, I am not quitting the blogosphere. So, please come back occasionally. Thanks!

If only this could have been yesterday's result.

Normally, Martinsville Speedway is owned by Jeff Gordon during the NASCAR season. He wins there as often as Paris Hilton catches an STD. Yesterday, Gordon started eighth, worked his way up to the front, then cut a tire on lap 89. This is usually a cause for concern amongst Nextel Cup drivers, but Gordon found his way to the front of the pack yet again when a caution came out with seven laps to go. At the restart, Gordon was second behind Tony “Jackass” Stewart, and when the green flag flew, the DuPont Chevy spun wheels, and Stewart pulled away.

Stewart got the win, but it was a banner day for Gordon and his Hendrick Motorsports teammates. Gordon finished second, Jimmie Johnson finished third, and Kyle Busch finished fifth.

Not to be outdone, Dale Earnhardt, Jr was involved in a wreck on the first lap, busted his hump getting to the front, and finally finished fourth. He is truly his father’s son.

Guns. Lots Of Guns.

Tonight I get to strap on the Glock 17, break out the vest, and spend my night patrolling the mean streets of North Philadelphia. My partner and I will be the designated Gun Violence Detail, which means that when we hear gunshots, we gotta fly in.

Is there anything cooler?

Tonight should be extra thrilling, since we had a homicide last night. The victim was shot five times in the chest outside 22nd and Lehigh. Years ago, that was the site of Connie Mack Stadium. Now, it’s the site of drugs, gangs, and various types of gunplay.

Let’s see; I get to work a ten-hour shift responding only to shootings and they are going to pay me overtime to do it? Sweet!

Just A Reminder . . .

Daylight Savings Time begins at two o’clock this morning, and as a result, the following changes will take place:

My caption skills become mortal again, allowing underlings like The CUG to defeat me.

Deathlok pulls an all-nighter searching the skies for Phoenix (aka Jean Grey).

Right Wing Prof berates liberal students outside.

Uber breaks out the string bikinis. Yes!

Jill the Goat has one less hour to live.

Tyler breaks out the thong. Eww!

Enjoy the extra daylight kids; except you rat bastards in Arizona, I mean. Yeah, OKev and Rachel, I’m talking to you.

It's All Over

Today is Support Your Local Gunfighter's final post.

To be honest, the blogging thing has kinda lost its appeal, and I am looking forward to some new pursuits (read: rock climbing). That, and the fact that not a whole lot of people read this drivel anyway. So, as of today, I will be hanging up the keyboard in the Blogger Hall of Fame.

Happy trails!

Some Posts Just Write Themselves

In the aftermath of this week’s Duke Lacrosse team scandal, the university’s administration rushed to a local public relations firm for help with the squad’s image. After an exhaustive search, the firm settled on ten positive new slogans.

Top Ten New Slogans For Duke Lacrosse

10. Duke Lacrosse: Come see our “stick skills.”

9. Duke Lacrosse: We’ve got a lot of balls.

8. Duke Lacrosse: It’s rape-tacular!

7. Duke Lacrosse: More criminals than our basketball team!

6. Duke Lacrosse: Now with 50% more felonies.

5. Duke Lacrosse: Every night is “ladies night.”

4. Duke Lacrosse: Our Devils are blue, our balls are not.

3. Duke Lacrosse: Ask about our frequent groper miles.

2. Duke Lacrosse Fever: Treatable with antibiotics.

And the number one new Duke Lacrosse slogan . . .

1. Duke Lacrosse: (Burning) sensational!